Why I Am Still Single

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*Looks up at the mast of my ship*

::Thinking:: I don’t SEE a freak flag or weirdo magnet up there.

Seriously the freak parade of late has me wondering what I am doing to attract so much attention from so many bizarre and unwelcome sources. As in guys. Like males. And, um…no, thanks.

Why do people find it weird and want to ‘fix’ or rescue you if you are single and 54?

“you are so attractive, why aren’t you married?”

“baby you are sexy and need sex, why you so frigid?”

20914351_1178048255664405_8447931029261688239_nFor the record, I’m not frigid. I have desires and longings, I’m a normal, healthy woman who enjoys intimacy. I choose to ignore those, replacing those thoughts with other things to ponder. Like, why is the coffee pot empty? What day is this anyway? Now where did I leave my phone this time?

Actually truth is I re-grounded in my faith some years back, after being totally crazy stupid and I’ve no desire to go back to a life of sin. I won’t be shared, won’t share what is mine (as in my other half), and as a Christian I feel intimacy outside of marriage is a sin and I’m not going down that road. Ever. Again.

I’ve had more than one guy tell me I’m going to be alone, forever, if I’m not willing to have sex outside of marriage. Let me say that I don’t believe that for a minute, but if that is in fact true, so be it. I’m not a toy, I’m a child of God, daughter of the Most High, a royal princess in the Kingdom of Heaven and not willing to just give away the gift of me that belongs to a spouse should God’s plan for my life include one again some day.

No doubt the fact that I’m not dating, looking to date, seeking a male companion, is impacting the lack of a significant other in my life. I don’t have time for a relationship right now. My life is full, and busy, and relationships take time and need to be nurtured. Between my job, health coaching, mom, kids, grandkids, church, and miscellaneous lists of things I do when not doing those things, I simply do not have the time or energy to put into another person.

like my freedom. Want to sleep in? No one complains. Feel like a day of bed head, jammies, morning breath topped with coffee so that it smells like ass and can singe hair? No one cares. Being the introvert that I am, at the end of the busy day I need alone time to recharge, so not really into going out dancing or partying and I’m delighted for my time by myself.

List of “you don’t need it” I’ve spent/about to spend money on:

New personalized plates, jigsaw puzzle, puzzle storage box/mat to use while working said puzzle, yarn, yarn, more yarn, toys for Nana’s toy box, sun shield for my windshield to keep car cool, new Skechers for work….and NO ONE tells me I don’t need it! MY money, my decisions, and I’m pretty pleased with all of it thankyouverymuch.

Long Beach has resurface again…told him politely NO WAY, no thanks, not going to happen, not your girl. No doubt he will resurface yet again in about 3 or 4 months.

19894760_1149967351805829_7339269333859343132_nThen there is NYC. SIGH. I’m growing weary hearing about how much he wants to ______ me. When I explain about my faith and not interested in a relationship, his latest come back was:

Good luck finding your bible carrying man with his home made blueberry pie. I think your going to be lonely. You’ll never get laid again. You have narrowed your selection of men down to a microscope level. There won’t be any left who want to f*ck you.”  

*head to desk*

First off what in the name of duck tails does blueberry pie have to do with this? Food, for the record, is not my love language. He keeps telling me how he’ll cook for me, is trained by a master chef and doesn’t seem to grasp that I don’t care about food. I don’t really care for blueberry pie at all!

Second, if getting laid were the goal, trust me I have a lengthy list of men tripping over themselves to be my booty call.

Third, I’M NOT LOOKING FOR A MAN IN MY LIFE! I do not want a relationship, marriage, to get laid, etc etc. And there are plenty of single, Christian men my age that if I were interested have made it clear they’d gladly wait for marriage for intimacy with me because they too are followers of Christ and waiting.

BUT I’M NOT INTERESTED!

So then he tells me I am one f*cked up piece. Um, NO I am a woman.

Not a piece of anything.

F*cked up is relative. To him, perhaps, because I’m not matching the mold he wants to squeeze me into. Sorry this bird is not caged, she is a free spirit. Cage her and she stops singing. And he wonders why at 57 he is still single….

I’ve blocked him on phone and email, Facebook, LinkedIn etc etc.

Y’all, if you can see the freak flag up there, waving in the breeze from the mast of this vessel known as Marti, would you be so kind as to shoot a flaming arrow through it for me?

 

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First Flush Parties?

I am really thankful that I am going to be 50 years old, and not a toddler learning to go on the potty.  I just saw a commercial, that sparked my interest so I went looking for more information and OMG HOLY COW REALLY?????

The commercial is for Huggies Pull-Ups, the diaper/under pants combo that is disposable and used by many parents who are potty training their kids.  In this commercial, Eli was featured, a kid who looks about 2.5 to 3 years old.  Upon his very first flush, for going on the potty, a party breaks out on his street complete with marching band and a large “potty” cake!  Confetti and all kinds of hoopla, oh and even a big Eli parade balloon that looks like the little guy who just had his first flush.

I figure poor Eli will grow up not only scarred for life as he is forever known as the first flush kid (talk about serious bully material), but I’m really afraid for his parents.  How DO you follow that up when he learns to tie his shoes, or spell his name, or write in cursive?  I mean really, a parade and party on the lawn that rivals most Sweet Sixteen celebrations all because he went on the potty?  My poor kids, they got a chocolate kiss or a few M&M’s, no doubt they are going to really be feeling under-appreciated for that first poo-poo on the old commode.  Thanks Eli….thanks SO much.  Once again my failure as a parent is evident in that I never hosted a party for the first toilet deposits made by my offspring. *hanging head in shame*

But wait…there is more!

ID-10066381House parties are being encouraged to celebrate your little tyke’s first flush too!  Yes really!  On the Huggie’s First Flush site you can download a festive frame for the first flush photo, Potty Party Hats and First Flush Confetti!!!  Really want to go all out?  Enter on Facebook to be one of the official First Flush House Party hosts and get a full blown party pack!  WOW, you can line up all the kids who have not had their first flush and toss a Pull-Up like you would a garter or bouquet at a wedding! FABULOUS!

If selected and confirmed as a host, your exclusive Party Pack will contain:

28 Pull-Ups® samples (sizes 2T-3T) – 1 boy and 1 girl sample for everyone at the party!
14 Pull-Ups® coupon books
14 Party hats
14 Blow-out noise makers
1 Exclusive Pull-Ups® Potty Training Fun Celebration App sticker and download info
14 Reward progress chart activity
Pull-Ups® “First Flush” Celebration coloring sheets

Can’t you just see it now?  A group of dad’s high-fiving it and fist bumping over juniors first duce?  Cigars passed around that instead of saying “it’s a boy/girl” they say “It’s A Zeppelin!” WOOHOOO!

*shaking my head*

I sincerely hope my son and daughter-in-law have started saving for my grandson’s First Flush Party because it looks to me like it should be comparative in cost to their wedding.  Those marching bands and custom-made potty cakes aren’t cheap.  And we cannot have the little man left out or he’ll need years of therapy to recover from being the only kid in kindergarten that didn’t get a big First Flush Celebration!  Hope they got a photo of the first poopy diaper so they can use it on the invitations with a caption like, “You’ve come a long way baby!”  OH and we can all do the potty dance at the party too! This is just going to be so much fun!  Better book a professional photographer too, like they do for proms at weddings, this is a milestone event and all.

*image obtained from http://www.freedigitalphotos.net