Tag Archives: prince charming

Fat Bottomed Girls Wake You Up Rudely

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No no, this is not a post about one of the many fat bottomed boogers that continue to stalk my writings (though if the spandex splits honey, wear it proudly!).  The reference is about the song, “Fat Bottomed Girls” by Queen.  It is one of my all time favorites of the band and somewhere I have the CDs though not at all certain any longer where they are stashed.  The song is set for my alarm on my phone.  So bright and early this morning my room is filled with the song.  At 6:30am it is a RUDE sound, very rude.  But it does the trick, I’m up and at ‘em and chipper!  :)

I love mornings when it is quiet and peaceful.  Even rainy days like today are nice in their own way.

This morning as I was sitting here looking at the stats on my blog dashboard.  97,459 visitors have  been to my blog since it began 31 months ago (as of this writing).  That averages out to over 3100 a month.  In the beginning the numbers were lower and most folks were coming to get my side of the  divorce story saga, or relish the raw pain and struggle for happiness.  I had moved to this page from my previous blog because I was not longer to be the wife of my hero, my Prince Charming, the fire fighter.  I left that blog page up, From The Mind Of A Fire Fighter’s Wife because I hate to destroy anything I took time to write.   I started this new page when we began the painful time of ending our marriage.  But most of the time the posts here were not about my divorce and over time my following has grown in great numbers.  I’m must be sharing something here that causes folks to want to check it out and return.  I’ve even been offered money to write posts for my blog for various businesses, but I’ve resisted other than one free, charity post.

My thoughts are always mine, the struggles and triumphs and deep thoughts I share come from my heart.  I share quotes and images at times that are not my own but touched me in some way. I guess what I am saying is that I am simply amazed at the number of readers I have, and that it won’t be too long now and I’ll roll 100,000 visitors.  And that just leaves this fat bottomed girl in awe.

30 Days Of Thankfulness ~ Day 4

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TheSingleWoman™ ~  Toxic people pollute everything around them. It’s not only okay to remove them from your life..it’s necessary.

OH such a very true statement that is!  My life has been infiltrated by a few toxic folks over time.  Some were just negative, others annoying and depressing, and still others out right damaging.

Negative people are like cement shoes around your feet in a smelly swamp.  They weigh you down, pulling you into the stagnant waters of their miserable attitudes and personalities.  No matter what there is good about someone or something, they find only the negative to capitalize on.  In some cases it is jealousy driven, no one else can be seen as pretty, sexy or as handsome as them.  Evil Queen syndrome, like from Snow White, they believe their ‘magic mirror’ ego that they are the most beautiful in the land when in fact they are nothing but covered in negative warts of ugliness. Gossip, lies and attacks are all they know, and if they do seem to be nice, it is about them, not you.  You are only worthy of their praise until they no longer have use for you.  They find fault in your ability to be happy in the worst of situations, because they are not happy people.  They suck you in to their misery and taint your view of others and often yourself.

Annoying and depressed people are harmless for the most part but they still are a drain on the emotions and mind.  Usually they are very needy types that suck your good will dry when you try to lend an ear or a helping hand.  If something bad happens to them, they are stuck there for years, unable to move forward even with professional help and drugs.  They are miserable and want someone to pay for their misery, their inability to just get over things and move on with their lives.  They cannot see that even if wronged, their reaction to their situations and choice to nurture and feed their hurt is making them sick, emotionally and mentally.  They try to sway others to their view, even concocting elaborate lies if necessary.  Infected boils on the happiness of others, they need to go!

The damaging types can be controlling, or abusive though mostly with their words sometimes it goes physical.  They can never tell you anything you do right, just what you do wrong.  You are to blame for everything wrong with them, from their temper to how they treat you.  There is no taking responsibility for their actions or reactions.  Before long you have compromised yourself and your self esteem to please them.

I’ve known toxic people of each type, but removing them is harder for someone like me.  I’m entirely too forgiving, I try hard to see the good in people and make excuses for their bad or lame behavior.  I’ve stayed in relationships long after I should have chosen to exit stage left and run like hell because I have a desire to make things right and hate that anyone is angry with me or finds fault in me.

Thankfully, 3 of the most toxic people in my life made the choice to remove themselves from my sphere of existence, and it was on the level of having cancerous tumors removed!  It wasn’t until after they were gone and I had time to heal from the broken relationship and friendships that I realized just how ‘ill’ I had become by their poisonous presence in my life.

I never thought the day would come, but I am ever so thankful now for the persons in my life that were toxic and chose to leave me behind them and move on.  They did for me what I was unable to do for myself because I allowed my love for them the cloud my common sense and level headed thinking.

Warning Lights And DEFCON 3

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Home late,  up entirely too early (such is life with cats) and now mulling over much in my mind.  Had couple cups of coffee with mom and Diva Boo, but now just sitting here thinking…and thinking some more.  It is what I do on Saturday mornings, contemplate the events of the week, and process it all.  I am in serious processing mode today.  I NEED some road therapy, and very much hoped to be on the back of Mr. Wonderful’s bike today riding off in any old direction until  we felt like turning around and coming back.  Unfortunately he  wrestles tonight and so that won’t work out.   That sucks, he is always good for helping me sort out my thoughts and asks the pointed questions I so need to hear and answer sometimes. I may have to take this to floating raft therapy instead..drifting about the  pool at Yatz and Angeo’s.

Long ago on another blog, at a happy and reflective  time in my life, I had written about how much I LOVE railroad crossings.  Trains are in my blood, my grandfather was a railroad engineer back when there were steam locomotives.  Several uncles and cousins worked for the railroad over the years.  I remember one night,  an early anniversary dinner at The Iron Horse Inn, you could FEEL the trains coming when you were dining, and things throughout the room vibrated as they passed by.  I LOVED it!  When me and Prince Charming left to go to our car a train was coming and I walked over near the tracks (poor guy probably thought I was going to throw myself in front of it, as he cautioned me to back up a bit) and I stood there with my eyes closed as it roared past, absorbing the vibrations through my body, feeling the wind against my face.  Tons of brute force and energy  in that engine, totally outstanding!  I have a friend that lives near tracks, they are probably not 20 feet  from her back fence.  She would laugh when we were there playing cards or eating, and I’d here the bells on the crossing a few houses down and bolt out the back door to go stand by the fence when the train went by, again closing my eyes and FEELING the tremendous power of the engines.

Railroad crossings are my favorite break time.  The lights start flashing, the gate comes down and you are stuck sitting there as the train passes, sometimes very fast and other times seemingly crawling at a snails pace.  Everyone around me is rolling their eyes in  their cars, I’m grinning like a kid at Christmas.  The sounds of the wheels clickty clacking over the tracks is like therapy for me.  From a symbolic stand point, I always take the flashing red lights to mean STOP, breathe, relax and THINK.  Just sit still and evaluate life…your goals, priorities, the road you are on at the moment.  Examine for just a few minutes where you are and where you are headed. REST a moment, life is going by fast, think it through.  It was funny really, I would cross this set of tracks every morning and afternoon in Glendale, the same tracks that pass The Iron Horse Inn,  and to get caught at the crossing was a rare treat.  Lots of trains roll through but it was only every once in a while that I actually got stuck waiting for one.  I took those as Divine intervention into my life to stop, think, pray,  etc. for just a few minutes.  Without a doubt each time it was when life was moving along fast and I wasn’t paying close enough attention to things.  Red lights were a warning for me.

I pay attention to my gut now, because I learned through those many waits at the crossings to take time to pay attention to my instincts.  We all have a 6th sense to us, and some are way more in tune to theirs than others.  I’ve tuned mine in very clearly for the most part over the years, as it has never failed me.  Like an internal traffic light, our gut instinct will flash green, yellow or red to guide us through life.  I will turn to prayer and my Bible when the lights start flashing yellow or red, seeking guidance in how to proceed.  I also turn to others that are not emotionally attached to situations to help me think through things,  like the Divas, or Mr. Wonderful.

I have a bright yellow caution light flashing at the moment.  Not a red, warning, don’t walk, but a yellow, go slow and sharpen the senses, use care and really be observant kind of light.  Those  lights are frustrating compared to green or red, because they are so FIXED.  This instinct light doesn’t give the answers, it tells me to LOOK for them, the signs, clues, indications etc…walk but with slow, careful, cautious and very aware steps.  Be on guard, DEFCON  3 internal level of alertness has been activated.  Stop, look and listen…

The Marvelous, Secret Garden, Part 1 ~ By Romeo

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A new reader, who wishes to remain anonymous,  began reading my blog (most every entry I’ve every written, I might add), he penned the following and sent it to me.  I found it so insightful I wanted to share it:

I know that you put up a tough exterior to protect yourself/heart, but do also stick up for yourself, no one’s doormat.  But when it comes down to it, you’re soft as butter, and you should be, just like me.

I imagined your secret garden, the place with the high wall that no one can see in unless you unlock the gate. I know what I can see from the outside. Lush green ivy covers the walls, but the heavy wood gate made of thick timbers and solid wrought iron hinges is nicely trimmed around. I hear water within, I imagine a babbling brook with a bench under a shade tree where on can sit and rest. I hear a multitude of birds chirping, and every now and then a butterfly will stray high enough that the multi-colored wings can be glimsped from out here. I suppose there is also a rolling valley of far green, low rising hill that seem to go on forever as though reflected in two opposing mirrors.

Because you have that tough exterior, your secret garden is that much more beautiful. It grows wild to give it’s love and affection that you hold back, and so dear and close. I wonder where the key is to this gate? I’ll keep searching for that answer……

~ Romeo

I  cannot tell him where the keys to the gate are, as I myself do not have them.  From what I have  learned, there are a few floating around, and those that possess them are unaware it is in their hands until they hear the hinges creaking and they are allowed inside.  One, Mr. Wonderful, treasured  his key, used it  to enter and has sat on the bench under the tree, he knows my secret garden very well.  The other, the Superhero, opened the gate  and stepped just inside my walls but opted to go no further.  I prefer to think it was just too much for him to take in at the time.  Sadly, one man, Prince Charming, if he had a key, never bothered to use it.  His key no longer works in the lock on the gate to the garden.  Seems the magic is only good for a time, so if it is not used periodically, the magic fades and eventually the key is useless.

I look forward to seeing who else possesses a magic key to the gate of my garden.  One day, someone will not only open the  gate and enter, but will find their home in the garden, opting to stay and help tend it and enjoy it’s beauty, and will lock the gate from the inside, rendering all other keys useless.

A Long Forgotten Note….

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It wasn’t all that long ago…just this past December.  I was preparing my heart to return to church after about a 5 or 6 year hiatus, the prodigal child was going back home where she knew she belonged.  I had met with my friend, Jane, for dinner at Chipotle.   She contacted me after a blog post of mine mentioned her, one of very few times her son followed a link on my Facebook page and read something I wrote.  He showed it to her,  she contacted me and we met.  It was a hard meeting at first for me, the past slammed into me, the pain of all those years of missing my beloved friend and sister in Christ.  She  encouraged me to come back to my home, back to my church family, and suggested some passages to read in my Bible.

I opened my old, trusted friend, turning pages and looking through the countless little pieces of paper and photos I have stuffed in the flap under the cover on either end.  Lots of sweet memories there to be found.  I started paging through to the chapter I had promised to read every night until Sunday morning, when I would return to my church home.  The pages fell open where a note was stuck between them.  It was a white, heart shaped piece of paper, just small enough to fit inside without folding.  Edged in pink and red flowers, it was from a once special pad of paper we used to write each other little notes.  I recognized the hand writing…it made my heart stop.  Before I could stop myself I read the words….

Doll,

It didn’t rain, YIPPIE!!!

Make a grocery list, see you later,

I Love You,

PC

I felt as if I had been punched in the  stomach, and realized I was crying as tears dripped down on to the piece of paper.  See, he called me ‘Doll’, I called him ‘Prince Charming’, or PC for short.  He was happy it hadn’t rained so he could go mow his many accounts that were over due from so much rain that spring.  It was a note he  had written to me, after we had hit a major bump and went through counseling, and were so much in love again…

The note was from about 6 years prior to that moment I sat reading it again, a moment 4 months after our divorce was final.

I realized then just how much I still loved him, and how much it still hurt.

Like our marriage, the note has been disposed of…tossed in a trash can,  hopeful that some of the pain would go with it.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

REMINDER: last day to enter the give away for the anti-bacterial hand gels!!! No catch, no purchase, just go and enter up to 3 times as instructed in the give away!

Need A Transitional Relationship? I’m Your Girl!

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Fate is one mean bitch, speaking from extensive experience here.  She seems to delight in bringing me good things then once I am attached to them on an emotional level she takes them back.  Is it any  wonder my heart is usually locked up and kept away from even the people I love?

From the first serious relationship I had in high school I’ve learned that I have a purpose in the lives of men…to transition them.  For some the transformation took longer than others, from a matter of weeks to 22 years, but eventually the result is the same.  I board their ships for a time, but sooner or later they deposit me back on the island of broken hearts to wait for the next needy soul to come along and take part of my heart.  Over the years I learned to hide more and more of myself behind walls and masks in an effort to protect who and what I am.

My first marriage was a disaster from the start.  I should have known that someone that spent more time drunk than sober could be an issue.  But at 19 I was young and naive and thought it would be blissful.  I was a wide open book, full of Cinderella dreams and love for a man who spent most of that time completely unaware of reality.  People who drink to the point of blacking out tend to have to fill in the blanks of what happened  because they cannot recall what occurred in their drunken stupor.  I even believed for a time he was sincerely sorry when he’d see the bruises all over me the next day from his violent rages and not recall what he did.  I knew the pattern…drink, get happy, drink more, get all sappy and lovey dovey, then drink more and the depression started setting in, a few more beers and he was out of control and violent.  I learned to make myself scarce when the affectionate side started, usually had him tuck me in bed and then pray he drank himself to sleep.  If not, he would come find me and start the hell all over again.  That was when I learned to fight back.  Corner me, threaten me, and hurt me and I will go all crazy bitch on you.  The final straw came while  I was pregnant with my son, when he hit me for the very last time.  I did what I should have done the first time several years earlier, I called the cops.  Back then they tried to sooth things over and calm it down, they made him take a walk.  That next night he went out and when I got up the next morning, when he was supposed to be at work, I found him face down in a puddle  of blood on the dining room floor.  He had come home so drunk he fell face first into the dining room table and knocked himself cold.  He got up, called in sick for work and went to bed.  I packed my shit and called my parents and moved out.  Of course he was so sorry later, even joined AA, and I moved back into the house.  For a few months he stopped drinking and sunk into one of the worst depressions I’ve encountered in anyone.  After the baby was born he became a very dark, mean person, but at least he didn’t hit me anymore.  Then one day I came home  from work and he had packed and left.  He made a choice, drinking was more important to him than me and our son.  He got the house, I moved into apartment and moved on.

I went through a number of relationships after that, but none lasted long.  I refused to be pushed around again, but I also didn’t want a weak man that I could walk on.  I’m a strong personality and a stubborn streak matched by few I know.  It is a survival mechanism I suppose.   When you grow up the misfit as a kid, you learn to build your outer shell pretty thick, even if you are dying inside.

The second marriage…I’ve hashed that one out more times in my posts than I care to go into.  We were two people that when together could attract more bad luck in life than anyone deserves and after so many years of being knocked down at every turn, we both were behind some pretty thick walls.  I will always love him, it’s what I do, love completely.  I was far from perfect, but I tried my best while keeping my vulnerable sides safely locked away.  Maybe that was the issue?  He rarely got a glimpse of that because if he reacted negatively to a piece of me I closed it off and never let out again. I didn’t even know me by the time we divorced.  He was his own damaged, train wreck when I met him and while I loved him completely and was my hero, it was surprising it got to the 22 year mark.

Despite what both husbands told me, that I’m a “total package kind of woman” (whatever the hell that means), and a multitude of boyfriends (a few even recently) told me I was amazing, wonderful, smokin hot, they love me….no one wants to keep me.  Each one seems to gravitate my way when their lives are in turmoil or fresh from battle. They take me aboard their ships, we dance on the waves for awhile, and then they return me to the shore of that island again and sail away.  Most only were given a tiny piece of me, I’ve learned to be very cautious now.  But no matter how small the piece they get to take with them, it still leaves me hurting.

Recently I was careless, and I let my guard down, and exposed too much of me yet again and once again got my heart broken really good.  And it wasn’t anyone’s fault this time, this guy was great, someone really special.  Just bad timing, a battle torn ship,  a crazy fun ride on the waves, and me letting myself be vulnerable and revealing a peek at the softer side of me that I’ve kept locked up since the first marriage failed.  Damn fate and the magic she knows how to weave, just when I felt safe and secure, and let myself really feel something, she yanked it away yet again.  I never learn. :(

I’m back behind the walls, adding a few more layers of protection around my heart and soul.  The drawbridge is going up on my castle on the Island Of Broken Hearts, and there are extra piranhas in the mote.  There just isn’t enough left of my heart anymore and it isn’t regenerating like it used too.  I don’t  think I can handle it again, this opening up to have fate feed my heart through the shredder again.  I’m keeping what is left for myself now.

Looking for a transitional relationship, one to get you through a rough spot in life? *waving hand in the air* I’m your girl.  Booty call, drinking buddy, take in a baseball or football game….but NO emotions, no caring, no giving a shit  what your day was like at the office.  I will listen, say all the right things and even offer advice, but don’t ask for or expect any real care, because it simply isn’t there to give anymore.  Don’t tell me what a great fit we are, how lucky you are to have me, cause you don’t have me. No one does.   I’m not keeper material and if you so much as say “I love you” I’ll be gone from your life so fast it will make your head spin.

I recently said I was one bad relationship from owning 10 cats.  More accurately, I was one broken heart away, and I’m starting to look at kittens more seriously so yeah, this is  one princess that is staying locked in the tower.  The  guards are ordered to shoot the next Prince Charming on site.

The Year Of Drastic Change -2010 In Review

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As this year comes to a close I’ve been reflecting on all the things that have changed in the landscape of my life over this past 12 months. In hind sight I can see that it was all a blessing but at the time much of it was happening it seemed like anything but for my good. I’ve also been reflecting on things that I want to change in the coming year, more like goals rather than resolutions. Resolutions seem to never be kept but realistic goals often do.

January – And So It Ends: My year began with an ending, the ending of my nearly 22 year marriage and 23 year relationship with my husband.  I was still in shock when I made my only post for January, from the announcement he made in the middle of the month that he wanted out and that it was all my fault.  Seems he could not deal with my anger issues that I really never accepted had existed up until that point.  I don’t for a minute believe that excuse, but I did seek medical help and was diagnosed with a serotonin imbalance that is easily kept in check with medication.  It was the beginning of this blog page, as my other one about being a Fire Wife was now obsolete.

February – The Drama Unit Is Formed, My First Major Step of Independence and The Dream House all chronicled some of the first stages in my spreading my wings to fly from the castle where I had lived with my Prince Charming who turned out to be a major fraud, in my opinion.

March – The shock was wearing off and reality setting in as I felt Homeless within my own house, and not yet part of the household of the Divas.

April – This month saw some realization and a turning point mentally and emotionally for me in my Ah Ha Moment and also seeing myself as aggressive rather than a passive victim, Don’t Call Me A Survivor regarding my circumstances.  It was a month of growth inwardly and anticipation of our big move into the new house.

May – The Divas Uncorked life in our new home on the first of the month, and I became a Reformed Cat Hater as I was given a kitten as a heart band-aid. Nurturing and loving her  little orphaned self did wonders for me.

June – We saw the end of a local icon, as Touch Down Jesus burned When Something Wicked This Way Came, our first major stormy night at the Diva Den, and I started a weekly post Wine & Cheese Wednesday where I ‘whine’ a bit each week about pet peeves and such.  It will return in the new year, I have been taking a break during December from my regular posts.

July – Summer brought about a new attitude in me, and I finally reached the point where I got angry and wrote my reply to my Soon To Be Ex Though Not Soon Enough when he asked why I was so angry at him. I realized then his hold over me had broken. I also had my 100th Blog Post and shared a bit more detail about my wonderful, awesome, perfectly imperfect self.

August -The Ink Was Dry and The Chapter Closed on my marriage with the final hearing and granting of our divorce. Later that day Lord Voldemort, as my now former husband is known in the Diva Den, blocked me from being able to text or call him and the house phone had been disconnected. I also came to realize that the Someone who has made my life worth living for was no one other than myself, another major step toward healing! The very end of the month, the final weekend, Mr. Wonderful/TSASA (Twisted Steel And Sex Appeal) walked back into my life and so began my learning to eat my words about never loving again.

September - I made some decisions about my life in determining only to allow those Who Are Willing To Ride The Bus with me when my limo is broken down to get close to me from now on. I also had one last major confrontation with the ex, at which point I realized, I DIRECT MY LIFE NOW and I really don’t give a flying frog’s butt what he thinks.

October – As Autumn had set in it became Time For Some Pruning in my life, and a follow up Landscaping Of My Life, as while I had already removed the sinful, dark parts of my life I needed to finish off the final traces of that way of life as I began moving closer to my return to a right path in life.

November – I faced head on The Monster Within me and accepted the harsh reality that I cannot drink alcohol, especially on my medication which intensified the issues, and not cause serious damage to the relationships around me. I have not had a drink since Thanksgiving, don’t crave or miss it, and in fact over all feel much better.

December – And this month has ushered in many changes for me in going ‘home’ where All Is Right In My World, how I’d plan out my Last Meal if given the chance, enjoying my ongoing relationship with Mr. Wonderful, and now facing the unknown ahead as my mother’s cancer has returned. I’ve been embraced by my church family, have a mentor of sorts in my wonderful friend, Jane, who keeps me accountable and prays for me and my feet are back on the firm foundation of my Savior.

My Goals For The Coming Year

I have set a few goals that I hope are realistic for this coming year.

*Beginning 1/1/11 I will make every effort to avoid mentioning my ex-husband in my blogs, and if it is necessary will try to make it as positive and brief as possible.  I must thank him for setting me free, as I’ve gotten to know me all over again, found someone very special that thinks I am pretty incredible even with all of my flaws, and I found out that there is a better life outside of the palace.  This  will thrill the diaper off Lord Voldemort as he actually calls my mommy to tell on me when I post something he doesn’t like!  Comical isn’t it?  He needs to grow up and grow a pair very badly and try talking to me (not cussing a blue streak but COMMUNICATING like an adult).  I’m 47yo, I’ll post what I want, when I want, you lost the right to tell me what to do on 1/15/10 when you asked for a divorce.  ::raises my glass:: here is to hoping karma continues to chomp your butt as it has since I moved out, and that you grow up some day, little boy. *CHEERS*  (okay NOW I feel better and will pray it doesn’t keep chomping)

*I have a goal to focus on the health of my soul, feeding it by being at church for both services on Sundays, the mid-week prayer meeting, and be in the Word daily for feeding my soul and memorizing passages.  I revamped my other blog page into a positive place for my Spiritual Journey, taking something dark and sinful and making it honoring to God.

*I fully intend to allow this relationship with Mr. Wonderful to bloom and grow at its own pace, doing it RIGHT this time, and keeping it Christ centered.  We may not always do it right, but my goal is to strive for that.

*And to take better care of myself, start walking at least every other day, and drink 64 ounces of water a day.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow…

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Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There’s a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Someday I’ll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That’s where you’ll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can’t I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can’t I?

~ Judy Garland/The Wizard of Oz

I LOVE that song from ‘The Wizard of Oz’.  Poor Dorothy, hunting through life for her heart’s desire, only to learn “if I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with!”

I think so often we go through life in search of happiness and miss it because it was right there, within ourselves.  We search for the perfect mate, try to find the perfect job, the perfect house in the perfect neighborhood.  We search for the perfect outfit, the perfect hairstyle, the perfect car.  We’re always on the hunt for that ‘perfect’ whatever, thinking that is the key to us being happy.  We  find the perfect whatever it is, only to find that is not the key to happiness and most decidedly is  NOT perfect.

Happiness is a decision we make, in my opinion.  How we chose to react to circumstances and others is our own to decide.  Be it anger,  hurt or even love,  we chose our reactions.  Things will make us mad, people will hurt our feelings, and we will love others without trying too.  But we control our reactions to each situation.  While I did have a serotonin imbalance to feed my anger, it was MY choice to pick up a glass and throw it at the wall (something I have not done in many many years).  It was my choice to spew hateful words at someone. The imbalance got the best of me, making it impossible for me to make the best choice, but still it was my choice.  I made very bad choices and those choices often had bad consequences.  If you don’t have this issue, you wouldn’t understand.  I didn’t even understand how I was until I missed my medication 2 days and got to experience life with the chemicals out of balance again, and then I had something to really compare it all too.    Certainly outside influences steer us, and fear, love, hurt, anger….those cannot be turned on and off like water, but we can take a step back and decide how we are going to react. We can chose to be happy and not angry, bitter or hateful.

When I got married the second time I thought I had found Prince Charming.  Then I set about to make my marriage work by trying to be perfect.  Failing to meet the standards set by someone else only frustrated me and made me bitter.  I cannot be perfect, and cannot squeeze myself into a mold that someone else feels is their perfect someone.  I kept trying to be what I would never be, the ideal for my ex-husband.  When I got frustrated with my failure to measure up, it only made me feel worse about myself and lash out at him.  His standard for what made him happy was a level I would never be able to achieve.  The pressure I placed on myself was unrealistic. I have since discovered the key to my own happiness, ME.  I no longer need anyone elses approval of me to be happy.  My worth hangs on no ones hanger but my own.  As it turned out, I am happy with me as I am. Slightly plump, tattooed, pierced nose, pink hair (on the weekends now), sometimes lazy, often the procrastinator, perfectly imperfect me! Once I came to the realization that I am the only one who can chose happiness for me, I found myself over the rainbow.

Troubles…yes they can melt like lemon drops, or I can chose to dwell on them.  I can fly like the blue birds or opt to be grounded.  I can hold a grudge forever, or decide to offer an olive branch.  I can try like hell to be someone I am not to make another happy, or I can be me and find someone that can love me as I am with all of my  quirky, blond  imperfections.  And I can in turn love them with all of their cracks in their perfection. .

How Long Can I Stand Outside The Fire?

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When the foundation of my world suddenly crumbled beneath me, I stuffed my heart into a protective bubble, vowing to never again let it feel.  It felt like it had been fed through a meat grinder, and I’m fairly certain major pieces were lost or beyond repair.  It sat in ICU on life support a long time.  While my kitten helped me to heal and love again when it came to HER, men were another story.  I just don’t trust them, most all seem to be complete pigs (MOST not all).  Friends with benefits became the name of  the game for me, sex with no emotions.  I stayed in the swinger lifestyle a bit, thinking perhaps as a single I’d feel differently about it.  But I found out quickly how empty that still was, how much I felt like a blow up doll to be used then passed on.  Swinging wasn’t any different single than married, except now I didn’t have someone who at least CLAIMED to love and adore me when I got home.  Empty sex wasn’t cutting it, they make ‘toys’ for that sort of thing with less  hassle involved.

Friends with benefits works in theory, but “friends” without the emotion reminds me of visitors in prison.  They sit on either side of a window, they can talk,  laugh, etc, but  when it comes to touching there is a clear barrier between them.  Everything special is beyond reach.   Hand to hand coldness with glass in between.  In this case it is the hearts that sit across from each other, but cannot reach out and touch, they are blocked by a clear fortress wall meant to shield and protect.  This was what I thought I wanted, but instead my heart wants to feel after all.  However, I am terribly afraid of my emotions, and afraid to trust another with my heart or trust myself with someone else’s,  the pain of the marriage ending still very fresh in my mind.  But my heart rebels against the restraints, is pushing against the protective bubble despite me.

I’ve talked about my great aunt Ruth before, how she divorced and raised her kids alone at a time when divorce was NOT acceptable.  She did find love again but for whatever reason never remarried.  She was engaged, yet did not live with him.  She kept her own place, he kept his.  They stayed nights with each other but each had their own sanctuary to go too, their own ‘place’ and independence.  I have not yet found out why this was but I plan too, I want to know how that worked and why they did it that way.

I  don’t know if that is the sort of relationship I want or not.  A long term, deep friendship/companionship type of relationship seems appealing.  Exclusive but not bound by anything but trust that there is  no sharing of oneself with others.  Trust without a commitment.   Trust is a tough thing for me right  now, but I’m working on it.  Just one day at a time.

I  don’t believe any longer that you can have a friendship that includes intimacy on a sexual level and have it be void of emotions.  There is going to be a bond that forms, there is just no way to look another person in the eyes during those moments, to hold and kiss them, to share something so personal and not have some sort of feeling developing, not be touching each others hearts even if ever so lightly.  Even on just the friendship side, without the sex, there will be feelings that develop and grow.  Not necessarily love in the sense of being romantically in love, but you cannot have a friendship without caring.  The foundation of any friendship is built on caring.  Not the intense, burning love that takes a while to grow, but there is feeling there, and emotions do come from our hearts.  Add sex to that friendship and fragile hearts will be risking hurt all over again.  Love can and will grow when least expected.  Time + friendship + sharing + companionship + sex has a really good shot at equaling love.  That is evident in arranged marriages that over the years of being together, working together, being physically intimate together grows a love like no other.  One of my favorite places to eat is owned by a couple a number of years older than myself, that were married by arrangement in Greece when they were very young.  They came here and established themselves and are still married.  No it wasn’t a match made in heaven but even when grumbling at each other it is SO evident that they very much love each other.

How long can two people  share pieces of themselves, share intimacy, standing outside of the fire, before they are drawn in without even realizing it?

One  of my favorite movies is ‘Fiddler On The Roof‘ (I’m a sucker for musicals).  There is a song in there,  when Tevye asks his wife, Golde, if she loves him.  Here is the song:

(Tevye)
“Golde, I have decided to give Perchik permission to become engaged to our daughter, Hodel.”

(Golde)
“What??? He’s poor! He has nothing, absolutely nothing!”

(Tevye)
“He’s a good man, Golde.
I like him. And what’s more important, Hodel likes him. Hodel loves him.
So what can we do?
It’s a new world… A new world. Love. Golde…”

Do you love me?

(Golde)
Do I what?

(Tevye)
Do you love me?

(Golde)
Do I love you?
With our daughters getting married
And this trouble in the town
You’re upset, you’re worn out
Go inside, go lie down!
Maybe it’s indigestion

(Tevye)
“Golde I’m asking you a question…”

Do you love me?

(Golde)
You’re a fool

(Tevye)
“I know…”

But do you love me?

(Golde)
Do I love you?
For twenty-five years I’ve washed your clothes
Cooked your meals, cleaned your house
Given you children, milked the cow
After twenty-five years, why talk about love right now?

(Tevye)
Golde, The first time I met you
Was on our wedding day
I was scared

(Golde)
I was shy

(Tevye)
I was nervous

(Golde)
So was I

(Tevye)
But my father and my mother
Said we’d learn to love each other
And now I’m asking, Golde
Do you love me?

(Golde)
I’m your wife

(Tevye)
“I know…”
But do you love me?

(Golde)
Do I love him?
For twenty-five years I’ve lived with him
Fought him, starved with him
Twenty-five years my bed is his
If that’s not love, what is?

(Tevye)
Then you love me?

(Golde)
I suppose I do

(Tevye)
And I suppose I love you too

(Both)
It doesn’t  change a thing
But even so
After twenty-five years
It’s nice to know

I  have always loved that song and thought of the couple I spoke of above when I heard it.  Love WILL grow over time, when life and times are shared, good and bad, and intimacy.  It cannot be avoided.  It makes the entering into a long term friendship something not to be taken lightly, as the longer the friendship lasts, the more the bond will form,  and fondness will grow deeper and become love.  The only way to avoid this is to run away when the heart starts to feel something, or be a hermit, become an island and simply exist.  But that isn’t living.  I don’t want to  just exist in this world, especially when I feel God gave us a heart so that we would love and care about others.  Him first of course, but then others.  He even said it is not good for man to be alone.  Perhaps that is why when we are alone it doesn’t feel right?  We’re made for mating, two people becoming one together.  But in the imperfection of this world, many don’t last forever as intended.

I just feel that I cannot give up on love, it can and does work the way it is supposed too.  Forever does mean something to some, it meant something to me before.  I didn’t chose to bail, I meant every word I said when I got married.  While I don’t know that I would ever marry again,  I won’t say ‘never’.  But I will love again, and relish it while it lasts knowing full well I will hurt again.  Love will either end by man’s doing or death, but sooner or later there WILL be pain again.  It is part of life. And I want to LIVE life again, be it with a long term companion/friend or more….I will one day let someone hold my heart, and I will hold theirs as well,  and guard it with all that is in me.

 

We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk it the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always come with getting burned

But you got to be tough when consumed by desire
‘Cause it’s not enough just to stand outside the fire
We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all

They’re so hell bent on giving, walking a wire
Convinced it’s not living if you stand outside the fire

Chorus:
Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried it is merely survived
If you’re standing outside the fire

There’s this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can’t abide standing outside the fire

Repeat Chorus(twice)

~ Garth Brooks ~

I Am A Recovering Bully…

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Yesterday I read a very powerful post by Single Dad Laughing about bullies and being a victim of bullies as a kid.  OMG did I relate to that post!  I got picked on a lot growing up, and until I got to high school and away from all those kids in grade school that had made me a target, I was miserable.  My self esteem was and a lot of times still IS in the toilet.  That is baggage that I’ve dragged through life since then, though I am happy to say over time and through life lessons I’ve gradually left a good deal of it behind.  I will even go as far as to say that the ex-husband had a lot to do with much of it being dumbed on the road side of life.  He has his faults but the man did build up my self esteem in a lot of areas and helped me see myself as a beautiful woman, hot even.  It still is hard for me to accept but I no longer look in the mirror and see plain Jane.

Bullying is not something that is left just to the kids, however.  Adults do it too, only now it is commonly referred to as ‘drama’.  It takes all kinds of shapes, sometimes on online forums, sometimes via social media sites, and even sometimes in blogs.  Bullying can be out and out attacks on a person or their character, or lies and half truths of gossip told behind someone’s back with the intent of turning mutual acquaintances against that individual.  I have been on the receiving end of all of these types of bullying in the recent and distant past, AND I admit, I am guilty of said behavior myself.  I’ve used my blog in the past to attack someone else (those blogs were removed when I realized how juvenile I was being) and I’ve used Twitter for the same purpose (again I did try to clean those up and remove from my feed as I saw how childish it was).  That realization of my negative behavior began to grow as my love and appreciation for me began to grow, which was as my heart was healing through the process of my divorce.

This section of Single Dad Laughing’s blog really stood out to me and got me thinking (emphasis mine):

You see, I’ve learned one universal truth. People who love themselves, don’t hurt other people. The more we hate ourselves, the more we want others to suffer. Every bully that bullied me (and by the end of junior high there were at least a dozen of them) was a desperate and hurting individual. The victim of something going on around them. A soul that was probably crying in solitude as often as I was, even if the crying was silent.

And so, I will ask you now to not hate the bullies. Experience tells me that hating them, or being angry with them, will always make it worse. Instead, put your arm around them. Love them. Tell them that they are valuable. Tell them that you expect great things from them. They will stop the bullying. They will stop, because they will start to love themselves. And people who love themselves don’t bully others.

(copied and pasted from Single Dad Laughing – Memoirs Of A Bullied Kid )

That really hit home with me!!!  I realized that the more I began to heal and really LOOK at Marti, and examine myself during that healing process, the more I began to really LOVE myself.  The more I loved myself, the less I was attacking others.  There is really only one person left that I have issues with, and that I will say negative things about, and that is the ex-husband.  Though I don’t really see that what I write of late that pertains to him is bullying.  But I’m not done examining that yet and I admit I am still hurt, still a tad raw, a bit bitter and angry at him.  Guess I still don’t 100% love myself?

This morning (after I had written and scheduled today’s blogs to publish in the queue late last night) I caught “Jeff Unzipped” on WKRQ.  Jeff shares from the man’s perspective on issues and I tend to find this segment very enlightening.  To sum it all up, he said that when someone has an issue with me, and breaks things off, dumps me as a friend whatever, and says “it’s not you, it’s me”, that this is a true statement!  Even if they say it IS you, something about you (like too full of self, ego, etc), it IS them that has the issue.  We are all who we are and if someone doesn’t like something about us, it is THEIR problem, not ours.  This is pretty much where I was in my thinking when I wrote my post My Ah-Ha Moment when I finally realized that if my husband was telling me the truth, that he had issues with my temper BEFORE he married me, that was HIS problem that he married me knowing it then stayed married to me for just shy of 23  years!  It wasn’t like that was a sudden issue that popped up, I’ve ALWAYS had a temper, always shot off my mouth before thinking, and always went for the emotional jugular on whoever I was going off on at the time.

Thanks to Lexapro I HAVE gotten much better at handling emotional outbursts, but that doesn’t mean there are none.  I’ve unloaded on the ex-husband a few times since I started taking it, but the intensity has gradually diminished.  I openly admit, I did not really love myself much during that time as my marriage to what I thought was Prince Charming was ending and seemingly it was my fault.  I felt like a complete and utter failure.   I now understand it wasn’t my fault, I am what and who I am, it is his own fault for marrying me knowing my faults and then staying there tolerating the ‘intolerable’ for so long. HE was the failure, he failed to love me unconditionally, failed to uphold the marriage vows (better/worse, richer/poor, good times/bad, sickness/health).  He failed when he said “I do” and he didn’t.  I cannot force someone to accept me, so I am better off on my own in this case and I’m not sorry he was so miserable, his misery was of his own choice. But I do admit, I bullied him every time that I went for his throat in verbal anger with the intent to hurt and wound his heart, and for THAT I am sincerely sorry.

Part of my self examination in recent months and the coming to love myself more, is also realizing the need to admit when I did something wrong and apologize.  3 people come to mind at this time, and since the bullying was done publicly the apology is deserved that way as well.

Pete – exhusband, aka Lord Voldemort, Grumpy Dwarf, He Who Shall Not Be Named – I am sorry for any bullying or attacks I’ve made.  I stand by my thoughts and feelings that I have written, and while I cannot prove it beyond a mountain of circumstantial evidence I still believe that Mary had more to do with your desire to leave me than my temper did.  However I do very much apologize for the 3 times I wished you dead and hurt you so deeply, it was bullying without a doubt.  The nicknames etc, I use them in fun, but if they hurt you in anyway I apologize.  I will refrain in the future.

Cinnamon A. – I fully admit that many times I am guilty of bullying tactics in referring to you in most unkind terms, and blogging/tweeting some pretty mean spirited stuff your way. I believe I have removed all of that, but if not feel free to point it out and I’ll take those down.  Either way, I apologize, I was totally out of line and definitely admit I was out to piss you off and hurt your feelings.  We are, for whatever reason, oil and water, but I do think you are one of the more level headed, strong women I know.  Please, don’t stoop to the level I did, you are better than that! (By the way, Cinnamon is a really great writer and you’d very much enjoy her blog page if you surf over to Cinfulcinnamon’s Blog Page if she had a button I’d add it to my page of folks to follow, but she doesn’t so use the  link)

Teresa/Queenie – I don’t even know what to say here.  To this day I don’t really understand what it is that caused you to suddenly turn your back on me and get into the middle of a fight you did not have a dog in.  I only know that something about my blogs, none of which attacked you, but rather focused on me and my pain, my happiness etc., caused you to feel you needed to remove me from your life.  I’m sorry you felt that way, but I am who I am and won’t apologize for that.  If you cannot handle who I am, I respect your right to turn away, that is your choice.  I am glad you befriended the ex-husband, and hope that he finds support and love from you and Randy.  I DO admit to taking on bullying tactics with the blog I wrote on my other page.  It is the only one in which I ever got shitty.  I admit to taking a swipe or two on forums we both visit, I apologize for any of those as well.  I don’t believe I have made a shitty post about you on this blog page but if I have please let me know.  The other one, by the time you see this, will be gone.  It was written to lash out and hurt you, and I apologize for that.

I am perfectly imperfect, full of faults and character flaws.  But I am also a very good person, very loving and forgiving, and I admit when I am wrong. I AM a recovering bully, but working on that and on loving myself more and more every day.  It is easy to ‘bully from behind a PC or say things about someone when they are not present to defend themselves. But again, I’m working on that.

Ten Qualifications For A Frog Prince With Benefits

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I am the star of  my own reality show. Recently having moved out of Prince Charming’s Castle and into the Princess Palace, I’ve sworn off Happily Ever After.  Frankly I don’t even believe in that fairy tale ending anymore.  If you’ve followed my blog posts at all you know my happy ending vanished in a “puff of smoke” and left me believing that knights in shining armor don’t really exist, and that pretty much all of those guys are losers in aluminum foil.  At first they look good sitting astride that big, white stallion, but before long you find out it is rocking horse and he has all the charm of a pot belly pig. Well maybe not even that much, as some little piggies are kinda cute and endearing.  Don’t let that  discourage the Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella chicks out there, maybe the story will end differently for you.

Now, I’ve realized that a frog is not going to turn into prince when I kiss him.  In fact most men in this world are just glorified toads.  You kiss them, they may appear to turn into a blue blood, but really all they are is a wart covered royal heart break in the end, before they return to their lily pads to try and sucker the next princess that comes along (if they haven’t been attempting to ‘ribbet’ in her ear already).

Enter the Frog Prince With Benefits.  Not to be confused with a Friend With Benefits (FWB), as the FWB is nothing more than a cuddle bud/booty call/f*ck friend.  The FPWB needs to arrive at the draw bridge with way more than his disco stick, he needs to act like a Prince and treat me like the Princess I am if he wants the treasure – the benefits, WITHOUT the emotional or commitment attachment/exclusive arrangement.  FPWB is more of a companion, someone to go out with, do things with, and then be your partner for the sheet mambo.  I have had a few FWBs (and then there is the always dependable B.O.B. – my  Battery Operated Boyfriend), so now I am seeking the FPWB types, and in order to make it into that select club there are qualifications.  The more you possess, the more likely you will make the A-list and the higher up on the preference scale you will rate.


QUALIFICATIONS FOR FROG PRINCE WITH BENEFITS

  1. Transportation: Having a car is a must for a FPWB – a Princess doesn’t use public transportation.  She also does not ‘pick up’ the Prince, that is his job.  The Princess is supposed to grace the passenger seat of the carriage of the Prince with her beauty.
  2. Motorcycle: Should the FPWB also happen to own a motorcycle, he gains instant bonus points, as the Princess loves the position of fender fluff behind her Prince, wrapped around him.
  3. Fashion sense: is a must!  Men in midriff tops is NEVER acceptable!  Know what to wear and when to wear it! If you are in danger of friends/family calling in Stacy and Clayton from TLC’s What Not To Wear, don’t bother applying.
  4. Football Fan: You must be a football fan, as the Princess loves football! Bengals fans get highest marks, Colts behind them.  Ravens and Browns fans will be judged on a case by case basis, Steelers fans need not bother applying, it is grounds for REJECTION OF APPLICATION on the spot!
  5. Hygiene: Learn about it! Brush your teeth, shower and use soap and water, trim the tree and shave the jewels, and for the love of St. Peter if you can clearly shave numbers in your back hair, get a waxing! (hairy chests on the other hand are MORE than acceptable!
  6. Playful: A guy in touch with his inner child, that can have FUN with a little water fight with the hose, snowball fights, some friendly wrestling over the TV remote (you must, of course, throw the match as Princess must always win).  Princess is playful and possesses a sense of humor.  If you lack these qualities, hop over to someone else’s pond please or contact your Fairy Godmother for assistance.
  7. FOOD SENSE: Chips and dip does not qualify as tailgate or picnic food.  Princess likes both of those activities and expects you will have enough brains to know what to bring or how to use Google if not!  Her first and favorite test is a picnic in the park of her choosing to get to know you, what you pack for her to enjoy will tell her a lot about you! (this includes accessories needed for said adventure)
  8. Time Management: Princess is a very busy lady, her schedule books in advance.  While you may get lucky with last minute arrangements, it is best to book her time well ahead of the event.  Oh, and she frowns on cancellations and no shows, so don’t do it unless you want off the A-List.
  9. Cyber Savvy Flirt: The Princess likes a man who knows how to get her attention with a text or an email now and then, after all, she believes the world revolves around her. Oh wait, in HER universe it does, get used to it.
  10. NO Limp Shrimp!: Princess enjoys sex.  In fact that is the benefit side of this arrangement.  She couldn’t care less if you get your trout stout with or without a little blue pill, just make sure your one eyed dragon is alive and in the game when she is ready.

Applications now being accepted for Frog Prince With Benefits!!

***Disclaimer:  the above was all in fun…though if you meet any of these qualifications your odds of getting my attention are greatly improved!***

Day 03 → Something I Have To Forgive Myself For

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Reaching up and grabbing the cord, I pull down the trap door that has the steps attached to the attic of my mind and heart.  Unfolding the steps I climb up slowly, into the dark hole above.  When I reach the top step I gently wave my arm above my head and locate the pull string to turn on the light.  Just like the cobweb filled, dusty top level of the house,  this attack contains memories, all boxed up, and stacked in rows.  Many contain happy thoughts and mental images of life for the past 47 years, and some contain things that are not so pleasant and others will be down right painful to open.  I scan the rows, fingers lightly running across the writing on the containers, bringing back snippets of days gone by.  I don’t linger over these, today I am searching for a particular one,  its contents difficult to face.  Finally I spot it, there  in the corner, away from all the other cartons.

I approach this particular trunk with much dread, as while the contents are usually few, they are not things that are happy, pretty or fun.  These are  things that fill me with regret, things waiting for me to face and let go of so that they can be placed in a different container for unpleasant memories somewhere else  in my mental  attic.  The lid creeks as I  lift it, and gently tip it back.   Light shines forth from the inside of this trunk, as facing its contents is the key to moving on in life as a better person.  But light can pierce into the darkness, and be painful to the eyes that have existed in the darkness for any period of time.  But today I am ready… Peering inside I see it, the one lone item.  It is that something I need to forgive myself for, just waiting there for me to face it head on.  I’ve not been ignoring it, I do struggle with it and examine it from time to time, but in the past I’ve always placed it back in the trunk, closed the lid and moved on.  Not today, today this needs to be faced.

For 24 years I was fortunate enough to be the significant other to a very special man, and for  just shy of 23 years I bore  his name as his wife.  They were not always happy years, our marriage road  the choppy  waters of life’s storms, some that were of our own making, but most came out of no where and caught us off guard.  Neither of us can claim to have been stellar sailors through those waves, we each fell  short time and time again.  But we weathered them and I always felt came through them better than we had been when the first dark  clouds had approached.  With each day and each crisis I loved him more, my heart embracing my Prince Charming.  Oh I knew he was not a true Prince, in fact in many ways he fell far short of the mark, but he was  mine and deep down to the core of my heart and soul I loved that man with every cell in me.  It did not matter that he was not perfect, he was Pete, my soul mate, my knight in shining armor, and the dents and tarnished areas, though  often what would  annoy me about him, were also things I truly loved about him.

I was far from the perfect wife, mom and woman.  In his eyes, at one time, he must have seen something in me that he wanted.  I remember one time waking up from a deep sleep to find him sitting next to the bed just watching me sleep.  I asked him what he was doing and he said just looking at me,  marveling that I was all his.  It is one of the most beautiful memories I have of him, a time when he looked past my faults and could see inside and see something and someone of value, someone he treasured.  I was someone that he wanted to spend his life with, have children with, and grow old next too.  I wonder how we got from those eyes  looking at me in wonder and love, to the eyes that looked at me before we entered the court room for our divorce, now filled with such hatred and disdain, that tore at my heart leaving fresh and painful wounds.

I am a woman that feels all emotions deeply. My love is deep, my happiness runs deep, my pain runs to my core, as does my anger.  I could  go from zero to 120 in a  split second, erupting like a volcano spewing destructive lava all over.  At times I even took pride in the fact that when I  was mad I went for the emotional and mental  jugular on the target of my outbursts.  I got angry over silly, small things to extremes  that  left folks around me scratching their heads as to why something so insignificant would make me SO upset,  and other things would not.   There was no pattern, no way to know what would  set  off  the dynamite  and bring forth a very ugly me.  For years my Prince would tell me that I needed to get a grip on my anger, but I didn’t listen.  Others around me helped me justify it, telling me that I was just  overly tired and stressed out.

They were correct, I was often tired and under a lot of stress.  For years I  carried the financial weight of our family, while dealing with his medical issues that nearly killed him on 3 different occasions.  The pain and sleep deprivation,  combined with narcotics that made him a bear to tolerate.  We went through a period where we were charging our groceries on credit cards just to feed our kids, anyone around me could understand me being stressed out and angry.  SO many things year upon year that put much mental and emotional weight on me that were convenient excuses for my vicious moments.  But all the while Pete was telling me that I needed to get control of my temper.  He is not a great communicator, I’ve always known this about him, but if  ONLY I had given more attention to what he was saying.  He wasn’t able to put into words that I was ripping his heart apart at times, driving him away from me.  And I wasn’t able to see it.  After all he was one person with one view, and I had a lifetime of who I was, a family with 3 siblings with comparable tempers, and a host of folks telling me that I was  just stressed out.  Tempers are a given in my family, I always assumed it was the strong German blood lines with some Hungarian and Irish thrown in to add some sparks to our fires.  My sister and both brothers can match me notch for notch in the outbursts, it was all I knew from childhood  on!  But if  only I had listened.

In recent years I stepped across the lines and went beyond what my husband could forgive.  On 2 separate occasions he lost 2 friends.  One died around the time our marriage was  hanging by threads due to indiscretions of Pete’s, things that hurt me deeply and broke my trust in him.  One night I lashed out in anger,  going for his heart, and told him I wished he had died and was rotting in hell like his friend, Tim.  Tim died after suffering burns  when a grill blew up that he was lighting.  I drove a stake into Pete’s heart that time that he was unable to pull out.  Then a little over 2 years ago, a fellow fire fighter, coworker and friend,  perished fighting a fire, and that hit Pete harder than anything I had ever seen affect him.  On 2 different nights,  alcohol induced (a very bad mix with my temper),  while in a rage so intense I didn’t even recall saying it the one time, I made the mistake of  telling him that I wished it had been him, and not Brian, that had died that day.  In those moments I finally drove the knife so deep in his heart that Pete was no longer able to forgive me and love me.  For  the next year and a half he went through the motions, pretending to love me, trying to love me, and unable to do handle it.  What is sad is that during that time a friend made the comment that we were retarded in love with each other, the way he  looked at me and I at him, never could anyone have guessed Pete was putting on an award winning performance,  there was no longer any love there.  So good was his act that I didn’t see it,  in fact I had never been happier, never felt more adored and loved by him as I did during that time.

He told me in tears that he wanted out, on January 8th of this year.  Regardless of what others tell me, and there are many sharing information, that there was another woman near the end, the bottom line is me.  IF in fact he had someone else, which he still says is not the case, it is my fault,  I had killed what was there for me and if  he sought comfort and love else where I have no one to blame.  I have been to the doctor, learned I have a serotonin imbalance.  My brain releases more serotonin than needed, and the cells that should absorb it cannot take it all in, so the releasing cells re-uptake the excess, which they should not do, and this seems to be the root of the problem.   That is where  the intensity comes  in to play.  I take medication that is a re-uptake  inhibitor and that keeps the balance.  I am still angry, but can process the anger  now.  I’m relearning how to react to situations and people, and able to not get fixated on something and just blow off the steam until it is gone.  I’m in control now.

For so many years in his imperfect ways he tried to tell me.  I now give myself permission to forgive ME.  I forgive myself for not hearing him,  for not seeing that there really was a problem,  for not listening to the person closest to me instead of others.  I forgive myself for falling short of that woman he watched sleeping, the one he at one time adored.  I forgive myself for not being perfect  and not being able to be who he needed me to be. For being less  than the mom I could have been.  I forgive myself for not being the one he will grow old with because of my own stubbornness when at some point I could have fixed me.  And I forgive myself for any pain I brought to him, me and our children over all these years when I could have sought help and made things better. I forgive me for my part in what should  have been forever.

This has been a difficult thing to come too, but it is also freeing.  The trunk is now empty again.  It is painful, no doubt about it, facing and forgiving me.  But it is done.  I close the lid, walk to the steps,  reach up and turn off the light….

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Wine & Cheese – 9th Serving

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Carlos Porto / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Every week for Wine & Cheese Wednesday I have decided to devote a blog to whining.  Despite being a really happy, positive person, I do have things that annoy me at times.  I never let anything grate on my nerves for long but thought it would be fun to vent them periodically in my blogs.

I also feel that good things, the cheese in life, should be acknowledged as well.

I’m even going to throw in a bit of dessert, a piece of virtual chocolate, something that made me laugh or smile  just a bit more than normal.

Wine – 9th Glass


Illiterate Drivers

I have a bone to pick with all the lead foot drivers out there, and that likely means many of my readers.  I apologize now if this offends you but at the same time, tough!  I too  have a problem with speed limits…as in I do not always follow them that closely.  You can count on me for 5 to 10 mph over the limit, not usually on purpose just not really paying close attention.  That and most cops I have talked to off the record tell me that they won’t usually ticket those types.  However, IF I come up on a driver that is doing the speed  limit I will not ride their bumper, beep, drive by and flip them off.  THEY are following the law, it is that simple, they can READ the speed limit sign.  Sometimes it is me who you are swearing at, only to find out seconds later that I was aware of the cop doing radar and that is why I am not exceeding the limit.  HA HA HA!  Before you get all worked up, think, maybe there is a reason I am actually going 25 in the 25 mph zone!  Or maybe you are on my niece’s bumper, unaware she is a brand new driver and is trying to follow the rules, something you bitch about any other time, teens failing to follow the rules.  So off her tail, cut her some slack!  If you break the law,  deal with the consequences, and guess what, cops  are supposed to ticket folks that speed, it is their job, so get off their asses if they nail you for speeding.  If someone was speeding and hit your kid you would have a fit cause “where the hell are the cops when you need one, why aren’t they doing something about this speeding problem” but if it is YOU caught going too fast, they should have better things to do like chase ‘real’ criminals.  You can’t have it both ways you big cry baby.  Don’t speed =NO ticket. It isn’t rock science, stop going on radio talk shows complaining!

And when you do encounter someone actually doing the speed  limit,  get off their ass! Don’t beep your horn and flip them off, further proving what a horses behind you are, it may be a new driver!  One of the main reasons teens have accidents is lack of experience and the last thing they need is some jackass pushing them to go faster.  It is called a speed LIMIT.  For those that don’t know what that word means here is a refresher:

From the dictionary:

LIMIT –noun

1.

the final, utmost, or furthest boundary or point as to extent, amount, continuance, procedure, etc.: the limit of his experience; the limit of vision.

2.

a boundary or bound, as of a country, area, or district.
Get it? GOOD now back  off!

Sex Crazed Noise Makers

Cicadas…gotta love ‘em!  Not only the 17 year brood that invades this area in millions, but the others that come out on the in between years that sound like chainsaws gone wild.  Most days I do not mind them, in fact I am the evil bitch that catches them and puts them in places to scare the crap out of those women that hate them.  But some days the noise is just unreal, as they are the loudest known member of the insect world.  Must have been a bunch of horny males the other night, the noise they were putting off was SO loud in trees by our deck that it actually hurt the ears.  Some can reach over 100 decibels when singing their little mating song, talk about desperate for a hook-up!  Look ya little sex maniacs, cool your chirpers a bit! We get that you are wanting a booty call, but we really are growing weary of all the love songs in the leaves.  Damn little winged horn-dogs!

Such A NICE Boy!!

Arvind Balaraman / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I swear I should stop watching the news altogether.  Some dirt bag gets arrested for a crime, like a drug deal gone bad, drive by shooting,  terrorizes his elderly neighbors, or destroys grave markers that are hundreds of years old in a cemetery for ‘fun’.  Then some family member, usually his mama, or a neighbor gets on TV for an interview with a local reporter and says “Oh I just don’t understand this he was such a nice boy.”  Are you kidding me???  NICE boys don’t destroy other people’s property, nice boys do not harass their elders, and nice boys do not have a criminal record that reads more like a resume for a gang member.  Come on mom and aunt Suzy, you raised this piece of crap, you know he has spent more time in jail in his short life than he has in school, and you think he is a nice kid?  This is not a nice person, this is a career jail bird that I am, as a tax payer, footing the bill for his room and board at the grey bar inn known as the county jail or state prison.  He is not nice, he is a loser and if he ends up dead in a ditch somewhere pardon me but I won’t feel bad that it is one less jackass I have to help pay for because somehow everyone thinks society failed HIM instead of accepting HE failed society!

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

CHEESE

Just Because

Nothing like being in the line for the drive-thru to pick up something for lunch, you’ve hunted and found every last nickel in the car, purse and desk drawer so you can get a combo meal.  You pull up to the window to pay and find out the car in front of you, in a random act of kindness, payed for their order AND yours just because.  A total stranger bought your lunch.  THANK YOU to all those that do this sort of thing for some unsuspecting stranger, don’t forget to pay it forward and do it for someone else the next time you are able!

Prince In The Making

Arms loaded with your purchase, you head for the door juggling your bags.  You spot a short little figure running toward the door.  He dashes in front and pushes the store’s door open and holds it, grinning from ear to ear.  Thanks you little Prince Charming in the making, someone is teaching you to be a gentleman, of which the world is far short in its inventory!  You rock, little man!

Rain Man

You don’t know me from Adam, but you’ve seen me day in and day out, entering and leaving the same office building as you.  Don’t know if you took note of the company polo shirt I wear, or if you are in the same hallway as my office, but somehow you know that car out there with the sun roof open and windows an inch down is mine.  I cannot see the window where I sit, but you notice the rain coming and my open car when you go to close your own, so you stopped by my office to pass the warning to me.  You are my hero today, Rain Man, for saving me from riding home tonight with a wet fanny!

DESSERT

Puddle:  what you’re bound to be standing next to when life passes you by.
~ Seen on http://www.twitter.com/Daffynitions

~ * ~ Neat-O With A Splash Of WTF ~ * ~

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This is it, my 100th blog post!!!!

I only just realized the other day that I was close to this number and had no idea what this post should be about. My blog doesn’t fit into any one category very well so I just tell folks it is about life, my life, all from my own perspective.  I decided I would just write about me and my life, things that some may or may not know since my blog page began.  Grab a cup of coffee, get comfy and I’ll share some about me.

I was born and raised in Cincinnati, Ohio, and still call it home.  We traveled a lot when I was growing up and if I count I would say we likely have been in 40 of the 50 states.  Most of that travel was in the form of camping, hence now my idea of camping is a hotel.  My family is from the Price Hill area, and we’ve always been on the west side.  We are all living within about 4 square miles of each other and to my knowledge no one has any plans to leave this area.  I am a huge fan of the Cincinnati Bengals, even though I do think they might be the worst team to ever take the field.  Since their inception my dad was a fan and we grew up Bengals fans.  Good thing we are loyal, and tailgating is all about the food because it sure isn’t about the win column!  I always tell Steelers fans the reason we get so excited is because winning is so uncommon here, where as it is old hat for them so not quite as thrilling if you cheer for Pittsburgh.

I’m 47 years old, oldest of 4, both parents are still alive and until about 13 years ago my grandparents were still living and in great shape mentally and physically.  I get along well with my siblings and their spouses, in fact I would say we are a close knit family.  I have 2 adult children, a 20 year old daughter and 26 year old son.  They are my pride and joy, I am one very proud mama.

I prefer dogs over cats, in fact until my birthday 2 months ago I was a cat hater and felt the only good one was a dead one.  Enter Pixel, an adorable little kitten at 4 to 5 weeks old.  Abandoned in a sewer by her mother, only she and 2 of her brothers survived.  Rescued and bottle fed, and weaned WAY too early in  my opinion, she was a little speck of a thing.  The vet warned me that she would either be exceedingly aloof when it came to human attention, or would bond tightly to me.  She has bonded like glue and is very affectionate for a cat.  I love her to pieces despite my allergies to cats and the fact that she sleeps against my face or wrapped around the top of my head.  She has been like a band-aid to my heart, loving her and caring for her has helped in the healing since separating from my husband.

I was happily married for over 22 years, going on 23 in fact.  However seems Prince Charming wasn’t happy with his Princess and has bailed.  Just prior to the 23rd anniversary we will be officially divorced.  I wanted the final day on the 13th of August, figured end it on the same day it started.  That is not to be, sick humored as it is.

Now I live with my mom, sister, and 2 nieces in 2500 square feet of space.  None of us ever liked quad level homes but then we had never seen one SO spread out, this thing is like a palace.  We nick named it the Diva Den or Princess Palace.  The only males permitted are visitors, even our cats are female.   These ladies have been my primary support through  the divorce and I love them to pieces.  How can you go wrong with folks that refer to the ex as “he who shall not be named” or Lord Voldemort.  Not to worry, it is with some affection, they DO still love him but he hurt me very badly and right now they are more concerned with me.

I am a woman of simple tastes.  While I do so enjoy creature comforts, I am very low maintenance and not into much that is expensive.  I used to take issue with descriptions of my astrological sign being materialistic, until I realized that there are lots of material things that I enjoy that are on the less expensive side.   A good example is chocolate, specifically dark chocolate.  There are many very expensive brands, some from over seas, that I have tried.  I frankly enjoy Nestle Toll House chips right out of the bag, or Hershey Special Dark more than any other that has melted in my mouth.  I admit that Esther Price chocolates are divine, but honestly I am just as happy with a Mounds Bar (especially if it is kept cold).

I can get all dolled up in fancy clothes and high heels and look pretty damn good, but honestly I am far more comfortable in jeans and a hoodie with gym shoes.  Well shoes if I must wear them, I hate shoes and only wear them when necessary.  I prefer thick footie socks to shoes and tend to go through a few dozen pair a year.  Fancy lingerie is nice but really it spends so little time on the body before it is in a heap on the floor, just give me some comfy lounge pants and a tank top, I will be MUCH happier!

Sure, who doesn’t like to go out to eat, let someone else do the cooking and clean up.  But I am really not that enthused about fancy places, just give me Chipotle or some Chinese to go, heck even Burger King some days or a really good Gyro and I am very pleased.  5-stars on the establishment really mean NOTHING to me.  Wines are good, but I know next to nothing about them short of I either like them or I don’t.  No matter how old  or how expensive, if I don’t like it I am simply NOT impressed.  I’m a west side resident of Cincinnati, a redneck to the east siders, just give me a cold beer and I will be so happy. Well several cold ones, let’s aim for delighted.  I’m German, with some Hungarian and a splash of Irish mixed in, we love our beer!

Fancy dinner parties or black tie events, sure I can pull those off but please, a tailgate event or food, friends and beer around a fire pit are where I am most happy and most comfortable.  I enjoy the symphony but honestly the Cincinnati Pops in the park, sitting on a blanket munching goodies with friends is more my style.

In many ways I am most unconventional and have a quirky WTF side to me.  I have 3 tattoos with plans for more, I LOVE getting inked.  My nose is pierced on the side, nothing wild just a tiny diamond.   I used to have the nips and south of the border pierced too but the nips kept migrating (my body rejected them) and I had to remove the other for surgery and it closed up.  Yes getting it all done again, and my belly button, are all under consideration.  I use a temporary spray in pink dye for my hair that washes out each day, usually a light coating all over but sometimes just a section, simply because I LIKE it.

I am not much into watching TV,  few shows hold my interest.  Reality shows are a waste of valuable minutes in my life.  Really, plant cameras around the island and dump the 32 or whatever it is people on the island with nothing.   Each day a boat can show up and if anyone gives up get in it and it leaves. Last one standing is the survivor. Now that I might watch.

renjith krishnan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Music I very much enjoy and my taste is varied.  My  mood will dictate if it is current hits, classic rock, classical, country, 80′s hits etc.  I usually have something playing in the background though sometimes I just like silence.

As far as men are concerned, well I love men!  They are the best at keeping your secrets, with the exception of fire fighters who gossip worse than ANY women I’ve ever met.  Just like their fish tales from the lake, when fire fighters repeat the juicy tale it WILL be added too and grow.  Men on the whole, however, are great.  That said, I will not be out seeking King Charming.  Yes, I said KING, I was married to Prince Charming and found out it isn’t all it is cracked up to be after all so raising the bar, the standard is far higher now.  When a princess marries a king she is then Queen, and it will take a king among men to ever convince me to make an exclusive, life time commitment again.  In other words, it is the stuff of fairy tales and it is NOT going to happen.  My heart is now under secure lock and there is NO key.

A funny thing happens when women announce that they are never going to get into a serious, long term relationship again…men come out of the wood work looking at it as some sort of challenge, believing they will be the exception.  I have had a few marriage proposals, believe it or not, and the divorce isn’t even final.  Again, it is simply NOT happening.  The guys that are all about being friends with benefits have tossed their credentials into the pile for consideration and those applications are still being accepted.  Funny, if a woman announces she is in the market to be married you cannot find a male within 100 miles!  Oh and if you happen to be a Browns, Ravens or Steelers fan, don’t bother applying you will be rejected on the spot! *wink*

dan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I have no idea what the future holds but where I am the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and I am going to keep on coasting down the road of life wherever it takes me.  I may pull off now and then to smell the roses and enjoy the view but I have no plans to cease my travel through life anytime soon.  My goal is to live to at least the ripe old age of 100 before I start considering parking the car, so don’t look for me to cut the engine anytime soon!