I’ve noticed something on the dating sites that I’ve also seen in society in general: We all tend to hang our self esteem on other people’s hangers. This is obvious by the reactions to being rejected. I wrote a blog about this last year, when I decided to remove MY self esteem from the hangers of others opinions of me.
I know that I am a good hearted woman, I am attractive, and I’m a great catch for the right man. Key word being RIGHT. Not every man is right for me, in fact most will not be, and that is okay. I will find the one that I don’t want to live without and make him the happiest guy around. He will be blessed and thank God every day that my ex divorced me so that I could be found by him, the one that will treasure me. Goodness knows plenty of men I have dated have told me to thank him for setting me free just so they had a chance at knowing me even though it ended up just a friendship. Yes, I AM that special! Guess what? SO ARE YOU! To many someones in this world you are that precious too, you just have to find the one that wants to keep you and you want to keep them. It took me a while to accept that single best thing my ex did for me, since he didn’t cherish and treasure me, was to let me go so someone else COULD. And then I removed my self esteem from his hanger, put it on MINE and learned what a great person this marvelous woman really is!
We all tend to let it bother us when someone finds fault in us, be it that we don’t clean correctly, dress the way they think we should, talk too loud, talk too much, aren’t as pretty or fit or whatever someone else has in their mind for what we should be. Or, what they think their ideal match is, as is the case on dating sites.
On a dating site, we fill out our dating profiles and then hope to catch the attention of someone that meets our criteria. Some people, like myself, put serious time and effort into the written portions of their profiles. We take the quizzes, psychology tests of some kind, that determine things about our personalities and preferences to assist in finding the perfect match. We chose photos of ourselves in various situations to help portray who we are to potential mates and then hope for the best. There are those that for whatever reason think putting down one word or one line answers is going to just impress the snot out of others, oh and 1 fuzzy photo of themselves from 50 feet away, astride their Harley (at least it LOOKS like it might be one from that blurred image) and then 5 photos of their dogs or sunsets, which don’t happen to be blurry, go figure.
The sites have standard questions about smoking and your preference, drinking of alcohol, height, marital/relationship status for you and your preferred match. It is amazing, I swear some of the sites asked me for what brand of toilet paper I purchase, or it seemed that way. So, anyway, if I am looking over profiles of potentials, I can see right away if they are someone I want to meet. Their photos, what they write, what their physical characteristics are etc, all give me clues to them.
As I stated the other day, I can and DO glean a lot from a person’s profile. It is the ‘first impression’ and believe me it DOES make a difference. A haphazard profile is a good indication that someone is careless and doesn’t take care of themselves, so I know they aren’t going to make me a priority. Or it may be a very well written profile, but just not be someone of interest to me because we don’t share common interests. It is always perplexing when someone writes and says “I see we have a lot in common…” and I go look and find they are into sky diving, hang gliding, NASCAR…nothing at ALL in common. My guess then is they saw my pics and thought I was attractive so they’d give it a shot. I know what it is I’m looking for, and when I find it, I will know. I knew immediately when I met the ex Prince, before he opened his mouth or I even knew his name, I said to my mom “I am going to marry that one”. Sure enough I did. Trust me, I can tell enough from what I read and see on a profile, if there is any interest. A few emails between us and my first impression is confirmed if there were any doubts.
So where am I headed with this? I am growing tired of men contacting me, and when I tell them “I’m sorry but I am just not interested, but good luck in your search” I am called names and they begin personal attacks. Mr. Confident isn’t the first or last (he just stood out). Last night a guy from Louisville, Kentucky contacted me. He is like 2 hours away. When I said “I’m sorry, but as I state in my profile, I am not interested in a long distance relationship, I cannot relocate and unless you are able too, should we hit it off, it just won’t work out” he in turn wrote back and called me an asshole! Wow, really? I didn’t bother to go into the fact that nothing about his profile or photos was even remotely appealing to me, I was kind and polite. Another potential that contacted me said “I knew I wasn’t in your league and you’d think you were too good for me” (I get that ‘outta my league’ stuff entirely too much). I don’t think I am too good for you, YOU JUST DO NOT INTEREST ME!!!!
What I see here is a bunch of men that get their hopes up that some attractive female might want to date them, and then their ego gets bruised if she says no. No one is out of anyone’s league. Period. But no one wants to go out with someone they are not interested in. Just because you have an interest in me doesn’t mean I share that interest. If it isn’t mutual, why waste our time? Sure, I realize that by some slim, snowball’s chance in hell we might hit it off, but I might get struck by lightening or win the lottery too…twice. The man I seek is hot and handsome on the INSIDE and it shows through his profile in not only his photos, but in his smile, what he writes about himself, his attitude that comes through in those writings. None of us are going to be knock outs when we are old and wrinkled up like a fuzzy, mold covered prune, but our inner self will still be beautiful, and that is what I am looking for most, that inner man that will rock my world.
Stop hanging your self esteem on my hanger. If going out with me is what you need to feel good about you, buddy you are in a world of hurt!