Dear Father In Heaven,
I’m a tad raw right now so please, Lord, forgive my frankness. Though You know my heart and thoughts so any attempt to flower this up with special language won’t hide what You see inside. At this moment You know that I’m a few shades off of Marvelous.
You made me, fearfully and wonderfully as Psalm 139 says. Within that weaving of fibers to create this woman You gave exceeding strength in many areas. Strong willed like the sign of the Bull under which I was born. Stubborn as the year is long, that is me. On a negative path that bull headedness can make me very inflexible and difficult to deal with, but when directed down a positive road it gives me the determination and drive to get things done. To stand and face adversity when it comes my way and fight my way back out of it. Sometimes things that are difficult and painful, and sometimes that gold ring up ahead that will get me through to the reward. It keeps me from curling up in a ball and just giving up, I simply do not know how to quit.
You also gave to me a positive spirit that can quickly find the silver lining in those storm clouds, the sunshine and rainbows when the skies unleash a downpour.
You saw to it to provide an inner strength that enables me to keep treading, keeping my head just far enough above the surface to breathe and keep fighting when the flood waters wash over me.
And you gave me compassion and a spirit of forgiveness that often goes far beyond that of my enemies, 70×7 and then some, even though I get stabbed by them over and over again. I can feel others pain, and have a special place in my heart just for the underdogs of the world.
This past week I feel as if I’m sinking in the high water and I’m confused, exhausted and growing numb. The strength? Well it is reaching maximum elasticity.
First dad fell, breaking his hip in the wee hours of the morning. He spent close to 90 minutes dragging himself to a phone in between tears from the physical pain, to call for help. While we knew it was not a matter of “if” but one of “when”, this really is bad timing. Following that, within 48 hours he had hip replacement surgery. He already walked with a walker because of Neuropothy in his legs he cannot feel them. It’s almost cruel that the hip replacement had to be done considering he will never walk again, as he cannot feel his legs to do what needs to be done for physical therapy! Now, he is in a nursing home, and me and my siblings are left to do our best to get his things to him, sell the rest, and sell his home. The memories in that house are vast, complex, and not all that welcome at the moment. As if this were not bad enough, the leg is now infected.
In the midst of dad’s crisis, my oldest ends up at the hospital with a very high blood pressure, heart palpitations and very high resting heart beat. Healthy as a horse and in excellent physical shape, this really yanked the rug out from under me. We’re awaiting test results.
My baby girl is carrying the weight of the world as she watches her man suffer through the loss of a very good friend who suddenly passed away at 36 years old, no immediate explanation, just called from this world. It is hard to watch her learn that sometimes there are simply no words, no magic wands. You love them, hold them, pray for them and hope that is the balm their heart and soul needs to start healing. All the while knowing it will fall short of enough.
And then we learn my mom’s appendix cancer is back. Again. For the fourth time. Really? At a time when my world tips on end, it is my mom who tends to be the one that helps hold things together. She totally understands that a cup of coffee is often the first step to figuring it all out. I look to her, admire her, and find my inspiration in HER strength. This will be her 5th time battling cancer (breast cancer was round 1). We need her, You need to fix this so she isn’t slowed down while we fix the dad situation. Coffee on it’s own won’t help with this!!!
I do thank You, for the wonderful man you brought into my life. He doesn’t know what to say, and that is okay because words really aren’t adequate, from anyone. Instead I feel his love, see it in his eyes, and his hugs and just being snuggled with him at night give me peace and strength. And he makes me laugh, and that is healing. He is my bright spot in all of this, I love him so much!
We’re always taught that You won’t give us more than we can handle. That is just not true. You DO give us far more than we can handle sometimes, so that we will learn to lean on You. Well Lord, I’m here to tell Ya, I’m about at that end of the rope and hanging on here to a small thread. I could use some Divine assistance down here!
Sure, I can be a real bad-ass, but even I have my limitations.
Your marvelously imperfect daughter