It is dreary and raining and getting cold outside. We had thunderstorms this afternoon. Yes, here in an area where white Christmas does happen, we had thunderstorms today. Frankly I am not a fan of snow but I’m all over it on Christmas morning, bring it. But keep the thunderstorms, too out of context in December.
I apologize for my absence this past week, especially to those followers who have gotten used to daily posts from my corner of the world. Last Monday I went back to school to get my STNA certification (State Tested Nurse Aide). In class all day, homework and study at night, tests the next morning. Such has been my life since. Over the weekend I took a break and spent Friday night watching my granddaughter and I slept in on Saturday and Sunday morning. I know I know, I should have been in church Sunday but I was beyond exhausted. I’m pretty certain the Lord understands I was fried and needed the rest.
If I had taken the class at Cincinnati State it is like an 8 week course. I’m not sure why, as it is 75 hours of training that includes 2 days of clinical, so 8 weeks seems a bit excessive. But I will say 2 weeks really crams the material in fast.
I’ve never had some dream of doing this, in fact I have never really had any desire to be involved in the medical field in any capacity. 28 years of administrative and office management most of which was in an IT department, then 2 years of childcare and Avon, but never anything like this. I was drawn to it when I visited the nursing home my sister works in, and when I talked about volunteering there she told me to go get certified and get paid to do the work. Especially as volunteers cannot do the things I will be able to do to care for the residents. And the more I learn the more I am drawn to this career. I’m already looking at several other certifications that would expand the role I can play in caring for the elderly.
So that is where I have been. I miss writing as it is my therapy, and miss all the memes and hops, but I will be back to those soon. Friday is the final exam and I’ll be back here Friday afternoon for the Friday Confessional.
Meanwhile, I’m having a blast in school. I LOVE to learn new things, and I’m in a class of only 5 students and we have a great chemistry. Last week at lunch we took Scary Mary, the mannequin we practice on, and had some fun with her. She is scary because well she just looks freaky. And her boobs come off, so you can put man boobs on her and a penis. Her eyes are creepy and more than one of us has walked through the door into the practice/skill room toward the restroom and jumped because there she is in the bed being all low budget horror movie like. I’m probably scarred for life and will have nightmares about her. The photo is Scary Mary at the instructor’s desk. She has also been on the toilet, and I hope it scared the crap out of a weekend student. Cruel, I know, but I’m all about sharing the love in this case.
Anyway, so here I am now, waiting on the dryer to finish up, sipping a cold beer, on a cold, rainy night, longing to crawl in to my bed. I have to be up before the angels in the morning to head to my first day of clinical at the nursing home. I’ll be catching up on my grown up Christmas list posts over the weekend too. But for now, I think I’ll play on Farmville2 until the dryer is done, then it is off to bed for me.
First, let me apologize for having to put 3 together in one post. I’ve been sick and just not feeling up to sitting down and actually engaging my brain into a post. Thanks to the visit to the clinic, I’m good!
#7 ~ My Friend, Cowboy
Long time readers will recall this was a man I was going to marry. Things changed, but we are still the very best of friends. In fact we text and talk daily and sometimes multiple times a day. He is one of my best cheer leaders to encourage me, and I certainly hope I am one of his.
As with all the men I’ve become serious with in my life, he is one of those I believe I was meant to help fix broken pieces of their hearts and souls, but not a forever love. Friends but not meant to be lovers and spouses.
This time of year is often very hard on those that have shattered memories. So for Cowboy I wish for a special Christmas this year, complete with a Christmas angel. A renewed, inner child-like spirit of the holidays that sees it all through the eyes of innocence. For some happy memories to be made this Christmas. For fences to be mended wherever possible, and for the love of the Lord and the joy of the Lord to be his strength. I believe in miracles and I wish several to come his way this Christmas season.
#8 ~ My Daughter-in-Law
As her pregnancy is winding down to the end she is doing all of those last minute things around their new house to be ready when my grandson arrives. She is swelling a bit in hands and feet and I know she is starting to get tired. I pray for peace in her heart and spirit, lots of good solid rest leading up to the delivery. I pray God’s angels will watch over her and my granddaughter when my son is at work, and over him while he is working, bringing him home safely to his family each day. And for an easy, complication free delivery and a very healthy mom and baby Collin.
I’m so thankful for her and her beautiful, spunky daughter that have been added to my family, giving me the new title of grandma.
#9 ~ For My Car
I really need my car to be right now, it has been fixed for multiple issues this year. I need it to be reliable so I can get too and from school the next 2 weeks, and then to and from my job that I will be starting in January, Lord willing. I need it to also keep my Avon business going. I had to let that slide for a while without a car to drive. I really appreciate any and all prayers to this effect so that I can accomplish these things and get myself back on track financially. I have many bills that need catching up and then back on a regular payment schedule.
My wish is that this material will come easily to me, and that I can get through the next 2 weeks without issues. I need this certification and I think I am a good fit for the job and type of work it will allow me to pursue.
I wish for nothing to get in the way of my going and getting my needed education.
I love my brothers. Both are amazing men, and great fathers to their children. Both have good hearts, and both have made some mistakes in life. But both have done their best to fix any wrongs and make them right.
Baby brother has a birthday tomorrow. I still remember coming downstairs to see what St. Nick brought us to find out my mom was at the hospital having him, and shortly after that learning I had another brother.
My other brother, younger than me, has a big event coming soon in his life as well, one that makes me very happy for him.
I wish them both all the happiness in this world, and love and blessings.
Family is the most important thing a person has on this earth, Grandpa Fred always told me that.
People are human.
People make mistakes.
People sometimes can be in so much pain already that they can find the demon under every rock, even if it only looks like it is there.
And sometimes people purposely set a stage to make others think there is a demon when there isn’t even a rock.
My prayer is for communication, forgiveness where it is needed, and understanding to see the truth.
My second wish on my list is for my son and his family.
For his beautiful wife and he to have a love that lasts their lifetime, with “Just Enough” and be faithful and loving to each other always.
For his beautiful little girl, who to him is every bit as much his as his soon to be son. For her to grow up to be a Proverbs 31 woman one day, who has a heart that desires to serve the Lord.
For his son, who is due to arrive this month, may he be born healthy and strong, and that he will grow up to be a man of God, and make his parents proud.
May all their lives be full of “just enough”, always.
Seen as part of a post on another day, entitled “Just Enough”. Author unknown.
“I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.“
Here are FOUR QUESTIONS that everyone can answer and then you have the option to add a fifth question of your own for those who are visiting your blog to answer in the comment section, along with commenting on the four standard questions you answered! Click the badge above to link up and add it to your post:
1. Do you decorate outdoors for the holidays?
2. What is the best thing about office Christmas parties?
3. Gloves or Mittens?
4. What do you think of Secret Santas?
**Bonus question for visitors to the post to answer**
5. What is your favorite holiday indulgence that you only find during this season?
~*~ ~*~ ~*~
1. Do you decorate outdoors for the holidays?
We put up lights but not a lot of them. When I was married the outside was always nicely decorated on the marital residence.
2. What is the best thing about office Christmas parties?
NOT having them! We never had parties in the 26 years I worked for the company, that included spouses or significant others. It was usually a ‘party’ all day while working and frankly I do not miss those one bit!
3. Gloves or Mittens?
Mittens are warmer and I love them! Gloves when driving though, I don’t feel I have a good control of the steering wheel in mittens.
4. What do you think of Secret Santas?
They can be fun. I prefer the Secret Encourager program at my church with the Ladies Outreach. You fill out slips with some general information and then they go in a ‘hat’ and are drawn by someone who secretly encourages you all year long. I love that!
5. – Bonus Question – What is your favorite holiday indulgence that you only find during this season?
Eggnog shakes! McDonald’s has a good one. But by far the best is from UDF (United Dairy Farmers) and because they are only available during the Christmas holiday season, they are a wonderful treat. I shudder to think of the calories and fat content, however. I’ve never looked, just don’t want to know!
It got me thinking hard the other day, as I had it on in my room, and in relation to my post about Longing For A Simpler Time, about my adult Christmas list.
I don’t have a desire for a bunch of “stuff”. I’m not out Black Friday shopping today, haven’t for several years because the insanity of it all keeps getting worse. When stores open on Thanksgiving evening, on a holiday employees should be home with family, it kind of makes my stomach turn. And all these shoppers pushing and shoving to get bargains on things that they do NOT need. No one NEEDS a 60 inch HD television, that is a want. No one NEEDS an iPad, again, it is a want. What if for a change we DID something for people instead of buying something. Or donated the money we would spend to a charity.
Some ideas:
Free babysitting – every couple with small children knows how pricey a sitter is, not to mention the cost of dinner and a movie. My grandparents were married “til death do us part”, and it was such a neat thing to see them sitting together in their old age, holding hands. I learned that they had a regular date night each week, even if that date was peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the park. It was THEIR time, not time to talk about the kids, or work, it was time to recharge them. Maybe that is why they were so in love and stayed married despite the difficulties they faced over the years. Know a young couple with little ones? Why not give them 12 nights of free baby sitting? Once a month take the kids so they can have some time together. If you figure up the price of a good sitter, for 4-5 hours each of 12 nights, that is one pricey gift that costs you nothing, yet is priceless because it is your time.
Dinner – how many of us know someone who cannot get out much. Maybe they simply have a tight budget, or they are single, or a single mom with kids, or maybe an elderly shut in. So many people would love a home cooked meal outside of their own home if they are able to get out. Sure, it might mean you have to go and pick them up, but what if, again, once a month you had someone to your table who might not otherwise get out of their home or routine. So you have some salad and bread to stretch the meal to include one more seat, is it really that big of a hassle? It could be lunch one Saturday a month, sometimes at home, other times maybe at a park. If they cannot go out, don’t just take the meal to them, sit down and eat with them. Talk to them, enjoy the time! There is no way to put a price on a gift like this, for you or that person receiving it!
Read – Have someone on your list who is unable to read because vision is failing? Or they are too young to read? Or they just don’t read much but should. Why not set aside time to read to them? Kids love someone to read to them! So do folks who cannot read for themselves any longer.
Make Something – cookies, dinner, a blanket, find something you can make for someone. One year my sister made no-sew fleece blankets for the 4 foster kids I was taking care of, because she wanted to do something but couldn’t afford to spend much. She made each one personal to the child, for the price of some fabric and her time to put them together. I’ve received cookies and snacks from people as gifts, and believe me I loved those far more than a store bought item because I knew they took time to actually make something for me. Don’t just make something, add a hand written note with a memory of that person that makes you smile!
Write! – When all else fails, write something! I had a letter for years from my dad that he wrote to me on my 12th birthday. He had to be away that year, so he sent me a letter about how much he loved me, and how proud he was of me and WHY. That letter, even to a 12 year old, meant so much. Imagine what a letter like that, from your heart, could mean to a friend or loved one? Money cannot buy what is in your heart, and having it will be a priceless keepsake for that individual.
Memories - What if instead of unwrapping presents, we unwrapped memories and shared those around the tree one year? Just the other day, as my sister and I ran an errand, I was telling her that one of my fondest memories of the holidays was one year when all of us, siblings and significant others, parents and offspring, went to the Festival Of Lights at our zoo. We all ended up on the train together singing Christmas Carols. We butchered them as most of us cannot carry a tune strapped to our backs, but it was so much fun. She laughed and enjoyed the memory with me, having forgotten about it until I brought it up. What joy could you bring if everyone shared like that instead of sharing a store bought item? Everyone bring a gift box or bag with their notes about the memory (so they don’t forget parts they want to share) and each take turns reading the memory to everyone present. Imagine the fun and new memories being made and again, it will cost nothing but time, but the gift to others will be priceless. It doesn’t have to involve others there, just a memory of something or someone special you want to share with others. I know, you actually have to sit down together and talk, share….take a deep breath you can do this.
Forgiveness – Who do you hold a grudge against? Imagine the gift not only to the person, but yourself, if you forgave them and reconciled a relationship? Over the years I have done this a few times, and always the outcome was positive. One that stands out was my first husband, after a very ugly divorce and custody fight. I not only forgave him a court ordered debt that year, but I extended an olive branch his way. It made the growing up years of my son so much better when his parents could get along for his sake.
Between now and Christmas, I’m going to start a grown up Christmas list. Like the 30 days of thankfulness I’ve been keeping, each day leading up to Christmas I’m going to add an item to my wish list for this Christmas. They won’t really be things Santa could bring, or someone could purchase for me. They will be things that have meaning, wishes that I’ve carried in my heart. I would love to see my fellow blog buds do this too, as so many of you that read my posts have often inspired me.
Here is the song that got me thinking about my grown up Christmas list. The lyrics first and then one of my favorite versions sung by Amy Grant.
“My Grown Up Christmas List”
Do you remember me
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you
With childhood fantasies
Well, I’m all grown up now
And still need help somehow
I’m not a child
But my heart still can dream
So here’s my lifelong wish
My grown up christmas list
Not for myself
But for a world in need
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
and wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up christmas list
As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree
Well heaven only knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up christmas list
What is this illusion called the innocence of youth
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth
(there’d be)
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end, oh
This is my grown up christmas list
This is my only life long wish
This is my grown up christmas list
I confess…
I did NOT want to get out of my bed this morning to go do this vendor event with my SwissJust upline. But I needed the exposure to some of the products and knowledge she has, and she was going to be alone at an event that typically has 17,000 people through it in the course of the weekend so it didn’t seem fair not to go.
I confess…
I am SO glad that I went to the event. I did learn a lot and it helped me with my push out of my shy comfort zone. And it was fun.
I confess…
I am starting to really look forward to going to school in a few weeks to get my nurse aide certification. At first I wasn’t but I love old people, and getting to work in the nursing home with them, helping to care for them, is appealing. Having medical insurance again is a huge plus too.
I confess…
I am somewhat glad that one of my favorite shows, Blue Bloods, is not on tonight. I came home with a migraine today and it totally kicked my butt. I don’t get them often, so when I do, I am always astounded at the amount of energy they drain from my body.
I confess…
I am about to go re-heat my pumpkin spice coffee for the third time because I keep getting distracted online and forgetting to drink it.
Last night I had a dream. Actually 2 dreams. It was a rather odd night of vivid images that were just plain weird. I don’t usually remember my dreams but as I was having a pretty fitful night I’m not shocked they stayed with me this time. So intense, so real and so off the wall that they have kinda stayed right there with me all day.
The first was that QFB/Queenie, the old former friend that I was once very close too, and I made up. Yes I know, and no hell did not freeze over which is a good indication that it was just that, a dream (some would say nightmare). She came to me, all tears etc about how much she misses me and our friendship. Yep and the Bengals might go to the Superbowl! But it was crystal clear down to her perfume and red nails. I hold no hope of that, but not from my side. You know me, I’m forgiving to a fault. From her side of the equation that is about as likely as pigs flying.
The other dream involved my marrying Long Beach and moving to a beautiful home he claims he has in Long Beach, California. Again, entirely too vivid for my taste. I’ve never met him, just heard his voice and seen photos, but my brain did one heck of a job of creating the house, the man, the rings, the hugs, the sleeping by his side…even his cat! Seeing as how he has dropped off the face of the earth again (he tends to do this disappearing act), this was definitely a dream. My imaginary dream man! One entirely too good to come true, as I suspected from our first encounter years ago. He nearly had me convinced he was for real this time. But my belief holds true, never trust anyone who doesn’t have a Facebook. Or who shares a birthday with the ex!
I woke up both times totally confused and having to spend a few minutes orienting myself to my surroundings, checking my hand for wedding bands, and thinking hard before confirming that yes those were dreams.
I write it all off to the sinus infection I have and the lack of meds to treat it until today. I’m thinking I seriously need to put lavender oil on my pillows tonight, too much weirdness when I don’t.
I’m beginning to think my returning to school for 2 weeks, beginning next week and then into a full time job for a while is a good thing. Too much time playing with virtual animals and farms and my brain is confusing reality and fantasy! I need the insurance and farming crops on the computer in FarmVille2 is just not getting it done.
But until next week, this is what will keep me busy. Speaking of which, I have chickens to feed.
Here are FOUR QUESTIONS that everyone can answer and then you have the option to add a fifth question of your own for those who are visiting your blog to answer in the comment section, along with commenting on the four standard questions you answered!
To join click the icon above!!!
1. What is your favorite kind of soup?
2. When was the last time you saw snow?
3. What is a must have trait if someone is going to live with you?
4. Who was your favorite James Bond?
And don’t forget to add a 5th Question on your own blog so we can answer as we hop around!
My Answers:
1. What is your favorite kind of soup?
WOW that is a tough one, as I really do not have a favorite. My ex makes one called Cheese Burger soup, the recipe came from someone we went to church with, and that might possibly be the favorite. Hmm, in fact I think I will contact the source and see if she still has that recipe, it is to die for delicious, and if she gives it up, I’ll post it!
2. When is the last time you saw snow?
Last winter! This area of the country (southwest Ohio) sees its share of snow in winter. Not usually a mega bunch like other areas, but we’re good for several decent snow falls each winter. Personally I’m a fan of it on Christmas Eve after I go to sleep, it can snow several inches, we can wake to a white Christmas, then the crap can melt on December 26th and not return until Christmas Eve the next year.
3. What is a must have trait if someone is going to live with you?
A really good sense of humor and playful spirit. Life is too short to take it all so seriously, and I like to have fun and laugh, a lot!
4. Who was your favorite James Bond?
Sean Connery without a doubt! OMG I still think at 82 the man is sexy!
And now for my question for those that happen by my blog to answer in the comments:
5. What is your favorite guilty pleasure when you take time out for yourself?
Link up and don’t forget to leave your answer for #5 in the comments!
Today I am thankful for my grandchildren. I have a spunky, red-headed granddaughter that I absolutely adore! And sometime next month my grandson will arrive.
This has been an awesome time for me, adjusting to this grandparent chapter. I became a grandma in March when my son married his beautiful (inside and out) wife and became daddy to her daughter. We gained 2 very special ladies into the family that day and the time I get to spend with them is precious to me. My granddaughter has the most contagious laugh and she is full of energy. Today I spent time with her while her mom spent a day with the women from her family.
She has already taught me a few important things, like how to spoil an 8yo, and that I need to get some games around here for her and I to play!
This little angel has wrapped the women in the Diva Den around her finger, and I am SO thankful for her in my life!
I received this in a text from my son one evening a few weeks ago, and it absolutely made my day:
I confess…
I am stuck in a funk of late. That one I get in when things just are not going according to my imperfect little plans, and when things are falling apart around me. I go in my shell at that point but I’m really pushing hard NOT to drop into that shell this time around. Nothing gets done. Regrouping is a good thing, no doubt, but I need to keep my focus.
I confess…
I really need to address the chipped polish on my piggies. I’ve had the remnants of black there for sometime but I am just too lazy to bother with it. And I am not kidding when I say remnants.
I confess…
The weight of the world came off my shoulders as I brain stormed with my sister about ideas for folks for Christmas this year. Inexpensive, handmade or otherwise put together by hand will be what most will get and I love the ideas! Blogging about cutting back and doing things to make a difference yesterday really helped me to refocus!
I confess…
I giggle still when I feed my chickens and live stock on my farm in Farmville2 and they poop out wool, eggs, milk, cheese, horse shoes and saddles. :)
I confess… American Horror Story is beyond my limits of creepy. Cannot keep watching that one. Not sure I can handle 666 Park Avenue either. It has just gotten entirely too bizarre and creepy!
I confess…
I am less than excited that the hot flashes are back. This getting older stuff is not a good time. I still act and most days feel like I’m 21, why in the world must my body not keep up??
I confess…
I have a “Purple Cow” plan for my Avon business. Brace yourself locals, that lady in the pink cowboy hat adorned with a black feather boa hanging down the back like a pony tail, with pink hair, wearing pink and black, pulling a shopping cart like old ladies use full of bright pink boxes, would be me! Doing what I can to draw total attention to myself as unique, fun and well I need to make more money!!!
I confess…
While I continue to build my business I am going to school to get my STNA (nurses aide) certification next month. I need the money for a while, not making it fast enough and want my student loans paid off. Temporarily but it will help so I can have health insurance again too.
I confess…
I don’t usually write deep or insightful posts like yesterday’s often, but that is because this is my therapy, writing. And I prefer to keep things light most of the time. But once in a while if you go back through posts you will stumble on one of those moments like yesterday when I just open the flood gates.
In light of Day 8′s post, this one is a good follow-up.
I am thankful for my ex-husband. He was and is a very good dad to both of our kids.
While I still have some serious hurt where he is concerned, as I’ve let things go and actively forgiven and prayed for him, it is subsiding and the good memories of those 22 years are surfacing. And I am very thankful for those good times we had. In addition I am very thankful for the woman he has found in his life, Judy, as she is wonderful friend to both of my children and they love her very much. She is one of those people that has such a beautiful spirit that seems to touch everyone she meets. I am thankful for Pete’s happiness and the joy it brings to the lives of those around him.
Around here coffee is a major food group on its own. If someone is awake in this house, there is a pot of coffee on. And a fresh pot often will equal sitting down at the table, or in the family room or living room, coffee in hand sharing about how our day transpired. Sometimes it is a pow-wow or brain storming session to solve an issue. Sometimes it is a gathering of the Divas to help one of us through a rough spot. Most often it is a time to sit together and laugh, share and relax.
Coffee brings back memories of my friend, Marita, and sitting together with coffee in hand, nails clicking on the table top and cups because we’re both rather animated when we talk. I miss her and our long talks over our coffee cups.
Coffee sometimes means memories made when out Black Friday shopping, or sitting at Tri-County mall with my old tutor, Bob, working on my signing language skills and laughing at the ridiculous stories he’d sign for me to interpret that would have me laughing hard enough to spew the coffee out of my nose.
Coffee carries with it so many fond memories of other times and places, recent events and good times, and sometimes just the peaceful quiet of being the first person awake to make it and feed the cats. Different flavors give off different scents bringing to mind many different times and places.
I’m thankful for not so much the coffee, itself, but what it is and does in my life.
Good grief, it’s Friday already? Guess it is time for confessing all my sins for the week. Jump on the hop/meme with us by clicking above. Mamarazzi is on break but clicking the image will land you over at High Heeled Love where the link-up and confessions are taking place.
I confess…
I may have had just a little too much fun with my kids last night. Not drunken insanity, more like drunk on good times. My sides and stomach hurt from laughing so hard, its the most work out my abs have had in…well a while. My son texted me to see if I wanted to go to dinner with him, his wife and daughter. I rarely turn down a free meal so I said yes. He invited his sister along too (Thanks Bubbie, I love when we all spend time together and I don’t see you all enough). My son is perhaps one of the few that doesn’t raise an eyebrow when mama orders a 32oz draft. He knows I will take the entire meal to drink it, appetizers included. Well most of the time. He’d be the first person to land a second one in front of me.
I confess…
My kids can make me laugh like no one else. We laughed til my mascara was pretty much cried off my face. Even when something isn’t really all that amusing, my daughter has the most contagious giggle and laugh. Sometimes I was laughing at her laughing. And I confess much of what we were laughing about was most inappropriate. Just go to Damn You Auto Correct for examples of what nearly killed me inhaling tortilla chips. I couldn’t breathe at times I was laughing so hard.
I confess…
I am considering an ‘arranged’ marriage of sorts next time around. Hold on, Cinnamon, my spicey friend, and read these 4 articles about romantic love and the science of arranged marriage. You are probably the one person I know that will ‘get it’ better than others. Article 1 – What Is Romantic Love, Article 2 - How To Make Romantic Love Last Long, Article 3 – How To Easily Fall Out Of Romantic Love, and Article 4 – The Science Of Arranged Marriages – How Do They Work. I seriously figured out why my 22 year marriage failed. Someone didn’t make ME center of his world like I did him. The incurable flirt that he was, was a recipe for disaster. But seriously I think the arranged marriage of logic and reason has merit.
I confess…
This FarmVille2 thing has me so buried. Do yourself a HUGE favor and never ever go there! Do not click the link and get suckered into playing it. It is a cult of some sort and I’ve been brain washed into worrying about making cheese, harvesting wheat and envying someone named Walter for his farm, and he and the farm are no more than pixels grouped to LOOK like something cute and real. The illusion is powerful, the addiction very real. I need a 12 step program for this.
I confess…
I threw something at my cat this morning. 2 things actually. I was too wired to sleep last night so I used the lavender oil on a spare pillow case to find the Sandman. That worked like a charm but I was wide awake far earlier than I wanted to be because my darling little furry one was knocking on the closet door. She paws at the door with her front paws while standing on the back ones, it sounds a lot like rapid knocking. Not really loud as much as highly annoying when I am trying to sleep. I usually let her in the closet to explore when I’m putting on my makeup in the morning because I can keep an eye on her while she is knocking things on the floor (I have a walk in closet with a dresser in there and she enjoys pushing things off the edge and watching them fall). But I was not about to let her in there unsupervised and certainly not at 6am. This was supposed to be my sleeping in day. I finally waded up the pillow case and threw it at her. She was back 5 minutes later, hell bent on getting in. I threw my teddy bear next. Not at her but at the door above her head so it would startle her. That didn’t work either. I just gave up and finally went in search of coffee, I know when I’ve lost the match.
I confess…
I am eating peanut butter crackers and drinking a diet coke for breakfast. Don’t judge it sounded good to me.
I leave you with one of the things that got my daughter into a fit of giggles last night. She had been on Pinterest and for whatever reason was searching on “Bob Cat” and this is what came up. She laughed herself into tears that night, and again over dinner when she pulled it up to show her brother. Scary thing is, I found it nearly as funny as she did.
Time to hit the confessional, currently being hosted over at High-Heeled Love while Mamarazzi takes a break. SO the icon above will take you to Mamarazzi’s place, you need to click on High-Heeled Love to get to the link-up if you decided to participate or want to read other blogger confessions. Face it, you KNOW you want too, because we all like juicy stuff on others.
My ex-husband used to say we didn’t have skeletons in our closet, our’s sat out on the couch where you could see them all, as we had nothing to hide. I try hard to carry that on, as I see no point in hiding things.
I confess….I have a slight competitive streak in me. Okay more than slight. A little competition for the sake of fun can get me up off my tush and onto the playing field rather quickly. Like yesterday there was a recruit-a-thon in our Avon district, so I was more driven to go find new leads and ended up with 6! Or when it comes to truly important things, like my farm in FarmVille2. Staying ahead of my baby sister will drive me to pull out of bed early to harvest my wheat. Provided it is an even playing field, with NO real money being spent on the virtual farms. Not that I haven’t been tempted!
I confess….I have been enjoying the attention coming my way from out west via Long Beach, my nickname for some guy that lives there that has been off and on trying to get my attention for a few years now. Claims he loves me (I confess I’m not that dumb as to believe in love at first sight, especially through photos) and wants to marry me. Daddy didn’t raise me to be an episode of Criminal Minds so my being skeptical is understated. But I will admit the texts are kind of fun. But no wedding bells or relationships in my future, as he has never actually come here to meet me despite the 2 year attraction now. And nothing sexual, the texts are pretty vanilla, just amusing.
I confess….Sometimes I like the idea of a Zombie Apocalypse. I love the show, The Walking Dead, and we even have a ‘Zombie Attack Survival Guide’ poster hanging in the upstairs hallway. Why you ask? Okay it is all fantasy dialog, but there are more than a few folks I’d love to have a valid, lawful reason to stab in the head with a screwdriver. Don’t freak out, I’m not a nut case, like I said, fantasy dialog. Admit it, you know of at least one person that in your mind’s eye you’ve splattered their gray matter on the walls via a crossbow! Huh? You haven’t? hmm….don’t tell my therapist.
I confess….I do my best work in the 11.5th hour. Hence I will be crocheting my sweet little fingers off today to finish up blankets for the baby shower for my grandson tomorrow. Don’t judge! One is actually for my granddaugther, as she became my son’s the day he married her mother. We adore this little red head and I promised myself once that all of my grandchildren would have a blanket from their grandma. So I am making one for her just not a baby one, this is a beautiful big-girl blanket. I will post a photo later this weekend, as my daughter-in-law reads my blogs sometimes and she doesn’t get a sneak peak!
I confess….I am not going to make it to ladies bible study this morning because of that blanket. But it has to be ready. It is hard being the big sister with a new baby getting the attention, especially when you blend families, so I want her to feel extra special in her new role. So I need to get back to my hooking here in a brief few minutes!
I confess….I am NOT going to have an iPhone. Just not caught up in the hoopla or sold on it. After a side-by-side comparison online of iPhone 5, Droid Razr Maxx and the new Samsung Galaxy SIII….I am probably going with the Galaxy. I am very familiar with Droid software, and in comparing them, I actually see little difference that matters except the price! And I’m seeing more and more apps that were iPhone now coming out in Droid as it is being realized that not everyone thinks the iPhone is the end all. It helped that my daughter, an iPhone owner, opted to go with the Galaxy SIII when her upgrade time came this past week. And she loved her iPhone, but says she feels the Galaxy wins hands down. And this phone talks to you in that creepy lady voice too, and does face talk, and the battery life is nearly twice that of the iPhone 5. Right there is enough for me.
Okay, that is all I have for now. Off to find my hook and yarn and finish these blankets!
**DISCLAIMER: The following has been rated PG-13 for language and subject matter**
Names. They are an important part of our identity. We’re given a name at birth, and it lands on our birth certificates. It is how we are legally known in the world. Mine is Martha, I’m the 3rd in a line of oldest daughters in the family to carry that name. My nickname since birth has been Marti. From day one my parents called me Marti. By the time I reached Catholic school, it was the only name I knew myself by, so when the nuns refused to use it and would only call us by our given names, that frankly pissed me off. My mother is Marty, her siblings all call her that. In fact in the extended family they referred to mom as big Mart, and me as little Mart. When I was pregnant with my daughter, my uncle asked if my baby was a girl, were we going to name her Martha and call her mini Mart. Not so much. In high school they called me Marti, teachers, friends, students, even the principal knew me as Marti. I go to the doctor and while they have my legal/birth name on all records, they too call me Marti. As does the dentist, eye doctor etc.
Nicknames are just as much a person’s name as the one on their birth certificate. My ex, his name is Peter. But you won’t find anyone other than his mother and one or two friends that refer to him as Peter. Everyone else calls him Pete. My son is Michael, and my intent was always for him to be Michael. But that failed, his buddies called him Mike and I gave up. His little sister still uses Michael but she is one of few.
In the swinger lifestyle my name was Jaz. It was a shortened version of Jasmine, a name from a time prior to the lifestyle. I won’t go into all that, but nicknames kept us from being recognized in conversations by others when in the hearing of those outside of the lifestyle. After a time we did tell folks my real name but so many couldn’t make the change. Several said Jaz suited me better. It was even on my license plates for a while.
Jaz is the side of me that was naughty! The side that long ago in single days danced on tables in bars, that flashed the band for beads, the side of me you would find naked in the pool or hot tub with a mix of friends, the side of me that was quite confident in who I am and makes no excuse for being a bad girl at times. The side of me that did many nude photo shoots, and that is why you won’t see me running for political office because those pics are floating around all over the place and would likely surface. Not that I give a flying frog’s ass but voters might. That is the side of me that is certain when I walk in a church that lightening is going to strike and the walls will fall down. Jaz is every bit a part of who I am, but also the part that shocks folks when they discover that this woman was the prim and proper, jumper to the mid-calf, wife to the chairman of the deacon board and now has surgically enhanced 38D boobs, pink hair and tattoos. I’m a bad girl at times, sue me.
Many had issues with the name thing, funny that they themselves go by nicknames. One in particular now doesn’t even use Marti when referring to me to others but uses Martha. What the fuck ever, it matters little to me (though I’d imagine the bitch doesn’t call the ex Peter….just saying). Not sure why anyone cares what I go by since my life and what I do in NO way impacts their own. What is that saying, love me or hate me, either way if you are talking about me you are thinking about me?
My naughty side and my good girl side are all really one in the same person. The lines have blurred as I’ve become comfortable with myself and learned to love me as I am. It isn’t that I have a naughty side, it is that I know there is a time and a place when it is appropriate to be naughty, and a time when it is most decidedly NOT. You can call me Marti, Martha, Jaz, bitch, whatever turns you on and makes you feel good about yourself, but it won’t change who I am! I am still the same person.
As I’ve gone through hell and back the past 10 months I’ve come to the conclusion that Marti is Jaz, Jaz is Marti, both are Martha and she is them. All one in the same person. One damn nice, very cute, lots of fun, moody, temperamental, entirely too forgiving, playful, kinky, a little naughty, definitely a bitch, perfectly imperfect, woman. Call me any damn name you prefer, I am still me and the name I go by does NOT change that.
However, that is where the pruning is taking place. I’m ditching the nickname in as much as I can. There are those that will never be able to just call me Marti and that is fine, they knew me first as Jaz. It is just a name, a fun nick name, that I won’t be using anymore. BUT it won’t change who I am. I am Martha, Marvelous Martha, Marvi Marti…Marti.
**DISCLAIMER: The following has been rated PG-13 for language and subject matter**
The week ahead of me involves purging things from my life. This is the first of several pruning posts to come.
There comes a time every so often when we need to rethink things, evaluate where we are, sort through the good and the bad, and remove those things that just need to go from our lives because they are cluttering it up or like weeds are strangling our growth. I’ve been having a time of self evaluation of late, some of my posts have eluded to that, and in a recent post I remarked that I was refocusing. It has become time to grab the virtual pruning sheers and remove some things from my life that are keeping me from growing and moving forward, or may just be unneeded or annoying. I also have some planting and fertilizing to do in many areas of my life.
Last night I realized just how rattled I had been throughout the process of my divorce, especially in the initial weeks and months after my world imploded around me. I’ve known Pete 23 years last month, we married 10 months later. SO while I knew him just under 23 years, we were married just under 22 years. Wasn’t an intentional mistake I just miscalculated. I admit clarity of thought in certain details was shot to hell after he told me he wanted out. I was also off a week as to when it was told to me by my then prince charming that he wanted out. He actually told me on Friday, January 15th. I can confirm that because of an elaborate lie he constructed. He created an email address for an instructor at Cincinnati State that often used his assistance for classes, then emailed our home email address to ask for assistance for the lab on 1/14. Then he left the house dressed for class. By the time he returned that night I had discovered it was a fake email address and he later confessed he was in a hotel, supposedly writing and crying building up to tell me he wanted out. His eyes were not puffy or showed any signs of tears when he came home, and if you know Pete you know he doesn’t write a damn thing down. My suspicion is he was with his 26yo ER nurse but he’d rather lie to the world than have anyone question his integrity. Never mind the elaborate lie he concocted to get out of the house that night. The next day he told me he wanted a divorce. Nice one. In the following weeks when deciding how we’d divide up debts and property he told me I could continue in the swinger lifestyle and attend the swingers club, that he was leaving it all behind, he wanted to find someone that could love him, that didn’t want to share him or be shared.
NOW STOP THE F-ING TRUCK RIGHT THERE! I found that very interesting considering how we landed in the swinger lifestyle. For years he shared a fantasy of wanting to watch me with others, men or women. It bothered me a lot when he shared that, I even expressed that I couldn’t fathom how he could love and treasure me if he wanted to share me, it didn’t make sense. I was assured over and over again that this was in his mind very hot and that I was adored and treasured. I should have known better coming from the man that had an Adult Friend Finder account when I was in night school and was meeting other women looking for booty buddies. But he SWEARS that he never did anything with the women he met (yeah and my mother is the Virgin Mary). I should have divorced his sorry ass back then, but we were so active in our church and I had been taught forgiveness…and I loved him despite his faults so I stuck it out. DUMB DUMB DUMB move.
I found some areas in the swinger lifestyle that worked for me, I loved planning events and I very much loved promoting them, and others events. Promotion I am very good at, I fit into marketing things very well. But the playing side, it never was quite my thing. I never really found any men or women to be anyone that I wanted to play with, and this was source of tension for me and hubby. See, most couples in the lifestyle are ‘full swap’ and only play with other couples. And I’ll be totally honest that a good portion of men in the lifestyle married up…way up. Their wives were hot but them…not so much. The lifestyle is ruled by the woman, if they don’t like someone, it simply isn’t going to happen. Because so many would only play with couples, many women hubby wanted to be playing with were off limits to him because I wasn’t going to play with their spouses. I tried that, taking one for the team, and it wasn’t really a good experience. I refused to do it again so since the women he wanted had hubbies I did not want, it didn’t work out well. I loaned him out to couples looking for 3-ways but that was the best I could do. All told in our many years and meeting hundreds of people, there were no men that did anything for me. I really was not that into the play end. Pete on the other hand never had a problem, if she was reasonably cute and flirty, he was there.
We began to see lifestyle friend’s marriages around us failing right and left, easily 2 dozen in the past 3 or 4 years. That worried me and more than once I asked him if he could walk away from the lifestyle and go back to just me and him. He indicated that he did not think so. 50% of marriages are said to end in divorce, and many would say in the lifestyle it is less. However in the same time frame I saw 2 marriages outside of the lifestyle fail. Just 2. I’m no longer convinced that divorce happens less within the lifestyle. And I find it interesting that the one of us that spent years sharing that fantasy and then telling me how much he enjoyed it watching me and playing, and he couldn’t see himself giving it up, suddenly decided he wanted to find someone to love him alone, be his alone and be only theirs. He HAD that, I was more than willing, I adored him, loved him, he was everything to me and I’d have walked far away from it all had he said he wanted that.
Meanwhile I admit, there were times in very raw pain throughout the months leading up to the divorce that I lashed out and threatened to go for everything in the divorce. I was hurting so much and wanted to inflict something on Pete. Not real nice I know, but if you are not walking in my shoes, don’t judge it. Those that have judged me for my behavior throughout the past 10 months, I really hope you never know what it was like, because believe me it was unimaginable agony to go through.
I went back to try the lifestyle as a single female. After the divorce was final I went to the club again, I felt it was a respect issue to the marriage and my kids to wait until I was legally divorced. I tried it, it did NOT work for me, I wasn’t truly happy in it before and even less so as a single.
I’ve had a lot of time to think things through and I know what I want and don’t want. I don’t want to be shared, I want to be a priceless treasure in someone’s life. I don’t want to share what is mine when it comes to intimacy. While I believe most men are truly pigs, there are some out there that are able to love ONE woman, be with just one woman, and not cheat on that one woman. I am willing to wait for that, and if I never find it, at least I won’t feel like a used piece of meat.
So yes, that means I am leaving the lifestyle behind me. I’ve been out now for a bit, but wanted to make it official. My profiles are empty and those sites willing too have deleted them entirely. I won’t be back. I had fun, made some great friends, and I believe also that it did in fact blur the lines and MAY have been a small, contributing factor to my marriage failing after Pete’s expressed desire to find someone that was just his.
Meanwhile, I’m having a blast in school. I LOVE to learn new things, and I’m in a class of only 5 students and we have a great chemistry. Last week at lunch we took Scary Mary, the mannequin we practice on, and had some fun with her. She is scary because well she just looks freaky. And her boobs come off, so you can put man boobs on her and a penis. Her eyes are creepy and more than one of us has walked through the door into the practice/skill room toward the restroom and jumped because there she is in the bed being all low budget horror movie like. I’m probably scarred for life and will have nightmares about her. The photo is Scary Mary at the instructor’s desk. She has also been on the toilet, and I hope it scared the crap out of a weekend student. Cruel, I know, but I’m all about sharing the love in this case.
