My Cat Is Getting Married Next Week

1a79c829e5af7f3d6217f0a493e77d8fWell okay she isn’t really getting married, but I was at an extreme lack of creativity when it came to a blog title today so that is what I came up with, don’t judge.

Creatively I’m just blank, flat lined, nada.  Not sure what is up other than I think I’m still just exhausted from work.  Pulling 6 days in one week, 12.5 hour shifts, and a week later I’m almost recovered.  Mind you I’ve since worked 3 more such shifts but at least it was only what I was assigned, my normal hours. No OT this week, just wasn’t up to it.

Baby watch has started officially, as my daughter is crampy, lost her plug and is about 3cm dilated.  Doc says any time is good and could happen.  Well doc you are wrong, the next 2 days this Nana works and so grand baby #5 must wait until Wednesday, and at that point has 3 days he can arrive, before Nana works the weekend.  Hopefully the baby got the memo.

My Henrietta is not running today.  I fear a fuel pump issue and hope that is covered under warranty.  Not sure and thankfully have enough cars in this house to still have a way to get to work and back.  But I hate not having my baby, and had to have my son pick me up for church.  Thankfully we all go to the same place!

The message this morning was a great one on marriage, the covenant that it is, and something the pastor said really impacted me.  He talked about how two becoming one flesh is not just at the physical level, but it is deeply spiritual as well.  This is why, he said, many still feel a pull toward their ex.  I get that.  It is why it is so devastating and why I think I’ve never quite gotten over it.  My soul is still and forever linked to my ex-husband and in God’s eyes we are still one despite the courts ‘ending’ it.  In God’s realm it isn’t over.  I also think this is why I don’t ever feel ‘right’ in any relationship at a deep level, my faith gets in the way of that.  My faith was very much a part of me even when the hubster and I had fallen far from the path, and deep down those vows were to God more than my ex.  Now, when I try to love another man and be his, it doesn’t work well for me because on a spiritual level it isn’t right in my mind.  I think it is likely I will never marry again because I had come into a relationship with Christ after my first marriage and know in the core of my soul that divorce is wrong wrong wrong in God’s eyes.  It cannot now ever be changed as the ex remarried.  And me?  Well I just don’t know that I can ever honestly make that covenant again with another man, it simply wouldn’t be right.  I’m rather thankful that one isn’t on my head as God takes the breaking of covenants very seriously.  I recommend this message once Crossroads.net puts it up, for anyone married, thinking of marriage, or contemplating divorce.  It was rather freeing though for me, to realize that may be the very reason I simply cannot find it in me to be joined to someone else.  I try, and my heart wants what it wants, but the heart is deceptive and it just never quite fits.  I’ve been the one to end 4 serious relationships since getting divorced, which tells me a lot.  I’ve not given up that God may bring one to me, but I’m not going looking anymore.  He has given me a lot to do for now, and a relationship wouldn’t bode well with all of that.

My job is one area I know that He has planted me for a purpose.  I never would have guessed that changing dirty diapers and feeding older adults could be such, but it is a ministry and I love it.  Some days I do wonder if God realizes that I am 52 years old and this is really a difficult job physically for an old chick like myself, but it is getting a bit easier.  I’ve lost 11 pounds over the past 6 weeks so I can see where it is physically a good thing for me.  It is also emotional.  I have one of my own residents on hospice now, which is hard for me.  I love this resident, and it breaks my heart to see said soul giving up.  It is also hard to look at my 9 people and realize that some are in their 90s and this time next year 3 or 4 of them may not be here anymore.  It is possible to do the job and not get attached but not sure how those aides do it.  I am very attached to them and cannot imagine them not there to care for each week.

As my body and mind are adjusting I’m getting closer to a balance of life in the nursing home and outside.  My Avon business needs a serious shot in the butt, however I just didn’t have the energy.  It has had to be one or the other, and since one is bringing in a bit more money and has medical benefits, that got priority.  I hate it.  This week is mapped out to get Avon back on track.

That goes for writing my blog posts too, which is why it has been over 2 weeks since the Marvelous one posted.  Not that I haven’t started any number of them, but just couldn’t finish before I decided to go to sleep.  I’m working on that as well, as writing is therapy for me.  I don’t need to tell you that my novels are on hold and will be for a bit.  I do have a new twist to add though so stay tuned they will be out eventually.

Farmville 2 has kept me sane, though I admit to thinking “crap forgot to harvest the green beans” when headed to a resident room after morning report.  Sad I know, but it is mindless and helps me unwind after a long day.  I also have my blog about my job, The CNA Life, but haven’t written much there yet.  🙂   I will!

Okay off to grab a glass of wine and relax, maybe work on my planner decorating a bit, then it will be time to board the Dreamland Express and get some sleep.  Praying for this week to smooth out and all things I’ve left in God’s hands to be handled…well that I won’t try to pull them back and just let Him answer those prayers.

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#4 ~ My Grown Up Christmas List

4To see the full list click  HERE

#4 ~ My Ex-Husband

This wish is for my ex, Pete.  We were married just under 22 years before the divorce was final.

My wish is 2 fold really.

The first part is that the day will come when he can forgive whatever perceived wrongs he feels I’ve done, and that for the sake of our children we could be around each other in some form of harmony.  I’ve long ago forgiven him for those things I felt he did to me and pray the same may come my way from him.

He is a good man, was a good husband and a fantastic dad.  We were pretty much as close to oil and water as it can get as far as personalities.   I have a multitude of very happy memories from our marriage, and while losing him was incredibly painful, as the song says, “I could have missed the pain, but I’d have to miss the dance” and for all the good memories I have in my heart to treasure, that pain was worth it.

The second part is for his new marriage.  He is getting married next week to a very wonderful woman who is beautiful inside and out.  I really do in all sincerity wish them a very happy, joy filled marriage that lasts the rest of their lives.  I hope and pray (yes really do pray for them) to be showered with many blessings and good things in the years to come.

10 Things I’ve Learned In 2012

10 Things I’ve Learned This Year

(to participate click the icon above!)

  1. Sometimes people are going to let me down, take sides in something that is none of their concern (like my divorce), because they are closer to the other person.  They may say things at the time that are hurtful and even mean where I’m concerned.  They may never come get  my side of the story.  But it’s okay to forgive them, because forgiveness isn’t about them, it’s about me.  Me healing, me getting rid of that little seed that grows bitterness and isolation from folks that would otherwise love me.  And in the end, maybe, just maybe, their comments and criticisms were  justified, as my actions or behavior at times might have been less than what it should have been.  Perhaps I brought it on myself, perhaps not.  Either way, I cannot expect perfection from anyone until I myself am perfect.  And that work is still in progress. Continue reading

Tuesday Coffee Chat ~ Lessons Learned

“Lessons Learned” 

What’s the most important lesson you have learned thus far in life? Did you “get it” straight away, or did it take a few tries? Share your wisdom. 

Happiness.

We all want it, we do everything we can think of to have it.

And yet for many, even once they get what they want, they aren’t happy.

Why??

Because it isn’t, as the sign says, a destination, it is very much a way of life.

It is not a lesson I picked up over night.  I have gradually figured it all out as I have matured and grown older.

No person is going to make me happy.  I’ve been married twice now, the first time just a few years, the second 22 years.  In that second marriage, despite my husband’s faults (believe me there were many and some glaring!), I made the choice to love him when he was not a lovable guy, and to stick it out.  I chose to be happy.  Funny thing, when I made a decision to love him and be happy, I was!  In my mind he was the end all of men because that was for me what I believed my spouse should be.  And I was blindly and blissfully happy because I decided to be.  Sadly it did not go both ways.

When I ended up getting divorced because he wanted out, it about destroyed me emotionally and mentally.  I have struggled to come to grips with how anyone can boot someone out of their life that stood by them when they were one ugly, mean S.O.B. and carried the weight of the world on her shoulders when he could not.  How when it came time to roll up the sleeves and dig his heels in for me, he bailed.  But in all that mental and emotional train wreckage I made the decision to be HAPPY!  Every morning I crawled out of bed and put a smile on my face and told myself it was the best day EVER and that I was HAPPY!  And you know what? I WAS!  It didn’t mean that being tossed aside didn’t hurt, and it didn’t mean that there weren’t days I behaved like a horse’s ass through the divorce and immediately afterward.  But I still kept telling myself that I was happy and went about life doing things that I enjoyed and made me happy.

It is why I know that I don’t need another person in my life or lots of things to make me happy.  I’m flying this life plane solo and I don’t really have much in the way of possessions.  My happiness comes from inside.  Some days it is a bit more effort that must be put forth to put on my happy face, and there are days when I slip into a funk and might even hop on my blog and lash out irrationally.  But whatever splinter made its way in to cause that, I work quickly to dig it out and be happy again.  That decision is the seed that takes root that morning and before long I’m singing (not too loudly so as not to scare anyone) and dancing (like no one is watching) and I am HAPPY!

My happiness is my responsibility, and it is all part of the journey, not the end destination.

*To link up and join the chat and share your lessons learned, click the coffee cup icon above*

Me, Heaven, & Righteousness

I recently began a fantastic bible study written by Kay Arthur, Lord, Only You Can Change Me.

I picked this study because it is one of Kay’s studies, and ALL over her books, studies, etc. are outstanding.  Another reason is because I’ve been trying to get myself back to the right path in my life.  One that is Christ honoring and not so self centered.

One of the first things this study does is to take the reader through the Sermon On The Mount, reading all of Matthew chapters 5-7.  Then going back and marking each reference to ‘heaven’ and ‘righteousness’ throughout those passages.  Next, going through and listing the verse reference and what it says about heaven, then the same for righteousness.  If you are having any doubts  about your own position in on your journey toward the pearly gates, this is a good place to start.  It is an eye opener.

Here are some of the things I learned about heaven:

It belongs to the  poor inspirit.

It belongs to those persecuted for righteousness.

Our Father is there.

Until it passes away none of the law will pass away.

Unless our righteousness surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees we won’t enter the kingdom of Heaven.

Our Father there is perfect and we are to be perfect.

God’s will is done there.

Not all who call out “Lord, Lord” will enter there.

Only those who do God’s will can enter.

Our forgiveness from our Father hinges upon our forgiveness of others.

There were many other things, if you mark the word ‘heaven’ then go back and list everything these chapters say about it, but that gives you an idea.

The list for righteousness was a real eye opener as well.  One of the biggest being we must SEEK it.  That was my “one word” last year.  I fell rather short on SEEKING most anything I needed when it came to my journey.  Praise the Lord for His forgiveness.

While going through these passages for this study I did note that I have the following passage highlighted in every bible I own, and I had underlined verse 44 in addition to the highlights.

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor[a] and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you,[b] 45 that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you greet your brethren[c] only, what do you do more than others?Do not even the tax collectors[d] do so? 48 Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.

For the record, the red highlight above (my doing) is the verse I underlined.  This one is a place I fall very short.

I wonder about where my heart might be today had I stayed more grounded in the Word of God and not allowed myself to move away from what I knew deep down was right.  Would I still be married? Or how much faster would I have healed (still in that process) if I had clung to God’s Word when going through the divorce and afterward?  I can honestly say I did NOT love my ex-husband through that time, certainly did not bless him or do good by him.  For the first time in our history I said unkind things.  Throughout our marriage, when outside of our home, I never spoke ill of the man.  But once he sought a divorce and I had moved out, I let it fly with both  barrels in my other blog and to anyone that listened.  I turned my hurt into hate.  And because I could not begin to pray good things for him, I simply didn’t pray at all.  No, not blaming him for my failure to live a Christ like life, that is all on me.  I’m not responsible for his actions, only my own.

Another section that really bothers me when I read it, is Matthew 5:31-32.

31 “Furthermore it has been said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality[a] causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.

I don’t know where to go with this one.  I struggled with it when my first marriage ended, and even more so now.  Not having been the one that ended the marriage, where does it leave me?  Per the passage it causes me to commit adultery because he divorced me.  Does this mean that blame, that sin, is on his head and not mine?  And what of a future marriage…if I marry again it causes someone to commit adultery.  It is a messy business, this whole matter of divorce.  I understand now why the bible says that God hates divorce.  It causes ripples of pain, confusion and further sins in the lives not only of the one wanting out, but for the one left behind too. (For more about this topic see Matthew 19:3-9)

I’m a long way from that place, but I have a long way to go.  I’m past the meanness in my heart and soul, the hate, but the pain is still there, my heart very raw.  But I will be applying scripture to my life in this and every other area, and praying for ME to be the one changed.

T.G.I.F.F. Musings

Thank God It’s Finally Friday!!!!

It has been a LONG week.  To bed late (because even at nearly 49yo I am not a responsible adult), up early, and now walking 2 miles every evening or first thing in the morning.   The alarm went off this morning and I couldn’t figure out how to turn it off at first.  I’m SO glad I can go to be early tonight.  I won’t but I’m glad that I can!  I can sleep in tomorrow too, then the day is filled with pictures then the wedding of my son.  I am SO excited.  But first I need coffee.  LOTS of coffee.  I’m ready to sleep today whenever the baby naps.

I keep seeing something on various Facebook status updates that just bugs the crap out of me.  “My man completes me” or “my children complete me”.  EXCUSE ME, WTF?  NO one completes us, ladies!  We are complete all on our own.  No man or child makes you more complete.  If that is the case everyone out there minus a significant other and children is going through life an incomplete person.  I’m calling bulls**t!  Before you freak out let me explain.

Marvelous Marti was a complete person the day she was born.  Throughout my life everyone, and every experience that has crossed my path and touched my life has in some way tweaked who I am, fine tuned me.  They have brought out either my best or my worst, but in no way are any one of them the missing piece of me.  I’m whole all on my own.

People and experiences can expose the cracks in our souls, or even cause those cracks.  Depending on the degree of influence we allow them to have in our lives will depend on how much of our not so pretty sides gets seen, or how large the cracks they leave.  Sometimes they leave a gaping hole there, but it is nothing that cannot be repaired.   Or they can expose the beautiful parts of us and make those parts shine through. Good or bad, they help us to grow, but they do not in anyway complete the package.  They compliment or clash against us.

When we grow through the people and events in our lives, the growth is from inside, parts of us we may not have known we even possessed.  Deep inside is exactly what we need, when we need it, it is a matter of tapping into it.  A good example is when my ex-husband nearly died several times during our marriage after major surgeries.  Those times are when I discovered that inner strength was always there, I had just never needed it on that level before then.  Yes, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, but only in the sense that like muscles being worked out gain strength, our inner courage and strength grow under hardship.  The muscles were there, we just build them up when we workout.  The strength we need is there, but until it needs to be flexed, we are unaware of it.

Last night, while at my son’s wedding rehearsal and dinner, I had a chance to sit back and really observe the man I was married to for 22 years, with eyes of indifference now that I’ve moved past the trauma of the end of that relationship, and with so much more knowledge of life and myself.  When my ex wanted a divorce it shattered my world, my heart, and left a hole the size of Texas.  But I was not suddenly ‘incomplete’ without him.  I thought he was my soul mate, the love of my life.  I realize now that there are many ‘soul mates’ out there, and sometimes we encounter people that their soul literally touches ours.  They look into our eyes and SEE into our heart and soul.  Theirs are open to us in those moments as well.  Those are soul mates.  My heart and soul were open to my ex, but he chose to never really look inside to find the treasure of who I am, to share in the marvelous riches of this woman.  And he kept me locked out of his.  I’d see glimpses now and then but he never allowed himself to be vulnerable and let me in.  His inner child is shattered, tortured and needs healing, IMHO.  I was not to be the one to fill those cracks with love, was never permitted to run my fingers through his soul and really FEEL who he was, and he certainly never made an effort to touch mine no matter how open it was for him.

After the divorce I felt that mutual soul ‘connection’ for the first time, and allowed someone to hold and examine my heart and soul, to understand me.  While it didn’t last, it was a beautiful thing to have someone touch that part of me, to love me despite every imperfection, to feel that my imperfections and flaws are a priceless piece of me.  I will  never again commit my life to someone that doesn’t want to run their fingers through my soul and know me, and that will not allow me to do the same with them.

My own inner child has known great pain and shattered dreams, to the point that it even hurt to breathe.  But in order to heal I’ve had to let her out to play, allow her run through the meadows now and then, chase butterflies and when needed, allowed love to creep in and fill the cracks.  Those who have been granted my vulnerability so that they could really know me have helped that healing by covering me in love.  Loving and being loved helps the healing process.  It doesn’t make us who we are, it helps us, like an antibiotic for the infection that is causing our pain, we use it to fight the contagion of broken dreams.  Scars are left behind  where  the cracks and holes once were, some are tender, but the wounds themselves are gone.

I will love deeply again, someone who can hold me when I’m most unlovable, and when I least deserve it. A soul mate who accepts my countless faults and can love those parts of me as much as they love the rest of who I am.  They will compliment me, but no one can ever complete me except for me.

On Your Mark, Get Set….Naaaa…

Coming out of the ‘crazy time’, per the book I was reading and have referenced in previous blogs, I thought perhaps I was finally ready to try out relationships again.  By that I mean relationships now that I’ve gotten past the rebound, and the nice-guy-darn-he-is-married, and last but not least, to borrow the Super Hero’s term, the bat-shit crazy (ie: The Count) guy.  Having gone through my various stages of grief of my marriage, the wacked out crazy time stuff, and the relationships mentioned, I thought MAYBE I was ready to find Mr. Right.

I was Miss WRONG!

It isn’t that I don’t want to be special to someone, or have someone special in my life.  But I’m not craving that either.  It certainly sounds nice and all, but….

Getting hurt does not concern me, pain is a part of life.  You cannot love and expect to go without being hurt.  I’ve had my heart broken plenty of times, some just cracks, and obviously the ex husband completely shattered it.  But I am healed and I know that it is likely that it will be broken again.  That doesn’t ‘scare’ me.  What I am fearful of is hurting someone else.  I do not ever want to cause that kind of pain to another human being.  I hurt just to breathe when my marriage ended.  Thinking hurt, being asleep hurt, being awake hurt.  I was half out of my mind in pain I never imagined was possible.  It was like a death, I went through the various stages…but this is worse. It is far worse to see him with someone else when he was the center of my world.  I will never stop loving him.  No, it is not the same by any stretch, but it is still more painful than I could ever have imagined.  When I said “I do” I meant for life, forever, and nothing  could have prepared me for the raw pain of being rejected by him.  Yes, I did indeed dance on the edge of insanity.  I see that now.  I stopped crying long ago, and can now, because I do love him, really FEEL happy for him that he has found someone to make him happy.  But knowing what that did to me makes it hard for me to imagine allowing myself to ever love or be loved like that.  I cannot begin to fathom hurting another person that way.

Superhero, Mr. Wonderful, and The Count all were a huge part of the healing process that I now can see as I look back.  But they were not my forever love.  The first two, once they moved through their own crazy times, well I’d not turn them down, The Count is the only one I know for sure is a no-way-in-hell potential.  He is potential hell on this earth, and a totally dodged bullet that I was too stupid and blind to see, but the other two, well the timing was just all wrong.  Who knows what another place in time might have been?  I remain friends with them both and would have their back without a second thought.

But back to the topic at hand…I thought I was ready to go forward. Even had a potential, let’s see where it goes and just let it unfold type relationship.  But I cannot bring myself to go there.

I want to stand completely on my own. Be my own person, financially, mentally and emotionally independent.  I want to make all of my own decisions, come and go as I please, answer to no one but myself.  I want to pursue my faith and get back where I belong there, I want to go places, see things, do things that I want to do.   I don’t want to worry if it is going to upset someone else if I jump on the back of Mr. Wonderful’s bike and we head out for a few hours to let the stress blow off.  Or have to cover if I chose to go spend the night sleeping next to someone that makes me feel safe and secure, who holds me and touches me like I’m special to them.  I don’t want anyone to even ask where I was, or who I was with, or where I am going or why.

I don’t want to hide from love or run from it, I don’t want to look for it.  I don’t want to be IN it.

I just, for once in  my life, want to be ME.  No more  (fill in the blank) and Marti.  I just want to be MARTI.  Marvelous, crazy, quirky, fun, happy 99.9% of the time, maybe once in a blue moon sad, sometimes a few pounds over  my ideal weight, sometimes a few more than that but never with anyone’s critique, spontaneous, predictable, perfectly imperfect ME.  The only engine running on this race track, the only act in this circus, being MINE.  No risking anyone’s heart including my own.  Just LIVING.

Crazy Vindication!!!

Yesterday I wrote some about a book I’m reading, Crazy Time – Surviving Divorce and Building A New Life.  It IS a fantastic book.  The book goes into the unspoken, marriage contract all people make, as to who will be the dominant and who will be the submissive in the relationship.  The problem comes when things deadlock and there is no seesaw of that dominance.  Seems most never realize that is the issue.

It is not to be mistaken for CONTROL.  I openly admit I was the more dominant person in my second marriage, most likely because my ex was used to a very strong mother so he was seeking, unconsciously, a strong woman in a wife.  Guess he got more than he bargained for, as he is a bit of a control freak.  But that is how he survived his mother, a familiar dance to him in life so I guess that is why he sought out me.  I was definitely more dominant but he held the control.  He controlled the money, insisted on a clean home with a place for everything and everything in its place.  His way was the ‘correct’ way to clean the bathroom, etc, regardless of the outcome being the same no matter what method was used to achieve it.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking this in that it worked for us.  Trust me, you could eat off our garage floor if that was your desire, the man was wicked awesome when it came to neat, clean and tidy.  But what did not work was the deadlock in our relationship over time with no give on EITHER side of the equation.  I am painted the bad guy, the cause of the divorce (never mind it takes 2 to make it work or fail), but I have big shoulders and the more I learn about me, the more I am more than willing to carry that blame.  I have strong shoulders and  not denying my part  in it all.

The great part about the book is it points out, there is no ‘blame’,  no assholes, no bitches.  Reality is it deadlocks and it is a rare couple that seems to adjust the dominance between them as needed.  As  couples grow and change the distribution of the dominance never changes and that is the issue when it all fails.  Neither side is able to adjust for the growth.  Especially the dominant partner, they don’t handle the other person changing on them very well.  And that would be me.  I did not handle the growth and changes in my husband at all.  Oh I wish I had known of this book when I got married, might have saved the relationship.

But that is not the topic I wanted to talk about today.  I want to talk about the MAIN focus of this book, the ‘crazy time’ both sides will go through after the marriage is over.  It starts at the the time of separation and typically, per countless therapists, lasts around 2 years.  Crazy time is just that, CRAZY!

Dominant folks like myself get very angry and are subject to bizarre behavior.  We are in complete denial that there was something wrong with the marriage and the divorce takes us completely by surprise.  The other party, the submissive, has been plotting and planning, building up strength for some time, to exit the marriage.   Often it is associated with an affair, called “the marriage breaking affair”.  The dominant may never know about the affair, but it is the betrayal that is the beginning of the split.  The cheater is building up their strength through an outside source, to pack it up and end the marriage. When they finally end the marriage, at the confrontation, the dominant person is caught off guard.  And believe me this is all a script for things with my marriage.  I did not see this coming at all.  The final two years were the best it had ever been in my opinion.  Far less fighting and tension.  Then again, the ‘submissive’ partner was taking on more and more hours at the firehouse and more landscaping accounts.  I now understand it was to be away from me so he could prepare to end things, and that is why it was quieter.  I cannot find fault in him for that, he had no idea how to adjust things either!  I had lost my job and the final 2 years I was unemployed.  I changed and he couldn’t handle the person I became as I mourned the loss of my job.  Losing a job, especially one you were at a long time (26yrs for me) is like a death.  You go through all the same stages of grief and I was busy doing just that.  As I was coming out of that 2 year crazy time, I got slapped with the divorce and got to go through the whole ‘death’ thing all over again.  It’s a wonder I didn’t act on the fantasies of running his ass over!

Being dominant means denial at first.  Then the anger sets in accompanied by bizarre behavior.   Some even carry it too far and that is when the dominant partner might go as far as to kill their ex.  Most never carry out their vivid fantasies of revenge, but seems some will.  However the feelings and frustrations, the desire to ruin the other party, is perfectly normal.  And the off the wall behavior, like lashing out irrationally in my blog, or getting totally plowed drunk with my son, was completely ordinary.  Submissives go through that strange behavior too, doing things they never really did before.  My ex played soccer all of a sudden with the girl I believe was the marriage breaking affair, if not physically at least on heart and mind level.  In 23 years together, 22 of those married, he had never expressed any desire to play soccer.  I wasn’t there to see it but I’ve heard he did his share of ‘crazy’ stuff too.  More power to him.  We were being ‘normal’.  He  didn’t care for my insanity and made that known and even told me others thought I was a nut case.  I laugh out loud now, because yes indeed, I was acting like a nut case!  A perfectly normal, ordinary response in our situation.  I feel vindicated!  And hey, I didn’t run him down, shoot him, stalk him or try to destroy him.  I stayed on the edge of the cliff.

I am just past 2 years from being told we were done.  May 1st marks the 2 year anniversary of my exiting the marital residence and our separation leading up to the divorce.  The divorce was final in August that year.  So, I am nearing the end of the typical 2 years it takes to work through the crazy time.  Over all I’ve done well, and gone through the stages of grief.  I knew I had arrived in a better place and was past it when I recently saw a photo of my ex and his new love, and I smiled!  I actually realized I was happy for him.  He didn’t have that Walter (Jeff Dunham puppet) scowl on his face, it was a genuine HAPPY smile!  At the same time I noticed I was feeling relief that I am NOT attached or in love.   The Count was the breaking of my own deadlock I was still carrying around for my marriage.  I feel gloriously independent, enjoying soaring in the sky and flying free.  It’s so exciting, exhilarating and scary all that  same time!

But more on all of that tomorrow.

If you are going through a divorce, or contemplating one, or just passed one…heck if you are about to get married, PLEASE read this book.  It has been so very helpful for me to realize I wasn’t losing my mind, I was sailing through very normal waters.

Shelving 2011 ~ Box 31

I follow The Single Woman and that is where I was inspired to come up with this year ending purging from my life. The first post (Life’s Changing Landscape: Shelving 2011) covers the how/why, the rest will be the 31 things I am shelving from 2011 that will not go with me into the new year, the full list of posts pertaining to what I’m purging can be found here: Shelving 2011.

Box 31

This is the biggest box.  The contents of this one can weigh heavy on my heart at times.    There are thousands of unanswered questions, suspicions, and facts that all add up to a lot of unresolved pain in my life.

I may never know the truth, and really it doesn’t matter.  It is written in stone, court documents, and is water under the bridge.

It is the past, painted on a canvas that cannot ever be changed.

Honestly, if the opportunity for reconciliation were given, I’d not take it.  It took distance to see that he was poison to my soul.  Though perhaps not intentionally, the mix of us was not good.

In my mind and heart I sincerely feel as if the level of  love and devotion was one sided, which no doubt resulted in many of the issues we had.  Also evident in the fact that I was not the one that quit.

Yes, while I do pray for him, I’m guilty of the “dear Lord, let his life be full of prosperity and happiness, AFTER You have him run over by a truck and the karma bus”, which is not quite what God had in mind when praying for those who hurt us or are our enemies.

But the time has come, in just 2 weeks it will be 2 years since the day I was told it was all over.

He IS a good person, and a good dad.

I wish him every happiness in the world, one filled with love.

I’ve learned what a good wife is and isn’t.  Funny, that definition varies with each person and their needs.  To him I was not. To many others, they are convinced I would be.  If only I could find the one that matches my specs for the good husband! 😉

I’ve taken the steps to fix me.

I’m taking the initial steps through DivorceCare to ensure this box stays sealed up tight.

For those still in the dark at this point, this is the box that contains all the loose ends of my marriage.  It took longer than I thought to move past it, this whole year a time of healing for me, but 22 years is a long time to move past.

It was not always an easy ride.  I have a lot of great memories, and a part of my heart that was so devoted to him will always love him.  But there are painful parts too.  Some of our own making, much that was just inflicted upon us from the outside, from life and frankly crappy cards dealt by fate.  Well okay, Divine Providence.  And while to us they seemed crappy, we were meant to go through those rough waters for a reason.  Most of those reasons won’t be understood in this lifetime.

Either way, now that I’ve reached the point in my life where I want to box it all up, NEED to box it all up, I am purging it all. It is on the shelf.  It is the first of the boxes to be taped up today and left here in 2011.

A new year is here.

A new, fresh start.

A blank canvas waiting to be filled with a  year of hard work, lessons to learn, and a heart and mind focused where it should have been all along.  On the One that never fails me, never leaves me, has my name written on His hand, and will always love me, though I certainly do not deserve it.

The other two, small boxes, just hold miscellaneous stuff and the odds and ends that don’t really have a category or need a box of their own.  The ‘paper schnittzles’ of 2011 that needed to be swept up and away.  Nothing  noteworthy just little dust bunnies of sorts.

It feels good to leave this all behind.

*Raises glass*

To a new year – bring on 2012!

~*~

Blowing The Dust Off This Place

I have been negligent with this blog page, and for that I apologize.  I have neglected a lot of things really.

I stopped going to church after being judged a bit too much by people there.  I lost sight of the fact that they too are sinners and imperfect.  I got my feelings hurt and got all defensive and then just walked away.  I still pray, still try to be in the Word, but not in a church.  See, this was just so wrong on  my part. So, Sunday, being 1/1/2012…I am going back.  I’m not going to let it bother me when someone questions or judges me and my walk. The only one that matters is my Savior.  He knows my  heart, soul and mind, and I’m a detailed work in progress.  He and He alone knows the truth inside me.  Others will have to be patient as He works in me to make the changes that need to be made.

My journey back to God and church had been a difficult one for me.  My life path went places no one should ever go.

I also let hurts get to me.  I know now that I have a lot of unresolved pain still from my divorce, and that needs to be dealt with. Now.

I’ve started looking into DivorceCare groups in my area.  Meanwhile I’m getting the daily devotional email from them and I’ve bought Kay Arthur’s book, Lord Heal My Hurts.  I read it a long time ago but I needed a refresher.  The DivorceCare daily emails recommends it.  I love anything that woman writes so I’ll be starting that now.

This page is getting a make-over, I may even change the name.  Not sure yet what I will do.

2012 is ahead of me, and I am very excited.  I’ve put away the seeking for a relationship, I need to heal me, focus on me, grow me.  Heck FIND me.  I need to spend time on me and my walk, life etc, not on finding someone to fill my heart.  That void is best filled leading a godly life.

So, be patient while I rearrange, clean house, and get this page the way I want it for 2012.

In Christ,

Marti