Shelving 2011 ~ Box 31

I follow The Single Woman and that is where I was inspired to come up with this year ending purging from my life. The first post (Life’s Changing Landscape: Shelving 2011) covers the how/why, the rest will be the 31 things I am shelving from 2011 that will not go with me into the new year, the full list of posts pertaining to what I’m purging can be found here: Shelving 2011.

Box 31

This is the biggest box.  The contents of this one can weigh heavy on my heart at times.    There are thousands of unanswered questions, suspicions, and facts that all add up to a lot of unresolved pain in my life.

I may never know the truth, and really it doesn’t matter.  It is written in stone, court documents, and is water under the bridge.

It is the past, painted on a canvas that cannot ever be changed.

Honestly, if the opportunity for reconciliation were given, I’d not take it.  It took distance to see that he was poison to my soul.  Though perhaps not intentionally, the mix of us was not good.

In my mind and heart I sincerely feel as if the level of  love and devotion was one sided, which no doubt resulted in many of the issues we had.  Also evident in the fact that I was not the one that quit.

Yes, while I do pray for him, I’m guilty of the “dear Lord, let his life be full of prosperity and happiness, AFTER You have him run over by a truck and the karma bus”, which is not quite what God had in mind when praying for those who hurt us or are our enemies.

But the time has come, in just 2 weeks it will be 2 years since the day I was told it was all over.

He IS a good person, and a good dad.

I wish him every happiness in the world, one filled with love.

I’ve learned what a good wife is and isn’t.  Funny, that definition varies with each person and their needs.  To him I was not. To many others, they are convinced I would be.  If only I could find the one that matches my specs for the good husband! 😉

I’ve taken the steps to fix me.

I’m taking the initial steps through DivorceCare to ensure this box stays sealed up tight.

For those still in the dark at this point, this is the box that contains all the loose ends of my marriage.  It took longer than I thought to move past it, this whole year a time of healing for me, but 22 years is a long time to move past.

It was not always an easy ride.  I have a lot of great memories, and a part of my heart that was so devoted to him will always love him.  But there are painful parts too.  Some of our own making, much that was just inflicted upon us from the outside, from life and frankly crappy cards dealt by fate.  Well okay, Divine Providence.  And while to us they seemed crappy, we were meant to go through those rough waters for a reason.  Most of those reasons won’t be understood in this lifetime.

Either way, now that I’ve reached the point in my life where I want to box it all up, NEED to box it all up, I am purging it all. It is on the shelf.  It is the first of the boxes to be taped up today and left here in 2011.

A new year is here.

A new, fresh start.

A blank canvas waiting to be filled with a  year of hard work, lessons to learn, and a heart and mind focused where it should have been all along.  On the One that never fails me, never leaves me, has my name written on His hand, and will always love me, though I certainly do not deserve it.

The other two, small boxes, just hold miscellaneous stuff and the odds and ends that don’t really have a category or need a box of their own.  The ‘paper schnittzles’ of 2011 that needed to be swept up and away.  Nothing  noteworthy just little dust bunnies of sorts.

It feels good to leave this all behind.

*Raises glass*

To a new year – bring on 2012!

~*~

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Shelving 2011 ~ Box 30

I follow The Single Woman and that is where I was inspired to come up with this year ending purging from my life. The first post (Life’s Changing Landscape: Shelving 2011) covers the how/why, the rest will be the 31 things I am shelving from 2011 that will not go with me into the new year, the full list of posts pertaining to what I’m purging can be found here: Shelving 2011.

Box 30

WOW, 2nd to last box of the 31 things I plan to leave behind in 2011. 

In this box will go all the grudges I hold against people who have hurt me.

Some were judgmental regarding posts I’ve made, or my past when I returned to church.

Some were people that stabbed me in the back, threw me under the bus, some broke my heart, or otherwise caused me pain.

I could name the names but that wouldn’t really be of any benefit to anyone.  You know who you are and what you did.  If you don’t, well all the better.  I’ve let all this live rent free in my heart and head and it is time to box it up and leave it here in this year.  Everyone gets a clean slate for the new year, bygones are just that, it’s all water under the bridge.

Forgiveness…it isn’t about those that have caused us pain, it is about US.  About ME.  And I am letting go of it all, it is just not worth the energy to hang on to past inflictions. I’ve learned and accept that some people are just assholes and that is okay.  You can be one, outside of my head and heart.

So, into the box goes the grudges, and the void left behind by those is filled with forgiveness and grace.  When I am tempted to pull the tape off the seal and open that box, instead I will pray for that person.

Shelving 2011 ~ Box 29

I follow The Single Woman and that is where I was inspired to come up with this year ending purging from my life. The first post (Life’s Changing Landscape: Shelving 2011) covers the how/why, the rest will be the 31 things I am shelving from 2011 that will not go with me into the new year, the full list of posts pertaining to what I’m purging can be found here: Shelving 2011.

Box 29

This box is related to my post yesterday, about embracing ME in 2012, it is dating.  I’m putting dating in the box and putting it on the shelf for the coming year.  I think my biggest problem was jumping into the dating scene too soon after the marriage had ended.  I need time to finish unwrapping me without reapplying layers to suit others that I am seeing.  Only one of the 3 men I got into a relationship with this past year didn’t try to change me, and that was the Superhero.  He just wanted to know ME and didn’t ask me to change anything about myself.  Sadly it didn’t work because I didn’t want him to change either.  Mr. Wonderful wanted me to layer over things, not mention them, etc from my past.  And the Count…well obviously he wanted me to layer over things too, and that simply will not work.  Again. Ever.

I’ve decided that I need more time to discover  me.  I know that I have some unresolved issues and hurts from the marriage.  I found an awesome divorce support group called DivorceCare.  Bible based and full of support, I am going to look into it.  It runs about 13 weeks and many of the churches in this area have started DivorceCare groups.  My best friend from childhood told me what a wonder it did for her, not to mention she met her soon to be husband in this group, remained friends long after the sessions ended, and now they are in love and going to get married.  I don’t want to join to find anyone, I’m not looking.  I want to join to clear up any last fragments of pain and move forward.  No doubt it will help in my faith too.

SO, while I will enjoy the company of male friends now and then, they have to understand I am not seeking a relationship right now with anyone but ME.  No dating, I pay my own way or I don’t go.  Simple as that.  I will gladly spend time with friends, but I am not seeking a mate.  I’m seeking the person that matters most in my life, ME.

Shelving 2011 ~ Box 28

I follow The Single Woman and that is where I was inspired to come up with this year ending purging from my life. The first post (Life’s Changing Landscape: Shelving 2011) covers the how/why, the rest will be the 31 things I am shelving from 2011 that will not go with me into the new year, the full list of posts pertaining to what I’m purging can be found here: Shelving 2011.

Box 28

My vanity is where it all happens in the morning.

My vanity

I sip coffee while putting on my face for the day, then drying my hair and applying whatever goop is going to be in it today.  It is my magical place because I am transformed from a sleepy, kinda pale looking zombie, into the marvelous and beautiful creature you see in person (if you know me).  Kinda of like Monsters Inc. to Cinderella or Snow White.  It is an amazing process.

Trouble is that the drawer of the vanity is a complete mess.  My buddy over at Martinis Needed would go into a full blown OCD melt down if she had to find anything in that drawer.  Needless to say this can slow a Diva down when she is trying to make awesome in a brief period of time before the baby arrives for the day to spit up all over said princess type.  I lead a very tough life.

So, Box 28 will be all of the crap in that drawer (i.e. old makeup, unused stuff etc) finding it’s way into the trash can.  I think I heard applause from down in the family room…

I will give you a peek into the drawer in question.

The drawer of the vanity

See…it really needs some…help.

Cleaning out that drawer will make my life so much easier.

Shelving 2011 ~ Box 27

I follow The Single Woman and that is where I was inspired to come up with this year ending purging from my life. The first post (Life’s Changing Landscape: Shelving 2011) covers the how/why, the rest will be the 31 things I am shelving from 2011 that will not go with me into the new year, the full list of posts pertaining to what I’m purging can be found here: Shelving 2011.

Box 27

Oh Tumblr, you are kinda cool and all, but really not feeling the love here.  I have tried very hard to like you, get into you, form a tight and lasting bond with you.  But, my confusing love, just not having any desire to update you or follow anyone on there with your assistance.  I think I will have to box you up now too and send you away.  I’m sorry, we both tried hard to make it work, but just not seeing the need to keep you in  my life, making me feel guilty for not updating you, paying you the proper  attention.  Thanks for the memories!

Yes, it is over.  I tried Tumblr, really tried to like it.  I am still at a loss as to what it’s purpose is in anyone’s life?  If I have any type of social media account I feel the need to update it and use it.  I’m finding this one to be more of a pain in the tush than it is worth.  I get nothing of value from it and waste time I cannot retrieve.  So, that one gets the box too.

Shelving 2011 ~ Boxes 22, 23, 24, 25 and 26

I follow The Single Woman and that is where I was inspired to come up with this year ending purging from my life. The first post (Life’s Changing Landscape: Shelving 2011) covers the how/why, the rest will be the 31 things I am shelving from 2011 that will not go with me into the new year, the full list of posts pertaining to what I’m purging can be found here: Shelving 2011.

Okay so I’ve been a bit busy with all the holiday hoopla, but I’m back to determining what needs to be left behind in 2011, and there are still a few items to go through.  Here the 5 boxes to bring me up to number 26.

Box 22

Oh this box is SO needed!  It is the one that is my organizer…that is less than organized at the moment.  I have so much stuff stuck in it with no real rhyme or reason that it is difficult to find what I need in it.  So, it will be cleaned out and the junk in it tossed and I will get it in an  order that makes it worth having so I am organized for the coming year!

Box 23

My linen drawer.  I have on drawer in my dresser that is for linens.  I am fortunate enough to have 3 sets of sheets for my bed and those are in that drawer.  Along  with cords for my  phone, Kindle, miscellaneous stuff I tossed in when I wasn’t sure what to do with it all.  Time to clean that out and apply the old 6 month rule: If I haven’t used it in 6 months, and it isn’t a seasonal item or  highly sentimental…it  goes in the trash can.  Things I know are in there that I need I can never find when I need them.   A sure sign things are just out of order in there.

Box 24

Half or partially finished projects.  I have a bad habit of starting a crochet project and then it sits and never gets finished.  Often it is the simple things too like the edge or fringe, but I never seem to get back to it.  I have several such things in my closet including the blanket I was making for the now ex boyfriend.  Time to  clear them out and finish them, pitch them, whatever needs to be done so that I can move in my closet again.  Too much wasted space cluttered with these things.

Box 25

Speaking of drawers….I need to do a major over haul of my dressers.  I have one in the bedroom, one in my very large, walk-in closet.  There are clothes in there that either don’t fit, are old, I think I might need some day etc.  Time for those to follow the path of the clothing from that now former way of life, to the trash!  I have a few  old shirts I keep because when watching little ones I find spit-up on my shoulder, or down the front of me, so that is worth keeping. The rest of the unused attire needs to go either to charity or the trash depending on the condition it is in.  Clean drawers!

Box 26

While I’m in the closet I might as well clean off the shelves.  I have SO many books that I really do not need or don’t need often enough to make them worth keeping in my closet.  I need the shelf space for other things, like Avon supplies.  It is so time to get those shelves cleaned off and get rid of what is up there that I really have no need to keep.  You know it is time when you could not being to give an account of what was lost if the house burned down or blew away.

Shelving 2011 ~ Boxes 19, 20 and 21

I follow The Single Woman and that is where I was inspired to come up with this year ending purging from my life. The first post (Life’s Changing Landscape: Shelving 2011) covers the how/why, the rest will be the 31 things I am shelving from 2011 that will not go with me into the new year, the full list of posts pertaining to what I’m purging can be found here: Shelving 2011.

Box 19

Empire Avenue….you fill up my inbox with emails about who bought shares in me or traded my shares.  I didn’t even know what it was when I signed up and the more I see, the less I care.  Time waster with absolutely NO purpose.  At least none I can see, so that is going on the shelf. Now if I can just figure out how to delete my account!

Box 20

News twitter accounts and Facebook accounts – I am so done following them.  My feeds fill up with all kinds of “breaking news” that frankly isn’t worth knowing.  And one local news chain has 3 twitter accounts, one for news, traffic and weather.  They tweet the same stupid information across all 3!  I follow weather to get weather, not traffic.  So, bye bye to all of it.  When I want to know what is going on in the world I will go to their sites to look.  No more weeding through things I just don’t care about!

Box 21

Sleeping in…excessively.  I’ve spent several days peeling the paint off the ceiling of my room way past when I needed to be in bed.  My normal rising time during the week is 5:30am.  It gives me time to shower, dress, check emails and allow coffee to pass the blood brain barrier so I can function enough to ensure I diaper the right end of the babies.  🙂  7:30am is sleeping in, by 2 hours.  Time to start pulling out of the rack so that the day is not a waste of time.  Too much to accomplish!

Shelving 2011 ~ Boxes 15, 16, 17 and 18

I follow The Single Woman and that is where I was inspired to come up with this year ending purging from my life. The first post (Life’s Changing Landscape: Shelving 2011) covers the how/why, the rest will be the 31 things I am shelving from 2011 that will not go with me into the new year, the full list of posts pertaining to what I’m purging can be found here: Shelving 2011.

I’ve been busy and haven’t really worked on this purging thing but I’m going to try to get caught up today!

Box 15

Time management – or the lack there of. We’ll called it unstructured time.  That is an area that needs my attention in a big way.  The lack of scheduling my life is killing me.  I already have  procrastination boxed but the lack of a planned day isn’t helping me either.  I need to start setting specific times for things…Saturdays for delivering Avon.  An  hour in the evening to read because “good leaders are good readers” and in order to lead this Avon unit I need to stay on that.  I even need to set specific scheduled days for things like my laundry, and  times of the day  for relaxing  things like online games.  Structure!  Yep that is what I need, no more cluttered time.

Box 16

Lack of sleep, or staying up too late.  I have a really bad habit of doing this and it is not helping in the issues in box 15.  I set my alarm for a specific time each morning, 5:20am, then hit the snooze alarm numerous times because i stayed up way too late the night  before.  This isn’t good because I am behind by the time I do finally get out of bed, sometimes waiting to shower until the baby I watch is asleep.  That didn’t work out so hot this past week as she was sick and Friday sounded croopy to me so I was  not about to  let her sleep without keeping a close eye on her.  I am off for 2 weeks from childcare, time to catch  up on my sleep and work on getting all these boxes dealt with so that come 1/1/2012 I am purged and rolling on energy.

Box 17

LAZINESS when it comes to my lack of getting off my rump and exercising.  High blood pressure and heart disease are in my genetic makeup so, as this 48yo has yet to discover the fountain of youth, it is high time I actually DID something.  We have a treadmill, weights, and 3 flights of stairs in this big house.  Not to mention a  street that is long enough to loop for walking and a gorgeous park with hiking trails 2 blocks away.  I think it is time to box up the laziness and start getting a little toning and cardio worked back in to my life.

Box 18

With the laziness taking a hike it is time I started eating wiser too.  Not  just a bit healthier, but a bit LESS.  I used to follow Gwen Shamblin (girl get rid of the 80’s hair and ease up on the tanning, you look like a crack whore) and Susan Powter (I won’t touch this one too much there)  until I felt like they seriously derailed mentally (and to think my ex husband thinks I have mental issues?).  But they both do have some good advice.  Cut portions in half and eat far less fat.  Dolly Partin lost all her weight years ago by continuing to eat all the things she  liked just eating less of it.  So, some serious focus on cutting down to portions sizes and cutting out some of the crap I eat (like um BEER which my son tells me goes right to the butt).

Ah there, all caught up on purging.

Shelving 2011 ~ Box 14

I follow The Single Woman and that is where I was inspired to come up with this year ending purging from my life. The first post (Life’s Changing Landscape: Shelving 2011) covers the how/why, the rest will be the 31 things I am shelving from 2011 that will not go with me into the new year, the full list of posts pertaining to what I’m purging can be found here: Shelving 2011.

Box 14 

As my lucky number is 13, this had to wait for a different number.  I also had to hold to see if there was to be any change in things.  I texted Steve, aka – The Count, last night before I went to sleep.  I asked if in fact I am to assume it is finished.  Nothing.  12 hours have passed, I know he got up and went to work so he saw it on his phone.  Nothing.  I did my crying myself to sleep (thank you Anew eye cream for hiding the  puffy eyes in the mornings), and  I’m done.  I cannot change what is and after re-reading my Pros and Cons post I realize that just because I love the man, it isn’t enough to stick around and hope to be thrown a crumb now and then.  It takes more than love to keep a relationship going, and he either can’t, won’t, or doesn’t want too.

While it was, in my opinion just a break down in communication, and was over something so small and ridiculous as a Facebook post that offended him, that is a symptom of the bigger issue.  The issue is that evidentially his feelings for me were not strong enough to be committed at the level mine were.  I cannot fault him for that.  It is either there or it isn’t.  I won’t chase anyone, if their love isn’t freely given without condition, then it isn’t really love and it certainly isn’t worth having.  There are entirely too many men out there more than willing to love me, unconditionally, that have made it very well known they are smitten.

I won’t box up the little gifts, those are special and hold special memories of good times together.  There are no hard  feelings on my part, just a very large crack in my heart.  It will heal.  I’m just thankful that it only took 5 months and not 5 years to come to this, when my heart would have been more deeply rooted in him, making the break even more difficult.

The Count – boxed and being left behind in 2011.

Shelving 2011 ~ Box 12 and 13

I follow The Single Woman and that is where I was inspired to come up with this year ending purging from my life. The first post (Life’s Changing Landscape: Shelving 2011 covers the how/why, the rest will be the 31 things I am shelving from 2011 that will not go with me into the new year, the full list of posts pertaining to what I’m purging can be found here: Shelving 2011.

 

These two boxes should be pretty easy to pack up.  They are small issues, though they do tend to mess up my day at some point.

Box #12 

Box 12 is shedding…yes I am guilty of shedding.  No not my hair…my stuff.  As a rule I only shed in my room, it is very rare that anyone will find my shoes, phone, socks or whatever, discarded about the house.  However I am guilty of that in my room.

I walk up with my shoes and drop them by the bed rather than putting them in the closet.

Mail gets dumped on the table just inside the door until there is a tower of it and Pixel knocks it down.

Avon catalogs…yeah same as the mail.

And so it goes.  Over all if you walked in  my room 95% of folks would say it was in order and clean.  But those things stacking up mean I forget to pay a bill that is in the stack, or I cannot find that note I jotted down about a website or book I want to check out.  Stuff stacks up on my Bible and I forget to read it that day because out of sight out of mind, and it just isn’t the solid habit I need it to be.

SO…shedding goes in a box.  No more of this!  In 2012 it gets put in it’s proper place as soon as I take it to my room!

Box #13

My #1 Avon customer.   Um, yeah that would be ME.  I have a tendency to buy more than I should which eats into my baby sitting money and wrecks my neat little budget.  Bad I know.  I don’t keep close track of things like I should on the “Deal Of The Day” and hit the purchase button way too quickly.

My #1 customer is going in a box and being shelved.  I will only buy what I have  profits from my Avon to afford.  And  that will be worked out on a percentage basis for anything that isn’t business tools like brochures, bags etc.  No more buying stuff that is “so darn cute” I just have to have it unless I have the profits from the previous order and then only a percentage is to be spent the rest is to sit in my account toward my goals.