My Marvelous Relationship Non-negotiables

still life with vintage writing instrumentsOne of my virtual mentors, Darren Hardy, posted recently in the morning mentoring email, about his and his wife’s relationship non-negotiables.   He then challenged folks in a relationship to huddle with their significant other and come up with said list of their own.  For us singles, he challenged us to do one that will work well later as a vetting filter.  I loved the idea and decided to work on one tonight.  I am sitting here with a glass of wine, a candle burning in my room and soft music playing.  Can you say relaxing?

Marvelous Relationship Commandments

The Non-negotiables For A Relationship With Marvi Marti

Never, ever, use the ‘D’ word – Divorce is NOT an option.  If I marry I expect those vows to mean something.  It’s about forever and not looking back.  Anything can be fixed and gotten past.  No threats of quitting.  I’m not perfect and neither are you…him…whoever it may end up being is not perfect and will come with habits and quirks and a list of faults.  Get over mine, I plan to get over yours!

Name calling is a no no!  Name calling is the stuff of playgrounds full of children.  Leave the unkind names out of things.

MOVE!  As in endless hours in front of the television is not acceptable to me.  Hour after hour of sitting there watching the same concert, movie, or playing video games endlessly is not something I can live with.  Yes, we all need to relax now and then, but you cannot nurture a relationship when you are killing off the enemy or watching some band for the 110th time on video.  Get up, take a walk with me, talk to me, grocery shop with me, DO SOMETHING with me that requires movement.

Grow on a personal level.  Read, listen to CDs, do things to improve you.  One cannot complain about one’s station in life if you are not doing something to improve it.  Stuck in the same rut day in and day out but doing nothing to improve that is not healthy.  Take a class, work toward a promotion, but do something to stretch and grow yourself.

Personal upkeep.  Yes we are all getting older, and carrying around a few extra pounds.  But at least make an effort to be reasonably fit, and take care of yourself in what you eat, in hygiene and over all maintenance of you!

Church and faith.  Faith is important and on at least most fronts we need to be of like faith and going to church together.  Lead the home front, no matter how imperfectly, through prayer and studying God’s Word together.  Helping each other in our walk will help us grow together.

Intimacy.  It is for married folks, and I will not budge on that.  I believe God’s Word is clear on the topic.  But once married, I believe sexual intimacy is a must, and the more frequent the better.  Physical expression of what is in the heart is vital.  Making love with heart, mind, body and soul cannot be put off for any length of time apart from illness or required distance apart because of work obligations, and should be resumed immediately once back together.

Faithfulness.  No question, if you are a cheater, you are not welcome in my life.  I won’t share what is mine.  Mentally, physically and emotionally there should be complete faithfulness.  The boys at the office don’t need to know what goes on between us, let them wonder, it is not their business.

PDA.  While it is not necessary to climb all over each other, I don’t care to be with someone who cannot hold my hand in public, or show small signs of affection toward me in front of others.  I’m not talking about deep, passionate kisses, but there should never be a doubt that a couple is a couple.

Honesty.  Lying is not ever okay.  EVER.

These are just things I cannot give an inch on, period.  I know there is a man out there who feels the same way, and there may be things he feels need to be added to the list.  I don’t believe these are unreasonable at all.  Now if only such a man exists!

A Long Over Due Apology To TQE

I'm sorryDear Teresa/Queenie (TQE),

You are correct, you have never read a word of an apology from me for the ugly things I have said about you in the past on my blog.  While I could swear I had done so in email, you are entitled to a very public apology here on my page, where I had posted those unkind things.  I am embarrassed that this was not sooner, as it should have been.

I am sorry, for anything I have said or posted, that was unkind, ugly, negative or caused you pain in some way.  I will not insult you by trying to justify a single word, it really was not necessary.  You did not deserve to be treated in any way but with respect and as one who ascribes to the Thumper rule (if you don’t have something nice to say it isn’t necessary to say anything at all), I should have simply kept silent.

What I said and posted was meant to cut deep and cause you pain in your heart, and if I was successful then I am truly sorry.  I had no right to lash out at you the way that I did.  I am quite guilty of using my blog to attack others in the past, you were one of my targets.  I very much regret every unkind word, and if there are an posts remaining with unkind things said I will remove them at once.

I’d like to add that I am very sorry I was not a better friend to you when we were on good terms.  I could have been so much more than I was, and I know looking back over my life that I have had a selfish streak in me that needed weeding out.

I mean every word of this post, it is from my heart.

You were a good friend, and I miss the friendship terribly.

I hope you will find it in your heart one day to forgive me.  Meanwhile I will always pray for you when I see the bracelet I wear on my arm, for all good things and blessings to come your way.

Kindest regards, and blessings to you.

Marti

 

No Way Can You Really Be So Happy!

02ef409bb7a269ae2d20d38aa741b5afAh but marvelous reader, I am indeed VERY happy!

What we focus on is where our heart will go.  Much of our ‘mood’ is a decision, how we react to circumstances.

Suppose this morning on the commute to work, someone busy on their cell phone texting a friend, rear-ended my beloved little Henrietta.  Now I love that car, and I’m just as excited driving it today as I was months ago when I purchased her.  Would this make me happy?  NO! I’d be upset that my cute little vehicle was crumpled.  Knowing that in the next day or so I’d be in a lot of neck and back pain would not thrill me either.  At that moment I have choices in how I will respond to this.  I can get out of my car screaming foul words at the driver behind me then spend the rest of the day fuming and focusing on all the bad aspects associated with this situation. OR I can get out, make sure the other driver is not injured, call 911 and my insurance company, and be thankful.  Thankful I’m alive, that I’m insured (and hopefully so is the person who caused the accident), that pain relievers are available to treat the inevitable pain I’ll encounter and that it wasn’t worse.  I can hand it all to God in prayer and spend the day focusing on the good things in my life, the blessings in my life and pray for the individual who is responsible.

Life is full of hiccups and road blocks, disappointments and painful occurrences.

Life is more full of wonder, beauty, good things, happiness, love and blessings.

Just because I make a choice to celebrate the good doesn’t mean the bad hurts any less or is any less there.  I’m not in denial.  I’m deciding what will be my focus each day and that is to focus on those things that make me smile, laugh, be encouraged and the mood comes with that focus.

Yes I am really this happy!  My life is so full of wonder and blessings, love and joy!  The more I find joy in life, the less and less significant those other things become.

Try it some time!

 

 

QUIET!!!! Simplify, Downsize, Restructure

iStock_000039816568SmallThree words that can cause sheer panic in the work force:

Simplify

Downsize

Restructure

But when it comes to social media?  THAT is another story.  It can cause a lot of strife when you remove folks from your feed, deleting them from Facebook and Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest.  I myself have had my feelings hurt when someone(s) remove me from following them before stopping to realize that they really had nothing of value to follow to begin with, and obviously felt I offered nothing.  Besides, who really needs the drama?  I deleted my own father off my Facebook more than once now because I simply could not stand another word of negativity.

Often times I follow, friend, etc., someone I think will add value to my life in someway, only to find out that most of what is there, while of value, simply is not relevant to my life at the present time.  It isn’t anything personal, it is simply that I just don’t have time to weed through things to get to the meatier items I’m seeking.   Or my feed is just too ‘noisy’ with things I cannot keep up with and so I start removing those things.

Hopefully folks won’t take it too personally if they suddenly discover they were eliminated from my feeds but I need to simplify my life a bit.  Between working, writing and more direct sales businesses than I can shake a stick at, I need to ease up on the flow of information I need to wade through each day.  I’d love to always reciprocate when someone follows me, but I just cannot do it.

It is time to clean off my followers, clean up my Pinterest boards, and simplify my social media addiction.  My sister-in-law is shutting down her Facebook entirely, and anymore I can understand that.  If it isn’t adding anything of value to her life, it’s gone.  While I’m not at that point yet, I totally support the effort.  I cleaned off Twitter and got down to following 125 people from over 200.  My goal is to get to 125 and no more than that.  I’m getting rid of the news and weather I follow, as it’s never any good news and the weather I can get by going to a site when I want to know.  It isn’t as if knowing what the weather will be is going to change anything and it’s just a bunch of digital clatter I don’t want in my life any longer.  My mind will be much healthier without it all.

I started the downsizing efforts Wednesday evening.  I was cleaning out my favorites/bookmarks in my phone and found myself on a former friend’s Twitter page.  I sent a request to follow, as it is private, before realizing that not only was I poking the bear, but it is most unlikely she would have anything of value to add to my feed at all.  Drama? More negativity?  No thanks.  I removed the request so hopefully she didn’t get herself in too big a snit over it.

My passion is my writing and my Avon business.  I dabble with the hobbies of Advocare, Jewelry In Candles, Charmed And Company Creations, Javita Coffee & SwissJust.  Mostly those get me a better price than if I weren’t a consultant/rep/distributor.  But the passion and love is truly with Avon.  Writing is therapy and a love I’ve always had since a child.  Those will have my utmost attention.

My faith will come first, above all else.  Then family, work, writing and hobbies.  My needle work (crocheting) will take a place when the weather is cooler.  I’m learning to calender block my time, down to washing my face, packing lunch for the next day, etc.  so that my time is better spent and I’m  more organized.

Delete, delete, delete some more.  It’s quieting down already!

A Year Later And The Landscape Has Changed

1932291_436123619867487_337979908_nWhenever one of us is in the middle of a difficult time in life, mom reminds us that “a year from now the landscape of your life will be very different.”  Over the past 4 years that has proven to be very true indeed.  So much so that my niece has it tattoo’d down the middle of her back.

4 years ago at this time, I was preparing for my divorce.  The ex wanted out, and on May 1st the Diva Den gals were all moving into our new house.  I embraced the light on this time frame, thankful for the amazing home, the women in my family who were wrapped lovingly around me in support.  Yes, I was emotionally shattered and some days it hurt just to breathe, but my marriage was over and I had to accept that.  It is amazing how, when one adopts an attitude of gratitude, happiness will invade the soul.

Every year since, around this time of year, I am able to look back and see how the landscape has once again changed and transformed.  The divorce was a major turning point, so there is BD – before divorce, and AD – after divorce.  Everyone does this over some major life event…before the fire, after the fire…before daddy died, after daddy’s death.  Last year, just before turning 50, I had met someone I thought would be the forever love of my life.  We met on a dating site, hit it off well, and in a matter of weeks I was living with him.  I called him The Knight.

We had a comfortable, mellow life in the palace.  When the kids were there it wasn’t quite as mellow but all was still good.  I was content.  But I was not truly happy.  We never had a cross word between us, and he made me laugh every single day.  But we didn’t fit together.  Does that make sense?  It never felt like home.  So, I had to do something that I never imagined ever doing, I did the breaking up.  And I took the coward’s road out of it too.  I am quite ashamed to say it, but I left when he was at work last Sunday.   I wrote a letter and left it there with my keys, packed my belongings and road off into the sunrise.   Later in the day when I knew he was off of work and headed home, I did text him so he wouldn’t walk in and be completely blind sided.  But there was simply no way to look him in the eyes and hurt him like I knew it would.  Yes I am weak in that regard, I do NOT like to hurt anyone.  And he did nothing wrong at all, so having to break his heart was too much.  I never imagined I could love someone and yet know with every fiber of my being that it wasn’t where I belong.

I’m back at the Diva Den, where it feels likes home.  It is where the world feels right again.  And yet, though I feel I deserve to be happy, I still feel like some kind of ugly monster because I not only hurt him, I know it hurt his kids.  The two youngest kept talking about me and the Knight getting married.  Yes there was possibility, but honestly if he had asked I’d have said no.  We are both good people, we both love each other.  But we are in very different places.   He is in parent mode, I am in grandparent mode.  I broke my own guidelines in my dating profile, no one younger (wanted them in grandparent mode too or at that age), and no one with young children because I am past the parent role.  I thought I could do it.  I was so wrong.  I did not mean to hurt the kids or the Knight, but I have to be true to me.  Instead of being the super cool step-mom that they saw me as, I am now the monster that broke their hearts from their daddy on down the line, by vanishing one Sunday morning.

I need to put my heart back inside the protective shell it was in after it was released from ICU 4 years ago.  Make no mistake, I hurt too.  I will miss them, but the palace is not the home of this princess, and deep down I know that the only true Prince Charming in my life ditched this princess 4 years ago and I will never love like that again.

And I am really okay with that.

heart in dome

We’d All Still Be Married If…

I love this ‘kid’.  I have seen a number of his videos and he is spot on most of the time.  In this one he is talking marriage.  If this were the way Christians looked at marriage, both spouses, well all of us that landed at the gates of divorce court would still be married.  It’s worth more than one watch through.

Random Things I Learned In 2013

Courtesy of Keattikorn/freedigitalphotos.net

Courtesy of Keattikorn/freedigitalphotos.net

While I believe we learn something new every day, sometimes very trivial and seemingly without meaning or substance in our life, there are things we learn that we take with us as we move on down the road.  This is a list of random things I learned in 2013 in no particular order.

  • Heavy traffic is much more tolerable when you turn on uplifting music (KLOVE) and seat dance while commuting.  If you cannot seat dance because the car is moving, bobbing your head and singing along at the top of your lungs into your go-cup of coffee like it were a microphone works too.  It will improve your mood immensely and help you start the day off on a positive note.
  • No matter how nice someone is, or claims to be, actions will speak louder than words.  Unless of course those words are written. Pay attention to what they say, do or write about others and you.  It will show their true character.
  • Contrary to what folks say about a tiger cannot change his stripes, people CAN and DO change.  We aren’t tigers and if someone does take time to stop and really evaluate who they are, they can change negative characteristics about themselves, their direction in life, dreams, desires etc.
  • The name, Zelda, means “blessed” in Yiddish.  And The Kabalarian Society research results of the in depth meaning of the name is pretty spot on when it comes to me.  What someone meant for meanness, I have embraced and have learned is really a beautiful, special name. (I still want an autographed copy of the book) Yes, I am, indeed, very blessed.
  • My parents are not going to live forever.  Yes, I realized that long ago, but this year I was really faced with their mortality and it’s caused me to count my blessings.  Life dealt me some painful cards that resulted in my living with my mom again for 3 years, and I’ve been given a wealth of memories thanks to what I thought was a bad thing that turned into a great one.
  • Just when I was ready to give up, literally that very night, and embrace being single for the rest of my life, someone read and responded to my dating profile on a singles site and changed my life forever.  I discovered my heart could safely emerge from the self imposed shell and trust again, love again, and be filled with joy in a relationship one more time.  I’m not his first, but I intend to be his last, and him mine.
  • Essential oils, in 100% pure form, have some serious medicinal qualities that are just amazing.  I have cured my insomnia with Lavender oil, and a sinus infection with Tea Tree oil.
  • Some people are just born to be douche canoes and that cannot be changed unless they want too, and most of them don’t.  Move on and leave them there in their sorry state, they are not worth it.
  • There are times, regardless of how inappropriate it indeed may be, sometimes “really? well _____ (fill in appropriate name) can hug deeze nuts!” IS the correct response.
  • Forgiveness and praying for those who have hurt you, isn’t about them, it’s about you.  And you will be a better person for it as each day progresses.   No, praying, “Lord I forgive them, and ask that You bless them with all that is good right after they are hit by a subway train” is not the idea, but certainly understandable that you might feel that way.  After consistently doing so for 30 days you suddenly find that the root of bitterness has moved on and you actually do feel some care for them.
  • When you sleep with a dog in your room, you soon discover that they too will snore.  And they will sync up their breathing with the humans in the room so that the 2-legged soul rumbles, then the pup answers with kind of a whistle, rumble…whistle…rumble…whistle.  And if you take the perspective that the sounds are those of beings you dearly love, it becomes a comforting sound you can sleep too.
  • A kitten who is hungry at 3 am will not sing the song of her people outside the bedroom door.  Instead she will run up and launch all 3 or 4 pounds of herself against the door, repeatedly, again and again and again until you either fall back asleep or give in and go fill the bowls.  You won’t soon forget to fill them before retiring for the night.
  • Developing an attitude of gratitude about EVERYTHING will help grow happiness in your heart.

Certainly that is not all, but it is a portion of the important things I will take with me as lessons learned, into the new year.

1549471_10151816728701980_1336105051_n

Farting In The Shower

farting-kittenBefore anyone panics, this is NOT a post about flatulence, at least not the bodily function.  It is more just an out pouring of what is rolling around in my brain of late.  Which, by the way, can be every bit as frightening to open up for a peek inside as what one will encounter after someone has farted in the shower.  Some days, equally offensive, no doubt about it.

And heck, we all know with a title like “Farting In The Shower”, more than a few of you high tailed it on over here to read this post because you simply couldn’t resist….sickos!

Did you have one of those weekends that just took it’s time going by?  I love those!  Time did NOT fly when I was having a great time and I’m so thankful for that.  I spent all day Saturday (close to 13 hours) with my friend who shall be known as the Teddy Bear.  Make no mistake, within that adorable, teddy bear exterior there is a grizzly bear.  But unless absolutely necessary, he is a gentle giant.  We met some years ago on a dating site and a friendship began.  We’ve been trying to get together but schedules were being most uncooperative until this past weekend.  But that is another post, it was too nice a time to fall in under a blog post title containing the word “Fart”.

Could someone please tell me what the fascination is with the show, “Duck Dynasty”???  I admit that I only watched about 10 minutes of one episode before scrambling for the remote.  I would have rather watched grass grow than another minute of that insanity.  Maybe I should have stayed with it?  I cannot imagine what draws anyone to it, so please, enlighten me.

*SIGH* It is only 7:13pm, too early to be sipping wine so I’ll have to stick to a cup of coffee for now.

Honey-Boo-Boos-Mother-has-a-BoyfriendSometime in the past year or so, I saw this lovely photo moving around Facebook.  At first I found it rather amusing, especially coming out of a divorce and several heart breaks since the end of the 22 year marriage to Lord Voldemort.  I had slammed on the breaks in dating and relationship land, vowing to remain single for a full year to rediscover me.  I am growing used to the idea that no one keeps me and that would tend to lead any normal person to believe that perhaps they are somehow flawed or unlovable.  Or both.  Though really, Honey Boo Boo’s mama has a boyfriend…someone is keeping her!  Granted, she is likely quite well off with all this reality show life they live so the man would be a fool to toss her aside.  Then again, he has to look at her, and be with that woman as she belches and farts on a regular basis and does disgusting things like chews food and then hangs her mouth open to give a view of it all.  I may have my flaws, but holy mother of all things real, I’m not that bad!

As if that isn’t enough, today on the commute home, I’m listening to the radio and it is the entertainment news update.  The headlines: Honey Boo Boo’s mama and her boyfriend, Sugar Bear, who also happens to be Boo Boo’s baby daddy, GOT MARRIED!   In a wedding complete with a camo wedding gown.  Someone please tell me that he married her for the money, that she is his sugar mama.

923163_10200263105398770_1205204837_nI’m seriously a bit concerned here.  Just this weekend I was told I am: sexy, cute as a button, fun, intelligent.  And yet I remain single while Honey Boo Boo’s mother is M-A-R-R-I-E-D.  Has the world gone off it’s rails entirely????

I can deal with the whole turning 50 in less than 2 weeks, even embracing it to be honest.

I am comfy with the fact that I now view life through bifocal glasses, and that if I get contacts again, for distance, I will need to purchase readers or wear bifocal contacts.

I was even able to find the humor in receiving a temporary AARP card and application in the mail.

What I am struggling with is the idea that me, the woman who loved her husband with every cell of my being, with every part of my heart, that adored the man, still got excited at his touch and butterflies in my stomach when he came home, who is certainly far from ugly or disgusting, yet is adored by men then tossed aside once they have my heart (which by the way is never easily given),  is single and seemingly destined to be a crazy cat lady!  I did not sign up for this, could someone kindly show me where the customer service desk is, I’d like a refund!

935647_512630128785121_734655800_nOR maybe, just maybe, the problem is not me?

Maybe I am really the amazing woman I was told that I am by all those men who have since walked away, and it is simply that they cannot handle (read: control) me because I am anything but easy?  And therefore, in reality, they were not at all worth it?

Hmmm….I think NOW it is time for that glass of wine.

A Soothing Balm For My Soul

I was laying in bed this morning checking my phone and pondering life with a pre-coffee brain.  Yes, this can be very dangerous, but today it went well.

I don’t recall the dream I was having in any detail just before my cat landed on the bed, scaring the snot out of me and waking me up, but the song that was playing in the dream was still in my head.  Helen Reddy’s, You And Me Against The World.  While it was released 10 years before he was born, for some reason when my son was little it was pretty popular on one of the radio stations I was frequently tuned too.  The song immediately takes me back to my apartment, sitting in my “Morticia” chair (those wicker ones like Morticia sits in at the beginning of “The Adams Family” tv show) with my son curled up in my lap.  He was all of 18 months old, with big blue eyes and shaggy blond hair that needed a trim, but I didn’t have the heart to clip off his baby curls just yet.  The song was on and I was singing it to him, and if I close my eyes I can still feel him snuggled up to me, completely unaware of the troubles that surrounded us at the time.

Music fascinates me with its power to transport us to another time and place, pulling memories of events long ago recorded in the brain and forgotten.  Different smells and tastes will pull open various file drawers in our mind too, and with those recollections the full emotion that was felt at the time is easily recalled as well.

Roast beef and chunks of potato – I’m at Grandma B’s with aunts, uncles and cousins…everywhere!  Smarties candy and mint iced tea in a colored, aluminum cup will take me there too.

Supertramp’s song, Take The Long Way Home comes on and I am 16yo, in the maternity home, out to there pregnant.  My black and white radio sitting on my desk, which faces out of the window of my room, and I’m working on my algebra home work totally NOT understanding it.

And Can It Be is a great hymn, and every time I hear it or sing it in church I’m back on the second pew at Bible Chapel, my ex is standing by the piano, singing it solo for the special music portion of the service, and his voice is cracking as he fights tears, the words impacting him.

The smell of cinnamon brings thoughts of Christmas that are just too numerous to list.

Orange slice gum drops and I’m back on Annie Erdman’s back steps getting our daily candy treat from her, “quota” as she called it, along with my siblings and some of the neighbor kids.  Those orange, candy peanuts land me there too on the gray painted surface of her back porch.

Dustin Lynch comes on the radio, singing Cowboys and Angels and I’m at Sunset Grill, under the stars, sipping a beer and enjoying a burger with Ralph.  Suddenly he is on his feet and pulls me to mine, and we make our own dance floor right there by our table, dancing to ‘our song’.

Today music is a soothing balm for my troubled soul.  I have a wonderful CD from my friend, Jane, that she gave me when I first came back to church a few years ago, The Shadow Of Your Wings by Fernando Ortega.  Her son sang one of the songs on a Sunday morning to open the worship service. This collection of music is a lot of Hymns in arrangements that are very different than the originals, as well as many scripture passages put to song.  I can meditate on God’s Word through most of these songs, very powerful the impact on my heart right now.

One song in particular stands out as I’m writing, the words are from Psalm 19:14 and Philippians 4:8

Psalm 19:14

New King James Version (NKJV)

14 Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
Be acceptable in Your sight,
O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer.

Philippians 4:8

New King James Version (NKJV)

14 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things arepure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.