When It Isn’t What You Want
No matter how good something is, if it isn’t what you want, it won’t make you happy.
The bathroom for example. When I was married, I wanted it rag-rolled with a mauve color. I went away for the weekend, came home, and the ex-hubs had painted the bathroom to surprise me. Well him and my VERY pregnant BFF. He expected I would be tickled to death. I was less than thrilled. He painted it, rag-rolled it even….GREEN! Then was upset that I wasn’t dancing a happy jig over it. Sorry. Yes it was splendid of him to paint the bathroom. It was institutional WHITE. Now, the green was better but it was not at all what I wanted so I was not happy. I often wanted to paint the longest wall in the house that ran between our living room and dinning room red. He poo-poo’d that over and over. My daughter, since our divorce, asked to paint the living room. It’s ALL red now. Go figure. His memory fails him, he seems to think I wanted it white. I wanted COLOR. I was so envious of my BFF’s house cause she had color everywhere. But we never agreed on color so it stayed creamy white like a damn mental hospital. Oh well water under the bridge.
Our His home looks amazing. His girlfriend and our daughter have awesome taste.
Relationships are complicated things. They take work. Even the very best of them take effort. Great, life long unions don’t just happen. Sometimes one or both parties have to roll up their sleeves, or ignore things, or just accept things, and sometimes work hard to keep the flames burning. But in the end they are worth it! Except. Except when it isn’t what you want.
What happens when you stumble along in life and trip over someone who cherishes you, adores everything about you, loves you beyond words, can love you right down off that cliff of anger and temper you are famous for at times (though far less volatile than before thanks to better living through modern medicine), and wants to spend the rest of their life making your life amazing….and you just aren’t ready for it? Someone who takes every imperfection you have along with all of your good stuff, and wants it ALL. BUT you simply are not ready to go there?
This isn’t the first time I’ve walked away from my biker. We gave it another go after the split up a few weeks back. He is all of those things, his heart is huge and he is a very very good man and adores everything about me. But I am not ready. While it seems like we’ve been a couple forever, it has only been just about 3.5 months. Had we gone down the road we were planning, we’d have been married last weekend. And I would be far less than happy. It is just not what I want. And I don’t know if I ever want that again. I do love the man, but I am not at all ready to be married, let alone in a committed relationship. I thought I was and ditched my plans of 2012 being MY year. But despite the warnings, “keep your arms and legs inside the ride”, this morning I unhooked the safety belt and bailed from the ride. And it was just that, a safety belt.
There is something ‘safe’ and secure in a relationship. Even one where you spend most of it being fired upon by life. Hell I’m used to that, for 22 years every time Pete and I turned around it was something else coming at us like a freight train hauling disaster. So this time around it wasn’t new, I knew how to cope. But that is just it, I don’t want to cope. Because I don’t want a relationship. I don’t want the safety and security of being loved right now. It doesn’t matter that someone worships the ground I walk on, and that I love him, if I’m not happy. It all was moving just entirely too damn fast and deep, and the timing is all wrong.
Maybe I am selfish. I’ve written about it, my world revolves around ME. My life and my world is all about ME. For 2012 especially. In my world things I bring in, people I let in, bottom line are for ME. Selfish perhaps but that is just how I am right now. 22 years of someone being center of my world, and just over 2 years out from that, and I am just not ready to go back to making someone else the center. It’s all about Marti right now. I tried like hell but then I wasn’t happy. I just cannot face not being happy with ME because I decided to go forward with something when I am clearly not ready. My kids are grown, my marriage ended…a few try-and-failed loves since….but not yet have I taken the time to just enjoy life for ME. I cannot make anyone else a priority when I have yet to make myself the priority. So, I got off the ride. I am sorry he is hurting, but I cannot be what he needs right now. I cannot make him a priority, and that simply isn’t fair to him. It doesn’t matter how much he loves me, what he is willing to give me, do for me etc., when that isn’t what I want. Friends, I am all over being friends. But not lovers, not a team. Not husband and wife and not committed.
Am I wrong? Or did I do the right thing?