Morning Coffee On The Deck

image2.JPGOur deck is like being in a low tree house in the woods. It is one of my favorite places. Trees all around, nature living life right in front of our eyes. Some mornings deer can be found out here grazing, birds chirping and flying from one branch to the next, and even a pair of red foxes that took up residence nearby can be seen scooting along the tree line in search of food. Sitting here I can see the leaves fluttering in a breeze that is just a bit too gentle to make the wind chime sing that is hanging at the end of one of our over head beams. The crickets are still singing their night song as the last of the darkness hasn’t quite left the deeper parts woods. A nice, unusually cool 68 degrees for an August summer morning.

The deck faces west, into the wooded backdrop, so the sun is rising behind me right now, just beginning to kiss the tops of a few trees with it’s light, making them shine brighter than the lower branches. It is very beautiful to see.

No airplanes are flying over head to disturb the sounds just yet. We sit below the final approach to CVG airport, about 1.5 miles from the end of the runway as the crow flies so they come over us pretty low. Mostly the big cargo planes for DHL, Polar Air and by low I mean you swear you can read the pilot’s name tag.

image1 (1).JPGMe? I’m a vision of “just rolled out of bed” fashion, sporting black yogo pants that the top is rolled over on…twice..due to my weight loss, pink slippers, a pink Hello Kitty pajama shirt and my favorite baseball cap that hides the bed head hair-do I worked on all night. Absolutely stunning if I do say so myself.

I have my breakfast of Red Berry Crunchy O’s and a huge cup of coffee, along with my Kindle and one the books I’m currently reading. Oops, just dropped a crunchy on the deck floor. 5 second rule applies here, yes I did pick it up and eat it.

In about an hour or so my mom, sister and niece will each begin to find their way down to the coffee pot and join me out here in our little slice of paradise. We’ll talk, laugh, and enjoy not doing anything beyond sitting here holding down our chairs for a bit before life kicks us into action for the day.

But for now, it is just about enjoying this blessed gift of peace.

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My Cat Is Getting Married Next Week

1a79c829e5af7f3d6217f0a493e77d8fWell okay she isn’t really getting married, but I was at an extreme lack of creativity when it came to a blog title today so that is what I came up with, don’t judge.

Creatively I’m just blank, flat lined, nada.  Not sure what is up other than I think I’m still just exhausted from work.  Pulling 6 days in one week, 12.5 hour shifts, and a week later I’m almost recovered.  Mind you I’ve since worked 3 more such shifts but at least it was only what I was assigned, my normal hours. No OT this week, just wasn’t up to it.

Baby watch has started officially, as my daughter is crampy, lost her plug and is about 3cm dilated.  Doc says any time is good and could happen.  Well doc you are wrong, the next 2 days this Nana works and so grand baby #5 must wait until Wednesday, and at that point has 3 days he can arrive, before Nana works the weekend.  Hopefully the baby got the memo.

My Henrietta is not running today.  I fear a fuel pump issue and hope that is covered under warranty.  Not sure and thankfully have enough cars in this house to still have a way to get to work and back.  But I hate not having my baby, and had to have my son pick me up for church.  Thankfully we all go to the same place!

The message this morning was a great one on marriage, the covenant that it is, and something the pastor said really impacted me.  He talked about how two becoming one flesh is not just at the physical level, but it is deeply spiritual as well.  This is why, he said, many still feel a pull toward their ex.  I get that.  It is why it is so devastating and why I think I’ve never quite gotten over it.  My soul is still and forever linked to my ex-husband and in God’s eyes we are still one despite the courts ‘ending’ it.  In God’s realm it isn’t over.  I also think this is why I don’t ever feel ‘right’ in any relationship at a deep level, my faith gets in the way of that.  My faith was very much a part of me even when the hubster and I had fallen far from the path, and deep down those vows were to God more than my ex.  Now, when I try to love another man and be his, it doesn’t work well for me because on a spiritual level it isn’t right in my mind.  I think it is likely I will never marry again because I had come into a relationship with Christ after my first marriage and know in the core of my soul that divorce is wrong wrong wrong in God’s eyes.  It cannot now ever be changed as the ex remarried.  And me?  Well I just don’t know that I can ever honestly make that covenant again with another man, it simply wouldn’t be right.  I’m rather thankful that one isn’t on my head as God takes the breaking of covenants very seriously.  I recommend this message once Crossroads.net puts it up, for anyone married, thinking of marriage, or contemplating divorce.  It was rather freeing though for me, to realize that may be the very reason I simply cannot find it in me to be joined to someone else.  I try, and my heart wants what it wants, but the heart is deceptive and it just never quite fits.  I’ve been the one to end 4 serious relationships since getting divorced, which tells me a lot.  I’ve not given up that God may bring one to me, but I’m not going looking anymore.  He has given me a lot to do for now, and a relationship wouldn’t bode well with all of that.

My job is one area I know that He has planted me for a purpose.  I never would have guessed that changing dirty diapers and feeding older adults could be such, but it is a ministry and I love it.  Some days I do wonder if God realizes that I am 52 years old and this is really a difficult job physically for an old chick like myself, but it is getting a bit easier.  I’ve lost 11 pounds over the past 6 weeks so I can see where it is physically a good thing for me.  It is also emotional.  I have one of my own residents on hospice now, which is hard for me.  I love this resident, and it breaks my heart to see said soul giving up.  It is also hard to look at my 9 people and realize that some are in their 90s and this time next year 3 or 4 of them may not be here anymore.  It is possible to do the job and not get attached but not sure how those aides do it.  I am very attached to them and cannot imagine them not there to care for each week.

As my body and mind are adjusting I’m getting closer to a balance of life in the nursing home and outside.  My Avon business needs a serious shot in the butt, however I just didn’t have the energy.  It has had to be one or the other, and since one is bringing in a bit more money and has medical benefits, that got priority.  I hate it.  This week is mapped out to get Avon back on track.

That goes for writing my blog posts too, which is why it has been over 2 weeks since the Marvelous one posted.  Not that I haven’t started any number of them, but just couldn’t finish before I decided to go to sleep.  I’m working on that as well, as writing is therapy for me.  I don’t need to tell you that my novels are on hold and will be for a bit.  I do have a new twist to add though so stay tuned they will be out eventually.

Farmville 2 has kept me sane, though I admit to thinking “crap forgot to harvest the green beans” when headed to a resident room after morning report.  Sad I know, but it is mindless and helps me unwind after a long day.  I also have my blog about my job, The CNA Life, but haven’t written much there yet.  🙂   I will!

Okay off to grab a glass of wine and relax, maybe work on my planner decorating a bit, then it will be time to board the Dreamland Express and get some sleep.  Praying for this week to smooth out and all things I’ve left in God’s hands to be handled…well that I won’t try to pull them back and just let Him answer those prayers.

Little Things Are Big Things

The little things in life just thrill my socks off, to me those little things make for the big things, memories.

Yesterday a very special and dear friend and I went riding on his motorcycle for several hours.  I love being in the wind, it is therapy for me.  We talked at length while we rode and stopped to grab a quick drink (water and energy drink).  Relaxing and enjoyable, we share numerous memories riding the back roads together.  He is one of those special, true friends I can call when crisis hits and he is there for me, and I’m there for him.  One of the only ones walking who knows every deep, dark secret I have and never judges me for them, just loves and prays for me.  We also share our faith which is great as we talk openly about it.

Today more memories were made after church when me and my kiddos went out of lunch.  I love that we all worship together, even the ex and his wife though they were not at the same service with us today but usually they are and no that is not awkward at all.  After services we hit one of our favorite places for lunch.  I just love spending time with my kids and grandkids, they are jewels in my crown for sure.  Nice to know too, in chatting, that my kids do not think I was a bad mom even though I know I made mistakes, they love me and see me as a good mother.

The memories of my grandson whispering across the table to me with his little mischievous grin that he took off his socks and shoes (a real sneaky thing to a 2-year-old), then later having to remove mac & cheese from his shoes before they went back on (guess he missed his mouth a few times) won’t be forgotten.  I cannot imagine life without my family around me.

Great quote I heard on the way to services:

Joy is the best makeup ~ Anne Lamott

Yes, yes it is.  And my life is full of joy, yes I really DO love my life.  Nothing about it I’d trade right now, it is full of the wealth of blessings and love, memories and laughter, family and a few very good friends.

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Day 6 ~ 30 Days Of Thankfulness 2012

First (this is a two for one thankful), I am very thankful for my brother, Yatz.  Today is his 48th birthday.  Happy birthday little brother, I love you to pieces.  May your life be filled with happiness and blessings today and always.

It will come as no surprise to anyone that today I am thankful for living in a country where we get to vote, without fear, and where yes, our vote really does count.  No, I didn’t think so for a long time until I came to truly understand how the electoral college works, now I get it.

I won’t discuss politics on my blog, it is a political free zone.

But I will encourage you to get out there and VOTE! YES it does count, when Gore and Bush ran, the state of Florida decided the election, by less than 600 votes!  It matters, it counts, people died fighting for us to have and keep this right.  No, we aren’t perfect in this country but we still have the best when it comes to choosing our leaders.

If you don’t vote, you have no right whatsoever to complain. Period.

I’m thankful that I have the privilege and responsibility to vote.  And with that the freedom to openly whine tomorrow if I so choose.

Friday Confessional

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Confession – It’s Good For The Soul

I Confess….

I DID watch pieces of the royal wedding this morning.

I really couldn’t have cared less as  I think fairy tales are just that and when the rubber meets the road,  royalty or not, it can make for a rough day/week/lifetime.

I Confess….

I am still in my jammies at 2:25pm.

I have showered, put on my face and done my hair.

I spent about an hour on the phone with a friend.

But I just haven’t bothered to get dressed…yet.

I Confess….

This past week has been PMS central for me.

I was really on an edge one day, homicidal in fact.

I was totally depressed and fighting crying the next day.

Damn glad this only happens once a month and only to the extremes about every 3rd month.

I Confess….

While I’ve lost 5 pounds in the past few weeks, I feel fat today.

Not chunky, or pleasantly plump.

Flat out fat.

Guessing it is the PMS?

I Confess….

Despite the PMS.

Despite the fact that everything in my life is not perfect.

Despite everything not being completely ‘right’ in my world…

I am pretty damn happy, and if I count up my blessings, I think I am the most blessed and luckiest  woman on the planet.