My Worst Nightmare Isn’t A Bad Dream…

Have you a worst nightmare? A situation in life you know will happen one day, but you still try hard not to ever think about it? Keep it stuffed in a mental file drawer in the big file cabinet of the brain and hope it stays there in its little file folder at the back of the drawer, hidden in the dark? Mine is losing my mom, and though I knew 8 years ago this time was going to come, I tried to keep the drawer locked and shoved things in front of it so that file folder at the back of it would not surface.

Monday that file needed to come out, and the drawer flew open and the folder drifted down onto the floor of my brain and opened to the first page of the contents: The Beginning Of The End For Mom.

She has cancer of the appendix. I know, who the heck has heard of this and why is this even a thing? It was discovered about 8 years ago, when they thought she had appendicitis and her appendix appeared to have ruptured. I knew something was up when the surgery took a heck of a lot longer than it was supposed too. The doc simply explained it away as it took awhile to locate all the pieces and remove them. Okay, we can go with that, it made perfect sense at the time.  Cancer was the furthest thing from our minds. But when she went for followup we learned that it had not ruptured but rather this cancer had basically eaten it for lunch.

What followed was surgery to remove anything that looked like cancer, part of her colon so that the microscopic cancer cells would be gone, then a chemo wash of her abdomen (super heated chemo in fluid form filling the abdominal cavity for 45 minutes in the hope of reaching all those little *&^%$# cells and killing them). I don’t know the actual cancer type but it is rare, and mom set out like the fighter she is to research it. That didn’t take long as there just isn’t much known, it is rare, weird and always terminal. Life expectancy once found 5 years. She found it early because after having beat breast cancer she pays attention to subtle changes in her body and something just wasn’t quite right. No pain, just a twinge at times. Being a cancer warrior who beat it, they watch for those things and thankfully did what was necessary to discover this little killing creeper.

She has had 2 more tumors that were surgically removed over the years. It keeps coming back like a bad headline over and over until it finally wins. The first time it returned, in surgery her femoral nerve was stretched and damaged, leaving her unable to use her leg at all when she woke up. NO feeling, unable to move it, she was unable to walk. Scared? Heck no, she was flaming pissed off! But that subsided 80-85% and she was walking again with physical therapy. She lost a lot of feeling in her leg but she could get back to work and she did. My mom is a trooper, a real warrior and nothing stops her easily.

The next round she all but threatened the surgeons lives, not that it was really anyone’s fault, that is where Pandora happens to have taken up residence, next to that nerve and close to her right hip. Oops, sidebar note here: my niece named this cancer Pandora, as once out of the box it isn’t leaving and sets off a series of most unwelcome events.

She has done chemo of all sorts, which have helped to shrink it at times, holding it at bay, but it always returns. She has suffered so many side effects from the various chemo rounds, lost her hair multiple times (comes back different each round too), neuropathy in her hands etc. that she has been through the war with this vicious little disease.

Last year we almost lost her to the side effects of a rather strong chemo her body couldn’t work with, she lacked an enzyme she needed to work with the chemo to fight the cancer. This year we tried again, only with all kinds of infusions of drugs and a lower dose of the chemo, which for a while kept it in check, there but not growing. But the chemo became too much and instead of 2 out of 14 days between treatments, she was 12 days of feeling like total hell. She tossed in the towel and said enough.

She was preparing to go on one more kind but the cost was through the roof, and odds only 30% it would hold back the growth of pandora for any amount of time. Her goal was one more Christmas with us, this last summer on the deck each day, see her 6th great-grandchild come into the world, one last birthday for mom. Tuesday’s test results ended that chapter short of the goals.

She has been having trouble, throwing every few days, some wretched looking stuff and tons of fluid. Then feeling okay again for a day or two, then repeat. She feared a bowel obstruction, which was a possibility as pandora grows and pushes her mean self into areas she shouldn’t have the right too. Monday she was admitted to the hospital, and Tuesday I was there for the scan results and that is precisely what has happened. Pandora is shoving her way through and causing a partial obstruction, that will become full blown soon. With an NG tube up her nose to drain the nastiness out of her gut so she stops heaving, mom and the doc discussed options. Basically it boils down to Hospice or no Hospice, the end has arrived. She and God are now writing the last few pages of the final chapter of the book of her life.

I was too shocked to be anything but numb. We thought we had one more Christmas, this final summer, time to find a smaller house, time for baby Elijah to come into this world and meet his Gigi.

After the doc left the room mom looked at me and said “don’t freak out.”. Oh no worries yet, I hadn’t processed enough for a freak out. Actually I didn’t ever freak out, it isn’t my way with something like this at all. I just got a bit misty eyed as the reality soaked in and the pain in my heart began to grow. When sis got there we told her, then when mom’s phone rang she and I left the room for a waiting room and the flood gates opened. After the initial water works we pulled it together and went back to her room to begin getting all those damn end of life ducks in rows.

That night we cried a lot, planned, cried, sipped coffee, and cried. My kids went up to see Gigi and then my son dropped by my house later with a letter he had written mom when he got home. He had some things he wanted to tell her but couldn’t have said them, he had to put it all in writing. She has that with her now.

My mom is the matriarch of our family. Top dog with grace, fearlessness, golden heart and more love than you can imagine. I mean, she is actively dying and is worrying about all of us and our lives, trying to help us! She has faced everything life throws at her with strength and dignity (yes she blows a gasket at times but somehow does that gracefully as well). She is our rock, the voice of reason, the family compass.

When I thought my divorce was the end of my world, my husband basically kicking me aside, it was the biggest gift of my life! I have spent the past 7 years living with my mom, getting to make memories with her and my sister and nieces. Working out every crisis with her wisdom and love. And coffee. When sh*t goes sideways in life, mom always made coffee. I can’t function in a hell storm without coffee now. In fact my sister and I came home Tuesday night and made coffee because that is what mom would do.  Yes we drank it. My past 7 years has been such an amazingly, wonderful blessing! But now it has to end.

I’m lost. I’m numb mentally. I’m in shock. I’m in such horrible pain inside. I do not know how to do this!!!! On this road of life we walk with others next to us. As the road goes along, they sometimes go off on another path nearby, but they are still parallel to ours and we still chat etc through the trees and flowers. But along that path are gates that lead to eternity, and each gate has a name on it. And when that person arrives at their gate, there is no more path in front of their feet, they must enter through that gate. And once through and that gate closes, we can no longer see them. The gate locks and fades away leaving only our memories to carry with us.  Mom’s gate is now in view, the end of the path is there in front of us and the gate is swinging open. Soon she will say good bye and go through the gate, and it will close and vanish, taking her with it to the other side. And I cannot begin to imagine how I’m supposed to take the next steps and continue down this path of my life without her.

I’m not angry with God, my Abba has blessed me so much. In fact, the only thing I know to do is curl up in His arms, let His Word wash over me, and seek comfort from Him. These next few weeks all I can do is cling to Him and know that He is in control of all of this, and that mom will soon be with Him.

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Me, Mom, and Sis

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Post It Note Tuesday – PINT!

YEAH!!! I love Tuesday, because it is not MONDAY, which frankly makes Tuesdays good right out of the starting gate. Add to that, it is Post It Note Tuesday, a meme where you can let it all out on post it notes! Just click the yellow note to join in the fun. Then post away! Oh and if you need help making the stickies for this meme, go HERE to make your own in 4 lovely colors.

Only Parent Chronicles
This week I am posting status lines I’ve seen recently on Facebook. Some were funny, some touching, and one just flat out made me thing WTH???
Have an awesome day everyone!!!!!
The Marvelous One

Day 03 → Something I Have To Forgive Myself For

Reaching up and grabbing the cord, I pull down the trap door that has the steps attached to the attic of my mind and heart.  Unfolding the steps I climb up slowly, into the dark hole above.  When I reach the top step I gently wave my arm above my head and locate the pull string to turn on the light.  Just like the cobweb filled, dusty top level of the house,  this attack contains memories, all boxed up, and stacked in rows.  Many contain happy thoughts and mental images of life for the past 47 years, and some contain things that are not so pleasant and others will be down right painful to open.  I scan the rows, fingers lightly running across the writing on the containers, bringing back snippets of days gone by.  I don’t linger over these, today I am searching for a particular one,  its contents difficult to face.  Finally I spot it, there  in the corner, away from all the other cartons.

I approach this particular trunk with much dread, as while the contents are usually few, they are not things that are happy, pretty or fun.  These are  things that fill me with regret, things waiting for me to face and let go of so that they can be placed in a different container for unpleasant memories somewhere else  in my mental  attic.  The lid creeks as I  lift it, and gently tip it back.   Light shines forth from the inside of this trunk, as facing its contents is the key to moving on in life as a better person.  But light can pierce into the darkness, and be painful to the eyes that have existed in the darkness for any period of time.  But today I am ready… Peering inside I see it, the one lone item.  It is that something I need to forgive myself for, just waiting there for me to face it head on.  I’ve not been ignoring it, I do struggle with it and examine it from time to time, but in the past I’ve always placed it back in the trunk, closed the lid and moved on.  Not today, today this needs to be faced.

For 24 years I was fortunate enough to be the significant other to a very special man, and for  just shy of 23 years I bore  his name as his wife.  They were not always happy years, our marriage road  the choppy  waters of life’s storms, some that were of our own making, but most came out of no where and caught us off guard.  Neither of us can claim to have been stellar sailors through those waves, we each fell  short time and time again.  But we weathered them and I always felt came through them better than we had been when the first dark  clouds had approached.  With each day and each crisis I loved him more, my heart embracing my Prince Charming.  Oh I knew he was not a true Prince, in fact in many ways he fell far short of the mark, but he was  mine and deep down to the core of my heart and soul I loved that man with every cell in me.  It did not matter that he was not perfect, he was Pete, my soul mate, my knight in shining armor, and the dents and tarnished areas, though  often what would  annoy me about him, were also things I truly loved about him.

I was far from the perfect wife, mom and woman.  In his eyes, at one time, he must have seen something in me that he wanted.  I remember one time waking up from a deep sleep to find him sitting next to the bed just watching me sleep.  I asked him what he was doing and he said just looking at me,  marveling that I was all his.  It is one of the most beautiful memories I have of him, a time when he looked past my faults and could see inside and see something and someone of value, someone he treasured.  I was someone that he wanted to spend his life with, have children with, and grow old next too.  I wonder how we got from those eyes  looking at me in wonder and love, to the eyes that looked at me before we entered the court room for our divorce, now filled with such hatred and disdain, that tore at my heart leaving fresh and painful wounds.

I am a woman that feels all emotions deeply. My love is deep, my happiness runs deep, my pain runs to my core, as does my anger.  I could  go from zero to 120 in a  split second, erupting like a volcano spewing destructive lava all over.  At times I even took pride in the fact that when I  was mad I went for the emotional and mental  jugular on the target of my outbursts.  I got angry over silly, small things to extremes  that  left folks around me scratching their heads as to why something so insignificant would make me SO upset,  and other things would not.   There was no pattern, no way to know what would  set  off  the dynamite  and bring forth a very ugly me.  For years my Prince would tell me that I needed to get a grip on my anger, but I didn’t listen.  Others around me helped me justify it, telling me that I was just  overly tired and stressed out.

They were correct, I was often tired and under a lot of stress.  For years I  carried the financial weight of our family, while dealing with his medical issues that nearly killed him on 3 different occasions.  The pain and sleep deprivation,  combined with narcotics that made him a bear to tolerate.  We went through a period where we were charging our groceries on credit cards just to feed our kids, anyone around me could understand me being stressed out and angry.  SO many things year upon year that put much mental and emotional weight on me that were convenient excuses for my vicious moments.  But all the while Pete was telling me that I needed to get control of my temper.  He is not a great communicator, I’ve always known this about him, but if  ONLY I had given more attention to what he was saying.  He wasn’t able to put into words that I was ripping his heart apart at times, driving him away from me.  And I wasn’t able to see it.  After all he was one person with one view, and I had a lifetime of who I was, a family with 3 siblings with comparable tempers, and a host of folks telling me that I was  just stressed out.  Tempers are a given in my family, I always assumed it was the strong German blood lines with some Hungarian and Irish thrown in to add some sparks to our fires.  My sister and both brothers can match me notch for notch in the outbursts, it was all I knew from childhood  on!  But if  only I had listened.

In recent years I stepped across the lines and went beyond what my husband could forgive.  On 2 separate occasions he lost 2 friends.  One died around the time our marriage was  hanging by threads due to indiscretions of Pete’s, things that hurt me deeply and broke my trust in him.  One night I lashed out in anger,  going for his heart, and told him I wished he had died and was rotting in hell like his friend, Tim.  Tim died after suffering burns  when a grill blew up that he was lighting.  I drove a stake into Pete’s heart that time that he was unable to pull out.  Then a little over 2 years ago, a fellow fire fighter, coworker and friend,  perished fighting a fire, and that hit Pete harder than anything I had ever seen affect him.  On 2 different nights,  alcohol induced (a very bad mix with my temper),  while in a rage so intense I didn’t even recall saying it the one time, I made the mistake of  telling him that I wished it had been him, and not Brian, that had died that day.  In those moments I finally drove the knife so deep in his heart that Pete was no longer able to forgive me and love me.  For  the next year and a half he went through the motions, pretending to love me, trying to love me, and unable to do handle it.  What is sad is that during that time a friend made the comment that we were retarded in love with each other, the way he  looked at me and I at him, never could anyone have guessed Pete was putting on an award winning performance,  there was no longer any love there.  So good was his act that I didn’t see it,  in fact I had never been happier, never felt more adored and loved by him as I did during that time.

He told me in tears that he wanted out, on January 8th of this year.  Regardless of what others tell me, and there are many sharing information, that there was another woman near the end, the bottom line is me.  IF in fact he had someone else, which he still says is not the case, it is my fault,  I had killed what was there for me and if  he sought comfort and love else where I have no one to blame.  I have been to the doctor, learned I have a serotonin imbalance.  My brain releases more serotonin than needed, and the cells that should absorb it cannot take it all in, so the releasing cells re-uptake the excess, which they should not do, and this seems to be the root of the problem.   That is where  the intensity comes  in to play.  I take medication that is a re-uptake  inhibitor and that keeps the balance.  I am still angry, but can process the anger  now.  I’m relearning how to react to situations and people, and able to not get fixated on something and just blow off the steam until it is gone.  I’m in control now.

For so many years in his imperfect ways he tried to tell me.  I now give myself permission to forgive ME.  I forgive myself for not hearing him,  for not seeing that there really was a problem,  for not listening to the person closest to me instead of others.  I forgive myself for falling short of that woman he watched sleeping, the one he at one time adored.  I forgive myself for not being perfect  and not being able to be who he needed me to be. For being less  than the mom I could have been.  I forgive myself for not being the one he will grow old with because of my own stubbornness when at some point I could have fixed me.  And I forgive myself for any pain I brought to him, me and our children over all these years when I could have sought help and made things better. I forgive me for my part in what should  have been forever.

This has been a difficult thing to come too, but it is also freeing.  The trunk is now empty again.  It is painful, no doubt about it, facing and forgiving me.  But it is done.  I close the lid, walk to the steps,  reach up and turn off the light….

Click here for more information about the 30 Days of Truths

Random Happy Thoughts

Random Happy Thoughts

I think I’ve gotten my latest frustrations out of my system, today calls for random happy thoughts that have rolled through my head today.

  • Sleeping in totally rocks!  Went to bed at midnight and didn’t get up until 10:45am this morning.  I feel MARVELOUS!
  • Grocery shopping is fun when you share the experience with someone.  I enjoyed going shopping with Diva Mom.
  • Nothing beats fresh veggies, especially corn on the cob  purchased from local farmers at road side stands  and picked fresh this morning!
  • Having my daughter over  to spend the afternoon and evening with us, cooking out and wine tonight  in the Diva Den.  I miss living with her and love  getting to spend  time together 🙂
  • Storms that come blowing in suddenly, packing hail and making the lights flicker are a bit scary.  But the power stayed on so all is good!
  • Caramel Truffle coffee tastes SO good,  I really enjoy flavored coffee!
  • I love this house!  Still kind of adjusting after 2.5 months but it is the coolest place and I love living in it! It is so big and spread out giving us each the needed  solitude but still having each other so nice and close.
  • Grilled hamburgers are SO yummy!  Add folks you love  around your table and they are a feast fit for a king!  Well a bunch of princesses at least.
  • Crisp, clean sheets to  change on the bed, I just love it!
  • Church festivals with warm beer and poker tables, gotta love  ’em!
  • Puppies and kittens are so fun to watch interacting, especially when they do not know they are not supposed to like each other.
  • Unexpectedly bumping into my youngest brother when dropping off lunch to my dad is a very good  thing (even if he is sweaty and stinks from working outside).
  • A nice deck with the woods as our back drop is so wonderfully relaxing,  heat  and humidity just don’t seem to matter when sitting out there.
  • Texts from old friends,  favorite  drinking buddies! I LOVE YOU GUYS
  • Saturday night  wine at the Diva  Den, always something to look forward too!
  • I LOVE WEEKENDS!!!

HELP WANTED: Clone

This was one of those days when I would have loved to be able to clone myself.   The weekend was outstanding and I slept in both days.   Diva Mom went to visit  her sister for the weekend, Divas Sarah and Jeanne went to see a movie Friday, and that left Diva Boo and me home alone.  We felt like teenagers left at home while our parents were away.  And we did NOTHING but enjoy time together. Saturday we slept in before tackling the household chores.  The palace needed a royal cleaning and while that was going on we had laundry in the works.  Top to bottom until it shined, Cinderella has nothing on this group!

In the process of cleaning we put away a few things that were still in need of a home, made a few adjustments and additions to Diva Sarah’s room, and then decided to hang the dozen or so prints and photos that have been waiting for us to find some time.  The house looked pretty spiffy if you ask me.  That night we enjoyed Barefoot White Zin wine and some beer, but it just wasn’t the same without Diva Mom here  with us.

Sunday was the 4th of July and we had family coming over in the form of siblings, aunts and uncles.  It was hot and muggy outside but that didn’t keep us from playing Cornhole (Baggo in some parts of the country).  The 3, 5yo girls were bored so we pulled out the sidewalk chalk and the neighbor’s driveway became their canvas.  Once everyone left we Divas sat  outside watching fireworks.  I finally went off to bed, better late than never, because unlike the rest of the family, I had to work today.  That just stunk.

I woke up in the night sweating despite the central air conditioning and was dizzy.  90 degrees yesterday and did  I even think about water? Nope,  it was a cookout, I had beer like any other red blooded, German, west side resident.  I was dehydrated.  I wandered down to the kitchen in the dark  for water, gulped down 24 ounces then went back to bed.  Sleep was a long way off as Pixel kitten thought that it was time to pounce on mommy’s head.  Finally we both did go to sleep, her curled up against my back so tight I nearly rolled on her when the alarm clock went off.

I don’t play Farmville on Facebook anymore, I live it in the kitchen with cleaning out the food bowl, feeding and watering the cats (and the periodic time share Yorkie I keep for my daughter).  I started coffee, showered and went to work.  THAT was weird.  It felt like I had gotten up on a Sunday by mistake, there were NO cars on the road this morning at what would be rush hour.  Mine was the only car in the office complex most of the day.  My Divas enjoyed the holiday,  along with the courts,  postal service, banks and many retailers.  I was SO jealous of all those folks  home sleeping while I was opening the office for what turned out to be a productive day.  The  drive home without any traffic was  rather nice too, though I still would have preferred to be off  with my family. Ah well, I am thankful  that I have a job and really don’t mean to sound like I am complaining.

HELP WANTED

Seeking full time female clone

Qualifications:

Experience in all facets of office management
Ability to manage others
Knowledge of printers, copiers and fax machines a must
Good filing skills
Excellent customer service skills
Maid skills including but not limited to: laundry, cooking, cleaning
On call mom to 26yo male and 20yo female not living at home
Surrogate aunt to 20yo and 16yo females
Stand in sister and daughter as needed
Must love cats
Must enjoy working holidays while original version parties like a rock star
Willing to work 8am – 5pm Monday through Friday while original is home sleeping in, eating bon bons and doing NOTHING!

Dear Grandpa

Dear Grandpa,

It is July 4th, which means a day of family, something I know you always enjoyed so much.  I can hardly believe you have been gone almost 14 years now, it seems like just yesterday you called on my birthday.  I know you loved holidays because 4 generations of the family would come together and celebrate.  We are carrying on the tradition now that you and grandma are gone, but it just isn’t the same.

I miss you asking about my kids, how  they were doing and marveling at their progress.  You’d be so proud, Mike did master the Highland bagpipes shortly after you left us, and made it on to the sheriff’s department.  His  career is 8 years long already, and you’d beam I’m certain as much as I do when he is in uniform.  And I  know you’d pray every day for his safety as much as I do too.  Liesl’s love of animals  has taken her on to college and into the Veterinarian Tech. program, kind of vet nurses.  She loves her job at the animal  clinic and is  on the dean’s list every term.

The day we buried you I had determined to be so strong…then in the back of church Liesl looked up at me, deaths reality finally hitting her 6 year old mind and she said, “mommy, he is never coming back again is he?” through her tears.  Flood gates open,  so much for staying strong. I so wished Michael had been ready to play the pipes then.  He played them at Grandma’s though, the first great grandchild escorting her out of the church,  I  know you would have approved.

On Christmas Eve I miss you in the Santa hat, handing out gifts to the many gathered together to celebrate.  We still gather but again, it just doesn’t feel quite the same without you there.

I think the thing I miss most is you sharing your knowledge and encouraging me to be the best person I can be in spite of my circumstances.  I taught my kids the things you taught me, like if you don’t have anything nice to say it isn’t necessary to say anything at all.  I  have no idea if it is where you first heard it, but after seeing it in the movie, Bambi,  I started  calling it the Thumper rule.  I also taught them not to judge others and to always give the benefit of the doubt.  I always knew I could come to you with any problem I was having and you’d have advice and wisdom to share that  when pondered would help.

I am SO missing you right now, and wish so much I could have just 10 minutes with you again to ask  for your knowledge.  My heart is in so many pieces and while I do have mostly great days and focus on the silver lining in the storm clouds currently swirling in my life, there are just those times when I wonder, “what would Fred say?” and  I try to imagine.  I sometimes go to the cemetery and just sit by your stone and talk to you, wishing you could hear and answer.  I know I will get through this, I am your granddaughter and my mother’s daughter, it is what we do.  I just wish so much you were here  to talk too.  Oh and I know you’d get a huge kick out of the Diva Den/Princess Palace and completely give your blessing to us women in the family pulling together to take care of each other this way.

I will always be thankful for the special relationship that we had because I was the first grandchild and we shared a birthday.  I will always be thankful you were here with us for so long, in sound mind and body until the end, that my children had the rare blessing of knowing their great-grandparents.  We’re back to 3 generations on holidays, but soon enough one of the great-grandkids will have children of their own and I know from somewhere up above you’ll lean over to Grandma and say “look what we started”.

I never thought it could still hurt so much after so long, and yet here I am in tears again that you are gone.

I miss you, Grandpa.


*photo credit: Salvatore Vuono – Freedigitalphotos.net

**This blog was inspired by writing prompt #31 from Mama Kat**

Friday Fragments

This is one of those blogs that will be filled with seemingly random, short thoughts I’m having tonight.  Nothing spectacular just this and that.

I love Fridays, nothing beats a productive week at the office.  I placed 180+ follow up calls to potential customers this week, scheduled jobs of all sorts for my sub contractors and did a few dozen follow up letters.  There are countless other administrative duties to go with being production manager, all of which I actually enjoy.  And come Friday I feel I’ve earned the 2 days off to relax.  I enjoy the job and really enjoy my boss too. He isn’t in often but we are constantly in touch either on texts or the phone between his appointments.  We seem to have a good working relationship and chemistry which helps a lot!

My baby tried again to keep me from leaving for work this morning, this time by sitting on my stuff on my bed and looking up at me all adorable like and meowing.  It failed but I do have to admit it was very cute!

Pixel trying to keep me at home this morning

One of the coolest part about living with my mom, sis and nieces is the bonding that is taking place between me and my baby sister (who likely just cringed because she is 40 years old and probably not happy about being called the baby sister).  With 6.5 years between us we weren’t real close when she was growing up.  Our interests were very different and it wasn’t until we were both adults with babies on the way at the same time that we really started to flesh out some sort of sisterly relationship.   Texting, emails, and IMs helped us to keep that going over the years since and I’m thankful for those technical helps.  While we have had our rough spots over the years I’ve always admired her.  She got through college to be a nurse while a single mom of one.  Then went back to school to get her masters in finance while single mom to 2 teenage girls.  She worked her tail off and is the only one of us to finish college and I’m very proud of her for that, it is no small accomplishment.  Like anyone she has a slate of mistakes in life and skeletons in her closet though like me she tends to just leave those on the couch in full view rather than hide them.  We  both prefer to skip the trip around the bush and just be direct with people about who we are, it works better.   She has been one of my cheerleaders in life and that has always been a huge help.  She is one of the most generous souls around, always doing sweet things for others to encourage them or make their day, often spending money she really doesn’t have because she is so giving and wants those she cares about to be happy.  Her heart is many times bigger than most and far exceeds her bank account but she cannot help it, she is other oriented to a fault and I’d far rather that be the case than the opposite.  She is passionate about those things she stands for and very protective over her family.  Don’t cross one of us or you’ve crossed her too.  And never mess with her daughters, talk about a bear protecting her cubs, she’ll shred you.  She and I have a blast doing things together now and I love it, we’re close again and that is the best part of my current living arrangement. I love my sister!

The other great part is being able to share more of my life with my mom.  We’re all close to our mom in this family, and I know I talked to mom daily either by phone or text for years.  But living with her rocks.  My mom is a pretty hip lady and open minded.  She is much more tech savvy than she realizes.  Few folks in her age range will mess with a computer, and yet she is very into her PC and she can text on her cell and keep up with most anyone doing it.  Mom goes out of her way for others often and she too is fiercely protective over those she loves.  I wouldn’t piss her off she’ll become your worst nightmare.  Accepting that she won’t be around forever is hard, so I’m blessed to be able to share a home with her and enjoy times with her.  I loved last Friday when we had dinner out together then went shopping.  She  is always ready to give advice if we ask but she rarely gives it unsolicited, she  respects each of us as individuals and  doesn’t interfere with what we do in our lives.  The older I get the smarter she gets! I love my mom!

I saw a Tweet about the library summer reading program the other day and checked it out.  Not sure when they started including all age groups but now, no matter your age, they are encouraging folks to read!  Not hard to do for me I LOVE to read.  I am not into heavy books, I like novels, biographies and such but nothing too deep.  I suggested the entire Diva Den should sign up and everyone is on board!  I’m not a big TV watcher for the most part, so this should be easy.  If you are interested the link is:  http://cincinnatilibrary.org/news/2010/summerreadingkickoff.html .  I thank mom for encouraging us to develop a love for reading!   I remember spending summers on the front porch curled up in a chair with a good book for days at a time.  My son is a reader like me, my daughter only if it is a book that really grabs her (Harry Potter and Twilight books are her big favorites).  I get addicted to books easily though and have to be careful or I’ll sit up all night lost in the pages.

I’ve been holding off on meeting new guys and hanging out, figuring it is more respectful to wait until the divorce is final.  I’ve recently decided that I need to ease into it now.  I have had several guys I’ve known for a while ask me to go out for dinner or drinks and I keep saying no.  Maybe it is time to venture out a bit now and not worry about the divorce being final.  There won’t be a rebound guy, my heart will NOT be involved.  I am simply going to seek out some friends to do things with and benefits with a select few won’t be ruled out.  Don’t be shocked, I’m 47 years old and have needs and way beyond the stage in life of no kissing on the first date.

I am going to start a detailed bucket list.  I saw the movie The Bucket List and LOVED it.  It is worth the time to watch.  My thought is why wait until I’m ‘dying’ to get around to it?  Since the objective is things I want to do before I die I prefer to get a head start on it all, why not do and enjoy the listed things now while I’m healthy and can do things much  more  easily than I will when older or not well.  When that is a bit more detailed I will post it, maybe some of my readers can help me accomplish some of the items.

Well it is late and I am tired.  My little Pixel already is crashed in her bed sleeping, she played hard tonight and the little baby is just too tired. She fell asleep sitting on the steps, and now she is curled up in her bed under my t-shirt.  She climbed up the side of my bed looking for a place to sleep but  it isn’t turned down yet so she crashed in her own bed.  I’m hoping she lets me sleep a bit more tonight, it’s like having a human baby the way she wakes up and needs  food then her litter box.

Everyone have a wonderful weekend!

One tuckered out kitten