Why I Am Still Single

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*Looks up at the mast of my ship*

::Thinking:: I don’t SEE a freak flag or weirdo magnet up there.

Seriously the freak parade of late has me wondering what I am doing to attract so much attention from so many bizarre and unwelcome sources. As in guys. Like males. And, um…no, thanks.

Why do people find it weird and want to ‘fix’ or rescue you if you are single and 54?

“you are so attractive, why aren’t you married?”

“baby you are sexy and need sex, why you so frigid?”

20914351_1178048255664405_8447931029261688239_nFor the record, I’m not frigid. I have desires and longings, I’m a normal, healthy woman who enjoys intimacy. I choose to ignore those, replacing those thoughts with other things to ponder. Like, why is the coffee pot empty? What day is this anyway? Now where did I leave my phone this time?

Actually truth is I re-grounded in my faith some years back, after being totally crazy stupid and I’ve no desire to go back to a life of sin. I won’t be shared, won’t share what is mine (as in my other half), and as a Christian I feel intimacy outside of marriage is a sin and I’m not going down that road. Ever. Again.

I’ve had more than one guy tell me I’m going to be alone, forever, if I’m not willing to have sex outside of marriage. Let me say that I don’t believe that for a minute, but if that is in fact true, so be it. I’m not a toy, I’m a child of God, daughter of the Most High, a royal princess in the Kingdom of Heaven and not willing to just give away the gift of me that belongs to a spouse should God’s plan for my life include one again some day.

No doubt the fact that I’m not dating, looking to date, seeking a male companion, is impacting the lack of a significant other in my life. I don’t have time for a relationship right now. My life is full, and busy, and relationships take time and need to be nurtured. Between my job, health coaching, mom, kids, grandkids, church, and miscellaneous lists of things I do when not doing those things, I simply do not have the time or energy to put into another person.

like my freedom. Want to sleep in? No one complains. Feel like a day of bed head, jammies, morning breath topped with coffee so that it smells like ass and can singe hair? No one cares. Being the introvert that I am, at the end of the busy day I need alone time to recharge, so not really into going out dancing or partying and I’m delighted for my time by myself.

List of “you don’t need it” I’ve spent/about to spend money on:

New personalized plates, jigsaw puzzle, puzzle storage box/mat to use while working said puzzle, yarn, yarn, more yarn, toys for Nana’s toy box, sun shield for my windshield to keep car cool, new Skechers for work….and NO ONE tells me I don’t need it! MY money, my decisions, and I’m pretty pleased with all of it thankyouverymuch.

Long Beach has resurface again…told him politely NO WAY, no thanks, not going to happen, not your girl. No doubt he will resurface yet again in about 3 or 4 months.

19894760_1149967351805829_7339269333859343132_nThen there is NYC. SIGH. I’m growing weary hearing about how much he wants to ______ me. When I explain about my faith and not interested in a relationship, his latest come back was:

Good luck finding your bible carrying man with his home made blueberry pie. I think your going to be lonely. You’ll never get laid again. You have narrowed your selection of men down to a microscope level. There won’t be any left who want to f*ck you.”  

*head to desk*

First off what in the name of duck tails does blueberry pie have to do with this? Food, for the record, is not my love language. He keeps telling me how he’ll cook for me, is trained by a master chef and doesn’t seem to grasp that I don’t care about food. I don’t really care for blueberry pie at all!

Second, if getting laid were the goal, trust me I have a lengthy list of men tripping over themselves to be my booty call.

Third, I’M NOT LOOKING FOR A MAN IN MY LIFE! I do not want a relationship, marriage, to get laid, etc etc. And there are plenty of single, Christian men my age that if I were interested have made it clear they’d gladly wait for marriage for intimacy with me because they too are followers of Christ and waiting.

BUT I’M NOT INTERESTED!

So then he tells me I am one f*cked up piece. Um, NO I am a woman.

Not a piece of anything.

F*cked up is relative. To him, perhaps, because I’m not matching the mold he wants to squeeze me into. Sorry this bird is not caged, she is a free spirit. Cage her and she stops singing. And he wonders why at 57 he is still single….

I’ve blocked him on phone and email, Facebook, LinkedIn etc etc.

Y’all, if you can see the freak flag up there, waving in the breeze from the mast of this vessel known as Marti, would you be so kind as to shoot a flaming arrow through it for me?

 

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Day 17 ~ 30 Days Of Thankfulness 2012

I am thankful for my freedom.  As in being single.

I know that will strike many as rather odd, considering how shattered I was when my marriage ended.

Being single, I’ve learned a lot more about myself than I knew before.  With me being the only primary responsibility and priority, I have had a chance for much reflection on who, what, where, when, why and how regarding myself.  I’ve discovered things about me that I’d totally forgotten.  I can be whoever or whatever pleases me at the moment and don’t have to sleep with or really care one bit about what those who are critical of my choices have to say about it.  I can take risks, explore, etc. the world around me and myself in MY time and do it all my way.  And I can fail at anything and not be criticized by anyone that matters to me.

I know it may sound selfish, but I don’t mean it too.  I think it is very important that we stay in touch with our true, inner self.  Often in a relationship of any great length, we let go of our inner self in order to hang on to the other person, sacrificing who we are to make another happy.  There is much maturity and self awareness that doesn’t usually come along until we have some living under our belts and sadly, most of us don’t have it when we marry young, as I did.  Relationships should be a blending of two people without either giving up who they are or parts of who they are, in order to make things work.  Compromise is fine, but not Photoshopping ourselves.  No one is worth  our priceless self that does not willingly accept what they view as our imperfections.  You want my best, you have to take the worst too.  I’m not a menu.

When the day comes that I get married again, my mate will be getting a far better person than the previous one had.  I know who I am now, and I’m not willing to negotiate me any longer.  And that, for the sake of both parties, will actually be a far better relationship arrangement than I was in before.  It is why more and more I think toward an arranged marriage, not one of someone else establishing for me, but me and the next significant other arranging based first on common sense, logic and reason, then attraction, and then let the love grow from the friendship and fondness.  Frankly I think it will have more staying power.

I’m thankful for the freedom that helped me find me.

Mid-Week Odds And Ends

It is hump day.  My brain is all over the place.  Probably because the pressure is mounting.

I have my dress for the wedding, but not my shoes yet.  I have NO idea what shoes to wear!  I will worry about those Friday.  Maybe. I hope.

And then there is the rehearsal dinner, which is tomorrow night.  I still need to find something to wear to that! ARGH!  Headed out after dinner in search of something.  Gotta love my last minute approach.

*Note to Melissa: I WILL have shoes don’t worry, promise not show up at your wedding in my bare feet. No guarantee how long the shoes will remain on at the reception.  Mother-of-the-groom or not, I just HATE shoes!*

Today I went and had my nails put back on.  You’ll recall that in December last year I boxed those up and shelved them along with my highlights.   Soon after that I dyed my hair cherry-cola (far cheaper than the salon highlights!).  With the wedding this weekend, mama needed to have her nails done again, so today I am sporting claws!  I missed them SO much, but now I’m trying to get used to typing with them again. Ugh.  Then I will get used them again and not be able to function without them.   Frankly I missed them when I wear rings, as I feel women should have pretty hands and nails are so girly!  People notice rings and I prefer my nails to look amazing when they do!

One of my favorite parts of this coming weekend is that my son will be gaining a daughter, and he will make a great step-dad.  In fact short of the gene pool, he will be her daddy in every way, a role he is well trained for as my ex-husband was ‘dad’ to my son from before he can remember.  If he is half the dad to his new daughter that my ex was to him, he will do great.  And of course this means I am gaining a granddaughter.  I am SO excited.  She already calls him daddy, and me grandma.  I love it.  I love her and her mom (knew her mom since she was a little girl and frankly cannot believe I didn’t see way back then that this match would happen.

Naturally, being a grandma, I have to step it up now on holidays a bit.  I have already purchased somethings for her for Easter.  🙂  Yeah, like she isn’t spoiled enough already.

If you look at those eyes, there is mischief in them.  I believe she is trying to marry me off based on conversations we’ve had (see previous post. And recently, when I kept her for an evening while mommy and daddy went to dinner, we had this one:

(I was chatting on IM with Sir Lancelot at the time and she sat down next to me on the couch)

Little Miss Mischief Photo by Penny Hodge Photography http://www.pennyhodgephotography.net

Ryann:  Who is that, grandma? (she could see his photo in the IM window)

Marti:  He is a friend of mine.

Ryann:  What’s his name?

Marti:  Sir Lancelot.

Ryann:  Is he your boyfriend?

Marti:  Not exactly.

Ryann:  Why not?

Marti:  I don’t have a boyfriend, sweetie.

Ryann:  Well why not?

Marti:  Because grandma doesn’t want a boyfriend, I’m not dating anyone right now, I took the whole year off from that.

Ryann:  Well HE can be your boyfriend then!

Marti:  NO he can’t.

Ryann: Why not?

Marti:  It’s complicated.

Ryann:  Are you going to marry him?

Marti:  (hiding that terrified look again) Um, no, I don’t want to get married right now.

Ryann:  Well, marry him later!  🙂

Marti:  Not likely sweetheart.

Ryann:   I think you should.

Marti:  It’s just not that easy, honey.

See what I mean?  I really need to watch this kid, she is seriously into the match making game here, it’s a bit frightening!  She goes at this like it’s her job.

I also think it best if I not leave her alone with Sir Lancelot for so much as a second!  I don’t want her giving him any crazy ideas either.

My son and his beautiful bride. Photo by Penny Hodge Photography http://www.pennyhodgephotography.net

Because I am always asked, my snake ring is from Avon, visit my store by clicking the name below if you’d like to purchase one:
Wild Safari Critter Ring – Snake

#36 ~ 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks

Quality

#36

Your quality of life is your own to determine. As the quote below says, no one to lean on, rely on or blame.

I like that the most right now about being single, it is MY life.  All about ME.

I make no apologies to anyone anymore.

I no longer have to make excuses to anyone for who and what I am.

It is my life, and right now it is amazing as I discover who I am beneath all the layers of what others thought I should be.

And I am pretty darn special!

#31 ~ 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks

Mood Swings

#31

Mood swings…they suck

You never see it coming, then suddenly “BAAM” you get your head bit off.

Or your significant other is in the kitchen banging stuff around pissed off (do people do that when when are happy? NO!).

You ask, “What’s wrong?”

Them:  “NOTHING”

Yeah whatever dorfwad.

Being single means only dealing with your own moodiness.

(and believe me MEN do have mood swings!)

Retaping A Box, With Super Glue!

I’m coming off of an interesting weekend, one that left me somewhat shocked but also confirmed my beliefs about a situation and the misery it would have actually brought to me.  I am a person that doesn’t handle it well when someone is upset with me.  If I have made someone angry or hurt them, I’m obsessed with trying to fix that and make it better.   And I am a person that needs closure on things to move past them, real closure.  I don’t give up easily without doing all I can to right a wrong.  Keep in mind I am very bull headed and stubborn, being born under the sign of Taurus and while this digging in my heals and refusing to budge can be good in achieving goals, on the negative side that trait can mean it takes me a while to go admit my wrong and try to mend a broken fence.  So if there is fencing down between me and you, give it time I’ll make an attempt to fix it and if we cannot work together to reconstruct that which has been broken, I will then seek to find closure.

If you have been following my Dating Diaries you know that The Count and I split in mid December.  It was the final heartbreak for me for a long time to come, I just cannot handle it anymore and need to focus on ME for a while.  Not to say that things won’t change but I learned never say never long ago!  I know I boxed him up and put him on the shelf.  But the damn packing tape wouldn’t stick.  That told me I still had some lose ends hanging  out that needed addressing.  Not the least of which is I hate when I don’t know why something failed, especially a relationship.  I wanted to talk to him to find out what went wrong so I could fix that if it was something with me that needs fixing.  So I sent a text asking if we could talk.  No answer, big surprise there (read with sarcastic tone).  So I followed that up with a text that I could stop by the store.  WHOA that was a mistake.  I received the following back in a text:

I am not dealing with you in any way, shape or form.  Do not show up at my store or a restraining order will be got by me on you.  I want to make it clear, there’s nothing to discuss, no reason to meet and anything further will be considered stalking and I will proceed to the restraining order!

I  have had one restraining order taken out against me, it was during my divorce from my first husband, the violent man that was an alcoholic.  I had threatened to break into the house and paint the living room ceiling black with orange polka dots.  It was an ugly time and I was out of line to make a threat like that, because frankly I don’t know what I was thinking, the polka dots would have been PINK not orange.  Anyway I don’t need or want another one issued for me.  I’ve not been stalking Steve, in fact I’ve not sent a single text in a month, I was hoping to give him some space to think things through then maybe we could sit down like adults and talk.  Silly me.

So, after receiving that text I went back to look over things thoroughly myself.  Remember the list of Pros and Cons I had written regarding our relationship? Well I went back and reviewed those with a now far less emotional mindset.  I could and should add a few things.  Frankly he is a complete asshole to his mother, I was gentle with that then but if that is how I’d be treated (and I  firmly believe the way a man treats his mother is a good indication of what is to come for you in a relationship), we’d have come to blows.  Oh that likely would happen too, seeings as in his past he has a little domestic violence charge because he found his first wife in bed with someone and tossed the guy through a window and punched her in the face causing some damage.

Add into that the fact that he didn’t want me to dye my hair a different color, no more tattoos because that was ‘littering your body with ink’, and a host of other little things that I would not do, he did not approve of etc etc etc and I see a short fused CONTROL FREAK that would keep my free spirited nature caged up again. Nope this would NOT work at all.

Back when things fell apart I was really confused.  I had assumed, since he deleted me from his Facebook and then wouldn’t respond to texts or phone calls (the day after telling me he loved me and thanking me for my patience because he was working so much), that we must be done, over, no more a couple.  This is the text I received finally  back then explaining things:

When u post things on facebook or ur friends do my grandson can see all of it.  And with that said I had some issues with the dear diary thing, then ur friends post of the topless woman protest on wall street the thecheerleader kicking with a stain in her white shorts.  I was mad and told jadon to defriend u and I did the same thinking he still might be able to see it.  he doesn’t need to see or read that kind of stuff, and he goes to his friends house and logs on too to which I don’t need someone else mad at me on posts I had nothing to do with.  So I did what I did and see that u assumed the worst so I need to step back and rethink the entire thing.

That was the last communication I had with him until the restraining order threat.  Now, the ‘dear diary’ thing is my blog.  And he knew all about the blog and told me he didn’t care what I posted on it, it was  mine and I could talk about me and him or whatever, it didn’t matter, that was my thing and he was supportive.  I guess he really did have issues with it?  Most likely because I am so honest about myself on it.  Like about my past life prior to him, being a swinger etc etc.  Guessing he didn’t want his family to know that he had a girlfriend with a colorful past.  Silly me, then open your mouth and say something.  It wouldn’t have changed a damn thing, my blog is MY outlet, my inner self and I write what I want and won’t be told not too.   Obviously he also doesn’t have a clue about blogging if he called it a ‘dear diary thing’.  Oh and the grandson, is 12 years old.  Gramps there better get a clue that kid has likely seen worse.  And it isn’t  my job to police others kids on Facebook.  My kids are adults and I wasn’t really thinking in the Disney mode of posting anymore.

My sister stopped in to purchase a ham during the holidays and they talked about me and him a bit.  When she asked him what he would assume if I had removed him from Facebook and then wouldn’t respond to texts of phone calls for a few days what he would have thought, he agreed, he would have assumed we were done, and that I hadn’t “assumed the worst” any more than he would have.  He seemed to see things very differently that day and said he was going to call me that night.  He then gave her one hell of a discount on the ham (guilt?).   I never heard from him.

After  retracing things, rethinking certain disapproving looks, remarks, out and out “no you won’t”, “If you are going to be a part of this family you better…”,  and in light of the above…closure I can now have.  I would have been miserable had that continued. I was in yet another relationship with a man that was mean spirited and controlling, and I was blind to it from the familiar dance steps for years and years past.

Yes, the box is now taped to stay with super glue just in case I have a weak moment.  And I’ve seen that my decision to spend this year relationship free is a very good thing.  I need to break the cycle of attraction to men that are controlling assholes.  I need a man with a strong personality, but that isn’t the same as a little mini-dictator that has to control others.

#28 & #29 ~ 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks!

DRAMA!

#28

It happens, this thing called Drama.

For some of us simply waking up means there it is, waiting for our eyes to open.

Others…well they have to try harder I suppose.

Drama is going to happen in a relationship.

Be it with friends of his/hers, family, whatever or whoever, drama will occur.

Unless of course you are single.

No drama with his mama….

or sister, or niece, or whoever.

AHHH!

Holidays

#29

Holidays are stressful enough without trying to split them down the middle.

His parents want you at their house, her parents want you around their table.

No one wants to give, especially the couple, when it comes to traditions.

Our family always does….

Thankfully, when it is just you, there is no need to worry about where  you will spend a holiday or if it can be split in such a way as to make everyone (except the two of you) happy.

#27 ~ 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks!

Toilet Seat

#27

One nice thing about being single, male or female:

The toilet seat is always just as you left it!

Leave it up, it stays put.

Leave it down, and there it will be next time you use the bathroom.

Personally, I prefer to keep the lid closed, keeps cats from drinking from it and from knocking things IN to the commode.

#20 ~ 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks!

Hygiene

#20

Showering.

It’s a choice you can make  if you are single.

No need to bother with it.

Spend the entire weekend without one if you can stand yourself that long.

Totally awesome shower curtain, click the photo if you want to purchase it or see other cool ones!

#19 ~ 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks!

Sleeping

#19

Okay this one isn’t quite mine.

I mean I had it on my list as sleeping anywhere you wish in the house.

Not on the couch because you are fighting and you were banished or decided to be a dolt (listen if you opt for the couch rather than the bed you are indeed a dolt).

But you fall asleep wherever and it is YOUR choice to sleep there.

The part not quite mine is what a local DJ on the radio posted on his Facebook this morning, that goes right along with this reason:

“The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter…naked…again.”

~ Jeff Thomas Q102  http://www.facebook.com/jeffthomasradio

Picture 'borrowed' from Daily Cognition, click photo to see other funny animal sleeping pics