You Just Can’t Make This Sh*t Up!

YCMTUTAs you may know, I have this adorable little Yorkie.  Except that she really isn’t so little.  Around 9 or so pounds, which is a bit over weight for her but not much.  She is 11 years old, pushing 12, and she has spent the better part of her entire existence with her nose to the floor in search of food.  She is the most food motivated dog I have ever seen.  I’ve often said if you split open a 25 pound bag of dog food on the floor she’d eat until she split wide open like a bratwurst on the grill.  It’s really kind of pathetic.  Hence she lives with me because isn’t that par for the course with my life?

So, in constantly eating from the floor she not only consumes every crumb she finds but a few stray dust bunnies and some hair now and then.  Gross I know but wait, there is more.  Same dog once ate a $5 bill right from my daughter’s purse.  While standing in the yard with my son he happened to look down and said, “is that money in Penny’s poop??”  and grabbing a stick he sought to answer his question.  Once he realized it was indeed cash, and not just a $1, but a $5 note, he got a plastic baggie, turned it inside out and retrieved the poo covered cash.  He then said if his sister, who was working in a Veterinarian’s office, wasn’t going to clean it up and take it to the bank to exchange it, he would.   I took it to his sister, she did in fact wash, sanitize and then take it to the bank.  Said dog had surgery once to remove toe nail clippings, a bread twist tie, a cigarette butt and a piece of wood that we think was one of those Dent-a-sticks, all in there together thanks to the twist tie blocking her passage from her stomach.  Isn’t she great?

This morning I let the doggie out, stand on the deck while she goes, and notice she seems to be having some issues.  She had squatted, piddled, then found a new place to drop her load, but she was moving about in that position.  As she was scooting around I realized that about 3 inches behind her was a turd, following her.  It was this that she was trying to get rid of, no doubt it had one of my nieces long, bleached blond hairs in it and the other end of the strand was still in the pooch’s tush.  You could not see the strand, only the turd following her around like she had told it to ‘heel’ and being an obedient pet (something this dog knows nothing about mind you), it was sticking to her, nearly literally.  By the time I retrieved a napkin to unleash her new found follower, she had managed to catch it on something and break it’s hold.

You just can’t make this sh*t up.  Well maybe you could but really, why would you?



You Can’t Make This Sh*t Up Thursday

YCMTUTIt is Thursday, welcome to my very first episode of, “You can’t make this sh*t up” Thursday.

My life is incredibly weird, no doubt about it.  So much of it I just don’t bother to share, the small segment of the world that knows me doesn’t need any fuel on the “she is crazy cat lady material” fires.  But sometimes I just have too open up about it!

Take for instance The Count.  Remember him? Search if you don’t, over yonder in the box Looking For Something.  He has an older brother who happens to work with my younger brother.  Small world stuff, ya know?  And in a city this size,what are the odds that his older brother would happen to cut the grass of my neighbor 2 doors down?  Welcome to my insanity.

Then there is my own yard here at the Diva Den.  The ex-hubster has a lawn care/landscaping business.  My son-in-law works with him.  Guess who cuts our grass?  Yep, my ex-husband.  It’s the plot for a fun novel, no doubt.

Recently I learned that the owner of the swing club I hung out in many moons ago is in prison.  Now, Oz, as I used to call him (as in the Wizard of Oz who was all dog-and-pony-show fake), well nothing bad seemed to stick to him despite the many things he was doing.  When I heard he was doing time, I actually felt kinda bad for the guy.  He is not one I’d think would fair well in the Gray Bar Inn.  Then I looked him up on the state inmate search, and this poor soul who had a real love for his very long haired mullet? Well the prison system, it would seem, makes you shave your head.  Now I really did feel bad for the guy.  Trust me, if anyone had reason to be glad he finally got what was coming to him, it was me.  But I tend to forgive way too easily, and I’ve always had a soft spot for the underdogs and fools of this world.  The bible pretty clearly spells out how we are to treat those in prison in Matthew 25, so what the heck, I wrote to him.  We are corresponding. Odd I know!  Now do I trust him? HELL no, but he is not a violent offender and everyone deserves someone to give a rats butt.

On my way home today I had an encounter of sorts with God.  No, I did not spy Him in a bush or anything, don’t panic.  I’m a tad warped but not certifiable.  On payday I make up several cash gifts for the homeless.  Two, $1 bills, folded in thirds that I carry in my sun visor and if I see a homeless person on a corner with a cardboard sign I give them one of those.  It isn’t a lot but it is what I can do.  I have been out of them for a week, and in fact yesterday had looked up and didn’t have any to give when I saw a needy man, and felt really bad.  Today, I pulled up to a stop light and spotted a gentleman I see frequently, and felt bad I had nothing to offer.  I glanced up at my sun visor and there was money.  One single dollar bill, folded different from how I fold my $2 bundles.  Crisp and new.  I was quite shocked, but pulled it out, put the window down and handed it off to the man.  I’m still in a befuddled state, as I know that I did not put that there.  As I said, I fold them a certain way, and always and only $2.  God works in mysterious ways, and I suppose this man really needed that $1.  And I guess maybe I needed to see a wonder.  🙂

That is this weeks edition of YCMTSUT.  See ya next week!