Random Thoughts For 1/1/2017

I’m the only one awake at the moment here in the Diva Den. I was awake for the change of numbers at the end of the date, and then I went to bed. Being a very early riser for work (4am) I was wide awake at 6:30am today.  That darn little switch in the brain click to the “on” position and here I am, sipping coffee and doing laundry before I head over to watch my youngest grandchild.

Hot cup of fresh coffee on the wooden table and stack of books t2017..oh what will happen over the next 365 days? God only knows for certain, but I have a few predictions/thoughts and plans:

  • Mom will keep taking chemo, at least for a bit. The tumor has nested itself against her hip, so this latest chemo (the one that nearly killed her last summer) is being given in a reduced dose, spread over time, in the hopes it will shrink the tumor away from the bone so it doesn’t eat through and fracture the hip. We’ve dubbed it “Pandora” and we know in the end Pandora, being terminal, is going to win, but mom isn’t going down without a fight. I will be beyond happy if she is here to roll into 2018, but it is highly unlikely. Meanwhile we take it a day at a time, making memories in ways I never imagined.
  • I will be making better money as I get my certification to pass meds in Kentucky soon. I’ll keep working in memory care, where my heart now thrives with my adorable, challenging, if you don’t laugh about it you’ll cry, residents.
  • The shop is getting a serious focus, I’m going to be doing more research, pre-planning of what to make, and doing more to schedule releases of stock. I’m taking this more seriously now, not just a fun hobby to make a little pocket money, but to really focus on it as a business.
  • I’m leaving Avon behind. I love the products and believe it them, but I am one woman with entirely too many irons in the fires and need to simplify my life. With so much anticipated in this new year, I have to do some serious pruning.
  • Purge..that is the word, my word for 2017. Purging things I don’t need, wear, have time for…and it will include not just things but activities. If it isn’t building me up, doing something positive for my faith or life, it has to go. If I don’t wear it anymore, it doesn’t fit, whatever the case, gone it will be. This includes other blogs I have, those are being done away with and everything I do post will be here. It is possible I will keep a blog for the shop, but I’m not certain of that just yet. If my faith posts offend, well then I suppose folks will have to skip reading those.
  • In the spirit of simplifying my life, even my page here got a small makeover, just a cleaner look.
  • My novel…oh the changes I’ve made, rewrites, restarts…it will be written this year but with a new direction. I’ve started, stopped, changed things, and started again. But I’ve purged all of that and starting over. As for the non-fiction work? Well, there is much I could say about that, but it is suffice to say at Woman Camp this past Fall, with my church, I freed myself by God’s grace of the burden I was carrying. I thought writing it about it would be healing, but instead I talked to my new friends, other sisters in Christ, around a fire one afternoon. Then I walked through a guided process, alone on the edge of the woods, prayed, cried, prayed some more, then took the veil of guilt and shame that was covering me, and literally dropped it on a fire and watched it all blow away in black smoke that diminished and became clear, crisp air. I’m free from that, washed in the blood of Christ, it is behind me. Perhaps I will write about it one day, here in my blog, to help others be free of the veils holding them back. Time will tell, and God will direct that path.

My coffee has grown cold in my cup, the washer is finished, and I have to be over at my daughter’s in 2 hours to spend a day with my grandson while his brother and parents enjoy a football game.

Happy New Year to all, and God’s richest blessings upon each and every one of you reading this!

Random Things I Learned In 2013

Courtesy of Keattikorn/freedigitalphotos.net

Courtesy of Keattikorn/freedigitalphotos.net

While I believe we learn something new every day, sometimes very trivial and seemingly without meaning or substance in our life, there are things we learn that we take with us as we move on down the road.  This is a list of random things I learned in 2013 in no particular order.

  • Heavy traffic is much more tolerable when you turn on uplifting music (KLOVE) and seat dance while commuting.  If you cannot seat dance because the car is moving, bobbing your head and singing along at the top of your lungs into your go-cup of coffee like it were a microphone works too.  It will improve your mood immensely and help you start the day off on a positive note.
  • No matter how nice someone is, or claims to be, actions will speak louder than words.  Unless of course those words are written. Pay attention to what they say, do or write about others and you.  It will show their true character.
  • Contrary to what folks say about a tiger cannot change his stripes, people CAN and DO change.  We aren’t tigers and if someone does take time to stop and really evaluate who they are, they can change negative characteristics about themselves, their direction in life, dreams, desires etc.
  • The name, Zelda, means “blessed” in Yiddish.  And The Kabalarian Society research results of the in depth meaning of the name is pretty spot on when it comes to me.  What someone meant for meanness, I have embraced and have learned is really a beautiful, special name. (I still want an autographed copy of the book) Yes, I am, indeed, very blessed.
  • My parents are not going to live forever.  Yes, I realized that long ago, but this year I was really faced with their mortality and it’s caused me to count my blessings.  Life dealt me some painful cards that resulted in my living with my mom again for 3 years, and I’ve been given a wealth of memories thanks to what I thought was a bad thing that turned into a great one.
  • Just when I was ready to give up, literally that very night, and embrace being single for the rest of my life, someone read and responded to my dating profile on a singles site and changed my life forever.  I discovered my heart could safely emerge from the self imposed shell and trust again, love again, and be filled with joy in a relationship one more time.  I’m not his first, but I intend to be his last, and him mine.
  • Essential oils, in 100% pure form, have some serious medicinal qualities that are just amazing.  I have cured my insomnia with Lavender oil, and a sinus infection with Tea Tree oil.
  • Some people are just born to be douche canoes and that cannot be changed unless they want too, and most of them don’t.  Move on and leave them there in their sorry state, they are not worth it.
  • There are times, regardless of how inappropriate it indeed may be, sometimes “really? well _____ (fill in appropriate name) can hug deeze nuts!” IS the correct response.
  • Forgiveness and praying for those who have hurt you, isn’t about them, it’s about you.  And you will be a better person for it as each day progresses.   No, praying, “Lord I forgive them, and ask that You bless them with all that is good right after they are hit by a subway train” is not the idea, but certainly understandable that you might feel that way.  After consistently doing so for 30 days you suddenly find that the root of bitterness has moved on and you actually do feel some care for them.
  • When you sleep with a dog in your room, you soon discover that they too will snore.  And they will sync up their breathing with the humans in the room so that the 2-legged soul rumbles, then the pup answers with kind of a whistle, rumble…whistle…rumble…whistle.  And if you take the perspective that the sounds are those of beings you dearly love, it becomes a comforting sound you can sleep too.
  • A kitten who is hungry at 3 am will not sing the song of her people outside the bedroom door.  Instead she will run up and launch all 3 or 4 pounds of herself against the door, repeatedly, again and again and again until you either fall back asleep or give in and go fill the bowls.  You won’t soon forget to fill them before retiring for the night.
  • Developing an attitude of gratitude about EVERYTHING will help grow happiness in your heart.

Certainly that is not all, but it is a portion of the important things I will take with me as lessons learned, into the new year.

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The Landscape Of 2013

375254_588441514504373_587190092_nWhen I first told my mom I was getting a divorce, back in February 2010, she looked at me and said, “you think the world is ending now, but trust me, a year from now the landscape of your life is going to be so different than it is at this moment.”  It was hard to believe that anything could be different than what I felt at that time, the pain and depression, and that it would be better than I was able at that time to imagine, but I kept those words in my heart and mind as I drifted mindlessly through the process.

The thing about mom is she is right about 99.9% of the time.  And wouldn’t you know it, one year out, January of 2011, my life was indeed very different.  My first Christmas as a divorcee was past me, and my first New Year’s Eve.  I not only survived it, but wow what an amazing holiday season it had been.  No longer married to Ebenezer Scrooge, I  found so much joy again in the season and relished the memories I made through that year.  I had moved in with my mom, sister and 2 nieces.  We had 2500 square feet of new home to enjoy and I discovered that despite the many differences (and similarities) in our personalities, and the nay-sayers that said it would never work, it rocked.  We laughed a lot around here. Daily in fact and we still do.  I can still count on one hand, though admittedly only about one digit is left to spare, the number of times I’ve gotten into a heated argument or confrontation with any of my housemates.  In that time I discovered it wasn’t me that had the ugly attitude and temper for 22 years.

As 2012 is coming to a close, and January looms over the hill in less than 24 hours, I realized that it will be 3 years now since that day when the ex told me he wanted out of my life.  The day my world changed forever and life became known as “before the announcement/after the announcement”.  And again this year the landscape of my life has changed very much.

So, what things changed, what did I learn in 2012?  That is really what this is post is all about.

CHANGES IN THE LANDSCAPE

*My son married on St. Patty’s Day and I gained a daughter-in-law and granddaughter (my first grandchild).

*My first grandson was born the day after Christmas, to my son and his wife, making me a grandma twice over.

*My younger brother (the older of the two brothers) married the woman I believe is the love of his life, on 12/30/12, in a flash wedding ceremony at the local conservatory.  We all walked in, located the spot that they as a couple determined was a good, quieter one, and the minister began the ceremony.  With visitors to the conservatory who happened to be in the room, or wandered in, all looking on with us close family, they were married.  Then we were off to a wonderful (I cannot say enough about the food OMG) dinner to celebrate.  I loved this as we have waited, not too patiently, for this day to finally arrive.

*I did not end up marrying at the nationals for the “outlaw” motorcycle club that the now ex-boyfriend (but very very dear friend) was a member.  I did not end up marrying at all.  I’m single but honestly more than content being so.  I’ve learned to relish my singleness and not at all sure I will ever marry again.  Not closing the door on that but it is no longer on my bucket list to marry again.

*The ex-hubby tied the knot while on vacation in Jamaica this year, and much to my surprise I not only wasn’t hurt by it, I was thrilled for them both!  And over joyed for my children, even though they are adults, she is a wonderful person to have in their lives and I believe has made their lives that much richer with her love of them.

*I went back to ‘school’ and achieved my certificate to be a nurse aide.  In a few weeks I’ll take my state test and hopefully find a job in this field quickly.  I loved working with the residents in the nursing home during clinicals and think I may have found my niche in life.

THINGS I LEARNED IN 2012

*No one is responsible for my happiness.  I am not lonely because I am not ‘attached’ to someone.  I’m not ‘alone’ either.  I knew all of this but as the year progressed it came to be better understood on deeper levels to me.  I am independent, confident, and comfortable as Marti.  I am not “just Marti” because I am not “Marti and ______ “, but rather I am MARTI – marvelous, fun, quirky Marti.  I am happy, have fun, enjoy life and love me as I am.

*I do have areas of me and my life that  need to improve, and I’m actively working on those.

*My faith is very important to me, and I need to take nurturing that faith more seriously.

*95+mph on the back of a Harley on the highway is liberating, crazy, amazing….and I’m okay if I never do that again.  Oh don’t get me wrong, I was terrified of highways at all up until the Biker/Cowboy, but in a pack of riders who are riding like they just stole the motorcycles (some probably had if I was honest with myself), it was an outstanding rush!  But not wise and certainly not something I want to keep doing.  I had my moments on that one, crossed it off the bucket list.

*People I had admired, looked up to, and had inspired me, people I thought were over all good people…can turn out to to be evil, vindictive people.  And many who play the victim are not only the ones doing the victimizing, they usually are just seeking attention.

*It is perfectly okay to write whatever I want in order to vent and get it out of my system, but it isn’t always necessary to hit “publish” once I am finished writing.  Somethings are better left between me and the keyboard, or to be published at a later date in my novels or on my pen-name/ghost blog.  No I do not share that one, sorry.  It is the place for things I don’t publish under my real identity to avoid hurting people I love.

*My son continues to amaze me, but that is another post.  But one thing I learned, just when you think you cannot possibly love your children anymore than you already do…they have children of their own and your heart swells bigger as you watch them hold their own child and you find you love them more and in a brand new way.

The landscape of 2013 is before me, and over the next 12  months it will change, grow, parts will die off and when I look up at the end of this year, it will look familiar, no doubt, but it will be again so different from what it is now.

Day 8 ~ 30 Days Of Thankfulness 2012

Today I am thankful for my kids.  Both are amazing adults, amazing people and have amazing hearts.

Both have become people I am very proud of!

In their own unique ways they never fail to cheer me up, make me laugh til my sides hurt and I’m crying.

Both would give a stranger the shirt off their backs, and both have reached out to help the under dogs in life.

They both had dreams for jobs and went after them, never looking back.

I love you both, you are major lights in my life, and I’m so very thankful to have you.

The Elf On The Where?

I love the holiday season.  For me it starts Monday, October 1st and runs through New Years Day.  Halloween and all things spooky kick it off and it rolls through 3 months, 1 full quarter of the year.  Seems appropriate that deep winter follows, good time to hibernate after all of the activity.  I even coordinate my cell phone wallpaper and texting theme (I use GO SMS Pro) to the various holidays.

As  far as Halloween goes, I’m not into haunted houses unless it is the real deal, like Waverly Hills Sanitorium or some such truly haunted place.  I do not like masks on people, I need to be able to see their eyes to be comfortable. And I am no fan of anything or anyone jumping out at me or touching me.  In other words I am not one that likes being scared by pranks and stage makeup, but I am into paranormal type frights because I’m not scared by that, just fascinated.  I do enjoy the fun side of Halloween, like carving pumpkins and cute witches  and goblins that come ringing my doorbell, fun foods for parties and even a good costume party if folks dress creatively.

Thanksgiving is like intermission with food.  I enjoy food.  REALLY enjoy food, goes with being a Taurus, there is an ongoing love affair with all things delicious and edible, and a bittersweet relationship with the scale as a result.  Thanksgiving day is just for loading up on calories for energy for Black Friday shopping, and a great excuse to bring the family together.  Hopefully you don’t  wait for such occasions to have your family come by for dinner.  Around the Diva Den all it takes is a phone call in the afternoon and some creative combining of resources to produce a family dinner.

My all time favorite holiday is Christmas.  So much so that thanks to living in this very big house, we can have 2 trees, which is my dream.  I love decorating trees, and would have one in every single room!  Even my bedroom has a tree, a Charlie Brown tree 🙂  because it  is such a great Christmas show.  I love the decorations, smells, sounds…everything about this holiday rocks!  We have a tradition of watching “It’s A  Wonderful Life” on Christmas Eve after all the festivities are done and we’re in our jammies.

I want  to start a new tradition this year.  I get that in this house everyone is an adult, and while we believe in the spirit of Santa, we’ve gone beyond truly believing in the person.  However, traditions can be fun for adults even if they are mostly for kids.  Last year I stumbled on the whole Elf On The Shelf craze just after the holidays.  I think the entire thing is just adorable and my hat is off to the authors of the book, who have created a very special tradition in so many families around the globe.  Even though we are adults, I want to ‘adopt’ an elf and begin the tradition.  I’m checking out the local adoption centers, you can find your local centers on the website, Elf On The Shelf so you can adopt your own family elf.  For those parents looking for creative ideas for their elf to be found each day, I found this cute blog of 100 Mischievous Elf Ideas, they are great!

It is never too early or too late for that matter, to start thinking of ways to make holidays more fun and enjoyable for children young and old alike!

#14 ~ 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks!

Career

#14

Working or your career – NO one to complain that you are working too much.

For me, I’m busy building a business at the moment, and it can take a lot of my time.

Since it is 1 of 2 jobs I have, and the one that I plan to make HUGE and the big bucks, I have little time for a relationship.

No one can complain if there is no significant other!

#8 ~ 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks!

Mornings

#8

We’ve all seen the commercials for mouth washes that claim to rid us of morning breath.

The nice thing about being single means NO worries!

Cats and dogs seem intrigued by nasty morning muck mouth.

Others…not so much.

Being single means you can just breathe those green clouds with no mercy!

Shelving 2011 ~ Box 31

I follow The Single Woman and that is where I was inspired to come up with this year ending purging from my life. The first post (Life’s Changing Landscape: Shelving 2011) covers the how/why, the rest will be the 31 things I am shelving from 2011 that will not go with me into the new year, the full list of posts pertaining to what I’m purging can be found here: Shelving 2011.

Box 31

This is the biggest box.  The contents of this one can weigh heavy on my heart at times.    There are thousands of unanswered questions, suspicions, and facts that all add up to a lot of unresolved pain in my life.

I may never know the truth, and really it doesn’t matter.  It is written in stone, court documents, and is water under the bridge.

It is the past, painted on a canvas that cannot ever be changed.

Honestly, if the opportunity for reconciliation were given, I’d not take it.  It took distance to see that he was poison to my soul.  Though perhaps not intentionally, the mix of us was not good.

In my mind and heart I sincerely feel as if the level of  love and devotion was one sided, which no doubt resulted in many of the issues we had.  Also evident in the fact that I was not the one that quit.

Yes, while I do pray for him, I’m guilty of the “dear Lord, let his life be full of prosperity and happiness, AFTER You have him run over by a truck and the karma bus”, which is not quite what God had in mind when praying for those who hurt us or are our enemies.

But the time has come, in just 2 weeks it will be 2 years since the day I was told it was all over.

He IS a good person, and a good dad.

I wish him every happiness in the world, one filled with love.

I’ve learned what a good wife is and isn’t.  Funny, that definition varies with each person and their needs.  To him I was not. To many others, they are convinced I would be.  If only I could find the one that matches my specs for the good husband! 😉

I’ve taken the steps to fix me.

I’m taking the initial steps through DivorceCare to ensure this box stays sealed up tight.

For those still in the dark at this point, this is the box that contains all the loose ends of my marriage.  It took longer than I thought to move past it, this whole year a time of healing for me, but 22 years is a long time to move past.

It was not always an easy ride.  I have a lot of great memories, and a part of my heart that was so devoted to him will always love him.  But there are painful parts too.  Some of our own making, much that was just inflicted upon us from the outside, from life and frankly crappy cards dealt by fate.  Well okay, Divine Providence.  And while to us they seemed crappy, we were meant to go through those rough waters for a reason.  Most of those reasons won’t be understood in this lifetime.

Either way, now that I’ve reached the point in my life where I want to box it all up, NEED to box it all up, I am purging it all. It is on the shelf.  It is the first of the boxes to be taped up today and left here in 2011.

A new year is here.

A new, fresh start.

A blank canvas waiting to be filled with a  year of hard work, lessons to learn, and a heart and mind focused where it should have been all along.  On the One that never fails me, never leaves me, has my name written on His hand, and will always love me, though I certainly do not deserve it.

The other two, small boxes, just hold miscellaneous stuff and the odds and ends that don’t really have a category or need a box of their own.  The ‘paper schnittzles’ of 2011 that needed to be swept up and away.  Nothing  noteworthy just little dust bunnies of sorts.

It feels good to leave this all behind.

*Raises glass*

To a new year – bring on 2012!

~*~

Shelving 2011 ~ Box 30

I follow The Single Woman and that is where I was inspired to come up with this year ending purging from my life. The first post (Life’s Changing Landscape: Shelving 2011) covers the how/why, the rest will be the 31 things I am shelving from 2011 that will not go with me into the new year, the full list of posts pertaining to what I’m purging can be found here: Shelving 2011.

Box 30

WOW, 2nd to last box of the 31 things I plan to leave behind in 2011. 

In this box will go all the grudges I hold against people who have hurt me.

Some were judgmental regarding posts I’ve made, or my past when I returned to church.

Some were people that stabbed me in the back, threw me under the bus, some broke my heart, or otherwise caused me pain.

I could name the names but that wouldn’t really be of any benefit to anyone.  You know who you are and what you did.  If you don’t, well all the better.  I’ve let all this live rent free in my heart and head and it is time to box it up and leave it here in this year.  Everyone gets a clean slate for the new year, bygones are just that, it’s all water under the bridge.

Forgiveness…it isn’t about those that have caused us pain, it is about US.  About ME.  And I am letting go of it all, it is just not worth the energy to hang on to past inflictions. I’ve learned and accept that some people are just assholes and that is okay.  You can be one, outside of my head and heart.

So, into the box goes the grudges, and the void left behind by those is filled with forgiveness and grace.  When I am tempted to pull the tape off the seal and open that box, instead I will pray for that person.

Shelving 2011 ~ Box 29

I follow The Single Woman and that is where I was inspired to come up with this year ending purging from my life. The first post (Life’s Changing Landscape: Shelving 2011) covers the how/why, the rest will be the 31 things I am shelving from 2011 that will not go with me into the new year, the full list of posts pertaining to what I’m purging can be found here: Shelving 2011.

Box 29

This box is related to my post yesterday, about embracing ME in 2012, it is dating.  I’m putting dating in the box and putting it on the shelf for the coming year.  I think my biggest problem was jumping into the dating scene too soon after the marriage had ended.  I need time to finish unwrapping me without reapplying layers to suit others that I am seeing.  Only one of the 3 men I got into a relationship with this past year didn’t try to change me, and that was the Superhero.  He just wanted to know ME and didn’t ask me to change anything about myself.  Sadly it didn’t work because I didn’t want him to change either.  Mr. Wonderful wanted me to layer over things, not mention them, etc from my past.  And the Count…well obviously he wanted me to layer over things too, and that simply will not work.  Again. Ever.

I’ve decided that I need more time to discover  me.  I know that I have some unresolved issues and hurts from the marriage.  I found an awesome divorce support group called DivorceCare.  Bible based and full of support, I am going to look into it.  It runs about 13 weeks and many of the churches in this area have started DivorceCare groups.  My best friend from childhood told me what a wonder it did for her, not to mention she met her soon to be husband in this group, remained friends long after the sessions ended, and now they are in love and going to get married.  I don’t want to join to find anyone, I’m not looking.  I want to join to clear up any last fragments of pain and move forward.  No doubt it will help in my faith too.

SO, while I will enjoy the company of male friends now and then, they have to understand I am not seeking a relationship right now with anyone but ME.  No dating, I pay my own way or I don’t go.  Simple as that.  I will gladly spend time with friends, but I am not seeking a mate.  I’m seeking the person that matters most in my life, ME.