When It Isn’t What You Want


No matter how good something is, if it isn’t what you want, it won’t make you happy.

The bathroom for example.  When I was married, I wanted it rag-rolled with a mauve color.  I went away for the weekend, came home, and the ex-hubs had painted the bathroom to surprise me.  Well him and my VERY pregnant BFF.  He expected I would be tickled to death.  I was less than thrilled.  He painted it, rag-rolled it  even….GREEN!  Then was upset that I wasn’t dancing a happy jig over it.  Sorry.  Yes it was splendid of him to paint the bathroom.  It was institutional WHITE.  Now, the green was better but it was not at all what I wanted so I was not happy.  I often wanted to paint the longest wall in the house that ran between our living room and dinning room red.  He  poo-poo’d that over and over.  My daughter, since our divorce, asked to paint the living room.  It’s ALL red now. Go figure.   His memory fails him, he seems to think I wanted it white.  I wanted COLOR.  I was so envious of my BFF’s house cause she had color everywhere.  But  we never agreed on color so it stayed creamy white like a damn mental hospital.  Oh well water under the bridge.  Our His home looks amazing.  His girlfriend and our daughter have awesome taste.

Relationships are complicated things.  They take work.  Even the very best of them take effort.  Great, life long unions don’t just happen.  Sometimes one or both parties have to roll up their sleeves, or ignore things, or just accept things, and sometimes work hard to keep the flames burning.  But in the end they are  worth it! Except.  Except when it isn’t what you want.

What happens when you stumble along in life and trip over someone who cherishes you, adores everything about you, loves you beyond words, can love you right down off that cliff of anger and temper you are famous for at times (though far less volatile than before thanks to better living through modern medicine), and wants to spend the rest of their life making your life amazing….and you just aren’t ready for it?  Someone who takes every imperfection you have along with all of your good stuff, and wants it ALL.  BUT you simply are  not ready to go there?

This isn’t the first  time I’ve walked away from my biker.  We gave it another go after  the split up a few weeks back.  He  is all of those  things, his heart is huge  and he is a very very good man and adores everything about me.  But I am not ready.  While it seems like we’ve been a couple forever, it has only been just about  3.5 months.  Had we gone down the road we were planning, we’d have been married last weekend.   And I would be far less than happy.  It is just not  what I want.  And I don’t know if  I ever want  that again.  I do love the man, but  I am not at all ready to be married, let alone in a committed relationship.  I thought I was and ditched my plans of 2012 being MY year.  But despite the warnings, “keep your arms and legs inside the  ride”,  this morning I unhooked the safety belt and bailed from  the ride.  And it was just that, a safety belt.

There is something ‘safe’ and secure  in a relationship.  Even one where you spend most of it being fired upon by life.  Hell I’m used to that, for 22 years every time Pete and I turned around it was  something else coming at us like a freight train hauling disaster.  So this time around it wasn’t new, I knew  how  to cope.  But that is just it, I don’t want to cope.  Because I don’t want a relationship.  I don’t want the safety and security of being loved right now.  It doesn’t matter that someone worships the ground I walk on, and that I love him, if I’m not happy.  It all was moving just entirely too damn fast and deep, and the timing is all wrong.

Maybe  I am selfish.  I’ve written about it,  my world  revolves  around ME.  My life and my world is all about ME.   For 2012 especially.  In my world things  I bring in, people I let in, bottom line are for ME.  Selfish perhaps but that is just how I am right now.   22 years of someone being center of my world, and just over 2 years out from that, and I am just not ready to go back to making someone else the center.  It’s all about Marti right now.   I tried like hell but then I wasn’t happy.  I just cannot face not being happy with ME because I decided to go forward with something when I am clearly not ready. My kids are grown, my  marriage ended…a few try-and-failed loves since….but not yet have I taken the time to just enjoy life for ME.  I cannot make anyone else a priority when I have yet to make myself the priority.  So, I got off the ride.  I am sorry he is hurting, but I cannot be what he needs right now.  I cannot make him a priority, and that simply isn’t fair to him.  It doesn’t matter how much  he loves me, what he is willing to give me, do for me  etc., when that isn’t what I want.  Friends, I am all over being friends.  But not  lovers, not  a team.  Not husband and wife and not committed.

Am I wrong? Or did I do the right thing?

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12 thoughts on “When It Isn’t What You Want

  1. Reading this I (1) feel for you both. And (2), had the following run through my head “Building a relationship takes time. 3.5 months isn’t time.”. Meaning that aside from chemistry – all that’s REALLY REALLY GOOOOOD in a relationship takes time to build. You need to not only hear someone’s history, but you need to KNOW it, feel it in them, and build your own history of fun, laughter, arguments, missteps, meeting exes, oversteps, ticklefits, vacation sex, vacation arguments, burnt dinners and romantic gestures. From having had such a relationship – you know that difference. That depth you get with a long, slow history built over years. In 3.5 months you get the hearing part, but part of trust and understanding is that other history – the one that you build. Over time. Over a long, slow time. You had a whirlwind – and that is amazing and addictive, but not a history. I’m glad you hit the breaks – whether it’s a final goodbye or just to slow things down until that history is there at the right speed at the right time for you. And I’m glad you stepped away from the whirlwind before you lost who you are in it.

  2. You did the right thing. Though I am viewing this from only one side, having walked such a similar path I’m telling you…you did the right thing. Unlike the fairy tale world we like to believe in, love is sometimes not enough to make a life and a relationship work. Your still finding yourself and still learning how to care for you, love you, heal you, soothe you, on your own…not relying on someone else to do it for you…or distract you from it. Right now, I dont believe you do need some one to come and love you and give you everything! Your still rebuilding you and figuring it out for yourself. In the end, no matter what professions are made, relationships do not work one-sided. It would not last unless you were ready to freely give everything you have to him and the relationship. Your not there yet….maybe someday, but obviously not yet. As painful as it may be…..its the right thing.

  3. You made the right choice, Marti. For all the right reasons. Grow on, gal”) Grow on! If he’s the right one for you, he’ll understand and wait despite his obvious pain. Hugs to you both:)

  4. Oh my Marti… I really do have an opinion on this. Please don’t be angry with me about it. I am only answering because you asked 🙂 I still think you are FANTASTIC but… (clears throat) lol…
    I believe that you gave yourself so much to Pete, body and soul, and that you were shocked (as we all were) when he wanted a divorce. I think when you let someone so far in, the odds of you ever loving to that depth again are slim. Only because you never want that kind of hurt again. No matter how great you say your biker is, I believe in your subconcious you have a trust issue with any relationship… as would any of us after such a blow to the heart. He may be just what you need but you need to walk away first this time just in case he changes his mind later on. Not that your not great and he may never do that but you believed with all your heart in that same notion with Pete and you got knocked into next week. I understand, as you well know, how life can change and because of that shape you into someone new. You may never trust anyone again and that is understandable but if you don’t give someone ( not necessarily mr. biker) a chance, I believe it may harden your heart long term. I would hate to see that for you. You deserve happiness with a man that loves you and I want that for you… Hell, I want that for me :)…. I believe this is really about not being the one who gets hurt first. You made it through Pete and if it would happen again (God forbid) I know you would rebound again. Maybe mr. biker isn’t the one but don’t cut yourself off from him. You never know who God has in store for you and I believe everything happens for a reason. There is a reason you met him. Maybe just to be friends but you will never know until you just put it all on the table. Not marriage necessarily but don’t give up yet. It is so hard to find someone to put up with “us”, that when we do we must appreciate it because “we” can be hard to handle sometimes,lol…. I hope you take this response with the pure heart it was intended with … Luv ya girl

    • Thanks Kallieco, and I always take what you say to heart, you know that. I know you well enough to know you care very much.

      Maybe in time, but he wants it all, and I’m not ready to have it be all. I love him, but I cannot make him a priority at this point.

      • Well, I can certainly understand that lol… My priorities certainly have changed over time. I love me more than I ever did before and that feels liberating 🙂 so I get… Hopefully he will stop pushing and give you time. If not then you made a good friend 🙂

  5. Only you will know if you did the right thing. If this is what feels right to you right now than you have to go with it. Like you said, it’s YOUR life and you need to do what you feel is good for you.

  6. You’ll know when you’re ready. The trick (at least in my case) is learning the difference between being lonely and not wanting to be alone. Relationships don’t have to be ALL or NOTHING. But if someone in the relationship wants more than the other is willing/able to give, then it’s just a stressful situation that will breed resentment. And nothing hurts more than the guilt that we feel for being hard on someone that loves us. We put the guilt on ourselves and then take it out on the other person. Take your time, and EEEEEAAAAAASSSSEEEE into it.. You know what happens when you dive head first into love….instead of a broken neck, sometimes you get a broken heart.

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