TheSingleWoman™ – As uncertain as the life of a single girl might be..we make our own rules & answer only to ourselves..& that ROCKS.

The door to the secret garden of my heart is slammed shut and locked.  Yeah, all is not good in paradise today.  And if you know anything about me you know that if you hurt my feelings bad enough, I’m going to completely close up and good luck getting me to open up again.  My heart is a very fragile thing, has been for a few years now and for me to open it to anyone is a huge step for me.  And for anyone to find themselves in possession of a key to the gate of my secret garden, the deep parts of me, the whole of my heart and soul, well use it responsibly because while I do not pick who has that key, fate/chemistry/God does, I do chose who will suddenly find their key no longer works in the lock.

I’m trying very hard not to be irrational, stomping pacing back and forth in front of the gate on the inside of the wall, the temptation to revoke access is definitely there.  Once I revoke it, it is never available again, which is why this Taurian is snorting and stomping fuming and pacing.  I’ve worked hard the past two years, with the help of the meds, to learn to control my reactions and instead of reacting, chose to  respond.

As I have said in my About Me section, I am known for posting things now and then that may be considered inappropriate, or not thinking through things before I hit post/publish.  This is not just on my blog, it goes on Facebook too.  Seems I did that…well okay after further review of the play, the penalty call stands.  I cannot reverse it no matter how many red flags I toss out there on the field.

The post was a video of some of the occupy Wall Street ladies topless, whining and carrying on about the cops telling them to put their shirts back on.  I found it hard to take these idiots seriously when I saw it, so much for being intelligent liberals, obviously you had to resort to displaying your less than impressive rack to gain attention to your cause as no one was paying attention.  And they sure weren’t going to take you seriously now!  But back on track here (love when I hijack my own blog).  I posted that, not thinking about the fact that the Count’s 12yo grandson would see it.  Seems the Count didn’t care for it either.  I thought I had set it so the  children/youngsters on my Facebook didn’t see it, but guess that was an epic FAIL.  I had commented on a photo of a cheerleader with a spot on the crotch of her shorts too, that I thought it was photo shopped.  Because I commented on it, the way Facebook works these days, it showed up in the feeds of my friends.  I didn’t think about that, I’m still adjusting to the changes Facebook made (when will they learn if it isn’t broken don’t fix it?).

Now backing up a tad here, things have been strained between me and the count of late, at least it felt that way.  I knew going into this that this time of year he works, A LOT.  As in he is at work before most of us get out of bed in the morning, and is still working when most of us go to bed at night.  And we’re seeing each other one day a week if that.  But as I said, this I knew so while I am a woman that needs more attention than a random text every day, I was being patient and trying not to complain.  Though I admit I felt like the family pooch given the crumbs brushed off the table after everyone else had their portion of the count’s time.  It’s what you do when you love someone.  And is wasn’t going to last forever, just a few more weeks before things would be normal again.

So, Friday at 9pm I received a text, him venting about work.  I sent multiple texts after that.  Nothing, no response at all.  I had dinner with a very dear friend last night and came home to discover I had been deleted from the Count’s Facebook, and his grandson’s.  No text, email or phone call to explain, just gone.  I texted and got no reply. I called and left a voicemail, nothing.  Now maybe I am not thinking this through clearly (damn muscle relaxers) but when one goes from dozens of texts a day, slowly down to a random ONE most days…it is hard to hold on with that crumb.  Then to go over 24 hours with no communication and to find oneself removed from their significant other’s friends list and their grandson’s.  Well I’m sorry if I jumped to the wrong conclusion after the attempts to communicate from my end, but I assumed the relationship had come to a halt.  Please feel free to point out to me if you think this was not a valid conclusion.

I come to find out, finally after making that assumption in a text in the wee hours of this morning when I couldn’t sleep and asking yet again later at a reasonable hour of the morning when I still had no reply, that he removed me and made the grandson remove me, over that video and the picture.  And now he needs to take a step back and rethink us?

All this could have been avoided with a quick text pointing out the necessary reminder (told ya I don’t think things through all the time) that there is a child on my Facebook and that the items were inappropriate viewing material.  But no, he reacted in anger (he said he was mad over it) and deleted me.

Now, I might be wrong here as I’m stomping through my vegetation tip toeing through the tulips inside the garden here, but when you go from “I love you” and “I miss you” and talking about a future, a business, and a life together, to all of the above….well to ME it sure seems like someone was just looking for an easy way out?  How about just telling me you want out, it isn’t working for you, whatever.  If anyone thinks it hurts less this way well they are quite mistaken.

The  worst part is I find myself repeating dance steps of the past…making excuses for him!  He is working so hard, long hours, is sleep deprived and grumpy and on a short fuse these days….when in fact there is no excuse for treating someone you say you love this way!  Communication is key to any relationship and there was a huge lack of it here.  And I cannot do this again, I’m not going to be an option rather than a priority in anyone’s life.  And I am sure as hell not going to change who and what I am to fit in anyone’s mold.  Been there, done that, and spent a long time  peeling back the layers and rediscovering who I really was and I am NOT going back in a box for anyone.  Take me as I am or don’t take me at all!

In the words of my all time favorite quote and personal mantra:

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”~ Marilyn Monroe

And  honestly, if that is the worst anyone ever has to deal with, my imperfection when it comes to posting stuff now and then that maybe I need to think through, but my best is loyalty, love and total faithfulness and support, then  they should seriously be thankful because I’m one hell of a great package!  If he cannot handle my worst…well as it says, he doesn’t deserve my best.

Which must be evident  to many because the single men are already swarming  like cockroaches when the lights go out, asking for a chance to see if they might hold that key to the garden gate after seeing my relationship status change to single when someone deleted me.

Sorry boys, the marvelous one needs time to let the cracks in her heart heal right now.