You Just Can’t Make This Sh*t Up!

YCMTUTAs you may know, I have this adorable little Yorkie.  Except that she really isn’t so little.  Around 9 or so pounds, which is a bit over weight for her but not much.  She is 11 years old, pushing 12, and she has spent the better part of her entire existence with her nose to the floor in search of food.  She is the most food motivated dog I have ever seen.  I’ve often said if you split open a 25 pound bag of dog food on the floor she’d eat until she split wide open like a bratwurst on the grill.  It’s really kind of pathetic.  Hence she lives with me because isn’t that par for the course with my life?

So, in constantly eating from the floor she not only consumes every crumb she finds but a few stray dust bunnies and some hair now and then.  Gross I know but wait, there is more.  Same dog once ate a $5 bill right from my daughter’s purse.  While standing in the yard with my son he happened to look down and said, “is that money in Penny’s poop??”  and grabbing a stick he sought to answer his question.  Once he realized it was indeed cash, and not just a $1, but a $5 note, he got a plastic baggie, turned it inside out and retrieved the poo covered cash.  He then said if his sister, who was working in a Veterinarian’s office, wasn’t going to clean it up and take it to the bank to exchange it, he would.   I took it to his sister, she did in fact wash, sanitize and then take it to the bank.  Said dog had surgery once to remove toe nail clippings, a bread twist tie, a cigarette butt and a piece of wood that we think was one of those Dent-a-sticks, all in there together thanks to the twist tie blocking her passage from her stomach.  Isn’t she great?

This morning I let the doggie out, stand on the deck while she goes, and notice she seems to be having some issues.  She had squatted, piddled, then found a new place to drop her load, but she was moving about in that position.  As she was scooting around I realized that about 3 inches behind her was a turd, following her.  It was this that she was trying to get rid of, no doubt it had one of my nieces long, bleached blond hairs in it and the other end of the strand was still in the pooch’s tush.  You could not see the strand, only the turd following her around like she had told it to ‘heel’ and being an obedient pet (something this dog knows nothing about mind you), it was sticking to her, nearly literally.  By the time I retrieved a napkin to unleash her new found follower, she had managed to catch it on something and break it’s hold.

You just can’t make this sh*t up.  Well maybe you could but really, why would you?

 

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Unlocking The Mental Gates: My Dog Pooped At Work

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAToday’s Writing 101 assignment is to just unlock my mind and let it flow for 20 minutes.

Unlocking this brain and letting things just pour out is one rather scary proposition.  You just never know what it is that I might say.  Pardon the typos, if any, as I’m not supposed to worry about that, just hit the keys and let it all hang out.

Recently I found myself out of a job and decided that I would embrace my ‘hobby’ and make it a full time job.  Many a brave man and woman have gone before me and turned their hobby of selling Avon into a full time job, and hence they make 6 figure incomes.  At one time I would have thought this was crazy but I actually KNOW some of them and they are not anything out of the ordinary.  Just regular Joe and Jane types but they are making way more money at this than I was making in an office behind a desk in a very cool, pink office.  Hey, it’s my favorite color and the boss let me have whatever color made me happy so it was BRIGHT pink.  With black furniture and a zebra striped lamp.  Sadly that came to an end recently and now my office is…well wherever I happen to feel like camping around the house.

There really is an Avon office in the Diva Den but I don’t feel like running from the lowest level of this 2500 square foot quad to the printer, located far away from there so I land myself at the kitchen table close to the coffee maker.  This is only my second week at this but I’m rather enjoying it even if it is hard work.  Today was no exception.

I loaded up my car with brochures in their hanger bags, put my old lady style grocer cart in the back seat (you know those kind that old ladies pull to and from the market when they walk? Yep one of those), loaded the dog in the car and headed out.  I figured taking the pup along would kill two birds with one stone, walk her and get my brochures out in one amazing act!  The dog is a very protective, 11 year old Yorkie named Penny.  If you know my dog, and the way my crazy life goes, then it should be writing on the wall.  But it wasn’t because sometimes I just don’t think things through like I should.  I would blame this on the blonde hair but currently I am sporting the artificial intelligence of auburn locks and have to at least act like I have it together.  Don’t be fooled. 😉

Running shoes for support as I walked the streets, jeans, a bright pink Avon shirt, sun glasses, my cart loaded with a big box of brochures, and my dog attached to the cart by her leash, I headed down the first street.  At each driveway I pulled out a brochure and headed to the front door to hang it on the door handle while Penny, who is attached to the cart, barks her fool head off.  This is not acceptable at 9:30am.  Heck who am I kidding this is simply unacceptable any time!  But maybe, I’m thinking, she will calm herself down as she catches on that she is guarding the cart for mama while I hike up steps, steep driveways, around stray cats and sprinklers, and dodge discarded skate boards.  About every other house we passed Penny felt the need to stop and send pee-mail which was slowing me down even more than tripping over her as she tried to hurry things along in our walk.

And then, while we are working our business of distributing brochures, she stops and drops a poop bomb.  I am a responsible dog owner so of course I am armed with little bags for picking up her downloads, but after this begins to repeat itself, and the barking is going on every 30 feet, mama has reached the end of her patience.  Oh and of course the lawns are covered in dew so my little dog is now soaking wet, barking, pee-mailing like it’s her job, and pooping every few houses.  My patience hit its limits.  Turning around I headed back to my car after only 25 houses, loaded up the sopping wet pooch, box, cart and headed home.  She got left behind in the house and I picked a new neighborhood to canvas for another 150 homes.  Hey, I have some pride, I’ll go back to the other one in 2 weeks and by then maybe some other crazy looking red head will have caught their fancy and they will forget about the freak with the hyperactive, turbo-crapping Yorkie.

All told I put out 175 brochures today, wrote a newsletter with some customer specials I’m offering, encouraged my team via text, booked a vendor show, made up some sample packed brochures for folks I actually will speak too, and watched an educational video.  I’m sore from all that hiking (there needs to be a law about hilly neighborhoods and steep driveways and lots of steps to climb), but I figure the exercise is just a serious fringe benefit to my job.

Now?  Time for a cold beer and a good book, my jammies and a scented candle.

For the next few weeks most days will be a 2-fer of blog posts as I’m taking part in a blogging 101 and a writing 101 course.  Double the fun!

 

Over Night Notes To Self

I am keeping my daughter’s dog, a 7.5 pound, 6 year old Yorkie, while she is  in Florida.  Yesterday was the puppy’s first full day here in the Princess Palace, and last night the second over night, just to set the stage.

NOTE #1 To Self: The doggie will eat the cat’s food, wet or dry, if left unattended.

NOTE #2 To Self: Sometimes a quiet doggie isn’t depressed  and missing her owner, it COULD mean she isn’t feeling so good.

 

The 7.5 pound cat food eating doggie

 

NOTE #3 To Self: If,  at 2am, the doggie suddenly jumps  off  of your bed and is crying at  your bedroom door, it might not be because the big cat is on the other side or the doggie is bored, it might mean she really does have to go outside,  NOW, even though she went right before we went night-night.

NOTE #4 To Self: If you ignore note #3,  the doggie WILL poop on your bedroom floor.   Nasty, smelly, cat-food poop that is soft.

NOTE #5 To Self: It is  NO fun to clean up the doggie poop that has been mentioned in Note #4, at 2:30am,  if  you have ignored Note #3 which resulted in Note #4.

NOTE #6 To Self: At 4am it is indeed wise to run for the nearest  exit to the backyard  if Note #3 is repeated at any time during the rest of the night.

NOTE #7 To Self: Note #3 can and will  be repeated many more times through the wee  hours of the morning until the  doggie has purged her system  of the cat food.

NOTE #8 To Self: Never ever again leave the doggie and the cat’s food unattended, and threaten all who offer the doggie a kitty cat treat with certain death.