I’ve been super confused of late about relationships, dating, and what my heart can take/not take. Last Saturday I spent the entire day with Teddy Bear, talking very openly about our lives, our experiences, and taking turns asking probing questions that sparked all manner of great conversations and memories. Later, after a fun day of driving the countryside of Indiana, through an adorable small town, lunch and dinner at new places for me, and touring an art museum (where I discovered I’ve really grown up as I LOVED it), I was laying in bed contemplating some of the conversations.
All day long my inner child and my heart took turns peeking around the barriers while trying to stay hidden. But maybe not all that hidden? I was told that despite thinking I have my heart locked up tight where it cannot be broken, that it shines through in my eyes and smile. I began wondering if maybe I am just over thinking things and need to just let it out to wander again. After all, with love comes heart ache, they seem to go hand in hand. I see it as a mom when I dearly love my kids but my heart suffers with theirs when they are hurting. You cannot love without pain being involved at times.
So I started to think just maybe it is time to remove the barriers and let my heart out completely. Stop hiding behind the heartaches that have healed long ago and explore the possibility of finding potential forever love again. It means I have to take chances, risk getting hurt in order to find love.
I’ve reached the conclusion that one day, my heart can and will find someone that I can love completely, like I did the ex. But I have to be open to exploring those potential loves.
It is with baby steps that I’m shedding the walls and unlocking the gate to my heart’s garden. Time to see where my heart takes me.
Confession, it is said, is good for the soul, so let’s get started!
I confess…
I am just about dancing on the ceiling! Okay so I know it is likely water weight but when the numbers on the scale begin to DECREASE I get happy and very very motivated. 3 pounds down this morning and that is making all this water (I could seriously row to work) worth it. And giving up my wine for flavored water, and measuring everything that is going into my mouth. Next step is to add in walking. I WILL beat my mom, sister, and sis-in-law in Biggest Loser score.
I confess…
Tonight it will be hard to be good. Train ride, dinner, all with a dear friend and my kids and their SO’s. But I WILL make an effort. It is the start of ‘pre-partying’ or ‘tailgating’ for my 50th next Friday. By good I do mean watching what I eat and drink. I mean it, I have every intention of being very careful. And grandma used to say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I’m screwed.
I confess…
That wine glass from yesterday’s post? I should have stayed off of that website. SO many amazing ones to chose from.
I confess…
When I was out with my friend last Saturday, the topic of Internet dating came up as that is how we originally met. I got to strolling down memory lane, wondering what fodder was there for my novels in the making. I have to say that it was fun, meeting so many men and enjoying conversation. But there were a few horror stories in there as well. It could make for a great book in and of itself if not a few chapters. So, for shits and giggles, I checked to see if my profiles were still there, and they were inactive but accessible, so I activated them. Holy Mother Of Freak Parades, into my mailbox came the full blown marching band. Thankfully I’m able, due to past experiences, to weed through the clowns and ring masters to find the truly REAL and nice guys on these sites. They are few and far between. NO I am not looking to date, was just curious, and yes I know all about the cat and curiosity.
I confess…
I am about to go devour a wonderful salad with tuna and fresh avocado on it. Avocado is a new thing for me, and while I’m still acquiring a taste for it, I’ll admit it ain’t bad!
This wish is for my ex, Pete. We were married just under 22 years before the divorce was final.
My wish is 2 fold really.
The first part is that the day will come when he can forgive whatever perceived wrongs he feels I’ve done, and that for the sake of our children we could be around each other in some form of harmony. I’ve long ago forgiven him for those things I felt he did to me and pray the same may come my way from him.
He is a good man, was a good husband and a fantastic dad. We were pretty much as close to oil and water as it can get as far as personalities. I have a multitude of very happy memories from our marriage, and while losing him was incredibly painful, as the song says, “I could have missed the pain, but I’d have to miss the dance” and for all the good memories I have in my heart to treasure, that pain was worth it.
The second part is for his new marriage. He is getting married next week to a very wonderful woman who is beautiful inside and out. I really do in all sincerity wish them a very happy, joy filled marriage that lasts the rest of their lives. I hope and pray (yes really do pray for them) to be showered with many blessings and good things in the years to come.
What’s the most important lesson you have learned thus far in life? Did you “get it” straight away, or did it take a few tries? Share your wisdom.
Happiness.
We all want it, we do everything we can think of to have it.
And yet for many, even once they get what they want, they aren’t happy.
Why??
Because it isn’t, as the sign says, a destination, it is very much a way of life.
It is not a lesson I picked up over night. I have gradually figured it all out as I have matured and grown older.
No person is going to make me happy. I’ve been married twice now, the first time just a few years, the second 22 years. In that second marriage, despite my husband’s faults (believe me there were many and some glaring!), I made the choice to love him when he was not a lovable guy, and to stick it out. I chose to be happy. Funny thing, when I made a decision to love him and be happy, I was! In my mind he was the end all of men because that was for me what I believed my spouse should be. And I was blindly and blissfully happy because I decided to be. Sadly it did not go both ways.
When I ended up getting divorced because he wanted out, it about destroyed me emotionally and mentally. I have struggled to come to grips with how anyone can boot someone out of their life that stood by them when they were one ugly, mean S.O.B. and carried the weight of the world on her shoulders when he could not. How when it came time to roll up the sleeves and dig his heels in for me, he bailed. But in all that mental and emotional train wreckage I made the decision to be HAPPY! Every morning I crawled out of bed and put a smile on my face and told myself it was the best day EVER and that I was HAPPY! And you know what? I WAS! It didn’t mean that being tossed aside didn’t hurt, and it didn’t mean that there weren’t days I behaved like a horse’s ass through the divorce and immediately afterward. But I still kept telling myself that I was happy and went about life doing things that I enjoyed and made me happy.
It is why I know that I don’t need another person in my life or lots of things to make me happy. I’m flying this life plane solo and I don’t really have much in the way of possessions. My happiness comes from inside. Some days it is a bit more effort that must be put forth to put on my happy face, and there are days when I slip into a funk and might even hop on my blog and lash out irrationally. But whatever splinter made its way in to cause that, I work quickly to dig it out and be happy again. That decision is the seed that takes root that morning and before long I’m singing (not too loudly so as not to scare anyone) and dancing (like no one is watching) and I am HAPPY!
My happiness is my responsibility, and it is all part of the journey, not the end destination.
*To link up and join the chat and share your lessons learned, click the coffee cup icon above*
My relationship with attendance is rocky but improving slowly, and not by my doing but by the small voice that can seem like thunder when it pushes hard from inside to pull myself together and go.
My sisters and brothers reach out and make sure I’m okay, let me know that I’m missed when I’m not there, and it is a constant reminder to me that outside of my actual family, there are people that love me and care about me. Many know the darkness I walked in between the time I left as half of a married couple, and returned divorced and shattered, and they don’t judge, they just love me, support me, encourage me and pray for me.
In light of Day 8′s post, this one is a good follow-up.
I am thankful for my ex-husband. He was and is a very good dad to both of our kids.
While I still have some serious hurt where he is concerned, as I’ve let things go and actively forgiven and prayed for him, it is subsiding and the good memories of those 22 years are surfacing. And I am very thankful for those good times we had. In addition I am very thankful for the woman he has found in his life, Judy, as she is wonderful friend to both of my children and they love her very much. She is one of those people that has such a beautiful spirit that seems to touch everyone she meets. I am thankful for Pete’s happiness and the joy it brings to the lives of those around him.
Time to hit the confessional, currently being hosted over at High-Heeled Love while Mamarazzi takes a break. SO the icon above will take you to Mamarazzi’s place, you need to click on High-Heeled Love to get to the link-up if you decided to participate or want to read other blogger confessions. Face it, you KNOW you want too, because we all like juicy stuff on others.
My ex-husband used to say we didn’t have skeletons in our closet, our’s sat out on the couch where you could see them all, as we had nothing to hide. I try hard to carry that on, as I see no point in hiding things.
I confess….I have a slight competitive streak in me. Okay more than slight. A little competition for the sake of fun can get me up off my tush and onto the playing field rather quickly. Like yesterday there was a recruit-a-thon in our Avon district, so I was more driven to go find new leads and ended up with 6! Or when it comes to truly important things, like my farm in FarmVille2. Staying ahead of my baby sister will drive me to pull out of bed early to harvest my wheat. Provided it is an even playing field, with NO real money being spent on the virtual farms. Not that I haven’t been tempted!
I confess….I have been enjoying the attention coming my way from out west via Long Beach, my nickname for some guy that lives there that has been off and on trying to get my attention for a few years now. Claims he loves me (I confess I’m not that dumb as to believe in love at first sight, especially through photos) and wants to marry me. Daddy didn’t raise me to be an episode of Criminal Minds so my being skeptical is understated. But I will admit the texts are kind of fun. But no wedding bells or relationships in my future, as he has never actually come here to meet me despite the 2 year attraction now. And nothing sexual, the texts are pretty vanilla, just amusing.
I confess….Sometimes I like the idea of a Zombie Apocalypse. I love the show, The Walking Dead, and we even have a ‘Zombie Attack Survival Guide’ poster hanging in the upstairs hallway. Why you ask? Okay it is all fantasy dialog, but there are more than a few folks I’d love to have a valid, lawful reason to stab in the head with a screwdriver. Don’t freak out, I’m not a nut case, like I said, fantasy dialog. Admit it, you know of at least one person that in your mind’s eye you’ve splattered their gray matter on the walls via a crossbow! Huh? You haven’t? hmm….don’t tell my therapist.
I confess….I do my best work in the 11.5th hour. Hence I will be crocheting my sweet little fingers off today to finish up blankets for the baby shower for my grandson tomorrow. Don’t judge! One is actually for my granddaugther, as she became my son’s the day he married her mother. We adore this little red head and I promised myself once that all of my grandchildren would have a blanket from their grandma. So I am making one for her just not a baby one, this is a beautiful big-girl blanket. I will post a photo later this weekend, as my daughter-in-law reads my blogs sometimes and she doesn’t get a sneak peak!
I confess….I am not going to make it to ladies bible study this morning because of that blanket. But it has to be ready. It is hard being the big sister with a new baby getting the attention, especially when you blend families, so I want her to feel extra special in her new role. So I need to get back to my hooking here in a brief few minutes!
I confess….I am NOT going to have an iPhone. Just not caught up in the hoopla or sold on it. After a side-by-side comparison online of iPhone 5, Droid Razr Maxx and the new Samsung Galaxy SIII….I am probably going with the Galaxy. I am very familiar with Droid software, and in comparing them, I actually see little difference that matters except the price! And I’m seeing more and more apps that were iPhone now coming out in Droid as it is being realized that not everyone thinks the iPhone is the end all. It helped that my daughter, an iPhone owner, opted to go with the Galaxy SIII when her upgrade time came this past week. And she loved her iPhone, but says she feels the Galaxy wins hands down. And this phone talks to you in that creepy lady voice too, and does face talk, and the battery life is nearly twice that of the iPhone 5. Right there is enough for me.
Okay, that is all I have for now. Off to find my hook and yarn and finish these blankets!
Having been on the receiving end of bullying growing up, I have a soft spot for those who must endure other’s senseless ridicule. What is very sad is when a poor choice in life by someone, not thinking in the long term, becomes fodder for the bullies who just cannot let it go, and that person becomes so upset that they take their own life. This was the case with atruly beautiful young lady from our area. She made a poor choice to send a naked photo of herself to a boyfriend. Before long that photo was everywhere. I’m not certain of the details as to how the photo(s) made their way around, but if I had to guess I’d say a jealous girlfriend of the boy? Who knows, the point is that to take those photos and circulate them like that, in my opinion, makes the one circulating them partially guilty in her life ending.
My beautiful daughter
It is particularly sad to me because when the story broke, I noticed that the young lady looked a lot like my baby girl. I’ll let you decide that for yourself. Similar hair style, color and beautiful smile, just an all around pretty young lady. Such a tragic loss of a young life because of the black hearted, evil spirited individuals I can only imagine were jealous of her.
My daughter is beautiful, both outside and inside. She is one of the most giving, kind hearted people I have ever known. She has such a gentle spirit and would do anything for anyone in need. My baby girl has had her share of bullying over the years, it happens to pretty people. Especially those with soft hearts. Jealousy is one wicked, ugly disease.
What strikes me as even sadder about this situation is that my daughter has been bullied and stalked by a girl who became enraged when my daughter began seeing a guy who told her he was single. It depends if you listen to him or the girl stalking my daughter, the boy’s ex-girlfriend, as to his attachment status at the time. The attacks came hard and heavy after it was found out my daughter was seeing him. And yes sleeping with him. She is an adult, he is an adult, it was a mutual choice. The ex even went so far as to make slanderous statements that my daughter was a whore and contracted HPV from the young man, supposedly that he received as a lovely gift from the former girlfriend. After extensive testing, my daughter’s doctor informed her that no, she herself does not have HPV, nor has she ever had it. Seems you have antibodies in your system if you did. For the past year she has endured tests periodically to confirm this.
At first I felt bad for the young woman (this is not one I can call a lady by any stretch of the word and you’ll understand why here shortly), to not only have this disease but to have had this young man cheat on her, if that is in fact what he did. He says no, she says yes. He claimed she was a psycho, and based on her behavior I’d have to say that is the case. She was supposedly disowned by her own father for a while, because being the victim of bullying herself, she went off the deep end and landed in a pysch ward somewhere. But I have stopped feeling bad for her because it has been a year since my daughter was with this young man, and this girl just cannot leave her be. Constant veiled and not so veiled references on twitter, following her and I on Pinterest, and making continued unkind remarks whenever it seems she gets bored.
Recently a nude photo of my daughter, taken in a moment where she herself lacked clear judgement, has made its way around. We now know how, as not everyone this young ex-girlfriend turned stalker thinks is her friend is really such. In fact they were so appalled that after losing someone to suicide for such an act, that my daughter’s bullying stalker herself would go and do such a thing. We’ve learned that texts and images in texts are like anything on the Internet and in cyberspace, they carry digital fingerprints that make them easily traced back to their origins. We’ve given very serious thought to legal action, as it seems to be the only way to get this person to stop. Ignoring her only fuels her fire, as does taking return shots at her. For a while my daughter even removed herself from Facebook and Twitter, only to have this girl’s friends begin texting and calling her. My guess is she is still in serious need of psychiatric assistance.
Yes, in case you haven’t figure it out, this girl, the bully, seems she was friends with the young lady from the article. She lost a friend because bullies couldn’t leave her alone and then circulated nude photos. And yet, there she is doing exactly the same thing! What a horrible way to honor a friend’s memory when their life ended in such tragic means. I am betting the deceased girl’s parents would be so proud of their daughter’s friend. Frankly it makes me sick to think she could suffer the loss of someone and have such an evil, black heart as to repeat what took her friend, on someone else. Oh yes, jealousy IS indeed a disease, it eats the heart and soul.
My daughter will be the first to admit, she is a Christian, but a work in progress. She has made mistakes, but then haven’t we all? But she continues to follow the Lord and try hard to be the person she knows she should be. When we talked tonight while she visited, we talked about how sad it is that this girl could lose a friend that way, then turn around and do the same thing. That anyone’s soul could be so empty and evil, so full of bitterness and unkindness. And then my baby girl reminded me that we need to just pray for this young woman, as God has said:
Matthew 5:43-48 [ LoveYourEnemies ] “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall loveyour neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, loveyourenemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.
So, I have agreed with her, that while we are still uncertain about moving forward on pressing charges, we will indeed pray for this girl. And certainly I would ask my readers that are believers to also keep her in your prayers. And from this point forward we won’t mention her again, here or on twitter, no tweets or posts even remotely aimed her way, and we will hope that in time she will move on with her life to better pursuits than attacking others, and that God will change her bitterness to happiness and joy in her life.
Gosh I love that…Mr. Marvi Marti. You see, it is likely that is what you will be known by, as I am just that much of an over powering presence. I tend to out shine, out last, out speak, out love, out argue etc, any man in my life. I am quite a force to be reckoned with, no doubt.
Speaking of “out love any man”, however, yes we DO need to talk about that part at some point and now is as good a time as any, as to date the position is still open for the future Mister. This is because as of now, if someone likes it, they haven’t put a ring on it. You know the song.
Monday marked what would have been my 24th wedding anniversary to Lord Voldemort. Yes, by the way, it is said in fun so just get the hell over it, oh readers who love to run tell him what I write about him. He doesn’t give a rats ass and I say it in complete fun. Sorry, dear ex-hubster, if your “friends” feel the need to report what I write, perhaps it is time to trade them in for ones who respect your ‘claimed’ wishes to not tell you. And SO sorry, future one of mine, I hijack my own posts once in a while, get used to it. I’m told it is A.D.D.
My dear, future spouse, you must accept something very important. I was married for 2 weeks shy of 22 years. In that time I went from loving my spouse, being in love with him, to loving him with every fiber of my being, every cell in me. It didn’t come about over night though. That kind of love grows through many trials and difficulties, and many more happy good times. Nearly losing him 3 times to death grew that love which is why I stayed through the shit storm life seemed to always throw our way. Watching him be a daddy, comforting our children, those sights burned that love into my heart. Supporting him and watching him achieve dreams, it carved him deeper into my heart. Yes, to this day I love that man very much, that will simply not change. True, real love doesn’t die. And that is why the divorce was so painful and still is for me, knowing that the love that I had for him was one sided. He loved me, but not like I loved him. Not with the kind of love that comes from every part of someone, that keeps promises made, the love that never gives up and stays when someone is most unlovable (rest assured he was very unlovable at times and is not the saintly husband some think – and you can bet I can play a tie ball game in that regard). To know that you gave someone your best years, love from the core of your being, only to have them toss it aside like a waded up receipt, that kind of pain you just don’t bounce back from in 2 years time. When I looked up and saw the date, 8/13, I cried all over again. I miss the man that held me when I cried over losses, who snored softly beside me when he slept, who made me laugh at stupid, silly things, was the object of my fantasies, and made me excited just by the sound of him pulling in the driveway. The man who could raise my desire simply by touching me.
That part of my heart is now very much closed. I don’t know that I can ever love on that level again. No, it is not impossible, but it is highly unlikely. Because when you lose the person you loved that much….it is a pain beyond words. It hurt to even breathe. No, it doesn’t hurt quite that badly now, but I’m still pretty raw and vulnerable on those depths. I’m not sure we can love like that more than once in a lifetime. Because self preservation closes those depths in the heart and seals them over. To hurt the deeply more than once…well frankly the thought is unbearable to me.
I can love you, be your best friend, companion, cheer leader. I can and will be faithful, there will be only you if we make a commitment. But the deepest part of my heart is not within anyone’s reach. Even the one I loved that much could never hope to pry that place open again. That is why, should hell freeze over and he ever wanted to patch things up, the answer would be a concrete NO WAY IN HELL. For one, I could never trust him again. And of course, that love I had is locked up so tightly away now, my heart could never freely give it again to someone who threw it away.
I will use everything left in me to love, cherish and adore the man I marry, should I ever go that route again. If that is not enough, then my dear man, I am not the one for you. Keep looking for what you seek and I hope you are able to find it. If you want someone who keeps those promises made in the wedding vows, “through richer or poorer, good times and bad, sickness and in health….” yada yada yada, then please, pursue that road with me. I honor my vows and take them very seriously.
It’s MY heart, and even if I thought I could love on the level again, I don’t know that I would, and that is my right.
I love that song, “I Can See Clearly Now”. Great, upbeat song and the words are only TOO true to me. In fact as I’m writing this post that song is playing in the background.
I CAN see clearly now. It has been a long time coming to this point in my life. The past nearly 3 years were difficult to say the least. Healing from the marriage to a man I truly believed would never leave me, the one I placed center in my world and forgave no matter what he did that hurt me sometimes to the center of my soul. The breakup nearly destroyed me and left me empty as my kids were still there with him, though adults, and I was forced to leave it all behind. My home that I loved, my children, even the goofy little Yorkie that had been my shadow for 2 years of unemployment (my daughter’s dog but I adore her). I hit a pit of depression like nothing I had ever experienced. But I refused to let it claim me, I kept my head out of the dark, focused everything in me on the positives in my life and found happiness in small triumphs.
My heart, still with unhealed wounds, was broken 3 more times after the marriage. In each man that I let my guard down and placed my trust, I knew incredible pain as the tender scars were torn open again. I also found myself unemployed 2 more times, one due to seasonal layoffs and one the company went belly up.
It was during that time of heart break and job struggles that I started to form a plan for my life.
I opted to do in home childcare to make money. I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and never was given that opportunity so this was close enough that it gave me some joy and income.
I began working as an independent Avon representative, with a dream of really being successful. It was not the best time in my life to be doing this as I really was not ready so while I made President’s Recognition Club, I didn’t achieve what I had ‘hoped’. That is the key word and I’ll come back to that.
I started to inventory my life, looking at what kept me awake staring at the ceiling at night, what ate at my heart and soul, what brought pain and sorrow to my life rather than positive things. The things that needed to go, I began a virtual process of boxing up and shelving to leave behind in the previous year, 2011.
I started to figure out just what it was I wanted in life, really think through where I want to be in a year, 5 years, 10 years. Before I could start the plan to get there, I needed to determine where “there” actually was, decide what I wanted.
It wasn’t an easy process to work through. Much of the time I couldn’t get a real direction, and my self confidence being at an all time low was not doing much to fuel process. 2.5 years of rejection in both employment and relationships, inability to get bills paid and dodging creditors, well it wears a person down to where they start to feel pretty damn worthless.
The final straws that broke this camel’s back revolved around 1/2 of my pride and joy, by baby boy (my daughter is the other half). My son had been through his own trauma in life with a brief marriage that destroyed his heart, soul and finances. But now he was in love with a beautiful woman, one he had known since he was 8 years old, grew up with in church and youth group. He wanted to marry her and become dad to her little girl. It was one of those rays of hope in the dark clouds that helped me believe there IS happiness out there.
Straw number one came when my son was struggling financially to get the funds together to buy his bride-to-be her engagement ring. He was designing it and money was an object. I had 2 rings, a 1 carat ruby with diamonds surrounding it, and a 1 carat emerald also with diamonds surrounding it, that the ex-husband had given me on 2 wedding anniversaries. I also still had my wedding and engagement rings. I had saved them so that I could sell them if I really got desperate for money (and I was on the verge of selling), but this seemed so much more precious to me. To be able to help my son do this for his fiance meant everything to me. He had a good chunk of the money he needed but was still pretty short. So I gave him the rings to trade in toward the engagement ring. Keep in mind he lived with the ex-husband at the time. My son had a beautiful heart shaped silver ornament made and engraved with “will you marry me”, and attached the engagement ring to the ribbon that would be used to hang it on a Christmas tree. With the ex, and the ex’s girlfriend, and my daughter present while opening gifts, he decided to give it to his bride and officially ask her to marry him. Happiness and joy all around….but mom was not included in this. It never so much as crossed his mind to have the person that helped him when I really could have used the money myself, be there to share in the joy. To say it felt like my heart was cut from my chest and stomped in dirt would be a gross understatement. I was crushed.
Straw number two came a bit later. When my son told me they were planning the wedding for St. Patrick’s day, I told him I would financially assist with the rehearsal dinner. Despite the pain over the ring, I adore my son and wanted to be able to help make it special. I got left out of so much of his life and his sister’s because they were living with the ex and his girlfriend, and it was such a lonely, isolating feeling, that I at least hoped to be a part of the wedding festivities. There was a time after my first divorce when it was me and my little boy against the world. I was a single mom struggling to get by and I had often went without things I needed to see to it his needs were met. This in my mind would be no different. I let some bills go unpaid and found ways to get the money together to put toward the dinner. The ex called to let me know what I needed to put toward it, and told me the bride had picked a location etc. Okay, no problem, she was the bride and it was her right to decide on these things. I kept waiting to hear more information, be consulted, something at least, but when I never heard anything more I assumed it was being handled by my son and his fiance. I received an invitation in the mail to the event with the details. Once at the dinner, as I was near a table, one of the staff at the location came looking for….the mom of the groom? No, the ex-husband’s girlfriend. Seems she was the one who had coordinated the whole event with my ex. Beyond my financial donation my services were apparently not needed. Hey, I’m only the mother of the groom, and the ex isn’t even his biological father, but why should that be an issue. I only let things in my own finances fall apart to see to it I put up money toward this event. I spent the rest of the evening emotionally shattered yet again. This time the knife was so deep in my heart that when I pulled the handle to remove it, the blade broke off and it’s still buried in there. The rest of that weekend I plastered a beautiful smile on my face to hide the pain and went to have myself a good time.
After the past 3 years and now those two straws, I realized that I was done. I sat down after the wedding and made some decisions. My kids are both adults, 22 and soon to be 28 years old. They have the ex-husband and now his girlfriend, who they spend a good deal of time with if the happy times and party photos on Facebook are any indications. They don’t seem to need mom anymore. I decided that this is now MY LIFE. I’m finished worrying about how what I do or say might impact my kids. I am done with giving a damn what ANYONE thinks of me. I am going to start building a life for myself that is all about me and only me. This being the year of no dating, I’d be free to do my thing, my way.
Step one was employment. I knew the only way I can build my Avon business to be like that of the top sellers and leadership representatives, my ‘hope’ I mentioned, is to do it full time and treat it like it’s my job. I am great at marketing and I love the product and business model. I decided as soon as school was out I’d roll this full time through the summer when my days were free. A year from now I WILL be completely, financially independent and have the money to do what I want, when I want to do it. Next week I bust out full time in this, and I will succeed, just watch me!
Step two…marrying the biker. I know I know, it was the year of no dating! Who knew that when I stopped looking, he’d find me. A man that adores me, doesn’t want to change me, encourages me to be myself, create my own flair, explore new hair colors if I want, get more ink, pursue my dream in Avon and not just cheer me on but find ways to help and support me in that pursuit. My Biker is dead honest, has a personal code of integrity he follows not matter the cost, and his heart is gold. Because he is a member of a 1%er motorcycle club, that law enforcement classifies as a gang (which by definition of a gang, every police, fire department and scout troop is also a gang), my son has severed all ties with me. I was shocked when I received a text letting me know his wife is pregnant. He didn’t want me to learn it on Facebook. Not a phone call, just a text. I could break this relationship with the biker off, repair my heart one more time and go forward, but I’m not doing that. I have a man that is my match, loves me and I love him, and come hell or high water, or whatever else life can throw at us, we’re going to be together. It’s my happiness I am pursuing, it’s really all about me now and me wants my Wolfman!
It is my life, I am choosing to live it to the fullest, on MY terms, MY way. I’ve cleared the clouds, I know the obstacles in the road to my success. I KNOW I can make it now, leaving the pain behind and pushing ahead. And from now on I take care of those that take care of me, have my back, support me even when they don’t agree with me, and love me.
Okay I haven’t done that…yet. But my Biker knows it is on my lengthy list of things I want to do. I hate to call it a bucket list, it’s more of a dream list of things to do with my best friend, my lover, my other half, the one that carries my heart in his hands.
I know for many it seems we are moving rather quickly toward marriage. Keep in mind, I’m no stranger to falling in love. I’ve been married twice and have a number of very serious relationships under my belt. I’ve been in love, and I’ve been head over heals in love, and I even know what it is like to love heart, soul, body and mind with every cell in me. That one divorced me. Go figure. But once again, I find myself with feelings like that. Feelings that put someone at the center of my world. I know, I said it would never happen again. Never say never. So what, so twice in my life I will experience a love that transcends all other loves I’ve known. Only this time it is with a man that doesn’t want to change a single thing about me.
I’m very socially connected. Wide open book, I check in everywhere on various social media outlets. I pour my heart and soul out on my blog at times. He knows this, has set no limits on my doing this.
I love to wear pink streaks in my hair. He loves it.
Sometimes I may decide to dye my hair a different color. He encourages it.
I want more tattoos. He is designing them.
I have a temper at times, though much less of one thanks to my meds. When I lose it, he gets affectionate and kisses, hugs and loves me off the edge of the cliff, all the while thinking I am an adorable little spit fire when I’m pissed off.
I’m loud and obnoxious, he doesn’t mind one bit.
If I flip him off with my middle finger, he doesn’t get pissed or take it as an insult, he grabs me up in a bear hug and says “okay baby, let’s go” and heads for the bedroom.
I’m kind of a freak, he is too and adores my freaky side and my very vanilla side.
He loves ME, wants me to be ME and be free from any cages or boxes.
He thinks I’m beautiful at my most unattractive moments.
On our recent trip to Alabama last weekend, two things DID get crossed off that list of dreams/fantasies. His Navy brother was getting married so we went down for the wedding. During the outdoor reception, once it was dark, a romantic tune was playing. He pulled me out of my chair and onto the front lawn, and we slow danced under the stars. SO much love in those eyes while we danced and he kept touching my face telling me I was beautiful, it was so sweet and wonderful. And without giving away details….we made love in the sunshine on the return trip, still thankful for those remote locations off the beaten paths that allow for spontaneous moments to become awesome memories.
Yes, it is life in the fast lane at the moment. I’m okay with that. And it has not come without a price. My son, my oldest child, has cut me from his life. He drew a line in the sand that he will have nothing to do with me if I’m with a 1%er. He feels I do not know what I’m doing. I’ve researched more than he knows, come to find out that even a fellow law enforcement friend of his has a lot of misinformation about this brotherhood my man is a part of, out and out wrong information. But they will believe what they want to believe, I’m seeing it from another side and see a totally different picture.
I’m not choosing my Biker over my son. I’m choosing MY happiness. I’m about to be 49yo. I’m no stranger to life and problems, love and heart break. I’m no fool, I do my homework. I judge by the character of the man, not the patch on the vest. I am not getting any younger. Life is there, and I won’t stand outside the fire because it is safe. Someone has come along that makes me HAPPY. He loves me for ME, not who he can change me to be. He is honest, real, has a heart of gold and while he is a bad boy, he is a very very good man. He loves his Lord, loves his brotherhood, takes care of those in the world that need help, and he loves me. I’m choosing to be the center of someone’s world.
I want to dance, with my Biker, in the rain, as his wife.
Now yes, I have taken this year off and shelved dating for 2012, but I shelved my nails too and those are back. But I’m not in any rush to un-shelve the whole dating fiasco, still working on ME. However it doesn’t mean that I cannot be mapping the necessary requirements for consideration when the time comes to submit one’s dating resume. Right?
Shortly after my divorce was final, I had posted 10 Qualifications For A Frog Prince With Benefits, mostly in fun, as I was NOT really seeking anyone, and figured if I did anything it would be a friend with benefits. Fate showed me once again that it is impossible for men and women to be just friends if it is just the two of them and not couple to couple friends, because over time attraction will grow. And then things happen. But looking back the qualifications, should I ever decide to come out of dating retirement, would apply for a REAL relationship:
QUALIFICATIONS FOR FROG PRINCE WITH BENEFITS A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP
Transportation: Having a car is a must for a FPWB – a Princess doesn’t use public transportation. She also does not ‘pick up’ the Prince, that is his job. The Princess is supposed to grace the passenger seat of the carriage of the Prince with her beauty.
Motorcycle: Should the FPWB also happen to own a motorcycle, he gains instant bonus points, as the Princess loves the position of fender fluff behind her Prince, wrapped around him.
Fashion sense: is a must! Men in midriff tops is NEVER acceptable! Know what to wear and when to wear it! If you are in danger of friends/family calling in Stacy and Clayton from TLC’s What Not To Wear, don’t bother applying.
Football Fan: You must be a football fan, as the Princess loves football! Bengals fans get highest marks, Colts behind them. Ravens and Browns fans will be judged on a case by case basis, Steelers fans need not bother applying, it is grounds for REJECTION OF APPLICATION on the spot!
Hygiene: Learn about it! Brush your teeth, shower and use soap and water, trim the tree and shave the jewels, and for the love of St. Peter if you can clearly shave numbers in your back hair, get a waxing! (hairy chests on the other hand are MORE than acceptable!
Playful: A guy in touch with his inner child, that can have FUN with a little water fight with the hose, snowball fights, some friendly wrestling over the TV remote (you must, of course, throw the match as Princess must always win). Princess is playful and possesses a sense of humor. If you lack these qualities, hop over to someone else’s pond please or contact your Fairy Godmother for assistance.
FOOD SENSE: Chips and dip does not qualify as tailgate or picnic food. Princess likes both of those activities and expects you will have enough brains to know what to bring or how to use Google if not! Her first and favorite test is a picnic in the park of her choosing to get to know you, what you pack for her to enjoy will tell her a lot about you! (this includes accessories needed for said adventure)
Time Management: Princess is a very busy lady, her schedule books in advance. While you may get lucky with last minute arrangements, it is best to book her time well ahead of the event. Oh, and she frowns on cancellations and no shows, so don’t do it unless you want off the A-List.
Cyber Savvy Flirt: The Princess likes a man who knows how to get her attention with a text or an email now and then, after all, she believes the world revolves around her. Oh wait, in HER universe it does, get used to it.
NO Limp Shrimp!: Princess enjoys sex. In fact that is the benefit side of this arrangement. She couldn’t care less if you get your trout stout with or without a little blue pill, just make sure your one eyed dragon is alive and in the game when she is ready.
I also will want information on any applicant’s astrological sign. If you have been following me for any length of time, you know that there are just certain guys that will never have a snow balls chance in hell. I didn’t heed the compatibility stuff with The Count, and learned my lesson once again. NO one born under the signs of Aquarius, Scorpio, or Leo need apply. It is NOT going to happen. Period. End. Of. Discussion.
Another pre-req will be the out come of the 41Q Personality test. Maybe. Just humor me okay? If you take the test and are interested, comment and use the 8 digit number it gives you at the end of the profile and I’ll post our compatibility results. Below is the screen shot of mine, without the number (no cheating!). It’s just for fun because I get asked so much when I’m going back on the market. Not sure anyone can handle me, but would be curious to see.
“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” ~ Marilyn Monroe
It has been a LONG week. To bed late (because even at nearly 49yo I am not a responsible adult), up early, and now walking 2 miles every evening or first thing in the morning. The alarm went off this morning and I couldn’t figure out how to turn it off at first. I’m SO glad I can go to be early tonight. I won’t but I’m glad that I can! I can sleep in tomorrow too, then the day is filled with pictures then the wedding of my son. I am SO excited. But first I need coffee. LOTS of coffee. I’m ready to sleep today whenever the baby naps.
I keep seeing something on various Facebook status updates that just bugs the crap out of me. “My man completes me” or “my children complete me”. EXCUSE ME, WTF? NO one completes us, ladies! We are complete all on our own. No man or child makes you more complete. If that is the case everyone out there minus a significant other and children is going through life an incomplete person. I’m calling bulls**t! Before you freak out let me explain.
Marvelous Marti was a complete person the day she was born. Throughout my life everyone, and every experience that has crossed my path and touched my life has in some way tweaked who I am, fine tuned me. They have brought out either my best or my worst, but in no way are any one of them the missing piece of me. I’m whole all on my own.
People and experiences can expose the cracks in our souls, or even cause those cracks. Depending on the degree of influence we allow them to have in our lives will depend on how much of our not so pretty sides gets seen, or how large the cracks they leave. Sometimes they leave a gaping hole there, but it is nothing that cannot be repaired. Or they can expose the beautiful parts of us and make those parts shine through. Good or bad, they help us to grow, but they do not in anyway complete the package. They compliment or clash against us.
When we grow through the people and events in our lives, the growth is from inside, parts of us we may not have known we even possessed. Deep inside is exactly what we need, when we need it, it is a matter of tapping into it. A good example is when my ex-husband nearly died several times during our marriage after major surgeries. Those times are when I discovered that inner strength was always there, I had just never needed it on that level before then. Yes, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, but only in the sense that like muscles being worked out gain strength, our inner courage and strength grow under hardship. The muscles were there, we just build them up when we workout. The strength we need is there, but until it needs to be flexed, we are unaware of it.
Last night, while at my son’s wedding rehearsal and dinner, I had a chance to sit back and really observe the man I was married to for 22 years, with eyes of indifference now that I’ve moved past the trauma of the end of that relationship, and with so much more knowledge of life and myself. When my ex wanted a divorce it shattered my world, my heart, and left a hole the size of Texas. But I was not suddenly ‘incomplete’ without him. I thought he was my soul mate, the love of my life. I realize now that there are many ‘soul mates’ out there, and sometimes we encounter people that their soul literally touches ours. They look into our eyes and SEE into our heart and soul. Theirs are open to us in those moments as well. Those are soul mates. My heart and soul were open to my ex, but he chose to never really look inside to find the treasure of who I am, to share in the marvelous riches of this woman. And he kept me locked out of his. I’d see glimpses now and then but he never allowed himself to be vulnerable and let me in. His inner child is shattered, tortured and needs healing, IMHO. I was not to be the one to fill those cracks with love, was never permitted to run my fingers through his soul and really FEEL who he was, and he certainly never made an effort to touch mine no matter how open it was for him.
After the divorce I felt that mutual soul ‘connection’ for the first time, and allowed someone to hold and examine my heart and soul, to understand me. While it didn’t last, it was a beautiful thing to have someone touch that part of me, to love me despite every imperfection, to feel that my imperfections and flaws are a priceless piece of me. I will never again commit my life to someone that doesn’t want to run their fingers through my soul and know me, and that will not allow me to do the same with them.
My own inner child has known great pain and shattered dreams, to the point that it even hurt to breathe. But in order to heal I’ve had to let her out to play, allow her run through the meadows now and then, chase butterflies and when needed, allowed love to creep in and fill the cracks. Those who have been granted my vulnerability so that they could really know me have helped that healing by covering me in love. Loving and being loved helps the healing process. It doesn’t make us who we are, it helps us, like an antibiotic for the infection that is causing our pain, we use it to fight the contagion of broken dreams. Scars are left behind where the cracks and holes once were, some are tender, but the wounds themselves are gone.
I will love deeply again, someone who can hold me when I’m most unlovable, and when I least deserve it. A soul mate who accepts my countless faults and can love those parts of me as much as they love the rest of who I am. They will compliment me, but no one can ever complete me except for me.
Remember old Romeo, from The Secret Garden Part 1 and Part 2? The guy that was so sure he should be on the inside of the garden wall (the barrier around my heart), the one that sent me lavender roses … Continue reading →
It has been awhile since I’ve updated the Dating Diary. Mostly this is due to it being the year of not dating because I needed more time to work on uncovering me and frankly my heart just cannot handle another … Continue reading →
Yesterday I wrote some about a book I’m reading, Crazy Time – Surviving Divorce and Building A New Life. It IS a fantastic book. The book goes into the unspoken, marriage contract all people make, as to who will be the dominant and who will be the submissive in the relationship. The problem comes when things deadlock and there is no seesaw of that dominance. Seems most never realize that is the issue.
It is not to be mistaken for CONTROL. I openly admit I was the more dominant person in my second marriage, most likely because my ex was used to a very strong mother so he was seeking, unconsciously, a strong woman in a wife. Guess he got more than he bargained for, as he is a bit of a control freak. But that is how he survived his mother, a familiar dance to him in life so I guess that is why he sought out me. I was definitely more dominant but he held the control. He controlled the money, insisted on a clean home with a place for everything and everything in its place. His way was the ‘correct’ way to clean the bathroom, etc, regardless of the outcome being the same no matter what method was used to achieve it. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking this in that it worked for us. Trust me, you could eat off our garage floor if that was your desire, the man was wicked awesome when it came to neat, clean and tidy. But what did not work was the deadlock in our relationship over time with no give on EITHER side of the equation. I am painted the bad guy, the cause of the divorce (never mind it takes 2 to make it work or fail), but I have big shoulders and the more I learn about me, the more I am more than willing to carry that blame. I have strong shoulders and not denying my part in it all.
The great part about the book is it points out, there is no ‘blame’, no assholes, no bitches. Reality is it deadlocks and it is a rare couple that seems to adjust the dominance between them as needed. As couples grow and change the distribution of the dominance never changes and that is the issue when it all fails. Neither side is able to adjust for the growth. Especially the dominant partner, they don’t handle the other person changing on them very well. And that would be me. I did not handle the growth and changes in my husband at all. Oh I wish I had known of this book when I got married, might have saved the relationship.
But that is not the topic I wanted to talk about today. I want to talk about the MAIN focus of this book, the ‘crazy time’ both sides will go through after the marriage is over. It starts at the the time of separation and typically, per countless therapists, lasts around 2 years. Crazy time is just that, CRAZY!
Dominant folks like myself get very angry and are subject to bizarre behavior. We are in complete denial that there was something wrong with the marriage and the divorce takes us completely by surprise. The other party, the submissive, has been plotting and planning, building up strength for some time, to exit the marriage. Often it is associated with an affair, called “the marriage breaking affair”. The dominant may never know about the affair, but it is the betrayal that is the beginning of the split. The cheater is building up their strength through an outside source, to pack it up and end the marriage. When they finally end the marriage, at the confrontation, the dominant person is caught off guard. And believe me this is all a script for things with my marriage. I did not see this coming at all. The final two years were the best it had ever been in my opinion. Far less fighting and tension. Then again, the ‘submissive’ partner was taking on more and more hours at the firehouse and more landscaping accounts. I now understand it was to be away from me so he could prepare to end things, and that is why it was quieter. I cannot find fault in him for that, he had no idea how to adjust things either! I had lost my job and the final 2 years I was unemployed. I changed and he couldn’t handle the person I became as I mourned the loss of my job. Losing a job, especially one you were at a long time (26yrs for me) is like a death. You go through all the same stages of grief and I was busy doing just that. As I was coming out of that 2 year crazy time, I got slapped with the divorce and got to go through the whole ‘death’ thing all over again. It’s a wonder I didn’t act on the fantasies of running his ass over!
Being dominant means denial at first. Then the anger sets in accompanied by bizarre behavior. Some even carry it too far and that is when the dominant partner might go as far as to kill their ex. Most never carry out their vivid fantasies of revenge, but seems some will. However the feelings and frustrations, the desire to ruin the other party, is perfectly normal. And the off the wall behavior, like lashing out irrationally in my blog, or getting totally plowed drunk with my son, was completely ordinary. Submissives go through that strange behavior too, doing things they never really did before. My ex played soccer all of a sudden with the girl I believe was the marriage breaking affair, if not physically at least on heart and mind level. In 23 years together, 22 of those married, he had never expressed any desire to play soccer. I wasn’t there to see it but I’ve heard he did his share of ‘crazy’ stuff too. More power to him. We were being ‘normal’. He didn’t care for my insanity and made that known and even told me others thought I was a nut case. I laugh out loud now, because yes indeed, I was acting like a nut case! A perfectly normal, ordinary response in our situation. I feel vindicated! And hey, I didn’t run him down, shoot him, stalk him or try to destroy him. I stayed on the edge of the cliff.
I am just past 2 years from being told we were done. May 1st marks the 2 year anniversary of my exiting the marital residence and our separation leading up to the divorce. The divorce was final in August that year. So, I am nearing the end of the typical 2 years it takes to work through the crazy time. Over all I’ve done well, and gone through the stages of grief. I knew I had arrived in a better place and was past it when I recently saw a photo of my ex and his new love, and I smiled! I actually realized I was happy for him. He didn’t have that Walter (Jeff Dunham puppet) scowl on his face, it was a genuine HAPPY smile! At the same time I noticed I was feeling relief that I am NOT attached or in love. The Count was the breaking of my own deadlock I was still carrying around for my marriage. I feel gloriously independent, enjoying soaring in the sky and flying free. It’s so exciting, exhilarating and scary all that same time!
But more on all of that tomorrow.
If you are going through a divorce, or contemplating one, or just passed one…heck if you are about to get married, PLEASE read this book. It has been so very helpful for me to realize I wasn’t losing my mind, I was sailing through very normal waters.
I’m coming off of an interesting weekend, one that left me somewhat shocked but also confirmed my beliefs about a situation and the misery it would have actually brought to me. I am a person that doesn’t handle it well when someone is upset with me. If I have made someone angry or hurt them, I’m obsessed with trying to fix that and make it better. And I am a person that needs closure on things to move past them, real closure. I don’t give up easily without doing all I can to right a wrong. Keep in mind I am very bull headed and stubborn, being born under the sign of Taurus and while this digging in my heals and refusing to budge can be good in achieving goals, on the negative side that trait can mean it takes me a while to go admit my wrong and try to mend a broken fence. So if there is fencing down between me and you, give it time I’ll make an attempt to fix it and if we cannot work together to reconstruct that which has been broken, I will then seek to find closure.
If you have been following my Dating Diaries you know that The Count and I split in mid December. It was the final heartbreak for me for a long time to come, I just cannot handle it anymore and need to focus on ME for a while. Not to say that things won’t change but I learned never say never long ago! I know I boxed him up and put him on the shelf. But the damn packing tape wouldn’t stick. That told me I still had some lose ends hanging out that needed addressing. Not the least of which is I hate when I don’t know why something failed, especially a relationship. I wanted to talk to him to find out what went wrong so I could fix that if it was something with me that needs fixing. So I sent a text asking if we could talk. No answer, big surprise there (read with sarcastic tone). So I followed that up with a text that I could stop by the store. WHOA that was a mistake. I received the following back in a text:
I am not dealing with you in any way, shape or form. Do not show up at my store or a restraining order will be got by me on you. I want to make it clear, there’s nothing to discuss, no reason to meet and anything further will be considered stalking and I will proceed to the restraining order!
I have had one restraining order taken out against me, it was during my divorce from my first husband, the violent man that was an alcoholic. I had threatened to break into the house and paint the living room ceiling black with orange polka dots. It was an ugly time and I was out of line to make a threat like that, because frankly I don’t know what I was thinking, the polka dots would have been PINK not orange. Anyway I don’t need or want another one issued for me. I’ve not been stalking Steve, in fact I’ve not sent a single text in a month, I was hoping to give him some space to think things through then maybe we could sit down like adults and talk. Silly me.
So, after receiving that text I went back to look over things thoroughly myself. Remember the list of Pros and Cons I had written regarding our relationship? Well I went back and reviewed those with a now far less emotional mindset. I could and should add a few things. Frankly he is a complete asshole to his mother, I was gentle with that then but if that is how I’d be treated (and I firmly believe the way a man treats his mother is a good indication of what is to come for you in a relationship), we’d have come to blows. Oh that likely would happen too, seeings as in his past he has a little domestic violence charge because he found his first wife in bed with someone and tossed the guy through a window and punched her in the face causing some damage.
Add into that the fact that he didn’t want me to dye my hair a different color, no more tattoos because that was ‘littering your body with ink’, and a host of other little things that I would not do, he did not approve of etc etc etc and I see a short fused CONTROL FREAK that would keep my free spirited nature caged up again. Nope this would NOT work at all.
Back when things fell apart I was really confused. I had assumed, since he deleted me from his Facebook and then wouldn’t respond to texts or phone calls (the day after telling me he loved me and thanking me for my patience because he was working so much), that we must be done, over, no more a couple. This is the text I received finally back then explaining things:
When u post things on facebook or ur friends do my grandson can see all of it. And with that said I had some issues with the dear diary thing, then ur friends post of the topless woman protest on wall street the thecheerleader kicking with a stain in her white shorts. I was mad and told jadon to defriend u and I did the same thinking he still might be able to see it. he doesn’t need to see or read that kind of stuff, and he goes to his friends house and logs on too to which I don’t need someone else mad at me on posts I had nothing to do with. So I did what I did and see that u assumed the worst so I need to step back and rethink the entire thing.
That was the last communication I had with him until the restraining order threat. Now, the ‘dear diary’ thing is my blog. And he knew all about the blog and told me he didn’t care what I posted on it, it was mine and I could talk about me and him or whatever, it didn’t matter, that was my thing and he was supportive. I guess he really did have issues with it? Most likely because I am so honest about myself on it. Like about my past life prior to him, being a swinger etc etc. Guessing he didn’t want his family to know that he had a girlfriend with a colorful past. Silly me, then open your mouth and say something. It wouldn’t have changed a damn thing, my blog is MY outlet, my inner self and I write what I want and won’t be told not too. Obviously he also doesn’t have a clue about blogging if he called it a ‘dear diary thing’. Oh and the grandson, is 12 years old. Gramps there better get a clue that kid has likely seen worse. And it isn’t my job to police others kids on Facebook. My kids are adults and I wasn’t really thinking in the Disney mode of posting anymore.
My sister stopped in to purchase a ham during the holidays and they talked about me and him a bit. When she asked him what he would assume if I had removed him from Facebook and then wouldn’t respond to texts of phone calls for a few days what he would have thought, he agreed, he would have assumed we were done, and that I hadn’t “assumed the worst” any more than he would have. He seemed to see things very differently that day and said he was going to call me that night. He then gave her one hell of a discount on the ham (guilt?). I never heard from him.
After retracing things, rethinking certain disapproving looks, remarks, out and out “no you won’t”, “If you are going to be a part of this family you better…”, and in light of the above…closure I can now have. I would have been miserable had that continued. I was in yet another relationship with a man that was mean spirited and controlling, and I was blind to it from the familiar dance steps for years and years past.
Yes, the box is now taped to stay with super glue just in case I have a weak moment. And I’ve seen that my decision to spend this year relationship free is a very good thing. I need to break the cycle of attraction to men that are controlling assholes. I need a man with a strong personality, but that isn’t the same as a little mini-dictator that has to control others.
I’ve been super confused of late about relationships, dating, and what my heart can take/not take. Last Saturday I spent the entire day with Teddy Bear, talking very openly about our lives, our experiences, and taking turns asking probing questions that sparked all manner of great conversations and memories. Later, after a fun day of driving the countryside of Indiana, through an adorable small town, lunch and dinner at new places for me, and touring an art museum (where I discovered I’ve really grown up as I LOVED it), I was laying in bed contemplating some of the conversations.
It’s just for fun because I get asked so much when I’m going back on the market. Not sure anyone can handle me, but would be curious to see.
