Monday Memos – OOPS My Bad

Monday MemosDear Self,

Perhaps you need to take a deep breath in and RELAX!  You obviously lost your sense of humor gene somewhere.  He was kidding, but you know on texts it IS hard to tell.  But it’s all okay now and gosh he really DOES seem like a nice guy.  Time will tell.  Meanwhile, ease up on the poor guy and calm down some.

Really girlfriend, what would make you even give someone the time of day who was critical of everything you like?

  • Your community
  • Your hobbies
  • Your favorite TV shows
  • Your job preferences
  • Your nickname
  • Your faith
  • Your faith practices like tithing & abstaining from sex outside of marriage
  • Your sleeping habits
  • Pretty much everything about you they learned.

Were you really shocked that someone like that would tell you that THEIR goal for you was to shed 35 pounds and be bikini ready 7 months from now? Oh and change your hair back to blond.

If said person, we shall refer to this one as The Badge,  was really intrigued with you, as stated, then they would not wish to change anything, but rather would be drawn to know more about you, what makes you tick, who you are, but not try to change you.  Then they aren’t intrigued, they are controlling, manipulative assholes and you don’t need another one of those in your life. Ever. Again.


1. to arouse the curiosity or interest of by unusual, new, or otherwise fascinating or compelling qualities; appeal strongly to; captivate

That doesn’t say anything about you being a menu that has substitutions available or made to order Barbie Doll.

And to think I thought firefighters born under the sign of Aquarius were the worst of the swine.

THIS is why I don’t date anymore.


Your Inner Goddess


Dear Self,

Excellent choice of therapy, going and watching the planes land for a bit, then a ride on the ferry.  The Happy Meal was pretty cool too.  Next time stop and buy bubbles and we can go talk to Fred while we blow bubbles in the cemetery.


Your Inner Child


Dear Self,

You’re still f*cking perfect, you just need to take a step back from the edge of the cliff.  Sir Lancelot used to tell you that often, he is right.  Hey, Badge, I’m sorry, and glad we talked it all out Tuesday night into the wee hours of Wednesday morning.  Duct tape to the mouth and hands probably would be a good idea.  NO not for that!  Mind out of gutter!  It’s to keep me from running my mouth until I get the whole story, and to tape my hands to the desk so I don’t go off on the keyboard for at least 24 hours.  Told you that you were in for a wild ride.

Remember, there have been some good guys among the dirt bags.  Super Hero told you not to lose weight, he liked your curves and didn’t want a stick.  He liked you just the way you were.  Teddy Bear as well, thinks you are pretty special.  The Biker went as far as to call your curvy self exquisite.  There are others out there who would love you just as you are and it is definitely The Badge’s loss. So don’t let your self esteem take a hit over this, remove the negativity from your social media and move on.  You’re f*cking perfect, don’t forget it.


Your Inner Amazing, Marvelous Self


Dear Badge,

Take a hike, you are not even close to worthy of me across the river, let’s have a beer.  🙂


The Marvelous One



Why YOU Could, And SHOULD Try This

kissI’ve become a bit of a direct sales junkie the past few years.  All told I have signed up to be a representative/consultant with 7 different ones.

Working for myself, from my house, is a dream.  I think at one time or another we have all shared this dream, haven’t we?  Making money while in our jammies, sipping coffee at our kitchen table while it snows and our feet are snug in our bunny slippers.  So, I tried a number of these avenues in the hope of getting out of the 9-5 office job and it’s politics (and trust me even in a tiny company you will have office politics) and working to make someone else rich.  I wanted flexibility and FREEDOM.

The trouble with most direct sales companies is that the start-up cost.  I understand that they are sending you product for displaying and sampling, business tools etc in your ‘kit’ and providing you a website to sell from.  For that reason they charge an arm or a leg (or both in some cases) to get started.  To some degree I think this cost also comes from the mind-set that if you invest your money in that kit you are move likely to work that business.

Now, be honest with me, if you have signed up and paid out $100-$500 for a kit, how many of those kits are still sitting on a shelf, behind the arm-chair in the corner of the living room, or are in the garage?  Me too.  OH I take out the product, use it and make a decision if it is a worthy product but then I don’t do a darn thing with it.

Okay honesty check here, I DID do something with 2 companies.  The one I joined for free, the Jewelry In Candles business (that one is no longer free), and the one I paid $10 to join, Avon.  And that $10 investment (it is now $15 to join) now makes me just enough to pay for my car each month.  That is changing fast as I’m out of a job and working hard to build it up, adding 3 new team members just yesterday in fact.

So what is it about Avon that made me stick around and actually work it?  For starters Avon has been in business for 128 years, so I have some faith in it.  I also LOVE the skin care products and use them daily.  I have a jewelry box full of Avon jewelry that I wear, and even shoes and some clothes.  Avon has a 100% satisfaction, money back guarantee and returns are pretty simple when a customer doesn’t like something, or I don’t.  We do not stock inventory, and in fact are discouraged from doing so.  We don’t order anything unless it is for personal use or someone’s order so there is no getting saddled with a bunch of stuff we won’t sell.  We are not required to order a minimum amount monthly to stay in business.  If you want to make money, you have to place an order.  If you don’t order for a period of time, you will go inactive.  So no commitment for some auto-ship stuff just to stay in business.

We also do not do parties, it is not a party plan business.  If a representative wants to do a party, there is a plan in place to use but it is not our business model.  Mom and I started girls night out style events so we can allow our customers some social time for an hour and the ability to play with the products as we get them ahead of time when new things are released.   But again, it is something we opt to do and is more about the social and fun than selling.  Kind of a customer appreciation time out from their busy lives.

Finding customers doesn’t require extra time away from life.  Avon is worked into daily life.  If I am at the store, while in line, I ask the women around me if anyone would like a brochure and I hand them out of the supply that is ever present in my purse.  If I go to the park with the grand kids I will do the same to the moms hanging out at the play ground.  If I am feeling up to some exercise then I don’t just walk, but I pull a grocery cart (those ones old ladies pull to the store when they walk) with brochures and I walk up and down hanging the books on folks doors.  I get my walk in, plenty of stair climbing, and my “store” is out there.  I am amazed at the number of customers I get when I do these simple things and often times recruits who also want to earn some money.

Earning money…how much?  Well with Avon the commission is 20-50%.  This is based on your sales.  If you sold $300, your commission is 35%, so you would earn $105 of that order.  $300 is not difficult to accomplish.  There are incentive trips, contests, even a car allowance when you reach a particular level (Avon doesn’t pick the car for you, or the color, or lease it, you get the money and you figure out if you are buying it, what you wish to purchase/lease and your color), free products, etc.  Our websites allow customers from all over the USA to purchase products from us and have them in a few short days, so our “store” is always open online.  That website, unlike many direct sales companies, is free for Avon representatives.  We pay for our business supplies, like brochures (very inexpensive), samples etc. and for shipping.  Our tools for running our businesses are super affordable, making this the least expensive direct sales business to operate.

So what held me back before?  My ‘WHY’ wasn’t big enough I suppose.  But now, as this is my only income, I’m kicking tail.  I achieved President’s Recognition Club, which means for the rest of this year and all of next year my earnings are at least 40%.  I’m not far from making Honor Society, which brings a host of other rewards with it.  I now have the freedom to put full time hours into this business and work it as just that, a business, rather than a hobby.  My earning potential scares me!

What about you?  What would you do with $300 more a month in your budget?  If you earned it and saved it you would have $1,200 to use for Christmas shopping over the next 4 months.  You could seriously earn a lot more than that if you opted to work it like a job.  There are Avon reps who I personally know, making 6 figure incomes.  I will be one of them, mark my words.

I’m always looking to grow my team, and if you are seriously looking for a way to stay home and make money, with a solid company who has been around a LONG time, maybe you should consider how spending just $15 could change your life.  I would love to have you on my team and will help you (Skype, Email, phone calls not to mention tons of online training that is FREE).  Just go to and use the reference code:  martigardner  to sign up.  It is $15 even online, and no shipping cost.  Your kit, with brochures for 2 campaigns, 2 full size products (valued more than $15!), initial training books and samples, will arrive in about a week.  Meanwhile, once you are signed up we can get your online store set up and you could be making money now.

Why not you?  Why not today?

10653812_565235860255039_8051959920903757452_nNot up for a business but love the products? I would love to be YOUR Avon Lady!  And right now, you can get 20% off of your order of $50 or more with the code:  TRIPLEPLAY2  when you order on my site, before midnight 9/21/14.

Okay back to your regularly scheduled blogs.



Living And Loving Plan B

Recently, while browsing the hospital gift shop, my sister found this birthday card that had a piece in it called, “Life Is All About How You Handle Plan B”, by Suzy Toronto.  We both loved it.  Next to the cards we discovered calenders for 2013 with a different piece for each month, like “Never Under Estimate The Power Of A Hissy Fit”.  We both bought one of the calenders, we plan to frame each piece because they are fantastic.  We also plan to read the book, The Sacred Sisterhood Of Wonderful Wacky Women”.

The piece is too good not to share:

Life is All About How you Handle Plan B
Plan A is always my first choice.
You know, the one where
Everything works out to be
Happily ever-after.
But more often than not,
I find myself dealing with
The upside-down, inside-out version —
Where nothing goes as it should.
It’s at this point that the real
Test of my character comes in..
Do I sink, or do I swim?
Do I wallow in self pity and play the victim,
Or simply shift gears
And make the best of the situation?
The choice is all mine…
Life is all about how you handle Plan B.

It got me thinking about my life and how pretty much it is a series of plan B.  And we never planned for Plan B, it comes with it’s own charted and uncharted waters.

Plan A was just get through high school and stay under the radar. Plan B, I ended up pregnant and gave the  baby up for adoption.

Plan A, I got married with Cinderella dreams and it ended in divorce a few years later and Plan B was I found myself a single mom.

Plan A, I got married again, this time with somewhat more realistic dreams to the man I called my Hero, but later found out I spent 22 years married to a man who had never wanted to marry me in the first place (his words not mine) and the  last few years living what I felt were our best years, while listening to him daily lie to me about his love for me.  Plan B became single again in my late 40’s and a sincere lack of trust for much of anything that any man will now tell me as far as how he feels about me.  To say my views of the male side of the species is jaded would be spot on.

I could delve into a lot of other examples but those are the primary ones that come to mind.  It sucks when Plan B pops up, at least initially. However, if life is all about how you handle Plan B…well honestly over all I think I’ve done well.  Oh I didn’t always just accept it with arms open wide, and sometimes fought against it a bit, but eventually I came to realize that Plan B can have a lot more to offer.

When the current Plan B first began, I spent some time wallowing in self pity and honestly I don’t feel I played the victim, I WAS the victim.  And I jumped into far too many relationships really fast looking for a balm for my wounded heart.   But I started to embrace being single and now I see the benefits.  Trouble was then along came the Biker and now I am stuck at a fork in the road with entirely too many paths to choose from.  And I’m not sure that I’m ready to ever again be Mrs. __________ (fill in last name of whichever man is vying for my hand).

I’m currently living the Plan B dream of sorts.  No, not making the kind of money I WILL be making (trust me I will). But I’m working for myself.  I get up when I feel like it, go to bed when I want too.  I have FREEDOM.  I dyed my spiky locks auburn for a while, now they are bleach, skanky blond.  I am saving for some new tattoos (having ink envy big time looking at my daughter’s gorgeous, latest tattoo that wraps around her body).  If I want to walk around in the morning with bed-head, scratching my butt, farting and then pee in the shower, I have no one to worry about offending with the unladylike behavior.   I’m finding it difficult to nurture a relationship along when I am the only person I really feel the desire to nurture.  I’ve been told I’m selfish and self centered for  my “life is all about ME” attitude right now, and for not being able to give my whole heart to another, because I am still mourning the loss of the man who truly was my Hero.  Well then I suppose I can carry that label too.  Because right now, that is Plan B – ME!

I’m re-examining my faith and getting back into my Bible study and finding a church home.  Not one I can go to with someone else as a couple.  Some where to go ALONE.  I don’t want to be “Marti & _____” when I go there.

I am building my business and have taken on another that has even greater earning potential to have me sitting very comfy in a short time financially.  Those take up a lot of time right now and I LOVE what I am doing.

I want to be free to enjoy the friendship I have with several male buddies.  Not booty buddies, they are FRIENDS.  One is a former lover (Mr. Wonderful) but our friendship stayed very much intact and his wisdom offers a sweet balance to my ADD and OCD ways at times.  I want that freedom to go enjoy a drink and help him mend his relationships, share about my faith walk etc. with him.  But that causes waves in my relationship with the Biker.

Marriage is off the table with the Biker and every other man, and not sure it will ever be served as an option again.  Marriage  honestly isn’t a side dish I want with my meal of life with any man at this point.  I’m not at a place where I want to deal with “why haven’t I heard from you yet today” when I wake up and don’t text a good morning until it is now “good afternoon”.  I don’t want to cause waves in the relationship ocean because I went and saw a movie, or checked out a band, or had a drink with an old male friend who I may or may not have slept with at some dot on my timeline of life.  I’m just not happy being tied down, my spirit wants to soar the skies right now.

I’m not seeking other options or wanting to keep my options open.  The only option I want is to explore Plan B MY way, in MY time, on MY terms.  I get that it is not what the man in my life wants right now, but we are not at the same place with wanting a relationship.  And if that is selfish, so be it. Then I guess I am self centered.  When one is independently owned and operated, it IS all about ME!

#31 ~ 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks

Mood Swings


Mood swings…they suck

You never see it coming, then suddenly “BAAM” you get your head bit off.

Or your significant other is in the kitchen banging stuff around pissed off (do people do that when when are happy? NO!).

You ask, “What’s wrong?”

Them:  “NOTHING”

Yeah whatever dorfwad.

Being single means only dealing with your own moodiness.

(and believe me MEN do have mood swings!)

The Dating Diaries ~ OMG WTF FML

Seriously, can the earth just open up and swallow me now? Please?

Call me insane, but I do put SOME stock into astrology.  I am my sign darn near to the letter.  And everyone I have ever gotten to know well is their sign as well.  I know, my bible believing friends, God’s Word is crystal clear about trusting in the stars.  However I do believe in His unending wisdom that those born at various times of the year will have certain base characteristics.  After all, names in scripture carried meanings and were given for reasons similar, characteristics.  I think the point was not to trust the stars over Him.

Anyway, back to signs.  I also know that there are signs that have varying degrees of compatibility.  I’ve checked into mine and every failed relationship I have had, seems the men fell into one of the 3 signs that I have zero compatibility with, big ZERO.  And I looked after the fact.

Taurus Horoscope Zodiac Information, Compatibility and Insight at Twittascope | Powered by

If you are curious how you measure up when  paired with me, click that link above.  It should be noted, Aquarius, Scorpio and Leo do NOT have any stars, we are simply not compatible.  It is interesting to note that ex-husband is a dyed in the wool Aquarius.  The most recent relationship? Yep Aquarius.  Both are also firefighters.  Coincidence? I hardly think so!!

My one profile mentions that while I am a Bengal fan, Browns and Ravens fans would be given consideration but Steelers fans better walk on water before I will date them.  Just kidding of course…sort of.

My goal is to avoid the fire service from now on.  While I am a good match for their schedules, in that I handle alone time just fine even when I was missing my hero, I just have really bad luck with them wanting to keep me.  Don’t know why, they seem up to the challenge of taming this wild creature, but in the end they bail.  Hubby #1 was also a fire fighter.  See my point?

So, yesterday I receive an initial contact from an attractive guy, wanting to get to know me.   We started exchanging emails, and so far so good.  Seems like a nice man, his profile and mine seem well matched,  with common goals and interests.  Getting a bit of each other’s history out there, I mention that Aquarian firefighters and I are a bad mix.  He replied asking if that was a good point in the conversation to mention he happens to walk on water….sigh.


and yep, you guessed it….


*banging head on desk*


Time For Some Pruning – Part 1

**DISCLAIMER: The following has been rated PG-13 for language and subject matter**

The week ahead of me involves purging things from my life.  This is the first of several  pruning posts to come.

There comes a time every so often when we need to rethink things, evaluate where we are, sort through the good and the bad, and remove those things that just  need to go from our lives because they are cluttering it up or like weeds are strangling our growth.  I’ve been having a time of self evaluation of late, some of my posts have eluded to that, and in a recent post I remarked that I was refocusing.  It has become time to grab the virtual pruning sheers and remove some things from my life that are keeping me from growing and  moving forward, or may just be unneeded or annoying.  I also have some planting and fertilizing to do in many areas of my life.

Last night I realized just how rattled I had been throughout the process of my divorce, especially in the initial weeks and months after my world imploded around me.  I’ve known Pete 23 years last month, we married 10 months later.  SO while I knew him just under 23 years, we were married just under 22 years.  Wasn’t an intentional mistake I just miscalculated.  I admit clarity of thought in certain details was shot to hell after he told me he wanted out.  I was also off a week as to when it was told to me by my then prince charming that he wanted out.  He actually told me on Friday, January 15th.  I can confirm that because of an elaborate lie he constructed.  He created an email address for an instructor at Cincinnati State that often used his assistance for classes, then emailed our home email address to ask for assistance for the lab on 1/14.  Then he left the house dressed for class.  By the time he returned that night I had discovered it was a fake email address and he later confessed he was in a hotel, supposedly writing and crying building up to tell me he wanted out.  His eyes were not puffy or showed any signs of tears when he came home, and if you know Pete you know he doesn’t write a damn thing down.  My suspicion is he was with his 26yo ER nurse but he’d rather lie to the world than have anyone question his integrity.  Never mind the elaborate lie he concocted to get out of the house that night.  The next day he told me he wanted a divorce. Nice one.  In the following weeks when deciding how we’d divide up debts and property he told me I could continue in the swinger lifestyle and attend the swingers club, that he was leaving it all behind, he wanted to find someone that could love him, that didn’t want to share him or be shared.

NOW STOP  THE F-ING TRUCK RIGHT THERE!  I found that very interesting considering how we landed in the swinger lifestyle.  For years he shared a fantasy of wanting to watch me with others, men or women.  It bothered me a lot when he shared that, I even expressed that I couldn’t fathom how he could love and treasure me if he wanted to share me, it didn’t make sense.  I was assured over and over again that this was in his mind very hot and that I was adored and treasured.  I should have known better coming from the man that had an Adult Friend Finder account when I was in night school and was meeting other women looking for booty buddies.  But he SWEARS that he never did anything with the women he met (yeah and my mother is the Virgin Mary).  I should have divorced his sorry ass back then, but we were so active in our church and I had been taught forgiveness…and I loved him despite his faults so I stuck it out.  DUMB DUMB DUMB move.

I found some areas in the swinger lifestyle that worked for me, I loved planning events and I very much loved promoting them, and others events.  Promotion I am very good at, I fit into marketing things very well.  But the playing side,  it never was quite my thing.  I never really found any men or women to be anyone that I wanted to play with, and this was source of tension for me and hubby.  See, most couples in the lifestyle are ‘full swap’ and only play with other couples.  And I’ll be totally honest that a good portion of men in the lifestyle married up…way up.  Their wives were hot but them…not so much.  The lifestyle is ruled by the woman, if they don’t like someone, it simply isn’t going to happen.  Because so many would only play with couples, many women hubby wanted to be playing with were off limits to him because I wasn’t going to play with their spouses.  I tried that, taking one for the team, and it wasn’t really a good experience.  I refused to do it again so since the women he wanted had hubbies I did not want, it didn’t work out well.  I  loaned him out to couples looking for 3-ways but that was the best I could do.  All told in our many years and meeting hundreds of people, there were no men that did anything for me.  I really was not that into the play end.  Pete on the other hand never had a problem, if she was reasonably cute and flirty, he was there.

We began to see lifestyle friend’s marriages around us failing right and left, easily 2 dozen in the past 3 or 4 years.  That worried me and more than once I asked him if he could walk away from the lifestyle and go back to just me and him.  He indicated that he did not think so.  50% of marriages are said to end in divorce, and many would say in the lifestyle it is less. However in the same time frame I saw 2 marriages outside of the lifestyle fail.  Just 2.  I’m no longer convinced that divorce happens less within the lifestyle.   And I find it interesting that the one of us that spent years sharing that fantasy and then telling me how much he enjoyed it watching me and playing, and he couldn’t see himself giving it up, suddenly decided he wanted to find someone to love him alone, be his alone and be only theirs.  He HAD that, I was more than willing, I adored him, loved him, he was everything to me and I’d have walked far away from it all had he said he wanted that.

Meanwhile I admit, there were times in very raw pain throughout the months leading up to the divorce that I lashed out and threatened to go for everything in the divorce.  I was hurting so much and wanted to inflict something on Pete.  Not real nice I know, but if you are not walking in my shoes, don’t judge it.  Those that have judged me for my behavior throughout the past 10 months, I really hope you never know what it was like, because believe me it was unimaginable agony to go through.

I went back to try the lifestyle as a single female.  After the divorce was final I went to the club again, I felt it was a respect issue to the marriage and my kids to wait until I was legally divorced. I tried it, it did NOT work for me, I wasn’t truly happy in it before and even less so as a single.

I’ve had a lot of time to think things through and I know what I want and don’t want.  I don’t want to be shared, I want to be a priceless treasure in someone’s life.  I don’t want to share what is mine when it comes to intimacy.  While I believe most men are truly pigs, there are some out there that are able to love ONE woman, be with just one woman, and not cheat on that one woman.  I am willing to wait for that, and if I never find it, at least I won’t feel like a used piece of meat.

So yes, that means I am leaving the lifestyle behind me.  I’ve been out now for a bit, but wanted to make it official.  My profiles are empty and those sites willing too have deleted them entirely.  I won’t be back.   I had fun, made some great friends, and I believe also that it did in fact blur the lines and MAY have been a small, contributing factor to my marriage failing after Pete’s expressed desire to find someone that was just his.

Applications No Longer Being Accepted

~*~  ~*~  ~*~

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
~ Marilyn Monroe

~*~  ~*~  ~*~

I LOVE that particular quote, it is very much how I feel.  I am selfish, my life is all about me and the world I move in revolves around me.  I am definitely impatient, when I want something I want it NOW.  And insecure? Sure, I think everyone is insecure.  While I am very comfortable in my own skin and with who I am, there are days I lack confidence in my own abilities.  Mistakes – oh boy do I make some doozies, left to my own devices I can chalk up some gold medal winners single handedly.  Out of control is another given, I have a temper and I have been known to throw a class ‘A’ temper tantrum though I have ceased the really bad ones (thanks Lexapro).  I still get kinda out of control when having fun and rarely stop to think or care what anyone else thinks of me in a given situation, I act for me and me alone.  SO those things make me a bit hard to handle for some (like Lord Voldemort/ex-husband).

At my best I am a very loving person.  I am very loyal to those that I love and often forgiving of their short comings to a fault.  I never trash my man to anyone and therefore often had trouble relating to other wives during ‘hen club’ sessions.  I never spoke negatively about my hubby, though believe me he has his share of faults, some glaring.  I am very protective of those I love.  I am simple and easy to please, very affectionate and I enjoy intimacy (yes I LOVE sex – there I said it). I’ve blogged in the past about why I think I’m over all a pretty cool chick to know.

BUT if you want all the good that I am, and believe me there is a lot of good in this perfectly imperfect woman, then you have to be willing to accept the bad along with it.  I no longer make any apologies for who and what I am, what you see is what you get and if you don’t like it fine, move along because you are holding up the line for those that want the total package.

I recently posted a blog about searching for friends with benefits, Qualifications For A Frog Prince With Benefits and stated that applications were being accepted.  Well that application process has now been closed, I am no longer accepting applications for this position.  The response was flattering, to say the very least, lots of interesting pigs men wanted to be considered (don’t take offense, remember, the ex is the one that told me all men are pigs, before he showed me he is their king).  I’ve seen quite a number of these swine gents and given a few a serious test drive.  I really cannot say I found fault in any of those as far as the benefits side of things is concerned. Ya’ll are rocking oinkers!  However, for now the position has been nicely filled.

Amongst the number of hogs and wild boars many fine fellas that I’ve met, one from the past emerged.  He was an online friend, and a few times in person hug and hello.  He was unaware of any application process currently taking place, I more or less sought him out.  I was on my way to the office one Saturday and spotted a guy on a motorcycle that reminded me of this one.  I had kept his number over the years, though I’ll be damned if I know why, just a ‘feeling’ I should not erase that one when I did my periodic clean up of my phone contacts.  I first did what every cyber crack addict does, and got online and tried to find him on Facebook, Myspace, Twitter and through old email addresses.  When that didn’t work I decided to just call him.  My hesitation in this was I didn’t know if he was currently involved with anyone and I did not wish to create any drama in his life.  However it was my last remaining option so I called and left a message on his voice mail. Within minutes he phoned me back, launching us into an interview process ‘get to know you’ cycle with Mr. Hot 50+ (now known as Mr. Twisted Steel And Sex Appeal – which he TOTALLY is!).

I’ve been privileged to be the fender fluff on his bike a few times of late, and recently the passenger in his really sweet and sexy Corvette.  We’ve exchanged emails, many phone calls, and spent time together both for and without the benefits.  He is all twisted steel and sex appeal, nice hard muscles, wrestles, musician, and scores tops on the benefits charts.  He expressed that he had no interest in the ‘lifestyle’ I participate in, as he is not one that likes to “share”, but he would never ask me to stop doing something I enjoy, and he didn’t feel he has the right too, he simply did not care to know anything about what I did apart from him.   I admit, when I thought about somethings he said, I am not all that keen on sharing him at this point either.  For now I want to get to know him, spend time with him, and enjoy this friendship cupcake that is so generously iced.  No, not in a commitment sort of arrangement, this friendship is far from that if it ever ends up there. We’ve both been burned badly by the fires of emotions and both overly cautious about entering that inferno again.  I’d say the best way to put it is we’re both only interested in one dessert selection off of the cart for the moment.  So for now, just really not interested in gluttony when it comes to the FWB (one great one is more than enough), I’m going to enjoy this special friendship and the fringes that go with it.  I’ll still enjoy my guy friends just not the physical side of those friendships.

So, for now, the “toad” I kissed recently turned out to be a gentleman in disguise and I think I will just hang out here in this pond for a while.  Life is short and I’m not passing up a good thing.  If we get bored with each other, I’ll hop off this lily pad and open up the application process again.

BEWARE: U.M.S. – Approach With Caution

For those unfamiliar with the acronym, UMS = Ugly Mood Syndrome.  It is like PMS, only worse.  UMS can make PMS look like a camp fire compared to an atomic bomb going off.  This is the sort of thing for which hubby claims was his reason for bailing out, the occasional, explosive side of me, the ugly monster within.  I never did believe that, my sister-in-law has no intention of ever ditching my brother, and his temper makes mine look very tame.  Ex-hubby has quite the temper himself, though lives in denial, every member of my family has seen it at one time or another.  But this isn’t about him, it is about me, the star of my own reality show.  We stripped him of his award for best supporting actor, the has been. He will never star in my show again.

Back in January I went to the doctor after Lord Voldemort yanked my foundation out from under me.  Didn’t know if I really felt I had issues, but knew that I was not steady emotionally thanks to the great vibes (heavy on the sarcasm) he was dishing my way.  Doc put me on Lexapro to help with the ensuing depression and it also helps with my anger.  Not that I don’t get angry, I still experience a full range of emotions, but the difference is I have time to process before reacting.  My sibling put it best, it is like typing on the computer and there is a slight delay, you type a few letters, and it takes a second or two for whatever reason, for the PC to catch up at times and the letters to appear on the screen.  That is life on Lexapro, being just a key stroke or two behind.  In those nano seconds common sense is able to over ride my desires to choke the living hell out of some jackass that truly has it coming.  It enables me to stop typing or close my mouth when what I really want to do is tell someone that they are nothing short of an ugly, skank whore with a perpetual bitter beer face and have the attractiveness in personality of stagnant water.

UMS doesn’t happen often, usually I’m pretty happy over all.  Just once in a while this demon within wakes and tries to over ride my sweet, adorable disposition.  99% of the time I am able to control this apparition from hell and get her back in her crypt behind bars, even without the help of the medication.  Today would be the grand exception, the single, 1% of the time when she slips past the locks, out of her cell, past the guards and emerges, taking over my mind, heart and soul.  To make it worse, she unlocked the crypt of PMS and they’ve joined forces.  There has been a major hull breach, can you say epic fail?

There may be some contributing factors, some for  which I accept full responsibility, others beyond the realm of my control.  I believe the security began to fail yesterday, when I THINK I forgot to take my meds.   I do not recall taking them at all, but it is usually such habit that I just ‘do it’ every morning (if I could just do IT every morning I’d not need meds!).  Yesterday afternoon I had this annoying little headache, and a few times had chest pains, sure signs of stress for me on a very easy going day.  It never crossed my mind I might have forgotten something, my mood stayed even.

The first real sign of failure to sedate Cruella was last evening.  I had purchased more spray-in pink hair dye while out shopping with my daughter.  She had come to dine with the Divas and brought along her little Yorkie, Penny.  I miss that sweet little pooch.  Voldemort refers to her as numb nuts, which is just stupid as she is female, hasn’t owned a set of nads and never will, so nothing to be numb.   DUH LOSER!  (so sorry, inner voice grabbed control)  I know deep down he loves the dog and HATES the pink hair.  Waahaaahaaa….Penny went home with neon pink hair on top of her little doggie head.  The fact that I had TRIED to find a way to irritate him and say “hi asshole brains” was a sure indicator that I missed my happy pill yesterday.

Act II – I know for certain I did NOT take the medication this morning.  I had not taken my water bottle to my room so I had nothing to wash the pill down with today.  This is NOT a good thing. Today, I first noticed the evil presence growing in my mind on the way to work.  Traffic just sucked ass today, and normally being stopped on the highway doesn’t phase me in the least, I just read tweets or emails on my phone.  Not today, no this morning I felt irritated, drumming my fingers on the steering wheel, not being a sweet heart and letting people merge in that knew their lane was closed because the lane has been shut down for road work for 2 weeks now.  Nope, didn’t let them in and referred to them in less than kind terms as I pretended not to see them with their little orange turn signal blinking to get over.  Fuck ’em, I thought, they have known that lane was ending for weeks now, they can sit and wait for a break in traffic.  SO not like me, usually I let them all over.  Because traffic was so horrendous today (there was a broken down vehicle in the left lane on the highway, idiot!), I was 15 minutes late for work.  I am NEVER late, always 15-30 minutes early as my personal work ethic dictates.  30 extra minutes on the flipping interstate, oh that did wonders for my mood.  Now lunch is 15 minutes shorter, so that I can make up the time because I am too honest to lie on my time sheets.

I can feel it seeping through my veins more and more as this day progresses.  I  usually can talk an irate customer back to happy land, today I had to bite my tongue to keep from telling them to go straight to hell.  I take pride in my customer service skills, today I’d like to begin piling up the bodies against the wall, screw being the nice production manager.

The #$@%^&! printer is also out of toner, and no replacement in sight.  Bossman has to come in today so he is grabbing one, thankfully.  I’m out of diet coke in the fridge, NOT good because all that is in here is Diet Mt. Dew, which I really do not care for at all.

I decided that this called for a trip to Chipotle for comfort food.  All was good until I was in the car, ready to back out of my parking spot.  Some shit-for-brains that had obviously borrowed someone’s license to drive there herself, couldn’t pick a parking spot, it was just too big of a decision for her pea size brain  to handle.  Never mind that there were only 2 to chose from, one on the right side of me and one on the left.   She seriously sat there, finger to her mouth, looking back and forth between them like she was watching a tennis match.  ARGH!!!!!!  REALLY LADY??  Morons like her are the reason I usually back into a parking place, so that when I punch it and squeal tires heading toward them to ram the shit out of them I can see the look of terror in their eyes I should take my medication daily.

Diva Mom, I know you will read this, please hide all the alcohol before I get home.  The heinous spirit within is all the more ugly when it consumes adult beverages.  It will result in a much higher body count and we’re rapidly running out of places to dispose of the cadavers.

If the rest of the world that plays supporting roles in my reality show would just read their damned scripts this could all be avoided!

WARNING TO ALL SWINE (MEN):  This would NOT be a good day to piss me off.

Wine & Cheese – 7th Serving

It is Wine & Cheese Wednesday, the day I devote a blog to whining.  Despite being a really happy, positive person, I do have things that annoy me at times.  I never let anything grate on my nerves for long but thought it would be fun to vent them periodically in my blogs.  I also feel that good things, the cheese in life, should be acknowledged as well.  I’m even going to throw in a bit of dessert, a piece of virtual chocolate, something that made me laugh or smile  just a bit more than normal.

Enjoy some wine and cheese with me!

Wine – 7th Glass

This Is The Way We Wash Our Hands!

I am by no means a germ-a-phobe but I do believe in common sense when it comes to things like using the bathroom and washing your hands.  I cannot tell you how many women I see use the facilities then run water over their finger tips before drying their  hands and exiting the bathroom.  These same ones then use the serving utensils at the salad bar in my favorite restaurants or handle  the coffee pot  in the office.  GROSS!!!  And men,  really, per studies in public restrooms across the country 50% of men did not wash their  hands (compared to 25% of women).  HELLO???? Come on guys, you actually touch that baloney pony of yours and then don’t wash your hands?  How many of you  fire  fighters do that and then go cook dinner  for the rest of the fire  house I wonder?  Or cops write a ticket and hand it off with all the germs you picked up from your dickie-do?  Ladies don’t get too  proud,  25% of our sisters are not any better and might be selling us cosmetics  at the department store counters, or pushing a grocery cart before someone else touches it after they have wiped their kitty and not washed their hands.  REALLY IS IT THAT TOUGH?? Wash your hands!!! Here are some hand washing instructions, including a video for those that are clueless about this topic.

Landscape Losers

Okay you mowing warriors, I’m really pissed off.  Anytime I have to give credit to the ex husband, he who shall not be named, Lord Voldemort, King of the Swine, it just sours my otherwise sweet disposition. (Just kidding Petey boy don’t get your teeny weeny man-kini undies  in a knot)  On my way out of the hood, I pass some pretty expensive, upscale mansion size palaces homes.  In fact several house local TV news and radio celebs.  These folks pay for a lawn service to come and care for their grass and shrubs.  I have no issue  with that, we pay for our grass to be tended as well by landscapers.  I’m fairly certain our boys are not charging near what these others are getting, and yet our lawn boys  are doing a grand job.  For starters the lines are straight, and it looks like professionals maintain our property.   I wish I could say the same for the more expensive in our area.  Today while driving out of happy land to work, I noticed shredded trash on  these palatial yards!  The bozos manning the mowers just rolled right on over disposable cups and other litter tossed by manure minded morons.  Not like it was a lot,  a cup  here,  a bag there, but SERIOUSLY?????  Does the homeowner have to pay extra for you to get off that standing blade buggy and grab the garbage  rather than you just mulching it into their grass??  I’d fire your sorry asses!  The royal ex-oinker would never dream of doing that, his customers lawns are a reflection on HIS service that they are paying for! Pick up the trash you bums!

Antlered Assassins

They’re out there, lurking on the sides of the road, well hidden in the trees and tall grasses,  waiting perfectly still until some unsuspecting motorist  comes by and then they spring into the road right in front of the vehicle.  Brakes lock up, tires squeal, rubber marks the pavement where the motor  vehicle comes to a sudden stop into the side of a deer.  While Bambi might  indeed have died, the car doesn’t usually escape unscathed.  In fact many  times it  has to be totaled from the damage caused by these creatures.  Do NOT be fooled, their beauty is masking black hearts of evil.  They are after us, out to destroy our cars.  They seek revenge for  their  4  legged  soldiers that have attacked and lost the battle to the 4 wheeled enemies we drive.  I know, my sister is on their hit  list.   The place was Stet, Missouri.  Don’t try to find it, we’re certain the United States government uses it for their witness protection program.  A 4-way stop sign with a pole barn for a fire house, gravel roads that  are numbered rather than named, it is  the boonies.  Driving to work one morning, from out of the  field next to her, a deer attacked my sister’s Honda Civic, running right into the side causing $3,000 in damage on it’s mission to take  her out, the 12-point, 220 pound buck sacrificed its life for the assault.  Some farmer  ate well for months, but she became a target of the Deer Assassination Squad.  Ever since that day she is  tracked by the hoofed animals.  Her  vehicles like magnets, drawing them to her.  Her latest encounter again she  won, but not without peeling fur off her front bumper.  Thankfully it was all the damage done, but this one was a professional, it skirted serious injury and ran off.  They are growing in number daily, spying on us (yes we had a ‘cute’ little one looking in the front window  last week), they simply must be stopped!  Hunters, load your weapons, bring me the steaks, chops and ground venison, I  have the grill and chili pot ready!

A Serving Of Cheese


They come in all shapes and sizes, some younger some older, some are related to you, others are not, but they always have your back, your best girlfriends.  I don’t know if guys have  this kind of bond  with friends, but there is nothing like  a girl’s sisters  in gender.  They wrap around ya when the going gets tough, show up with chocolate and wine, send emails and  IMs  of  encouragement, and understand ‘chicks before dicks’ – never let a guy come between you and your best girls!  I LOVE all you ladies I call mom, sisters, sister-in-laws and friends, you enrich my life, and have made one of the toughest times in my life bearable.  XOXOXO you are ALL amazing!

Medical Science

My hat is off  to all  those  that have paved the way and those today researching, working with determination to beat those diseases that  rob us of our loved ones too early in life.  As my cousin’s 23yo daughter is about to enter a fight for her life, I am awed that in a week’s time they know what she has and are preparing her to fight  it, all thanks to countless hours and dollars that daily research and discover new  ways to combat cancer, among other things.  The medical field  rocks!

Prayer Warriors

To all those that daily answer the call to hit their knees or faces, praying for those they know, and many they do not,  lifting them up and begging God to intervene on the behalf of another.  I believe in the power of prayer, and thank you all for keeping so many in your daily supplications simply because you were asked.  Thank you all SO much!


As seen on Twitter  today in a Tweet  from  @margaret_crymes: Martha Stewart: Making you feel bad about your inability to decorate with pine cones & tacky glue since August 3, 1941.