I’m coming off of an interesting weekend, one that left me somewhat shocked but also confirmed my beliefs about a situation and the misery it would have actually brought to me.  I am a person that doesn’t handle it well when someone is upset with me.  If I have made someone angry or hurt them, I’m obsessed with trying to fix that and make it better.   And I am a person that needs closure on things to move past them, real closure.  I don’t give up easily without doing all I can to right a wrong.  Keep in mind I am very bull headed and stubborn, being born under the sign of Taurus and while this digging in my heals and refusing to budge can be good in achieving goals, on the negative side that trait can mean it takes me a while to go admit my wrong and try to mend a broken fence.  So if there is fencing down between me and you, give it time I’ll make an attempt to fix it and if we cannot work together to reconstruct that which has been broken, I will then seek to find closure.

If you have been following my Dating Diaries you know that The Count and I split in mid December.  It was the final heartbreak for me for a long time to come, I just cannot handle it anymore and need to focus on ME for a while.  Not to say that things won’t change but I learned never say never long ago!  I know I boxed him up and put him on the shelf.  But the damn packing tape wouldn’t stick.  That told me I still had some lose ends hanging  out that needed addressing.  Not the least of which is I hate when I don’t know why something failed, especially a relationship.  I wanted to talk to him to find out what went wrong so I could fix that if it was something with me that needs fixing.  So I sent a text asking if we could talk.  No answer, big surprise there (read with sarcastic tone).  So I followed that up with a text that I could stop by the store.  WHOA that was a mistake.  I received the following back in a text:

I am not dealing with you in any way, shape or form.  Do not show up at my store or a restraining order will be got by me on you.  I want to make it clear, there’s nothing to discuss, no reason to meet and anything further will be considered stalking and I will proceed to the restraining order!

I  have had one restraining order taken out against me, it was during my divorce from my first husband, the violent man that was an alcoholic.  I had threatened to break into the house and paint the living room ceiling black with orange polka dots.  It was an ugly time and I was out of line to make a threat like that, because frankly I don’t know what I was thinking, the polka dots would have been PINK not orange.  Anyway I don’t need or want another one issued for me.  I’ve not been stalking Steve, in fact I’ve not sent a single text in a month, I was hoping to give him some space to think things through then maybe we could sit down like adults and talk.  Silly me.

So, after receiving that text I went back to look over things thoroughly myself.  Remember the list of Pros and Cons I had written regarding our relationship? Well I went back and reviewed those with a now far less emotional mindset.  I could and should add a few things.  Frankly he is a complete asshole to his mother, I was gentle with that then but if that is how I’d be treated (and I  firmly believe the way a man treats his mother is a good indication of what is to come for you in a relationship), we’d have come to blows.  Oh that likely would happen too, seeings as in his past he has a little domestic violence charge because he found his first wife in bed with someone and tossed the guy through a window and punched her in the face causing some damage.

Add into that the fact that he didn’t want me to dye my hair a different color, no more tattoos because that was ‘littering your body with ink’, and a host of other little things that I would not do, he did not approve of etc etc etc and I see a short fused CONTROL FREAK that would keep my free spirited nature caged up again. Nope this would NOT work at all.

Back when things fell apart I was really confused.  I had assumed, since he deleted me from his Facebook and then wouldn’t respond to texts or phone calls (the day after telling me he loved me and thanking me for my patience because he was working so much), that we must be done, over, no more a couple.  This is the text I received finally  back then explaining things:

When u post things on facebook or ur friends do my grandson can see all of it.  And with that said I had some issues with the dear diary thing, then ur friends post of the topless woman protest on wall street the thecheerleader kicking with a stain in her white shorts.  I was mad and told jadon to defriend u and I did the same thinking he still might be able to see it.  he doesn’t need to see or read that kind of stuff, and he goes to his friends house and logs on too to which I don’t need someone else mad at me on posts I had nothing to do with.  So I did what I did and see that u assumed the worst so I need to step back and rethink the entire thing.

That was the last communication I had with him until the restraining order threat.  Now, the ‘dear diary’ thing is my blog.  And he knew all about the blog and told me he didn’t care what I posted on it, it was  mine and I could talk about me and him or whatever, it didn’t matter, that was my thing and he was supportive.  I guess he really did have issues with it?  Most likely because I am so honest about myself on it.  Like about my past life prior to him, being a swinger etc etc.  Guessing he didn’t want his family to know that he had a girlfriend with a colorful past.  Silly me, then open your mouth and say something.  It wouldn’t have changed a damn thing, my blog is MY outlet, my inner self and I write what I want and won’t be told not too.   Obviously he also doesn’t have a clue about blogging if he called it a ‘dear diary thing’.  Oh and the grandson, is 12 years old.  Gramps there better get a clue that kid has likely seen worse.  And it isn’t  my job to police others kids on Facebook.  My kids are adults and I wasn’t really thinking in the Disney mode of posting anymore.

My sister stopped in to purchase a ham during the holidays and they talked about me and him a bit.  When she asked him what he would assume if I had removed him from Facebook and then wouldn’t respond to texts of phone calls for a few days what he would have thought, he agreed, he would have assumed we were done, and that I hadn’t “assumed the worst” any more than he would have.  He seemed to see things very differently that day and said he was going to call me that night.  He then gave her one hell of a discount on the ham (guilt?).   I never heard from him.

After  retracing things, rethinking certain disapproving looks, remarks, out and out “no you won’t”, “If you are going to be a part of this family you better…”,  and in light of the above…closure I can now have.  I would have been miserable had that continued. I was in yet another relationship with a man that was mean spirited and controlling, and I was blind to it from the familiar dance steps for years and years past.

Yes, the box is now taped to stay with super glue just in case I have a weak moment.  And I’ve seen that my decision to spend this year relationship free is a very good thing.  I need to break the cycle of attraction to men that are controlling assholes.  I need a man with a strong personality, but that isn’t the same as a little mini-dictator that has to control others.