The Dating Diaries ~ What I Am Seeking

The Biker made mention to me that my blogs are full of things I do NOT want and that I am NOT looking for in a relationship, but not much regarding what I am seeking.

SO…here are SOME of the many things I’ve saved that describe exactly what it is I’ve been holding out for, someone unique and unconventional,  someone like myself.

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The Dating Diaries ~ Prerequisites

Now yes, I have taken this year off and shelved dating for 2012, but I shelved my nails too and those are back.  But I’m not in any rush to un-shelve the whole dating fiasco, still working on ME.  However it doesn’t mean that I cannot be mapping the necessary requirements for consideration when the time comes to submit one’s dating resume.  Right?

 

Shortly after my divorce was final, I had posted 10 Qualifications For A Frog Prince With Benefits, mostly in fun, as I was NOT really seeking anyone, and figured if I did anything it would be a friend with benefits.  Fate showed me once again that it is impossible for men and women to be just friends if it is just the two of them and not couple to couple friends, because over time attraction will grow. And then things happen.  But looking back the qualifications, should I ever decide to come out of dating retirement, would apply for a REAL relationship:

QUALIFICATIONS FOR FROG PRINCE WITH BENEFITS A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP

  1. Transportation: Having a car is a must for a FPWB – a Princess doesn’t use public transportation.  She also does not ‘pick up’ the Prince, that is his job.  The Princess is supposed to grace the passenger seat of the carriage of the Prince with her beauty.
  2. Motorcycle: Should the FPWB also happen to own a motorcycle, he gains instant bonus points, as the Princess loves the position of fender fluff behind her Prince, wrapped around him.
  3. Fashion sense: is a must!  Men in midriff tops is NEVER acceptable!  Know what to wear and when to wear it! If you are in danger of friends/family calling in Stacy and Clayton from TLC’s What Not To Wear, don’t bother applying.
  4. Football Fan: You must be a football fan, as the Princess loves football! Bengals fans get highest marks, Colts behind them.  Ravens and Browns fans will be judged on a case by case basis, Steelers fans need not bother applying, it is grounds for REJECTION OF APPLICATION on the spot!
  5. Hygiene: Learn about it! Brush your teeth, shower and use soap and water, trim the tree and shave the jewels, and for the love of St. Peter if you can clearly shave numbers in your back hair, get a waxing! (hairy chests on the other hand are MORE than acceptable!
  6. Playful: A guy in touch with his inner child, that can have FUN with a little water fight with the hose, snowball fights, some friendly wrestling over the TV remote (you must, of course, throw the match as Princess must always win).  Princess is playful and possesses a sense of humor.  If you lack these qualities, hop over to someone else’s pond please or contact your Fairy Godmother for assistance.
  7. FOOD SENSE: Chips and dip does not qualify as tailgate or picnic food.  Princess likes both of those activities and expects you will have enough brains to know what to bring or how to use Google if not!  Her first and favorite test is a picnic in the park of her choosing to get to know you, what you pack for her to enjoy will tell her a lot about you! (this includes accessories needed for said adventure)
  8. Time Management: Princess is a very busy lady, her schedule books in advance.  While you may get lucky with last minute arrangements, it is best to book her time well ahead of the event.  Oh, and she frowns on cancellations and no shows, so don’t do it unless you want off the A-List.
  9. Cyber Savvy Flirt: The Princess likes a man who knows how to get her attention with a text or an email now and then, after all, she believes the world revolves around her. Oh wait, in HER universe it does, get used to it.
  10. NO Limp Shrimp!: Princess enjoys sex.  In fact that is the benefit side of this arrangement.  She couldn’t care less if you get your trout stout with or without a little blue pill, just make sure your one eyed dragon is alive and in the game when she is ready.

I also will want information on any applicant’s astrological sign.  If you have been following me for any length of time, you know that there are just certain guys that will never have a snow balls chance in hell.  I didn’t heed the compatibility stuff with The Count, and learned my lesson once again.  NO one born under the signs of Aquarius, Scorpio, or Leo need apply.  It is NOT going to happen. Period. End. Of. Discussion.

Another pre-req will be the out come of the 41Q Personality test.  Maybe.  Just humor me okay?  If you take the test and are interested, comment and use the 8 digit number it gives you at the end of the profile and I’ll post our compatibility results. Below is the screen shot of mine, without the number (no cheating!).  🙂  It’s just for fun because I get asked so much when I’m going back on the market.  Not sure anyone can handle me, but would be curious to see.

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
~ Marilyn Monroe

~*~

The UNdating Diaries ~ Sir Lancelot

It has been awhile since I’ve updated the Dating Diary.  Mostly this is due to it being the year of not dating because I needed more time to work on uncovering me and frankly my heart just cannot handle another break. Instead I am just enjoying life and the many friends I know and love dearly.  Many of my best friends in this world are men.  Men are just different from women, they can have a conversation that doesn’t involve emotions.  Us gals, our emotions have a tendency to influence how we think if we aren’t careful, and even then they still do play some role.  It isn’t a bad thing, we are emotional creatures, it is how God chose to wire us so it’s all good.  But I like hanging with and talking to the male side of our species, they have a different view of life at times, and it is mostly emotion free.

Enter Sir Lancelot, who has become a very dear friend. One I do not intimidate in the least with either my temper, strong will, mind, need to have control or carefree spirit.  My being a strong woman with a strong personality doesn’t bother him one bit.  His personality is every bit as strong as my own, and while he likes to have control of his life, he doesn’t wish to control mine.  He will challenge my thinking at times with questions that make me stop and ponder my views, but doesn’t try to change them.  He isn’t afraid to tell me when I’m just being plain ridiculous, but is able to do that without making me feel stupid.  He also sees that inside the woman who is strong enough to carry the weight of her world, is a scared little girl that wants to simply be loved and accepted for who she is, and protected from the big bad wolf in life when she has no fight left in her.  He knows I don’t want anyone to fight my battles for me, just someone that can bandage my wounds and talk me back down off the cliff.  He is also very aware that at times I’ll not just step off that cliff, I will charge at it and take a flying leap off that edge.  He won’t lecture me, or scold me, but will gently and firmly nudge me back on solid ground and help me see why that dive off of the cliff wasn’t in my best interest.  He accepts that I will make mistakes, he just wants me to learn from them.

Sir Lancelot also feels that Guinevere, while a queen in her own right, needs to be spoiled and pampered like a princess sometimes.  This weekend he took me away so that I could leave all my stress and cares behind me for a while, and just pampered and spoiled me.  I loved it.  I did nothing!  I spent the time sitting on my ample derriere and watched movies while being cooked and fed great food, and attended too like the princess I am.  It was heaven.  And we had some great conversation. My battery is fully charged and I think I can handle what life has to throw at me this week.

No, we are not dating.  I’d have to shut the garden gate if that were the case.  In dating relationships it is not safe, I’ve learned, to be me and let someone see inside me.  Sir Lancelot can roam the garden freely because he doesn’t judge the landscaping, isn’t critical of where I place things or what vegetation I opt to nurture or prune away.  Instead of trying to tie me down, he enjoys sitting under a shady tree and watching me dance with the butterflies in the meadows, ride my unicorn about the garden paths, or soar through the tree tops with the birds.

It is so nice to have a friend who knows what I need even when I am not certain, who has no hidden agenda, he just enjoys seeing me smile. It was so very nice to let my guard down, relax, and just be ME for awhile.

On Your Mark, Get Set….Naaaa…

Coming out of the ‘crazy time’, per the book I was reading and have referenced in previous blogs, I thought perhaps I was finally ready to try out relationships again.  By that I mean relationships now that I’ve gotten past the rebound, and the nice-guy-darn-he-is-married, and last but not least, to borrow the Super Hero’s term, the bat-shit crazy (ie: The Count) guy.  Having gone through my various stages of grief of my marriage, the wacked out crazy time stuff, and the relationships mentioned, I thought MAYBE I was ready to find Mr. Right.

I was Miss WRONG!

It isn’t that I don’t want to be special to someone, or have someone special in my life.  But I’m not craving that either.  It certainly sounds nice and all, but….

Getting hurt does not concern me, pain is a part of life.  You cannot love and expect to go without being hurt.  I’ve had my heart broken plenty of times, some just cracks, and obviously the ex husband completely shattered it.  But I am healed and I know that it is likely that it will be broken again.  That doesn’t ‘scare’ me.  What I am fearful of is hurting someone else.  I do not ever want to cause that kind of pain to another human being.  I hurt just to breathe when my marriage ended.  Thinking hurt, being asleep hurt, being awake hurt.  I was half out of my mind in pain I never imagined was possible.  It was like a death, I went through the various stages…but this is worse. It is far worse to see him with someone else when he was the center of my world.  I will never stop loving him.  No, it is not the same by any stretch, but it is still more painful than I could ever have imagined.  When I said “I do” I meant for life, forever, and nothing  could have prepared me for the raw pain of being rejected by him.  Yes, I did indeed dance on the edge of insanity.  I see that now.  I stopped crying long ago, and can now, because I do love him, really FEEL happy for him that he has found someone to make him happy.  But knowing what that did to me makes it hard for me to imagine allowing myself to ever love or be loved like that.  I cannot begin to fathom hurting another person that way.

Superhero, Mr. Wonderful, and The Count all were a huge part of the healing process that I now can see as I look back.  But they were not my forever love.  The first two, once they moved through their own crazy times, well I’d not turn them down, The Count is the only one I know for sure is a no-way-in-hell potential.  He is potential hell on this earth, and a totally dodged bullet that I was too stupid and blind to see, but the other two, well the timing was just all wrong.  Who knows what another place in time might have been?  I remain friends with them both and would have their back without a second thought.

But back to the topic at hand…I thought I was ready to go forward. Even had a potential, let’s see where it goes and just let it unfold type relationship.  But I cannot bring myself to go there.

I want to stand completely on my own. Be my own person, financially, mentally and emotionally independent.  I want to make all of my own decisions, come and go as I please, answer to no one but myself.  I want to pursue my faith and get back where I belong there, I want to go places, see things, do things that I want to do.   I don’t want to worry if it is going to upset someone else if I jump on the back of Mr. Wonderful’s bike and we head out for a few hours to let the stress blow off.  Or have to cover if I chose to go spend the night sleeping next to someone that makes me feel safe and secure, who holds me and touches me like I’m special to them.  I don’t want anyone to even ask where I was, or who I was with, or where I am going or why.

I don’t want to hide from love or run from it, I don’t want to look for it.  I don’t want to be IN it.

I just, for once in  my life, want to be ME.  No more  (fill in the blank) and Marti.  I just want to be MARTI.  Marvelous, crazy, quirky, fun, happy 99.9% of the time, maybe once in a blue moon sad, sometimes a few pounds over  my ideal weight, sometimes a few more than that but never with anyone’s critique, spontaneous, predictable, perfectly imperfect ME.  The only engine running on this race track, the only act in this circus, being MINE.  No risking anyone’s heart including my own.  Just LIVING.

The Dating Diaries ~ My Fantasy Dating Profile

I follow a guy on Twitter and through his blogs, Dad Unmasked, who is a divorced dad raising 2 girls.  I love what he writes about in both venues.  As someone that has done the dating site game, I totally enjoyed his Fantasy Dating Profile post.  It inspired me to write one of my own.

The whole idea is that the profile I write is REAL, the real me!  The fantasy in this case being that someone out there wants the REAL people, not the Barbie dolls.  I cannot tell you the number of profiles I had read of guys who are overweight, unemployed or living like it (hey can only go on your pictures of the trashed trailer you appear to be sitting in with dirty dishes stacked high and trash bags piled around) that are dog ugly and specify that the female needs to be trim, in shape, and gorgeous.  Really?  So see, the fantasy is that someone would really want the real me!  And so far that guy I seek must be a fantasy too, as I’m just looking for a REAL guy. But that is for the post I will title “Mr. Right’s Fantasy Dating Profile” to be posted in the near future.

SO, here is my fantasy dating profile:

My Self Summary:  I’m a 48 year old, divorced mother of two.  My children are both adults, they do not live with me but are known to make unscheduled, unannounced visits and this is a good thing.  I’m 5’6″ tall, curvy with a few extra pounds.  Yes a FEW.  NO I am not fat, obese, etc.  When I say few I mean it, I am nothing if not brutally honest.  I have big boobs, a plus to some men and a minus to others. I have hips and a booty and I’m not upset about it.  I’m very happy with myself as I am.  I’m not your sugar mama, I don’t make a lot of money.  But I’m very happy with what I make and comfortable.  I am not a clean freak but I’m not a hoarder.  If it hasn’t been used or worn in 6 months I dispose of it to charity or the trash.  I don’t like clutter and I won’t live with it either.

I’m really good at:  Cleaning, taking care of little ones, and sales.  I was a very good office manager too, but I’ve made a serious career change into daycare and sales and have no intentions of returning to managing anyone’s office but my own.  I can cook but don’t like too so my talents are limited.  But I’ve yet to go hungry.  I’m good at cheering for my favorite football teams and yes I do like watching it either in the stadium, a sports bar, or my own living room with friends.  I can dress up and look like a million but frankly much prefer a tailgate, fire pit, a hoodie and some beer with friends.

The first thing people notice about me:  My eyes.  If I had a dollar for every time someone complimented my eyes I’d be rich.

Favorites:

Food: Chipotle steak bowls, with rice, black beans, corn salsa and cheese…no sour cream. EVER.

Movies: too many to name but they are not all chick flicks.

Music: that varies with my mood or the mood I wish to set.  Country, classical, hip-hop, classic rock, easy listening, soft rock…

Books:  first and foremost my bible. Then a variety of things, romance, historical fiction, biographies, autobiographies, motivational, business…I love to read.

TV Shows:  Blue Bloods, CSI, CSI:NY, NCIS and Criminal Minds.

I’m seeking: A man who is honest, I cannot and will not tolerate lies.  Someone who is affectionate, who isn’t looking for a Barbie Doll, is loyal/faithful (sorry don’t share), works hard but doesn’t let work come before his family, someone seeking a best friend in their mate and not a trophy.

Sadly this isn’t what most are seeking I am thinking.  But I’m working on a post all about the real me.  I did one for my 100th post long ago, but thinking it is time to really open up. That is a post coming too.

The Dating Diaries ~ Just Some Thoughts

After 2 failed marriages and getting my heart broken more times than  I care to recall, I take a whole new approach when it comes to relationships.  It’s about ME.  Oh there will be plenty of me that is all about him too, but I have to watch out for me and my now very fragile heart.  I am far too special and precious of a person to just settle.

When I give someone my heart I give them all of me.  If they abuse it in any way I will retreat behind my walls and pull the drawbridge up again and good luck gaining entrance, I’m just not that forgiving for any additional cracks added to my already scarred heart.  And if you suddenly retreat from me over something small like what happened between me and the Count, and have ‘rethink’ us…well I will do the rethinking for you, it’s OVER.  See, when I commit to a relationship, it is 100% find a way to work through the crap that is bound to come up, and retreat is not an option.  If you have to retreat and rethink, you didn’t want this that bad and you were not committed.

I don’t do second chances either, if you walk away once, you are gone for good and dead to me. Harsh? Perhaps it is, but I have to protect what is left of me if I am going to be special to anyone and able to open up completely and commit totally for life.

I follow this awesome chick, Mandy Hale, most commonly known as The Single Woman.  I follow her on Twitter and I read her daily blog which is full of awesome and inspiring advice for single folks.  I also collect sayings I find inspirational or that speak well how I feel.  Below are some of those tweets, quotes, and pictures for the rest of my single followers.  Don’t settle, EVER. We deserve the best because we are the best.  Hold out for it!

~*~

TheSingleWoman™

 Who cares if people are talking behind your back? It just proves you have a life worth talking ABOUT. 🙂
*
You deserve someone who jumps fences to be with you..not someone who’s ON the fence about being with you.
*
Don’t waste time mourning lost opportunites or missed chances. It it was meant for u, it would have happened.
*
“Always take comfort knowing that u are independent & u don’t need to rely on anyone else for your own happiness.”
*
As uncertain as the life of a single girl might be..we make our own rules & answer only to ourselves..& that ROCKS.
*
If they don’t appreciate your presence, perhaps you should try giving them your absence.
*
You should only look back to see how far you’ve come. 🙂
“Pain makes u stronger. Tears make u braver. Heartbreak makes u wiser. So thank the past for a better future!”
*
Don’t lose yourself in a relationship. They fell in love with YOU. Not who they wanted or expected you to be.
*
Before you settle for “something” or “anything,” allow me to remind you that you’re worthy of EVERYTHING!
*
*
*
~*~

The Dating Diaries ~ If You Can’t Handle Me At My Worst…

TheSingleWoman™ – As uncertain as the life of a single girl might be..we make our own rules & answer only to ourselves..& that ROCKS.

The door to the secret garden of my heart is slammed shut and locked.  Yeah, all is not good in paradise today.  And if you know anything about me you know that if you hurt my feelings bad enough, I’m going to completely close up and good luck getting me to open up again.  My heart is a very fragile thing, has been for a few years now and for me to open it to anyone is a huge step for me.  And for anyone to find themselves in possession of a key to the gate of my secret garden, the deep parts of me, the whole of my heart and soul, well use it responsibly because while I do not pick who has that key, fate/chemistry/God does, I do chose who will suddenly find their key no longer works in the lock.

I’m trying very hard not to be irrational, stomping pacing back and forth in front of the gate on the inside of the wall, the temptation to revoke access is definitely there.  Once I revoke it, it is never available again, which is why this Taurian is snorting and stomping fuming and pacing.  I’ve worked hard the past two years, with the help of the meds, to learn to control my reactions and instead of reacting, chose to  respond.

As I have said in my About Me section, I am known for posting things now and then that may be considered inappropriate, or not thinking through things before I hit post/publish.  This is not just on my blog, it goes on Facebook too.  Seems I did that…well okay after further review of the play, the penalty call stands.  I cannot reverse it no matter how many red flags I toss out there on the field.

The post was a video of some of the occupy Wall Street ladies topless, whining and carrying on about the cops telling them to put their shirts back on.  I found it hard to take these idiots seriously when I saw it, so much for being intelligent liberals, obviously you had to resort to displaying your less than impressive rack to gain attention to your cause as no one was paying attention.  And they sure weren’t going to take you seriously now!  But back on track here (love when I hijack my own blog).  I posted that, not thinking about the fact that the Count’s 12yo grandson would see it.  Seems the Count didn’t care for it either.  I thought I had set it so the  children/youngsters on my Facebook didn’t see it, but guess that was an epic FAIL.  I had commented on a photo of a cheerleader with a spot on the crotch of her shorts too, that I thought it was photo shopped.  Because I commented on it, the way Facebook works these days, it showed up in the feeds of my friends.  I didn’t think about that, I’m still adjusting to the changes Facebook made (when will they learn if it isn’t broken don’t fix it?).

Now backing up a tad here, things have been strained between me and the count of late, at least it felt that way.  I knew going into this that this time of year he works, A LOT.  As in he is at work before most of us get out of bed in the morning, and is still working when most of us go to bed at night.  And we’re seeing each other one day a week if that.  But as I said, this I knew so while I am a woman that needs more attention than a random text every day, I was being patient and trying not to complain.  Though I admit I felt like the family pooch given the crumbs brushed off the table after everyone else had their portion of the count’s time.  It’s what you do when you love someone.  And is wasn’t going to last forever, just a few more weeks before things would be normal again.

So, Friday at 9pm I received a text, him venting about work.  I sent multiple texts after that.  Nothing, no response at all.  I had dinner with a very dear friend last night and came home to discover I had been deleted from the Count’s Facebook, and his grandson’s.  No text, email or phone call to explain, just gone.  I texted and got no reply. I called and left a voicemail, nothing.  Now maybe I am not thinking this through clearly (damn muscle relaxers) but when one goes from dozens of texts a day, slowly down to a random ONE most days…it is hard to hold on with that crumb.  Then to go over 24 hours with no communication and to find oneself removed from their significant other’s friends list and their grandson’s.  Well I’m sorry if I jumped to the wrong conclusion after the attempts to communicate from my end, but I assumed the relationship had come to a halt.  Please feel free to point out to me if you think this was not a valid conclusion.

I come to find out, finally after making that assumption in a text in the wee hours of this morning when I couldn’t sleep and asking yet again later at a reasonable hour of the morning when I still had no reply, that he removed me and made the grandson remove me, over that video and the picture.  And now he needs to take a step back and rethink us?

All this could have been avoided with a quick text pointing out the necessary reminder (told ya I don’t think things through all the time) that there is a child on my Facebook and that the items were inappropriate viewing material.  But no, he reacted in anger (he said he was mad over it) and deleted me.

Now, I might be wrong here as I’m stomping through my vegetation tip toeing through the tulips inside the garden here, but when you go from “I love you” and “I miss you” and talking about a future, a business, and a life together, to all of the above….well to ME it sure seems like someone was just looking for an easy way out?  How about just telling me you want out, it isn’t working for you, whatever.  If anyone thinks it hurts less this way well they are quite mistaken.

The  worst part is I find myself repeating dance steps of the past…making excuses for him!  He is working so hard, long hours, is sleep deprived and grumpy and on a short fuse these days….when in fact there is no excuse for treating someone you say you love this way!  Communication is key to any relationship and there was a huge lack of it here.  And I cannot do this again, I’m not going to be an option rather than a priority in anyone’s life.  And I am sure as hell not going to change who and what I am to fit in anyone’s mold.  Been there, done that, and spent a long time  peeling back the layers and rediscovering who I really was and I am NOT going back in a box for anyone.  Take me as I am or don’t take me at all!

In the words of my all time favorite quote and personal mantra:

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”~ Marilyn Monroe

And  honestly, if that is the worst anyone ever has to deal with, my imperfection when it comes to posting stuff now and then that maybe I need to think through, but my best is loyalty, love and total faithfulness and support, then  they should seriously be thankful because I’m one hell of a great package!  If he cannot handle my worst…well as it says, he doesn’t deserve my best.

Which must be evident  to many because the single men are already swarming  like cockroaches when the lights go out, asking for a chance to see if they might hold that key to the garden gate after seeing my relationship status change to single when someone deleted me.

Sorry boys, the marvelous one needs time to let the cracks in her heart heal right now.  😦

The Dating Diaries ~ Life In The Moment…

As my readers have likely picked up on, I LOVE P!nk, love The Greatest Hits So Far album, and thank my baby sister for buying it for me.  I ripped it to my PC and the CD is in my car, I love everyone of the 16 songs except number 10, but I’m too conservative for that one.

One of my favorite songs  on the album is “Glitter In The Air”, a great love song.  I know the feeling of being touched so gently I wanted to cry.  Looking fear in the face (fear of getting my heart broken yet again) and saying “I don’t care” and letting myself FEEL again.  Of  not wanting a night to end, wondering if it could ever get better than that moment.  And all because of one man.  A man I met online through a dating site.  A man that emailed me and I didn’t respond for a few days, and damn near didn’t at all.  A man who was about to give up on finding the one, but gave it another shot.  That man, of course, is the Count.  AKA: Steve.  But you know me, I love nick names.  My very own Mikhail Dubrinsky.

Trusting has been the hardest thing for me to do.  I trusted for 22 years, and that got me no where but alone and emotionally destroyed.  I tried again, 2 more times, and those were just more breaks  in my heart. I was done at that point.  Dating was a way to just get out and meet men, I really didn’t plan on finding the one, this Cinderella had long given up on finding the fairy tale prince.  Yes I was looking, but I did not feel like that was even a remote possibility.  I kept meeting guys that were totally smitten with me, but it wasn’t mutual.  Many read my blog pages, had the full story, knew that I was the ‘nut case’ the ex feels I am, (they all find me quirky cute in every aspect with one guy that was  the exception, and thought the ex had a hole in his marble bag) and wanted me anyway.  I knew 23 years  ago  without a word being said, not even knowing my ex husband’s name so I knew that chemistry would be there or  not be there. Sure, things develop over time, but there is this initial draw, like two magnets, and it hadn’t happened.

Then came the email from The Count, expressing interest.  I read  his profile, looked at his photos, and decided to think on it.  My plan was to delete all my online accounts and toss in the towel.  I had dated 12 men  already and not yet found that undeniable pull.  I waited a few days to reply, but many times I went back to his profile.  Something in his eyes drew me in, again and again.  I  didn’t feel I matched  his criteria so wasn’t sure what his interest in me was, but I finally replied.  Then we talked on the phone.  I was still terribly hesitant to meet.  But deep down something was  stirring and that something would not let me out of this.  I  agreed to meet him for dinner.

Little did I know that when I walked into the meeting place, my life was about to shift dramatically.  The man looking back at me as I walked in the door had the most amazing eyes.  I swear they could pierce a hole in steel, and when he looked in my eyes he looked straight inside my heart and soul.  There was instant chemistry and draw.  It was very scary to me.  I’ve kind of sat on that fear a good deal since.  Not fear of HIM, but fear of the intense feelings I have  for him, from the beginning!  My heart was way ahead of my brain and that was scary.  I was just waiting, after each date, to hear that he just wasn’t feeling it.

Instead, he is feeling it too.  We text like a couple of teenagers!  I got flowers last week for no reason other than he was thinking about me and wanted me to know this.  He doesn’t hold back at all telling me how he feels about me.  When we are together, for no reason out of no where he will  just stop, kiss me and tell me he loves me.  We  talk in terms of here and now, but also the future.  a future that is me and him, side by side, building a life together.  But we are going SO slow, taking our time, letting this bloom, grow and unfold it’s petals without rushing it.  There is no hurry, the feelings are there and grow each day.

Will I get my heart broken again?  I  don’t believe so, but only time will tell.  We’ve both suffered severe heart breaks at the hands of those we dearly loved, the ones we’d have gone to the ends of the earth for and back again.  We  are advancing with baby steps even though our emotions are miles ahead of us,  and just enjoying this one day at a time.

The  Count is part of my supporting cast now, photo and all.  Love is awesome.

The Dating Diaries ~ Love Grows In My Garden

The garden gate opens now all on it’s own, it recognizes The Count and welcomes him inside the walls that protect my heart.  He brings with him a warmth when he enters here, a feeling of peace and harmony.  Little by little, he is exploring every inch of the landscape, getting to know everything that grows here or has  once been within the walls.  While we’ve glanced  across  to the area that is burned and damaged, he doesn’t push for more than I am ready to give up.  Already love is sowing healing seeds and new growth is starting on the other side.  With every day the painful memories of the past slip further away under the sprouting new flowers there, and in some  strange way my past tears are now fertilizing the soil that is bringing forth the new life.

I knew when I met the former prince, before I even knew his name, that he was someone I was supposed love and marry.  This time, I had only a photo, voice and a lot of communication on texts and the phone with The  Count, but inside something was stirring to life.  The first time I looked into his eyes I knew that feeling again.  Destiny was sitting in front of me, all I had to do was let it take me by the hand and lead me.  When he reached out and took my hand, continuing to see into my eyes and my heart and soul, we both knew.  There was no denying it.  When he searched inside of me, he didn’t push, and I didn’t deny him what he wanted to see.  He has gone where  only one other person dared to look, but that one was not mine, and I was not his.  For a long time I did not grasp why, but now I know…because Mr. Wonderful was not my destiny, The Count is.

From that first meeting, in the first few moments, there hasn’t been any singular in our discussions. It has been all about us, we, our….we’re like 2 puzzle pieces that fit so perfectly together.  The longer we are together the less of the seam that separates us can be seen even to us.  His life dream and mine fit together so very well.  Completely different, yet so perfectly suited to compliment each.  When we envision those dreams, we see each other in there, have since the first moment.  He is a very strong personality, with the softest of hearts.

I needed a man who could match or exceed the strength of my personality, there is no questioning he is that one.  Yet he is tender, and loving and wants to make me happy.  He knows my dark secrets, I know his.  We both accept the other completely: the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful.  Neither of is looking for perfect, we both want someone perfectly imperfect.  I’m reading the book that was mentioned once by Chuck, Love and Respect – by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs,  and see where the former prince and I went wrong, some of the situations described could be right out of our 22 years, down to the very words used in scenarios.  It won’t happen again, I simply won’t allow it.  I  know where I went wrong, where he was wrong, and how to not let that happen this time around.

“Go slow” is the intent, but it is hard.  We both know we need time to figure it all out, but we’re both in and committed.  My dating profiles have been removed, I have no desire to see anyone else, I found him.  Or maybe better said, he found me.  One flirt on a dating site has led to the start of what WILL be an amazing life as we work together to make our dreams come true.