Tag Archives: Jesus

Friday Confessional

Posted on by

4

photo HighHeeledLove_zpsbbcc137c.jpg

WOOHOO!!!!

It is F-R-I-D-A-Y baby!!!!

Confession, it is said, is good for the soul, so let’s get started!

I confess…

I am just about dancing on the ceiling!  Okay so I know it is likely water weight but when the numbers on the scale begin to DECREASE I get happy and very very motivated.  3 pounds down this morning and that is making all this water (I could seriously row to work) worth it.  And giving up my wine for flavored water, and measuring everything that is going into my mouth.  Next step is to add in walking.  I WILL beat my mom, sister, and sis-in-law in Biggest Loser score.

I confess…

Tonight it will be hard to be good.  Train ride, dinner, all with a dear friend and my kids and their SO’s.  But I WILL make an effort.  It is the start of ‘pre-partying’ or ‘tailgating’ for my 50th next Friday.  By good I do mean watching what I eat and drink.  I mean it, I have every intention of being very careful.  And grandma used to say the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  I’m screwed.

I confess…

That wine glass from yesterday’s post?  I should have stayed off of that website.  SO many amazing ones to chose from.

I confess…

When I was out with my friend last Saturday, the topic of Internet dating came up as that is how we originally met.  I got to strolling down memory lane, wondering what fodder was there for my novels in the making.  I have to say that it was fun, meeting so many men and enjoying conversation.  But there were a few horror stories in there as well.  It could make for a great book in and of itself if not a few chapters.  So, for shits and giggles, I checked to see if my profiles were still there, and they were inactive but accessible, so I activated them.  Holy Mother Of Freak Parades, into my mailbox came the full blown marching band.  Thankfully I’m able, due to past experiences, to weed through the clowns and ring masters to find the truly REAL and nice guys on these sites.  They are few and far between.  NO I am not looking to date, was just curious, and yes I know all about the cat and curiosity.

I confess…

I am about to go devour a wonderful salad with tuna and fresh avocado on it.  Avocado is a new thing for me, and while I’m still acquiring a taste for it, I’ll admit it ain’t bad!

From The Top Of The Fence

Posted on by

4

Lately I’ve found myself perched on the fence which runs next to the road of life.  Through sunny days, rainy ones, even some that are cold and snowy, I’m just sitting here on the top, swinging my legs and thinking.  Some times I’m walking down memory lane, remembering the happy and not so happy times in my life.  Other days I am looking with great uncertainty at my future.  Then there are the days I’m just hanging on for dear life hoping not to fall off of this spot on the top rail and land on my tush in the mud puddle on the road side.

The reason I am sitting here is that I’m really uncertain which direction to go at the moment.  So many potential paths meet at this particular point on my life’s map and I just don’t know which one to start down, so I’m doing….nothing.  Wait, not true, I’m doing a lot, just in one place, not going forward down any road, or backward for the matter.  Just existing.

Confused? Me too.

I am at a growth point in my life where I know in my core there is something I am supposed to be doing and learning, right here on the fence….but what?

One of the things I am pondering, is combining my blogs.  While it may cost me some readers, it is too much to manage with my spiritual journey and life blogs.  My faith is part of me.  So, I will likely import it here and you, the faithful readers, can figure out which posts you wish to read from there on your own.

I need to simplify my life and start cutting negative people and forces from my sphere as well.

~*~

I wrote the above portion while eating lunch at work yesterday.  On the drive home I was tapped into my friend/boss, because he shoots straight but does it with the kindest of hearts and best of intentions.  He knows all of my dark secrets, the cracks in my shell, and has seen all the hues of my colorful personality and still loves me.  He has seen me at my worst, and at my best, and both make him laugh out loud.  And when he knows this powder keg personality of mine is in a situation where the potential for a huge explosion of either anger or crazy, over the top insane fun is about to occur, he just says, “Keep your clothes on, Ethel”.  That is my cue to stop, breathe, evaluate and dial down.   Though it isn’t fool-proof, it does have a tendency to cause me to at the least slow down.

So yesterday I picked his brain.  I knew that I have areas I need a little nip & tuck so to speak when it comes to improving me on the inside, I have been very resistant to examining myself.  But sooner or later that little voice gets through my very thick shell and I listen.  You cannot pray for guidance and then ignore it when it starts leaning on the doorbell to your heart.  I asked him some pointed questions about things he has said to me, knowing I was not likely to warmly embrace the answers but if I want honest input he is the one to dish it out, in bite size pieces for me to chew on.

He carefully placed a plank across the mud puddle, then helped me climb down off the fence and we started to walk down the path with the sign that says “needs attention”.  On this path we encountered “drama”.  I hate that word and wanted to turn around and run back to the fence, climb back up and pout.  But I had promised to listen with an open mind and heart, and I did ask for this, after all.  He prefaced what he said by reminding me that when it comes to people he loves and those he employees as his right arm, he doesn’t do dumb and doesn’t do boring.  Poor man, I am anything but boring, and his word, ‘colorful’, doesn’t scratch the surface.   And no I am not dumb, far from it.  I just tend to make poor choices when I’m pissed off.  I ‘react’ rather than think.  Which is what he was getting to with the drama.

He doesn’t think I am a drama queen, just that I tend to be a magnet for drama.  And when it does come my way I have a tendency to grab a stick and stir it up really good.  Oh heck, who am I kidding, I grab the industrial grade blender and set it on high, lid off so the contents go everywhere.  He did note that this only happens when someone hurts me, that it is in raw pain and emotion that I will go for the throat and rip someone’s jugular wide open and then stab them repeatedly while they are bleeding out.  I don’t know when in my life this started, though my childhood was full of being the misfit.  I am a card-carrying member of the Island Of Misfit Toys from “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer”.  I have never felt like I fit in that I can remember.  A person can only take so much being knocked down and picked on before they start lashing out.  I built up the walls around me to protect myself, and behind that tough exterior is a very insecure woman who still hears the voices of her tormentors at times.

The boss heard me described as “emotional” once by the ex, but he prefers to call it passion.  I am very passionate no doubt about it, in every area of my life from love to work to….yeah let’s not go THERE.  And he doesn’t think it is a bad thing at all, says people with passion also have a real heart.  But the passion can over flow the banks of the river of emotion and then the tsunami like damage can be done.  He also pointed out that I cannot change that, it is who and what I am.  BUT I can change how I direct and use that passion.  I don’t always have to flood the land with negative emotion. He has seen the positive emotion over flow and finds it highly amusing and fun to be around- says it is what draws folks to me, because I am full of life and compassion too.  He has helped me more than once (“Keep your clothes on, Ethel”) when what I wanted to do was shred someone verbally and so while it stung to get into this area of my character, I was able to see that I can indeed maintain who I am, not bury or hide my passion, just redirect the currents when negative emotions start the waters rising.

That  ”come to Jesus” talk came in handy, and the timing was no doubt Divinely appointed.  See, when I got home last night and settled in after work, I came across a book that was recently published.  Seems the ex-hubster’s new wife is trying her hand at writing.  All in all it was a cute story, but I was cut deep by the ‘character’ of me and how others (ie: my children) view me in her tale.  I was given the name, Zelda.  Sounds like a wicked witch name, and yes I yanked open the broom closet but couldn’t find my magic means of evil transport.  What was written hurt, a LOT.  But with the earlier discussion still warm in my ears, I resisted the urge to write a tell-all book about the ex, “the rest of the story” as Paul Harvey would say, that  would show the world he is less than the stellar, upstanding member of the community that is portrayed in her novel.  Instead, I called the Cowboy and talked to him.  Then I took a deep breath and digested it all.  I have never said an unkind word about her, and I never will.  I don’t know her well, but what I have come to know is a nice person, with a beautiful smile that goes all the way to her eyes.  I’ve tried to do the right thing in any situation where we both were present, even went well beyond that on one occasion and I’d do it again even now.  She only knows the negative and fringe, she doesn’t know ME.  She doesn’t know the me that loved my husband with every fiber of my being, that prayed for him, that was there when he was broken and ugly, that remained faithful and loyal and never spoke an unkind word about him to anyone until we divorced.  The me that still loves him very much and always will.  The me my ex loved and married, had children with, and had a marriage that he said was 90% good.  The me that wanted more than anything to be a stay at home mom, but instead missed my kids growing up years because I had to work to provide for my family when my husband could not.  The me that never gave up on him, but was tossed aside like yesterday’s newspaper by him.  He was my hero.  Once the raw pain subsided, I could be happy for him, and I am, as he seems to have found his soul mate.

I’m so thankful that I didn’t react like I initially felt, but instead dropped the dagger, sat on my pretty little fingers and waited, prayed, cried and waited some more.  The more I did this, the more I decided I rather like “Zelda”, she is someone colorful and wacky, a little looney and far from boring.  In fact, I’m even going to pimp the book:

It is an ebook, available for 99 cents on your Kindle. Click the picture to purchase.

This morning I decided to look up name meanings, and see just what Zelda means.  I like it, and in fact, embrace it, especially after sharing it with someone else who said it fits me rather well.

Your First Name of: Zelda (from the website: http://www.kabalarians.com/cfm/name-meanings.cfm)

  • Your first name of Zelda has given you a responsible, expressive, inspirational, and friendly personality.
  • Expression comes naturally to you and you are rarely at a loss for words; in fact, you have to put forth effort at times to curb an over-active tongue.
  • Self-confidence has made it easy for you to meet people and you are well-liked for your spontaneous, happy ways.
  • You sincerely like people and do not often experience loneliness; your work and home-life are likely filled with association You enjoy music and could have a fine singing voice; however, the study could be somewhat difficult because you do not find it easy to apply yourself to concentrated study for long periods.
  • In this respect, this name is not altogether constructive; it creates a somewhat scattering influence which makes it difficult for you to finish what you start.
  • This name brings disappointments and emotional involvements through being too sympathetic and easily influenced.
  • As a result of your active nature, you have an appetite for quick-energy foods, which you could consume to excess.
  • Health weakness appear as skin conditions, or as ailments relative to the liver.

Who Are You?

Posted on by

1

istock_000012608923smallWho are you who claims to be a believer?

Who are you who claims to have the love of the Lord in your heart but turns your back on the unwed daughters in the church who are pregnant? Or the sons who drove drunk and now carry a DUI and are slipping from your grasp?  Those who have practiced unfaithfulness or have  stolen or any other “grievous” sin?

Who are you to think you know what is remorse or not remorse because they didn’t stand in front of the congregation to declare their sins?  Can you SEE that their heart is hard or see that deep inside them it is breaking under the weight of their sin and they NEED you to pull them to you not shove them away until they ‘repent’ as YOU feel they should?  Who are you to claim to know their heart?

Who is embracing those who grew up in the church but have wandered when you, their church “family” does not embrace them and support them? The world you preach so hard against?

Where is the love?

The love of Christ that dined with the sinners.

Are you really any different than the Pharisees who thought they knew it all and looked down or turned their back on God’s prodigal ones?

Did Jesus make the adulteress woman go before anyone except HIM to confess her sins when she was about to be stoned? or did He show her compassion and love, and encourage her to the path that leads to Him?

Who are you to judge the heart? I thought that was God’s to do?

Where oh where is the love????

Could one person who reached out and loved from the heart, showed the love of Christ rather than shunning the lost and fallen, have made the difference?

And the gossip..oh the juicy tales passed from person to person about that fallen one, did that not make you a sinner too? Isn’t the ground level in front of the cross of Christ?  Where was the compassion and love to reach out and catch those who stumbled and help get them on the path?  Instead the gossip, the shunning,  could that be what assisted them in falling off the path and in to the pit of sin rather than just stumbling?  You who have never been down that slope, have no idea how hard it is to reach out and cry for help, trying to claw your way back up, when the doors have been seemingly closed.  The humiliation carried by the sinner and being so lost under that weight that you cannot bring yourself to reach for a brother or sister…and you wonder, as they’ve talked about you  rather than help you, is their heart going to accept you and help you if you could bring yourself to their door in search of love?  And while you ‘shun’ them, the world reaches for them, loving them, soothing their wounds, wrapping around them until they have numbed from the still, small voice, and now feel the love and acceptance of the darkness because it DID reach for them, it DID care for them, it DID embrace them when the “christian family” did not.

Surely they who fell into sin will stand before God and be judged.  But you who turned a cold shoulder, who demanded repentance instead of showing love, who watched them fall into the embrace of the world rather than embrace them in the love of Christ, won’t you too be judged for how you dealt with them?  Do you really think you will hear “Well done, good and faithful servant” any more than the ones stumbling? YOU too sin every single day with your judging of others, with your gossip, with your less than loving hearts, with those little white lies you tell and other sins of omission…one’s sin may be more evident and glaring than another, but is it any less wrong? Any less a sin?

When you discovered a brother or sister was off the path and wadding in sin, did YOU do anything?  Did you run and tell another, dial the phone to share the nugget of naughtiness? Or did you run to the fellow believer and sinner and do all you could to bring them back on the path and be restored to their walk?  Did you really show LOVE, or just legalism?

Did you fawn all over the ones who joined the flock who could say all the right Christian buzz words, talked softly with a seemingly quiet and gentle spirit, served in so many ways….only to fall and then SWIM within that lake of sin.  Yet the ones who might be rough around the edges, struggled in their walk but their desire to please and worship Christ was there but you didn’t invite them to your home, or your circle of friends, you kept them at arms length when what they needed was your love and compassion.  And yet both those you put on the pedestal and those you saw beneath it, fell into sin…because we ALL are sinners, we all need Christ.

Where, brothers and sisters in Christ, is the LOVE?

Surely you’ve heard that phrase, “you may be the only Bible some folks ever read”.  What sets you apart from the world? OTHER than your haughtiness and carrying your Bible and being able to quote a scripture or two with a pat on the back and “I’ll pray for you”.  You jet off to serve in the “mission field” rebuilding churches in a place hit with a natural disaster, all the while people sitting around you every Sunday are starving to death on the pews in need of real LOVE.  I suppose it is easier to go help a stranger, drive some nails, clean up the damage to buildings, than it is to sit down and help someone you know find their way out of the damage in their life caused by sin.  To really connect and FEEL what they are feeling.

Sure, you can give a defense if your faith is questioned.  You can explain in great detail what scripture says about sin and the need of a Savior, and tell the date you came to Christ.  But can you defend YOUR faith, your heart?  Can you honestly say you have shown true love for the brethren, got down on your knees and held a shattered brother or sister to rise above their sin?  Did you talk TO them, or just talk ABOUT them?

These are the things I am struggling with this morning when I should be at services with people that I love, worshiping my Savior.  Not only do I know those who were shunned and talked about…but I was one who did the shunning, AND… I AM THAT SINNER THAT NEEDED YOU!  I fell off the path, slipping further and further away until I was out of reach and eating with the pigs in the pigsty rather than wrapped in LOVE from my brothers and sisters.  YES some was my own heart attitude, but short of listening then quoting scripture, who reached out? Who left their comfort zone to find out what was driving that attitude, and what was pulling from the other side of the path down the slippery slope?  I pray in the future I am willing to crawl down and grasp the hand of a fellow believer who has fallen into sin, to really SHOW the love I talk about having.

You warm a pew…but are you truly the remnant spoken of in the Bible?  Having been on both sides, I fear the remnant is far smaller than I once believed.

You say you love…but where is the love?

Who are you?

 

#7, #8, #9 ~ My Grown Up Christmas List

Posted on by

0

7 8 9To see the full list click  HERE

First, let me apologize for having to put 3 together in one post.  I’ve been sick and just not feeling up to sitting down and actually engaging  my brain into a post.  Thanks to the visit to the clinic, I’m good!

#7 ~ My Friend, Cowboy

Long time readers will recall this was a man I was going to marry.  Things changed, but we are still the very best of friends.  In fact we text and talk daily and sometimes multiple times a day.  He is one of my best cheer leaders to encourage me, and I certainly hope I am one of his.

As with all the men I’ve become serious with in my life, he is one of those I believe I was meant to help fix broken pieces of their hearts and souls, but not a forever love.  Friends but not meant to be lovers and spouses.

This time of year is often very hard on those that have shattered memories.  So for Cowboy I wish for a special Christmas this year, complete with a Christmas angel.  A renewed, inner child-like spirit of the holidays that sees it all through the eyes of innocence.   For some happy memories to be made this Christmas.  For fences to be mended wherever possible, and for the love of the Lord and the joy of the Lord to be his strength.  I believe in miracles and I wish several to come his way this Christmas season.

#8 ~ My Daughter-in-Law

As her pregnancy is winding down to the end she is doing all of those last minute things around their new house to be ready when my grandson arrives.  She is swelling a bit in hands and feet and I know she is starting to get tired. I pray for peace in her heart and spirit,  lots of good solid rest leading up to the delivery.  I pray God’s angels will watch over her and my granddaughter when my son is at work, and over him while he is working, bringing him home safely to his family each day.  And for an easy, complication free delivery and a very healthy mom and baby Collin.

I’m so thankful for her and her beautiful, spunky daughter that have been added to my family, giving me the new title of grandma.

#9 ~ For My Car

I really need my car to be right now, it has been fixed for multiple issues this year.  I need it to be reliable so I can get too and from school the next 2 weeks, and then to and from my job that I will be starting in January, Lord willing.  I need it to also keep my Avon business going.  I had to let that slide for a while without a car to drive.  I really appreciate any and all prayers to this effect so that I can accomplish these things and get myself back on track financially.   I have many bills that need catching up and then back on a regular payment schedule.

Merry, Happy, Reasons For the Season

Posted on by

3

Every year at this time the Facebook statuses, tweets, photos, signs etc start appearing.  ”Keep Christ In Christmas” they say.  People get all freaked out because certain stores no longer allow employees to say “Merry Christmas”, but instead they say, “Happy Holidays”.  So what?

For years I felt that this was important too, the whole “reason for the season” concept.  After all, being raised Catholic and now a Reformed Baptist in my theology, Jesus is a big part of who I am.

And then I did my research.  It was in an effort to back up the whole “reason for the season” argument.

Seems that there were winter and pagan holiday celebrations long before Christianity infused Christ into the equation.   In fact, the church used the birth of Jesus as a way to counter those celebrations and convert pagans to their faith.  It wasn’t until a few hundred years after Jesus was crucified that the church began to celebrate His birth.  The Bible no where indicates that we are to even commemorate His birth.  The only remembrance of the Lord that we are instructed to ‘celebrate’ is His death and resurrection.  Given the detailed instructions for that, and the lack of any mention of remembering His birth, I think it safe to say that Jesus is not the reason for the season.  In fact, He was added to the season by men.

Now for my readers of faith, I am a born again believer.  And yes I do celebrate Christmas.  I do take part in church celebrations of the birth of Christ.  But I also celebrate the whole Santa Claus, Christmas trees, gift giving etc. side of this time of the year.  Our zoo decorates with over 2 million lights, and beginning tomorrow evening is the official opening of their “Festival Of Lights”.  What is amusing is that the Festival Of Lights is another name for the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah.  But countless people of faith will flock to the zoo and  walk amid the lights and decorated trees, some decked out for Christmas, without even realizing that this is not a Christian celebration.

Originally the birth of Jesus was celebrated on 1/6.  But the church moved it to line up with the countless pagan celebrations taking place on or around 12/25.

In other words…again, Jesus was not the reason for the season.  The celebrations were all in place before the church moved Christ into the mix.

Santa Claus is given god-like powers.  He sees us when we’re sleeping, knows when we’re awake, knows if we’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake.  That is all very sweet but too often it is used to keep children in line and obedient.   Great come December but what about the rest of the year?  Not to mention many of those same parents who teach their children about Santa, implying that he is real, will freak out when someone says, “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”, because it removes Christ from Christmas.  Give Santa god-like characteristics but get  upset when Jesus is ‘removed’ by virtue of a holiday greeting? Seriously?  Not to mention that the church was guilty of some pretty un-Christlike behavior through the years if you check out this post about the origins of Christmas, among countless others, when celebrating the Lord’s birth.

Sorry, hijacking myself again.

Many different ‘faiths’ and religions celebrate different things at this time of year.  Many of those were in place long before Christ was added.  He isn’t the reason for the season, He is ONE reason for the season for SOME people.  Christ is important to the Christian celebrating His birth.  Others hold this time of year as important too.  Maybe Happy Holidays is just fine, as it enables the one wishing the happiness to just wish that, HAPPINESS, to the other.  Maybe we should all just relax!

Merry Christmas

Happy Hanukkah

Happy birthday (some folks celebrate those this time of year)

Happy anniversary (and those)

Whatever you celebrate, Happy Holidays!

If I Were The Devil…

Posted on by

2

This is the work of the late Paul Harvey.

I think it speaks well for itself, first broadcast by Mr. Harvey in 1965.  Rather disturbing how on target this all is, as I believe most all of this has or is currently happening.

I will let it speak for itself.

November Goals

Posted on by

1

I joined this Linky Party on my Marvi Marti blog as well.  Different set of goals but LOVE putting it all in writing and making myself a tad more accountable!

My November Spiritual Journey Goals

  1. Read my Bible daily!  Follow the Facebook group Romans study and do it, daily!
  2. Ladies Bible Study – go every Friday, no excuses!
  3. Church on Sunday mornings – no excuses. A cold? Great, sit alone and don’t breath on anyone but go!
  4. Prayer time, daily!
  5. Catch up on the home group reading – and GO to the home group night!
  6. Write at least 3 times a week on this blog page!
  7. Finish memorizing Psalm 103.
  8. Memorize Psalm 121.

There we go, good start!

I Am New And It Rocks!

Posted on by

0

*found this in the draft section of my dashboard here on the blog, not sure why I never posted it but seems appropriate to put up tonight as I’m in the Word of God preparing for the worship services tomorrow*

I LOVE THIS SONG!!!

Back when I first returned to church, I clung to it.  Now, all the more it is perfect for me.  The lyrics speak to me.

I am not the woman I was a few months ago, or a few years ago.  The worst things you can say about me and what I have done, I won’t deny them.  In fact I freely admit in my writings on both blogs where I have been and what I have done.

I am no longer ashamed of who I was or what I did or where I have come from.

But I’m not her anymore.  In Christ we are made new, and I’m being remade daily into who I should be.

I have a long way to go, I am a work in progress.

“I Am New”

Now I won’t deny
The worst you could say about me
But I’m not defined
By mistakes that I’ve made
Because God says of me
I am not who I was
I am being remade
I am new
I am chosen and holy
And I’m dearly loved
I am newWho I thought I was
And who I thought I had to be
I had to give them both up
Cause neither were willing
To ever believe

I am not who I was
I am being remade
I am new
I am chosen and holy
And I’m dearly loved
I am new

Too long I have lived
In the shadows of shame
Believing that there
Was no way I could change
But the one who is making everything new
Doesn’t see me the way that I do
He doesn’t see me the way that I do

I am not who I was
I am being remade
I am new
I am chosen and holy
And I’m dearly loved
I am new

I am not who I was
I am being remade I am new
Dead to the old man,I’m coming alive
I am new

Forgiven beloved
Hidden in Christ
Made in the image of the Giver of Life
Righteous and holy
Reborn and remade
Accepted and worthy, this is our new name

This is who we are now…

By: Jason Gray, Joel Hanson

God’s Amazing Timing

Posted on by

2

For weeks I’ve felt a tug at this prodigal heart to return to church.  And not just any church but the church family I knew and loved in the past. The one that has prayed for me and my ex husband since we walked away years ago. The same loving faith family that welcomed me back almost 2 years ago, before I ran away again.  That same family that once again welcomes me with open arms and tears, and prayers.  Oh how they have been praying and waiting for God to bring me back on track.  Thankfully they never seem to give up.

I had started a Kay Arthur study a few weeks back, Lord, Only You Can Change Me, and also started reading again the book Dan gave me last time, The Way Back To God, Psalm 51 by Clarence Sexton.  Awesome stuff, both of them.  I actually considered working through 3 of Kay’s studies, the other two are Lord, Heal My Hurts and Lord, Give Me A Heart For You but I’m one  woman with a limited amount of hours in a day.  24, just like you.  So I figured it best to stick to those and get in them in depth and take my time chewing on each lesson.  I’m so glad I did, it’s been life changing stuff all over again. These helped me to open my heart again to focus on my faith.

Wednesday evening I went to the midweek service, which was the home groups that meet once a month.  They are starting a new book, Walking Like Jesus Did; Studies In The Character Of Christ.  I also attended the  women’s bible study Friday, and they are just kicking off, this time in Unit 3 of a great study called Gospel Transformation.  

Interesting to me how many new things are starting just as I return.  And all are things I NEED more than I ever realized.  God’s timing is so perfect.

During the past few weeks I’ve really struggled with ME.  My “it’s all about ME” attitude, the idea that my world revolves around me and “if you don’t like it take a hike” line of thinking.  PRIDE much? Yes, I know.  And then my prayer of late, “Lord I believe, help my unbelief”.  I heard that many times over in bible  study Friday, and it is nice to know that while I was away from being fed, my sisters in Christ all struggle daily with many of the same things I do.  When the ladies were doing a quick  review of the last unit and what had touched them in it and unit 1, something stuck out to me regarding the whole “ME” complex I have had.  Idolatry.

The book says, “An idol is anything we believe we need, apart from Jesus, to make us happy, satisfied, or fulfilled.  An idol arises when we desire something more than we desire Jesus; when we fear things rather than God; when we worship ourselves rather than Christ; when we put our trust in anything other than God; when we serve anything other than Jesus.”  The book provides some areas of fear, trust and desire that may be idols to us.  All I can say is wow.  SO many areas that I could check off either in a direct or indirect way.  It is suffice to say that ME has to get bumped aside.  I  know this, knew it weeks ago, and I have to do away with my self centered thinking.  But first comes the root of this ME idol.  That root would be pain.  The pain I still carry around and even cling too, of my divorce.  I am not so sure that I wanted to hurt, as that it is just familiar, like my teddy bear, so I can hold it.  Do I still feel I was wronged? Certainly. But what does it matter? It is done, over and I needed to let it go.  Forgiveness didn’t come easy, but in the past few weeks I truly was able to just let it go and accept the healing that comes from God and not anything of myself.

Before I made the journey back last week, I knew it was not about me anymore. It was about Christ and my walk with Him.  This time when I went it didn’t just feel like ‘home’, this time it felt like I had never left.  I realized at one point that I had to remind myself I had been away a long time, because it felt as if I had never left there and had just been there last week.  And while  kids have grown up and there are been changes to people, so much still felt the same, as if there had been no absence for me.  That was when I realized that I am right where I belong.  And as I sat there, taking it all in, wearing my Harley Davidson long sleeved, v-neck shirt and jeans, with my wild, bleached blond hair, I knew that I can still be me, who I am.  I don’t need to lose the person God created, that Marti is who she is because she was fearfully and wonderfully made.  God doesn’t want me to not be an individual, He wants me to be HIS individual.

I Color Outside Of The Lines

Posted on by

2

I am an oldest child.  My poor parents cut their parenting teeth on me, and survived not only me but 3 more offspring.  They did well though, no one ended up in jail and we’re all pretty responsible members of society.  At  least we fake that part well most of the time :)

I have always been one that is a tad different, maybe even eccentric at times.  I tend to think out side of the box, dance to the beat of an odd drummer, and I color outside of the lines.  All this is a good thing, or can be, if I keep it under the lens of a biblical perspective.  On the simplest of terms, what would Jesus do.  I am not overly fond of that WWJD thing but it works for now.  Perhaps it would be better said, what would a daughter or son of the Most High do, what is the most Christ like, God honoring thing to do?   I love jewelry that is crowns, but not because I think I’m the self-appointed queen of anything.  I love crowns because they remind me that I’m the daughter of the King of the Universe, and that one day every crown I’ve earned will be cast lovingly at the feet of my Savior in heaven.  I wear a cross necklace not to tell everyone around me that I’m a believer (my behavior should do that), but so that when I see it in the mirror, I am reminded to look closely and be sure my reflection is mirroring my Lord and Savior.

Nearly 2 years ago I returned to my home church briefly.  It seemed like a good idea at the time, and it was but I let too much get in the way of it being the life line.  Part of issue I had was that when I went back expecting things to be as I left them, and they were not.  When we left it was “Pete and Marti with the party”.  When I returned it was a solo,  emotionally and spiritually battered mess.  I left and it was various friends, one couple in particular.  I returned and our former best buds were divorced and it was him alone in the pew with his kids.  Other members had left, and there were many new faces.  Then as I was trying to regain my spiritual footing in the midst of feeling judged (my heart issue), a former friend turned enemy decided to send my pastor an email making sure the church knew that they had a wretched sinner among them.  She, claiming to be a born again, God-fearing believer herself, wanted to be certain it was known that I was a former swinger, and that I had ‘attacked’ her on twitter.  It rocked the boat for me just too much.  The wounds of losing my husband in a divorce, the former dear friend turned enemy, the attempts to smear and attack (not to worry they already knew about where I had been), I was unstable and just didn’t last long there before going all lone ranger Christian.  How did that work out for me? Not so good as you can well imagine.

Here I am now, just 2 months shy of the 2 year mark of trying to return, but this time I went back ready.  I am prepared for the storm of judgment and attacks that may or may never come my way, either from others there, others in my life, or that former friend who herself is neck deep still in that swinger lifestyle.  My heart is very aware of where it needs to be each Sunday.  I’m back to being in God’s Word every day, or that is the goal.  I openly admit I miss one now and then but most days it is the case and I’m in the middle of some good bible studies that help too in reaffirming my faith.  This time I’m prepared to stick it out, because I’m not here for anyone by me and the Lord.  I’m there to worship Him, and be fed.  Anyone having an issue with my past, or how I dress, or my wild, bleach blond hair, well that is their issue not mine.  That is between them and God to deal with, not me.

Sadly, when one lives a life of coloring outside of the lines, they leave themselves open for other people to judge.  Okay even those that color meticulously inside of the lines also are objects of others scrutiny.  Anytime you are different from those around you that is just human nature to pick it apart.  Different draws attention.  But different is not always a bad thing.

I dare to be the line pusher, rule breaker and that can be both bad and good.  I have always colored outside of the lines, but not always in a good way.  When we sin we color outside of the clear lines set down by the Lord in His precious Word.  That is a big mistake.  It causes damage, it is sin, and sin always has consequences.  But when I stay within God’s lines, yet color outside of man’s lines? Well that can be a good thing.

I’m going to be doing a series of posts about coloring outside of the lines.  Some will be about my journey off the path and into the pig pen, some will be about my journey back home as a prodigal daughter.  Both are really one big picture of coloring outside of the lines.  But maybe, just maybe, when I’m done, you can see that it isn’t always a sin when the color goes past the boundary, sometimes it can be a beautiful picture if you stand back and look with an open mind.

The Dating Diaries ~ Taking Down Walls From Inside Out

Posted on by

1

I just got home from an amazingly superb weekend.

Remember The Biker?  He scaled the wall of my garden, not bothering to  knock at the gate.  He met me years ago, and has spent the past 4 or so years just observing me and watching me from a distance.  Twice I’ve been very close to going to work for his company.  He decided the time is right and came over the wall, and has started taking a sledge hammer  to that wall from the inside out.

Yes, he IS a biker, the real deal.  He is a bad boy, rebel type.  He is a very good man.

If you met him some days you’d see a business owner, professional and polite to his customers.  Demanding but fair  with his employees.  Very much a type ‘A’ personality, driven and determined.  An  extremely generous and kind soul that would give someone his last dollar and the shirt off of his back if they were in need.  You would see a man that bought stuff from a ‘homeless’ down trodden man today because the poor soul needed money.  And then this man that carries his Bible everywhere he goes, took time to share Christ with the guy who was down on the luck.  I listened to him speak of his Lord and Savior and it was quite apparent that he is a man with a heart that follows Christ.  He talked of his work with troubled youth, trying to help get them on the right path in life.  Seeing this side of him you’d be quite taken.  I watched his friend’s children jump into his arms and hug this gorilla  like teddy bear of a guy.

See him in his  leathers and he  might scare you.  He looks ‘shady’ to many, and because he is a biker they assume the worst.  And yet walking  through a store I watched children who are complete strangers to him ‘knock the rock’ /fist bump him, smile at him and adore this gentle giant.  While waiting to meet up with friends one evening outside of a bar, as a really questionable looking guy was walking my way,  The Biker stepped between me and the on comer in a very casual, non-threatening way to put his protective self between this individual and me.  When someone became drunk and disorderly at the bar later, I watched him get up, talk with the bar tender, then gently, yet firmly,  help this obnoxious guy on his way out of the door.

I was treated like  royalty.  I’ve never known such a gentle touch.  I listened to someone share and pour  out his heart, I looked into the eyes of a gentle giant who, like me, is a free spirit, does his own thing, within the limits of the law, and who thinks I am, and I quote, “beautiful, adorable, a princess, a flower, a great woman and person”.  My needs and wants came first.  He wants to not watch me soar, but wants to fly next to me.  He adores my spunk, my ‘attitude’, my curvy self, everything.

If  this is a dream….I don’t want to wake up!

Understand…

Posted on by

0

I really intended for 2012 to be the year I went back to church.  I boxed up all of my excuses at the end of 2011.  Here we are 6 Sundays passed and I have yet to attend.  I had planned to return to my old church and try it again, but then I didn’t.  I let another person’s judgmental attitude toward me become my excuse.

It isn’t that I do not wish to be in a body each Sunday and worship the Lord.  I know that I’m not there for me, I am there for the teaching, for the time of worship and for the fellowship with other believers.  But it is hard when people judge you.  Even if you did in fact do some not so godly things, in fact out and out sinful ones.

It did not help to be in the midst of my “crazy time” after the divorce.  I thought I was all healed up emotionally and mentally and ready to face the world and start over.  I could not have been more incorrect.  Echos of “you are a nut case, everyone thinks so” rattling through my head.  I was not and am not a nut case.  But yes I did act crazy, it is what the divorcing people do, especially those that do not want to be getting divorced.

I never wanted that divorce, I believe that anyone who calls themselves a believer cannot possibly justify a divorce anymore than they will be able to justify gay marriage.  Yet those that are believers have a tendency to only apply God’s Word as a menu to fit themselves.

I had to come to terms with the failed marriage and the many very sinful ways of life my ex and I led and going to church only made that harder when others there were looking down their noses and judging me for things I was doing now.  I don’t need anyone questioning my walk.  I’m a sinner, saved by God’s grace, but I am very much in need of my Savior.  I was before I was saved, I was before I walked off the path, I was as I was off the path and I am as a prodigal child trying to make my way back on that path.  Don’t expect sinners to act like something other than what we are, sinners.  But rather than being quick to judge, slip off those holier than thou  shoes and walk  a while in mine.  Come talk to me, know where I have been, see what I saw, hear what I heard, then perhaps you will understand and not be so fast to judge but instead walk out the love of Christ to me when I need it most.

Thankfully, my Lord and Savior doesn’t call the perfect, the ones in those holy shoes…He calls the ones  who are sick and dying in their sin to come to Him.  And out of a pit of hell and sin my hand was up and searching from the darkness to find my way back from the wilderness.

I don’t know how a believer can stumble so far down to where I was for years, but I know that I’m not there anymore.  And that when temptation dances past me to return it makes me sick to my stomach.  I know I cannot go back.  For now, I sit in the middle of the path and hope and pray to find a body of believers that can look past the outside and understand that I come back, a prodigal, that can offer much in the  way of ministering to others that fell from the path and rolled down the hill into the swamps of sin.

I do not know where that came from, I saw it on someone’s Facebook or Pinterest, but it expresses how I feel.

I’ll be in church this weekend, somewhere.  I haven’t  made a decision but I will go and keep going until I find the place I can call home.

What Brought You Back?

Posted on by

0

I’ve been asked this a lot recently, especially by some of the younger adults, the ones I taught in Kids Club or assisted in the Jr./Sr. High Youth Group…What brought you back?  They didn’t really know much other than one day me and my family just up and left.  We turned in our membership certificates and walked away from our church family.  In the years that I’d been away, close to 6 years it would seem, much water has passed under the bridge.  That water was mostly dark and polluted, clouded with a lot of sin and sinful ways of life.

The better question would be, what kept me away?

In a word:  Pride (aka: self love)

Nothing but pride can really be to blame.  Sin took me away, pride held me there.  My heart, that most deceitful part of me, turned me from what I knew was sound and right, and took me on a long and twisted path through a very dark and godless place.

There were many reasons that we chose to leave our church family, but each boils down to one thing, ME.  Issues with the music (it was too slow for me, all those hymns, not upbeat enough or contemporary enough), the teaching (I felt unfed and uninterested) the people (hypocrits, gossips, unloving). I wasn’t living a Christ honoring life, there was a private, sinful side that was well hidden from everyone, that I entertained.  Sure I went where my spouse went, and I could easily point a finger in judgment and blame him, but then no one put a gun to my head either.  One can carry that whole submission to your spouse thing too far when it is used to cover your sin.  And for a while, when dissatisfied in that dark way of life, I inwardly tried to cover my sin with that.  At any time I could have walked away.  I blamed the music, people, teaching, ex..when in reality the problem was within me, my own sinful heart.

First…submission ends at sin’s door.  I have no problem being the godly wife that submits to the husband’s authority.  But when the leader/head of the wife begins down a wrong path, that is  right where the submission ends.  I was enticed by sin and once it was conceived in my heart it gave birth to a wretched way of life of my own chosing.  I should never have taken those first steps, which started with the mind with fantasy.  What is it about God’s people that when they fall, sins of a sexual nature are where we stumble?  Maybe because the most intimate display of love for each other is the one most used by the devil.  Once you destroy that fabric,  the physical bindings of the marriage, the rest will unravel.  Trust me on this, it is true. 

When I focused on MY likes and dislikes, rather than on the Lord,  I was no longer on solid ground, I was standing on sinking sand.  See, the worship service isn’t about me at all. It is about GOD, it is about WORSHIP.  Worship of the Lord, adoration and praise of my Savior, not about me.  I focused on ME, not Jesus.  My heart was in a wrong place outside of the church, already on a road to destruction.  I had  taken my eyes of Christ and put them on me.  He was no longer the object of my passion, I was.  Worshiping the Lord  through music  isn’t about the beat, how fast or how slow, how old or how contemporary….it is about the content of the words I’m singing to God.  Those words of the old hymns are timeless treasures.  But I was hung up on me and missed that.  YES there are many wonderful contemporary songs, but the point is not the music, it is the words I am singing, from the heart, that matter.

God’s word, no matter what passage, is right, holy and perfect.  But I wasn’t leading a life that sought His Word, I was seeking my own desires.  I began to find fault with the teaching, then the teacher, the elders, and the church family.  The further away I withdrew, the quieter that still, small voice of God  within grew, until I could no longer hear it at all.  I heard instead my own thoughts, desires, and followed myself.

There were times that the Lord sent a  gentle nudge my way to bring me back.  A brief light pierced the darkness but I shyed away. Light uncovers things and I certainly did not want anyone to see my sins, so I turned away and hid.  I knew in my heart of hearts that I was far from home, squandering the priceless gifts God had given me, but caught up in the sin it was hard to go back.  The further away I got, the more I sinned.  When at last I brushed off the last of that sinful way and turned around, pride got in the way for a while.  I was terrified of being judged.  I knew that many were aware of where I had been. 

I feared what others that might know would say, what people might think.  When I left I was married and  my spouse had  sat as chairman of the deacon board. We had been very active in the body of believers, and now I was divorced and smelled of the pig pen I had been living in, my sin.  Pride  wouldn’t allow me to take the steps to return.

Thankfully a dear friend (actually many) had prayed long and hard since the day we left.  This one dear friend was nearing the end, ready to give up and accept that perhaps I wasn’t meant to come back.  God was faithful to her, and the others, and when she was reaching the point, His divine  intervention allowed circumstances to roll into place and we reconnected.  The Lord used her and my favorite comfort food, to open the door and let the light shine inside my heart again.  Instead of hiding it, I confessed it.  And I listened to the wisdom of God, shared through this beautiful vessel of my long lost sister in Christ, and it grabbed hold.

2 days later I walked back into my former church.  I was very apprehensive and afraid of being judged.  Again,  pride got in there.  I have nothing to fear of the judgment of others, believers or not.  I have a judgement coming my way, we all do,  one I need to be concerned about, and that  was only a piece of what she had shared over dinner.  Nothing I wasn’t aware of, just nothing I was thinking about as I should have been.  The Father is gracious to His children, and as I entered those doors my heart and soul knew peace.  I felt  like the prodigal child come home.  There may have been those that stood in judgment that day, but I never saw them.  I instead saw open arms,  warm embraces, and no shortage of tears of joy that I was home again. 

I want so much to say to those young people who have slipped away, the ones whose parents I now worship with once more….swallow your pride, put to death the self, and please, come home again.

Ever Seeking

Posted on by

1

Being sick derailed me a bit, I missed church 2 Sundays and a Wednesday thanks to the cold/sinus infection/flu bug…whatever that was.  But today I was there and SO thankful.  Great Sunday school lesson on eschatology and a great sermon on the two cups, one of God’s wrath and one of the blessings to the believer.  I was so thankful pastor opted to preach first today, and hold  communion until after the sermon.

I really needed to think hard about the wrath that was poured out on Christ for my sins, a cup He prayed and asked the Father if there be any other way at all to let it pass when in the garden the night before He was crucified.  God’s wrath toward our sin must be unimaginable.  Equally the cup of blessing to those that are redeemed by the blood that was spilled under that wrath, must be unimaginable.

The teaching time was very important to my considering if I take my sin too lightly.  The answer of course is yes.  I needed that  focus before  communion, to pray and refocus on my walk.  The more I seek God, the more I will see my sin for what it is and turn from it.  I will not do it perfectly.  I will slip, stumble and fall.  But I will keep brushing myself off, standing back up, and continuing to walk on the road less traveled.

Ever seeking.

I Am Wonderfully Made

Posted on by

1

There are times when I really can beat myself up like no one else could.  I am without a doubt my own worst critic and when I get on a roll it is so easy to rip myself apart  from one end  to the other, finding fault in everything I think,  say or do.  I’ve made  enough mistakes in my life that I have plenty of ammunition for the assault on myself, so I need no assistance from others.  Though often it is others that trigger it, and there is nothing that can get under my skin like someone finding fault with me.  I  spent a lot of years with self esteem that  was almost non-existent so it pains me a lot when someone dislikes me, especially when I don’t really understand why.

But then I remember that my worth is not in the minds of others around me.   My worth is not really even my own.  Any value is in Christ.  God sees me through the blood of His beloved Son, making me priceless, and whole, and perfect.  In Christ I am everything I should be, though that perfection won’t be seen this side of eternity, it is there.  And it is now how I try to steer my thinking about myself.  As my favorite Jason Gray song says, “I am not defined by mistakes that I’ve made”.  And I’m not. I’m defined by who I am now with renewed faith. 

Psalm 139 says that I am ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’.  WONDERFULLY made, and that God  knew everything about me down to how many days I will be on this earth, long before I ever was conceived.  I would say that makes me pretty darn spectacular, mistakes and all.  Jason’s song goes nicely with this Psalm, which is one of my very favorites!

Psalm 139 (New King James Version)

 

Psalm 139

For the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David.

 1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
 2 You know my sitting down and my rising up;
         You understand my thought afar off.
 3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,
         And are acquainted with all my ways.
 4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
         But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
 5 You have hedged me behind and before,
         And laid Your hand upon me.
 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
         It is high, I cannot attain it.
         
 7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
         Or where can I flee from Your presence?
 8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
         If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
 9 If I take the wings of the morning,
         And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
 10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
         And Your right hand shall hold me.
 11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall[a] on me,”
         Even the night shall be light about me;
 12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
         But the night shines as the day;
         The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
         
 13 For You formed my inward parts;
         You covered me in my mother’s womb.
 14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b]
         Marvelous are Your works,
         And that my soul knows very well.
 15 My frame was not hidden from You,
         When I was made in secret,
         And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
 16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
         And in Your book they all were written,
         The days fashioned for me,
         When as yet there were none of them.
         
 17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
         How great is the sum of them!
 18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
         When I awake, I am still with You.
         
 19 Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God!
         Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.
 20 For they speak against You wickedly;
         Your enemies take Your name in vain.[c]
 21 Do I not hate them, O LORD, who hate You?
         And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
 22 I hate them with perfect hatred;
         I count them my enemies.
         
 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
         Try me, and know my anxieties;
 24 And see if there is any wicked way in me,
         And lead me in the way everlasting. 

Make Way For Sister Mary Martha?

Posted on by

0

graur razvan ionut / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Make way, Sister Mary Martha coming through! You can all relax now, no more panic, it is I, ‘the h0ly one’ as someone from my past recently was seen to have referred to me.

OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD REALLY?????

Okay brace yourselves, I am about to burst the Saint Marti bubble.

First, take  note of my halo…what you don’t see it?  Maybe cause there just isn’t one? If there is, it would be beyond the ability of any polish to clean that tarnished circle!  I don’t have a halo around my head, my thoughts are not all that holy.  Wanna talk about a work in progress?  “Dear Lord, I pray You will rain down blessings and riches, right after someone shoves him out in front of a passing train.”  See? Proper thought life is still under construction!

Wings? Like angel wings? LOLOLOL, no bells going off around me, so no angel  getting her wings.  Well unless you count falling down in the bathtub as flying…and considering my landing was less than soft and gentle, in fact it left the bruise  from hell on my knee, I’m thinking we’re an eternity away from and fluttering from cloud to cloud.

“Let no unwholesome word proceed out of your mouth….”  um..yep that area is still requiring intense divine intervention, thee holy bar of soap with which to wash out the mouth.  I’m still making truckers blush though not as often.  But when I do let loose with a string of obscenities I hold nothing back.

No bible thumping here.   If I want to make a point I’ll use a baseball bat and beat it into ya! Don’t want to hurt my bible, it is 27 years old and thumping on ya with it could hurt the binding and rip the pages!

I won’t be pointing out the spec in your eye, dear reader, or  sweeping in front of any one else’s door.  I have an orchard of sorts to remove from my own line of sight,  and it is going to take a bulldozer to clean up in front of my door.

My faith is important to me,  and now that I’m back to SEEKing (my word of the year there, SEEK) it IS a focus, but those writings are on my other page, and nothing about that page or those posts is likely to get me through the pearly gates either.

Holy one….ROFLMFAO, a holy hot mess maybe, but don’t be sprinkling holy water on me, it WILL sizzle and burn on my skin.  I am far from holy, only a work in progress!

I’ll be nice, and pray for that  person, okay?

*did I just hear a train????*

The Year Of Drastic Change -2010 In Review

Posted on by

6

As this year comes to a close I’ve been reflecting on all the things that have changed in the landscape of my life over this past 12 months. In hind sight I can see that it was all a blessing but at the time much of it was happening it seemed like anything but for my good. I’ve also been reflecting on things that I want to change in the coming year, more like goals rather than resolutions. Resolutions seem to never be kept but realistic goals often do.

January – And So It Ends: My year began with an ending, the ending of my nearly 22 year marriage and 23 year relationship with my husband.  I was still in shock when I made my only post for January, from the announcement he made in the middle of the month that he wanted out and that it was all my fault.  Seems he could not deal with my anger issues that I really never accepted had existed up until that point.  I don’t for a minute believe that excuse, but I did seek medical help and was diagnosed with a serotonin imbalance that is easily kept in check with medication.  It was the beginning of this blog page, as my other one about being a Fire Wife was now obsolete.

February – The Drama Unit Is Formed, My First Major Step of Independence and The Dream House all chronicled some of the first stages in my spreading my wings to fly from the castle where I had lived with my Prince Charming who turned out to be a major fraud, in my opinion.

March – The shock was wearing off and reality setting in as I felt Homeless within my own house, and not yet part of the household of the Divas.

April – This month saw some realization and a turning point mentally and emotionally for me in my Ah Ha Moment and also seeing myself as aggressive rather than a passive victim, Don’t Call Me A Survivor regarding my circumstances.  It was a month of growth inwardly and anticipation of our big move into the new house.

May – The Divas Uncorked life in our new home on the first of the month, and I became a Reformed Cat Hater as I was given a kitten as a heart band-aid. Nurturing and loving her  little orphaned self did wonders for me.

June – We saw the end of a local icon, as Touch Down Jesus burned When Something Wicked This Way Came, our first major stormy night at the Diva Den, and I started a weekly post Wine & Cheese Wednesday where I ‘whine’ a bit each week about pet peeves and such.  It will return in the new year, I have been taking a break during December from my regular posts.

July – Summer brought about a new attitude in me, and I finally reached the point where I got angry and wrote my reply to my Soon To Be Ex Though Not Soon Enough when he asked why I was so angry at him. I realized then his hold over me had broken. I also had my 100th Blog Post and shared a bit more detail about my wonderful, awesome, perfectly imperfect self.

August -The Ink Was Dry and The Chapter Closed on my marriage with the final hearing and granting of our divorce. Later that day Lord Voldemort, as my now former husband is known in the Diva Den, blocked me from being able to text or call him and the house phone had been disconnected. I also came to realize that the Someone who has made my life worth living for was no one other than myself, another major step toward healing! The very end of the month, the final weekend, Mr. Wonderful/TSASA (Twisted Steel And Sex Appeal) walked back into my life and so began my learning to eat my words about never loving again.

September - I made some decisions about my life in determining only to allow those Who Are Willing To Ride The Bus with me when my limo is broken down to get close to me from now on. I also had one last major confrontation with the ex, at which point I realized, I DIRECT MY LIFE NOW and I really don’t give a flying frog’s butt what he thinks.

October – As Autumn had set in it became Time For Some Pruning in my life, and a follow up Landscaping Of My Life, as while I had already removed the sinful, dark parts of my life I needed to finish off the final traces of that way of life as I began moving closer to my return to a right path in life.

November – I faced head on The Monster Within me and accepted the harsh reality that I cannot drink alcohol, especially on my medication which intensified the issues, and not cause serious damage to the relationships around me. I have not had a drink since Thanksgiving, don’t crave or miss it, and in fact over all feel much better.

December – And this month has ushered in many changes for me in going ‘home’ where All Is Right In My World, how I’d plan out my Last Meal if given the chance, enjoying my ongoing relationship with Mr. Wonderful, and now facing the unknown ahead as my mother’s cancer has returned. I’ve been embraced by my church family, have a mentor of sorts in my wonderful friend, Jane, who keeps me accountable and prays for me and my feet are back on the firm foundation of my Savior.

My Goals For The Coming Year

I have set a few goals that I hope are realistic for this coming year.

*Beginning 1/1/11 I will make every effort to avoid mentioning my ex-husband in my blogs, and if it is necessary will try to make it as positive and brief as possible.  I must thank him for setting me free, as I’ve gotten to know me all over again, found someone very special that thinks I am pretty incredible even with all of my flaws, and I found out that there is a better life outside of the palace.  This  will thrill the diaper off Lord Voldemort as he actually calls my mommy to tell on me when I post something he doesn’t like!  Comical isn’t it?  He needs to grow up and grow a pair very badly and try talking to me (not cussing a blue streak but COMMUNICATING like an adult).  I’m 47yo, I’ll post what I want, when I want, you lost the right to tell me what to do on 1/15/10 when you asked for a divorce.  ::raises my glass:: here is to hoping karma continues to chomp your butt as it has since I moved out, and that you grow up some day, little boy. *CHEERS*  (okay NOW I feel better and will pray it doesn’t keep chomping)

*I have a goal to focus on the health of my soul, feeding it by being at church for both services on Sundays, the mid-week prayer meeting, and be in the Word daily for feeding my soul and memorizing passages.  I revamped my other blog page into a positive place for my Spiritual Journey, taking something dark and sinful and making it honoring to God.

*I fully intend to allow this relationship with Mr. Wonderful to bloom and grow at its own pace, doing it RIGHT this time, and keeping it Christ centered.  We may not always do it right, but my goal is to strive for that.

*And to take better care of myself, start walking at least every other day, and drink 64 ounces of water a day.

It IS The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

Posted on by

4

At least I think it is, I love Christmas time.  I love that it looks like a white Christmas is going to be on the menu this year.  I love that I am in a house full of women that love this holiday as much as I do, not a Scoorge in the bunch, not so much as a Bah Humbug to be heard around the Diva Den.  And I LOVED this weekend.

Actually it was a great week.  Tuesday evening I had dinner out with Stan, my Mr. Wonderful, my Mr. Twisted Steel And Sex Appeal.  Then I got to see him again on Thursday evening to snuggle up by the Christmas tree and just enjoy each others company.  I saw him again Friday for a bit in the afternoon, (BIG happy face and dance).  Last night he took me to the Festival Of Lights, one of my favorite activities around the holidays.  We walked around enjoying the lights and sharing cinnamon covered roasted almonds (I LOVE those things).  It was the best year I’ve seen there, so much color, so many more lights than before, and the hand holding mine all night and the kisses in hidden places in the zoo made it very special.  Then he took me to dinner and broadened my food horizons a bit (I’m kinda stuck in a Chipotle rut) with Indian food.  I wasn’t even sure what to try, I did not recognize anything in front of me at all.  He had me try a number of things on the buffet and I even got gutsy and went with goat curry.  I wasn’t disappointed, it was all very good and I could eat that again!  After dinner we went back to my house and snuggled on the love seat near the tree again.  With him rubbing my head while being wrapped up in his arms, I drifted off to sleep a bit feeling so peaceful and happy.   I am either going to be in for a world of hurt or the best thing that ever happened to me, because that man has my heart wrapped around his little finger.

Today I got up and went to Sunday School and morning worship, and was so glad!   Once again a great lesson and message!  I then came home and munched on home made granola from Jane and started reading a book Dan bought for me, The Way Back To God, through Psalm 51.  He wrote a note inside the cover that just means the world to me.   I love them, they are such awesome friends and I so appreciate their love and prayers right now. It is so good to be back there again, where it feels like home.  Jane quizzed me on my progress memorizing Psalm 103 and I really need to get on that. No reason not to be adding several verses a day  to my memory, it is not that long and is one of my all time favorites.

This  afternoon my baby girl came to see me and go shopping.  It is hard to shop for her for clothes, her taste varies so much and I’m never sure what she will like. So today she came along and picked some things.  She ended up picking a few clothing items,  then ended up with other stuff unrelated to attire.  But she is so cute and loves the whole shopping and being spoiled, which makes it so much fun to take her along.  After we had enough of the shopping experience we stopped for dinner (gee can you guess where? Like maybe  Chipotle?) and then I dropped her at the boyfriend’s house.  Oh, but not before we went to Petsmart so she could buy presents for her dogs, because they of course are aware it is Christmas, according to her, and would be disappointed of Santa passed them by.  20 years old with the heart of a child, I love that part of  her.

Now I am sitting here listening to my WoodWick candle (I LOVE those things), smelling the Cinnamon Sugar Cookie aroma from it and enjoying my new jammies.  I couldn’t resist them, my addiction to pajamas and there they were, all cute and on sale.  :)    I have laundry in (again, the never ending task), and enjoying a cup of coffee and cocoa.  I cannot wait for  Christmas, 3 days of fun with my family that I so very much love, and a visit or two from Mr. TSASA.  My life is SO very blessed and full of joy!!  I love being me! :)