Tag Archives: love

#4 ~ My Grown Up Christmas List

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4To see the full list click  HERE

#4 ~ My Ex-Husband

This wish is for my ex, Pete.  We were married just under 22 years before the divorce was final.

My wish is 2 fold really.

The first part is that the day will come when he can forgive whatever perceived wrongs he feels I’ve done, and that for the sake of our children we could be around each other in some form of harmony.  I’ve long ago forgiven him for those things I felt he did to me and pray the same may come my way from him.

He is a good man, was a good husband and a fantastic dad.  We were pretty much as close to oil and water as it can get as far as personalities.   I have a multitude of very happy memories from our marriage, and while losing him was incredibly painful, as the song says, “I could have missed the pain, but I’d have to miss the dance” and for all the good memories I have in my heart to treasure, that pain was worth it.

The second part is for his new marriage.  He is getting married next week to a very wonderful woman who is beautiful inside and out.  I really do in all sincerity wish them a very happy, joy filled marriage that lasts the rest of their lives.  I hope and pray (yes really do pray for them) to be showered with many blessings and good things in the years to come.

Sometimes…

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Sometimes…

I’m too gullible.

I give people the benefit of the doubt.

I forgive and let people hurt me again.

I believe people even when I see red flags and holes in the story.

I just want to believe the best about everyone.

I get hurt.

I get my heart broken.

But…

I got to dream for just a while.

I got to enjoy some attention.

I got to believe sweet things about myself.

Some day maybe…

I will accept that if it sounds too good to be true, it very likely is.

Friday Confessional – Auto Correct Arranged Marriages

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Good grief, it’s Friday already?  Guess it is time for confessing all my sins for the week.  Jump on the hop/meme with us by clicking above.  Mamarazzi is on break but clicking the image will land you over at High Heeled Love where the link-up and confessions are taking place.

I confess…
I may have had just a little too much fun with my kids last night.  Not drunken insanity, more like drunk on good times.  My sides and stomach hurt from laughing so hard, its  the most work out my abs have had in…well a while.  My son texted me to see if I wanted to go to dinner with him, his wife and daughter.  I rarely turn down a free meal so I said yes.  He invited his sister along too (Thanks Bubbie, I love when we all spend time together and I don’t see you all enough).  My son is perhaps one of the few that doesn’t raise an eyebrow when mama orders a 32oz draft.  He knows I will take the entire meal to drink it, appetizers included.  Well most of the time.  He’d be the first person to land a second one in front of me.

I confess…
My kids can make me laugh like no one else.  We laughed til my mascara was pretty much cried off my face.  Even when something isn’t really all that amusing, my daughter has the most contagious giggle and laugh.  Sometimes I was laughing at her laughing.  And I confess much of what we were laughing about was  most inappropriate.  Just go to Damn You Auto Correct for examples of what nearly killed me inhaling tortilla  chips.  I couldn’t breathe at times I was laughing so hard.

I confess…
I am considering an ‘arranged’ marriage of sorts next time around.  Hold on, Cinnamon, my spicey friend, and read these 4 articles about romantic love and the science of arranged marriage.  You are probably the one person I know that will ‘get it’ better than others. Article 1 – What Is Romantic Love, Article 2 - How To Make Romantic Love Last Long,  Article 3 – How To Easily Fall Out Of Romantic Love, and Article 4 – The Science Of Arranged Marriages – How Do They Work.  I seriously figured out why my 22 year marriage failed.  Someone didn’t make ME center of his world like I did him.  The incurable flirt that he was, was a recipe for disaster.  But seriously I think the arranged marriage of logic and reason has merit.

I confess…
This FarmVille2 thing has me so buried.  Do yourself a HUGE favor and never ever go there!  Do not click the link and get suckered into playing it.  It is a cult of some sort and I’ve been brain washed into worrying about making cheese, harvesting wheat and envying someone named Walter for his farm, and he and the farm are no more than pixels grouped to LOOK like something cute and real.  The illusion is powerful, the addiction very real.  I need a 12 step program for this.

I confess…
I threw something at my cat this morning.  2 things actually.  I was too wired to sleep last night so I used the lavender oil on a spare pillow case to find the Sandman.  That worked like a charm but I was wide awake far earlier than I wanted to be because my darling little furry one was knocking on the closet door.  She paws at the door with her front paws while standing on the back ones, it sounds a lot like rapid knocking.  Not really loud as much as highly annoying when I am trying to sleep.  I usually let her in the closet to explore when I’m putting on my makeup in the morning because I can keep an eye on her while she is knocking things on the floor (I have a walk in closet with a dresser in there and she enjoys pushing things off the edge and watching them fall).  But I was not about to let her in there unsupervised and certainly not at 6am.  This was supposed to be my sleeping in day.  I finally waded up the pillow case and threw it at her.  She was back 5 minutes later, hell bent on getting in.  I threw my teddy bear next.  Not at her but at the door above her head so it would startle her.  That didn’t work either.   I just gave up and finally went in search of coffee, I know when I’ve lost the match.

I confess…
I am eating peanut butter crackers and drinking a diet coke for breakfast.  Don’t judge it sounded good to me.

I leave you with one of the things that got my daughter into a fit of giggles last night.  She had been on Pinterest and for whatever reason was searching on “Bob Cat” and this is what came up.  She laughed herself into tears that night, and again over dinner when she pulled it up to show her brother.  Scary thing is, I found it nearly as funny as she did.

Plan B Is Taking Shape

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I want to go on record here and say this:  The Biker is a great guy.  Really he is.  A heart of gold that is giving to a fault.  He loved me completely, didn’t try to change who I am, wanted me to soar free and true to myself.  He even encouraged my eccentric side, appreciating my pink hair and desire for more ink.  He loved my passion even when it was in the form of a royal hissy fit, he simply loved me down off the edge.  He did his best to take care of me and my various needs.  But it wasn’t ‘right’ for me.  Don’t get me wrong, I love him, but not that sweep me off my feet, full hearted, kind of love that can stand the fires of trials that will inevitably come along in life.  The love that grows old together in rocking chairs on the porch.  The very last thing I wanted was to break his heart, and not only once but twice now.   I broke it off before but went back.  See, I really do love him and care about him, and tried to make the 2 pieces of the puzzle that are The Biker and The Marvelous One, fit perfectly.  But they don’t.  It is a good thing that we did not get married in July as was the plan at one point.  Had we done  that I’d have made the best of things, holding to my vows and living life trying my best to be what he needed and wanted in a wife.  But I’d never have been  able to love with my whole heart, and that simply is not fair to him.  He deserves a woman that feels about him, the way he feels about me.

This is not the first time someone fell for me pretty much from first sight and then hard as time went by.  Like others he has wanted and loved me from a distance until I was available.  No, not being arrogant, I just am one of those women that men seem to get all wrapped up in, they all  tell me how they just knew I was the one from the first time they see a photo, meet me etc.  They tell me I am amazing, sexy, fun, passionate, full of life, the total package.  Then they all hit the ground running over time, I am a force of nature, very strong in personality and I do not bend easily.  Some call it stubborn, I prefer to call it strong willed.  The ex called it emotional, the Biker called it passionate.  Whatever it is, I’m not an easy woman to love.  The Biker loved me anyway and would have been happy to keep me, but I had to be honest that it just wasn’t there on my side.

So, here I am single and flying free but solo.  And I’m really very okay with that.  Plan B is in place again and unfolding slow and steady, and I feel very good about it.

Part of Plan B is getting my mojo back on my Avon business and staying focused.  The relationship derailed me for a while.  Direct sales can be a lot of work at first and as this is my full time job, I need to actually treat this as a job and work it.  I love what I do and embrace it.  I also am now a representative for SwissJust.  It will be work too.  So working 20-25 hours a week on each means full time in direct sales and  that means I have to focus.

Another part of Plan B is getting back to what  I love…writing!  I have 3 blogs that have been neglected for a while.  Time to blow  the dust off of my laptop and get back to my love of writing.  It takes several hours a week to keep up with them, not to mention my desire to write novels and it is time to get the ideas out of my head and into writing.

My faith has been part of Plan A, but on the back shelf.  Not anymore, it is back on the priority shelf with Plan B.  I’m returning to my bible studies and getting back into women’s bible study on Friday mornings.  Leaning toward returning to my former church again, it isn’t perfect for me but the doctrine is very sound and that matters more than anything else.

Tomorrow evening I start my kick boxing class.  2 nights a week for 1 hour each I will be in class kicking my way to better fitness.  And I will get back to walking again too a few mornings a week.  I NEED to get my weight back down and get in shape.  I’m not getting any younger, in fact I am going to be 50 in the spring, time to do something NOW.

All this activity aside, priority one is my family!  I have a granddaughter now, 7yo and full of energy and giggles.  I have a grandson on the way due around the holidays.  When I’m not doing all this other stuff I am crocheting things for the baby and my granddaughter.

I’m BUSY!!!!!

I’m happy pursuing Plan B right now.  I’m not sure where to fit a relationship into all this that is currently on my schedule.  Dinner and a few beers, sure I can do that.  But I don’t have the time to give to someone, to nurture love and the relationship.  If I felt I was missing out on something right now, that I NEEDED a man in my life, and the right one came along, then I’d adjust accordingly.  But that is the issue, I’m not feeling like I need one.

So, make no mistake, my beloved Biker will always be a very dear friend, and will make some woman a very cherished and adored princess, but it won’t be me.  Being cherished and adored was wonderful, but I cannot give back what is not in my heart to give.  If there is a Mr. Right for me, he’ll find me. Until then, I’m living my Plan B and loving life!

Dancing In The Rain….

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Okay I haven’t done that…yet.  But my Biker knows it is on my lengthy list of things I want to do.  I hate to call it a bucket list, it’s more of a dream list of things to do with my best friend, my lover, my other half, the one that carries my heart in his  hands.  

I know for many it seems we are moving rather quickly toward marriage.  Keep in mind, I’m no stranger to falling in love.  I’ve been married twice and have a number of very serious relationships under my belt.  I’ve been in love, and I’ve been head over heals in love, and I even know what it is like to love heart, soul, body and mind with every cell in me.  That one divorced me.  Go figure.  But once again, I find myself with feelings like that.  Feelings that put someone at the center of my world.  I know, I said it would never happen again.  Never say never.  So what, so twice in my life I will experience a love that transcends all other loves I’ve known.  Only this time it is with a man that doesn’t want to change a single thing about me.

I’m very socially connected.  Wide open book, I check in everywhere on various social media outlets.  I pour my heart and soul out on my blog at times.  He knows this, has set no limits on my doing this.

I love to wear pink streaks in my hair.  He loves it.

Sometimes I may decide to dye my hair a different color.  He encourages it.

I want more tattoos. He is designing them.

I have a temper at times, though much less of one thanks to my meds.  When I lose it, he gets affectionate and kisses, hugs and loves me off the edge of the cliff, all the while thinking I am an adorable little spit fire when I’m pissed off.

I’m loud and obnoxious, he doesn’t mind one bit.

If I flip him off with my middle finger, he doesn’t get pissed or take it as an insult, he grabs me up in a bear hug and says “okay baby, let’s go” and heads for the bedroom.

I’m kind of a freak, he is too and adores my freaky side and my very vanilla side.

He loves ME, wants me to be ME and be free from any cages or boxes.

He thinks  I’m beautiful at my most unattractive moments.

On our recent trip to Alabama last weekend, two  things DID get crossed off that list of dreams/fantasies.  His Navy brother was getting married so we went down for the wedding.  During the outdoor reception, once it was dark, a romantic tune was playing.  He pulled me out of my chair and onto the front lawn, and we slow danced under the stars.  SO much love in those eyes while we danced and he kept touching my face telling me I was beautiful,  it was so sweet and wonderful.  And without giving away details….we made  love in the sunshine on the return trip, still thankful for those remote  locations off the beaten paths that allow for  spontaneous moments to become awesome memories.

Yes, it is life in the fast lane at the moment.  I’m okay with that.  And it has not come without a price.  My son, my oldest child, has cut me from his life.  He drew a line in the sand that he will have nothing to do with me if I’m with a 1%er.  He feels I do not know what I’m doing.  I’ve researched more than he knows, come to find out that even a fellow law enforcement friend of his has a lot of misinformation about this brotherhood my man is a part of, out and out wrong information.  But they will believe what they want to believe, I’m seeing it from another side and see a totally different picture.

I’m not  choosing my Biker over my son.  I’m choosing MY happiness.  I’m about to be 49yo.  I’m no stranger to life and problems, love and  heart break.  I’m no fool, I do my homework.  I judge by the character of the man, not the patch on the vest.  I am not getting any younger.   Life is  there, and I won’t stand outside the fire because it is safe.   Someone has come along that makes me HAPPY.   He loves me for ME,  not who he  can change me to be.  He is honest, real,  has a heart of  gold and while he is a bad boy, he is a very very good man.  He loves his Lord, loves his brotherhood, takes care of  those in the world that need help, and he loves me.  I’m choosing to be the center of someone’s world.

I want to dance, with my Biker, in the rain, as his wife.

Who, What, Where, When, Why, How

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I’m in a funk.

I know, but trust me us eternal optimists hit a funk now and then despite all the silver linings we can find.

Just happens once in a while.  I’ll snap out of it.

I think it is associated with the purging, the breakup, and the end of the year.

Looking back at this time last year, I was in a relationship with Mr. Wonderful.  He really did help me grow and see myself in a better light than I had since being told that my marriage had reached its expiration date.  It was the second time in life our paths had crossed, and that time we let things unfold and discovered the feelings we suspected were there years earlier still there and very real.  And completely wrong as he belonged to another. His story is just tragic and sad to me.  I hope he is able to break free and enjoy life and just be happy.  But that will require him getting out of a loveless marriage that has been that way for oh so many years.  We’ve remained good friends and still talk now and then, encourage each other’s walk and faith.

This is my second year in the past 24, that I’m celebrating Christmas without Ebenezer Scrooge.   22 years of being married to the partner of Jacob Marley could put a little black rain cloud over the holidays.  While the Count turned out to be the Grinch, all is good and I won’t let it get me down for Christmas.  Once again we’ve got the house all decorated, and it looks beautiful.  Fire in the fireplace, relaxing and enjoying this time as a family.  Time before 2 Divas will go out of here and we’ll be down to us three older chicks.  One is moving out after the holidays, and one enlisted in the Marines and will head off to basic in July.  Yep, in a  year the landscape of your life does change, often dramatically. Next year the youngest Diva will be away from home with the Marines and not here with us.

In the past year my heart was held by 3 men, and all of them managed to break it.  One because we didn’t mean to have things go from friends to lovers but it did, and he (Mr. Wonderful) was not free to pursue us.  And I didn’t know that at the time, that important  piece was never shared I discovered it on my own.  The Superhero never meant  to break it, the timing was just wrong.  Again, good friend that I dearly love and knows all he  has to do is call and I’m there to drink a few and hang out.  And then there is the Count.  That one is a just a big ass mystery to me to go from planning the future to nothing over night.  And now the gift I was working on for him for Christmas is sitting in the bag in my closet, partially completed and I haven’t the desire to finish it.  My hook and yarn are therapy for me, and there is great love and many prayers that go into every stitch of anything I make for another person.  There is no joy in that bag now, just a reminder of what isn’t to be.  My Camelot didn’t work out so well, King Arthur let me down.  I should just finish it for me, but it wasn’t supposed to be for me!  Or maybe finish it and mail it to him since it was specifically for him and I sure don’t want it.  *sigh*

Sir Lancelot and a number of other knights have let me know of their interest, but Guinevere just isn’t sure.  Oh there is a desire to try again, but my heart just isn’t ready, not yet.  Then again life is short.  Decisions…..what to do?

Then there is the Avon vs. childcare.  I’m down to one baby during the day, and an 8yo before and after school.  I will have a friend’s 2 but just one day a week to give her a day a week for herself while hubby is deployed and she finishes school.  In the summer I won’t have them, just during the school year.  So..take on a few more kids or really dive in to Avon and try to get things up where I need them?  Hard choice really.  Avon would pay off in the long run, but in the short term my son is getting married in 3 months and mama needs to cough up half of the money for the rehearsal dinner and a dress.  Babysitting full time and working Avon at night and on weekends is the safer choice but doesn’t leave me much ME time at all.  ARGH!

I know, the funk will pass and I’ll figure it all out as I go, just like I always do.

But still…in the funk at the moment, and just feeling kinda BLAH.

When I’m Deep Inside My Shell

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~*~

Your circumstances don’t DEFINE you, but REFINE you..turning the ashes of your past into the diamonds of your future. ~ The Single Woman

~*~

More than one friend has been a bit concerned about the fact that I’m all closed up inside my protective shell right now after the break-up of my most recent relationship, one in which we were getting pretty serious.  We had been talking about the future, and not all that distant of one either.  His dream businesses, my dream careers (yeah I have two) and how those would work together.  There was talk of my needing to get used to having my picture taken if I was going to be a member of the family, and enjoy camping and caving.  And then suddenly, literally over night, it is all gone.  The dreams of the future have once again been shattered.

I put on my happy, brave mask, and said “It’s all good”.   Reality is it is NOT all good, I’m hurting.  I loved the dreams we shared, our goals and hopes.  I very much loved him, his family, especially the grandsons.  I enjoyed every minute we spent together, even camping which anyone who knows me knows that it took a lot for me to go on that little trip.  I was already counting down the days until next year’s Halloween family camp out, I really enjoyed it.  So yes, I’m hurting inside.

In my typical fashion I am handling this by closing my shell and retreating inside myself.  But this is how I heal, and folks need to not worry about me.  This is not just a time of healing, it is a time of growth and change, inwardly at my core and good always comes from it.

Think of it like an oyster.  An oyster shell  grows right along with the oyster.  In order for the shell to grow, an organ within the shell, the mantel, uses the minerals from the food the oyster consumes to produce the shell.  Pearls come from oysters, and are made when a foreign substance makes its way inside and gets between the oyster’s shell and mantel, not unlike getting a splinter.  The mantel of the oyster shell will cover that irritant in layers of nacre, which is the substance the mantel produces that lines the inside of the shell.  As each layer is applied it slowly becomes a pearl.  The most valuable pearls are those that are nice and round in shape.  This is because most do not turn out perfectly round, instead they are uneven in shape and are called baroque pearls.

My heart is a lot like an oyster.  It has a nice, hard protective shell around it, and on as needed basis I have made the shell thicker, layer by layer.  It is how I protect myself from future pain.  Once in a while I let someone inside that shell, to hold my heart.  But when they hurt me, and shatters my dreams, a sliver of the dream is left piercing my heart.  It is like that foreign substance that invades an oyster, my heart begins to cover that irritant in healing layers.  With each layer that is applied, I learn more about me, and I grow a little more to be a better person.  Pearls take a long time to be produced, and the pearls that make up who I am take time too.  Good always comes from the pain, but not immediately.  I need time to mull it over, work through it, figure out where, if at all, I went wrong, examine myself to see if there is a flaw in my character that needs to be adjusted and letting go of the love and the one who caused the pain.  In the end, when I again allow someone to open my shell, there they find a treasure.  Some of those pearls they find are the baroque gems, things about me that still need improvement, others are perfectly round, smooth stones.  All are beautiful and when strung together make up the person I am. 

Part of that healing is to turn to the bible, God’s word and the food of my soul.  It lifts me up, nourishes me, encourages me, teaches me, and helps to heal my broken heart.  It too surrounds those shards of shattered dreams in layers of Divine healing and wisdom, helping with the process to mold this clay vessel into the work of art I am meant to be.

This time is no different.  Inside me right now, under the cover of my shell, the splintered piece of my love for the Count and the dreams we shared, is being covered in layers as I go through the process of letting go.  The next person that is fortunate enough to open my shell and hold my heart, will find a wealth of pearls made from heartaches, loss, difficult lessons learned through painful times, each one now a valuable gem strung together to make the person I am today.

Hopefully the next person treats my heart like the fragile and priceless treasure it is, and knows what a privilege it is to hold in their hands, and will protect it rather than break it.

~*~

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.  ~ Hermann Hesse

~*~

The Single Girl And The Silver Lining

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Face it, singles…we have a pretty sweet life. We have ROOM to be who we want to be and to see what we wanna see. It’s not that difficult to find the silver lining in our situation. ~ The Single Woman

I was reading one of my favorite bloggers, The Single Woman, today, and that jumped out at me.  As I find myself yet again single, it is at times easy to be envious of those that have a significant other to spend the holidays with, especially as it is my very favorite time of the year.  Or to dream, build a business and relationship with, a life for two.   Her blog post today was more about singles that had yet to be married and have kids, that struggle with having so many friends that are marrying, pregnant or new parents. For me, it is at the other end of the spectrum that I reside.

I’ve been married, twice now.  I don’t really count the first marriage that much as it only lasted a few years and other than my wonderful son and the fantastic step-daughter I had during those years, there really is nothing good about that one.  My second marriage ended nearly 2 years ago, the divorce final 16 months ago.  That one I have to count, it was just short of 22 years long and for the most part I think full of good memories.  I will take the ex-husband at his words that it was 90% good.  I think it is accurate, though he is correct it was 10% bad.  And that bad isn’t all my fault or my temper, we had a lot of very difficult hurdles to over come, many related to his health throughout and that impacted us financially.  I have a gorgeous daughter, inside and out, as a result of my long marriage.  So, I’ve done the marriage and dirty diapers thing, and have the best kids a mom could ask for that are all grown up and one even getting married in a few months.  No envy for that portion of life, I feel my cup over flows there.

My envy is the lack of someone to hold me when I cry, to walk the beaches with, go to the Festival Of Lights with to see all the lights at the zoo, to snuggle with and watch TV.  I had it 3  times now since the marriage ended, and each time very much loved the men I was involved with, Mr. Wonderful, The Superhero and The Count.  Sadly each ended and really there was nothing wrong on either side, it simply didn’t work.  Unfortunately the heart gets some cracks and even broken pretty badly as a result.  But that is another blog for another day this week.

Being single at 48 isn’t really that bad, in fact in looking for the silver lining, it pretty much rocks!  And as envious as I am of those in relationships and marriages, I know that The Single Woman is correct, many attached females look sideways at me with jealousy too.

The Silver Lining Of Being Single:

  • I get  to make my own decisions without having to consider how the outcome will impact others.
  • I wear the perfume I like, not what ‘he’ likes.
  • I get the whole bed to myself.
  • If I need to snuggle at night, I have a teddy bear, and he has never been unkind, spoken harshly, argued with me or hurt my feelings.
  • Chick flicks are a given.
  • I don’t have to wrap my schedule around anyone elses.
  • I can dye my hair any color I want without worrying about someone not finding me as attractive.
  • Same goes for ‘littering’ my body with ink, only one that has to approve or like my new tattoo is me.
  • I can sleep and snore like a freight train without a nudge, elbow to the back etc.
  • I don’t have to listen to anyone else snoring, Teddy doesn’t snore and neither does my cat.
  • My cat is always happy to see me, even with muck mouth in the morning.
  • I don’t need  to clear purchases with anyone, the money is all mine to do with as I see fit.
  • I can be who I want to be, not try to adapt to who I am needed to be for someone else.
  • No one says “I told you so” if I mess up something I wanted to try.
  • I don’t have to split the holidays with someone else’s family, I get to enjoy mine every holiday.
  • I can flirt, unashamed, with the cute mechanic working on my car.
  • I can accept a dinner date or drink, and share a hot passionate kiss with that cute UPS guy.

The list could go on forever.  Certainly I had a long list when married or in a relationship that made singles jealous, but now I’m single and I can see that I have a pretty green pasture over here on this side of the fence too.  And as The  Single Woman said, “Anyone can get married.  Not just anybody can be fabulous.”   Not that one needs to be single to be so, but I am pretty darn fabulous.

Shelving 2011 ~ Box 14

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I follow The Single Woman and that is where I was inspired to come up with this year ending purging from my life. The first post (Life’s Changing Landscape: Shelving 2011) covers the how/why, the rest will be the 31 things I am shelving from 2011 that will not go with me into the new year, the full list of posts pertaining to what I’m purging can be found here: Shelving 2011.

Box 14 

As my lucky number is 13, this had to wait for a different number.  I also had to hold to see if there was to be any change in things.  I texted Steve, aka – The Count, last night before I went to sleep.  I asked if in fact I am to assume it is finished.  Nothing.  12 hours have passed, I know he got up and went to work so he saw it on his phone.  Nothing.  I did my crying myself to sleep (thank you Anew eye cream for hiding the  puffy eyes in the mornings), and  I’m done.  I cannot change what is and after re-reading my Pros and Cons post I realize that just because I love the man, it isn’t enough to stick around and hope to be thrown a crumb now and then.  It takes more than love to keep a relationship going, and he either can’t, won’t, or doesn’t want too.

While it was, in my opinion just a break down in communication, and was over something so small and ridiculous as a Facebook post that offended him, that is a symptom of the bigger issue.  The issue is that evidentially his feelings for me were not strong enough to be committed at the level mine were.  I cannot fault him for that.  It is either there or it isn’t.  I won’t chase anyone, if their love isn’t freely given without condition, then it isn’t really love and it certainly isn’t worth having.  There are entirely too many men out there more than willing to love me, unconditionally, that have made it very well known they are smitten.

I won’t box up the little gifts, those are special and hold special memories of good times together.  There are no hard  feelings on my part, just a very large crack in my heart.  It will heal.  I’m just thankful that it only took 5 months and not 5 years to come to this, when my heart would have been more deeply rooted in him, making the break even more difficult.

The Count – boxed and being left behind in 2011.

Monday Memos ~ From Aboard The Ark

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Okay slight exaggeration but it IS raining, dreary and wet here.  Every creek I passed was up to the top, ready to spill over it’s banks and rushing and churning.

As much as 5 inches of rain fell last night…in other words TOO much.

Thankfully it seems to have stopped raining.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Dear Count,

Thank you for another fantastic day.  I love history and historical places.  Touring a WWII Navy ship was indeed a neat way to spend a day.  I enjoyed the knowledge you shared from your own 8 years of experience in the Navy.  Every minute I spend with you is a treasure, you always make me feel very special. I’m looking forward to going back to Aurora next weekend to tour the mansion.

Love,

Me

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Dear Son,

I love you bunches, and nothing would be more relaxing than sitting around the fire pit with you, your fiance, your little sister and some beer.  However, not sure dear old daddy is ready to have me in his backyard hanging with the kids. Face it, I will need to use the bathroom at some point and I don’t think he is real comfy with me being in his house when he is not there. It is a respect thing so for now let’s not push his comfort zone.  But thanks for inviting me, that alone made me warm inside. You’re the best!

Love,

Mom

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Dear Colts,

I get that a huge part of your offense was Peyton Manning. But really, the team is far more than him.  Nice job keeping the score from being a complete humiliation at the hands of the Steelers, but let’s pull this together and get serious, time for a win.

Sincerely,

A new fan

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Dear Bengals,

tough luck….NOT!  Was not at all sorry to see you lose yesterday.

A former fan

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Dear Writer’s Block,

Take a hike already!  I NEED the therapy of writing and you are not helping me one bit.  Be gone, go plug up someone else’s creative channels for a bit.

Me

Monday Memos

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I am SO tired today, but don’t get me wrong, zero complaints just stating the fact.

Friday night was the Delhi Skirt Game, and the Pink Avon Divas of district 4156 were there raffling off goodies.  It was hot and sticky but we did get enough of a breeze to keep it bearable.  It also did not hurt that my honey was there, working with us and keeping my heart a flutter and making me smile every time he looked in my eyes.  I was on cloud 13 (my lucky number cloud) all evening.  I swear I am the single, luckiest woman.  I thought these kind of men were the figment of romance author’s imaginations, I had no idea they really exist!  He is everything I have ever dreamed of in a man and more.  He has my complete love and respect.

Saturday morning I had to work a rummage sale, but Saturday late afternoon through Sunday night belonged to my king.  Yes, king, the standard is far higher than a prince could ever hope to achieve.  He took me away for a night of all romance and candle light, it was wonderful.  He has my heart, I have his, and I’m believing in happily ever after again.  :)

I am SO tired today.  I was  in bed roaming through dreamland at 10pm, with a brief storm interruption, but still had such a hard time pulling myself out of bed today. If I get enough coffee in me no telling what I might write about later, but for  now,  on to Monday Memos, as the Meet Me On Monday meme seems to be on a break for now:

Dear One Who Holds My Heart,

Thank you for such a wonderful weekend.  I love  you.

Dear Self,

Maybe being up so late then up so early so many days  in a row is not the smartest  of schedules?  Oh well, charity events are worth it.

Dear Heart,

Who knew fairy tales could indeed come true, that love can be amazing, and that there really are men who  exceed the level of prince charming and are true kings when it  comes to love.  It seems happily ever after is possible after all.  I’d suggest continued caution but you are  so far beyond that and he has your heart wrapped around his already.  Soak it up but always remember to return it to him 10 fold. He is so worth it.

Dear 2 year  old,

Miss Marti will always win the battle of the wills, she is the most stubborn person you will ever encounter in your life, trust me.  I told you so, sweet, adorable little boy.  Miss Marti – 1, 2yo – 0.  I  love you little Mr. Man, thanks for finally seeing it my way.

Dear Farmville,

I hate you, you evil addiction.  My crops are withered again, my animals are all waiting and the trees are ripe.  I’m hooked on a bunch of pixels.  Ugh.

Dear Pixel Kitten,

I am sorry mama stayed away over night again, please forgive me that you had to sleep alone IF you chose to come sleep with me at all (we both know this is not all that frequent any longer).  I do have a life apart from you, my adorable cat, you’ll survive without me now and  then.  Oh, and the king of my heart? Yes, he hates cats.  Behave so I can convince him that you will be apart of the royal family when we move into the castle.

Dear Larry Flynt,

You are scum of the earth and may there be a special place in hell for you, attempting to profit off the death of a beautiful child.

Dear Jeff Ruby,

Bravo for  O’Jaying Mr. Flynt, may your profits soar through the ceiling, and may there be a special place in heaven for you.

The Dating Diaries ~ Love Grows In My Garden

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The garden gate opens now all on it’s own, it recognizes The Count and welcomes him inside the walls that protect my heart.  He brings with him a warmth when he enters here, a feeling of peace and harmony.  Little by little, he is exploring every inch of the landscape, getting to know everything that grows here or has  once been within the walls.  While we’ve glanced  across  to the area that is burned and damaged, he doesn’t push for more than I am ready to give up.  Already love is sowing healing seeds and new growth is starting on the other side.  With every day the painful memories of the past slip further away under the sprouting new flowers there, and in some  strange way my past tears are now fertilizing the soil that is bringing forth the new life.

I knew when I met the former prince, before I even knew his name, that he was someone I was supposed love and marry.  This time, I had only a photo, voice and a lot of communication on texts and the phone with The  Count, but inside something was stirring to life.  The first time I looked into his eyes I knew that feeling again.  Destiny was sitting in front of me, all I had to do was let it take me by the hand and lead me.  When he reached out and took my hand, continuing to see into my eyes and my heart and soul, we both knew.  There was no denying it.  When he searched inside of me, he didn’t push, and I didn’t deny him what he wanted to see.  He has gone where  only one other person dared to look, but that one was not mine, and I was not his.  For a long time I did not grasp why, but now I know…because Mr. Wonderful was not my destiny, The Count is.

From that first meeting, in the first few moments, there hasn’t been any singular in our discussions. It has been all about us, we, our….we’re like 2 puzzle pieces that fit so perfectly together.  The longer we are together the less of the seam that separates us can be seen even to us.  His life dream and mine fit together so very well.  Completely different, yet so perfectly suited to compliment each.  When we envision those dreams, we see each other in there, have since the first moment.  He is a very strong personality, with the softest of hearts.

I needed a man who could match or exceed the strength of my personality, there is no questioning he is that one.  Yet he is tender, and loving and wants to make me happy.  He knows my dark secrets, I know his.  We both accept the other completely: the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful.  Neither of is looking for perfect, we both want someone perfectly imperfect.  I’m reading the book that was mentioned once by Chuck, Love and Respect – by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs,  and see where the former prince and I went wrong, some of the situations described could be right out of our 22 years, down to the very words used in scenarios.  It won’t happen again, I simply won’t allow it.  I  know where I went wrong, where he was wrong, and how to not let that happen this time around.

“Go slow” is the intent, but it is hard.  We both know we need time to figure it all out, but we’re both in and committed.  My dating profiles have been removed, I have no desire to see anyone else, I found him.  Or maybe better said, he found me.  One flirt on a dating site has led to the start of what WILL be an amazing life as we work together to make our dreams come true.

The Other Side Of The Rainbow

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I wondered many times how long it would take for the searing pain in my heart to not only diminish but simply be gone.  That pain that began when the former prince told me he wanted a divorce, and I realized he wasn’t changing his mind.  That was a pain like nothing else I have felt.  It would increase when I saw things he would post on his Facebook page,  snide remarks, or others would post.  Everyone knew it was about me.  It would also increase when I found out he was dating someone.  His ‘present’, the moving forward with his life, was still my future.  It took a long time for my heart to be ready to let go of him.  Oh I still love him, always will, but one day my heart finally moved out of that harbor where I’d have taken him back again, that ship has sailed.

There were still times when seeing him would cause a day or two of agony, then it would pass and life would go on.  Passing him on the road, or seeing him in the bay when I passed the fire house, even just seeing his van there, would bring up old feelings and hurt.  I avoided passing the fire houses if it meant going far out of my way to get around the township.

Little by little the hurt decreased, and bothered me less and less.  Yesterday, for the first time, I discovered it was completely gone.  I was out with my daughter, taking her to lunch then running an errand.  I came to an intersection, and there at the opposite stop sign was the former prince on  his motorcycle, with his new girlfriend in my old spot on the back.  I braced myself inwardly for the flood of misery and jealousy…and it didn’t come.  Instead I waved as we passed, and he waved too (talk about a random awkward moment) and then I found myself thinking “good job, Piere, she is very pretty, and just like you like ‘em, very thin”.  Only thing she isn’t, that was always was a part of his ‘dream girl’, she is a blond and not brunette.  Go figure!  It has been a long time since I had seen a big smile on his face, and it was good to see him smiling and happy again.  He always did have a great, Tom Cruise kinda shit eating grin.  I felt a very foreign feeling toward him…real, honest joy for his life.

I have spent the past evening and morning trying to figure out exactly why that old, familiar torment had vanished and was replaced with good feelings for him.  Is it because I have found someone special that thinks the world of me?  Someone I’m having those “if we, I need, I want” conversations with as we look toward a possible future together?  Is it the power of forgiveness for perceived wrongs and prayers for rather than against him?  Or is it that my heart has finally healed and scarred over.  Maybe it is all of that…

…whatever it is, I’ve finally arrived on the other side of the rainbow!

Living Or Existing?

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I’m taking part in Cinful  Cinnamon’s Monday Me Hop, and chose  this question to respond to today:

What is the difference between living and existing?

I tend to see existing as dreaming but never doing anything to make our dreams come true. Staying in a safe, comfortable zone or place so we don’t lose anything, hurt, or suffer.

Living requires taking chances, DOING something, taking the vision from our head and heart and turning it into a reality.

Existing – walking past the bakery, smelling those wonderful pastries and wishing you had one.
Living – going in and actually buying a pastry and slowly savoring every mouthful!

Existing – wishing you were 20 pounds lighter while lamenting that your favorite jeans no longer fit.
Living – getting up off your butt and going for a walk every single day, making those 20 pounds vanish.

Existing – wishing you had more  money to do more things.
Living – Finding a way to make it happen, through a second or a better job.

Existing – wishing for your relationship to be the love of your life.
Living – deciding it IS the love of your life and making it such.

Existing – watching the roller coaster of life safely from the sidelines with  your heart locked down so you aren’t hurt, never taking chances on anything that might not work.
Living – buying your ticket and getting on the roller coaster and feeling all the ups and downs that make it exciting!

Standing Outside The Fire ~ Garth Brooks

We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk it the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always come with getting burned

But you got to be tough when consumed by desire
‘Cause it’s not enough just to stand outside the fire
We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all

They’re so hell bent on giving, walking a wire
Convinced it’s not living if you stand outside the fire

Chorus:
Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried it is merely survived
If you’re standing outside the fire

There’s this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can’t abide standing outside the fire

Repeat Chorus(twice)

~ Garth Brooks ~

The Marvelous, Secret Garden, Part 1 ~ By Romeo

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A new reader, who wishes to remain anonymous,  began reading my blog (most every entry I’ve every written, I might add), he penned the following and sent it to me.  I found it so insightful I wanted to share it:

I know that you put up a tough exterior to protect yourself/heart, but do also stick up for yourself, no one’s doormat.  But when it comes down to it, you’re soft as butter, and you should be, just like me.

I imagined your secret garden, the place with the high wall that no one can see in unless you unlock the gate. I know what I can see from the outside. Lush green ivy covers the walls, but the heavy wood gate made of thick timbers and solid wrought iron hinges is nicely trimmed around. I hear water within, I imagine a babbling brook with a bench under a shade tree where on can sit and rest. I hear a multitude of birds chirping, and every now and then a butterfly will stray high enough that the multi-colored wings can be glimsped from out here. I suppose there is also a rolling valley of far green, low rising hill that seem to go on forever as though reflected in two opposing mirrors.

Because you have that tough exterior, your secret garden is that much more beautiful. It grows wild to give it’s love and affection that you hold back, and so dear and close. I wonder where the key is to this gate? I’ll keep searching for that answer……

~ Romeo

I  cannot tell him where the keys to the gate are, as I myself do not have them.  From what I have  learned, there are a few floating around, and those that possess them are unaware it is in their hands until they hear the hinges creaking and they are allowed inside.  One, Mr. Wonderful, treasured  his key, used it  to enter and has sat on the bench under the tree, he knows my secret garden very well.  The other, the Superhero, opened the gate  and stepped just inside my walls but opted to go no further.  I prefer to think it was just too much for him to take in at the time.  Sadly, one man, Prince Charming, if he had a key, never bothered to use it.  His key no longer works in the lock on the gate to the garden.  Seems the magic is only good for a time, so if it is not used periodically, the magic fades and eventually the key is useless.

I look forward to seeing who else possesses a magic key to the gate of my garden.  One day, someone will not only open the  gate and enter, but will find their home in the garden, opting to stay and help tend it and enjoy it’s beauty, and will lock the gate from the inside, rendering all other keys useless.

My Life Through P!NK Lyrics ~ Glitter In The Air

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I think this song is just beautiful!  I’ve experienced this kind of  love that made me feel this way, and I want it again.  But it wasn’t with my ex, that was something different I cannot explain, not sure anymore it was even love.

I think it is entirely possible to have this sort of love I feel in this song, more than once, the kind that is felt in your soul.  I certainly hope so, as I’d hate to think it was a one time thing,  as I was touched so gently it did make me cry, not just through the finger tips in the physical, but mind to mind, soul to soul, heart to heart, where he touched inner me with such care it took my breath away. In many ways he was as stranger and I did invite him inside to know the me that is so rarely even glimpsed by the world, and with the right man the invitation will be extended again, after my trust builds up in him enough to risk the potential pain of it not lasting.   It is precious when two people can do that.

Thank you, Mr. Wonderful, for restoring my belief in fairy tales, you will forever be precious to me.

“Glitter In The Air”

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted?
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, “I just don’t care”?

It’s only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
The breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
You’re whole life waiting on the ring to prove you’re not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It’s only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

La La La La La La La La

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee,
Calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight?
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?
Tonight

A Long Forgotten Note….

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It wasn’t all that long ago…just this past December.  I was preparing my heart to return to church after about a 5 or 6 year hiatus, the prodigal child was going back home where she knew she belonged.  I had met with my friend, Jane, for dinner at Chipotle.   She contacted me after a blog post of mine mentioned her, one of very few times her son followed a link on my Facebook page and read something I wrote.  He showed it to her,  she contacted me and we met.  It was a hard meeting at first for me, the past slammed into me, the pain of all those years of missing my beloved friend and sister in Christ.  She  encouraged me to come back to my home, back to my church family, and suggested some passages to read in my Bible.

I opened my old, trusted friend, turning pages and looking through the countless little pieces of paper and photos I have stuffed in the flap under the cover on either end.  Lots of sweet memories there to be found.  I started paging through to the chapter I had promised to read every night until Sunday morning, when I would return to my church home.  The pages fell open where a note was stuck between them.  It was a white, heart shaped piece of paper, just small enough to fit inside without folding.  Edged in pink and red flowers, it was from a once special pad of paper we used to write each other little notes.  I recognized the hand writing…it made my heart stop.  Before I could stop myself I read the words….

Doll,

It didn’t rain, YIPPIE!!!

Make a grocery list, see you later,

I Love You,

PC

I felt as if I had been punched in the  stomach, and realized I was crying as tears dripped down on to the piece of paper.  See, he called me ‘Doll’, I called him ‘Prince Charming’, or PC for short.  He was happy it hadn’t rained so he could go mow his many accounts that were over due from so much rain that spring.  It was a note he  had written to me, after we had hit a major bump and went through counseling, and were so much in love again…

The note was from about 6 years prior to that moment I sat reading it again, a moment 4 months after our divorce was final.

I realized then just how much I still loved him, and how much it still hurt.

Like our marriage, the note has been disposed of…tossed in a trash can,  hopeful that some of the pain would go with it.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

REMINDER: last day to enter the give away for the anti-bacterial hand gels!!! No catch, no purchase, just go and enter up to 3 times as instructed in the give away!

Coffee & Cupcakes

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Coffee – the life blood of this Diva.  I likely drink far more than I should but I wouldn’t  consider facing the day without it!

Cupcakes – small portions  of something delicious, CAKE!  Sugar, fat, calories…YUM!

My brain is powered by the coffee as I write and the cupcakes in this case are small servings of a variety of things on my mind.  Cute, I know ;)

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

 

If you came looking for a particular post from yesterday – it’s been removed, by me, by request.  I’m really not so bullheaded, I just want to be treated kindly, and with respect. And when someone approaches me in said manner, I can be very reasonable.  Push me, I push back.  Talk shitty to me, you will get it return (haven’t got that darn turn the other check thing down real good), but mature, kind and considerate dialog usually gets through even my thick skull.  Flies…win more with honey than vinegar they say! :)

Had a great evening last night!  Very sweet first meeting, good food, EXCEPTIONAL company and conversation.  More on that in the Dating Diaries later.

1pm and here I sit still in my jammies, sipping coffee and just finished a cinnamon Pop-Tart, listening to P!NK and writing.  Lazy, but great morning.  Don’t judge, I didn’t get to sleep until after 3am, had a lot on my mind, all good.  I am finally hearing the stirrings of the other Divas too, guess the Diva Den is coming alive.  Better late than never!

I really had hoped to ride today with my best friend.  Sadly it is raining so that idea is nixed.  A week in review over Mexican and margaritas may have to fill in the space where the wind would be blowing in our hair while we talk.   Ah well, it IS the company that matters, not the activity.  :)

There are a bunch of things in my head for upcoming posts on self worth, dating, love, moms and step moms….my poor brain is rolling in so many directions, and I have post-it notes all over the top of my desk full of thoughts for them all.  Going to be writing a LOT.  Though one post will be about my own dilemma to continue blogging or bail out now.  Much to purge!

But for now, a shower and getting dressed is in order or I’ll be showing up for my week in review dinner in my jammie pants and a hot pink sport bra (great visual, add massive bed head, mascara smeared under my eyes and you have one sexy look!).