Tag Archives: God

Friday Confessional

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photo HighHeeledLove_zpsbbcc137c.jpg

WOOHOO!!!!

It is F-R-I-D-A-Y baby!!!!

Confession, it is said, is good for the soul, so let’s get started!

I confess…

I am just about dancing on the ceiling!  Okay so I know it is likely water weight but when the numbers on the scale begin to DECREASE I get happy and very very motivated.  3 pounds down this morning and that is making all this water (I could seriously row to work) worth it.  And giving up my wine for flavored water, and measuring everything that is going into my mouth.  Next step is to add in walking.  I WILL beat my mom, sister, and sis-in-law in Biggest Loser score.

I confess…

Tonight it will be hard to be good.  Train ride, dinner, all with a dear friend and my kids and their SO’s.  But I WILL make an effort.  It is the start of ‘pre-partying’ or ‘tailgating’ for my 50th next Friday.  By good I do mean watching what I eat and drink.  I mean it, I have every intention of being very careful.  And grandma used to say the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  I’m screwed.

I confess…

That wine glass from yesterday’s post?  I should have stayed off of that website.  SO many amazing ones to chose from.

I confess…

When I was out with my friend last Saturday, the topic of Internet dating came up as that is how we originally met.  I got to strolling down memory lane, wondering what fodder was there for my novels in the making.  I have to say that it was fun, meeting so many men and enjoying conversation.  But there were a few horror stories in there as well.  It could make for a great book in and of itself if not a few chapters.  So, for shits and giggles, I checked to see if my profiles were still there, and they were inactive but accessible, so I activated them.  Holy Mother Of Freak Parades, into my mailbox came the full blown marching band.  Thankfully I’m able, due to past experiences, to weed through the clowns and ring masters to find the truly REAL and nice guys on these sites.  They are few and far between.  NO I am not looking to date, was just curious, and yes I know all about the cat and curiosity.

I confess…

I am about to go devour a wonderful salad with tuna and fresh avocado on it.  Avocado is a new thing for me, and while I’m still acquiring a taste for it, I’ll admit it ain’t bad!

A Soothing Balm For My Soul

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I was laying in bed this morning checking my phone and pondering life with a pre-coffee brain.  Yes, this can be very dangerous, but today it went well.

I don’t recall the dream I was having in any detail just before my cat landed on the bed, scaring the snot out of me and waking me up, but the song that was playing in the dream was still in my head.  Helen Reddy’s, You And Me Against The World.  While it was released 10 years before he was born, for some reason when my son was little it was pretty popular on one of the radio stations I was frequently tuned too.  The song immediately takes me back to my apartment, sitting in my “Morticia” chair (those wicker ones like Morticia sits in at the beginning of “The Adams Family” tv show) with my son curled up in my lap.  He was all of 18 months old, with big blue eyes and shaggy blond hair that needed a trim, but I didn’t have the heart to clip off his baby curls just yet.  The song was on and I was singing it to him, and if I close my eyes I can still feel him snuggled up to me, completely unaware of the troubles that surrounded us at the time.

Music fascinates me with its power to transport us to another time and place, pulling memories of events long ago recorded in the brain and forgotten.  Different smells and tastes will pull open various file drawers in our mind too, and with those recollections the full emotion that was felt at the time is easily recalled as well.

Roast beef and chunks of potato – I’m at Grandma B’s with aunts, uncles and cousins…everywhere!  Smarties candy and mint iced tea in a colored, aluminum cup will take me there too.

Supertramp’s song, Take The Long Way Home comes on and I am 16yo, in the maternity home, out to there pregnant.  My black and white radio sitting on my desk, which faces out of the window of my room, and I’m working on my algebra home work totally NOT understanding it.

And Can It Be is a great hymn, and every time I hear it or sing it in church I’m back on the second pew at Bible Chapel, my ex is standing by the piano, singing it solo for the special music portion of the service, and his voice is cracking as he fights tears, the words impacting him.

The smell of cinnamon brings thoughts of Christmas that are just too numerous to list.

Orange slice gum drops and I’m back on Annie Erdman’s back steps getting our daily candy treat from her, “quota” as she called it, along with my siblings and some of the neighbor kids.  Those orange, candy peanuts land me there too on the gray painted surface of her back porch.

Dustin Lynch comes on the radio, singing Cowboys and Angels and I’m at Sunset Grill, under the stars, sipping a beer and enjoying a burger with Ralph.  Suddenly he is on his feet and pulls me to mine, and we make our own dance floor right there by our table, dancing to ‘our song’.

Today music is a soothing balm for my troubled soul.  I have a wonderful CD from my friend, Jane, that she gave me when I first came back to church a few years ago, The Shadow Of Your Wings by Fernando Ortega.  Her son sang one of the songs on a Sunday morning to open the worship service. This collection of music is a lot of Hymns in arrangements that are very different than the originals, as well as many scripture passages put to song.  I can meditate on God’s Word through most of these songs, very powerful the impact on my heart right now.

One song in particular stands out as I’m writing, the words are from Psalm 19:14 and Philippians 4:8

Psalm 19:14

New King James Version (NKJV)

14 Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
Be acceptable in Your sight,
O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer.

Philippians 4:8

New King James Version (NKJV)

14 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things arepure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.

Saturday Coffee Musings…

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Coffee cup with steamAnti-Stress & 31 oils in the diffuser - CHECK!

Relaxing Celtic harp music playing in the background – CHECK!

Hot cup of coffee within reach – CHECK!

Okay I can muse now.  :)  It is the weekend and for a change I have N-O-T-H-I-N-G I have to do.   No workshop, hair, nails or other appointments.  It’s all about doing not-a-darn-thing and I’m liking it.

Before I go any further, I wanted to explain that, upon seeing the movie, “Wreck-It Ralph” with Cowboy and my granddaughter, he and I jokingly refer to each other as Vanellope and Ralph.  We both related well to those characters.  He is actually more a blend of Ralph and Fix-It Felix.  Built a lot like Ralph, he goes on a job site and ‘wrecks’ it (rips out the damage), before his Felix side fixes the water/fire/storm damage.  He used to build houses, and has a very impressive portfolio of designer homes and buildings to his name, all over the world.  He is often misunderstood, like Ralph, but has a heart of gold.  Me…I relate to being a ‘glitch’.  I am a bona-fide misfit of sorts.  But remember, that glitch turns out to be a princess after all.  As I roll through this life I do have to remind myself at times that while I am a glitch, I’m the daughter of the King, the creator of this world, and while a prodigal one at that, I AM a princess.

Last night I had a few drinks and popcorn with my mom and niece, and fell asleep on mom’s bed while we all watched TV.  Earlier in the day I had received a call  from my other niece to check on me and be sure I was okay.  I am very fortunate to have a family that wraps around one of its own and loves them through the boo-boos life inflicts at times.

Ralph has checked on “Vanellope” a few times too, concerned about my heart and mind being bruised from the book I mentioned yesterday, and the unkind character assassination written of me.  Over many miles on his Harley (nearly 5,000) and many beers he has listened as I have shared my pain over not being with the ex, losing my home, and the close contact I had with my kids when I lived there.  My fun neighborhood and many friendships, all of which the ex retained “custody” of when he divorced me and kept the life I had been a part of.  Ralph, like many of my readers, knows how shattered I was through the divorce and he knows that the two most priceless people in this world, to me, are my son and daughter.   Naturally, he also knows that when someone hurts me I have a tendency to want to make them “bleed”.  I will go on the attack and do all I can to inflict back every drop of pain x 10 that they caused me.

I was hurting for my sister too, who, while it was credited to me and my insanity in the story, was attacked in the book as well.  My sister who has a friend from all the way back to high school. A beautiful woman with a beautiful spirit and voice, who is dying from liver cancer.  A woman who has praised God every single day throughout her chemo and battle that she is losing, dying a very unkind death, and yet she gives God glory in everything she does.  Her faith inspires so many of us, and has especially moved my sister.  When Jodi was losing her hair, she praised God that she is more than her hair, and many of her friends shaved their heads in support, as did my sister.  She went one step further and had a tattoo done on her scalp with a green ribbon (the symbol for liver cancer) and the words “for Jodi”, and until Jodi leaves this world all the ladies are staying bald with her.  My sister participated in a fund raiser to assist with her friend’s medical bills, and keeps us all updated. Jodi is currently recording a praise album, though her voice is starting to fail her as the cancer is sucking the life out of her, she never gives up and thanks God everyday.   This beautiful act of support and love for another, my sister shaving her head, was made fun of and made light of, in the book.  It broke my heart because it wasn’t enough to attack me, it was extended to my family members as well.

I went to bed only to wake up and cry some more during the night, and pray.  This morning I woke up with the following verse heavy on my mind and heart:

Ephesians 4:29

Expanded Bible (EXB)

29 Don’t ·say anything that will hurt others [L let any rotten/unhealthy word come from your mouth], but only say what is ·helpful [good] to ·make others stronger [build others up] ·and meet [L according to] their needs. Then what you say will ·do good [give grace; be a gift] to those who listen to you.

New King James Version (NKJV)

29 Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.

I have meditated on it all day when I felt the urge to unleash a hell storm of emotion and try to strike back and inflict pain in return.  It has kept me in check.  There won’t be a tell all blog or book from me trashing my ex.  While he enjoys telling folks that there are no skeletons in his closet because they are seated in the open on the couch, I do know of plenty still hidden that he’d not want anyone, especially his children, to know.  Instead I will do as I have done for quite some time now:  pray for my ex and his new wife.  For peace, joy, good health and prosperity in their life, and in the lives of my children.

I may be a crazy, nutty, bleached out and sometimes pink haired glitch, but I am dearly loved by many, and loved by One who was willing to suffer and die to save my wretched soul.

I am a princess in the only royal family that matters.

And on that note, I will put the topic in a box to join others on the shelf of the past, behind me, where it belongs.

Who Are You?

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istock_000012608923smallWho are you who claims to be a believer?

Who are you who claims to have the love of the Lord in your heart but turns your back on the unwed daughters in the church who are pregnant? Or the sons who drove drunk and now carry a DUI and are slipping from your grasp?  Those who have practiced unfaithfulness or have  stolen or any other “grievous” sin?

Who are you to think you know what is remorse or not remorse because they didn’t stand in front of the congregation to declare their sins?  Can you SEE that their heart is hard or see that deep inside them it is breaking under the weight of their sin and they NEED you to pull them to you not shove them away until they ‘repent’ as YOU feel they should?  Who are you to claim to know their heart?

Who is embracing those who grew up in the church but have wandered when you, their church “family” does not embrace them and support them? The world you preach so hard against?

Where is the love?

The love of Christ that dined with the sinners.

Are you really any different than the Pharisees who thought they knew it all and looked down or turned their back on God’s prodigal ones?

Did Jesus make the adulteress woman go before anyone except HIM to confess her sins when she was about to be stoned? or did He show her compassion and love, and encourage her to the path that leads to Him?

Who are you to judge the heart? I thought that was God’s to do?

Where oh where is the love????

Could one person who reached out and loved from the heart, showed the love of Christ rather than shunning the lost and fallen, have made the difference?

And the gossip..oh the juicy tales passed from person to person about that fallen one, did that not make you a sinner too? Isn’t the ground level in front of the cross of Christ?  Where was the compassion and love to reach out and catch those who stumbled and help get them on the path?  Instead the gossip, the shunning,  could that be what assisted them in falling off the path and in to the pit of sin rather than just stumbling?  You who have never been down that slope, have no idea how hard it is to reach out and cry for help, trying to claw your way back up, when the doors have been seemingly closed.  The humiliation carried by the sinner and being so lost under that weight that you cannot bring yourself to reach for a brother or sister…and you wonder, as they’ve talked about you  rather than help you, is their heart going to accept you and help you if you could bring yourself to their door in search of love?  And while you ‘shun’ them, the world reaches for them, loving them, soothing their wounds, wrapping around them until they have numbed from the still, small voice, and now feel the love and acceptance of the darkness because it DID reach for them, it DID care for them, it DID embrace them when the “christian family” did not.

Surely they who fell into sin will stand before God and be judged.  But you who turned a cold shoulder, who demanded repentance instead of showing love, who watched them fall into the embrace of the world rather than embrace them in the love of Christ, won’t you too be judged for how you dealt with them?  Do you really think you will hear “Well done, good and faithful servant” any more than the ones stumbling? YOU too sin every single day with your judging of others, with your gossip, with your less than loving hearts, with those little white lies you tell and other sins of omission…one’s sin may be more evident and glaring than another, but is it any less wrong? Any less a sin?

When you discovered a brother or sister was off the path and wadding in sin, did YOU do anything?  Did you run and tell another, dial the phone to share the nugget of naughtiness? Or did you run to the fellow believer and sinner and do all you could to bring them back on the path and be restored to their walk?  Did you really show LOVE, or just legalism?

Did you fawn all over the ones who joined the flock who could say all the right Christian buzz words, talked softly with a seemingly quiet and gentle spirit, served in so many ways….only to fall and then SWIM within that lake of sin.  Yet the ones who might be rough around the edges, struggled in their walk but their desire to please and worship Christ was there but you didn’t invite them to your home, or your circle of friends, you kept them at arms length when what they needed was your love and compassion.  And yet both those you put on the pedestal and those you saw beneath it, fell into sin…because we ALL are sinners, we all need Christ.

Where, brothers and sisters in Christ, is the LOVE?

Surely you’ve heard that phrase, “you may be the only Bible some folks ever read”.  What sets you apart from the world? OTHER than your haughtiness and carrying your Bible and being able to quote a scripture or two with a pat on the back and “I’ll pray for you”.  You jet off to serve in the “mission field” rebuilding churches in a place hit with a natural disaster, all the while people sitting around you every Sunday are starving to death on the pews in need of real LOVE.  I suppose it is easier to go help a stranger, drive some nails, clean up the damage to buildings, than it is to sit down and help someone you know find their way out of the damage in their life caused by sin.  To really connect and FEEL what they are feeling.

Sure, you can give a defense if your faith is questioned.  You can explain in great detail what scripture says about sin and the need of a Savior, and tell the date you came to Christ.  But can you defend YOUR faith, your heart?  Can you honestly say you have shown true love for the brethren, got down on your knees and held a shattered brother or sister to rise above their sin?  Did you talk TO them, or just talk ABOUT them?

These are the things I am struggling with this morning when I should be at services with people that I love, worshiping my Savior.  Not only do I know those who were shunned and talked about…but I was one who did the shunning, AND… I AM THAT SINNER THAT NEEDED YOU!  I fell off the path, slipping further and further away until I was out of reach and eating with the pigs in the pigsty rather than wrapped in LOVE from my brothers and sisters.  YES some was my own heart attitude, but short of listening then quoting scripture, who reached out? Who left their comfort zone to find out what was driving that attitude, and what was pulling from the other side of the path down the slippery slope?  I pray in the future I am willing to crawl down and grasp the hand of a fellow believer who has fallen into sin, to really SHOW the love I talk about having.

You warm a pew…but are you truly the remnant spoken of in the Bible?  Having been on both sides, I fear the remnant is far smaller than I once believed.

You say you love…but where is the love?

Who are you?

 

My One Word – Narrowing It Down

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myonewordI have participated in a growing movement to forget about New Year’s resolutions, and instead pick one word that will be the focus of my year.  The idea being that focusing on that area will bring about good things in all areas as it spreads.  I picked SEEK the year before last, then JOY this past year.  SEEK God was the focus, then finding the JOY in all things.

I was going about it just fine but this year decided to not only check out the website but to also read the book.  It has been a life changer already and it is only the 3rd of January.

My word was harder to pick, as there are so many areas of my life that need change, improvement or just to find a way out of the door of my life altogether.  The book has been very helpful in narrowing things down.  I was down to just 4 words, all of these words would have an impact on my life if they were chosen as my ONE WORD for 2013:

KNOW – as in really get to know my Savior through God’s Word in extensive study.

REFLECT – as in reflecting Christ in my life every day as if I am the mirror that reflects Him to the world around me.

APPLY – apply the Word of God in all areas of my life.

SURRENDER – as in yielding, surrendering all areas of my life to Christ.  While I do not care for the whole “WWJD”, maybe more in line of what would Christ have me to do.  Based on scripture and not my ‘gut’ feel.  And praying through things before making choices and decisions.  Surrender my thoughts, actions, Sunday mornings…everything to the Lord.  This word will encompass the others as time goes on, so it was the clear choice.

sur·ren·der

[suh-ren-der]

verb (used with object)

1. to yield (something) to the possession or power of another; deliver up possession of on demand or under duress: to surrender the fort to the enemy; to surrender the stolen goods to the police.

2. to give (oneself) up, as to the police.

3. to give (oneself) up to some influence, course, emotion, etc.: He surrendered himself to a life of hardship.

4. to give up, abandon, or relinquish (comfort, hope, etc.).

5. to yield or resign (an office, privilege, etc.) in favor of another.

verb (used without object)

6. to give oneself up, as into the power of another; submit or yield.

The word will be in front of me all year…taped to my dashboard, as my bookmark in my bible (maybe several as I’m all over in there), anywhere I might come across it or the need for it, I will have it in front of me to remind me to focus on that word and what it entails.  It will set the tone for my year, be at the heart of much of my writing for this blog this year, but more importantly it will help me to grow in my walk and faith with my Savior, Jesus Christ.

In addition, I’ve taken the “30 day challenge” I’ve heard on K-LOVE, and I am listening to only Christian music for this month.  Again, it is already impacting my thoughts and mood.  Guess that whole “garbage in (to the brain) = garbage out” could be true.  I catch myself  little more when using less than appropriate language, when a negative or unkind thought goes through my brain, etc.  The music and songs may lack sound theology, but they are positive and encouraging, as K-LOVE often uses as their slogan.

#7, #8, #9 ~ My Grown Up Christmas List

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7 8 9To see the full list click  HERE

First, let me apologize for having to put 3 together in one post.  I’ve been sick and just not feeling up to sitting down and actually engaging  my brain into a post.  Thanks to the visit to the clinic, I’m good!

#7 ~ My Friend, Cowboy

Long time readers will recall this was a man I was going to marry.  Things changed, but we are still the very best of friends.  In fact we text and talk daily and sometimes multiple times a day.  He is one of my best cheer leaders to encourage me, and I certainly hope I am one of his.

As with all the men I’ve become serious with in my life, he is one of those I believe I was meant to help fix broken pieces of their hearts and souls, but not a forever love.  Friends but not meant to be lovers and spouses.

This time of year is often very hard on those that have shattered memories.  So for Cowboy I wish for a special Christmas this year, complete with a Christmas angel.  A renewed, inner child-like spirit of the holidays that sees it all through the eyes of innocence.   For some happy memories to be made this Christmas.  For fences to be mended wherever possible, and for the love of the Lord and the joy of the Lord to be his strength.  I believe in miracles and I wish several to come his way this Christmas season.

#8 ~ My Daughter-in-Law

As her pregnancy is winding down to the end she is doing all of those last minute things around their new house to be ready when my grandson arrives.  She is swelling a bit in hands and feet and I know she is starting to get tired. I pray for peace in her heart and spirit,  lots of good solid rest leading up to the delivery.  I pray God’s angels will watch over her and my granddaughter when my son is at work, and over him while he is working, bringing him home safely to his family each day.  And for an easy, complication free delivery and a very healthy mom and baby Collin.

I’m so thankful for her and her beautiful, spunky daughter that have been added to my family, giving me the new title of grandma.

#9 ~ For My Car

I really need my car to be right now, it has been fixed for multiple issues this year.  I need it to be reliable so I can get too and from school the next 2 weeks, and then to and from my job that I will be starting in January, Lord willing.  I need it to also keep my Avon business going.  I had to let that slide for a while without a car to drive.  I really appreciate any and all prayers to this effect so that I can accomplish these things and get myself back on track financially.   I have many bills that need catching up and then back on a regular payment schedule.

#6 ~ My Grown Up Christmas List

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6To see the full list click  HERE

#6 ~ My Education Pursuit 

My wish is that this material will come easily to me, and that I can get through the next 2 weeks without issues.  I need this certification and I think I am a good fit for the job and type of work it will allow me to pursue.

I wish for nothing to get in the way of my going and getting my needed education.

 

#5 ~ My Grown Up Christmas List

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5To see the full list click  HERE

#5 ~ My Brothers

I  love my brothers.  Both are amazing men, and great fathers to their children.  Both have good hearts, and both have made some mistakes in life.  But both have done their best to fix any wrongs and make them right.

Baby brother has a birthday tomorrow.  I still remember coming downstairs to see what St. Nick  brought us to find out my mom was at the hospital having him, and shortly after that learning I had another brother.

My other brother, younger than me, has a big event coming soon in his life as well, one that makes me very happy for him.

I wish them both all the happiness in this world, and love and blessings.

Family is the most important thing a person has on this earth, Grandpa Fred always told me that.

People are human.

People make mistakes.

People sometimes can be in so much pain already that they can find the demon under every rock, even if it only looks like it is there.

And sometimes people purposely set a stage to make others think there is a demon when there isn’t even a rock.

My prayer is for communication, forgiveness where it is needed, and understanding to see the truth.

I love you both with all my heart.

Praising God In The Hallway

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Romans 5

New King James Version (NKJV)

Faith Triumphs in Trouble

5 Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have[a] peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

One of the college students at my church started a Facebook group to bring a bunch of us together across the miles to read through the book of Romans together.  We post our thoughts and discuss it as we go along, following a week by week schedule.  It has already been a blessing to me as I needed the push to find a place to again begin the practice of daily reading my bible.

We’re in chapter 5 this week and as I was reading it yesterday I stopped dead at verses 1-5, especially verse 3, which I highlighted in pink above.

See, my week started off Sunday morning with trials and tribulations.   My car has been in the shop being fixed more than it has been driven this year.  I finally got it back Friday and was so excited to finally be able to get around independently again.  Sunday I get up, get ready for church, it is pouring down rain…and the car is messing up again.  I wanted to cry, instead I yelled.  No one heard me, but that wasn’t real productive.  It was not rejoicing either.  I was determined to go even if I had to walk to services.   The car eventually cooperated and I made it on time for Sunday School, but it was not the way to start the morning.

In hind sight I wonder, could I have handled it better? Certainly!  A stopping, regrouping, and praying would have been a better way to handle it.  Yelling didn’t do anything, I simply raised my blood pressure and stress level.  Instead I could have prayed for the Lord to help me.   I need to be more aware that when a bump in the road hits, I need to stop, breathe and pray.

I did get a lesson in faith though, during worship services.  I put the last bit of cash I had to my name in the offering plate, praying and trusting the Lord for what I needed this week in order to keep my Avon business running.  I did not get a huge influx of cash, but instead, after praying, received just enough to meet my needs.  :)

My prayer of late has been, “help my unbelief”, and to continue to seek joy.  Only now I understand a bit better that even in the rough spots, I need to find the joy and rejoice, praising Him in the hallways of my life.

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#4 ~ My Grown Up Christmas List

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4To see the full list click  HERE

#4 ~ My Ex-Husband

This wish is for my ex, Pete.  We were married just under 22 years before the divorce was final.

My wish is 2 fold really.

The first part is that the day will come when he can forgive whatever perceived wrongs he feels I’ve done, and that for the sake of our children we could be around each other in some form of harmony.  I’ve long ago forgiven him for those things I felt he did to me and pray the same may come my way from him.

He is a good man, was a good husband and a fantastic dad.  We were pretty much as close to oil and water as it can get as far as personalities.   I have a multitude of very happy memories from our marriage, and while losing him was incredibly painful, as the song says, “I could have missed the pain, but I’d have to miss the dance” and for all the good memories I have in my heart to treasure, that pain was worth it.

The second part is for his new marriage.  He is getting married next week to a very wonderful woman who is beautiful inside and out.  I really do in all sincerity wish them a very happy, joy filled marriage that lasts the rest of their lives.  I hope and pray (yes really do pray for them) to be showered with many blessings and good things in the years to come.

# 3 ~ My Grown Up Christmas List

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#3 ~ My Daughter

This wish is all about my baby girl.

I wish for her faith in God to grow from the seeds planted in her heart as she grew up in a loving church family, and that she would learn from the mistakes she saw her parents make, keeping instead her focus on the Lord.  I pray she develops a strong love for God’s Word, and finds time for it each day.

I wish for her to find a man who is strong in character, morals and loyalty.  One who will love her faithfully, be a good father to her children, and be a man of God.  A strong believer with a solid faith who will love her as scripture says he should, putting her ahead of himself.

I wish for her all the little boys she so very much wants for children, and that they too would have a faith that is strong and unwavering, and grow up to be her pride and joy, as she and her brother are mine.

I wish for her to have a home full of love and laughter, and enough critters to keep her animal loving side happy and content.

And like her big brother, I wish for her, “just enough”.

Seen as part of a post on another day, entitled “Just Enough”. Author unknown.

“I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.

I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.“

- Author Unknown

Lessons In Brokenness

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angels-falling-broken-feathersToday was the first Sunday of December, which means at church it was the day to celebrate the Lord’s supper, communion.

I had gone over the things from Pastor’s email, and spent time praying during the service, and there were things I needed to confess.

In my heart I carry a root of bitterness toward my soon to be former sister-in-law.  I won’t go into details other than to say that I see her as a very evil, manipulative person.  But the Lord put it on my heart while praying about things I needed to confess, that I need to forgive her for  the perceived wrongs toward me, and pray for her daily.

During that time of prayer, thinking on the fact that Christ died for my sins…and then it hit me.  He died on that cross over 2000 years ago for my sins…sins that had yet to be committed!  Mine and everyone elses, yes, but MINE.  Sins of a woman that had never even been born!  Sins that would not be committed until nearly 2000 years later!  He died to cover the sins of all of His sheep, and those sins, so many were yet to be committed because those sinners were not even to be born for a long time to come.  How unimaginably incredible that weight must have been!  I cannot begin to wrap my head around this!

How could I not want to fall on my face and serve the Lord, the One who paid for my sins thousands of years before I’d ever walk this earth?  Sins I had not yet lived to commit?  The love the Lord Jesus has for His people is not something to be comprehended, that He was willing to die such a horrible death, suffering like we cannot begin to imagine under the weight of sins He knew would occur but were yet to happen?  It is beyond my ability to begin to understand.  Any parent understands they would take a bullet for a child…but can we imagine dying for a child or person who was thousands of years in the future???  No, we cannot.

While  in Sunday School, a passage came up that really made me think, especially during communion:

Isaiah 55

New King James Version (NKJV)

An Invitation to Abundant Life

55 “Ho! Everyone who thirsts,
Come to the waters;
And you who have no money,
Come, buy and eat.
Yes, come, buy wine and milk
Without money and without price.
2 Why do you spend money for what is not bread,
And your wages for what does not satisfy?
Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good,
And let your soul delight itself in abundance.
3 Incline your ear, and come to Me.
Hear, and your soul shall live;
And I will make an everlasting covenant with you—

It really made me stop and think…What IS my focus on?  What is it I “buy” with my time and efforts?  It isn’t that it is wrong to work hard to achieve my goals, but which areas of my life are taking the priority?  My study in the Word of God? My walk with Christ?  Or is it still all about me, and things of this world that won’t last?  I need to prioritize my life, really focus on the things that last, delight in the Lord’s abundance first, then the rest of my life will take shape according to His plan for me.  I can pursue my dreams, but pray for what His will, for where I should go and trust that those paths will open up if they are His plan for my life and how I can best serve Him.

I’m thankful that I’m broken, or I’d never have returned to my Father in Heaven, the prodigal daughter, the broken angel in need of Him.

#2 ~ My Grown Up Christmas List 2012

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2To see the full list click  HERE

#2 – My Son & His Family

My second wish on my list is for my son and his family.

For his beautiful wife and he to have a love that lasts their lifetime, with “Just Enough” and be faithful and loving to each other always.

For his beautiful little girl, who to him is every bit as much his as his soon to be son.  For her to grow up to be a Proverbs 31 woman one day, who has a heart that desires to serve the Lord.

For his son, who is due to arrive this month, may he be born healthy and strong, and that he will grow up to be a man of God, and make his parents proud.

May all their lives be full of “just enough”, always.

Seen as part of a post on another day, entitled “Just Enough”. Author unknown.

“I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.

I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.“

- Author Unknown

#1 ~ My Grown Up Christmas List 2012

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1My list is not something Santa can handle.  As you will see as the days unfold, my grown up Christmas List is far more in the hands of God than anyone else.  Some is directed toward individuals with hopes and prayers, and love will be at the core of most everything.  Always love, and sometimes forgiveness.

This is one of the few things I wish just for myself.

# 1 – My Walk & Faith 

For my on going walk with the Lord.

Time daily in the Word, studying and reading.

Time in prayer daily.

For my unbelief, that the Lord would help my unbelief.

For my church attendance to be more consistent that I might grow in my relationships with others of common belief.

For ongoing grace that is so undeserved.

That my claim of belief and faith in Christ, would be mirrored in my life.

“Professing that we are connected to Christ in salvation carries with it an obligation to back up that verbal claim with a lifestyle that mirrors the character of Christ” ~ Larry E. McCall – Walking Like Jesus Did

1 John 2:5-6

New King James Version (NKJV)

5 But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him. By this we know that we are in Him. 6 He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked.

I know the lifestyle I was living prior to my divorce was anything but mirroring Christ.  The past nearly 3 years I’ve struggled to stay on the path, easily led back toward a ‘me’ centered life.  So the very first, and most important wish on my list is that my walk of faith, my everyday lifestyle, the me that no one sees as well as the one that is seen, would all be evident of the faith that is growing in my heart.

Friday Confessional

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FridayConfessionalMamarazzi

AH Friday at last.  Time to confess for the week.  Confession is good, they say, for the soul.  It can also make for a good post, though if you came here looking for “naughty” stuff, sorry, I’m being a ‘good’ girl, no seriously naughty things to share.  And this is a family friendly post, after all.

I confess… 

Despite the decent efforts, I did not lose a single pound this week.  But I have to admit I broke from the restraints, and chewed my way to a few beers and snacks that, while I recorded them, weren’t good choices.  Last night, my snack was baby carrots, raisins and grapes.  Oh and water.  No beer.

I confess… 

I figured out how to get an additional handful of calories into my count.  150 to be exact.  I now prepare my old fashioned oats in water rather than whole milk.  Even with a bit more brown sugar to flavor it, I’ve managed to carve out some play room to add other things like nuts or raisins, or even banana slices.

I confess… 

It is most unlikely that I will give up the coffee in any amount.  I like coffee, even if it makes the breath smell like, well, butt.  Being fairly sure that I’m at least somewhat ADD, based on how I am without the coffee (ie: 1000 thoughts flying around in my head and I cannot focus at all on one), I think for the sake of daily accomplishments this is good.  Especially if I’m driving a car.

I confess… 

Last night I was mean to my cat.  I took her little fuzzy away from her again.  She was playing fuzzy soccer all over the room, driving me bonkers when I was trying to sleep.  The look on her face was priceless when she realized it was now mine, under my pillow, under my head, where she wan’t going to get to it.  She plopped herself down by my leg and pouted.  I fell asleep so I guess she was there most of the night.  She came right up to my face this morning when I stirred and just glared at me until I gave it back.  Sadly, she won’t ‘learn’ anything by it, so it won’t be the last time I have to take it away.

I confess… 

I don’t have writer’s block…I have total ideas for posts static confusion.  I have SO much I want to write about but cannot ever nail it down to one.  Nothing feels right.  Maybe I need more coffee.

Day 29 ~ 30 Days Of Thankfulness 2012

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I am thankful today that I am still currently self employed.

What I have held on to as allergies to our 3 cats, and I am rather allergic to them, now seems to be more.  I think I  may have a roaring sinus infection.  To top it off I had a touch of a stomach virus which left me sick to my stomach this morning.

My ‘job’ allowed for me to blow off the day and sleep most of it.  This was a good thing.

Still not feeling grand but thankful I did not have to go to work like this.

Day 22 ~ 30 Days Of Thankfulness 2012

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Thankful today for all those who will not be able to be home.

Our military deployed away from family – thank you for serving our country.

For the police and firefighters who have to be on duty today and away from family, my son and brother among them, – thank you for keeping us safe, please be safe today!

For doctors, nurses, and countless other jobs that must continue despite the holiday – thank you for all you do to keep things going.

And for the families who will celebrate this day without their loved ones in these various roles, thank you for your sacrifice that enables those men and women to do their jobs.

To everyone, have a very blessed Thanksgiving!

Day 20 ~ 30 Days Of Thankfulness 2012

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Today I’m thankful for time spent with my mom and sister, grocery shopping.

It is no small wonder we aren’t asked to leave the store sometimes.

I swear the 3 of us could turn a root canal into something highly entertaining and amusing.  We have the best time together and laugh so much that more often than not we come home all running for the bathroom from laughing so hard.

Getting to this place in my life was not my plan, staying married forever was plan ‘A’.  But Plan ‘B’ has turned out to be something amazing, fun, and I swear a day doesn’t go by us without a lot of laughs.  If laughter is the best medicine we should all live forever!

 

Day 19 ~ 30 Days Of Thankfulness 2012

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I’m thankful for dinner.  With family.  Around the table.

I have very fond memories of dinners growing up, the whole family around the table eating a home cooked meal.

We have dinner around the table every night here in the Diva Den, and I love it.  While all the Divas cannot always be present, 3 of us are almost always here and that is makes it nice.

I love that my brother and Angie likewise have made dinner at the table as a family, with a home cooked  meal, the norm for their family.  And it isn’t easy when you have a blended family, but they make it happen.

Sharing about everyone’s day, over food someone cared enough to prepare, is one of those things that make being a family special and for which I am very thankful.

The only thing better is a family dinner with all my siblings and their families, and of course my kids and granddaughter.

10 Things I’ve Learned In 2012

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10 Things I’ve Learned This Year

(to participate click the icon above!)

  1. Sometimes people are going to let me down, take sides in something that is none of their concern (like my divorce), because they are closer to the other person.  They may say things at the time that are hurtful and even mean where I’m concerned.  They may never come get  my side of the story.  But it’s okay to forgive them, because forgiveness isn’t about them, it’s about me.  Me healing, me getting rid of that little seed that grows bitterness and isolation from folks that would otherwise love me.  And in the end, maybe, just maybe, their comments and criticisms were  justified, as my actions or behavior at times might have been less than what it should have been.  Perhaps I brought it on myself, perhaps not.  Either way, I cannot expect perfection from anyone until I myself am perfect.  And that work is still in progress. Continue reading →