Farting In The Shower

farting-kittenBefore anyone panics, this is NOT a post about flatulence, at least not the bodily function.  It is more just an out pouring of what is rolling around in my brain of late.  Which, by the way, can be every bit as frightening to open up for a peek inside as what one will encounter after someone has farted in the shower.  Some days, equally offensive, no doubt about it.

And heck, we all know with a title like “Farting In The Shower”, more than a few of you high tailed it on over here to read this post because you simply couldn’t resist….sickos!

Did you have one of those weekends that just took it’s time going by?  I love those!  Time did NOT fly when I was having a great time and I’m so thankful for that.  I spent all day Saturday (close to 13 hours) with my friend who shall be known as the Teddy Bear.  Make no mistake, within that adorable, teddy bear exterior there is a grizzly bear.  But unless absolutely necessary, he is a gentle giant.  We met some years ago on a dating site and a friendship began.  We’ve been trying to get together but schedules were being most uncooperative until this past weekend.  But that is another post, it was too nice a time to fall in under a blog post title containing the word “Fart”.

Could someone please tell me what the fascination is with the show, “Duck Dynasty”???  I admit that I only watched about 10 minutes of one episode before scrambling for the remote.  I would have rather watched grass grow than another minute of that insanity.  Maybe I should have stayed with it?  I cannot imagine what draws anyone to it, so please, enlighten me.

*SIGH* It is only 7:13pm, too early to be sipping wine so I’ll have to stick to a cup of coffee for now.

Honey-Boo-Boos-Mother-has-a-BoyfriendSometime in the past year or so, I saw this lovely photo moving around Facebook.  At first I found it rather amusing, especially coming out of a divorce and several heart breaks since the end of the 22 year marriage to Lord Voldemort.  I had slammed on the breaks in dating and relationship land, vowing to remain single for a full year to rediscover me.  I am growing used to the idea that no one keeps me and that would tend to lead any normal person to believe that perhaps they are somehow flawed or unlovable.  Or both.  Though really, Honey Boo Boo’s mama has a boyfriend…someone is keeping her!  Granted, she is likely quite well off with all this reality show life they live so the man would be a fool to toss her aside.  Then again, he has to look at her, and be with that woman as she belches and farts on a regular basis and does disgusting things like chews food and then hangs her mouth open to give a view of it all.  I may have my flaws, but holy mother of all things real, I’m not that bad!

As if that isn’t enough, today on the commute home, I’m listening to the radio and it is the entertainment news update.  The headlines: Honey Boo Boo’s mama and her boyfriend, Sugar Bear, who also happens to be Boo Boo’s baby daddy, GOT MARRIED!   In a wedding complete with a camo wedding gown.  Someone please tell me that he married her for the money, that she is his sugar mama.

923163_10200263105398770_1205204837_nI’m seriously a bit concerned here.  Just this weekend I was told I am: sexy, cute as a button, fun, intelligent.  And yet I remain single while Honey Boo Boo’s mother is M-A-R-R-I-E-D.  Has the world gone off it’s rails entirely????

I can deal with the whole turning 50 in less than 2 weeks, even embracing it to be honest.

I am comfy with the fact that I now view life through bifocal glasses, and that if I get contacts again, for distance, I will need to purchase readers or wear bifocal contacts.

I was even able to find the humor in receiving a temporary AARP card and application in the mail.

What I am struggling with is the idea that me, the woman who loved her husband with every cell of my being, with every part of my heart, that adored the man, still got excited at his touch and butterflies in my stomach when he came home, who is certainly far from ugly or disgusting, yet is adored by men then tossed aside once they have my heart (which by the way is never easily given),  is single and seemingly destined to be a crazy cat lady!  I did not sign up for this, could someone kindly show me where the customer service desk is, I’d like a refund!

935647_512630128785121_734655800_nOR maybe, just maybe, the problem is not me?

Maybe I am really the amazing woman I was told that I am by all those men who have since walked away, and it is simply that they cannot handle (read: control) me because I am anything but easy?  And therefore, in reality, they were not at all worth it?

Hmmm….I think NOW it is time for that glass of wine.

Advertisements

The Landscape Of 2013

375254_588441514504373_587190092_nWhen I first told my mom I was getting a divorce, back in February 2010, she looked at me and said, “you think the world is ending now, but trust me, a year from now the landscape of your life is going to be so different than it is at this moment.”  It was hard to believe that anything could be different than what I felt at that time, the pain and depression, and that it would be better than I was able at that time to imagine, but I kept those words in my heart and mind as I drifted mindlessly through the process.

The thing about mom is she is right about 99.9% of the time.  And wouldn’t you know it, one year out, January of 2011, my life was indeed very different.  My first Christmas as a divorcee was past me, and my first New Year’s Eve.  I not only survived it, but wow what an amazing holiday season it had been.  No longer married to Ebenezer Scrooge, I  found so much joy again in the season and relished the memories I made through that year.  I had moved in with my mom, sister and 2 nieces.  We had 2500 square feet of new home to enjoy and I discovered that despite the many differences (and similarities) in our personalities, and the nay-sayers that said it would never work, it rocked.  We laughed a lot around here. Daily in fact and we still do.  I can still count on one hand, though admittedly only about one digit is left to spare, the number of times I’ve gotten into a heated argument or confrontation with any of my housemates.  In that time I discovered it wasn’t me that had the ugly attitude and temper for 22 years.

As 2012 is coming to a close, and January looms over the hill in less than 24 hours, I realized that it will be 3 years now since that day when the ex told me he wanted out of my life.  The day my world changed forever and life became known as “before the announcement/after the announcement”.  And again this year the landscape of my life has changed very much.

So, what things changed, what did I learn in 2012?  That is really what this is post is all about.

CHANGES IN THE LANDSCAPE

*My son married on St. Patty’s Day and I gained a daughter-in-law and granddaughter (my first grandchild).

*My first grandson was born the day after Christmas, to my son and his wife, making me a grandma twice over.

*My younger brother (the older of the two brothers) married the woman I believe is the love of his life, on 12/30/12, in a flash wedding ceremony at the local conservatory.  We all walked in, located the spot that they as a couple determined was a good, quieter one, and the minister began the ceremony.  With visitors to the conservatory who happened to be in the room, or wandered in, all looking on with us close family, they were married.  Then we were off to a wonderful (I cannot say enough about the food OMG) dinner to celebrate.  I loved this as we have waited, not too patiently, for this day to finally arrive.

*I did not end up marrying at the nationals for the “outlaw” motorcycle club that the now ex-boyfriend (but very very dear friend) was a member.  I did not end up marrying at all.  I’m single but honestly more than content being so.  I’ve learned to relish my singleness and not at all sure I will ever marry again.  Not closing the door on that but it is no longer on my bucket list to marry again.

*The ex-hubby tied the knot while on vacation in Jamaica this year, and much to my surprise I not only wasn’t hurt by it, I was thrilled for them both!  And over joyed for my children, even though they are adults, she is a wonderful person to have in their lives and I believe has made their lives that much richer with her love of them.

*I went back to ‘school’ and achieved my certificate to be a nurse aide.  In a few weeks I’ll take my state test and hopefully find a job in this field quickly.  I loved working with the residents in the nursing home during clinicals and think I may have found my niche in life.

THINGS I LEARNED IN 2012

*No one is responsible for my happiness.  I am not lonely because I am not ‘attached’ to someone.  I’m not ‘alone’ either.  I knew all of this but as the year progressed it came to be better understood on deeper levels to me.  I am independent, confident, and comfortable as Marti.  I am not “just Marti” because I am not “Marti and ______ “, but rather I am MARTI – marvelous, fun, quirky Marti.  I am happy, have fun, enjoy life and love me as I am.

*I do have areas of me and my life that  need to improve, and I’m actively working on those.

*My faith is very important to me, and I need to take nurturing that faith more seriously.

*95+mph on the back of a Harley on the highway is liberating, crazy, amazing….and I’m okay if I never do that again.  Oh don’t get me wrong, I was terrified of highways at all up until the Biker/Cowboy, but in a pack of riders who are riding like they just stole the motorcycles (some probably had if I was honest with myself), it was an outstanding rush!  But not wise and certainly not something I want to keep doing.  I had my moments on that one, crossed it off the bucket list.

*People I had admired, looked up to, and had inspired me, people I thought were over all good people…can turn out to to be evil, vindictive people.  And many who play the victim are not only the ones doing the victimizing, they usually are just seeking attention.

*It is perfectly okay to write whatever I want in order to vent and get it out of my system, but it isn’t always necessary to hit “publish” once I am finished writing.  Somethings are better left between me and the keyboard, or to be published at a later date in my novels or on my pen-name/ghost blog.  No I do not share that one, sorry.  It is the place for things I don’t publish under my real identity to avoid hurting people I love.

*My son continues to amaze me, but that is another post.  But one thing I learned, just when you think you cannot possibly love your children anymore than you already do…they have children of their own and your heart swells bigger as you watch them hold their own child and you find you love them more and in a brand new way.

The landscape of 2013 is before me, and over the next 12  months it will change, grow, parts will die off and when I look up at the end of this year, it will look familiar, no doubt, but it will be again so different from what it is now.

#4 ~ My Grown Up Christmas List

4To see the full list click  HERE

#4 ~ My Ex-Husband

This wish is for my ex, Pete.  We were married just under 22 years before the divorce was final.

My wish is 2 fold really.

The first part is that the day will come when he can forgive whatever perceived wrongs he feels I’ve done, and that for the sake of our children we could be around each other in some form of harmony.  I’ve long ago forgiven him for those things I felt he did to me and pray the same may come my way from him.

He is a good man, was a good husband and a fantastic dad.  We were pretty much as close to oil and water as it can get as far as personalities.   I have a multitude of very happy memories from our marriage, and while losing him was incredibly painful, as the song says, “I could have missed the pain, but I’d have to miss the dance” and for all the good memories I have in my heart to treasure, that pain was worth it.

The second part is for his new marriage.  He is getting married next week to a very wonderful woman who is beautiful inside and out.  I really do in all sincerity wish them a very happy, joy filled marriage that lasts the rest of their lives.  I hope and pray (yes really do pray for them) to be showered with many blessings and good things in the years to come.

Day 17 ~ 30 Days Of Thankfulness 2012

I am thankful for my freedom.  As in being single.

I know that will strike many as rather odd, considering how shattered I was when my marriage ended.

Being single, I’ve learned a lot more about myself than I knew before.  With me being the only primary responsibility and priority, I have had a chance for much reflection on who, what, where, when, why and how regarding myself.  I’ve discovered things about me that I’d totally forgotten.  I can be whoever or whatever pleases me at the moment and don’t have to sleep with or really care one bit about what those who are critical of my choices have to say about it.  I can take risks, explore, etc. the world around me and myself in MY time and do it all my way.  And I can fail at anything and not be criticized by anyone that matters to me.

I know it may sound selfish, but I don’t mean it too.  I think it is very important that we stay in touch with our true, inner self.  Often in a relationship of any great length, we let go of our inner self in order to hang on to the other person, sacrificing who we are to make another happy.  There is much maturity and self awareness that doesn’t usually come along until we have some living under our belts and sadly, most of us don’t have it when we marry young, as I did.  Relationships should be a blending of two people without either giving up who they are or parts of who they are, in order to make things work.  Compromise is fine, but not Photoshopping ourselves.  No one is worth  our priceless self that does not willingly accept what they view as our imperfections.  You want my best, you have to take the worst too.  I’m not a menu.

When the day comes that I get married again, my mate will be getting a far better person than the previous one had.  I know who I am now, and I’m not willing to negotiate me any longer.  And that, for the sake of both parties, will actually be a far better relationship arrangement than I was in before.  It is why more and more I think toward an arranged marriage, not one of someone else establishing for me, but me and the next significant other arranging based first on common sense, logic and reason, then attraction, and then let the love grow from the friendship and fondness.  Frankly I think it will have more staying power.

I’m thankful for the freedom that helped me find me.

Tuesday Coffee Chat ~ Lessons Learned

“Lessons Learned” 

What’s the most important lesson you have learned thus far in life? Did you “get it” straight away, or did it take a few tries? Share your wisdom. 

Happiness.

We all want it, we do everything we can think of to have it.

And yet for many, even once they get what they want, they aren’t happy.

Why??

Because it isn’t, as the sign says, a destination, it is very much a way of life.

It is not a lesson I picked up over night.  I have gradually figured it all out as I have matured and grown older.

No person is going to make me happy.  I’ve been married twice now, the first time just a few years, the second 22 years.  In that second marriage, despite my husband’s faults (believe me there were many and some glaring!), I made the choice to love him when he was not a lovable guy, and to stick it out.  I chose to be happy.  Funny thing, when I made a decision to love him and be happy, I was!  In my mind he was the end all of men because that was for me what I believed my spouse should be.  And I was blindly and blissfully happy because I decided to be.  Sadly it did not go both ways.

When I ended up getting divorced because he wanted out, it about destroyed me emotionally and mentally.  I have struggled to come to grips with how anyone can boot someone out of their life that stood by them when they were one ugly, mean S.O.B. and carried the weight of the world on her shoulders when he could not.  How when it came time to roll up the sleeves and dig his heels in for me, he bailed.  But in all that mental and emotional train wreckage I made the decision to be HAPPY!  Every morning I crawled out of bed and put a smile on my face and told myself it was the best day EVER and that I was HAPPY!  And you know what? I WAS!  It didn’t mean that being tossed aside didn’t hurt, and it didn’t mean that there weren’t days I behaved like a horse’s ass through the divorce and immediately afterward.  But I still kept telling myself that I was happy and went about life doing things that I enjoyed and made me happy.

It is why I know that I don’t need another person in my life or lots of things to make me happy.  I’m flying this life plane solo and I don’t really have much in the way of possessions.  My happiness comes from inside.  Some days it is a bit more effort that must be put forth to put on my happy face, and there are days when I slip into a funk and might even hop on my blog and lash out irrationally.  But whatever splinter made its way in to cause that, I work quickly to dig it out and be happy again.  That decision is the seed that takes root that morning and before long I’m singing (not too loudly so as not to scare anyone) and dancing (like no one is watching) and I am HAPPY!

My happiness is my responsibility, and it is all part of the journey, not the end destination.

*To link up and join the chat and share your lessons learned, click the coffee cup icon above*

Day 12 ~ 30 Days Of Thankfulness 2012

I’m thankful for my church family.

My relationship with attendance is rocky but improving slowly, and not by my doing but by the small voice that can seem like thunder when it pushes hard from inside to pull myself together and go.

My sisters and brothers reach out and make sure I’m okay, let me know that I’m missed when I’m not there, and it is a constant reminder to me that outside of my actual family, there are people that love me and care about me.  Many know the darkness I walked in between the time I left as half of a married couple, and returned divorced and shattered, and they don’t judge, they just love me, support me, encourage me and pray for me.

I’m so thankful for everyone at Bible Chapel of Delhi Hills!!!! Love you all!

Friday Confessional – Auto Correct Arranged Marriages

Good grief, it’s Friday already?  Guess it is time for confessing all my sins for the week.  Jump on the hop/meme with us by clicking above.  Mamarazzi is on break but clicking the image will land you over at High Heeled Love where the link-up and confessions are taking place.

I confess…
I may have had just a little too much fun with my kids last night.  Not drunken insanity, more like drunk on good times.  My sides and stomach hurt from laughing so hard, its  the most work out my abs have had in…well a while.  My son texted me to see if I wanted to go to dinner with him, his wife and daughter.  I rarely turn down a free meal so I said yes.  He invited his sister along too (Thanks Bubbie, I love when we all spend time together and I don’t see you all enough).  My son is perhaps one of the few that doesn’t raise an eyebrow when mama orders a 32oz draft.  He knows I will take the entire meal to drink it, appetizers included.  Well most of the time.  He’d be the first person to land a second one in front of me.

I confess…
My kids can make me laugh like no one else.  We laughed til my mascara was pretty much cried off my face.  Even when something isn’t really all that amusing, my daughter has the most contagious giggle and laugh.  Sometimes I was laughing at her laughing.  And I confess much of what we were laughing about was  most inappropriate.  Just go to Damn You Auto Correct for examples of what nearly killed me inhaling tortilla  chips.  I couldn’t breathe at times I was laughing so hard.

I confess…
I am considering an ‘arranged’ marriage of sorts next time around.  Hold on, Cinnamon, my spicey friend, and read these 4 articles about romantic love and the science of arranged marriage.  You are probably the one person I know that will ‘get it’ better than others. Article 1What Is Romantic Love, Article 2 How To Make Romantic Love Last LongArticle 3How To Easily Fall Out Of Romantic Love, and Article 4The Science Of Arranged Marriages – How Do They Work.  I seriously figured out why my 22 year marriage failed.  Someone didn’t make ME center of his world like I did him.  The incurable flirt that he was, was a recipe for disaster.  But seriously I think the arranged marriage of logic and reason has merit.

I confess…
This FarmVille2 thing has me so buried.  Do yourself a HUGE favor and never ever go there!  Do not click the link and get suckered into playing it.  It is a cult of some sort and I’ve been brain washed into worrying about making cheese, harvesting wheat and envying someone named Walter for his farm, and he and the farm are no more than pixels grouped to LOOK like something cute and real.  The illusion is powerful, the addiction very real.  I need a 12 step program for this.

I confess…
I threw something at my cat this morning.  2 things actually.  I was too wired to sleep last night so I used the lavender oil on a spare pillow case to find the Sandman.  That worked like a charm but I was wide awake far earlier than I wanted to be because my darling little furry one was knocking on the closet door.  She paws at the door with her front paws while standing on the back ones, it sounds a lot like rapid knocking.  Not really loud as much as highly annoying when I am trying to sleep.  I usually let her in the closet to explore when I’m putting on my makeup in the morning because I can keep an eye on her while she is knocking things on the floor (I have a walk in closet with a dresser in there and she enjoys pushing things off the edge and watching them fall).  But I was not about to let her in there unsupervised and certainly not at 6am.  This was supposed to be my sleeping in day.  I finally waded up the pillow case and threw it at her.  She was back 5 minutes later, hell bent on getting in.  I threw my teddy bear next.  Not at her but at the door above her head so it would startle her.  That didn’t work either.   I just gave up and finally went in search of coffee, I know when I’ve lost the match.

I confess…
I am eating peanut butter crackers and drinking a diet coke for breakfast.  Don’t judge it sounded good to me.

I leave you with one of the things that got my daughter into a fit of giggles last night.  She had been on Pinterest and for whatever reason was searching on “Bob Cat” and this is what came up.  She laughed herself into tears that night, and again over dinner when she pulled it up to show her brother.  Scary thing is, I found it nearly as funny as she did.

Me, Heaven, & Righteousness

I recently began a fantastic bible study written by Kay Arthur, Lord, Only You Can Change Me.

I picked this study because it is one of Kay’s studies, and ALL over her books, studies, etc. are outstanding.  Another reason is because I’ve been trying to get myself back to the right path in my life.  One that is Christ honoring and not so self centered.

One of the first things this study does is to take the reader through the Sermon On The Mount, reading all of Matthew chapters 5-7.  Then going back and marking each reference to ‘heaven’ and ‘righteousness’ throughout those passages.  Next, going through and listing the verse reference and what it says about heaven, then the same for righteousness.  If you are having any doubts  about your own position in on your journey toward the pearly gates, this is a good place to start.  It is an eye opener.

Here are some of the things I learned about heaven:

It belongs to the  poor inspirit.

It belongs to those persecuted for righteousness.

Our Father is there.

Until it passes away none of the law will pass away.

Unless our righteousness surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees we won’t enter the kingdom of Heaven.

Our Father there is perfect and we are to be perfect.

God’s will is done there.

Not all who call out “Lord, Lord” will enter there.

Only those who do God’s will can enter.

Our forgiveness from our Father hinges upon our forgiveness of others.

There were many other things, if you mark the word ‘heaven’ then go back and list everything these chapters say about it, but that gives you an idea.

The list for righteousness was a real eye opener as well.  One of the biggest being we must SEEK it.  That was my “one word” last year.  I fell rather short on SEEKING most anything I needed when it came to my journey.  Praise the Lord for His forgiveness.

While going through these passages for this study I did note that I have the following passage highlighted in every bible I own, and I had underlined verse 44 in addition to the highlights.

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor[a] and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you,[b] 45 that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you greet your brethren[c] only, what do you do more than others?Do not even the tax collectors[d] do so? 48 Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.

For the record, the red highlight above (my doing) is the verse I underlined.  This one is a place I fall very short.

I wonder about where my heart might be today had I stayed more grounded in the Word of God and not allowed myself to move away from what I knew deep down was right.  Would I still be married? Or how much faster would I have healed (still in that process) if I had clung to God’s Word when going through the divorce and afterward?  I can honestly say I did NOT love my ex-husband through that time, certainly did not bless him or do good by him.  For the first time in our history I said unkind things.  Throughout our marriage, when outside of our home, I never spoke ill of the man.  But once he sought a divorce and I had moved out, I let it fly with both  barrels in my other blog and to anyone that listened.  I turned my hurt into hate.  And because I could not begin to pray good things for him, I simply didn’t pray at all.  No, not blaming him for my failure to live a Christ like life, that is all on me.  I’m not responsible for his actions, only my own.

Another section that really bothers me when I read it, is Matthew 5:31-32.

31 “Furthermore it has been said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality[a] causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.

I don’t know where to go with this one.  I struggled with it when my first marriage ended, and even more so now.  Not having been the one that ended the marriage, where does it leave me?  Per the passage it causes me to commit adultery because he divorced me.  Does this mean that blame, that sin, is on his head and not mine?  And what of a future marriage…if I marry again it causes someone to commit adultery.  It is a messy business, this whole matter of divorce.  I understand now why the bible says that God hates divorce.  It causes ripples of pain, confusion and further sins in the lives not only of the one wanting out, but for the one left behind too. (For more about this topic see Matthew 19:3-9)

I’m a long way from that place, but I have a long way to go.  I’m past the meanness in my heart and soul, the hate, but the pain is still there, my heart very raw.  But I will be applying scripture to my life in this and every other area, and praying for ME to be the one changed.

Living And Loving Plan B

Recently, while browsing the hospital gift shop, my sister found this birthday card that had a piece in it called, “Life Is All About How You Handle Plan B”, by Suzy Toronto.  We both loved it.  Next to the cards we discovered calenders for 2013 with a different piece for each month, like “Never Under Estimate The Power Of A Hissy Fit”.  We both bought one of the calenders, we plan to frame each piece because they are fantastic.  We also plan to read the book, The Sacred Sisterhood Of Wonderful Wacky Women”.

The piece is too good not to share:

Life is All About How you Handle Plan B
Plan A is always my first choice.
You know, the one where
Everything works out to be
Happily ever-after.
But more often than not,
I find myself dealing with
The upside-down, inside-out version —
Where nothing goes as it should.
It’s at this point that the real
Test of my character comes in..
Do I sink, or do I swim?
Do I wallow in self pity and play the victim,
Or simply shift gears
And make the best of the situation?
The choice is all mine…
Life is all about how you handle Plan B.

It got me thinking about my life and how pretty much it is a series of plan B.  And we never planned for Plan B, it comes with it’s own charted and uncharted waters.

Plan A was just get through high school and stay under the radar. Plan B, I ended up pregnant and gave the  baby up for adoption.

Plan A, I got married with Cinderella dreams and it ended in divorce a few years later and Plan B was I found myself a single mom.

Plan A, I got married again, this time with somewhat more realistic dreams to the man I called my Hero, but later found out I spent 22 years married to a man who had never wanted to marry me in the first place (his words not mine) and the  last few years living what I felt were our best years, while listening to him daily lie to me about his love for me.  Plan B became single again in my late 40’s and a sincere lack of trust for much of anything that any man will now tell me as far as how he feels about me.  To say my views of the male side of the species is jaded would be spot on.

I could delve into a lot of other examples but those are the primary ones that come to mind.  It sucks when Plan B pops up, at least initially. However, if life is all about how you handle Plan B…well honestly over all I think I’ve done well.  Oh I didn’t always just accept it with arms open wide, and sometimes fought against it a bit, but eventually I came to realize that Plan B can have a lot more to offer.

When the current Plan B first began, I spent some time wallowing in self pity and honestly I don’t feel I played the victim, I WAS the victim.  And I jumped into far too many relationships really fast looking for a balm for my wounded heart.   But I started to embrace being single and now I see the benefits.  Trouble was then along came the Biker and now I am stuck at a fork in the road with entirely too many paths to choose from.  And I’m not sure that I’m ready to ever again be Mrs. __________ (fill in last name of whichever man is vying for my hand).

I’m currently living the Plan B dream of sorts.  No, not making the kind of money I WILL be making (trust me I will). But I’m working for myself.  I get up when I feel like it, go to bed when I want too.  I have FREEDOM.  I dyed my spiky locks auburn for a while, now they are bleach, skanky blond.  I am saving for some new tattoos (having ink envy big time looking at my daughter’s gorgeous, latest tattoo that wraps around her body).  If I want to walk around in the morning with bed-head, scratching my butt, farting and then pee in the shower, I have no one to worry about offending with the unladylike behavior.   I’m finding it difficult to nurture a relationship along when I am the only person I really feel the desire to nurture.  I’ve been told I’m selfish and self centered for  my “life is all about ME” attitude right now, and for not being able to give my whole heart to another, because I am still mourning the loss of the man who truly was my Hero.  Well then I suppose I can carry that label too.  Because right now, that is Plan B – ME!

I’m re-examining my faith and getting back into my Bible study and finding a church home.  Not one I can go to with someone else as a couple.  Some where to go ALONE.  I don’t want to be “Marti & _____” when I go there.

I am building my business and have taken on another that has even greater earning potential to have me sitting very comfy in a short time financially.  Those take up a lot of time right now and I LOVE what I am doing.

I want to be free to enjoy the friendship I have with several male buddies.  Not booty buddies, they are FRIENDS.  One is a former lover (Mr. Wonderful) but our friendship stayed very much intact and his wisdom offers a sweet balance to my ADD and OCD ways at times.  I want that freedom to go enjoy a drink and help him mend his relationships, share about my faith walk etc. with him.  But that causes waves in my relationship with the Biker.

Marriage is off the table with the Biker and every other man, and not sure it will ever be served as an option again.  Marriage  honestly isn’t a side dish I want with my meal of life with any man at this point.  I’m not at a place where I want to deal with “why haven’t I heard from you yet today” when I wake up and don’t text a good morning until it is now “good afternoon”.  I don’t want to cause waves in the relationship ocean because I went and saw a movie, or checked out a band, or had a drink with an old male friend who I may or may not have slept with at some dot on my timeline of life.  I’m just not happy being tied down, my spirit wants to soar the skies right now.

I’m not seeking other options or wanting to keep my options open.  The only option I want is to explore Plan B MY way, in MY time, on MY terms.  I get that it is not what the man in my life wants right now, but we are not at the same place with wanting a relationship.  And if that is selfish, so be it. Then I guess I am self centered.  When one is independently owned and operated, it IS all about ME!

Dear Future Husband ~ It’s My Heart, Thank You Very Much

Dear Future Mr. Marvi Marti,

Gosh I love that…Mr. Marvi Marti.  You see, it is likely that is what you will be known by, as I am just that much of an over powering presence.  I tend to out shine, out last, out speak, out love, out argue etc, any man in my life.  I am quite a force to be reckoned with, no doubt.

Speaking of “out love any man”, however,  yes we DO need to talk about that part at some point and now is as good a time as any, as to date the position is still open for the future Mister.  This is because as of now, if someone likes it, they haven’t put a ring on it. You know the song.

Monday marked what would have been my 24th wedding anniversary to Lord Voldemort.  Yes, by the way, it is said in fun so just get the hell over it, oh readers who love to run tell him what I write about him. He doesn’t give a rats ass and I say it in complete fun.  Sorry, dear ex-hubster, if your “friends” feel the need to report what I write, perhaps it is time to trade them in for ones who respect your ‘claimed’ wishes to not tell you.  And SO sorry, future one of mine, I hijack my own posts once in a while, get used to it.  I’m told it is A.D.D.

My dear, future spouse, you must accept something very important.  I was married for 2 weeks shy of 22 years.  In that time I went from loving my spouse, being in love with him, to loving him with every fiber of my being, every cell in me.  It didn’t come about over night though.  That kind of love grows through many trials and difficulties, and many more happy good times.  Nearly losing him 3 times to death grew that love which is why I stayed through the shit storm life seemed to always throw our way.  Watching him be a daddy, comforting our children, those sights burned that love into my heart.  Supporting him and watching him achieve dreams, it carved him deeper  into my heart.  Yes, to this day I love that man very much, that will simply not change.  True, real love doesn’t die.  And that is why the divorce was so painful and still is for me, knowing that the love that I had for him was one sided.  He loved me, but not like I loved him.  Not with the kind of love that comes from every part of someone, that keeps promises made, the love that never gives up and stays when someone is most unlovable (rest assured he was very unlovable at times and is not the saintly  husband some think – and you can bet I can play a tie ball game in that regard).  To know that you gave someone your best years,  love from the core of your being, only to have them toss it aside like a waded up receipt, that kind of pain you just don’t bounce back from in 2 years time.  When I looked up and saw the date, 8/13, I cried all over again.  I miss the man that held me when I cried over losses, who snored softly beside me when he slept, who made me laugh at stupid, silly things, was the object of my fantasies, and made me excited just by the sound of him pulling in the driveway.  The man who could raise my desire simply by touching me.

That part of my heart is now very much closed.   I don’t know that I can ever love on that level  again.  No, it is not impossible, but it is highly unlikely.  Because when you lose the person you loved that much….it is a pain beyond words.  It hurt to even breathe.  No, it doesn’t hurt quite that badly now, but I’m still pretty raw and vulnerable on those depths.  I’m not sure we can love like that more than once in a lifetime.  Because self preservation closes those depths in the heart and seals them over.  To hurt the deeply more than once…well frankly the thought is unbearable to me.

I can love you, be your best friend, companion, cheer leader.  I can and will be faithful, there will be only you if we make a commitment.  But the deepest part of my heart is not within anyone’s reach. Even the one I loved that much could never hope  to pry that place open again.  That is why, should hell freeze over and he ever wanted to patch things up, the answer would be a concrete NO WAY IN HELL.  For one, I could never trust him again.  And of course, that love I had is locked up so tightly away now, my heart could never freely give it again to someone who threw it away.

I will use everything left in me to love, cherish and adore the man I marry, should I ever go that route again.  If that is not enough, then my dear man, I am not the one for you.  Keep looking for what you seek and I hope you are able to find it.  If you want someone who keeps those promises made in the wedding vows, “through richer or poorer, good times and bad, sickness and in health….” yada yada yada, then  please, pursue that road with me. I honor my vows and take them very seriously.

It’s MY heart, and even if I thought I could love on the level again, I don’t know that I would, and that is my right.