Once upon a time, I looked ahead in my life and saw myself married, a stay at home mommy, taking care of 3 or 4 little ones and happily married to Prince Charming. He would go to work and I’d work at home, keeping a neat and tidy house, with all of our children well behaved and absolute little darlings under my guidance. We’d go to church on Sunday mornings and visit the grandparents on alternating Sunday afternoons. And of course we’d grow old together, watch our children get married and then we’d be the grandparents, living happily every after.
Fast forward: I never was a stay at home mother, in fact outside of being unemployed for 18 months recently, I’ve worked since I was 16 years old. I married shortly after high school and then found myself divorced and raising a child, before finally meeting Prince Charming and marrying “til death do us part”. HA! or til someone decided to toss in the towel and go his own way. Nursery Rhyme over, the prince was a fraud and happily ever after isn’t happening. At least not for the moment.
When I was married it was about US, a team, me, him and the kiddos. Decisions were made based on what we, or I should say HE (the control freak that he was) felt was in the best interest of our family team as a whole. It worked for us and I can honestly say he played the best hand he could with the cards life dealt us. During that time I had to consider more than myself when I did things, because my actions could, and often did, impact the whole family. Even back when I first started blogging on Myspace, I had to consider how my writings would impact my husband and kids. Hubby would scrutinize anything and everything I had written (when he was aware) down to what I posted on other people’s Facebook walls (see he WAS a control freak). I was allowed to be a free thinker just not have freedom of expression if he thought what I had to say was wrong or out of line. He liked having control over the flow of information when it came to anything we did, so he would put his foot down frequently and I either deleted or edited based on his wishes. And yeah, I went along with the program, it worked for us. The kids grew up to be responsible adults (so far) at 20 and 26 years old, working and pretty much beginning to live their own lives independent of us.
Then came the D-I-V-O-R-C-E and with it a whole lot of rewrites of the future script and scene changes.
I recently had a conversation with the ex-hubster and it was not pretty. Actually it wasn’t much of a conversation, he called me (he has me blocked so I cannot call his phone), I listened while he cussed a blue streak and yelled at me. See, my blogs no longer need his stamp of approval, I no longer get his official okee dokee when I post on someone’s Facebook walls or comment on their status. He doesn’t read what I write about, but ‘hears’ about it from others. He cannot see what I post in the land of walls and status updates because on Facebook he has me blocked so nothing I do is even visible to him. So he gets his information 2nd or 3rd hand. He claims he doesn’t care and tells folks that but they still keep informing him. Either he is putting on one hell of a show and really is interested, or he needs to remove some well meaning friends from his life because they don’t seem to be getting the message. He really IS a lousy communicator, not always very clear so maybe he needs to be more blunt and tell them to shut the hell up?
Anyway our most recent conversation was about my blog content, and how he felt I had no right to share some of the information about our personal life that I have chosen to write about. In between the considerable use of the words “fuck”, “shit”, and “bullshit” I was able to determine that I had shared things he felt MIGHT impact his job (references to our extra curricular activities, all of which were legal and fun) and might impact our children’s lives. I’m not entirely sure what all of those things are specifically other than he was fuming pissed off because he didn’t see the humor others did not find the humor in a recent post in which I claimed I “wanted to fuck one of his coworkers”. I explained the post, related to the Plastic Joy Award I had been given, was a joke, it was all in fun. He said no one else found the humor in it and that everyone took it seriously. Since the ‘co-worker’ didn’t seem to be upset over it (yeah I checked) and took the teasing from others quite well, I’m not really at all certain what has Lord Voldemort‘s briefs in knot. Maybe he is jealous he didn’t make my top 5? He did mention that I need to think about someone other than myself and watch what I write about blah blah blah.
So, I thought on that since this past Thursday’s rude, obnoxious scolding I received (I know, I should simply have hung up, but him going off like a 5 year old throwing a temper tantrum was just too entertaining), and I arrive at the following conclusion:
YES I AM VERY SELFISH, I THINK ONLY OF MYSELF AND YES THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND ME!
:: puts hand to ear and listens closely for the shocked ‘gasps’ from readers:: …..hmm….nothing! Maybe because no one else is shocked by this revelation that isn’t the least bit news?
See, what the ex doesn’t seem to grasp is that there is no team US any longer. He no longer has control, no longer gets to call the shots where I am concerned. I’m 47 years old, my kids are grown and no longer live with mommy, and I’m divorced. That leaves only ME to be concerned about. Well me and the recent addition to my life of one kitten but rest assured she is well fed and cared for and couldn’t care less what I write about regarding her antics. When divorce happens the team breaks up and each member goes their own way. My life now revolves completely around me, I am the center of my world, it is no longer him. I do everything I do based completely upon my wants, desires and motives and no longer need to consider how anything I do or say will affect anyone else in the long run. Life now really is all about ME!
Now that I am sitting in the director’s chair of life, one of the things I decided to do was write about my life experiences. Sometimes those blog posts will be about my life when married, the differences between those times and now, life as a single woman, things I’m learning about myself. They will cover past and present adventures, experiences, perspectives and even future hopes and dreams. But the key to all of it is I am in the center of that, it is about me now! When he was in a lead role in this production, he could call the shots and had input as to the content of my writings. But now, at best he makes a guest appearance, barely enough to be considered supporting actor in the show, and since he has no contract he doesn’t get to edit the script. If he wants to direct, he has his own reality show of life. All scenes I share are from my own perspective and I make all editing decisions. The key element is I present it honestly and in writing, he chooses to do it verbally so there is no ‘evidence’. Whatever!
Ah the ongoing saga of the divorce. Guess the dust just hasn’t settled completely.
CUT! That’s a wrap people, we’re done for today.
Regarding said co-worker of the ex – yes he IS hot, yes I certainly would do the sheet mambo with him IF I was younger blah blah blah, as what woman in her right mind would NOT want to have hot monkey sex with the young stud, but he isn’t into us older chicks. Besides it was a JOKE folks lighten the hell up!