Tag Archive | Dating

The Dating Diaries ~ Prerequisites

Mar21

Now yes, I have taken this year off and shelved dating for 2012, but I shelved my nails too and those are back.  But I’m not in any rush to un-shelve the whole dating fiasco, still working on ME.  However it doesn’t mean that I cannot be mapping the necessary requirements for consideration when the time comes to submit one’s dating resume.  Right?

 

Shortly after my divorce was final, I had posted 10 Qualifications For A Frog Prince With Benefits, mostly in fun, as I was NOT really seeking anyone, and figured if I did anything it would be a friend with benefits.  Fate showed me once again that it is impossible for men and women to be just friends if it is just the two of them and not couple to couple friends, because over time attraction will grow. And then things happen.  But looking back the qualifications, should I ever decide to come out of dating retirement, would apply for a REAL relationship:

QUALIFICATIONS FOR FROG PRINCE WITH BENEFITS A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP

  1. Transportation: Having a car is a must for a FPWB – a Princess doesn’t use public transportation.  She also does not ‘pick up’ the Prince, that is his job.  The Princess is supposed to grace the passenger seat of the carriage of the Prince with her beauty.
  2. Motorcycle: Should the FPWB also happen to own a motorcycle, he gains instant bonus points, as the Princess loves the position of fender fluff behind her Prince, wrapped around him.
  3. Fashion sense: is a must!  Men in midriff tops is NEVER acceptable!  Know what to wear and when to wear it! If you are in danger of friends/family calling in Stacy and Clayton from TLC’s What Not To Wear, don’t bother applying.
  4. Football Fan: You must be a football fan, as the Princess loves football! Bengals fans get highest marks, Colts behind them.  Ravens and Browns fans will be judged on a case by case basis, Steelers fans need not bother applying, it is grounds for REJECTION OF APPLICATION on the spot!
  5. Hygiene: Learn about it! Brush your teeth, shower and use soap and water, trim the tree and shave the jewels, and for the love of St. Peter if you can clearly shave numbers in your back hair, get a waxing! (hairy chests on the other hand are MORE than acceptable!
  6. Playful: A guy in touch with his inner child, that can have FUN with a little water fight with the hose, snowball fights, some friendly wrestling over the TV remote (you must, of course, throw the match as Princess must always win).  Princess is playful and possesses a sense of humor.  If you lack these qualities, hop over to someone else’s pond please or contact your Fairy Godmother for assistance.
  7. FOOD SENSE: Chips and dip does not qualify as tailgate or picnic food.  Princess likes both of those activities and expects you will have enough brains to know what to bring or how to use Google if not!  Her first and favorite test is a picnic in the park of her choosing to get to know you, what you pack for her to enjoy will tell her a lot about you! (this includes accessories needed for said adventure)
  8. Time Management: Princess is a very busy lady, her schedule books in advance.  While you may get lucky with last minute arrangements, it is best to book her time well ahead of the event.  Oh, and she frowns on cancellations and no shows, so don’t do it unless you want off the A-List.
  9. Cyber Savvy Flirt: The Princess likes a man who knows how to get her attention with a text or an email now and then, after all, she believes the world revolves around her. Oh wait, in HER universe it does, get used to it.
  10. NO Limp Shrimp!: Princess enjoys sex.  In fact that is the benefit side of this arrangement.  She couldn’t care less if you get your trout stout with or without a little blue pill, just make sure your one eyed dragon is alive and in the game when she is ready.

I also will want information on any applicant’s astrological sign.  If you have been following me for any length of time, you know that there are just certain guys that will never have a snow balls chance in hell.  I didn’t heed the compatibility stuff with The Count, and learned my lesson once again.  NO one born under the signs of Aquarius, Scorpio, or Leo need apply.  It is NOT going to happen. Period. End. Of. Discussion.

Another pre-req will be the out come of the 41Q Personality test.  Maybe.  Just humor me okay?  If you take the test and are interested, comment and use the 8 digit number it gives you at the end of the profile and I’ll post our compatibility results. Below is the screen shot of mine, without the number (no cheating!).  :)   It’s just for fun because I get asked so much when I’m going back on the market.  Not sure anyone can handle me, but would be curious to see.

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
~ Marilyn Monroe

~*~

Mid-Week Odds And Ends

Mar14

It is hump day.  My brain is all over the place.  Probably because the pressure is mounting.

I have my dress for the wedding, but not my shoes yet.  I have NO idea what shoes to wear!  I will worry about those Friday.  Maybe. I hope.

And then there is the rehearsal dinner, which is tomorrow night.  I still need to find something to wear to that! ARGH!  Headed out after dinner in search of something.  Gotta love my last minute approach.

*Note to Melissa: I WILL have shoes don’t worry, promise not show up at your wedding in my bare feet. No guarantee how long the shoes will remain on at the reception.  Mother-of-the-groom or not, I just HATE shoes!*

Today I went and had my nails put back on.  You’ll recall that in December last year I boxed those up and shelved them along with my highlights.   Soon after that I dyed my hair cherry-cola (far cheaper than the salon highlights!).  With the wedding this weekend, mama needed to have her nails done again, so today I am sporting claws!  I missed them SO much, but now I’m trying to get used to typing with them again. Ugh.  Then I will get used them again and not be able to function without them.   Frankly I missed them when I wear rings, as I feel women should have pretty hands and nails are so girly!  People notice rings and I prefer my nails to look amazing when they do!

One of my favorite parts of this coming weekend is that my son will be gaining a daughter, and he will make a great step-dad.  In fact short of the gene pool, he will be her daddy in every way, a role he is well trained for as my ex-husband was ‘dad’ to my son from before he can remember.  If he is half the dad to his new daughter that my ex was to him, he will do great.  And of course this means I am gaining a granddaughter.  I am SO excited.  She already calls him daddy, and me grandma.  I love it.  I love her and her mom (knew her mom since she was a little girl and frankly cannot believe I didn’t see way back then that this match would happen.

Naturally, being a grandma, I have to step it up now on holidays a bit.  I have already purchased somethings for her for Easter.  :)   Yeah, like she isn’t spoiled enough already.

If you look at those eyes, there is mischief in them.  I believe she is trying to marry me off based on conversations we’ve had (see previous post. And recently, when I kept her for an evening while mommy and daddy went to dinner, we had this one:

(I was chatting on IM with Sir Lancelot at the time and she sat down next to me on the couch)

Little Miss Mischief Photo by Penny Hodge Photography http://www.pennyhodgephotography.net

Ryann:  Who is that, grandma? (she could see his photo in the IM window)

Marti:  He is a friend of mine.

Ryann:  What’s his name?

Marti:  Sir Lancelot.

Ryann:  Is he your boyfriend?

Marti:  Not exactly.

Ryann:  Why not?

Marti:  I don’t have a boyfriend, sweetie.

Ryann:  Well why not?

Marti:  Because grandma doesn’t want a boyfriend, I’m not dating anyone right now, I took the whole year off from that.

Ryann:  Well HE can be your boyfriend then!

Marti:  NO he can’t.

Ryann: Why not?

Marti:  It’s complicated.

Ryann:  Are you going to marry him?

Marti:  (hiding that terrified look again) Um, no, I don’t want to get married right now.

Ryann:  Well, marry him later!  :)

Marti:  Not likely sweetheart.

Ryann:   I think you should.

Marti:  It’s just not that easy, honey.

See what I mean?  I really need to watch this kid, she is seriously into the match making game here, it’s a bit frightening!  She goes at this like it’s her job.

I also think it best if I not leave her alone with Sir Lancelot for so much as a second!  I don’t want her giving him any crazy ideas either.

My son and his beautiful bride. Photo by Penny Hodge Photography http://www.pennyhodgephotography.net

Because I am always asked, my snake ring is from Avon, visit my store by clicking the name below if you’d like to purchase one:
Wild Safari Critter Ring – Snake

I ALWAYS Have The Last Word

Mar8

Remember old Romeo, from The Secret Garden Part 1 and Part 2? The guy that was so sure he should be on the inside of the garden wall (the barrier around my heart), the one that sent me lavender roses because he had read so many of my blogs that he knew my favorite flower and felt he knew me.  We emailed and texted, talked and then went out.  Twice.  I didn’t find any chemistry there, so pulled my ‘first date’ shirt out of retirement and went back on the dating market in search of the man who holds the keys to my heart’s gate.  I was told by old Romeo that I broke his heart, he really felt I hadn’t given him a chance and that we’d be so perfect together.

I don’t know what it is that causes chemistry to be there or not, but one thing I do know, when it is there you cannot deny it.  But without it, love cannot be anything more than settling.  This woman does not settle.  I saw a quote recently, I have no idea who wrote it but it speaks volumes about what it is I’m seeking in life as far as if I ever get involved in a long-term relationship again:  Unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it is a waste of time.  There are too many mediocre things in life.  Love should not be one of them.  Isn’t that totally kick ass true?

I have known mad, passionate, extraordinary love two times in my life.  These relationships are flat-out electrifying, sensational mixes of emotional, physical, and mental forces coming together.  It is pure, raw, chemistry.  It is also intense, strong, wicked wild and not for the faint of heart.  My first time was in my marriage that ended, and the reason it ended is the same reason this kind of love has to be handled like unstable ammunition…not correctly channeled it can be highly explosive.  The other was with Mr. Wonderful.  Again the powder keg had to be handled with care.  Sadly he wasn’t ‘available’ and I refuse to be the home wrecker on that one. If he ever leaves his wife it has to be his doing without influence.  I’ve sensed the pull with a one or two other men but never entertained a relationship to know for certain.  No, I did NOT have this with The Count.  I was allowing myself to settle for less than what I deserve with that one.  While I am indeed Queen of my life, I seek the man who would be King beside me, but will still spoil my inner child like a princess. This extraordinary kind of love is only such because it is reciprocal.

One of the most famous, though yes fictional, of these types of loves was Rhett Butler and Scarlet O’Hara.  The chemistry was there from the first time they ever laid eyes on each other.  Read the book or watch the movie, Gone With The Wind, you can slice the untamed emotion that was between them, it is so intense.

I have always seen Scarlett as the patron saint of strong women.  Yes she was fictional, but she was a combination of several women the author knew or knew of, that had proven they had more brass between their legs than some men.  It took real nads to pull yourself up and rebuild after the Civil War.  It was a changed world and way of life and the strong survived.  There are countless stories of real life women that do this every day.  Life rips apart their world, and knocks them down. They stand up, brush themselves off and start over.  Often their own bad choices are what they have to bounce back from, but they do it over and over again.  The true ‘steel magnolias’ of this world.  The women in my family are those very flowers.  I have no clue if it is a way of life we were raised in, or if it is genetic, but you won’t find any tissue paper roses in this bouquet.

I recently had a conversation with a male friend about why men feel the need to insult and take pot shots at strong women.  He told me only weak men do that.  Men who are intimidated by such women.  They feel inferior to these women, so they lash out, verbally and physically to try to take her down.  They will attempt to control her in whatever way they can to feel they have somehow tamed her.  Good luck with that.  A truly strong, confident woman isn’t about to allow you to have control, especially if you don’t deserve it.  If you are her equal she will respect you, allow you to guide the ship you sale together, but don’t ever think for one minute that you are in control of her.

Romeo was drawn to me from what he knew through my writings and the two dates we had together.  He said he wanted a woman with a strong personality.  Time and time again throughout the conversations on those dates he stressed over and over he wasn’t looking for a physical relationship, that sex wasn’t all that important (to which my male friends informed me that this screams of erectile dysfunction issues), and he tried to win my heart with flowers and singing to me when we were out and about.  He did a fabulous job of drawing attention to himself in public with that, and while he has a decent voice, I wasn’t looking for someone who could put on a good show, I was seeking a real man, with a real heart, and that mad, passionate, extraordinary chemistry.  He was hurt, he said, I broke his heart when I didn’t feel we ‘fit’.

We remained Facebook friends until the other day when he went off about Rush Limbaugh.  I have no problem with someone that has an opinion, I have issues with twisted facts and half truths.  I don’t want to hijack this into a political issue, so we aren’t going there.  I did post the facts about the woman Rush referred to as a slut, giving a different view, in reply to Romeo’s post.  He removed it.  I then posted “wtf?” which he removed then he deleted me from his Facebook.  WOW…as I said to him in my email to him regarding the deletion:

WOW, very mature Romeo, very mature. That is just one major reason we’d never work, you cannot deal with someone that has a different opinion of your own and stating it openly. 

He replied with the following:

No, not at all. Your personallity is way to strong for me anyway, so you’re right, it wouldn’t have worked for me either, and I’m sure that’s not the first time you’ve heard that you are somewhat bossy and need to be in control.  Friendship wise, I don’t know much about you and never will and can’t see maintaining a friendship on facebook. And, I hate hate hate spamming, and your avon stuff and ads is not anything I’m interested in, and there are way too many of them. I also have others I’ve unfriended for too many song posts in a row, or self advertising.  As far as rush limbaugh, he is now and always will be a loud mouth, selfserving blowhard. I can understand you liking him. 
 

Enjoy your life, I’m sure you’ll write back,  you’ll have to have the last word.

I laughed out loud at the thinly veiled insults.  Bossy? I don’t recall being bossy at all to him.  I simply didn’t care to continue to date him.  And yes, I DO need to be in control, of ME.  I am reading between the lines, so assuming he means that because I like Rush Limbaugh, I am also a loud mouth, self serving blowhard?  My friend is correct, weak men will rip apart and insult strong women.  In this case, I take it as a compliment.  It is quite evident that he feels inferior to me and would never begin to be my equal.  Believe me, if you cannot handle my personality, you definitely cannot satisfy me in the bedroom, Romeo.  It takes a REAL man to love me in all regards.

Still looking for that man who IS an equally strong personality.

The one with whom I will have that mad, passionate, extraordinary love again.

The Rhett to my Scarlett, perhaps even the Sir Lancelot to my Guinevere. ;)

Oh, and you are correct.  As you can see, I always have the last word.

The UNdating Diaries ~ Sir Lancelot

Mar5

It has been awhile since I’ve updated the Dating Diary.  Mostly this is due to it being the year of not dating because I needed more time to work on uncovering me and frankly my heart just cannot handle another break. Instead I am just enjoying life and the many friends I know and love dearly.  Many of my best friends in this world are men.  Men are just different from women, they can have a conversation that doesn’t involve emotions.  Us gals, our emotions have a tendency to influence how we think if we aren’t careful, and even then they still do play some role.  It isn’t a bad thing, we are emotional creatures, it is how God chose to wire us so it’s all good.  But I like hanging with and talking to the male side of our species, they have a different view of life at times, and it is mostly emotion free.

Enter Sir Lancelot, who has become a very dear friend. One I do not intimidate in the least with either my temper, strong will, mind, need to have control or carefree spirit.  My being a strong woman with a strong personality doesn’t bother him one bit.  His personality is every bit as strong as my own, and while he likes to have control of his life, he doesn’t wish to control mine.  He will challenge my thinking at times with questions that make me stop and ponder my views, but doesn’t try to change them.  He isn’t afraid to tell me when I’m just being plain ridiculous, but is able to do that without making me feel stupid.  He also sees that inside the woman who is strong enough to carry the weight of her world, is a scared little girl that wants to simply be loved and accepted for who she is, and protected from the big bad wolf in life when she has no fight left in her.  He knows I don’t want anyone to fight my battles for me, just someone that can bandage my wounds and talk me back down off the cliff.  He is also very aware that at times I’ll not just step off that cliff, I will charge at it and take a flying leap off that edge.  He won’t lecture me, or scold me, but will gently and firmly nudge me back on solid ground and help me see why that dive off of the cliff wasn’t in my best interest.  He accepts that I will make mistakes, he just wants me to learn from them.

Sir Lancelot also feels that Guinevere, while a queen in her own right, needs to be spoiled and pampered like a princess sometimes.  This weekend he took me away so that I could leave all my stress and cares behind me for a while, and just pampered and spoiled me.  I loved it.  I did nothing!  I spent the time sitting on my ample derriere and watched movies while being cooked and fed great food, and attended too like the princess I am.  It was heaven.  And we had some great conversation. My battery is fully charged and I think I can handle what life has to throw at me this week.

No, we are not dating.  I’d have to shut the garden gate if that were the case.  In dating relationships it is not safe, I’ve learned, to be me and let someone see inside me.  Sir Lancelot can roam the garden freely because he doesn’t judge the landscaping, isn’t critical of where I place things or what vegetation I opt to nurture or prune away.  Instead of trying to tie me down, he enjoys sitting under a shady tree and watching me dance with the butterflies in the meadows, ride my unicorn about the garden paths, or soar through the tree tops with the birds.

It is so nice to have a friend who knows what I need even when I am not certain, who has no hidden agenda, he just enjoys seeing me smile. It was so very nice to let my guard down, relax, and just be ME for awhile.

#36 ~ 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks

Feb5

Quality

#36

Your quality of life is your own to determine. As the quote below says, no one to lean on, rely on or blame.

I like that the most right now about being single, it is MY life.  All about ME.

I make no apologies to anyone anymore.

I no longer have to make excuses to anyone for who and what I am.

It is my life, and right now it is amazing as I discover who I am beneath all the layers of what others thought I should be.

And I am pretty darn special!

#30 ~ 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks!

Jan30

TIME IS ON MY SIDE

#30

Time is the one thing of value that we cannot make more of, find more of, discover etc.

We’re given one life and a limited amount of time to live it.

Being single means I have more freedom with my time to do things I need or want to do.

Like building my business.

Juggling a relationship (2 since starting Avon) made it hard to devote enough time to keep the relationship and the business growing at the rate necessary.

The business is my money, my livelihood.  Getting it to where it can support me is critical.

I was married 2x, the first just 3 years, the second, 22 years.  I know what kind of time and commitment that takes.

I don’t have time for a friend with benefits let alone a relationship.

Being single….Time…it is all mine and on MY side right now.

~*~

#28 & #29 ~ 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks!

Jan29

DRAMA!

#28

It happens, this thing called Drama.

For some of us simply waking up means there it is, waiting for our eyes to open.

Others…well they have to try harder I suppose.

Drama is going to happen in a relationship.

Be it with friends of his/hers, family, whatever or whoever, drama will occur.

Unless of course you are single.

No drama with his mama….

or sister, or niece, or whoever.

AHHH!

Holidays

#29

Holidays are stressful enough without trying to split them down the middle.

His parents want you at their house, her parents want you around their table.

No one wants to give, especially the couple, when it comes to traditions.

Our family always does….

Thankfully, when it is just you, there is no need to worry about where  you will spend a holiday or if it can be split in such a way as to make everyone (except the two of you) happy.

#27 ~ 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks!

Jan27

Toilet Seat

#27

One nice thing about being single, male or female:

The toilet seat is always just as you left it!

Leave it up, it stays put.

Leave it down, and there it will be next time you use the bathroom.

Personally, I prefer to keep the lid closed, keeps cats from drinking from it and from knocking things IN to the commode.

#25 ~ 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks!

Jan25

Tootsies!

#25

Seriously, when was the last time I painted my toes?

Hmmm…..before the camping trip I think, around Halloween.

See, I was dating The Count back then and so I kept the piggies all pretty.

Now that I am single?

Screw it, who cares?  Still a peek of red polish left on a few toes and I just don’t care!

#24 ~ 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks!

Jan24

My Friends

#24

The person I am NOT dating, married to, involved with, LOVES all my friends!

The beauty of being single is that there is no one to say they don’t like your friends, or a particular friend.

The person you are NOT involved with never complains about any of them, knocks them, etc.!

Advice for the girls: Chicks before dicks!

Flip it if you are a guy, never let anyone come between you and your friends.

#20 ~ 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks!

Jan20

Hygiene

#20

Showering.

It’s a choice you can make  if you are single.

No need to bother with it.

Spend the entire weekend without one if you can stand yourself that long.

Totally awesome shower curtain, click the photo if you want to purchase it or see other cool ones!

#19 ~ 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks!

Jan19

Sleeping

#19

Okay this one isn’t quite mine.

I mean I had it on my list as sleeping anywhere you wish in the house.

Not on the couch because you are fighting and you were banished or decided to be a dolt (listen if you opt for the couch rather than the bed you are indeed a dolt).

But you fall asleep wherever and it is YOUR choice to sleep there.

The part not quite mine is what a local DJ on the radio posted on his Facebook this morning, that goes right along with this reason:

“The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter…naked…again.”

~ Jeff Thomas Q102  http://www.facebook.com/jeffthomasradio

Picture 'borrowed' from Daily Cognition, click photo to see other funny animal sleeping pics

#16 ~ 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks!

Jan16

Colors

#16

Colors.  As in hair color.

For years I wanted to dye my hair just for the hell of it.

The ex-hubby was not in support.

He also didn’t care for it when I dyed just my bangs pink, said I’m too old for that.

Not against it either but you know that “look” you get from the significant others that says this isn’t one of your best ideas, so you don’t do it.

The ex-boyfriend was totally against it, he “fell in love with a blond”.

And by going red it made me a different  person?

Whatever.

Now, I am happy with my new color.

My daughter tells me she loves it and not to go back to blond.

Being single means I can sport any color of the rainbow without caring what anyone else thinks.

#15 ~ 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks!

Jan15

Ink

#15

Ink..as in tattoos.

I happen to like tattoos.

Not ALL over me, but I have a few and want a few more.

They are significant to ME.

I dated a guy for 5 months that didn’t want me to get more, said “I don’t want your body littered with ink”.

Key word there, my former love, YOUR…

..as in MY body.

MY choice.

MY ink.

Being single means NO one tells me not to get another tattoo.

*Note: yes those are my legs from a photo shoot I did in an abandoned theater*

#14 ~ 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks!

Jan14

Career

#14

Working or your career – NO one to complain that you are working too much.

For me, I’m busy building a business at the moment, and it can take a lot of my time.

Since it is 1 of 2 jobs I have, and the one that I plan to make HUGE and the big bucks, I have little time for a relationship.

No one can complain if there is no significant other!

I Am NOT Alone

Dec30

There is a grave  misconception that if you are single, you are alone.  That poor, lonely woman/man, all alone in the world.

Excuse me?  I am far from alone or lonely.

If I wanted to reactivate my dating profiles on all the dating sites, I’d have no end to the dates.  No kidding, I had dated 13 men thanks to those sites, in a very short period of time.  The Count being number 13, evidentially he is NOT my lucky number guy. OR maybe he was, he showed me I was still caught in the cycle of being a pleaser and that had to stop.  No more  bending me to mold to someone elses specifications.  I could start that whole saga again, many of those men would still love to be on my dance card.  I know this due to the sudden influx of communication when I changed my status in life back to single.

I have a multitude of friends, both men and women.  At any time I can find a male friend to go have a beer, a sporting event or something a bit more intimate.  I have girlfriends I can call to go hit a movie, dinner or a cemetery tour (don’t judge, it was by full moon and very cool).  My kids love to do many of these and other things.  My Divas, yes we all love this and more.   I have plenty of people in my life to fill any need I have on a friendship or social level.  If I stay home and do nothing, it is my choice!

Single does not mean lonely or alone.  Single = FREEDOM!  INDEPENDENCE!!

Other than my work responsibilities, I can come and go as I please!  I see who I want, when I want, do what I want when I want to do it!

Lonely? Hardly.

Alone? Really? Nope not at all.

If I want to sleep next to someone, that can be easily arranged too. Yes, I have friends I can call if I want to spend the night in the arms of someone special.  Believe me they need to be special to make that list.

My point is:  being single doesn’t mean I am lonely.  It simply means I am not committed to anyone….but me!

In the new year I plan to write 365 reasons that being single ROCKS.  I know that is a huge undertaking but I think I can do it!  Every day I will find some reason why being INDEPENDENT is awesome!

Shelving 2011 ~ Box 29

Dec29

I follow The Single Woman and that is where I was inspired to come up with this year ending purging from my life. The first post (Life’s Changing Landscape: Shelving 2011) covers the how/why, the rest will be the 31 things I am shelving from 2011 that will not go with me into the new year, the full list of posts pertaining to what I’m purging can be found here: Shelving 2011.

Box 29

This box is related to my post yesterday, about embracing ME in 2012, it is dating.  I’m putting dating in the box and putting it on the shelf for the coming year.  I think my biggest problem was jumping into the dating scene too soon after the marriage had ended.  I need time to finish unwrapping me without reapplying layers to suit others that I am seeing.  Only one of the 3 men I got into a relationship with this past year didn’t try to change me, and that was the Superhero.  He just wanted to know ME and didn’t ask me to change anything about myself.  Sadly it didn’t work because I didn’t want him to change either.  Mr. Wonderful wanted me to layer over things, not mention them, etc from my past.  And the Count…well obviously he wanted me to layer over things too, and that simply will not work.  Again. Ever.

I’ve decided that I need more time to discover  me.  I know that I have some unresolved issues and hurts from the marriage.  I found an awesome divorce support group called DivorceCare.  Bible based and full of support, I am going to look into it.  It runs about 13 weeks and many of the churches in this area have started DivorceCare groups.  My best friend from childhood told me what a wonder it did for her, not to mention she met her soon to be husband in this group, remained friends long after the sessions ended, and now they are in love and going to get married.  I don’t want to join to find anyone, I’m not looking.  I want to join to clear up any last fragments of pain and move forward.  No doubt it will help in my faith too.

SO, while I will enjoy the company of male friends now and then, they have to understand I am not seeking a relationship right now with anyone but ME.  No dating, I pay my own way or I don’t go.  Simple as that.  I will gladly spend time with friends, but I am not seeking a mate.  I’m seeking the person that matters most in my life, ME.

2012 – The Year Of Embracing ME!

Dec28

I am SINGLE.

I love ME.

I do not need a relationship.

I am not looking for a relationship.

In fact, I’m looking to avoid a relationship at this point.

2012 – my year of JOY.  And part of that joy is going to be in being single.

One thing I learned after my divorce in 2010, I had lost me in the 22 years of being married.  We ALL do this in relationships.  HOSSO (he or she significant other) doesn’t like our nails with color on, so we get those nails done in a French manicure all of the time.  Those cute little airbrushed designs on the nails? Nope.  Tattoos, what you have is what you get, HOSSO doesn’t want you to get anymore, or maybe doesn’t care for your choice of designs so you don’t get the desired ink.  Feel there are situations where using the word FUCK is appropriate (outside of the bedroom)? HOSSO doesn’t like that word so you just don’t use it.

These are minor things really but over time we all make changes, burying parts of ourselves to please our HOSSO.  I looked in the mirror at the end of the marriage, after moving out, and realized the person looking back at me was a complete stranger.  Oh she looked familiar, but I didn’t really know her anymore.  I had buried so much of myself that I was a screwed up mix of a person that looked like I had melted in the kiln, I wasn’t recognizable any  longer.  Heck maybe that is why the marriage didn’t work out after 22 years, I kept trying to adapt to my HOSSO’s specifications instead of standing up and being ME from day one.

In peeling back those layers to find the real me underneath, I’ve learned a LOT.  Baggage is not a bad thing.  We all have baggage we drag through life.  You know what? I opened mine up and took a long hard look.  I even went as far as to pull out some of the items and put them back ON.  See, every experience in life is in those suitcases we pull along with us. It is who we are and it is not a bad thing to have baggage.  If we dumped it all, then all that is left is the empty shell of the vessel that is us.  The canvas would be white and blank and BORING!  I don’t want to be dull, I want to be ME.  And ME is in all of that baggage.

I’ve decided that in order to really free myself from any remaining layers piled on me, I need to take a year to just enjoy being Marti.  Marvelous, wacky, destined for old maid/crazy cat lady status, MARTI.  For 2012 I do not want a relationship.  I want to enjoy being just me. Not Marti & ______ (fill in the blank with whatever male counter part name).  I want to embrace being the odd woman out, the 5th wheel.  I have plenty of male friends I can go hang with for a football game, a beer, dinner or whatever.  But I do NOT want to date anyone, I don’t want to be known as anyone’s woman, girlfriend, or significant other.  Being single is my CHOICE.  I can have a relationship, long term if I so chose.  But my choice for now is to just be single, sassy, marvelous ME!

I’m going to start a new category and page on my blog, Sassy & Solo – reasons why being single ROCKS.

The Marvelously Sassy One! yes that will be my new, crazy cat lady name.  :)

Shame On The Other Woman?

Dec21

*Photo credit - click photo to go to it's origin*

*Walks in, puts soap box down, jumps up on it*

I’m reaching the end of my tolerance for people trashing “the other woman” when a man is found cheating.  In fact my dear sisters that want to bad mouth these women, you need to have some sense knocked into you.  Quit slamming our fellow females and put the blame squarely where it belongs, on the cheating man!  It is time for the ones doing the betraying to be held responsible and not the person they were getting it on with.

I will use my own experience as an example.  I started seeing someone that I was very attracted too.  It wasn’t just a physical thing, we connected on many levels.  We went out, and yes we had a physical, intimate relationship as well, right off the bat (come on folks, we’re adults, this is 2011, sex happens and happens right away so get over acting like  you are shocked when it does).  I asked him if he was single, and was told he was divorced and not involved with anyone.  I believed him, what reason would I not? And, as I was single, I didn’t have a commitment to be concerned about.   All I had to go on was his word and I trusted him.  As it turned out…he was in fact very married.  Now, who is to blame here? Not me, I’m not the one that was in a committed relationship and failed to share that rather important piece of information.  I got MY heart broken because I was being lied too just as much as his wife was being deceived.  The responsible party here is the man who was married and cheating on his wife! I didn’t make the commitment, it is not my responsibility to keep that commitment to her…it is HIS!

Look, I get it, I’ve been cheated on in my lifetime a few times.  It hurts and we want to blame someone, so we lash out at the other woman (or if we are guys we go kick some dude’s ass).  Suddenly the other woman, the innocent-and-unattached-didn’t-make-a-commitment one is called a home wrecker, whore or worse.  Never mind that she was never informed that said cheating dirt bag was married or otherwise attached, we want to blame the person that isn’t in the now shattered bond of trust.  We let our sisters take the blame and responsibility for something the man did.  If he tells me he is single and I go sheet dancing with him and later it is found out he is sort of or very much attached, that is HIS DAMN FAULT.  He needs to take ownership of his screw up and we need to put the blame ON HIM!

As women we get all worked up, what does she have that I don’t have? We start picking apart the other female when the person that needs to be picked apart is the cheater, not the woman he cheated with.  We love our men so we don’t want to rip them up too much, so we blame the woman, she must be a whore or a slut.  Um…NO LADIES! She is a victim in this situation too!  She was lied too, and in a sense cheated on by the dishonest man who KNEW he made a commitment and chose NOT to honor it.  Remember, her time is invested in him, so is her heart.  He deceived her and you!  I don’t care how pretty, sexy, or tempting that lady is, I don’t care what you think she did to lure your man away…HE made the decision to jump in the sheets with her. HE was in the committed relationship, HE is the one that made a promise, and HE is the one that broke it.  Not the other woman.  It is NOT her fault.  AND if by chance she did know he was attached, as I know there are women that love going after married guys, it doesn’t matter if she DID do all she could to lure him to her bed.  If he goes, it’s HIS FAULT not hers.  HE broke the commitment, HE cheated, HE made the decision to go for it rather than walk away.

How about we start blaming the one who cheated, and leave the one they cheated on us with out of the picture.  No one held a gun to his head ladies, no one forced him.  He made a conscious decision to leave your bed and go to hers.  Which SHOULD tell you something about where you stand with him.  Don’t be upset that you were lied too, be upset that you were not worth the truth!  And put the blame on the right party.

*gets  down off my soap box*

Things I Can't Say

*DISCLAIMER – I know, women cheat on husbands/boyfriends too, but lately I’ve seen several ‘other women’ trashed when the cheater should be to blame*