Tag Archives: divorce

#4 ~ My Grown Up Christmas List

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4To see the full list click  HERE

#4 ~ My Ex-Husband

This wish is for my ex, Pete.  We were married just under 22 years before the divorce was final.

My wish is 2 fold really.

The first part is that the day will come when he can forgive whatever perceived wrongs he feels I’ve done, and that for the sake of our children we could be around each other in some form of harmony.  I’ve long ago forgiven him for those things I felt he did to me and pray the same may come my way from him.

He is a good man, was a good husband and a fantastic dad.  We were pretty much as close to oil and water as it can get as far as personalities.   I have a multitude of very happy memories from our marriage, and while losing him was incredibly painful, as the song says, “I could have missed the pain, but I’d have to miss the dance” and for all the good memories I have in my heart to treasure, that pain was worth it.

The second part is for his new marriage.  He is getting married next week to a very wonderful woman who is beautiful inside and out.  I really do in all sincerity wish them a very happy, joy filled marriage that lasts the rest of their lives.  I hope and pray (yes really do pray for them) to be showered with many blessings and good things in the years to come.

10 Things I’ve Learned In 2012

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10 Things I’ve Learned This Year

(to participate click the icon above!)

  1. Sometimes people are going to let me down, take sides in something that is none of their concern (like my divorce), because they are closer to the other person.  They may say things at the time that are hurtful and even mean where I’m concerned.  They may never come get  my side of the story.  But it’s okay to forgive them, because forgiveness isn’t about them, it’s about me.  Me healing, me getting rid of that little seed that grows bitterness and isolation from folks that would otherwise love me.  And in the end, maybe, just maybe, their comments and criticisms were  justified, as my actions or behavior at times might have been less than what it should have been.  Perhaps I brought it on myself, perhaps not.  Either way, I cannot expect perfection from anyone until I myself am perfect.  And that work is still in progress. Continue reading →

Tuesday Coffee Chat ~ Lessons Learned

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“Lessons Learned” 

What’s the most important lesson you have learned thus far in life? Did you “get it” straight away, or did it take a few tries? Share your wisdom. 

Happiness.

We all want it, we do everything we can think of to have it.

And yet for many, even once they get what they want, they aren’t happy.

Why??

Because it isn’t, as the sign says, a destination, it is very much a way of life.

It is not a lesson I picked up over night.  I have gradually figured it all out as I have matured and grown older.

No person is going to make me happy.  I’ve been married twice now, the first time just a few years, the second 22 years.  In that second marriage, despite my husband’s faults (believe me there were many and some glaring!), I made the choice to love him when he was not a lovable guy, and to stick it out.  I chose to be happy.  Funny thing, when I made a decision to love him and be happy, I was!  In my mind he was the end all of men because that was for me what I believed my spouse should be.  And I was blindly and blissfully happy because I decided to be.  Sadly it did not go both ways.

When I ended up getting divorced because he wanted out, it about destroyed me emotionally and mentally.  I have struggled to come to grips with how anyone can boot someone out of their life that stood by them when they were one ugly, mean S.O.B. and carried the weight of the world on her shoulders when he could not.  How when it came time to roll up the sleeves and dig his heels in for me, he bailed.  But in all that mental and emotional train wreckage I made the decision to be HAPPY!  Every morning I crawled out of bed and put a smile on my face and told myself it was the best day EVER and that I was HAPPY!  And you know what? I WAS!  It didn’t mean that being tossed aside didn’t hurt, and it didn’t mean that there weren’t days I behaved like a horse’s ass through the divorce and immediately afterward.  But I still kept telling myself that I was happy and went about life doing things that I enjoyed and made me happy.

It is why I know that I don’t need another person in my life or lots of things to make me happy.  I’m flying this life plane solo and I don’t really have much in the way of possessions.  My happiness comes from inside.  Some days it is a bit more effort that must be put forth to put on my happy face, and there are days when I slip into a funk and might even hop on my blog and lash out irrationally.  But whatever splinter made its way in to cause that, I work quickly to dig it out and be happy again.  That decision is the seed that takes root that morning and before long I’m singing (not too loudly so as not to scare anyone) and dancing (like no one is watching) and I am HAPPY!

My happiness is my responsibility, and it is all part of the journey, not the end destination.

*To link up and join the chat and share your lessons learned, click the coffee cup icon above*

Me, Heaven, & Righteousness

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I recently began a fantastic bible study written by Kay Arthur, Lord, Only You Can Change Me.

I picked this study because it is one of Kay’s studies, and ALL over her books, studies, etc. are outstanding.  Another reason is because I’ve been trying to get myself back to the right path in my life.  One that is Christ honoring and not so self centered.

One of the first things this study does is to take the reader through the Sermon On The Mount, reading all of Matthew chapters 5-7.  Then going back and marking each reference to ‘heaven’ and ‘righteousness’ throughout those passages.  Next, going through and listing the verse reference and what it says about heaven, then the same for righteousness.  If you are having any doubts  about your own position in on your journey toward the pearly gates, this is a good place to start.  It is an eye opener.

Here are some of the things I learned about heaven:

It belongs to the  poor inspirit.

It belongs to those persecuted for righteousness.

Our Father is there.

Until it passes away none of the law will pass away.

Unless our righteousness surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees we won’t enter the kingdom of Heaven.

Our Father there is perfect and we are to be perfect.

God’s will is done there.

Not all who call out “Lord, Lord” will enter there.

Only those who do God’s will can enter.

Our forgiveness from our Father hinges upon our forgiveness of others.

There were many other things, if you mark the word ‘heaven’ then go back and list everything these chapters say about it, but that gives you an idea.

The list for righteousness was a real eye opener as well.  One of the biggest being we must SEEK it.  That was my “one word” last year.  I fell rather short on SEEKING most anything I needed when it came to my journey.  Praise the Lord for His forgiveness.

While going through these passages for this study I did note that I have the following passage highlighted in every bible I own, and I had underlined verse 44 in addition to the highlights.

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor[a] and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you,[b] 45 that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you greet your brethren[c] only, what do you do more than others?Do not even the tax collectors[d] do so? 48 Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.

For the record, the red highlight above (my doing) is the verse I underlined.  This one is a place I fall very short.

I wonder about where my heart might be today had I stayed more grounded in the Word of God and not allowed myself to move away from what I knew deep down was right.  Would I still be married? Or how much faster would I have healed (still in that process) if I had clung to God’s Word when going through the divorce and afterward?  I can honestly say I did NOT love my ex-husband through that time, certainly did not bless him or do good by him.  For the first time in our history I said unkind things.  Throughout our marriage, when outside of our home, I never spoke ill of the man.  But once he sought a divorce and I had moved out, I let it fly with both  barrels in my other blog and to anyone that listened.  I turned my hurt into hate.  And because I could not begin to pray good things for him, I simply didn’t pray at all.  No, not blaming him for my failure to live a Christ like life, that is all on me.  I’m not responsible for his actions, only my own.

Another section that really bothers me when I read it, is Matthew 5:31-32.

31 “Furthermore it has been said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality[a] causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.

I don’t know where to go with this one.  I struggled with it when my first marriage ended, and even more so now.  Not having been the one that ended the marriage, where does it leave me?  Per the passage it causes me to commit adultery because he divorced me.  Does this mean that blame, that sin, is on his head and not mine?  And what of a future marriage…if I marry again it causes someone to commit adultery.  It is a messy business, this whole matter of divorce.  I understand now why the bible says that God hates divorce.  It causes ripples of pain, confusion and further sins in the lives not only of the one wanting out, but for the one left behind too. (For more about this topic see Matthew 19:3-9)

I’m a long way from that place, but I have a long way to go.  I’m past the meanness in my heart and soul, the hate, but the pain is still there, my heart very raw.  But I will be applying scripture to my life in this and every other area, and praying for ME to be the one changed.

T.G.I.F.F. Musings

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Thank God It’s Finally Friday!!!!

It has been a LONG week.  To bed late (because even at nearly 49yo I am not a responsible adult), up early, and now walking 2 miles every evening or first thing in the morning.   The alarm went off this morning and I couldn’t figure out how to turn it off at first.  I’m SO glad I can go to be early tonight.  I won’t but I’m glad that I can!  I can sleep in tomorrow too, then the day is filled with pictures then the wedding of my son.  I am SO excited.  But first I need coffee.  LOTS of coffee.  I’m ready to sleep today whenever the baby naps.

I keep seeing something on various Facebook status updates that just bugs the crap out of me.  “My man completes me” or “my children complete me”.  EXCUSE ME, WTF?  NO one completes us, ladies!  We are complete all on our own.  No man or child makes you more complete.  If that is the case everyone out there minus a significant other and children is going through life an incomplete person.  I’m calling bulls**t!  Before you freak out let me explain.

Marvelous Marti was a complete person the day she was born.  Throughout my life everyone, and every experience that has crossed my path and touched my life has in some way tweaked who I am, fine tuned me.  They have brought out either my best or my worst, but in no way are any one of them the missing piece of me.  I’m whole all on my own.

People and experiences can expose the cracks in our souls, or even cause those cracks.  Depending on the degree of influence we allow them to have in our lives will depend on how much of our not so pretty sides gets seen, or how large the cracks they leave.  Sometimes they leave a gaping hole there, but it is nothing that cannot be repaired.   Or they can expose the beautiful parts of us and make those parts shine through. Good or bad, they help us to grow, but they do not in anyway complete the package.  They compliment or clash against us.

When we grow through the people and events in our lives, the growth is from inside, parts of us we may not have known we even possessed.  Deep inside is exactly what we need, when we need it, it is a matter of tapping into it.  A good example is when my ex-husband nearly died several times during our marriage after major surgeries.  Those times are when I discovered that inner strength was always there, I had just never needed it on that level before then.  Yes, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, but only in the sense that like muscles being worked out gain strength, our inner courage and strength grow under hardship.  The muscles were there, we just build them up when we workout.  The strength we need is there, but until it needs to be flexed, we are unaware of it.

Last night, while at my son’s wedding rehearsal and dinner, I had a chance to sit back and really observe the man I was married to for 22 years, with eyes of indifference now that I’ve moved past the trauma of the end of that relationship, and with so much more knowledge of life and myself.  When my ex wanted a divorce it shattered my world, my heart, and left a hole the size of Texas.  But I was not suddenly ‘incomplete’ without him.  I thought he was my soul mate, the love of my life.  I realize now that there are many ‘soul mates’ out there, and sometimes we encounter people that their soul literally touches ours.  They look into our eyes and SEE into our heart and soul.  Theirs are open to us in those moments as well.  Those are soul mates.  My heart and soul were open to my ex, but he chose to never really look inside to find the treasure of who I am, to share in the marvelous riches of this woman.  And he kept me locked out of his.  I’d see glimpses now and then but he never allowed himself to be vulnerable and let me in.  His inner child is shattered, tortured and needs healing, IMHO.  I was not to be the one to fill those cracks with love, was never permitted to run my fingers through his soul and really FEEL who he was, and he certainly never made an effort to touch mine no matter how open it was for him.

After the divorce I felt that mutual soul ‘connection’ for the first time, and allowed someone to hold and examine my heart and soul, to understand me.  While it didn’t last, it was a beautiful thing to have someone touch that part of me, to love me despite every imperfection, to feel that my imperfections and flaws are a priceless piece of me.  I will  never again commit my life to someone that doesn’t want to run their fingers through my soul and know me, and that will not allow me to do the same with them.

My own inner child has known great pain and shattered dreams, to the point that it even hurt to breathe.  But in order to heal I’ve had to let her out to play, allow her run through the meadows now and then, chase butterflies and when needed, allowed love to creep in and fill the cracks.  Those who have been granted my vulnerability so that they could really know me have helped that healing by covering me in love.  Loving and being loved helps the healing process.  It doesn’t make us who we are, it helps us, like an antibiotic for the infection that is causing our pain, we use it to fight the contagion of broken dreams.  Scars are left behind  where  the cracks and holes once were, some are tender, but the wounds themselves are gone.

I will love deeply again, someone who can hold me when I’m most unlovable, and when I least deserve it. A soul mate who accepts my countless faults and can love those parts of me as much as they love the rest of who I am.  They will compliment me, but no one can ever complete me except for me.

Crazy Vindication!!!

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Yesterday I wrote some about a book I’m reading, Crazy Time – Surviving Divorce and Building A New Life.  It IS a fantastic book.  The book goes into the unspoken, marriage contract all people make, as to who will be the dominant and who will be the submissive in the relationship.  The problem comes when things deadlock and there is no seesaw of that dominance.  Seems most never realize that is the issue.

It is not to be mistaken for CONTROL.  I openly admit I was the more dominant person in my second marriage, most likely because my ex was used to a very strong mother so he was seeking, unconsciously, a strong woman in a wife.  Guess he got more than he bargained for, as he is a bit of a control freak.  But that is how he survived his mother, a familiar dance to him in life so I guess that is why he sought out me.  I was definitely more dominant but he held the control.  He controlled the money, insisted on a clean home with a place for everything and everything in its place.  His way was the ‘correct’ way to clean the bathroom, etc, regardless of the outcome being the same no matter what method was used to achieve it.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking this in that it worked for us.  Trust me, you could eat off our garage floor if that was your desire, the man was wicked awesome when it came to neat, clean and tidy.  But what did not work was the deadlock in our relationship over time with no give on EITHER side of the equation.  I am painted the bad guy, the cause of the divorce (never mind it takes 2 to make it work or fail), but I have big shoulders and the more I learn about me, the more I am more than willing to carry that blame.  I have strong shoulders and  not denying my part  in it all.

The great part about the book is it points out, there is no ‘blame’,  no assholes, no bitches.  Reality is it deadlocks and it is a rare couple that seems to adjust the dominance between them as needed.  As  couples grow and change the distribution of the dominance never changes and that is the issue when it all fails.  Neither side is able to adjust for the growth.  Especially the dominant partner, they don’t handle the other person changing on them very well.  And that would be me.  I did not handle the growth and changes in my husband at all.  Oh I wish I had known of this book when I got married, might have saved the relationship.

But that is not the topic I wanted to talk about today.  I want to talk about the MAIN focus of this book, the ‘crazy time’ both sides will go through after the marriage is over.  It starts at the the time of separation and typically, per countless therapists, lasts around 2 years.  Crazy time is just that, CRAZY!

Dominant folks like myself get very angry and are subject to bizarre behavior.  We are in complete denial that there was something wrong with the marriage and the divorce takes us completely by surprise.  The other party, the submissive, has been plotting and planning, building up strength for some time, to exit the marriage.   Often it is associated with an affair, called “the marriage breaking affair”.  The dominant may never know about the affair, but it is the betrayal that is the beginning of the split.  The cheater is building up their strength through an outside source, to pack it up and end the marriage. When they finally end the marriage, at the confrontation, the dominant person is caught off guard.  And believe me this is all a script for things with my marriage.  I did not see this coming at all.  The final two years were the best it had ever been in my opinion.  Far less fighting and tension.  Then again, the ‘submissive’ partner was taking on more and more hours at the firehouse and more landscaping accounts.  I now understand it was to be away from me so he could prepare to end things, and that is why it was quieter.  I cannot find fault in him for that, he had no idea how to adjust things either!  I had lost my job and the final 2 years I was unemployed.  I changed and he couldn’t handle the person I became as I mourned the loss of my job.  Losing a job, especially one you were at a long time (26yrs for me) is like a death.  You go through all the same stages of grief and I was busy doing just that.  As I was coming out of that 2 year crazy time, I got slapped with the divorce and got to go through the whole ‘death’ thing all over again.  It’s a wonder I didn’t act on the fantasies of running his ass over!

Being dominant means denial at first.  Then the anger sets in accompanied by bizarre behavior.   Some even carry it too far and that is when the dominant partner might go as far as to kill their ex.  Most never carry out their vivid fantasies of revenge, but seems some will.  However the feelings and frustrations, the desire to ruin the other party, is perfectly normal.  And the off the wall behavior, like lashing out irrationally in my blog, or getting totally plowed drunk with my son, was completely ordinary.  Submissives go through that strange behavior too, doing things they never really did before.  My ex played soccer all of a sudden with the girl I believe was the marriage breaking affair, if not physically at least on heart and mind level.  In 23 years together, 22 of those married, he had never expressed any desire to play soccer.  I wasn’t there to see it but I’ve heard he did his share of ‘crazy’ stuff too.  More power to him.  We were being ‘normal’.  He  didn’t care for my insanity and made that known and even told me others thought I was a nut case.  I laugh out loud now, because yes indeed, I was acting like a nut case!  A perfectly normal, ordinary response in our situation.  I feel vindicated!  And hey, I didn’t run him down, shoot him, stalk him or try to destroy him.  I stayed on the edge of the cliff.

I am just past 2 years from being told we were done.  May 1st marks the 2 year anniversary of my exiting the marital residence and our separation leading up to the divorce.  The divorce was final in August that year.  So, I am nearing the end of the typical 2 years it takes to work through the crazy time.  Over all I’ve done well, and gone through the stages of grief.  I knew I had arrived in a better place and was past it when I recently saw a photo of my ex and his new love, and I smiled!  I actually realized I was happy for him.  He didn’t have that Walter (Jeff Dunham puppet) scowl on his face, it was a genuine HAPPY smile!  At the same time I noticed I was feeling relief that I am NOT attached or in love.   The Count was the breaking of my own deadlock I was still carrying around for my marriage.  I feel gloriously independent, enjoying soaring in the sky and flying free.  It’s so exciting, exhilarating and scary all that  same time!

But more on all of that tomorrow.

If you are going through a divorce, or contemplating one, or just passed one…heck if you are about to get married, PLEASE read this book.  It has been so very helpful for me to realize I wasn’t losing my mind, I was sailing through very normal waters.

Shelving 2011 ~ Box 31

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I follow The Single Woman and that is where I was inspired to come up with this year ending purging from my life. The first post (Life’s Changing Landscape: Shelving 2011) covers the how/why, the rest will be the 31 things I am shelving from 2011 that will not go with me into the new year, the full list of posts pertaining to what I’m purging can be found here: Shelving 2011.

Box 31

This is the biggest box.  The contents of this one can weigh heavy on my heart at times.    There are thousands of unanswered questions, suspicions, and facts that all add up to a lot of unresolved pain in my life.

I may never know the truth, and really it doesn’t matter.  It is written in stone, court documents, and is water under the bridge.

It is the past, painted on a canvas that cannot ever be changed.

Honestly, if the opportunity for reconciliation were given, I’d not take it.  It took distance to see that he was poison to my soul.  Though perhaps not intentionally, the mix of us was not good.

In my mind and heart I sincerely feel as if the level of  love and devotion was one sided, which no doubt resulted in many of the issues we had.  Also evident in the fact that I was not the one that quit.

Yes, while I do pray for him, I’m guilty of the “dear Lord, let his life be full of prosperity and happiness, AFTER You have him run over by a truck and the karma bus”, which is not quite what God had in mind when praying for those who hurt us or are our enemies.

But the time has come, in just 2 weeks it will be 2 years since the day I was told it was all over.

He IS a good person, and a good dad.

I wish him every happiness in the world, one filled with love.

I’ve learned what a good wife is and isn’t.  Funny, that definition varies with each person and their needs.  To him I was not. To many others, they are convinced I would be.  If only I could find the one that matches my specs for the good husband! ;)

I’ve taken the steps to fix me.

I’m taking the initial steps through DivorceCare to ensure this box stays sealed up tight.

For those still in the dark at this point, this is the box that contains all the loose ends of my marriage.  It took longer than I thought to move past it, this whole year a time of healing for me, but 22 years is a long time to move past.

It was not always an easy ride.  I have a lot of great memories, and a part of my heart that was so devoted to him will always love him.  But there are painful parts too.  Some of our own making, much that was just inflicted upon us from the outside, from life and frankly crappy cards dealt by fate.  Well okay, Divine Providence.  And while to us they seemed crappy, we were meant to go through those rough waters for a reason.  Most of those reasons won’t be understood in this lifetime.

Either way, now that I’ve reached the point in my life where I want to box it all up, NEED to box it all up, I am purging it all. It is on the shelf.  It is the first of the boxes to be taped up today and left here in 2011.

A new year is here.

A new, fresh start.

A blank canvas waiting to be filled with a  year of hard work, lessons to learn, and a heart and mind focused where it should have been all along.  On the One that never fails me, never leaves me, has my name written on His hand, and will always love me, though I certainly do not deserve it.

The other two, small boxes, just hold miscellaneous stuff and the odds and ends that don’t really have a category or need a box of their own.  The ‘paper schnittzles’ of 2011 that needed to be swept up and away.  Nothing  noteworthy just little dust bunnies of sorts.

It feels good to leave this all behind.

*Raises glass*

To a new year – bring on 2012!

~*~

Blowing The Dust Off This Place

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I have been negligent with this blog page, and for that I apologize.  I have neglected a lot of things really.

I stopped going to church after being judged a bit too much by people there.  I lost sight of the fact that they too are sinners and imperfect.  I got my feelings hurt and got all defensive and then just walked away.  I still pray, still try to be in the Word, but not in a church.  See, this was just so wrong on  my part. So, Sunday, being 1/1/2012…I am going back.  I’m not going to let it bother me when someone questions or judges me and my walk. The only one that matters is my Savior.  He knows my  heart, soul and mind, and I’m a detailed work in progress.  He and He alone knows the truth inside me.  Others will have to be patient as He works in me to make the changes that need to be made.

My journey back to God and church had been a difficult one for me.  My life path went places no one should ever go.

I also let hurts get to me.  I know now that I have a lot of unresolved pain still from my divorce, and that needs to be dealt with. Now.

I’ve started looking into DivorceCare groups in my area.  Meanwhile I’m getting the daily devotional email from them and I’ve bought Kay Arthur’s book, Lord Heal My Hurts.  I read it a long time ago but I needed a refresher.  The DivorceCare daily emails recommends it.  I love anything that woman writes so I’ll be starting that now.

This page is getting a make-over, I may even change the name.  Not sure yet what I will do.

2012 is ahead of me, and I am very excited.  I’ve put away the seeking for a relationship, I need to heal me, focus on me, grow me.  Heck FIND me.  I need to spend time on me and my walk, life etc, not on finding someone to fill my heart.  That void is best filled leading a godly life.

So, be patient while I rearrange, clean house, and get this page the way I want it for 2012.

In Christ,

Marti

The Single Girl And The Silver Lining

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Face it, singles…we have a pretty sweet life. We have ROOM to be who we want to be and to see what we wanna see. It’s not that difficult to find the silver lining in our situation. ~ The Single Woman

I was reading one of my favorite bloggers, The Single Woman, today, and that jumped out at me.  As I find myself yet again single, it is at times easy to be envious of those that have a significant other to spend the holidays with, especially as it is my very favorite time of the year.  Or to dream, build a business and relationship with, a life for two.   Her blog post today was more about singles that had yet to be married and have kids, that struggle with having so many friends that are marrying, pregnant or new parents. For me, it is at the other end of the spectrum that I reside.

I’ve been married, twice now.  I don’t really count the first marriage that much as it only lasted a few years and other than my wonderful son and the fantastic step-daughter I had during those years, there really is nothing good about that one.  My second marriage ended nearly 2 years ago, the divorce final 16 months ago.  That one I have to count, it was just short of 22 years long and for the most part I think full of good memories.  I will take the ex-husband at his words that it was 90% good.  I think it is accurate, though he is correct it was 10% bad.  And that bad isn’t all my fault or my temper, we had a lot of very difficult hurdles to over come, many related to his health throughout and that impacted us financially.  I have a gorgeous daughter, inside and out, as a result of my long marriage.  So, I’ve done the marriage and dirty diapers thing, and have the best kids a mom could ask for that are all grown up and one even getting married in a few months.  No envy for that portion of life, I feel my cup over flows there.

My envy is the lack of someone to hold me when I cry, to walk the beaches with, go to the Festival Of Lights with to see all the lights at the zoo, to snuggle with and watch TV.  I had it 3  times now since the marriage ended, and each time very much loved the men I was involved with, Mr. Wonderful, The Superhero and The Count.  Sadly each ended and really there was nothing wrong on either side, it simply didn’t work.  Unfortunately the heart gets some cracks and even broken pretty badly as a result.  But that is another blog for another day this week.

Being single at 48 isn’t really that bad, in fact in looking for the silver lining, it pretty much rocks!  And as envious as I am of those in relationships and marriages, I know that The Single Woman is correct, many attached females look sideways at me with jealousy too.

The Silver Lining Of Being Single:

  • I get  to make my own decisions without having to consider how the outcome will impact others.
  • I wear the perfume I like, not what ‘he’ likes.
  • I get the whole bed to myself.
  • If I need to snuggle at night, I have a teddy bear, and he has never been unkind, spoken harshly, argued with me or hurt my feelings.
  • Chick flicks are a given.
  • I don’t have to wrap my schedule around anyone elses.
  • I can dye my hair any color I want without worrying about someone not finding me as attractive.
  • Same goes for ‘littering’ my body with ink, only one that has to approve or like my new tattoo is me.
  • I can sleep and snore like a freight train without a nudge, elbow to the back etc.
  • I don’t have to listen to anyone else snoring, Teddy doesn’t snore and neither does my cat.
  • My cat is always happy to see me, even with muck mouth in the morning.
  • I don’t need  to clear purchases with anyone, the money is all mine to do with as I see fit.
  • I can be who I want to be, not try to adapt to who I am needed to be for someone else.
  • No one says “I told you so” if I mess up something I wanted to try.
  • I don’t have to split the holidays with someone else’s family, I get to enjoy mine every holiday.
  • I can flirt, unashamed, with the cute mechanic working on my car.
  • I can accept a dinner date or drink, and share a hot passionate kiss with that cute UPS guy.

The list could go on forever.  Certainly I had a long list when married or in a relationship that made singles jealous, but now I’m single and I can see that I have a pretty green pasture over here on this side of the fence too.  And as The  Single Woman said, “Anyone can get married.  Not just anybody can be fabulous.”   Not that one needs to be single to be so, but I am pretty darn fabulous.

The Other Side Of The Rainbow

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I wondered many times how long it would take for the searing pain in my heart to not only diminish but simply be gone.  That pain that began when the former prince told me he wanted a divorce, and I realized he wasn’t changing his mind.  That was a pain like nothing else I have felt.  It would increase when I saw things he would post on his Facebook page,  snide remarks, or others would post.  Everyone knew it was about me.  It would also increase when I found out he was dating someone.  His ‘present’, the moving forward with his life, was still my future.  It took a long time for my heart to be ready to let go of him.  Oh I still love him, always will, but one day my heart finally moved out of that harbor where I’d have taken him back again, that ship has sailed.

There were still times when seeing him would cause a day or two of agony, then it would pass and life would go on.  Passing him on the road, or seeing him in the bay when I passed the fire house, even just seeing his van there, would bring up old feelings and hurt.  I avoided passing the fire houses if it meant going far out of my way to get around the township.

Little by little the hurt decreased, and bothered me less and less.  Yesterday, for the first time, I discovered it was completely gone.  I was out with my daughter, taking her to lunch then running an errand.  I came to an intersection, and there at the opposite stop sign was the former prince on  his motorcycle, with his new girlfriend in my old spot on the back.  I braced myself inwardly for the flood of misery and jealousy…and it didn’t come.  Instead I waved as we passed, and he waved too (talk about a random awkward moment) and then I found myself thinking “good job, Piere, she is very pretty, and just like you like ‘em, very thin”.  Only thing she isn’t, that was always was a part of his ‘dream girl’, she is a blond and not brunette.  Go figure!  It has been a long time since I had seen a big smile on his face, and it was good to see him smiling and happy again.  He always did have a great, Tom Cruise kinda shit eating grin.  I felt a very foreign feeling toward him…real, honest joy for his life.

I have spent the past evening and morning trying to figure out exactly why that old, familiar torment had vanished and was replaced with good feelings for him.  Is it because I have found someone special that thinks the world of me?  Someone I’m having those “if we, I need, I want” conversations with as we look toward a possible future together?  Is it the power of forgiveness for perceived wrongs and prayers for rather than against him?  Or is it that my heart has finally healed and scarred over.  Maybe it is all of that…

…whatever it is, I’ve finally arrived on the other side of the rainbow!

Coffee & Cupcakes ~ Zombie Edition

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Coffee – the life blood of this Diva.  I likely drink far more than I should but I wouldn’t  consider facing the day without it!

Cupcakes – small portions  of something delicious, CAKE!  Sugar, fat, calories…YUM!

My brain is powered by the coffee as I write and the cupcakes in this case are small servings of a variety of things on my mind.  Cute, I know ;)

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

I feel like a Zombie today.  I went to bed at a decent hour (what I define as decent) and slept like a downed tree…until 3am when I woke up.  I was still awake at 4:30am, that was the last time I recall seeing the clock before the alarm went off at 6:00 this morning.  UGH.  The coffee pot is my best friend today, keeping the eyes open so the diapered crumb crunchers don’t duct tape me to a chair in the closet and dance on the coffee table to the Backyardigans.

If you saw my post-it note entry today, you know that I used that time of insomnia to come up with a new term.  I even googled it, then sent it to Urban Dictionary in the hopes of coining my new term, Zombie  Texting.  Not to be confused with drunk texting – which people do when sh*t faced drunk.  Those are fun because some people are so much more honest when they are intoxicated and you learn how they really feel.  Or they get obnoxious and flirty.  Either way they usually send apology texts the next day when they review their phone and discover their 2:30am booty requests.  Zombie texting is done when sober.  Like last night.  I woke up and couldn’t sleep and got very bored.  I knew of only 2 people that would be up at 3am, my son because he was on patrol, and a male friend of mine that like me has issues knowing when it is a good time to end the party and go to sleep.  My son must have been busy because I didn’t get a response until long after I had finally fallen back asleep.  My friend, well he was awake!  And most likely drunk texting in response to my Zombie Texts.

I have a new favorite kid show that I swear has some of the best songs, Backyardigans.  Great show, great music, and it is what my friend calls ‘baby crack’.  It comes on and there is silence in the room aside from singing along with the songs.

Still thinking on just how much will actually land on my private thoughts section.  I feel censored by even having that, but I do get it.  If it wasn’t my kids that were  impacted then I’d likely think differently and say “screw it, don’t like it don’t read it” but they are important enough for me to use it.  Dunno, jury is still out on that  one.  Really not sure why anyone that reads my page feels the need to say anything to my kids or my ex, but for some reason they do.

We Divas learn something new every day.  Sometimes the lessons come free, like there is a safety feature on our garage door opener for when we go on vacation, it allows us to open the garage from inside with the button on the wall, but not the remotes.  Very cool, we learned this after the button to engage that was accidentally pushed.  That was a free lesson when we found someone that could diagnose it over the phone.  The dishwasher was not so cheap a lesson.  Seems there is a switch on the wall that when you turn it off it turns off power to the appliance.  That little service call was expensive to learn that the only reason it wasn’t working was someone had flipped the switch.  SIGH….oh well it is what it is and we now know! (I knew we should have just called my ex, he can fix anything!)

Working on several topical posts today. Many in various stages of completion.  Some for specific days, others for whenever I feel like it.  One in particular is about divorce, moms and step moms.  I am writing part one of that, and part two is being written by a step mom that is very near and dear to my heart.  My hope is that it will be educational to those that read it, and maybe even help a few folks think through some things.  But for now, that is as much teaser as I will put out there.  You just have to keep stopping by!

Here, have a cupcake….

I Miss You…

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….Or maybe not?

Yesterday on the ride and over lunch, Mr. Wonderful and I talked a lot about our past relationships.  He asked me a question, one of those deeper ones, about my ex-husband.  He asked me, aside from things like living in that house, being with my kids, on a personal level, what did I miss about Pete.  Not something that someone else could do (a body to sleep next too, hugs etc), but what specifically about Pete himself did I miss now that he is gone.  I had to think about it long and hard….and still came up with nothing.  Nothing at all.  My mom and I talked about it later, and she asked if I had been happy when I  was married.  I  thought I was, though now I suppose it was just contentment of sorts.

After drawing a blank, Stan asked me what I thought Pete missed about me.  Again…nothing.  I really don’t think there is anything personal and specific to me that he misses at all.

I find this rather sad really, that I cannot come up with one single thing that I miss about the man.  I can tell you several things I miss about others in my life.  If he would have asked what I miss about the last guy I dated most recently, I could have given several things about him I miss even though it was a short lived relationship. Had he asked what I missed when he (Stan) and I parted company before reformatting our relationship into a friendship, I could have given several things as well.  But not a single thing about the man I was married to, slept next too, raised children with and loved for 23 years.

I fell asleep contemplating it and still, this morning, and now this afternoon, I draw a complete blank.

A 22 year marriage ended 16 months ago, and I miss….nothing.

Featured Friend Friday – For The Love Of Fathers

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Featured Friend

Friday


Welcome to Featured Friend Friday!

The following blog was submitted anonymously.  Well okay, I know the author, but you do not.  However what she wrote about hit me hard, it needs to be read and shared.  I hope  folks walk away with the idea that there are two sides to every story, especially divorces, and never be too quick to judge based on one side of the story, coming from an emotionally charged up ex or soon to be ex spouse.   Remember that their words are biased and should be taken with a grain of salt.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~


With Father’s Day coming up soon, I have been thinking about the fathers I have known in my life.  My own dad, my brother, the father of my child and many friends.   Some married for many years, some co-parenting with the mothers of their children.  I can honestly say most are good or great fathers.  I don’t think I have ever known someone who fit the definition of a “deadbeat” dad.  I hear many people say women who are divorced with children are “single moms.”  The most common description of a single mom is a woman who has been left by the father of her child to raise their child(ren) alone.  That definition evokes much sympathy and compassion towards the woman who chooses to tell people that she is a single mom.  So those women who choose to use this term to garner sympathy when there is an active, willing and supportive father in the picture are disrecptful to other divorced mothers and fathers who are alone in raising their child(ren).

I know one such father who is co-parenting with the mother of his children.  From the beginning of the end of their relationship, he has insisted on shared parenting (or having his children 50% of the time).  He has never faltered on this request and continues to fight for shared parenting.  He has provided financial support beyond what was ever required or would have been ordered by any court.  His children are in his thoughts from his first waking breath in the morning to the last moment before he sleeps at night.  Raising their children has not been easy for either one, but so many things have been said in social circles about him being a father that does nothing for his children.  I can say with confidence that this father does not deserve the things being said about him.  He has spent hours helping his son keep his car running, sacrificing his hands and body all the time.  He has shed tears and spent countless time worrying about his daughter’s happiness.  He sits at the table and helps with homework, flashcards and reading.  He has dropped what he is doing  to pick one of them up when they need a ride.  He worries about what his children eat and drink and insists on dinner around the table each night.  Not fast food, not dinner on the run, not eating in the kitchen, but sitting his family down together for conversation and bonding.  He wants to help them pursue their interests and guide them even when they don’t want to be guided.  His love for his children can be seen in his face when he speaks about them.  His proudest moments are when they achieve or excel in one of their goals.  They are happy and safe when they are with him.

Now here is when you are expecting me to say this father deserves a gold star or some special recognition.  No.  He is simply doing what a father should do.  What I am saying is that anyone who spreads gossip or untruths about this man should stop.  You have no right to judge what you don’t know.   You do not live his life or spend any time with him and his children when they are together.  You have never asked his side of the story (yes, there are two sides to every story).  He is a good father and provider and anyone who says anything contrary is simply lying.

I feel lucky to have so many great dads in my life.

Happy Father’s Day to the dad’s out there.

More On The Pause…

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Yesterday I posted a scattering of feelings and thoughts that have been springing up.  Much came to a head over the weekend when I woke up and realized my current position in life.  There isn’t one.

Oh  yes, I am still a daughter, sister, mom, aunt, friend etc, but things are suddenly very different in my head.

It used to be that any decisions I made had to be weighed against how it would impact my spouse and children.  At 22yo I was divorcing and a single mom, trying to keep my  head above water and had a little boy that was very dependent on me to keep it all together and balanced.  I wish I could say I was a smashing success but the reality is many days I was functioning on auto-pilot at best.  Sure I had lofty goals as a mother, early to bed, bath every night, healthy foods and lots of quality play time with my baby boy.  Reality was more in line with “here, have a Twinkie, please just stop hanging on mommy’s leg and whining for 5 minutes so I can make dinner.”  I wanted to be the greatest mom walking but I was lucky if I made it through the day with minimal dribble on my shoulder and the poor kid had on a clean diaper.

I remember one night, after being sleep deprived for weeks, when I finally snapped.  He was in bed, crying, dry diaper, well fed and I was beyond my last reserve nerve.  I was a rattled zombie.  I checked on him, closed his door, picked up the phone book and stretched the phone (days before cordless) out on my apartment balcony and shut the door so I could not hear him.  I was crying my eyes out and flipping through the phone book for a frazzled parents hot line.  Nothing there, go figure.  I ended up calling the suicide hot line.  I wasn’t suicidal, but I was getting to that moment where I knew how parents might snap and really smack the crap out of a kid.  So I did the only thing I could think to do, remove myself from him and call someone who cared or could at least pretend too.  Guess it was a really slow night in the ‘hey I wanna off myself’ realm, because the nice guy talked to me for well over an hour.  I spilled my heart out about my frustrations with being divorced at 22, a single mom, at a job that had just cut our pay 10% when I wasn’t able to make  ends meet as it was, in an upside down loan on a new car and more debt than I knew what to do with.  I told him how frustrated and tired I was and how I just wanted one glorious night of sleep, but this toddler kept crying and kept getting me up and I just couldn’t take it anymore.  He listened, said all the right things…then after about an hour and a half suggested I go check on the baby.  I came back to report he was sleeping soundly, at which point the nice man suggested I go do that same and wished me well.

Later I’d remarry, have another child, and find myself the bread winner during an agonizing 17 plus surgeries with the ex hubby.  I hated my job, hated carrying so much responsibility and hated my life.  I couldn’t blow my nose, it seemed, without wondering if it would be a good thing for my family.  Jobs, homeschooling, doctors, college at night…everything had to be weighed.  Even divorcing there were so many decisions to make that had to be in the best interest of my daughter more than anyone.

I  have been the victim of the economy 3 times now when it comes to employment.  26 years at one job, then barely 8 months at the next 2.  It is why I opted for childcare and Avon.

Because of my current living arrangements, I am fortunate not to have to be so concerned about what I do.  I just need to make enough to pay my bills.  I have no spouse, my kids are adults, and no one is depending on me, no one NEEDS me.  Yes the Divas would miss me but if someone erased Marti from the face of the earth, on a financial level and responsibility level, there would be little if any impact on anyone.  No one’s life would change dramatically over it as far as their standard of living.

It was a piece of cake when I went to college at 37, I  knew what I wanted to do.  Then life threw a curve ball as I was one class away and we ended up kinship foster parents to 4 kids for a year.  I lost the drive and desire to be a sign language interpreter.  I love the language still but just not sure I could ever do it for a living.

Right now I am in a new place in my life, and I’m terrified.  No sense of direction, no clear path, heck no path at all.  I am free to make any decision I want for my life and for the first time it is all about me.  No way to see what is around the bend, and yet no real need to know.  I am sitting still and not sure what to do.  No sense of anything big or small about to happen….just nothingness.  And I have NO idea what to do.  I should relish the stillness but it is not something comfortable for me.  I NEED direction, plans and goals.  And I got nothing.

I do not like this at all.  :(

Meet Me On Monday

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Meet Me on Monday!!

Welcome to the 37th edition of “Meet Me On Monday!” Blogging  is a funny thing…we tell our most intimate thoughts for all to read  and yet most of the time I find myself sitting and wondering, “who is  this person!?”  I know them…but yet I don’t know them!  I want  to know who the person is behind all those words so I thought of a great  way for all of us to “meet” each other!

Every Sunday Never Growing Old will post five get to know you questions that you can copy and paste into your own Monday post and we  can all learn a little more about each and every one of us!!

“Its a great way to to meet new friends and for others to get to know me better….one Monday at a time!!!”….as quoted by the Chacogirl!! I will make this SIMPLE and FUN!!!

Questions:

1.  What is your favorite way to eat potatoes?
2.  What was the last package that was delivered to your house?
3.  What is your favorite scent that you love to smell?
4.  Do you smoke?
5.  Are your parents married or divorced?

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

1.  What is your favorite way to eat potatoes?

Mashed with some butter and salt, or gravy, or heck even both!  But mashed and smashed  is the way to go for me!

2.  What was the last package that was delivered to your house?

If my memory serves me correctly,  it was Pro Active Solution for my niece.

3.  What is your favorite scent that y0u love to smell?

That is a tough one, as I love many scents at different times of the year and for various reasons.  For the sake of an answer, cinnamon candles, specifically Wood Wick cinnamon  sugar cookie!

4.  Do you smoke?

Not anymore. I used too, but I quit 26 years ago  this coming July 4th.

5.  Are your parents married or divorced?

My parents divorced after 27 years of marriage.

What’s Growing Under My Feet???

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Mama's Losin' It

“The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise man grows it under his feet.” — James Oppenheim

LESSON LEARNED

 

I am no stranger to adversity, pain and a broken heart, my life path has encountered these on more than a few occasions and sometimes, through my own fault.  But one thing these bumps in the broken road have taught me is that happiness is right where I am.

I married the starter hubby at 19, full of Cinderella dreams that came crashing down soon after the engagement.  Hey, when the groom shows up to the wedding drunk, it MIGHT be a sign that you should yank up those skirts and run like hell for the hills.  My daddy even leaned over and whispered something to the effect that it wasn’t too late to kick off those heels and bolt if I was so inclined.  I missed that less than subtle hint, and I guess everyone thought I was aware that my very soon to be husband was plastered.  I wasn’t even remotely aware that the ridiculous grin on his face had zero to do with making me his wife, and everything to do with  over consumption of alcohol until communion, when he downed the entire chalice of wine himself.  We had already said our vows, were legally wed….EPIC FAIL!

Then I met and became legally bound again a few years later and once again had blissful dreams of happily ever after.  While married I was happy, and loved him very much. But it was all a dream while I slept for those years.

When Sleeping Beauty awoke from that beautiful dream, a shattered heart was the reality.  But it didn’t take me long to pull from memory and stop dreaming of somewhere over the rainbow in the distance and start finding happiness right there in my own back yard (thank you Dorothy).  There, in my present reality, I found happiness.   In those people that chose to wrap around me in love and support, I found comfort.  In the little things like the sun shining, a great song on the radio, a scoop of my favorite ice cream, or a special text from my niece* when I went home before we all moved into one house, I found happiness growing under my feet.  As it grew like a vine it wrapped around me, and on bare branches roses of hope and joy bloomed.

I am a fairly easy person to please, pretty low maintenance.  I don’t need a lot to make me happy.  A favorite candy bar, a warm hug and a really deep kiss, my hand wrapped in someone else’s, the giggles of the kids in the neighborhood as they play outside, the purr of my cat in my ear when she wants me to wake up and scratch her head, my daughter’s dog running at me all excited to see mommy (gotta love visitation with the pooch!), curled up with a cup of coffee and the Divas on a winter morning in front of the fire place, or on a starry night on our deck, a sweet text “good night” or “good morning”, hugs from the twin 6yo nieces, these are the things that are now, under foot, growing the REAL happiness in life, in the current moment.

 

*one night when I left the Divas, while preparing to move out of the Black Hole’s galaxy, my niece texted me, “don’t lose your green card, we want you back!”.  It made me tear up to know someone wanted me.

 

Don’t Play Your Tuba At Someone’s Violin Solo

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“Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.…” ~ Samuel Butler


I wonder if we thought about that daily, how differently we might behave?  If we were playing a violin solo, in public view, while learning to play it as we went along, most of us would be diligent to practice, and try very hard to put on a good performance.  But in the game of  life we don’t always strive to be our best, we often forget who is watching us as we perform.

When my marriage came to an end, it shocked me.  I was devastated and really took it very hard.  A marriage ending is much a like a death, and there are stages that you go through just like when losing a loved one.  In many ways I think it is harder when it is a divorce, as you have to go on and from the background you are forced to watch the other person move  on without you.  If they wanted out they are off and living their new life, often before you even know the marriage is over, so their present is often your own future.  They are going on, you are still picking up the pieces of your heart trying to figure out how to glue them all back together again and just learn to breathe.

As I moved through the grief stages I thought I did a fair job of handling things considering  no one  handed me the sheet music to play with the announcement or when we filed the paper work.  I was expected to play an unfamiliar symphony with no conductor.  In many faiths you cannot get married without going to classes.  I think classes in how to get divorced would be a great requirement in order to even file the papers to get things started.  Anyway I thought I had done a fair job of handling things.  That is until the other evening when I made a comment to my daughter about how ugly my brother’s divorce has gotten and how vindictive and mean I’ve learned his ex-wife-to-be has become.  My daughter, wise beyond her 20yrs, looked at me and said “you aren’t one to talk”.  That brought me up short.  I never saw anything I did as being  close to the ugliness I see coming from my sister-in-law.  But the more I thought about it the more I could see that my kids were impacted by my solo show, regardless of how well I thought I had played.

I could have fought hard and forced the ex to sell the house, and dragged things  through court, but while I made a lot of threats in hurt and anger, I didn’t do that.  I did send a good number of mean spirited texts and emails to my ex, often threatening to get a lawyer and fight for all I could get, but I didn’t mean them.  I never did get a lawyer, never went after anything,  I just acted out in emotional turmoil.  But what I didn’t take into account was how much my kids would see and know, or how they’d be affected, as I was  playing that violin.  There were things I said in front of them, and I’m certain there were things their dad shared that he would have been better not too.  It really caused  some issues and hurt to my daughter that I was being less than kind.  Referring to her daddy as “he who shall not be named”, “Lord Voldemort” and assorted other not so nice  nick names really did not do much good, they caused her to withdraw from me to the less  hostile environment at her daddy’s.  My son is more removed in that until last week he didn’t live at home any longer so he was able to stay fairly neutral.  He didn’t over hear either his dad or me talking to others or to one another so he wasn’t impacted like his sister.  At times I made no attempt whatsoever to play the music, I was too busy bashing the ex virtually over the head with my violin, it wasn’t a very nice performance.

A very wise man that has been through a number of divorces himself, made the comment to me  one day that divorces  usually turn into drama fests and fights because of those outside of the marriage.  The friends and relatives on both sides feed the fires with comments and opinions that would be better left unsaid.  They tend to get one side of  the story but not both, form an opinion and then pick up their tuba in an effort to enhance the production, influencing their side to go for it all, etc., embellishing the facts or even telling out and out lies, trying to make one side look bad.  In the end,  it serves no good purpose but to make a bigger mess of an on stage musical that never  should have opened the curtains.  And  in the end, the outcome is not usually changed at all by the fighting and attacks, the  courts have a pretty standard method for how things get divided up and doled out.  The only parties that hurt are those hearts  caught up in the middle, usually the kids.  Even in my late 20′s, as my own parents divorce was taking place, I heard remarks made  by friends and family members that had taken my dad’s side.  I’ve never forgotten those things, and while it is forgiven, I have no desire to be around those  that judged and pushed the drama rather than just staying neutral.

As you play your violin solo of life, keep in mind that others are hearing and watching your performance,  and often we are unaware of those in the audience.  You usually only get one shot at each piece of music you have to play, make sure that you give it your all in such a way that the critics can give you rave reviews.  Oh,  and don’t try to play your tuba during someone else’s violin solo, trust me you won’t be doing anything to enhance their performance.

 


A Letter To My (Former) Best Friend

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30 Day Letter Writing Challenge

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

~*~

Dear Pete/Ex-husband,

I know I said I was not going to mention you in my blogs anymore, but I did give the ‘unless it is positive’ disclaimer.  Besides, when this topic came up you were the most recent best friend so you won by default.

Simon Howden / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I don’t know if my suspicions and all the rumors and ‘scoops’ given to me about you near the end of our marriage were true or not, but that is all water under the bridge.  I know nothing happens that is not meant too and for whatever reason, the time for the end of our marriage came about.  I know I reacted poorly on many occasions throughout that process of hearing from you that you wanted out and up until very recently, I’m just not sure how a person is supposed to react when they think everything is wonderful and their dream suddenly explodes into a pile of smoking debris.

First let me say that I’m very sorry for anything and everything I did or said in the past 23 years of knowing each other that brought pain or added suffering to your life.  I am far from perfect as you more than anyone else on this planet well knows.  I tried in my human imperfection to be the best wife to you that I could be, and I know that I failed in so many ways, miserably.  It is no secret that I’m an over achiever when it comes to failures.  But hopefully in that 90% you say was good about us and our marriage, you have some sweet, wonderful, and beautiful memories.  I certainly do!  I also hope that you are able to forgive me where I fell short.

You were a good husband in many ways.  You always worked very hard to keep a roof over our heads when you were able to work, often through intense pain physically.  No one can ever say you were less than a driven soul when it came to work, you always gave way more of yourself than you were compensated for, and it is commendable.

You were and are an outstanding dad, first to Michael who you loved like your own, and then to Liesl.  Both were very fortunate to have you there and I hope that they know this as much as I do.  I know you weren’t perfect, but you did excel far more than you know.

You were also my best friend, like you will never know.  You kept me safe, warm, and well taken care of over the years.  You tolerated my imperfections as best you could, I am well aware.  And you will never know and understand this, but the best thing you did for me was send me away.  At the time I didn’t see that, but now I see the good that has come and is coming from that.  No, not interested in reconciling, I never wish to be married to you again, I am not the one that will ever be able to bring joy and peace to your life, but someone out there will!

I am sorry that somehow I missed the attempts you made to tell me of my issues.  I am sorry that it took you leaving the marriage for me to see the damage I had done to your heart over the years.  I have those under control now and I’m a better person for the shocking reality I finally faced.  Nope, didn’t face it with the grace a class I aim for in life but then you know how hard-headed I can be at times.  :)   I also learned some hard lessons in this past year about my inability to drink without being an emotion charged stick of TNT.

You were right about so much that I am sorry now I didn’t give heed too.  A year of mourning and adjustments, and now renewed faith has brought much to light for me.  So this one last time I did feel the need to talk to/about you in my blog.

I wish you all the best, with all sincerity.  I hope you find  someone who can make you very happy, you deserve that.  And some day, for the sake of our kids and grandkids to be, I hope we can one day be friends again.  You were the center of my world, and I keep a special place in my heart for you.  I still pray for your safety when I hear the sirens.  You were a great friend, a good husband, a great dad and over all really a great man.

The past is done, water under the bridge, buried.  Here’s to the future and happiness!  Stay safe out there, Mike and Liesl still need their daddy!

With much fondness,

Marti