Wow, it has been a while since I planted myself in front of the computer to post anything.  Life has just been…confusing.  And in an effort to be more considerate of those I post about, I wasn’t sure what to write that I could openly share.  Yes, I’m engaging the filter that resides between my brain and fingers, rather amazing I know.

We’ll start small and build up to the big stuff.

I just finished reading E L James, Fifty Shades Of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, and Fifty Shades Freed.  All I can said is WOW.  Very intense, page turners full of steamy BDSM and romantic sex scenes that will curl your toes with desire.  You might even discover that you have a dark, hidden curiosity for some seriously kinky stuff in the bedroom.  I loved the series.  I knocked out all 3 books in less than a week, as did my sister and niece as we passed them between us.  It is the most book reading I’ve done in a long time. I needed that, it was total therapy to sit and read.  I love reading, miss my Kindle, but there is still something about an actual book and physically turning pages that I love.

Lately my Facebook feed has been burning up with friends and family talking about Magic Mike.  I had no idea what the heck that was all about but in one evening countless females posted they were headed out in groups to see this movie.  I finally researched it and I fear I may be the only woman that has no desire whatsoever to see this movie.  Male strippers do nothing for me.  And men who spend countless hours of life in the gym body building don’t do a damn thing for me either.  It is one thing to be in good shape, quite another to be obsessed with building up muscle.  Sorry, but all that muscle never did do much for me.  SOME yes, but not all these perfect, hardly-any-body-fat types. Just not my thrill at all.  It is one movie I won’t be wasting my money on or 60+ minutes of my life that I cannot relive doing something far more thrilling.

It looks as if I may be working my way full circle on employment.  I am trying not too but it may require me to return to the fast food industry or office management stuck-behind-a-desk life for just a bit.  I cannot handle the thought of it but I made the dreadful mistake of taking a chunk of money from my business, in bite size yet rapid fire redistribution, and now I have myself in a position where I will need to make that up.  Quickly.  It sucks and it was very bad judgment on my part.  I completely ignored my 6th sense over and over.  I may even lose my current title and down line and have to start all over again, but live and learn.  I will do it just makes me angry.  I’m not at all above asking for help, and right now the more online sales I have the faster I can recover this mess.  Feel free to spread the word, family, friends, readers, and shop MY ONLINE AVON STORE and when you chose direct delivery and pay online, it will greatly assist my salvaging things before it all runs through my fingers completely.

Okay now the big news.  I’m single again.  This time by my own choosing.  It goes without saying, but imagine me not saying something, that I love the Biker, very much.  He pulled me out of my self imposed singlehood and broke down the wall to my heart to make his way in to the garden.  He opened up himself to me and did whatever he thought it would take to show me how much he adores me.  But I realized recently that I’m still very much behind the wall.  Oh he got to see parts of the me inside the protective shell, but not much, and not deep.  I didn’t realize just how closed up I had remained until recently. And the break up really is all about me.  I just cannot handle things right now like I thought I could.  Too many of life’s flaming arrows shot at him to the point where it makes Pompeii look like a backyard BBQ.  My own life is still very much in the repair stages, and as mentioned above I took a huge leap backwards by not listening to my 6th sense, and it was all just too much.  The final straw was dropped on the camel’s back by someone outside of the relationship and I reached my breaking point and have called everything off.

For the first time I am the one that called off a relationship, did the breaking up, and wow I was so not prepared for how to handle when you have to break someone’s heart that you really do love.  But I cannot stay in something that right now is all wrong for me.  Selfish as this sounds, my life is all about ME, it revolves around ME and this time I looked out for me.  I  was losing me again, this time by my own choices and not someone else.  It is a sad place to be when you finally find someone who has the strength of personality to go up against and love someone like me, that adores every quirky part of me, every plump curve, every smile, every tear, every temper tantrum, who can wrap around me and love me back down off the cliff of rage, who loves and cherishes me with every cell of who he is….and it just isn’t right for ME right now.

Did you ever work a large jigsaw puzzle, and think you found that one elusive piece?  It fits so perfectly into that space you just know it is the right one…until you try to fit pieces to the other 3 sides and realize that while it matches completely on one side, it is not a fit at all in the big picture?  That is how it is  with my beloved Biker.   And the hardest thing for me is to realize and accept this piece just isn’t the one that belongs here.  As the puzzle of my life continues to fall into place, piece by piece, perhaps that one will fit in somewhere else to complete the picture?

One never knows…