Monday Memos

Monday MemosDear Self,

It has occurred to me, as I was lying awake the other night listening to one Diva snoring, then the other answering her, also snoring, that we may have misjudged the neighbor we affectionately have dubbed “Schleprock”.  Perhaps it isn’t that his shutters are not properly installed, as we laugh at them randomly falling off his house.  It may not be the fault of his skills that caused the most recent one to detach from his home, cascading to the ground, taking some of his siding with it.  It COULD be that with 3 of us snoring so hard, we’re sucking the shutters right off of his home.  Lord knows we’re peeling paint from various neighbors!  I dare say if we were all sick with a cold and snoring we might start pulling cars from garages on our street.  It might be time for breathing strips?

Regards,
The Diva Who Is Also The Restock Fairy

 

Dear Printer,

You suck.  There was a time not so long ago when you and the laptop were best of friends.  All things sent would print as if by magic, remotely or through the USB.  But for some reason you are now acting like a spoiled child and won’t play nice in the sandbox with the laptop.  I dislike you for this, very much.  When I tried to print the workbook for my class  you behaved badly and just stopped communicating at all.  Fine, screw you, the Kinko office is nearby and they were very happy to print the workbook for my class next week.  Keep it up and I’ll just go there and write off all expenses.  Take that lazer brains!

Humph!
Not feeling so Marvelous

 

Dear Self,

Stick to your diet guns!  138 days until we depart with The Badge for Sarasota to house hunt.  You want to be sporting that bikini body when you arrive. You are doing great, keep up the good work!  Though you MIGHT want to consider cutting the 30 Day Squat Challenge numbers in half the first round or you may never walk again.

Sincerely,
You Are Out Of Shape Sister!

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Monday Memos

Monday MemosDear Self,

A little less beer = less need to detox me the next day.

The struggle is real,
Your liver

Ah but it was so much fun!!!  The Badge and I went to church then off to watch football at a wing place.  It was a great time to say the least!!!  I’m not ready to declare anything other than yes we are dating and we’ll see where it goes.  Right now I am having a blast, and so thankful he is going to church with me each week and will be for the Thanksgiving Eve service.  This makes me happy as my faith is important and if I am going to get in a relationship the guy has to at least be open to exploring that faith.

 

Dear Adorable Ian,

Nana’s greatest joy was holding you through church.  You are so precious and tiny, and I love snuggling with you while you sleep.  All too soon you will be in the toddler room wanting to play rather than be held during service.  I am treasuring this time while we have it.

Love you Snugglebug!
Nana

This was the second Sunday I held my newest grandchild through service.  He is 9 weeks and sleeps through the whole thing despite how loud the band is!  I love every second and wouldn’t trade it for the world. This is such a wonderful chapter in my life.

 

Dear Chili On The Stove,

You are making the whole house smell amazing even though it is just the meat and seasonings at this point.  Oh and fresh onion this time rather than frozen.  Jeanne is chopping them for me and we’re both crying from it but it is funny!  You are one of the top 5 meals in the Diva Den even when we have to use ground beef rather than venison.

Sincerely,

My taste buds

It really is an amazing meal.  The pot is big enough to bathe a toddler in, and we’ll have chili, chili spaghetti, chili dogs and other forms of chili something before it is all gone.  I love this meal.

Here is the recipe:

Marvelous Marti’s Amazing Black Bean Chili:

3-5 pound of ground beef or venison
6 cans of seasoned black beans
6 cans of diced tomatoes with chili seasoning
2 envelopes of chili powdere
2 envelopes of onion soup mix (dried)
2 large onions or one bag of frozen onions chopped

Brown  the meat.  If you use venison I suggest at least one pound of ground beef to add enough fat to keep it from burning.  Add the chili powder, onion soup mix and onions, allow it all to mingle in the pot for a bit on low.  Now add the beans and tomatoes and simmer on low for at least an hour.

This is awesome chili, not too spicy and yummy!

 

Monday Memos

Monday MemosDear Self,

It is okay that at 51 you have a fear of the dark.  I mean, really, everyone has fears and whatever it is  you fear it is legit.  However, it is a tad strange that though you fear the dark, you are annoyed by the clock on the cable box under the TV.  Do you get that you are a tad bit of a wacko over this development in your insanity?  Just wondered.

Sincerely,

Your inner adult still trying to get out.

 

Dear School Bus Drivers,

Is it REALLY necessary to back up  on this street to the curve rather than just go on down and turn around in our very large cul-de-sac?  Seriously the quint from the fire house manages and that sucker is way bigger than you.  That annoying back up alert beeping at the crack of dawn is starting to get under my last nerve, and that is not a good place to be.  I’ll end up getting arrested, sneaking around the school bus lot after dark trying to find the right bus to disable the beeper.  Please, just go on down and turn around.

Kind Regards,

Someone who likes to sleep in whenever she can.

 

Dear Mother Nature,

You are really being uncooperative here of late.  It is October 27th, time for chillier temperatures.  YOU brought us frost warnings of late, today you smack us with 80 degrees??  Are you suffering from PMS or something?  I am up to my eyeballs in a blanket I need to finish and you are making it rather uncomfy to be sitting under the project I am currently working on.  Back off the mood swing and give us back that nice, put a log on the fire weather!

Irritatedly Yours,

Yes, I know that is not a word and I don’t care.

 

 

 

Monday Memos – OOPS My Bad

Monday MemosDear Self,

Perhaps you need to take a deep breath in and RELAX!  You obviously lost your sense of humor gene somewhere.  He was kidding, but you know on texts it IS hard to tell.  But it’s all okay now and gosh he really DOES seem like a nice guy.  Time will tell.  Meanwhile, ease up on the poor guy and calm down some.

Really girlfriend, what would make you even give someone the time of day who was critical of everything you like?

  • Your community
  • Your hobbies
  • Your favorite TV shows
  • Your job preferences
  • Your nickname
  • Your faith
  • Your faith practices like tithing & abstaining from sex outside of marriage
  • Your sleeping habits
  • Pretty much everything about you they learned.

Were you really shocked that someone like that would tell you that THEIR goal for you was to shed 35 pounds and be bikini ready 7 months from now? Oh and change your hair back to blond.

If said person, we shall refer to this one as The Badge,  was really intrigued with you, as stated, then they would not wish to change anything, but rather would be drawn to know more about you, what makes you tick, who you are, but not try to change you.  Then they aren’t intrigued, they are controlling, manipulative assholes and you don’t need another one of those in your life. Ever. Again.

INTRIGUED:
verb

1. to arouse the curiosity or interest of by unusual, new, or otherwise fascinating or compelling qualities; appeal strongly to; captivate

That doesn’t say anything about you being a menu that has substitutions available or made to order Barbie Doll.

And to think I thought firefighters born under the sign of Aquarius were the worst of the swine.

THIS is why I don’t date anymore.

Sincerely,

Your Inner Goddess

~*~

Dear Self,

Excellent choice of therapy, going and watching the planes land for a bit, then a ride on the ferry.  The Happy Meal was pretty cool too.  Next time stop and buy bubbles and we can go talk to Fred while we blow bubbles in the cemetery.

Hugs,

Your Inner Child

~*~

Dear Self,

You’re still f*cking perfect, you just need to take a step back from the edge of the cliff.  Sir Lancelot used to tell you that often, he is right.  Hey, Badge, I’m sorry, and glad we talked it all out Tuesday night into the wee hours of Wednesday morning.  Duct tape to the mouth and hands probably would be a good idea.  NO not for that!  Mind out of gutter!  It’s to keep me from running my mouth until I get the whole story, and to tape my hands to the desk so I don’t go off on the keyboard for at least 24 hours.  Told you that you were in for a wild ride.

Remember, there have been some good guys among the dirt bags.  Super Hero told you not to lose weight, he liked your curves and didn’t want a stick.  He liked you just the way you were.  Teddy Bear as well, thinks you are pretty special.  The Biker went as far as to call your curvy self exquisite.  There are others out there who would love you just as you are and it is definitely The Badge’s loss. So don’t let your self esteem take a hit over this, remove the negativity from your social media and move on.  You’re f*cking perfect, don’t forget it.

Sincerely,

Your Inner Amazing, Marvelous Self

~*~

Dear Badge,

Take a hike, you are not even close to worthy of me across the river, let’s have a beer.  🙂

Sincerely,

The Marvelous One

 

Monday Memos

Monday MemosDear Penny,

I love you, little doggie.  Really I do.  I know that you think your job is to protect me from all things you feel are a danger to me.  It really isn’t that I do not appreciate this, as you are just trying to do your job.  You are a working girl now, you go to work every day with mommy.  But we need to talk and come to an understanding.  Every truck that goes down the road is not our enemy.  We are safe, inside the building, they are out on the street.  They are a necessary evil in life.

The UPS and FedEx delivery folks are also not only NOT our enemies, they bring us packages making the workday kind of feel like Christmas.  When you jump up and down at the gate to my office, barking like we’re under a zombie attack, I realize you think you are scary stuff.  They are laughing at you and not at all afraid.  You bounce when  you bark, it is amusing but not frightening.  It is also deafening and we’d all appreciate it if you would not carry on like this.

Love,

Mommy

~*~

Dear Alarm Clock,

I know that we have a long history, one that is bitter sweet.  Bitter in that you are rude and obnoxious, a most unwelcome sound each weekday morning.  Sweet in that without you I’d not be on time for work and that would eventually cost me the job as they are rather fond of me at the office.  This little game we play each day where I click your snooze button and you go all cute and silent for 9 minutes, while a tough habit to break, needs to stop.   Blame Darren Hardy and his book, The Compound Effect.  You get one snooze hit from now on, that is all.  And those 9 minutes will no longer be used to fall back to sleep but rather to greet the morning with things I am thankful for, someone to pray for and a quick assessment mentally of my goals for the day.  It’s been a nice arrangement, pushing your button several times each day, but we’re stopping.  You’ll get over it, so will I!

Sincerely,

I need more focus and less snoozing marathons

~*~

 

Dear UPS & FEDEX,

You are late!  I am chomping at the bit to get my items and where the heck are you?  I purposely had the items shipped to the office so I could dive in over lunch but that isn’t going to happen as you have not shown your faces.  I’d know, because the dog would alert me, and you haven’t even been on our street.  I suppose it is possible the packages won’t come today but really they SHOULD!  Make it happen!

Regards,

A very impatient woman

 

Monday Memos

Monday MemosDear Ritzy Old Broad,

Driving down the highway with your dog in  your lap, partially blocking your view, is just plan DUMB!  There is no way you could possibly see in the driver’s side mirror to change lanes with your dog filling up half the window from the dash toward the rear of the car.  I’m very thankful that I was 2 lanes over out of your reach.  If you put half the amount of thought into your safety, and others, as you do choosing the bazzillion blings you had on, maybe you’d realize how dangerous it is for your pooch to be between you and the airbag, should you wreck and it deploy.

The Responsible Dog Owner (mine rides shot gun and stays put)

~*~

Dear Skyler,

Mama loves you, my dear little fuzz ball.  Your long fur, your chocolate-orange eyes, and the way you sit there with the tip of your tongue sticking out while you drool all over yourself sometimes.  I am convinced you are mentally touched, ‘special’ as my daughter would say.  I also understand that being at the vet’s office is a bit traumatic for you.  However, next time you bite into my hand, refusing to let go, do not be shocked if you find yourself learning to fly.

You loving staff member – the one who feeds you

~*~

Dear Summer,

I miss you. Very very much.  I’m sorry about whatever has come between us, please come back.

Possibly your biggest fan

~*~

Dear Penny,

I love you, my wonderful little pooch.  But let me make myself very clear (again).  The cats eat cat food.  Dogs eat dog food.  Any consumption of the cat’s food seems to cause issues in your digestive track.  In fact, this most recent time has resulted in my having to stand in the cold rain while you rid your poor little system of the diarrhea brought on by eating what is not meant for your sensitive insides. All. Day. Long.  It’s gross and it makes you stink.  And after the kitten’s bout with it, well frankly I’d like to write about something other than my critter’s green-apple-quick-steps if you don’t mind.

Your adoring owner

~*~

Dear DVR Box,

Thank you for just being you.  The task you perform means I can now go curl up under my blanket and watch last night’s episode of Downton Abbey, which I hear was loaded with drama.  I cannot wait to snuggle in, tea in hand, diffuser filling the room with relaxing essential oils, my teddy bear, jammies and whichever pets decide to come join me.

Thinks killing off Matthew was just WRONG

Monday Memos

Monday MemosDear Self, 

Nothing beats a really good book that grabs you and keeps your interest, something you just do not want to put down.  Even better is when that book has a “part 2” and it is very inexpensive so you download it right away and start reading.  After all, having a Kindle means no driving to the book store, which happened to be closed upon reaching the end of book #1, so even better.

However, while the books were indeed very good and recommended reads, perhaps 2:30am was just a little late (or maybe early depending if you mean late at night or early in the morning) to stay awake and finish a book.  You are not 18 anymore, you NEED a good night of sleep just to resemble ‘normal’ on your best day.  So, what do you think, maybe leave the Kindle in your purse tonight and go to bed early?

Love,
Me

Dear Amazing Individual Responsible For Coffee,

I don’t know you.  I have no idea whatever possessed you to grind up coffee beans and mix them with hot water to create this glorious potion in my cup, but I cannot thank you enough.  There simply are no adequate words.  No doubt you were given gold wings when you arrived at the pearly gates as a reward.

In awe,
Caffeine Addict

P.S. – every living creature on  2 or 4 legs that crosses my path each morning sends their unabashed gratitude as well.

Dear Scale,

Okay, I get it, time to duct tape my mouth shut.  The screaming in agony was really uncalled for, even if my ass is the size of a Volkswagen Beetle. RUDE!

Regards,
Pleasantly Plump

Dear I-75N Morning Commuters,

When traffic that normally cruises down the highway, far exceeding the posted speed limit, is suddenly at a stand-still, then inching along, I expect carnage!  Twisted steel, shattered glass, maybe even body parts and blood on the pavement, a life-less hand sticking out from under a sheet.  Sun is NOT an excuse to suddenly screetch to a halt and then drive along trying to see through your fingers and dirty windshield.  BUY A PAIR OF GOOD SUNGLASSES!!  Nearly every stop-n-rob and gas station has a rack of eye protection that varies in price so there is something for every budget.  You all drive this same route every day, this is not a new event, it should not come as a shocker!

You should also consider GETTING OFF THE CELL PHONE so you have a free hand to shield your eyes, and put down the coffee for the same reason.

Sincerely,
Thinks Road Rage Might Be Justifiable – Thank whoever discovered coffee that I’ve not aimed my grandpa’s proverbial “gun that shot sh*t” at your car and opened fire.

Monday Memos

Dear Noel,

I get that you are the top cat in the house.  For the record you are also the biggest and heaviest of the felines allowing us to feed and house them.

So what happened?  You normally will not step paw one into my room, as it is Pixel’s sleeping place and you usually respect that fact.  If I look at you, then you suddenly exit the room in a hurry.  Until 4am this morning when I woke to you laying on my chest.  For the record, yes, you purring is kind of soothing, and it was nice and warm.  However, you are a bit of a lard-butt when it comes to cats.  And breathing IS kind of necessary for me to continue to live, fill the food bowls and clean your litter box.

Next time, just curl up by my leg like Pixel does, if you insist on suddenly sleeping with us.

Humbly,
The Feline Feeder & Litter Cleaner Upper

Dear Warner Cable,

REALLY????

I mean REALLY REALLY????

We call you on Saturday because suddenly our cable, that was working just dandy Friday evening, is no longer functioning.  You remotely reset/boot all the boxes in the house (which by the way is just kinda creepy that you can do that).  The boxes all go into an eternal state of rebooting over and over.  We follow all of your help desk’s scripted instructions spoken in barely discernible English by a warm body in another country, unplugging, re-plugging, only to be told a technician will have to come see what the issue is on Monday.  We did without football on our TV, Once Upon A Time, The Walking Dead, 666 Park Avenue, and then suddenly the boxes are back on and the cable is working within an hour of the expected ETA of the technician, as if by magic??????  Are you sure it wasn’t just that no one was available this past weekend to throw the right switch or reboot YOUR box?

Grrrrrrr,
Wants Credit For Missed Days Of Television

Dear SparkPeople,

I thank you profusely for your FREE, diet and fitness website.  OMG nothing like tracking everything going in the mouth to suddenly make healthier food choices in order to spread those daily calories out a bit.  And yes, I know, those healthy carbs, some fat and the protein are very important to functioning fully.  Not to mention the 8 glasses of water a day I’m drinking again.  As one who easily is dehydrated that probably SHOULD be a good thing but I am not a big fan of drinking water.  But okay, I’m on it.  Heck I get to earn Spark Points, and I’m all about earning virtual points for virtual stuff, just ask FourSquare when I check in all over town and hold virtual Mayorship of dozens of places including our upstairs bathroom.

Seriously, I love the site, love the free everything on there and the exercise videos.  You all rock!

Gratefully,
My Future Slimmer, Fitter Me

Monday Memos

Dear Neighbor,

I want to first tell you that I love animals, especially dogs, cats and deer.  The cats I am quite certain you’ve picked up on as there are 3 of them in this house and whenever there are open windows they all sit in the window watching the world (we call this kitty cat television with surround sound when the window is open).

You know I love dogs as I have been known to doggie sit my daughter’s little Yorkie, Penny, when she is away.  We’ve had the Akita on the back deck for a day too, though we regret that she was not allowed in the house as she views the cats as 4-legged snack food.   But I’m hijacking this memo….

I love deer, and that is one thing I dearly love about living in this house, the woods behind us and the deer that are often seen grazing in the back yard.

What I do NOT love is your obnoxious dog that never stops barking and has kept the deer away.  Put him out to do his business then bring his sorry, barking tail inside so we don’t have to hear him all day and the deer will return.

Kind Regards,

Growing Tired Of The Barking

🙂

Dear Bengals,

That really was not an impressive game yesterday.  Last week’s win was not very pretty but then I’ll take a win any way we can have it.  But really, when you are down by 4 so close to the end of the game, is 4th down and 5 really NOT a good excuse to just freaking GO FOR IT????? What did you have to lose at that point?  SIGH, being a fan of your stripes is not easy most Sundays.  Please, get it together.

A disgruntled fan

P.S. – Bravo Colts!

😦

Dear Kurt Sutter,

I got hooked on your show after being an ‘old lady’ to a biker for a while who was a member of an outlaw motorcycle club.  I love the show, the realism of it all, but really, did it have to be Opie????  I suppose it IS realistic that way, but wow did not see that one coming!  I’m on the edge of my seat this season, cringing, crying, laughing and cheering on the bad boys each week.  By far this is the best season you’ve written.  I’ll forgive you for killing off main characters, as long as you leave Gemma, Tara and Jax alone.   I think we need more episodes of Jax & Juice without shirts on. *panting*

Sincerely,

A devoted Sons Of Anarchy Fan

🙂

Dear FarmVille2

I hate you.  No offense but really I hate you.  I have a business to run, and while I’m out there building my team and trying to keep the business going, I’m back to worrying about crops withering in fields and chickens going hungry.  Please, help a farmer out here and get an app for that please!  At least then I can milk the cows while on the go!

Regretfully,

Farming Pixel Produce Again

😦

Dear Cyber Stalking Chick,

Shame on you!  I am told you lost someone to suicide who was a victim of being  bullied.  They also tell me you were under psychiatric care yourself for being a victim of bullying.  And now you are yourself a bully!  You should be ashamed of yourself!  By the way, be careful dear, not everyone is really your friend, and they have tossed you under the bus this time.  What  you are doing is  a crime, move on and fascinate someone else, my patience is wearing ever so thin.  Get a life that doesn’t involve me or mine.

Fed Up,

Time For Serious Legal Action

Monday Memos

Dear Self,

If ever I wish to stage a crime scene, I must remember that my current hair dye would substitute well for slightly old blood.  While washing my hair in the shower after dying it Saturday evening, I noted that the tub and walls looked a lot like a blood bath had occurred in there.  In a weird kind of way I found it rather cool!

For the record, of course I cleaned up!  No evidence left behind 😉

Regards,

Me

~*~

Dear Readers,

Need knock-off, high quality imitation Rolex watches?  Having erectile dysfunction issues and need something more natural than the little blue pill?  Want to save someone’s life that says my cooperation is a matter of life and death to hundreds of their people?  Maybe you want to assist some dude that works in an African bank and is sure that YOU are the lone, surviving relative of some rich soul that died and they want to transfer mega bucks to you and YOUR bank account?  Either way, I am your go-to girl.  Per my spam file on email I seem to have all the connections.  Hey, I’m cool like that, I’ll share!

For shits and giggles,

Me

~*~

Dear Pinterest,

I hate you.  Okay not really but wow I could eat up hours and hours there pinning a few thousand cool things I can only dream of having the time to actually DO some day!

Addicted,

Me

~*~

Dear Stalkers,

Hopefully you have all moved on and found better things to do than read my tweets and blogs.  But just in case you are still here (and we both know that you are because I am just that darned irresistible), here is wishing you are great week!

Me