Tag Archives: Humor

You Can’t Make This Sh*t Up Thursday

7 Nov

I often hear of bucket lists, and while there are things I want to do before I die, I have yet to put those into a formal list.

My question is, do you have an UN-bucket list?  You know, those things that happen to you in life that would never have made the bucket list, they are more of those off the wall experiences that fall into the “you can’t make this sh*t up!” category.  Thursdays will be those days for me to share that ever growing list.  My life is full of such events, which tends to make it way more interesting and amusing.  At least to some folks on the outside looking in. Me? I just have to laugh or I’d probably cry and go bonkers.

As if yesterday’s post wasn’t full of oddness enough (semi trucks on the ferry, my little kitten etc), life kept it on a roll.  I got home with NO traffic issues (nothing short of amazing) and went to check on my kitten.  She is confined to the master bed and bath for 2 weeks while she is healing.  She greeted me at the bedroom door, having heard me come in the front door.  My nose immediately detected a very unpleasant odor.  Poop.  I looked all over and nothing could be found.  Her litter box looked fine, as in everything covered.  I picked her up and thankfully the stench grew stronger quickly, before I put her against me, because hanging there off the butt end of my fur ball was a big ole dingleberry.  For those that do not know, it’s a ball of feces stuck in the hair of one’s tush.  In this case it was more of a log.  I took her straight in the bathroom and removed it with toilet paper, but it was mashed into her fur.  Only way to deal with that? Bathe the kitten.  I want you to know that you have not truly lived until  you try to bathe a kitten who is certain you are trying to drown her.

tumblr_lkhntxfjoX1qjcwjgo1_500Now, picture this, we have a nice, large jaccuzzi tub in the bathroom, oval shaped.  I am holding the kitten and turn on the water and yep, she figures out really fast that it’s going to somehow involve her.  I go to stick her butt and tail under the water and I swear all 4.5 pounds of tiny Skyler is on alert.  Her little legs spread wide to try to reach the sides to hold her out of the water, while her upper body starts to twist and claw into my arms.  Thankfully I saw this coming and had pulled down my shirt sleeves.  I had to work really hard to not drop her while shampooing her bottom.  Took 2 separate attempts and all I had to do this with was Avon Naturals Kids Coconut shampoo.  So upon drying her off the second time she now smelled like a daiquiri.  But it was a big improvement.  I also didn’t have a towel handy so used my bath towel.  I then had to do a load of laundry because I wasn’t about to shower and use that towel until I had!

As the night wore on, I started to feel bad.  Like in sick.  😦  this is not a happy thing for me, I don’t like being sick.  I’ve tried hard to be in denial and refuse to accept it.  First the cat bath, now this. UGH

At bedtime I put the kitten on my blanket that I sleep under.  With menopause in full swing it is better to have my own blanket so as not to freeze my honey out when I have to throw off the blankets in the night sweats.  And I love the blanket, it is one my niece gave me last year for Christmas and it is SOOOOO soft.  Kitten ended up under the edge of it.  She didn’t move all night that I know of, as was evidenced by when I woke up and my pajama pant leg was soaking wet (she had climbed up on my leg to sleep) and the blanket.  One sniff and I knew she had pee’d on me.  I have no clue why she never went to use her litter box.  Perhaps her pain meds left her in a zone?  Or maybe she was stuck?  Who knows, I only know that waking up covered in kitten urine was not on my bucket list.  For that matter neither is bathing poop off a cat’s butt.

One last strange thing on the radar…my blog just suggested “New Mexico State University” as a recommended tag.  Hmm…not sure what connection this all has to that particular college.

You can’t make this sh*t up!


Farting In The Shower

6 May

farting-kittenBefore anyone panics, this is NOT a post about flatulence, at least not the bodily function.  It is more just an out pouring of what is rolling around in my brain of late.  Which, by the way, can be every bit as frightening to open up for a peek inside as what one will encounter after someone has farted in the shower.  Some days, equally offensive, no doubt about it.

And heck, we all know with a title like “Farting In The Shower”, more than a few of you high tailed it on over here to read this post because you simply couldn’t resist….sickos!

Did you have one of those weekends that just took it’s time going by?  I love those!  Time did NOT fly when I was having a great time and I’m so thankful for that.  I spent all day Saturday (close to 13 hours) with my friend who shall be known as the Teddy Bear.  Make no mistake, within that adorable, teddy bear exterior there is a grizzly bear.  But unless absolutely necessary, he is a gentle giant.  We met some years ago on a dating site and a friendship began.  We’ve been trying to get together but schedules were being most uncooperative until this past weekend.  But that is another post, it was too nice a time to fall in under a blog post title containing the word “Fart”.

Could someone please tell me what the fascination is with the show, “Duck Dynasty”???  I admit that I only watched about 10 minutes of one episode before scrambling for the remote.  I would have rather watched grass grow than another minute of that insanity.  Maybe I should have stayed with it?  I cannot imagine what draws anyone to it, so please, enlighten me.

*SIGH* It is only 7:13pm, too early to be sipping wine so I’ll have to stick to a cup of coffee for now.

Honey-Boo-Boos-Mother-has-a-BoyfriendSometime in the past year or so, I saw this lovely photo moving around Facebook.  At first I found it rather amusing, especially coming out of a divorce and several heart breaks since the end of the 22 year marriage to Lord Voldemort.  I had slammed on the breaks in dating and relationship land, vowing to remain single for a full year to rediscover me.  I am growing used to the idea that no one keeps me and that would tend to lead any normal person to believe that perhaps they are somehow flawed or unlovable.  Or both.  Though really, Honey Boo Boo’s mama has a boyfriend…someone is keeping her!  Granted, she is likely quite well off with all this reality show life they live so the man would be a fool to toss her aside.  Then again, he has to look at her, and be with that woman as she belches and farts on a regular basis and does disgusting things like chews food and then hangs her mouth open to give a view of it all.  I may have my flaws, but holy mother of all things real, I’m not that bad!

As if that isn’t enough, today on the commute home, I’m listening to the radio and it is the entertainment news update.  The headlines: Honey Boo Boo’s mama and her boyfriend, Sugar Bear, who also happens to be Boo Boo’s baby daddy, GOT MARRIED!   In a wedding complete with a camo wedding gown.  Someone please tell me that he married her for the money, that she is his sugar mama.

923163_10200263105398770_1205204837_nI’m seriously a bit concerned here.  Just this weekend I was told I am: sexy, cute as a button, fun, intelligent.  And yet I remain single while Honey Boo Boo’s mother is M-A-R-R-I-E-D.  Has the world gone off it’s rails entirely????

I can deal with the whole turning 50 in less than 2 weeks, even embracing it to be honest.

I am comfy with the fact that I now view life through bifocal glasses, and that if I get contacts again, for distance, I will need to purchase readers or wear bifocal contacts.

I was even able to find the humor in receiving a temporary AARP card and application in the mail.

What I am struggling with is the idea that me, the woman who loved her husband with every cell of my being, with every part of my heart, that adored the man, still got excited at his touch and butterflies in my stomach when he came home, who is certainly far from ugly or disgusting, yet is adored by men then tossed aside once they have my heart (which by the way is never easily given),  is single and seemingly destined to be a crazy cat lady!  I did not sign up for this, could someone kindly show me where the customer service desk is, I’d like a refund!

935647_512630128785121_734655800_nOR maybe, just maybe, the problem is not me?

Maybe I am really the amazing woman I was told that I am by all those men who have since walked away, and it is simply that they cannot handle (read: control) me because I am anything but easy?  And therefore, in reality, they were not at all worth it?

Hmmm….I think NOW it is time for that glass of wine.

Goldilocks Coffee Musings

3 Jan

Coffee cup with steamI’m sitting here with the bleach in my hair getting rid of my roots.  I’ve been enjoying sporting the white hair for a while now, ever since that little mistake of trying to take my hair from auburn to Marilyn Monroe blond on my own.  It was a beautiful, creamsicle orange when I was finished.  My stylist told me I saved her about 2 hours by getting it that far so bravo me.  I haven’t determined if I will go back to my natural, dark blond again, I’m liking this bleached out look for now.

2013 is my year.  13 is a lucky number in my family, kind of a hereditary oldest child thing from what I can tell.  Gramps lucky number, then mom’s and then  mine.  I’ve always had a thing for the number since so many others find it bad luck.  For me, it seems to be the opposite.  So this is my year, 2013.  I’m excited at the possibilities that are ahead of me.  New career in the medical field, though I will keep the Avon business going, that seems to be a niche for me that I was not aware of before.  I have a real heart for the elderly and the younger folks in long term care facilities, that cannot take care of themselves or need a little help with daily functions.  I hated to admit it but it got to me and pulled me in!  I hate to admit it because I never gave it a thought in the past, when I could have been done with the training and been working in the field long ago.  But then I do not believe in accidents and obviously the timing wasn’t right before, now it is perfect.

This year is all about establishing deeper relationships with my kids and grandchildren.  DOING things together, spending time sharing and enjoying times, making memories.  I love this new chapter, the one titled GRANDMA, and I plan to make the most of it and embrace it with gusto.  I’m turning 50 this year, in 134 days to be exact, and I am going to enjoy that for all it is worth as well. YAY ME! Half of a marvelous century old, and not slowing down!  Bring on life, I’ve got this!

I am going to begin working on writing  novels this year, a dream I’ve had for a long time.  Lord knows my life is full of material that would make a best seller, in my opinion, so might as well start the process of developing characters and plot lines.  I love to write, I’m told by many of my readers that it is a talent I possess, so why not?  There are many who have encouraged me to write books.  I haven’t totally committed to a pen name yet, as I’m uncertain exactly what to use.  I have considered my name from the swinger days, Jaz, but not sure I want to do that.

I also want to get some things made for my Etsy shop.  Though I might just have my brother build me a website to use to sell things I make and that my sister makes.  We have our name for our creations ready to go, just need to actually DO something with it.

And yes the Avon business will be in full swing.  I’ve totally let that slide with things going on in my life, like my POS car, but I know that I need to do more with it and so I’ll be kicking that up.  I’m actually starting to plan out my time, scheduling everything from reading to crochet to writing, studying for the state exam then working in the nursing facility all the while dealing in cosmetics.

These are the reasons being single is a good thing for me at the moment.  Not that I’d not consider a relationship, as I said the door is not closed, but in order to do that it has to be someone who is not overly needy of my time and attention.  Someone who can encourage me to soar and not try to clip my wings or limit my progress.  Definitely someone without a shattered past.  Sure, we all have dysfunctional lives and carry baggage along this road, but I have a tendency to get involved with men who have severely broken pasts, and I cannot help them fix that nor do I want to help them lug all that baggage with them.  Both husbands and pretty much every man I’ve dated had a past that wasn’t just broken, it was pretty much shards of splintered glass crushed over and over underneath the feet of people in their lives.  I cannot do that again.  I don’t have the time or desire to help someone heal from their painful past life.  I guess that sounds incredibly selfish, but I am not a professional and therefore I am limited in what I can do to assist.

But right now, as the hair is processing, thanks to my sister being so willing to do the dye jobs around the Diva Den (thanks sooo much!), I think it is time for a round of Plague, Inc., the game I’ve been hooked on thanks to my children.  Now, if only the ‘world’ would stop trying to heal itself and let me destroy the population of the earth so I can level up.


18 May

I’m not even certain randomness is a word, though spell checker isn’t flagging it so I suppose that it is indeed.

I am SO thankful it is Friday.  Been missing my Biker this week, work and life getting in the way of our fun.  But the weather is going to be outstanding so my hope is a lot of throttle therapy.  Frankly I’d settle for some serious snuggle therapy and a few naps, I’m exhausted.

My vampire hours are back, oh the joy.  I expected it last night, between my mind being an over active jumble of thoughts and the Mucinex I took for my stuffy nose it was a sure fired way to be awake half the night.  When I was sleeping it was a lot of screwed up, fitful Twilight Zone style dreams I could have lived without.  It gave me plenty of time to lay there contemplating the bizarre  stuff I see in life that leaves my face contorted in  puzzled thought.

Example…do people not realize that when inside their car, unless they have tinted windows, they are still visible?    I’ve noticed a good number of people cleaning their ears with keys (not a safe practice by the way), shaving,  applying makeup, and picking their nose, examining what was extracted then snacking on said item (stomach turning), sneezing into their hands and wiping in  on the seat or their shirt sleeve…seriously people, knock that nasty crap off!

Ladies, unless your rear luggage rack is in excellent condition, do NOT wear white pants/shorts.  And under NO circumstances should you wear anything that is a mix of spandex.  Yes, curves are sexy to some men, like my honey.  Others, like the ex-spouse think twigs are hot.  Now, what I am about to say is acceptable coming from me, as I have a somewhat over sized load back there:  if you have a large caboose white pants do  not make you look fresh and summer like. They make you look like a major appliance that grew legs.  There is nothing appealing about looking like a refrigerator wrapped in white plastic.  Be comfy in your skin and all that, but  please learn how to dress in ways that compliment your curves.

Gentlemen…what is the fascination with reading in the bathroom???  It is the least comfortable place in any home or office and yet when they need to spend any amount of time in there, most every man I know grabs the sports page or a magazine and struts off  to the commode.  Shortly after the work day started and they had consumed their first cups of coffee, the guys in the office could all be seen making their way to the men’s room with a portion of the newspaper or a trade magazine under the arm.  Come on fellas, we all know what you are doing in there, and it ain’t going to smell pleasant, why would you want to linger over the baseball scores from last night?  Can you seriously not find a better place to call “the library”?  Especially when it is obviously a group activity based on the numbers entering.  If you need to be in there long enough to read anything of length perhaps you should consider an increase of fiber in your diet to move things along.  Get in, get out, and use some air freshner for the sake of all following you in there, please!

One last peeve…when standing in line at the grocery, thumbing through magazines, please do NOT LICK YOUR DAMN FINGERS to turn the page unless you are buying it!  That is just nasty and gross! Not to mention you may be picking up the germs left by the last digit-licker that browsed through it.  Same goes with wetting the finger tips to then count out paper money…you don’t know where those bills have been and that poor cashier  doesn’t want to handle the money after you’ve slimmed it.  Besides, she may give it to me, the next one in line, in my change and then I’m going to run you down with my shopping cart!

100 Marvelous Facts About Me

24 Mar

I’m in a totally fragmented, random kind of mood.  Nothing deep, just typically odd for me.  I’m freaky like that.  Some call me weird, I say gifted.   Regardless of how you define it, I’m so very unique.  Quirky, fun, funny, odd, sarcastic, kind, loving, forgiving….yeah like that.  I have NO idea where this is headed, just random things in my brain.  Consider it a peek into the garden, and be thankful. I don’t open that gate often to the world.

  1. If it is pink, it will catch my eye immediately.
  2. If by chance it is pink and has any amount of bling, I’m on it like a fat kid on a cupcake.
  3. I am fairly certain I am ADD, based on studies regarding stimulants & treating ADD, caffeine and adults.  I over consume but yet sleep even on a full pot of java.
  4. I am OCD about a few things…the bed has to be made for me to get in it, I will check the stove multiple times before I go out of the door, it may be hanging in the art museum but if a picture is crooked, I will straighten it.
  5. I mix my veggies in my mashed potatoes.
  6. Ketchup on roast = awesome.
  7. I snore.
  8. Everybody poops.  At least that is what the book claims, but I cannot prove it as I’ve yet to take a poll on the  matter.
  9. I am not an abstract thinker so I cannot do algebra.  I need concrete stuff to get my head wrapped around it.
  10. I have a big butt.  Hey, I do, why deny it. I can live with it.
  11. I have big boobs too, thanks to the ex and my surgeon.
  12. I love wind chimes.
  13. I think true beauty in a person is what they look like in the dark.
  14. If you don’t understand #13….you aren’t for me.
  15. Coffee is it’s own food group. So is chocolate.  Both are on the bottom of my food pyramid.
  16. One of my favorite things is chubby baby feet.
  17. I drink my coffee black.
  18. I prefer diet colas, cannot handle the sweetness of regular.
  19. I buy wine based on the amusing labels.  If it tastes good to me, I’ll buy it again. I don’t care about the price.
  20. I  just stopped in the middle of this to dust the box fan in my room because it needed it.
  21. I am afraid of the dark so I need a nightlight.
  22. I sleep with a teddy bear, wrapped around it just like a kid.
  23. I actually read and follow the washing instruction tags on all of my clothes.
  24. I only did the laundry when I was married because the ex did NOT read the tags.
  25. Tanning was a way to fight depression during the winter for me. I miss it.
  26. Procrastination is my middle name.
  27. My best work has always been accomplished at hour 11.5
  28. My cat always bathes herself before going to bed. I think this is wise, one just never knows….
  29. Grandma said wear clean undies in case you are in an accident…I just don’t bother wearing any, hee hee hee.
  30. I need a line item in my budget for over due library books.
  31. Reading is an addiction, I will get a quick fix reading shampoo bottles in the shower if necessary.
  32. My lucky number is 13.
  33. Don’t piss me off, you will end up in my novel.
  34. Christmas is my favorite time of the year/holiday.
  35. I despise being cold, but love snow for the beauty…from inside sipping coffee.
  36. I HATE surprise parties, do it and I WILL walk out.  Try me.
  37. Not real big on surprises at all to be honest.
  38. I believe in ‘ghosts’ and think some are demons, some are dead folks that won’t move on.
  39. I hate  wearing shoes, but don’t like being bare foot.  I go through a LOT of footie socks.
  40. I love tattoos.
  41. I have a nose ring, a small little ‘diamond’ but one day will have the real deal.
  42. I’m considering getting my eyebrow pierced.  I don’t really know why, just want too.
  43. Sometimes I spray pink in  my hair, because I LIKE it.
  44. I’m a reformed cat hater.
  45. I’m about 1 bad relationship away now from owning 12 cats.
  46. I am very allergic to cats.
  47. I own a cat.  We’re a package deal.
  48. I love post-it-notes, in anything adorable or pink, not because I  need them I just buy them cause they are cool.
  49. I love anything Hello Kitty, but I’m only just beginning to collect such items.
  50. I’m allergic to bee stings, not deathly, at least not yet, but it is progressing each time.
  51. I cannot, in conversation, just get to the point.  Believe me there is a reason for what color underwear someone was wearing in a retelling of a story that has nothing at all to do with ones drillies.  It makes sense to me so don’t interrupt.
  52. If I don’t write it in my planner/calendar,  it isn’t real likely to happen.
  53. I love the term “fartin shimmy” and I know what one is.
  54. My favorite flowers are equally lavender, pink and yellow roses.
  55. I gave someone a lap dance once to earn their beads – a really cool set of fire fighter ones.  No, you cannot have them.
  56. I’ve posed naked for photos (in my early/mid 40’s), they were published on 2 websites.  Yes I still have them. NO you may not see them.
  57. Because I’m afraid of the dark, very afraid, I keep a flashlight right by my bed. It needs NO batteries, and it’s a cat, eyes light up 🙂
  58. I’m terrified of storms when they get severe or loud.
  59. I’m terrified of fire, so I will not live in a house that I cannot easily escape from via windows that are not too high up.
  60. I change smoke alarm batteries far more often than necessary.
  61. I’ve been told I talk some in my sleep.  I wouldn’t know for sure, I’m asleep when this occurs.
  62. I have a piggy bank.  It is not pink, as this one matches my bedroom, but I actually do put money in it.  I love it.
  63. If what my ex tells me, that sexy is 90% attitude, then I ooze sexy from all of my pores.
  64. I want to live to be 100 years old.
  65. I’ve always gotten along better with men than women.
  66. My shower gel, body lotion, skin softner, deodorant and cologne…are all the same scent.  It’s just one way I roll.
  67. I don’t hold a grudge forever, even when I try.  I’m just too forgiving of a person.
  68. I prefer to be at peace with all people if at all possible.
  69. There are 2 people on the face of this earth that you can note a significant rise in blood pressure just by mentioning my name.  I’m powerful like that! 🙂
  70. I currently cannot see a damn thing. I own ‘hoopty’ spectacles.  One arm on my glasses broke and I’ve not replaced them or my contact lenses to date.  Another way I roll.
  71. Yes, I really was part of the swinger lifestyle once.
  72. It is very unlikely I will ever run for public office.  (see #56 and 71 – enough said)
  73. I don’t get emotionally attached to things anymore, as the ones that should have meant something (like my wedding rings etc) proved worthless in meaning.
  74. I am a reformed pack rat.
  75. “All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to  her that they are not all the same.” ~ Marilyn Monroe.  I’m still waiting.
  76. I’m perfectly imperfect.
  77. I’m looking for the guy that will love every imperfect part of me, and find it all to be perfectly adorable and love worthy.
  78. Inside this woman that is so confident, sexy, brazen at times and fun on the outside, is an inner child that is shy, scared and needs to be loved unconditionally.
  79. I believe the minute you start finding fault with someone you ‘love’, you’ve begun applying conditions to your love, you show that you don’t love them, but want to mold them and control them.
  80. While I do enjoy being around people, a lot, I am somewhat of a loner at times too.
  81. < – that is the year I graduated from high school.
  82. I have been in 3 countries outside of the U.S.
  83. I’ve been in about 40 of the states in this country.
  84. There is SO much to see right here in the land I love that I would be happy just traveling around seeing it all here!
  85. I LOVE light houses.  My favorite is the one in Cape Hatteras.
  86. I believe that the beach is God’s therapy couch for us, and the sounds of the waves hitting the shore are the most soothing of stress.
  87. In 54 days  I will be 49 years old.  This bugs me way the hell more than turning 50 will.
  88. Every once in a while I enjoy reading a really trashy romance novel.
  89. I struggle with my weight, goes with being a Taurus…we love food.
  90. It’s important to me to be able to achieve my goals and be financially independent.  It isn’t that  I don’t want to be loved and cared for, but I never want to NEED a man to support me.
  91. No man ever keeps me.  They gain my heart, then suck my love dry  and leave me.
  92. I still believe in true love, the forever kind of love.  Just not sure it is meant for me.  Once  the infatuation wears off, they don’t really love me after all.
  93. My dream table would have at least 12 settings of china, each one different from the next.  Each a complete place setting, but no two alike.
  94. I’m working on my bucket list.  Not that I plan to die soon, I want to live to be 100, but time IS going forward.
  95. I enjoy all genres of music…the mood I am in or  I want  to be in, or the atmosphere I wish to create dictates what I am listening too.
  96. I hate plucking my eyebrows, it makes my eyes water like crazy, so I just shave them, CAREFULLY.
  97. Over the past 2 years I’ve learned that happiness is the journey, and a decision, not a destination.  No wonder I’m happy.
  98. I love my family something fierce.  I will protect them even if I don’t agree with their choices.
  99. Sometimes I sleep with music on softly on one of the music channels (Sound Scapes), it helps me unwind if I’m stressed out.
  100. This has not even put a scratch in the surface of who I  am….

Fairy Who?

11 Feb

This has been a really busy, trying week.

First – I’ve changed the 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks to simply Reasons Being Single Rocks.  Not that I cannot come up with 365, there are 365 days in a year, 366 this year, and every day I have a reason why I am glad I am single!  But I don’t always have time to post so it’s better to be able to not keep it to a post a day. But don’t worry I have plenty more coming that will likely exceed 365 as time goes on.

That book, Crazy Time, is awesome!  The more I read the more I see how normal I was throughout the entire process, and how I’m not quite at the end of things just yet.  It has been such a help and supportive to me in my decision to not date this whole year.

My car is…well I don’t know to be honest.  At the moment a choice selection of obscenities comes to mind but that won’t fix anything.  And I’m no mechanic.  Seeings as how the ex husband released me to move on to another opportunity*, and I have no desire any longer to pursue another opportunity, my car is going to be sitting there for a bit.  I have no idea what is wrong with it and don’t really have time or the funds at the moment to mess with it.

The auto issue IS a sticky one, as I was about to start working part time an evening or two a week for a friend in their office catching up their filing that is well very behind and some other miscellaneous office work.  As I lack the transportation to get there…yeah. FAIL!  However this simply means the Lord has something better in mind for me so I’m thanking Him now for that lost opportunity and waiting on what He has in store.

Meanwhile I’m waiting for my fangs to grow.  I am having such a difficult time with sleep lately.  I go to bed exhausted, sleep deep, then wake up a few hours later, in the middle of the night, and cannot get back to sleep.  When I finally do drift off I’m not snoozing deeply and wake up over and over every 20 minutes or so.  My sister-in-law, Trina, refers to these as our vampire phases.  If I’m going to go through a vampire phase, then I want my fangs and the very cool, sexy black clothing.  It’s only fair.

My “One Word” for this year is JOY.  Finding JOY in all things, God first and every person and situation in my life.  Believe it or not, I just kinda rolled with it when the car became an issue.  WOW, really? Okay whatever, next!  I amaze even myself at the way I am rolling with the punches.

I signed a new recruit today, that excited me a great deal.  My goal is to have 100 in my first generation of my down-line by the end of this year.  I currently have 14 with this recruit.  28 total in my 3 generations but I want 100 in the first.  It means I have a lot of work to do.  I need to sign 5 recruits per campaign between now and the end of the year, and really more than that as some will drop off.  SO if you are thinking about becoming an Avon representative, now is a great time to contact me!  Even if you are not in the area, I can still sign you up on my team and train you no matter where you are, thanks to technology!

My son is getting married in just over a month, I still have to find a dress (don’t panic anyone, can you say resale shop or rental? yes I mean that).  I have to fund half of the rehearsal dinner too, a little more difficult as I have no sugar daddy but I’ll manage it.  Meanwhile feel free to help a sister out and buy some Avon!  Seriously it does help me a lot.  If you are local (within the 275 loop) I’ll gladly deliver!  Others enjoy the opportunity to shop with me online!  Your business is very much appreciated. 🙂

Has anyone seen my Fairy God-Mother?  She is obviously incompetent and I have her pink slip waiting for her.

Guess if I want something done right, I’m going to have to slap on my tiara and wings and go do it myself! 😉

*I must thank my Avon idol, Lisa Wilber, for that description of divorce, it cracks me up and sounds so much nicer than saying that the *&^%$# booted this princess from the castle.

#34 ~ 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks!

3 Feb

Song Slaughter


Driving down the road, your favorite song comes on.

The S/O changes the channel.

Or worse…

They purposely start singing and CHANGING the lyrics.

They butcher them, purposely, into something insane or obscene.

It sticks in your brain, and every time you hear the song you hear the ‘new’ words in your head.

And they think they are funny.


Don’t screw with a girl’s favorites.

No S/O means NO song slaughter!

Hot Flashes? Marriage? HELL NO!

17 Jan

I’m in like the 3rd week of daily doses of hot flashes.  This sucks.  Really it does.  I love summer, love warm to hot weather.  But walking around in my own mini-tropical climate has got to go.  I keep a hand fan nearby, and when I cannot find it any envelope, folded paper, Avon brochure will due.  Winter and there I sit at my desk, bedroom door closed so I can maintain my personal ice-box, made by opening my bedroom window.  The cats love it, they see it as full theater experience cat-television when they can sit in an open window.  But I think I’ve seen icicles hanging from their whiskers. Knowing my luck they’ll get pneumonia and die and I’ll be left with the guilt.

Thankfully I live with all women because more often than not, when I’m not babysitting, I’m parading around in a sport bra and pajama pants, fanning myself.  A truly magnificent sight, no doubt, especially with the beads of sweat running down the small of my back and between the twins.  I am I’m used to getting these in spurts of a week or two every so often over the years, but this time they seem to have moved in and paid advance rent for a while.  I’d love if I could purchase a few packages, say a years supply, of this mini-heatwave to have the karma bus drop off to all my ex-boyfriends and the ex-husbands.

Today is one of the weird weather days in these parts.  Actually seems weird pretty much all over the midwest.  It is January 17th, when we are supposed to have cold and maybe even snow.  Instead we had thunderstorms and it is 55 degrees outside at the moment.  Instead of blizzard or snow storm warnings, we have flood warnings.  Lovely.  It is NOT cooperating with my need to open the window in an effort to reduce the portable sauna I’m carrying around.

I think there is a conspiracy going on to make me retract my year of no relationships.  A few subtle types have tried to weigh things in their favor with “hey, let’s get some dinner, and a few beers sometime and chat”.  Sly devils, they know my weakness for food and adult beverages.  And then there is one known as Sir Lancelot who has pretty much just parked himself and his horse on the one side of the scale, a scale tipping over achiever.  I haven’t figured out how my granddaughter (well soon to be but to me she is already in my heart, why wait til the wedding?) fits into all this but if I didn’t know better I’d swear someone was slipping her payments to help their case. Today in the kitchen, she gave me a hug and the following conversation ensued:

Ryann:  I love you, grandma Marti

Little Red - full of mischief

Me:  I love you too Red.

Ryann:  You need to get married again.

Me:  Why would that be??? (trying  to mask the horrified look on my face, and shear terror at the word “married”)

Ryann:  Because you need a husband.

Me:  Why do I need a husband?????

Ryann:  Well, because you do, and then I’d have another grandpa!

It is tough but I had to tell her it is most unlikely that is on my horizon.  Not on my current agenda in life, and it requires finding Mr. MaybeRightThisTime and that spells heartache and well I don’t even want to go down that road of thought.  The fact that I have had a recurring dream for the 3rd night in the past week, about the ex-hubster and I reconciling and remarrying did not help her case.  In case you are wondering, hell is more likely to freeze over and the Mayans to be correct that December this year marks the end of the world, than me and the ex ever reconciling.  Once I was set free from that cage that I lived in while married, I REFUSE to ever go back inside.  My ex would not have me as I am, the REAL me, so no worries there folks.  He’ll find a much meaker, mild mannered woman to conform to his mold, and maybe one day I will find my white knight that prefers to enjoy this bird as she is, no clips, no cage.

Meanwhile, I’m just fanning myself and enjoying life as a single chick.  The bright pink one in the midst of the pale yellow ones.  Unique, wacky, quirky, sassy, crazy, nut-case and untamable.  The way I like it.  Marriage?? *shudder* Not likely kiddo, not likely.  I’m scared to death of getting in a relationship again.  Not only because I don’t want to have my heart broken but I’m also afraid of hurting someone else.  Why I’m not sure, as no one keeps me so I’m the one left hurting each time.  The very idea of being married again is enough to cause a panic attack of epic proportions and put me in the hospital.

2012 – The Year Of Embracing ME!

28 Dec


I love ME.

I do not need a relationship.

I am not looking for a relationship.

In fact, I’m looking to avoid a relationship at this point.

2012 – my year of JOY.  And part of that joy is going to be in being single.

One thing I learned after my divorce in 2010, I had lost me in the 22 years of being married.  We ALL do this in relationships.  HOSSO (he or she significant other) doesn’t like our nails with color on, so we get those nails done in a French manicure all of the time.  Those cute little airbrushed designs on the nails? Nope.  Tattoos, what you have is what you get, HOSSO doesn’t want you to get anymore, or maybe doesn’t care for your choice of designs so you don’t get the desired ink.  Feel there are situations where using the word FUCK is appropriate (outside of the bedroom)? HOSSO doesn’t like that word so you just don’t use it.

These are minor things really but over time we all make changes, burying parts of ourselves to please our HOSSO.  I looked in the mirror at the end of the marriage, after moving out, and realized the person looking back at me was a complete stranger.  Oh she looked familiar, but I didn’t really know her anymore.  I had buried so much of myself that I was a screwed up mix of a person that looked like I had melted in the kiln, I wasn’t recognizable any  longer.  Heck maybe that is why the marriage didn’t work out after 22 years, I kept trying to adapt to my HOSSO’s specifications instead of standing up and being ME from day one.

In peeling back those layers to find the real me underneath, I’ve learned a LOT.  Baggage is not a bad thing.  We all have baggage we drag through life.  You know what? I opened mine up and took a long hard look.  I even went as far as to pull out some of the items and put them back ON.  See, every experience in life is in those suitcases we pull along with us. It is who we are and it is not a bad thing to have baggage.  If we dumped it all, then all that is left is the empty shell of the vessel that is us.  The canvas would be white and blank and BORING!  I don’t want to be dull, I want to be ME.  And ME is in all of that baggage.

I’ve decided that in order to really free myself from any remaining layers piled on me, I need to take a year to just enjoy being Marti.  Marvelous, wacky, destined for old maid/crazy cat lady status, MARTI.  For 2012 I do not want a relationship.  I want to enjoy being just me. Not Marti & ______ (fill in the blank with whatever male counter part name).  I want to embrace being the odd woman out, the 5th wheel.  I have plenty of male friends I can go hang with for a football game, a beer, dinner or whatever.  But I do NOT want to date anyone, I don’t want to be known as anyone’s woman, girlfriend, or significant other.  Being single is my CHOICE.  I can have a relationship, long term if I so chose.  But my choice for now is to just be single, sassy, marvelous ME!

I’m going to start a new category and page on my blog, Sassy & Solo – reasons why being single ROCKS.

The Marvelously Sassy One! yes that will be my new, crazy cat lady name.  🙂

The Dating Diaries ~ If You Can’t Handle Me At My Worst…

11 Dec

TheSingleWoman™ – As uncertain as the life of a single girl might be..we make our own rules & answer only to ourselves..& that ROCKS.

The door to the secret garden of my heart is slammed shut and locked.  Yeah, all is not good in paradise today.  And if you know anything about me you know that if you hurt my feelings bad enough, I’m going to completely close up and good luck getting me to open up again.  My heart is a very fragile thing, has been for a few years now and for me to open it to anyone is a huge step for me.  And for anyone to find themselves in possession of a key to the gate of my secret garden, the deep parts of me, the whole of my heart and soul, well use it responsibly because while I do not pick who has that key, fate/chemistry/God does, I do chose who will suddenly find their key no longer works in the lock.

I’m trying very hard not to be irrational, stomping pacing back and forth in front of the gate on the inside of the wall, the temptation to revoke access is definitely there.  Once I revoke it, it is never available again, which is why this Taurian is snorting and stomping fuming and pacing.  I’ve worked hard the past two years, with the help of the meds, to learn to control my reactions and instead of reacting, chose to  respond.

As I have said in my About Me section, I am known for posting things now and then that may be considered inappropriate, or not thinking through things before I hit post/publish.  This is not just on my blog, it goes on Facebook too.  Seems I did that…well okay after further review of the play, the penalty call stands.  I cannot reverse it no matter how many red flags I toss out there on the field.

The post was a video of some of the occupy Wall Street ladies topless, whining and carrying on about the cops telling them to put their shirts back on.  I found it hard to take these idiots seriously when I saw it, so much for being intelligent liberals, obviously you had to resort to displaying your less than impressive rack to gain attention to your cause as no one was paying attention.  And they sure weren’t going to take you seriously now!  But back on track here (love when I hijack my own blog).  I posted that, not thinking about the fact that the Count’s 12yo grandson would see it.  Seems the Count didn’t care for it either.  I thought I had set it so the  children/youngsters on my Facebook didn’t see it, but guess that was an epic FAIL.  I had commented on a photo of a cheerleader with a spot on the crotch of her shorts too, that I thought it was photo shopped.  Because I commented on it, the way Facebook works these days, it showed up in the feeds of my friends.  I didn’t think about that, I’m still adjusting to the changes Facebook made (when will they learn if it isn’t broken don’t fix it?).

Now backing up a tad here, things have been strained between me and the count of late, at least it felt that way.  I knew going into this that this time of year he works, A LOT.  As in he is at work before most of us get out of bed in the morning, and is still working when most of us go to bed at night.  And we’re seeing each other one day a week if that.  But as I said, this I knew so while I am a woman that needs more attention than a random text every day, I was being patient and trying not to complain.  Though I admit I felt like the family pooch given the crumbs brushed off the table after everyone else had their portion of the count’s time.  It’s what you do when you love someone.  And is wasn’t going to last forever, just a few more weeks before things would be normal again.

So, Friday at 9pm I received a text, him venting about work.  I sent multiple texts after that.  Nothing, no response at all.  I had dinner with a very dear friend last night and came home to discover I had been deleted from the Count’s Facebook, and his grandson’s.  No text, email or phone call to explain, just gone.  I texted and got no reply. I called and left a voicemail, nothing.  Now maybe I am not thinking this through clearly (damn muscle relaxers) but when one goes from dozens of texts a day, slowly down to a random ONE most days…it is hard to hold on with that crumb.  Then to go over 24 hours with no communication and to find oneself removed from their significant other’s friends list and their grandson’s.  Well I’m sorry if I jumped to the wrong conclusion after the attempts to communicate from my end, but I assumed the relationship had come to a halt.  Please feel free to point out to me if you think this was not a valid conclusion.

I come to find out, finally after making that assumption in a text in the wee hours of this morning when I couldn’t sleep and asking yet again later at a reasonable hour of the morning when I still had no reply, that he removed me and made the grandson remove me, over that video and the picture.  And now he needs to take a step back and rethink us?

All this could have been avoided with a quick text pointing out the necessary reminder (told ya I don’t think things through all the time) that there is a child on my Facebook and that the items were inappropriate viewing material.  But no, he reacted in anger (he said he was mad over it) and deleted me.

Now, I might be wrong here as I’m stomping through my vegetation tip toeing through the tulips inside the garden here, but when you go from “I love you” and “I miss you” and talking about a future, a business, and a life together, to all of the above….well to ME it sure seems like someone was just looking for an easy way out?  How about just telling me you want out, it isn’t working for you, whatever.  If anyone thinks it hurts less this way well they are quite mistaken.

The  worst part is I find myself repeating dance steps of the past…making excuses for him!  He is working so hard, long hours, is sleep deprived and grumpy and on a short fuse these days….when in fact there is no excuse for treating someone you say you love this way!  Communication is key to any relationship and there was a huge lack of it here.  And I cannot do this again, I’m not going to be an option rather than a priority in anyone’s life.  And I am sure as hell not going to change who and what I am to fit in anyone’s mold.  Been there, done that, and spent a long time  peeling back the layers and rediscovering who I really was and I am NOT going back in a box for anyone.  Take me as I am or don’t take me at all!

In the words of my all time favorite quote and personal mantra:

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”~ Marilyn Monroe

And  honestly, if that is the worst anyone ever has to deal with, my imperfection when it comes to posting stuff now and then that maybe I need to think through, but my best is loyalty, love and total faithfulness and support, then  they should seriously be thankful because I’m one hell of a great package!  If he cannot handle my worst…well as it says, he doesn’t deserve my best.

Which must be evident  to many because the single men are already swarming  like cockroaches when the lights go out, asking for a chance to see if they might hold that key to the garden gate after seeing my relationship status change to single when someone deleted me.

Sorry boys, the marvelous one needs time to let the cracks in her heart heal right now.  😦

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