You Can’t Make This Sh*t Up!

YCMTUTWhen you live in a house of all women, and a great conversation is in progress (as if there is anything but a great conversation when it’s all women), it might happen that someone has to use the bathroom.  Since you cannot pause real life, and being all females, one might wander into the bathroom and leave the door ajar so they can still hear and participate from the commode.  And that is precisely what occurred one evening this past week.  While in mid topic my sister suddenly screams, from her seat on the toilet, “aaahhhh come kill it!”.  I assume it is a spider as that is typically what gets a good scream around here.  No, it is the world’s largest mosquito flying around, and she didn’t want to have an itchy spot on her bum I suppose.  I go in and try to smack it down, it lands on her and she brushes it to the floor, and I stomp that little buzzard into a squish.  As I leave the bathroom she alerts me that said bug cadaver is stuck to my shoe, and his little wings are seen.  I turned, put my foot up and told her to wipe it off, while trying hard to keep my balance.  It took a few attempts because I am not steady on one foot.  Mind you the entire time the 4 person conversation continued with this insanity going on to the side.  Never dull and boring around here!

Another evening this week I went up to my room to go to sleep.  I had already turned down the bed and had my pillows all fluffed and ready to go so that I could just make my way to dreamland.  I always have the pillows with the cases open side toward the middle.  I have a lot of pillows on the bed too.  When I grabbed the edge of one to pull it off the bed it didn’t budge at all.  I tried again, and trust me I was confused because it is a nice, light weight pillow but it was stuck firmly to the bed.  Of course because it is a pillow I wasn’t putting any muscle into it.  I could not pull it with one hand and when I lifted it the darn thing was heavy.  Turns out a 14 pound cat, Ditzy, had crawled inside the pillow case and was sleeping, so it weighed the pillow down.

After being at a craft show all day yesterday with my mom, we arrived home to discover that OMG WE HAVE A DEFCON 1 SITUATION THERE IS NO COFFEE!!!  No coffee in this house is a crisis.  We bleed coffee if you cut one of us.  The last thing we wanted to do was make a grocery run but we cannot have this so off we went, exhausted but determined to make the world right again.  We also figured, since we were headed there, we should get some wine and a few other things.  It wasn’t a big run so we selected one of the smaller carts.  Don’t you know, it was the one with the bad wheel.  You know the kind, the wheel spins at will, and makes a constant “ricketyricketyrickety” sound as it rolls, loudly.  We kept the cart deciding it was just special, as we are special, and we made our way all around the store.  We got the wine, bread, soup and headed to check out, almost forgetting the coffee, which was the original reason we went in the first place.  While self-checking out I happened to notice of the 6 items in our cart, 3 were alcohol.  Not sure if coffee and 3 types of wine is a good thing or a bad thing, when the only other items are a loaf of bread and can of soup.  I know, we should have had chocolate in there and that would have been fine then.  Next time we toss in a bag of candy bars to balance things, the small fun size ones, because there are not calories, right?

 

 

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Friday Confessional

FINALLY!!

I didn’t think Friday would ever get here.

Oh it was a fast week, until I had asked off for today and made plans to get my nails and hair done, then it D-R-A-G-G-E-D.

But we have arrived, at last, so let’s do this!

I confess…

Today was Routine Marti Maintenance day.  A day off of work to handle the hair cut and new set of nails.  I hadn’t had a day off in a very long time, so it was over due and I needed to just be in maintenance and then homemaker mode.

I confess…

Homemaker mode was busy mode.  Making a menu for 2 weeks, then the grocery list.  Grocery shopping and putting it all away.  So proud of myself for coming in way under budget this time, on the way to the car while internally celebrating I realized I forgot toilet paper.  This could not be left to another time, but I wasn’t going back into the mega size grocery store.  Hello Dollar Tree.  Once in there I not only picked up toilet paper, but also 10 other items, paying a whole $11.  I love that store.

I confess…

Once the groceries were put away, I made brownies.  Gotta have dessert when the Knight’s royal offspring are here.  🙂  Then I started laundry, which is finally completed and all put away.  I also made dinner and then cleaned up.  I’m wiped out, but tomorrow I can sleep in!

I confess…

I may have a slight caffeine addiction.  Today I skipped having coffee in the morning because I was headed out, and the day has ended with a bit of a withdraw headache.  So I’m having some coffee and I’ve applied some 31 Essential Oil, problem solved.

I confess…

I am looking forward to a cup of Sleepy Time Extra tea (Celestial Seasons), and crawling into bed!

An i-WHAT????

Let me first state that I would by no means ever be up for the Mother Of The Year award.  I was far from the perfect mom.  Believe me, I tried to be a good one, but I did fall short.  Hopefully my kids forgive areas where I came up short in parenting skills.  I tried to make up for it in love.

I am not an expert in how to raise them or teach them.  I don’t even put much stock in the advise by the so-called experts.  And as for the whole “it takes a village to raise a child”  I am so unimpressed with what the village has put out that I wouldn’t let them dog sit!

One thing I do know is that we’ve raised a generation of kids who think they must be continuously entertained, and the current bottle feeders are only going to be worse.  10 year olds with smart phones, tablets, iPads, video games and most cannot count as high as the number of TV channels available to them each day.  Parents and kids out to dinner, each child with their own DVD player or tablet, zero interaction with mom and dad.  It is sad to me, as when I was growing up we had family time over our meals.  We all talked to mom and dad and each other.  It was a time of sharing, laughter and a wealth of memories were made.  More and more kids today are being raised by technology.

ipotty-boxYou can imagine, then, my reaction to seeing this little wonder.  REALLY????  Johnny and Susie cannot be potty trained without a damn iPad in front of them?  That is NOT potty training!  You aren’t teaching them to recognize the signs that their body needs to eliminate waste product.  This is a crap shoot! (no pun intended)  They spend a while sitting there playing Angry Birds or Bejeweled and then what, get an ice cream cone if they get up and there happens to be something in the potty?  Distract them from the task at hand by playing games on your iPad while they get hemorrhoids from sitting on the crapper for extended periods of time.  Gee, why don’t we come up with a little side table and junior can sit, shit and eat all from one dandy little spot!

shaking my head

iPotty? I think NOT!

#27 ~ 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks!

Toilet Seat

#27

One nice thing about being single, male or female:

The toilet seat is always just as you left it!

Leave it up, it stays put.

Leave it down, and there it will be next time you use the bathroom.

Personally, I prefer to keep the lid closed, keeps cats from drinking from it and from knocking things IN to the commode.

Toilet Training Cats?

It is a running joke around here, since we have 3 cats, that it would be great if we could toilet train them.  One handles the litter box just fine.  One gets the general concept but when it comes to covering what she leaves behind…well she was orphaned shortly after birth so she wasn’t taught.  I’ve done all but get in the box and show her how this is done but face it, I wouldn’t fit.  We’re thankful she uses the litter box.  The third one? Well she is mentally challenged on her best days.  She digs the hole then stands in it and craps outside of the box onto the floor, then scoops litter OUT of the box onto her floor deposit to cover it.  Brilliant, eh?

So I decided today to look into the idea of actually toilet training our cats.  Heck we already have a phantom pooper (that person that never flushes but no one owns up to it), why not the cats?  Heck if we can train them to go maybe we can train them to flush too!  That would raise them above the phantom!

I actually thought it was a joke, as I really haven’t known of anyone that accomplished this feat.  But then I googled “toilet training cats” and found out that this can, in fact, be done.  Or at least according to the website and a number of videos it is successful.  I’m still skeptical but willing to look into it.  The first one I found, Litter Kwitter, has videos on it’s site to show how this is accomplished when you purchase their training kit for your cat.  For $49 you can buy it and frankly that is worth it if I never have to purchase litter again.  I have since found less expensive versions, as cheap as $16.  I’m totally wanting to believe this can be done.

I had to include the video, I just knew you’d want to know.  They even sell a special package for multi-cat households, like mine.

The Fairy Chronicles ~ Psssst! I Have A Secret…

..as in a secret identity!  Only better, I’m a superhero of sorts.  Well, no, better than a superhero, I have mystical powers and can fill more than one role. I’m a fairy!  *giggle*  Okay wipe that smirk  off your face before I do it for you with my magic wand.  Of course you didn’t KNOW this, it’s a secret!  But I am going to let you in on it anyway, just don’t tell anyone, okay?  I don’t have time for the mob of fans wanting my autograph and I have enough duties to perform within my own realm without special requests from others.  Grab your coffee and I’ll explain.

It just dawned on me this morning that growing up our house had fairies.  No really it did.  A laundry fairy, restock fairy, cleaning fairy…we had a bunch of them.  This came to me this morning as I was in my  tiara and tutu fluttering about (this is a no fly zone, it lacks adequate clearance for safe take offs and landings so no flying, only flutters) performing my magic while the mortals within these walls slept.  Stop smiling I’m serious now.  I’ll  share an example:

Once upon a time The other day I wandered into the upstairs bathroom to…well you know USE the toilet when, just before I sat down I noticed that the toilet tissue was all gone.  In it’s place was the empty, cardboard tube that had once held hundreds of 2-ply quilted sheets designed for gently wiping away all traces of…well you get the picture.  I pulled open the bottom drawer where we keep the stock and don’t you know, it was empty.  No surprise here, after all it is MAGIC that is behind the restocking of the  (shhhh) *whisper* toilet paper.  The box of tissues that resides on the back of the commode, that can be used in an emergency, was also empty.  Aw…some lazy poor helpless diva ran out, and knew not where to find more to restock for the next lass to enter the water closet.  This was a job for THE RESTOCK FAIRY!  (trumpets sound, no doubt startling the reader) I opened the bathroom door, peaked out, and not a soul was in site.  I closed the door, did a pirouette (smacking my knee on the door frame, but that was due to the confined space and NOT my lack of graceful moves) and presto-magico I was transformed into…THE RESTOCK FAIRY.  I whipped open the door and stomped angrily sounding like a herd of stampeding elephants gently opened the door and floated without a sound to the hall closet, retrieved multiple  rolls and stomped back to the bathroom slamming the door slipped silently back and closed the bathroom door.  Cramming 3 rolls into the drawer and reloading the roller after squishing the roll so it won’t roll smoothly for the next person Restocking the drawer with skills only possessed by us magical beings  I returned to my mortal form and got on with it.

This made me wonder this morning, as I was performing my magic over the coffee pot, did we have a RESTOCK FAIRY in our home when I was growing up?  We must have…I’m certain of it!  I certainly have NO idea where the stock of extra (shhhh) *whisper* toilet paper was to be found!  I only know that periodically it magically appeared in the bathroom shared by a tween and 3 teenagers.  MOM!  I KNEW IT!  She is a fairy too!  It must be a legacy handed down from one oldest daughter to the next.  *smirking*  Ha, I am special!  Hmm…though wondering, just how special is this role when I’m the schmuck that keeps having to restock the damn bathroom?

Until next time!

The Fairy