Tag Archives: Lord

My One Word – Narrowing It Down

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myonewordI have participated in a growing movement to forget about New Year’s resolutions, and instead pick one word that will be the focus of my year.  The idea being that focusing on that area will bring about good things in all areas as it spreads.  I picked SEEK the year before last, then JOY this past year.  SEEK God was the focus, then finding the JOY in all things.

I was going about it just fine but this year decided to not only check out the website but to also read the book.  It has been a life changer already and it is only the 3rd of January.

My word was harder to pick, as there are so many areas of my life that need change, improvement or just to find a way out of the door of my life altogether.  The book has been very helpful in narrowing things down.  I was down to just 4 words, all of these words would have an impact on my life if they were chosen as my ONE WORD for 2013:

KNOW – as in really get to know my Savior through God’s Word in extensive study.

REFLECT – as in reflecting Christ in my life every day as if I am the mirror that reflects Him to the world around me.

APPLY – apply the Word of God in all areas of my life.

SURRENDER – as in yielding, surrendering all areas of my life to Christ.  While I do not care for the whole “WWJD”, maybe more in line of what would Christ have me to do.  Based on scripture and not my ‘gut’ feel.  And praying through things before making choices and decisions.  Surrender my thoughts, actions, Sunday mornings…everything to the Lord.  This word will encompass the others as time goes on, so it was the clear choice.

sur·ren·der

[suh-ren-der]

verb (used with object)

1. to yield (something) to the possession or power of another; deliver up possession of on demand or under duress: to surrender the fort to the enemy; to surrender the stolen goods to the police.

2. to give (oneself) up, as to the police.

3. to give (oneself) up to some influence, course, emotion, etc.: He surrendered himself to a life of hardship.

4. to give up, abandon, or relinquish (comfort, hope, etc.).

5. to yield or resign (an office, privilege, etc.) in favor of another.

verb (used without object)

6. to give oneself up, as into the power of another; submit or yield.

The word will be in front of me all year…taped to my dashboard, as my bookmark in my bible (maybe several as I’m all over in there), anywhere I might come across it or the need for it, I will have it in front of me to remind me to focus on that word and what it entails.  It will set the tone for my year, be at the heart of much of my writing for this blog this year, but more importantly it will help me to grow in my walk and faith with my Savior, Jesus Christ.

In addition, I’ve taken the “30 day challenge” I’ve heard on K-LOVE, and I am listening to only Christian music for this month.  Again, it is already impacting my thoughts and mood.  Guess that whole “garbage in (to the brain) = garbage out” could be true.  I catch myself  little more when using less than appropriate language, when a negative or unkind thought goes through my brain, etc.  The music and songs may lack sound theology, but they are positive and encouraging, as K-LOVE often uses as their slogan.

#7, #8, #9 ~ My Grown Up Christmas List

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7 8 9To see the full list click  HERE

First, let me apologize for having to put 3 together in one post.  I’ve been sick and just not feeling up to sitting down and actually engaging  my brain into a post.  Thanks to the visit to the clinic, I’m good!

#7 ~ My Friend, Cowboy

Long time readers will recall this was a man I was going to marry.  Things changed, but we are still the very best of friends.  In fact we text and talk daily and sometimes multiple times a day.  He is one of my best cheer leaders to encourage me, and I certainly hope I am one of his.

As with all the men I’ve become serious with in my life, he is one of those I believe I was meant to help fix broken pieces of their hearts and souls, but not a forever love.  Friends but not meant to be lovers and spouses.

This time of year is often very hard on those that have shattered memories.  So for Cowboy I wish for a special Christmas this year, complete with a Christmas angel.  A renewed, inner child-like spirit of the holidays that sees it all through the eyes of innocence.   For some happy memories to be made this Christmas.  For fences to be mended wherever possible, and for the love of the Lord and the joy of the Lord to be his strength.  I believe in miracles and I wish several to come his way this Christmas season.

#8 ~ My Daughter-in-Law

As her pregnancy is winding down to the end she is doing all of those last minute things around their new house to be ready when my grandson arrives.  She is swelling a bit in hands and feet and I know she is starting to get tired. I pray for peace in her heart and spirit,  lots of good solid rest leading up to the delivery.  I pray God’s angels will watch over her and my granddaughter when my son is at work, and over him while he is working, bringing him home safely to his family each day.  And for an easy, complication free delivery and a very healthy mom and baby Collin.

I’m so thankful for her and her beautiful, spunky daughter that have been added to my family, giving me the new title of grandma.

#9 ~ For My Car

I really need my car to be right now, it has been fixed for multiple issues this year.  I need it to be reliable so I can get too and from school the next 2 weeks, and then to and from my job that I will be starting in January, Lord willing.  I need it to also keep my Avon business going.  I had to let that slide for a while without a car to drive.  I really appreciate any and all prayers to this effect so that I can accomplish these things and get myself back on track financially.   I have many bills that need catching up and then back on a regular payment schedule.

#6 ~ My Grown Up Christmas List

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6To see the full list click  HERE

#6 ~ My Education Pursuit 

My wish is that this material will come easily to me, and that I can get through the next 2 weeks without issues.  I need this certification and I think I am a good fit for the job and type of work it will allow me to pursue.

I wish for nothing to get in the way of my going and getting my needed education.

 

#5 ~ My Grown Up Christmas List

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#5 ~ My Brothers

I  love my brothers.  Both are amazing men, and great fathers to their children.  Both have good hearts, and both have made some mistakes in life.  But both have done their best to fix any wrongs and make them right.

Baby brother has a birthday tomorrow.  I still remember coming downstairs to see what St. Nick  brought us to find out my mom was at the hospital having him, and shortly after that learning I had another brother.

My other brother, younger than me, has a big event coming soon in his life as well, one that makes me very happy for him.

I wish them both all the happiness in this world, and love and blessings.

Family is the most important thing a person has on this earth, Grandpa Fred always told me that.

People are human.

People make mistakes.

People sometimes can be in so much pain already that they can find the demon under every rock, even if it only looks like it is there.

And sometimes people purposely set a stage to make others think there is a demon when there isn’t even a rock.

My prayer is for communication, forgiveness where it is needed, and understanding to see the truth.

I love you both with all my heart.

#4 ~ My Grown Up Christmas List

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#4 ~ My Ex-Husband

This wish is for my ex, Pete.  We were married just under 22 years before the divorce was final.

My wish is 2 fold really.

The first part is that the day will come when he can forgive whatever perceived wrongs he feels I’ve done, and that for the sake of our children we could be around each other in some form of harmony.  I’ve long ago forgiven him for those things I felt he did to me and pray the same may come my way from him.

He is a good man, was a good husband and a fantastic dad.  We were pretty much as close to oil and water as it can get as far as personalities.   I have a multitude of very happy memories from our marriage, and while losing him was incredibly painful, as the song says, “I could have missed the pain, but I’d have to miss the dance” and for all the good memories I have in my heart to treasure, that pain was worth it.

The second part is for his new marriage.  He is getting married next week to a very wonderful woman who is beautiful inside and out.  I really do in all sincerity wish them a very happy, joy filled marriage that lasts the rest of their lives.  I hope and pray (yes really do pray for them) to be showered with many blessings and good things in the years to come.

# 3 ~ My Grown Up Christmas List

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3To see the full list click  HERE

#3 ~ My Daughter

This wish is all about my baby girl.

I wish for her faith in God to grow from the seeds planted in her heart as she grew up in a loving church family, and that she would learn from the mistakes she saw her parents make, keeping instead her focus on the Lord.  I pray she develops a strong love for God’s Word, and finds time for it each day.

I wish for her to find a man who is strong in character, morals and loyalty.  One who will love her faithfully, be a good father to her children, and be a man of God.  A strong believer with a solid faith who will love her as scripture says he should, putting her ahead of himself.

I wish for her all the little boys she so very much wants for children, and that they too would have a faith that is strong and unwavering, and grow up to be her pride and joy, as she and her brother are mine.

I wish for her to have a home full of love and laughter, and enough critters to keep her animal loving side happy and content.

And like her big brother, I wish for her, “just enough”.

Seen as part of a post on another day, entitled “Just Enough”. Author unknown.

“I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.

I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.“

- Author Unknown

Lessons In Brokenness

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angels-falling-broken-feathersToday was the first Sunday of December, which means at church it was the day to celebrate the Lord’s supper, communion.

I had gone over the things from Pastor’s email, and spent time praying during the service, and there were things I needed to confess.

In my heart I carry a root of bitterness toward my soon to be former sister-in-law.  I won’t go into details other than to say that I see her as a very evil, manipulative person.  But the Lord put it on my heart while praying about things I needed to confess, that I need to forgive her for  the perceived wrongs toward me, and pray for her daily.

During that time of prayer, thinking on the fact that Christ died for my sins…and then it hit me.  He died on that cross over 2000 years ago for my sins…sins that had yet to be committed!  Mine and everyone elses, yes, but MINE.  Sins of a woman that had never even been born!  Sins that would not be committed until nearly 2000 years later!  He died to cover the sins of all of His sheep, and those sins, so many were yet to be committed because those sinners were not even to be born for a long time to come.  How unimaginably incredible that weight must have been!  I cannot begin to wrap my head around this!

How could I not want to fall on my face and serve the Lord, the One who paid for my sins thousands of years before I’d ever walk this earth?  Sins I had not yet lived to commit?  The love the Lord Jesus has for His people is not something to be comprehended, that He was willing to die such a horrible death, suffering like we cannot begin to imagine under the weight of sins He knew would occur but were yet to happen?  It is beyond my ability to begin to understand.  Any parent understands they would take a bullet for a child…but can we imagine dying for a child or person who was thousands of years in the future???  No, we cannot.

While  in Sunday School, a passage came up that really made me think, especially during communion:

Isaiah 55

New King James Version (NKJV)

An Invitation to Abundant Life

55 “Ho! Everyone who thirsts,
Come to the waters;
And you who have no money,
Come, buy and eat.
Yes, come, buy wine and milk
Without money and without price.
2 Why do you spend money for what is not bread,
And your wages for what does not satisfy?
Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good,
And let your soul delight itself in abundance.
3 Incline your ear, and come to Me.
Hear, and your soul shall live;
And I will make an everlasting covenant with you—

It really made me stop and think…What IS my focus on?  What is it I “buy” with my time and efforts?  It isn’t that it is wrong to work hard to achieve my goals, but which areas of my life are taking the priority?  My study in the Word of God? My walk with Christ?  Or is it still all about me, and things of this world that won’t last?  I need to prioritize my life, really focus on the things that last, delight in the Lord’s abundance first, then the rest of my life will take shape according to His plan for me.  I can pursue my dreams, but pray for what His will, for where I should go and trust that those paths will open up if they are His plan for my life and how I can best serve Him.

I’m thankful that I’m broken, or I’d never have returned to my Father in Heaven, the prodigal daughter, the broken angel in need of Him.

#2 ~ My Grown Up Christmas List 2012

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#2 – My Son & His Family

My second wish on my list is for my son and his family.

For his beautiful wife and he to have a love that lasts their lifetime, with “Just Enough” and be faithful and loving to each other always.

For his beautiful little girl, who to him is every bit as much his as his soon to be son.  For her to grow up to be a Proverbs 31 woman one day, who has a heart that desires to serve the Lord.

For his son, who is due to arrive this month, may he be born healthy and strong, and that he will grow up to be a man of God, and make his parents proud.

May all their lives be full of “just enough”, always.

Seen as part of a post on another day, entitled “Just Enough”. Author unknown.

“I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.

I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.“

- Author Unknown

#1 ~ My Grown Up Christmas List 2012

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1My list is not something Santa can handle.  As you will see as the days unfold, my grown up Christmas List is far more in the hands of God than anyone else.  Some is directed toward individuals with hopes and prayers, and love will be at the core of most everything.  Always love, and sometimes forgiveness.

This is one of the few things I wish just for myself.

# 1 – My Walk & Faith 

For my on going walk with the Lord.

Time daily in the Word, studying and reading.

Time in prayer daily.

For my unbelief, that the Lord would help my unbelief.

For my church attendance to be more consistent that I might grow in my relationships with others of common belief.

For ongoing grace that is so undeserved.

That my claim of belief and faith in Christ, would be mirrored in my life.

“Professing that we are connected to Christ in salvation carries with it an obligation to back up that verbal claim with a lifestyle that mirrors the character of Christ” ~ Larry E. McCall – Walking Like Jesus Did

1 John 2:5-6

New King James Version (NKJV)

5 But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him. By this we know that we are in Him. 6 He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked.

I know the lifestyle I was living prior to my divorce was anything but mirroring Christ.  The past nearly 3 years I’ve struggled to stay on the path, easily led back toward a ‘me’ centered life.  So the very first, and most important wish on my list is that my walk of faith, my everyday lifestyle, the me that no one sees as well as the one that is seen, would all be evident of the faith that is growing in my heart.

Musical Monday

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I expressed my frustration that started my morning earlier in my 5th Day of Thankfulness post.  With SO much going on in my life, this song really is a blessing all on its own.

My mom’s appendix cancer came back, for the 3rd time she went under the knife for this, and now she is going through radiation and chemo.

My financial life is just derailed to say the least of it, my business isn’t where I need it, I just have SO much I’m working through while trying to keep my focus where I know it  needs to be.

This song is SO timely right now, perfect for me to share here.  As I’m rocky in my walk and push to stay on the path.

Lyrics:
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel you near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if each promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win, we know
That pain reminds this hearts,
That this is not, this is not our home…..
It’s not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

What if my greatest disappointments,
Or the aching of this life,
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy.
What if trials of this life,
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?

Peppermint Coffee Musings

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Peppermint coffee.  Gotta love it.  And my diffuser filling the air in my room with soothing scents of pure lavender oil, and 31 oil.  Mind and heart full of good ‘food’ from church this morning, both the Sunday School lesson and the worship sermon were great.  I’m listening to Twila Paris’s album Perennial.  Some of my very favorite hymns on are there, like Be Thou My Vision and Amazing Grace.   Her voice is so beautiful.  And the words of the songs beyond  description for me at times.  Also listening to a beautiful CD of  music from Fernando Ortega, The Shadow Of Your Wings, it is one  my friend Janie gave me when I first returned to church 2 years ago.  I need to share with her how much that has meant over the past 2 years.  The songs and hymns on it are in somewhat different arrangements than what you might traditionally hear in church.  And they have helped me many times to quiet my spirit and prepare my heart to pray, read God’s Word, or head out to worship services.

The lesson this morning was really good and spoke to me in Sunday School.  One thing that stood out was that we need to be very careful what we desire, as we just might get it and all that goes with it, good and bad.  And that what we sow we reap, no question about that.  Some call it karma, or “what goes around, comes around”.  I prefer to stick with what I know as a believer, God handles vengeance.

Psalm 7:14-16

New Living Translation (NLT)

14 The wicked conceive evil;
    they are pregnant with trouble
    and give birth to lies.
15 They dig a deep pit to trap others,
    then fall into it themselves.
16 The trouble they make for others backfires on them.
    The violence they plan falls on their own heads.

That is one really good passage, and here was another:

Proverbs 5:21-23

New Living Translation (NLT)

21 For the Lord sees clearly what a man does,
    examining every path he takes.
22 An evil man is held captive by his own sins;
    they are ropes that catch and hold him.
23 He will die for lack of self-control;
    he will be lost because of his great foolishness.

Dave pointed out, that if you sow seeds of corn in a field, you will reap corn as that is what grows from corn seeds.  If you sow beans, likewise.  And if you sow trouble, you will reap that too.  Gossip, slander, unkindness, sin….sow those seeds and that is what you will reap in return.

The trouble  with seeds is they are tiny at first.  You drop a tiny seed no bigger than a corn kernel into the soil, and a full blown corn stalk grows up with many ears filled with many more kernels of corn.  Now, think about when you plow trouble and plant seeds of iniquity, like sow gossip seeds, seeds of strife, or other seeds that are not things that will reap blessings, they reap what was sown/planted, in abundance.  That tiny seed will grow into a large plant and produce far more than you bargained.  This happened in my past.  Yes, if you go to the search section of my blogs and search the word “swinger” or “lifestyle” you will get back several posts.  I make no pretense that this is somehow a secret, I was a swinger.  And I did photos that were not good, and my kids know.  My church family knows, my friends and family all know about it.   I don’t hide these  things because others might learn from my mistakes.  It was not a good time in my life that I’m not proud of.  But it IS part of who I am today.  It goes hand in hand with the song lyrics I posted yesterday.  I will not deny the worst you can say about me, if it is true.  But I’m not the sum of my mistakes and sin.  It is in my past.  The consequences will at times  be far reaching, but that is not who I am anymore.

Now, I try hard to sow the seeds of good things.  If it isn’t nice, I just try not to say it all, and pray about the thought behind what I considered saying.  I’m not perfect, but it IS the goal I strive for now.  And I pray for those that find it necessary to sow unkindness toward me.  Letting go and not being upset by what is said about me is far easier when I do what God says and just pray for them.

Matthew 5:43-48
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. …

We are not responsible for what others do, only in how we respond.

Matthew 12:36

36 But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment.

I am opting for a Christ like response.  Those that talk, tweet, Facebook or verbalize unkind things about others, will one day have to give an account for that.  And I will give one for my reaction.  My reaction now is to pray for that individual(s) every day.  I sleep solid at night because my conscience is clear, my heart isn’t full of bitterness and hatred any longer.

Coloring Outside The Lines – How It Began

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Sin never seems to just burst through the door waving a flag, blowing on a bugle and screaming “COME ON FOLLOW ME!”  Instead it creeps in slowly, at least in a believer’s life.  Like David on the roof top, maybe we look just a little too long, or take a second glance.  Someone flirts and we flirt back.  Someone gossips or speaks ill of someone, and instead of shutting it down by changing the subject or walking away we join in and make an unkind remark.  Someone tries to provoke us and instead of praying for our enemies as God commands, and loving them as His Word instructs, we poke back.  Maybe we reason away that one drink won’t hurt anything when we know we might have a problem controlling our alcohol intake.

Regardless of what it is, we let it slip in through a crack that forms in our foundation.  That crack happens when we take our eyes off the Lord, when we start letting other things come between us and prayer time, study time, and gathering with other Christians.  Maybe it is a TV show, or a football game, staying up late and over sleeping on Sunday morning.  Whatever it is we allow things to start taking priority in our lives.  In and of themselves they are not bad or wrong things, but we let them come before what is most important.  And anything that we put ahead of the Lord is an idol.  Over time we hold that up, giving it attention when something else should be getting our attention.  The crack starts there.

What begins as a hairline crack, nearly undetectable at first, starts to grow in length and width.  Not fast, mind you.  It takes time.  We start to notice short comings in others because if we are focused on them and their behavior, we are not focused so much on our own.  We become disgruntled, the crack grows more.  Dirty water from around the foundation begins to seep in through the crack.  Just a drop here and there, but then bigger drops, and more of them, until it is a tiny stream.

The bible says in James 1:12-15:

12 Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. 13 Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone. 14 But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. 15 Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.

We’re first tempted, when we let our desires seep in through the cracks.  We are enticed by fantasies and dreams, and we begin to breathe life into them, verbalizing and sharing them.  As time goes by they grow and become more prominent in our speech.  Before long those desires conceive and give birth to sin.  We act upon the desires and fantasies, and the crack breaks open more and sin is born.

That is exactly how it happened.  Time, events, “life” got in the way of what was important.  Little by little, we let more and more things become more important than being at church.  And the fantasies began to be voiced, talked about, used to entice and excite.  In time they were acted upon and we began to lead 2 lives, one that on the surface looked like we were good, church going, bible believing Christians.  The other was kept in secret and away from the eyes of friends and family.  We made new “friends” that helped us to justify what we were doing.  Consenting adults, it wasn’t sin if we both were in agreement.

The first clue that something is a sin might be the ‘secret’ part.  When you have to hide it, there is a reason.  Cheating on your spouse usually starts out with secrets…texts, flirts, emails, conversations, meeting up for drinks or lunch, things you do when your significant other is not around.  Things you would never do in front of them with their full knowledge because it is WRONG and you know darn well what their reaction would be.  If you cannot share it with the church family, or your blood family because they would ‘judge’ your actions as wrong, then maybe you need to be thinking again.  Hidden things, secret things, things that could cost you your position in the church, damage your testimony and/or reputation, cost you your marriage….yes those things are not okay, or you would not be hiding them.

We justified that they would not understand, even tried to convince ourselves that God never intended for us to be monogamous because after all, He made us with these desires and as long as we go home each time with our spouse at the end of the night or party, then it is okay.  If it was we wouldn’t have been hiding what we were doing.  I believe deep down we both knew very well what we were doing was completely wrong and sinful.  But oh the fun, the parties, the open mindedness.  Sharing intimacy wasn’t really my  thing, that was the other half’s joy.  But I enjoyed the parties, dressing inappropriately sexy and embracing the knowledge that I was sexy, desirable and so many men wanted me.  Sure, that was indeed a draw, but what I really wanted more than anything was for my spouse to feel that way about me, and me ONLY.  But I walked into this with him and saw no real way out.  Instead of shutting down those fantasies when they first came up, I put him on the pedestal and tried my best to be what I believed he wanted.  I am just as guilty as he is for where we went.  I could have prayed for him, steered things gently away from the sinful desires, but I opted to feed the flames.  I put my husband’s desires and happiness ahead of the Lord, I actually made him my idol.  I carried things entirely too far from his being my hero and center of my world, when I should have had his spiritual health, the state of his soul as my major concern.  Instead of praying, I added to the temptation.  I ate from the forbidden fruit through the images I’d verbally weave and handed the fruit off to him.

Let my coloring book stand as a warning.  We cannot allow even the smallest temptation to cross over into our lives.  Once we let just the smallest sin in, it takes over and grows.  I have no idea who said it, but I’ll stop tonight with this thought, as it is so very true:

Sin  will take you further than you want  to go.  It will keep you longer than you want to stay.  And it will cost you more than you want to pay.

God’s Amazing Timing

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For weeks I’ve felt a tug at this prodigal heart to return to church.  And not just any church but the church family I knew and loved in the past. The one that has prayed for me and my ex husband since we walked away years ago. The same loving faith family that welcomed me back almost 2 years ago, before I ran away again.  That same family that once again welcomes me with open arms and tears, and prayers.  Oh how they have been praying and waiting for God to bring me back on track.  Thankfully they never seem to give up.

I had started a Kay Arthur study a few weeks back, Lord, Only You Can Change Me, and also started reading again the book Dan gave me last time, The Way Back To God, Psalm 51 by Clarence Sexton.  Awesome stuff, both of them.  I actually considered working through 3 of Kay’s studies, the other two are Lord, Heal My Hurts and Lord, Give Me A Heart For You but I’m one  woman with a limited amount of hours in a day.  24, just like you.  So I figured it best to stick to those and get in them in depth and take my time chewing on each lesson.  I’m so glad I did, it’s been life changing stuff all over again. These helped me to open my heart again to focus on my faith.

Wednesday evening I went to the midweek service, which was the home groups that meet once a month.  They are starting a new book, Walking Like Jesus Did; Studies In The Character Of Christ.  I also attended the  women’s bible study Friday, and they are just kicking off, this time in Unit 3 of a great study called Gospel Transformation.  

Interesting to me how many new things are starting just as I return.  And all are things I NEED more than I ever realized.  God’s timing is so perfect.

During the past few weeks I’ve really struggled with ME.  My “it’s all about ME” attitude, the idea that my world revolves around me and “if you don’t like it take a hike” line of thinking.  PRIDE much? Yes, I know.  And then my prayer of late, “Lord I believe, help my unbelief”.  I heard that many times over in bible  study Friday, and it is nice to know that while I was away from being fed, my sisters in Christ all struggle daily with many of the same things I do.  When the ladies were doing a quick  review of the last unit and what had touched them in it and unit 1, something stuck out to me regarding the whole “ME” complex I have had.  Idolatry.

The book says, “An idol is anything we believe we need, apart from Jesus, to make us happy, satisfied, or fulfilled.  An idol arises when we desire something more than we desire Jesus; when we fear things rather than God; when we worship ourselves rather than Christ; when we put our trust in anything other than God; when we serve anything other than Jesus.”  The book provides some areas of fear, trust and desire that may be idols to us.  All I can say is wow.  SO many areas that I could check off either in a direct or indirect way.  It is suffice to say that ME has to get bumped aside.  I  know this, knew it weeks ago, and I have to do away with my self centered thinking.  But first comes the root of this ME idol.  That root would be pain.  The pain I still carry around and even cling too, of my divorce.  I am not so sure that I wanted to hurt, as that it is just familiar, like my teddy bear, so I can hold it.  Do I still feel I was wronged? Certainly. But what does it matter? It is done, over and I needed to let it go.  Forgiveness didn’t come easy, but in the past few weeks I truly was able to just let it go and accept the healing that comes from God and not anything of myself.

Before I made the journey back last week, I knew it was not about me anymore. It was about Christ and my walk with Him.  This time when I went it didn’t just feel like ‘home’, this time it felt like I had never left.  I realized at one point that I had to remind myself I had been away a long time, because it felt as if I had never left there and had just been there last week.  And while  kids have grown up and there are been changes to people, so much still felt the same, as if there had been no absence for me.  That was when I realized that I am right where I belong.  And as I sat there, taking it all in, wearing my Harley Davidson long sleeved, v-neck shirt and jeans, with my wild, bleached blond hair, I knew that I can still be me, who I am.  I don’t need to lose the person God created, that Marti is who she is because she was fearfully and wonderfully made.  God doesn’t want me to not be an individual, He wants me to be HIS individual.

I Color Outside Of The Lines

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I am an oldest child.  My poor parents cut their parenting teeth on me, and survived not only me but 3 more offspring.  They did well though, no one ended up in jail and we’re all pretty responsible members of society.  At  least we fake that part well most of the time :)

I have always been one that is a tad different, maybe even eccentric at times.  I tend to think out side of the box, dance to the beat of an odd drummer, and I color outside of the lines.  All this is a good thing, or can be, if I keep it under the lens of a biblical perspective.  On the simplest of terms, what would Jesus do.  I am not overly fond of that WWJD thing but it works for now.  Perhaps it would be better said, what would a daughter or son of the Most High do, what is the most Christ like, God honoring thing to do?   I love jewelry that is crowns, but not because I think I’m the self-appointed queen of anything.  I love crowns because they remind me that I’m the daughter of the King of the Universe, and that one day every crown I’ve earned will be cast lovingly at the feet of my Savior in heaven.  I wear a cross necklace not to tell everyone around me that I’m a believer (my behavior should do that), but so that when I see it in the mirror, I am reminded to look closely and be sure my reflection is mirroring my Lord and Savior.

Nearly 2 years ago I returned to my home church briefly.  It seemed like a good idea at the time, and it was but I let too much get in the way of it being the life line.  Part of issue I had was that when I went back expecting things to be as I left them, and they were not.  When we left it was “Pete and Marti with the party”.  When I returned it was a solo,  emotionally and spiritually battered mess.  I left and it was various friends, one couple in particular.  I returned and our former best buds were divorced and it was him alone in the pew with his kids.  Other members had left, and there were many new faces.  Then as I was trying to regain my spiritual footing in the midst of feeling judged (my heart issue), a former friend turned enemy decided to send my pastor an email making sure the church knew that they had a wretched sinner among them.  She, claiming to be a born again, God-fearing believer herself, wanted to be certain it was known that I was a former swinger, and that I had ‘attacked’ her on twitter.  It rocked the boat for me just too much.  The wounds of losing my husband in a divorce, the former dear friend turned enemy, the attempts to smear and attack (not to worry they already knew about where I had been), I was unstable and just didn’t last long there before going all lone ranger Christian.  How did that work out for me? Not so good as you can well imagine.

Here I am now, just 2 months shy of the 2 year mark of trying to return, but this time I went back ready.  I am prepared for the storm of judgment and attacks that may or may never come my way, either from others there, others in my life, or that former friend who herself is neck deep still in that swinger lifestyle.  My heart is very aware of where it needs to be each Sunday.  I’m back to being in God’s Word every day, or that is the goal.  I openly admit I miss one now and then but most days it is the case and I’m in the middle of some good bible studies that help too in reaffirming my faith.  This time I’m prepared to stick it out, because I’m not here for anyone by me and the Lord.  I’m there to worship Him, and be fed.  Anyone having an issue with my past, or how I dress, or my wild, bleach blond hair, well that is their issue not mine.  That is between them and God to deal with, not me.

Sadly, when one lives a life of coloring outside of the lines, they leave themselves open for other people to judge.  Okay even those that color meticulously inside of the lines also are objects of others scrutiny.  Anytime you are different from those around you that is just human nature to pick it apart.  Different draws attention.  But different is not always a bad thing.

I dare to be the line pusher, rule breaker and that can be both bad and good.  I have always colored outside of the lines, but not always in a good way.  When we sin we color outside of the clear lines set down by the Lord in His precious Word.  That is a big mistake.  It causes damage, it is sin, and sin always has consequences.  But when I stay within God’s lines, yet color outside of man’s lines? Well that can be a good thing.

I’m going to be doing a series of posts about coloring outside of the lines.  Some will be about my journey off the path and into the pig pen, some will be about my journey back home as a prodigal daughter.  Both are really one big picture of coloring outside of the lines.  But maybe, just maybe, when I’m done, you can see that it isn’t always a sin when the color goes past the boundary, sometimes it can be a beautiful picture if you stand back and look with an open mind.

Reaping What We Sow

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Today was the perfect day for me to return to my church home.  Not because it is just a beautiful day weather wise, or because I was awake before the alarm clock sounded.  Not even because, though I was blocked in I managed to get out of the driveway.  This day was perfect because God is perfect and so many things fell into place that I am confident today was meant to be my once again return to church.

It actually began last night when I was listening to some messages online from another church I had been considering trying out for a home place to worship.  The messages are in a series titled, “Unpopular”.  I totally understand why that is too, because there is nothing warm and fuzzy about the messages that were preached over the summer at White Water Christian Church.

The first message was about how it isn’t all about me.  The second on sexual morality.  Mind you I know this, but it was still a bit of a sting.  In choosing a place to return too for worship and being fed I’ve been more concerned about me and far less about doctrine and teaching, and that Christ is glorified above all else.  My heart attitude has been pretty selfish.  I want what I want as far as music for the services, attitudes in others toward me, church on my terms.  Well that isn’t how it works if I want to be taught something solid.  We’re to be imitators of Christ, and that means it cannot be all about me.

In my life I have spent many years justifying things.  First through the swinger years but that is another post, then through being single and feeling that it was okay to have sex with the guys I was dating.  I heard my own words echo back in the sermon message last night, “I know it’s wrong but what am I supposed to do, deny myself????”  Well yes, yes that is exactly what I am to do. Christ denied Himself, came to earth as a man and died.  We are in fact to deny ourselves, imitate Christ, pick up our crosses and walk.  God’s word is not known for its grey areas.  Certainly there are things it does not address, but it isn’t hard to figure out what the right answers would be in relation to God’s word.  Sex outside of marriage isn’t a grey area.  Adultery is pretty specific too.

If it’s about Christ, as my life should be, then it isn’t about me.

If He is in control, I’m not.

If He is God, I am not.

“He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.” ~ Jim Elliot

“Attitude reflects leadership” – Remember The Titans

What does my attitude say about who leads my life?

I went out of here ready for church, with my car blocked in by my niece.  My fault, I didn’t think of it last night so I could get my car in last or put it on the street.  So, determined that I was going, I drove through the lawn to the neighbor’s driveway to leave.    Sunday school was in the book of Judges.  While it spoke to me, and was good for me to hear, it was more about what was to come.  The service really got under  my skin and down into my heart.  From the  opening chorus, then hymn, the reception of a new member (mostly her testimony), the scripture reading  which was Psalm 1 (below) and then the hymn, When Trials Come which is SO good that I’m including the video from Youtube and you should watch and listen, the beat picks up and it’s a beautiful hymn, and  then finally the message from Pastor.  His message was from Galatians 6:7-8.  This was entirely too timely given the messages I heard last night.

Galatians 6:7-8

New King James Version (NKJV)

7 Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. 8 For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life.

WOW do I know the truth of that passage.  For years was a lifestyle that sowed seeds of sin with each fantasy, encounter, etc. and we reaped sin in return.  The final reaping being the end of the marriage.  The consequences were high.  When we attended church we were a better couple, when we started sowing seeds of wrong doing in a sinful field, we fell apart.  That lifestyle was all about self, desires, appetite and little or no thought for God.  The end result was corruption.

But now, my desire is to sow not to my flesh but to the Spirit.  Good seeds so what grows in my life is good.  Not an easy task but then in Christ I can do anything.

I had someone recently tell me basically good luck finding a man, even a professing believer, willing to wait til marriage for sex.   My thought…if he IS a believer he will desire to wait as well.  If not then obviously he is not the one for me.  If I never find him, then I was meant for single life.  There is no grey area.

Psalm 1

New King James Version (NKJV)

The Way of the Righteous and the End of the Ungodly

1 Blessed is the man
Who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly,
Nor stands in the path of sinners,
Nor sits in the seat of the scornful;
2 But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
And in His law he meditates day and night.
3 He shall be like a tree
Planted by the rivers of water,
That brings forth its fruit in its season,
Whose leaf also shall not wither;
And whatever he does shall prosper.

4 The ungodly are not so,
But are like the chaff which the wind drives away.
5 Therefore the ungodly shall not stand in the judgment,
Nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous.

6 For the Lord knows the way of the righteous,
But the way of the ungodly shall perish.

Dancing In The Rain….

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Okay I haven’t done that…yet.  But my Biker knows it is on my lengthy list of things I want to do.  I hate to call it a bucket list, it’s more of a dream list of things to do with my best friend, my lover, my other half, the one that carries my heart in his  hands.  

I know for many it seems we are moving rather quickly toward marriage.  Keep in mind, I’m no stranger to falling in love.  I’ve been married twice and have a number of very serious relationships under my belt.  I’ve been in love, and I’ve been head over heals in love, and I even know what it is like to love heart, soul, body and mind with every cell in me.  That one divorced me.  Go figure.  But once again, I find myself with feelings like that.  Feelings that put someone at the center of my world.  I know, I said it would never happen again.  Never say never.  So what, so twice in my life I will experience a love that transcends all other loves I’ve known.  Only this time it is with a man that doesn’t want to change a single thing about me.

I’m very socially connected.  Wide open book, I check in everywhere on various social media outlets.  I pour my heart and soul out on my blog at times.  He knows this, has set no limits on my doing this.

I love to wear pink streaks in my hair.  He loves it.

Sometimes I may decide to dye my hair a different color.  He encourages it.

I want more tattoos. He is designing them.

I have a temper at times, though much less of one thanks to my meds.  When I lose it, he gets affectionate and kisses, hugs and loves me off the edge of the cliff, all the while thinking I am an adorable little spit fire when I’m pissed off.

I’m loud and obnoxious, he doesn’t mind one bit.

If I flip him off with my middle finger, he doesn’t get pissed or take it as an insult, he grabs me up in a bear hug and says “okay baby, let’s go” and heads for the bedroom.

I’m kind of a freak, he is too and adores my freaky side and my very vanilla side.

He loves ME, wants me to be ME and be free from any cages or boxes.

He thinks  I’m beautiful at my most unattractive moments.

On our recent trip to Alabama last weekend, two  things DID get crossed off that list of dreams/fantasies.  His Navy brother was getting married so we went down for the wedding.  During the outdoor reception, once it was dark, a romantic tune was playing.  He pulled me out of my chair and onto the front lawn, and we slow danced under the stars.  SO much love in those eyes while we danced and he kept touching my face telling me I was beautiful,  it was so sweet and wonderful.  And without giving away details….we made  love in the sunshine on the return trip, still thankful for those remote  locations off the beaten paths that allow for  spontaneous moments to become awesome memories.

Yes, it is life in the fast lane at the moment.  I’m okay with that.  And it has not come without a price.  My son, my oldest child, has cut me from his life.  He drew a line in the sand that he will have nothing to do with me if I’m with a 1%er.  He feels I do not know what I’m doing.  I’ve researched more than he knows, come to find out that even a fellow law enforcement friend of his has a lot of misinformation about this brotherhood my man is a part of, out and out wrong information.  But they will believe what they want to believe, I’m seeing it from another side and see a totally different picture.

I’m not  choosing my Biker over my son.  I’m choosing MY happiness.  I’m about to be 49yo.  I’m no stranger to life and problems, love and  heart break.  I’m no fool, I do my homework.  I judge by the character of the man, not the patch on the vest.  I am not getting any younger.   Life is  there, and I won’t stand outside the fire because it is safe.   Someone has come along that makes me HAPPY.   He loves me for ME,  not who he  can change me to be.  He is honest, real,  has a heart of  gold and while he is a bad boy, he is a very very good man.  He loves his Lord, loves his brotherhood, takes care of  those in the world that need help, and he loves me.  I’m choosing to be the center of someone’s world.

I want to dance, with my Biker, in the rain, as his wife.

The Dating Diaries ~ Of Judging Others

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Things have progressed fast and furious with The Biker.  It’s what happens when you put together a hurricane of a man with a tornado of a  woman.  But it’s like when you stick two negative numbers together you get a positive, a concept I simply do not grasp.  The two titanic size personalities we possess make for quite the equal match.

He is very intelligent, articulate and creative.  This Navy vet has raised his hand and served his country 4 times.  He is patriotic to a fault.  And his heart carries a thousand scars to match the  ones he has from serving his beloved country.  As I mentioned before, he is the most generous person, giving anything he has for another in need.  He takes in stray people and gets them back on the rails again.  He will fight against wrong, and beside those  in the right.  Meet him outside of the biker image, when he is working, you’d never guess the other part of his life. Or when he is sharing the gospel with a street person or someone else.

He is a biker.  A member of what some would call an outlaw motorcycle gang.  It’s a club, not a gang.  And  he is his own man.   He has no criminal record, lives within the laws even the ones he  thinks are absurd.  Decked out in his leather, yes he appears intimidating.  He runs with a rough and rowdy crowd.  But he is still himself within their ranks.  In talking to my daddy it was discovered that in 30+ years of law enforcement he never had a run in with this group the Biker calls ‘family’.

A few have judged him based on other’s actions.  Not everyone that wears the colors is a good person.  But then,  not every cop, firefighter, lawyer, housewife, teacher etc are good people  either.  Teachers  with sex charges against minors doesn’t mean all teachers are bad.  Just because a good number of priests have molested young boys doesn’t make all in that calling a pedophile.  Everyone who lives on “the other side of the tracks” isn’t a generational welfare drain.  Just because someone is of any race, color, profession, ethnic origins…whatever it is they are, doesn’t make them bad because a  handful  of others  are that happen to carry the same label.   I  HATE STEREOTYPING!!!  I believe in judging another for their own character and heart.

MANY cops and fire fighters I know will  have a few  too many and drive, but those that judge my Biker still run with them.  Last time I checked, DUI is still illegal, a crime, so your badge brothers are criminals that just haven’t been  caught.  Just because a few go bad doesn’t taint the whole profession.

I’ve been told how trashy women are who have tattoos by someone sitting across from me who would tell you I am all class.  All the while  they had no clue this classy chick has some ink, some pretty decent sized pieces.  I have more class in my little finger than the one judging me that is ink-less.  Kiss my ass for judging ME.  Yes you did judge me, though you know nothing of those tattoos, you’re judgement would be there had you known of my expressive art work rather than  taking time to know me.  I was judged for my nose ring by the Count’s mama.  Not harshly but it was mentioned to him.  Again, kiss my ass.

I’m angry yes.  I was judged for  my lifestyle when I was a swinger.  That judgement came based on swingers who did do drugs, and other less than savory behavior, a good deal of it illegal.  But I was not like that, and I did not appreciate those that would judge me for it.  It frankly pissed me off.  I don’t like my Biker judged.  I’ve taken time to learn who he is, and that man has a heart of  gold.  Yes, I checked him out, he has no secrets, no record, nothing to hide.

I am aware of my children being far less than thrilled in my choice.  I’m sorry that they pass judgement on someone that  they do not even  know, based on the patches on his vest.  It is their loss.  He will protect them as they are my family, because that is his heart.  They matter to me so they matter to him.  His ‘family’ matter to me as well.  I judge each individually on their own merit,  not the actions of those that have chosen  to go wrong.

The Marvi one is about  to turn 49 years  old.  She is done raising her children,  they are adults now.  I am divorced and therefore free to be ME for the first time in my life.  For 2 years now I’ve dug out ME from under  everyone else’s idea of who and what I should be.  I have a big heart, I took in strays, I am a sinner saved by God’s grace.  I’m soft on the inside but I’m tough on the outside.  And I am at a stage  in my life to make choices for MY happiness.  And the  Biker makes me very very happy.  He doesn’t want to put me in a cage or a box,  he wants to be  wind beneath my wings, support my business and encourage me to just be me.  He wants to fly side by side with me.

I am sorry that some will not get  to know him and judge this man as an individual.  It is their loss.  I am not passing up happiness because someone else doesn’t “approve”.  I’m done playing that game.  I’ve spent nearly my entire life living per someone else’s standards.  Now it is MY turn, I get to live by my own.  Mine are a man with a big ass heart,  who reads God’s Word, tries his best to live that Word, who loves me,  protects me,  would provide for my every need if I let  him, who let’s me be me from my nose ring, to more ink, to pink streaks in my crazy auburn hair. Who supports MY dreams and desires, who wants to be a team, wants a partner, a companion. A man who works hard (he is a fair,  honest, but ruthless business man) for what he has, and wants to share it all with me.

He has indeed used the ‘M’ and ‘W’ words (marriage,  wife) *shudder* but knows that is down yonder road, I’m not ready.  He tells me every day how much he adores me.  Yes he uses that word along with ‘love’.  He wants to take time to be sure I am real, that this strong, bull headed, stubborn, short fused, giggly, wacky, marvelous, intelligent, sleeps with a teddy bear woman who snores like a freight  train is not just putting on a good act.  He has read damn near every blog post I’ve written, now he wants to be sure that the writer is everything she seems.  Multi-faceted, moody, free flying, free spirited, deeply emotional, jealous and possessive, open and caring, all he  has found within my pouring out my heart in my writings.  One of my Divas has  told him, yes that is the woman sitting next  to you, it is really her heart and mind in those writings.  They are cautiously optimistic, they don’t want to see me hurt again.  He says I am him, with a vagina, the female version of himself.

He knows what he was looking for, and feels he found it in me. He asks me all the time where I’ve been hiding.  I wonder the same thing about him.  My bad boy/good man with a heart the size of Texas.

Go on, judge him.  Hopefully in time you will see he makes me happy, loves me, and that very good men wear those patches.  Until then, it is your loss.

The Dating Diaries ~ Taking Down Walls From Inside Out

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I just got home from an amazingly superb weekend.

Remember The Biker?  He scaled the wall of my garden, not bothering to  knock at the gate.  He met me years ago, and has spent the past 4 or so years just observing me and watching me from a distance.  Twice I’ve been very close to going to work for his company.  He decided the time is right and came over the wall, and has started taking a sledge hammer  to that wall from the inside out.

Yes, he IS a biker, the real deal.  He is a bad boy, rebel type.  He is a very good man.

If you met him some days you’d see a business owner, professional and polite to his customers.  Demanding but fair  with his employees.  Very much a type ‘A’ personality, driven and determined.  An  extremely generous and kind soul that would give someone his last dollar and the shirt off of his back if they were in need.  You would see a man that bought stuff from a ‘homeless’ down trodden man today because the poor soul needed money.  And then this man that carries his Bible everywhere he goes, took time to share Christ with the guy who was down on the luck.  I listened to him speak of his Lord and Savior and it was quite apparent that he is a man with a heart that follows Christ.  He talked of his work with troubled youth, trying to help get them on the right path in life.  Seeing this side of him you’d be quite taken.  I watched his friend’s children jump into his arms and hug this gorilla  like teddy bear of a guy.

See him in his  leathers and he  might scare you.  He looks ‘shady’ to many, and because he is a biker they assume the worst.  And yet walking  through a store I watched children who are complete strangers to him ‘knock the rock’ /fist bump him, smile at him and adore this gentle giant.  While waiting to meet up with friends one evening outside of a bar, as a really questionable looking guy was walking my way,  The Biker stepped between me and the on comer in a very casual, non-threatening way to put his protective self between this individual and me.  When someone became drunk and disorderly at the bar later, I watched him get up, talk with the bar tender, then gently, yet firmly,  help this obnoxious guy on his way out of the door.

I was treated like  royalty.  I’ve never known such a gentle touch.  I listened to someone share and pour  out his heart, I looked into the eyes of a gentle giant who, like me, is a free spirit, does his own thing, within the limits of the law, and who thinks I am, and I quote, “beautiful, adorable, a princess, a flower, a great woman and person”.  My needs and wants came first.  He wants to not watch me soar, but wants to fly next to me.  He adores my spunk, my ‘attitude’, my curvy self, everything.

If  this is a dream….I don’t want to wake up!

Walk A Mile In My Shoes

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One of my goals for 2012 is to get to church every week.  So far it is one big FAIL.  I really want to go, and go back to my home church.  It is where I felt at home before I went cruising down a road on which I did not belong.  It was where the prodigal daughter that I am, went back too.  But I cannot bring myself to go again.  I do not WANT to go else where, I really loved my church and church family.  It’s just harder than I thought.

I know that others judging me is not a valid reason to stay away, but if you had been walking beside me the 6 years I was away from the right  path, maybe you would understand.  Better yet if  you had walked that mile in MY shoes, you’d maybe have a clue and not be so quick to judge.  It always amazes me how easy it is for others  to pass judgement on someone else when they aren’t in that situation, and they have few details.

In life I am one of those that is very much a “oh yeah? watch me!” type when someone tells me I cannot or should not do something.  And I am a woman that if I’m going to do something, REALLY do something, right or wrong, I will give it all I have, I don’t do it half assed.  Especially when it comes to making mistakes.  Bad choices, bad ideas, big mistakes, out right sinful behavior.  If I am going to do something I see no reason not to DO something.

The road I went down had a lot of turn offs, rest areas and ‘entertainment’ spots.  I hit everyone of those with gusto.  That road is a dark one, through the sinful pit.  I’ve done things I’d never admit on this blog, and in a counseling situation I’d have a hard time coming clean.  It is stuff, suffice to say, that would curl your hair.  I didn’t like where I was, and it made me an unhappy and very angry person.  You’re a sinner too? Yes I know.  One of those that cast a stone my way was pregnant in high school and got married.  I was pregnant in high school and gave the baby up for adoption.  Let a few curse words fly? Big deal, me too, I can make a trucker blush in 8 vibrant shades of red.  Believe me, the sins I’ve committed would make your halo look damn shiny next to mine.  Believe me, I look at the story of the prodigal son in scripture and think “really? dude I can top that..all of it” and I wonder, would there be rejoicing if I came clean to those standing in judgement, now that I turned away from all of it?  Party hard and kill the fatted calf because the prodigal daughter has returned? You’d be too busy picking your jaw up off the floor at what I confessed to think about a party.

It took a heck of a lot for me to pull myself to church and walk through those doors.  So many were unaware that I knew what they had said to others about me.  The same people that couldn’t wait for their kids to get into the elementary kid’s group under me and the ex’s teaching were the same one’s bad mouthing us when we left about “lacked evidence of fruit in their lives”.   God’s people, passing judgement and GOSSIPING about someone not there, never imagining I’d hear it or return ‘home’.  But I did, and with everything in me I went back.  Then struggles began again.  I managed to not stroll down that road again, but let me tell you it was hard not too.  The people on that road embrace you, support you and do all they can to make you feel welcome there.  I knew that at least I’d have acceptance.  But still, I stayed off that path.

During many struggles to try to keep going, I had posted the lyrics to a few songs by P!nk.  I LOVE the songs because they speak to me.  Heck no, I don’t believe she is a christian.  Then again, I cannot judge her by her music.  It speaks to me because it tells of where she has been herself, which in SOME areas seems to be similar.  I know the songs have foul language in them, but when you are trying to convey how bad something is/was sometimes that language makes the point, impacts the reader or listener like it can’t without it.

In my head I know that I’m forgiven, I know that I’m not seen by God on my own, but through my Savior’s blood which delivers me white as snow.  But I also know what I did, it makes it hard to believe I could be forgiven, loved or that I am at all loveable.  I am not discounting what was done for me on the cross, but it is at times very hard for me to accept.  Then when sisters and brothers in the Lord start heaving stones my way, accusing me of promoting a singer or songs that are not “christian”, it only furthers my belief that I am not loveable, that I’ve crossed too many lines.  That doesn’t make me want to go to church, it makes me want to run from the judging souls there.  They get all hung up on the language and the artist rather than LISTEN to the words, FEEL what is being sung, understand that I’ve been there, done that and the song carries meaning for me because of my life experiences.  I wasn’t promoting the artist, just sharing that I related to the songs.

The song F*cking Perfect….yep that is ME.  Many a wrong turns in my life, and I had to fight my way out of the mistakes.  Bad decisions, yep did those.  The song Sober, I just know what it is like to want to vanish behind alcohol to hide from the pain.  Alcoholic? No, have never needed it, craved it etc.  But I wasn’t stupid, life just felt better tanked than not so much.  And in the video, when P!nk is making out and wrestling with herself, I didn’t see that as a sexual thing.  It is just that, she is wrestling with HERSELF, between self love and doing what is right etc.  Again, I get it, I relate to that struggle.

To those that have never made the crappy choices and wrong turns in life, more power to you.  Be thankful, you do not know what it is like to go there and try to come back from it all.  But when someone is clawing their way back onto the path, please, don’t throw stones, judge or otherwise question their actions etc.  Instead of stomping on their fingers, reach down and give them a hand up.   You haven’t walked a mile or even a block in my shoes, you really have NO idea what you are talking about.

And now, here are those videos.  Maybe put your shock and judgmental attitude away and watch and listen, you might gain some insight into who I am, where I have been, and understand after that how hard it is for someone like me to walk back in among those who haven’t been there.