From The Top Of The Fence

Lately I’ve found myself perched on the fence which runs next to the road of life.  Through sunny days, rainy ones, even some that are cold and snowy, I’m just sitting here on the top, swinging my legs and thinking.  Some times I’m walking down memory lane, remembering the happy and not so happy times in my life.  Other days I am looking with great uncertainty at my future.  Then there are the days I’m just hanging on for dear life hoping not to fall off of this spot on the top rail and land on my tush in the mud puddle on the road side.

The reason I am sitting here is that I’m really uncertain which direction to go at the moment.  So many potential paths meet at this particular point on my life’s map and I just don’t know which one to start down, so I’m doing….nothing.  Wait, not true, I’m doing a lot, just in one place, not going forward down any road, or backward for the matter.  Just existing.

Confused? Me too.

I am at a growth point in my life where I know in my core there is something I am supposed to be doing and learning, right here on the fence….but what?

One of the things I am pondering, is combining my blogs.  While it may cost me some readers, it is too much to manage with my spiritual journey and life blogs.  My faith is part of me.  So, I will likely import it here and you, the faithful readers, can figure out which posts you wish to read from there on your own.

I need to simplify my life and start cutting negative people and forces from my sphere as well.

~*~

I wrote the above portion while eating lunch at work yesterday.  On the drive home I was tapped into my friend/boss, because he shoots straight but does it with the kindest of hearts and best of intentions.  He knows all of my dark secrets, the cracks in my shell, and has seen all the hues of my colorful personality and still loves me.  He has seen me at my worst, and at my best, and both make him laugh out loud.  And when he knows this powder keg personality of mine is in a situation where the potential for a huge explosion of either anger or crazy, over the top insane fun is about to occur, he just says, “Keep your clothes on, Ethel”.  That is my cue to stop, breathe, evaluate and dial down.   Though it isn’t fool-proof, it does have a tendency to cause me to at the least slow down.

So yesterday I picked his brain.  I knew that I have areas I need a little nip & tuck so to speak when it comes to improving me on the inside, I have been very resistant to examining myself.  But sooner or later that little voice gets through my very thick shell and I listen.  You cannot pray for guidance and then ignore it when it starts leaning on the doorbell to your heart.  I asked him some pointed questions about things he has said to me, knowing I was not likely to warmly embrace the answers but if I want honest input he is the one to dish it out, in bite size pieces for me to chew on.

He carefully placed a plank across the mud puddle, then helped me climb down off the fence and we started to walk down the path with the sign that says “needs attention”.  On this path we encountered “drama”.  I hate that word and wanted to turn around and run back to the fence, climb back up and pout.  But I had promised to listen with an open mind and heart, and I did ask for this, after all.  He prefaced what he said by reminding me that when it comes to people he loves and those he employees as his right arm, he doesn’t do dumb and doesn’t do boring.  Poor man, I am anything but boring, and his word, ‘colorful’, doesn’t scratch the surface.   And no I am not dumb, far from it.  I just tend to make poor choices when I’m pissed off.  I ‘react’ rather than think.  Which is what he was getting to with the drama.

He doesn’t think I am a drama queen, just that I tend to be a magnet for drama.  And when it does come my way I have a tendency to grab a stick and stir it up really good.  Oh heck, who am I kidding, I grab the industrial grade blender and set it on high, lid off so the contents go everywhere.  He did note that this only happens when someone hurts me, that it is in raw pain and emotion that I will go for the throat and rip someone’s jugular wide open and then stab them repeatedly while they are bleeding out.  I don’t know when in my life this started, though my childhood was full of being the misfit.  I am a card-carrying member of the Island Of Misfit Toys from “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer”.  I have never felt like I fit in that I can remember.  A person can only take so much being knocked down and picked on before they start lashing out.  I built up the walls around me to protect myself, and behind that tough exterior is a very insecure woman who still hears the voices of her tormentors at times.

The boss heard me described as “emotional” once by the ex, but he prefers to call it passion.  I am very passionate no doubt about it, in every area of my life from love to work to….yeah let’s not go THERE.  And he doesn’t think it is a bad thing at all, says people with passion also have a real heart.  But the passion can over flow the banks of the river of emotion and then the tsunami like damage can be done.  He also pointed out that I cannot change that, it is who and what I am.  BUT I can change how I direct and use that passion.  I don’t always have to flood the land with negative emotion. He has seen the positive emotion over flow and finds it highly amusing and fun to be around- says it is what draws folks to me, because I am full of life and compassion too.  He has helped me more than once (“Keep your clothes on, Ethel”) when what I wanted to do was shred someone verbally and so while it stung to get into this area of my character, I was able to see that I can indeed maintain who I am, not bury or hide my passion, just redirect the currents when negative emotions start the waters rising.

That  “come to Jesus” talk came in handy, and the timing was no doubt Divinely appointed.  See, when I got home last night and settled in after work, I came across a book that was recently published.  Seems the ex-hubster’s new wife is trying her hand at writing.  All in all it was a cute story, but I was cut deep by the ‘character’ of me and how others (ie: my children) view me in her tale.  I was given the name, Zelda.  Sounds like a wicked witch name, and yes I yanked open the broom closet but couldn’t find my magic means of evil transport.  What was written hurt, a LOT.  But with the earlier discussion still warm in my ears, I resisted the urge to write a tell-all book about the ex, “the rest of the story” as Paul Harvey would say, that  would show the world he is less than the stellar, upstanding member of the community that is portrayed in her novel.  Instead, I called the Cowboy and talked to him.  Then I took a deep breath and digested it all.  I have never said an unkind word about her, and I never will.  I don’t know her well, but what I have come to know is a nice person, with a beautiful smile that goes all the way to her eyes.  I’ve tried to do the right thing in any situation where we both were present, even went well beyond that on one occasion and I’d do it again even now.  She only knows the negative and fringe, she doesn’t know ME.  She doesn’t know the me that loved my husband with every fiber of my being, that prayed for him, that was there when he was broken and ugly, that remained faithful and loyal and never spoke an unkind word about him to anyone until we divorced.  The me that still loves him very much and always will.  The me my ex loved and married, had children with, and had a marriage that he said was 90% good.  The me that wanted more than anything to be a stay at home mom, but instead missed my kids growing up years because I had to work to provide for my family when my husband could not.  The me that never gave up on him, but was tossed aside like yesterday’s newspaper by him.  He was my hero.  Once the raw pain subsided, I could be happy for him, and I am, as he seems to have found his soul mate.

I’m so thankful that I didn’t react like I initially felt, but instead dropped the dagger, sat on my pretty little fingers and waited, prayed, cried and waited some more.  The more I did this, the more I decided I rather like “Zelda”, she is someone colorful and wacky, a little looney and far from boring.  In fact, I’m even going to pimp the book:

It is an ebook, available for 99 cents on your Kindle. Click the picture to purchase.

This morning I decided to look up name meanings, and see just what Zelda means.  I like it, and in fact, embrace it, especially after sharing it with someone else who said it fits me rather well.

Your First Name of: Zelda (from the website: http://www.kabalarians.com/cfm/name-meanings.cfm)

  • Your first name of Zelda has given you a responsible, expressive, inspirational, and friendly personality.
  • Expression comes naturally to you and you are rarely at a loss for words; in fact, you have to put forth effort at times to curb an over-active tongue.
  • Self-confidence has made it easy for you to meet people and you are well-liked for your spontaneous, happy ways.
  • You sincerely like people and do not often experience loneliness; your work and home-life are likely filled with association You enjoy music and could have a fine singing voice; however, the study could be somewhat difficult because you do not find it easy to apply yourself to concentrated study for long periods.
  • In this respect, this name is not altogether constructive; it creates a somewhat scattering influence which makes it difficult for you to finish what you start.
  • This name brings disappointments and emotional involvements through being too sympathetic and easily influenced.
  • As a result of your active nature, you have an appetite for quick-energy foods, which you could consume to excess.
  • Health weakness appear as skin conditions, or as ailments relative to the liver.
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Friday Confessional – Zombie Edition

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Once again it is FRIDAY!!!!  That can only mean that it is time once again to sprint on over to the confessional and let the shhhhhh stuff fly!  I’m sure you are chomping at the bit to know what I have to confess this week so let us not dally.

I confess… 

It has been one very busy, overwhelming week at the office.  We have plenty of work coming in so life is good, but the heat is on to learn the ropes of this job.  I can manage an office like a champ, just have to get past the learning curve associated with the industry.  Fortunately I was an office manager for a heating/cooling company and a painting company so I’m familiar with some of it and the subcontractor issues that can arise.  Getting used to a new way to do somethings and multitasking at Olympic gold medal pace and well the marvelous one is marvelously pooped out!  I FEEL like the walking dead by the time I hit the pillows.

My "zombie yourself" photo from Facebook.

My “zombie yourself” photo from Facebook.

I confess… 

I was SO glad to see The Walking Dead return to the weekly line up of shows to watch, but really not happy that Daryl went off with his no good brother and is away from the group.  I certainly hope that the producers and writers do not intend to write him out of the show.  They don’t mind killing off main characters at all, and Daryl is just TOO big a part of the story for me to accept his leaving.  Not to mention he is the eye candy for this chick.

I confess… 

I broke my “no sweets” thing last night at a local fish fry.  I blame my mom, she kept tempting me, saying it was Friday, Lent etc. Only time it will happen. I hope.

I confess… 

I am SO obsessed with Zombies that I signed up to be one in a nearby, “Run For Your Lives” event.  It looks like WAY too much fun not to participate and there is NO way I’d be able to train and be ready for a 5k obstacle course like they do, but someone has to be zombies and chase the runners! Waaahaaahaaaa!!!

I confess… 

I’m late getting to the confessional…again.  Oh well, at least I made it in under the wire!  Have an awesome weekend!

Show Me The Money!!!

In this economy we’re all about trying to trim back the budget and save some money.  And just in case you are wondering, there are only 352 shopping days until Christmas.  You’re welcome.   🙂  Come on, you KNOW I am right, the holidays will come creeping up on us all again and there we are trying to buy gifts we have the money to purchase.  Credit cards are NOT the answer.  So, we have to resort to making things, which is a great solution.  I have no issue with being creative, and making things or giving the gift of time.  I did that this year, as did so many folks I know.  I think those gifts mean more when you give them.  But even gifts we make, they cost money.  I could make everyone a nice blanket but each one is $20-$40 in yarn, and that money isn’t out back growing on a tree!

Saving money toward a goal like the holidays, is a great idea.  However sometimes we can get busy and forget, or we spend the money we intended to put away.  Recently on Facebook this image has been going around, most recently on The Prudent Wife’s page, and I thought it was just brilliant.  The idea is that for 52 weeks, you put $1 for every week it is, into the savings account.  So, week 1, which just ended, I put $1 in my account.  At the end of this week, I’ll put in $2, and so on.  At the end of 52 weeks, there would be $1378 in the account, not counting any interest that builds up.  That right there is one nice chunk of money to be able to spend.  And sure, it will be needed before the 52nd week, but so what, you will still have over $1,000 at your disposal to spend.  Then just repeat next year.  Any money left over, put it in a new account and just LEAVE IT there, or pay off/down one of your bills.

By starting off small and building slowly each week, it will be easy to manage.  No doubt, I’ll quickly notice where I’m spending empty dollars on things I don’t need that could be going into that account, and as I watch the amount rise each week, it will  motivate me to keep on putting it in there.

In addition to this, so that I can actually have the money to put in my account each week, I’ll be more closely watching my purchases as to “want vs. need”.  And I’m making  myself adhere to a 24 hour rule.  If I am out and see something I want, I will wait 24 hours before purchasing it.  Chances are really good that not only will I want it bad enough to go back out and buy it, but I will have lost that initial “OMG I HAVE TO HAVE THIS” desire.  Heck I’ll likely forget about it altogether, which would definitely mean it wasn’t needed.

I do not know where this originated to give them proper credit, but here is the chart.  Happy savings to you!!!

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Friday Confessional

PhotobucketIt is that time again…

I confess…
I am really loving this whole grandma thing.  2 grandchildren, who knew?  LOVING it.

I confess…
It was very nice watching the snow fall the other day, pretty and all wintery like.  Day after Christmas, on my grandson’s birth day, but I’m over the beauty thing now, it can leave.  Sadly it is going to snow some more tonight.  Seriously, where is summer???

I confess…
I had great intentions for the Grown Up Christmas List posts, but then I had to jump on the chance to go to school.  I’m certified now as a CNA but the line of blog postings…well those are not going to get finished this year.  And after the baby being born, I’m just kinda of a big, mushy hot mess right now. 🙂  In a good way of course.

I confess…
While I have not gained any weight over the holidays, I acquired or ‘renewed’ some bad eating habits.  Especially the Grazing Habit, that one where I just nibble all day then think “I didn’t eat a single meal today”.  Nope, more like 18 meals, not one of them ‘square’ unless you can find some nutritional value in Esther Price chocolates and Christmas cookies.

I confess…
I am addicted to yet another game.  My brother and daughter play Plague, Inc. on their phones.  Now I’m doing it too. UGH…but darn it is GOOD.

I confess…
I love my new cell phone.  I was stuck between iPhone and Samsung Galaxy SIII.  My daughter, who had an iPhone, is now a reformed iPhone user, she has the Galaxy SIII.  She loves her phone so I went with it too.  I am very pleased.  My other one is a piece of crap, kept shutting off and rebooting itself all day long.  I came very close to opening up the car window on I275 the last day of classes and tossing it under the wheels of a semi.  The screen is so much larger on this one, I can actually read my Kindle books.  I need a new Kindle, I miss it. Time for the Kindle Fire HD me thinks.

I confess…
I need to get back to regular, daily posts…

#6 ~ My Grown Up Christmas List

6To see the full list click  HERE

#6 ~ My Education Pursuit 

My wish is that this material will come easily to me, and that I can get through the next 2 weeks without issues.  I need this certification and I think I am a good fit for the job and type of work it will allow me to pursue.

I wish for nothing to get in the way of my going and getting my needed education.

 

Day 28 – 30 Days Of Thankfulness 2012

Today I am thankful for family and friends who can fix things.

My laptop is acting up and I fear it is on death’s bed.  My youngest brother is going to come by and check it out and see if he can do anything.  He is very good with fixing and building computers.  Thankfully.

He is also very good at breaking the news to you, when, as he put it, “I think it went to that great silicon graveyard in the sky.”

I have many friends and family members able to fix just about anything or they can recommend a solution.  Even if it is to open up the window and toss it out, or in the case of my car, hope space garbage falls from the sky and lands on it.

Seriously, though, I am fortunate to be surrounded by funny, yet talented individuals.

🙂

Day 17 ~ 30 Days Of Thankfulness 2012

I am thankful for my freedom.  As in being single.

I know that will strike many as rather odd, considering how shattered I was when my marriage ended.

Being single, I’ve learned a lot more about myself than I knew before.  With me being the only primary responsibility and priority, I have had a chance for much reflection on who, what, where, when, why and how regarding myself.  I’ve discovered things about me that I’d totally forgotten.  I can be whoever or whatever pleases me at the moment and don’t have to sleep with or really care one bit about what those who are critical of my choices have to say about it.  I can take risks, explore, etc. the world around me and myself in MY time and do it all my way.  And I can fail at anything and not be criticized by anyone that matters to me.

I know it may sound selfish, but I don’t mean it too.  I think it is very important that we stay in touch with our true, inner self.  Often in a relationship of any great length, we let go of our inner self in order to hang on to the other person, sacrificing who we are to make another happy.  There is much maturity and self awareness that doesn’t usually come along until we have some living under our belts and sadly, most of us don’t have it when we marry young, as I did.  Relationships should be a blending of two people without either giving up who they are or parts of who they are, in order to make things work.  Compromise is fine, but not Photoshopping ourselves.  No one is worth  our priceless self that does not willingly accept what they view as our imperfections.  You want my best, you have to take the worst too.  I’m not a menu.

When the day comes that I get married again, my mate will be getting a far better person than the previous one had.  I know who I am now, and I’m not willing to negotiate me any longer.  And that, for the sake of both parties, will actually be a far better relationship arrangement than I was in before.  It is why more and more I think toward an arranged marriage, not one of someone else establishing for me, but me and the next significant other arranging based first on common sense, logic and reason, then attraction, and then let the love grow from the friendship and fondness.  Frankly I think it will have more staying power.

I’m thankful for the freedom that helped me find me.

Day 15 ~ 30 Days Of Thankfulness 2012

Silly as this may sound, I’m thankful today for Facebook.

My kids are grown, my son is a cop working odd hours, my brothers are both firefighters who work 24 hour shifts, but on different days than each other, and I have more cousins than I can count thanks to huge families on both sides.

Facebook is like a real time newsletter that allows me to keep up with what everyone is doing, see some great (and not so great) jokes, sharing of articles, photos, news etc.  I admit I did not like Facebook when I first got mine, but it grew on me.  I was a Myspace convert.  I’ve since changed Facebook pages as the first one had “fyrwife” in the URL and as that no longer applied I wanted to get rid of it.  I still use it as a side account for playing games when I need to add a bunch of ‘friends’ for my ‘family’ in things like Mafia Wars, or fellow farmers in Farmville2.  I’m a bit more selective as to who I add on my personal account.

Facebook also allows me to have ‘fan’ pages, which I can use for my businesses to promote or offer specials, and one for my blog page followers.

Recently a college student from church even started a page/group for those who wanted to join in a study of the book of Romans, and my church has a page/group as well, allowing me to reach out for or give comfort and encouragement.

But mostly, I’m just thankful for Facebook for the additioinal ways to keep up with my kids, what they are doing, and share some love and laughter.

Tuesday Coffee Chat ~ Lessons Learned

“Lessons Learned” 

What’s the most important lesson you have learned thus far in life? Did you “get it” straight away, or did it take a few tries? Share your wisdom. 

Happiness.

We all want it, we do everything we can think of to have it.

And yet for many, even once they get what they want, they aren’t happy.

Why??

Because it isn’t, as the sign says, a destination, it is very much a way of life.

It is not a lesson I picked up over night.  I have gradually figured it all out as I have matured and grown older.

No person is going to make me happy.  I’ve been married twice now, the first time just a few years, the second 22 years.  In that second marriage, despite my husband’s faults (believe me there were many and some glaring!), I made the choice to love him when he was not a lovable guy, and to stick it out.  I chose to be happy.  Funny thing, when I made a decision to love him and be happy, I was!  In my mind he was the end all of men because that was for me what I believed my spouse should be.  And I was blindly and blissfully happy because I decided to be.  Sadly it did not go both ways.

When I ended up getting divorced because he wanted out, it about destroyed me emotionally and mentally.  I have struggled to come to grips with how anyone can boot someone out of their life that stood by them when they were one ugly, mean S.O.B. and carried the weight of the world on her shoulders when he could not.  How when it came time to roll up the sleeves and dig his heels in for me, he bailed.  But in all that mental and emotional train wreckage I made the decision to be HAPPY!  Every morning I crawled out of bed and put a smile on my face and told myself it was the best day EVER and that I was HAPPY!  And you know what? I WAS!  It didn’t mean that being tossed aside didn’t hurt, and it didn’t mean that there weren’t days I behaved like a horse’s ass through the divorce and immediately afterward.  But I still kept telling myself that I was happy and went about life doing things that I enjoyed and made me happy.

It is why I know that I don’t need another person in my life or lots of things to make me happy.  I’m flying this life plane solo and I don’t really have much in the way of possessions.  My happiness comes from inside.  Some days it is a bit more effort that must be put forth to put on my happy face, and there are days when I slip into a funk and might even hop on my blog and lash out irrationally.  But whatever splinter made its way in to cause that, I work quickly to dig it out and be happy again.  That decision is the seed that takes root that morning and before long I’m singing (not too loudly so as not to scare anyone) and dancing (like no one is watching) and I am HAPPY!

My happiness is my responsibility, and it is all part of the journey, not the end destination.

*To link up and join the chat and share your lessons learned, click the coffee cup icon above*