Recently when I mentioned that I was joining the online dating community, the president of the Marvi Marti fan club, Joe, commented that he for one was looking forward to the posts about this adventure. I hadn’t really thought about blogging it until then, but decided that what the heck, why not. I have no intention of being mean, just going to write about my journey in searching for, not the guy I can live with, as that is settling, but rather the guy I cannot imagine life without. It is a tough standard of achievement, but the bar has been set.
Dating not only allows us to learn about others, but we learn a lot about ourselves in the process. Some things that are new, or that we really weren’t aware of about ourselves, other things we learn just confirm what we knew and sometimes forget.
There is a lot I share about myself within my writings, I am a pretty open book for the most part. My inner child, that soft and vulnerable side of me, remains a secret to nearly everyone. One person I dated got a very good look inside my heart and soul, meeting the real Marti, no masks and completely bare. He didn’t criticize or judge, he approached her slowly and carefully, studying and learning who I really am. He and I would have been the perfect couple, as he allowed me to see the bare and broken, outstanding and wonderful soul inside him, the real him. It is a pretty awesome thing when two souls and hearts can be wide open to each other. But it is not to be, Fate is just cruel. We instead are the very best of friends, talking through our trials and triumphs and helping each other stay balanced. Exactly how a couple should function! Grrrrr…..
One other person began to see ever so slightly through cracks I had foolishly allowed to form in my shell. See, when I fall in love I get careless and the armor cracks some, exposing partial views of that vulnerable part of me. I don’t love easily, and I really regret now how fast I came to trust him and allowed my heart to get involved. He is only the 3rd man I truly felt I have ever really loved. Funny to me is how surprised he seemed by what he saw, guess I do keep myself very well guarded. That person was the man I refer to as Superhero.
I am a very strong woman, in personality, will, determination and focus. I come from a long line of such women. As I wrote once about myself, the women in my family are not survivors, that is passive. We are fighters. My brother referred to me as the family Pit Bull in the past, with good reason. You might knock me down, even knock me out, but I will pull myself back up, brush off, and come out fighting. Push me and I will push back. Hit me and I hit back harder. Push my buttons, go ahead, I will go off on you. I am very passionate as a person, the waters run deep and the current is strong, do not be deceived by the calm appearance of the surface or the tsunami that I am will wash you away. This isn’t just in negative ways, it is all areas of my life and who I am. When I am happy I am really happy. Same can be said for excited, loving, affectionate, etc. I’ve learned to temper the exterior but the undertow can catch folks by surprise. This is why any man in my life has to be made of steel. He has to be a very strong personality himself or I will roll right over the top of him.
The ideal man can reign me in with a few GENTLY spoken words or a glance. Poor Lord Voldemort (the ex hubby), never did have the knack for that. He was a bit of a hurricane himself and while every bit my equal in strength of personality, he tended to lack flexibility with the power.
See, I am every bit the submissive as I am strong. My nature is to yield to my man’s authority. Easy now, my dear feminist sisters, sit back down, deep breath in, exhale slowly and allow me to continue. I am no doormat, not by a long shot. But I personally believe the man is the head of the household by natural order of things. In a relationship that goes serious, I will lean that way, he will have the control. *DISCLAIMER: Until he abuses said position* It takes a lot of courage and inner strength to give up the controls, and let someone else steer the ship. Submission is not for the faint of heart or the weak, or they quickly become victims. And authority to lead a relationship and household should never be given to a man that is weak either, it goes to their heads. It takes a real man to handle the position, one that clearly understands that his position is about doing what is in the best interest of the couple (or family) before himself. He must be very other oriented and not selfish. That is precisely why I keep finding myself with fire fighters or cops, I think. Those jobs are, as a rule, done by men that are strong in will and very other oriented, which is what it takes to put your life on the line for strangers. The trouble with a lot of men that are natural leaders, or dominant types, is they never learn how to balance the position of power against their own desires. And as stated, if I give up that control, and the position is abused, I will come out fighting like a wild animal uncaged. I will protect myself, more so now than ever…push and I push back. Good leaders are followed because of they are indeed good, not because they lord their position over others.
I believe that because I found Mr. Wonderful, there ARE other men of his caliber out there. Few and far between but they exist, he restored my faith. I will find the man I am looking for, and along the way I will share my experiences.
So…that is a bit of a prelude to the dating diaries. Stage set, let the journey begin.