Tag Archives: Cinderella

Living And Loving Plan B

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Recently, while browsing the hospital gift shop, my sister found this birthday card that had a piece in it called, “Life Is All About How You Handle Plan B”, by Suzy Toronto.  We both loved it.  Next to the cards we discovered calenders for 2013 with a different piece for each month, like “Never Under Estimate The Power Of A Hissy Fit”.  We both bought one of the calenders, we plan to frame each piece because they are fantastic.  We also plan to read the book, The Sacred Sisterhood Of Wonderful Wacky Women”.

The piece is too good not to share:

Life is All About How you Handle Plan B
Plan A is always my first choice.
You know, the one where
Everything works out to be
Happily ever-after.
But more often than not,
I find myself dealing with
The upside-down, inside-out version –
Where nothing goes as it should.
It’s at this point that the real
Test of my character comes in..
Do I sink, or do I swim?
Do I wallow in self pity and play the victim,
Or simply shift gears
And make the best of the situation?
The choice is all mine…
Life is all about how you handle Plan B.

It got me thinking about my life and how pretty much it is a series of plan B.  And we never planned for Plan B, it comes with it’s own charted and uncharted waters.

Plan A was just get through high school and stay under the radar. Plan B, I ended up pregnant and gave the  baby up for adoption.

Plan A, I got married with Cinderella dreams and it ended in divorce a few years later and Plan B was I found myself a single mom.

Plan A, I got married again, this time with somewhat more realistic dreams to the man I called my Hero, but later found out I spent 22 years married to a man who had never wanted to marry me in the first place (his words not mine) and the  last few years living what I felt were our best years, while listening to him daily lie to me about his love for me.  Plan B became single again in my late 40′s and a sincere lack of trust for much of anything that any man will now tell me as far as how he feels about me.  To say my views of the male side of the species is jaded would be spot on.

I could delve into a lot of other examples but those are the primary ones that come to mind.  It sucks when Plan B pops up, at least initially. However, if life is all about how you handle Plan B…well honestly over all I think I’ve done well.  Oh I didn’t always just accept it with arms open wide, and sometimes fought against it a bit, but eventually I came to realize that Plan B can have a lot more to offer.

When the current Plan B first began, I spent some time wallowing in self pity and honestly I don’t feel I played the victim, I WAS the victim.  And I jumped into far too many relationships really fast looking for a balm for my wounded heart.   But I started to embrace being single and now I see the benefits.  Trouble was then along came the Biker and now I am stuck at a fork in the road with entirely too many paths to choose from.  And I’m not sure that I’m ready to ever again be Mrs. __________ (fill in last name of whichever man is vying for my hand).

I’m currently living the Plan B dream of sorts.  No, not making the kind of money I WILL be making (trust me I will). But I’m working for myself.  I get up when I feel like it, go to bed when I want too.  I have FREEDOM.  I dyed my spiky locks auburn for a while, now they are bleach, skanky blond.  I am saving for some new tattoos (having ink envy big time looking at my daughter’s gorgeous, latest tattoo that wraps around her body).  If I want to walk around in the morning with bed-head, scratching my butt, farting and then pee in the shower, I have no one to worry about offending with the unladylike behavior.   I’m finding it difficult to nurture a relationship along when I am the only person I really feel the desire to nurture.  I’ve been told I’m selfish and self centered for  my “life is all about ME” attitude right now, and for not being able to give my whole heart to another, because I am still mourning the loss of the man who truly was my Hero.  Well then I suppose I can carry that label too.  Because right now, that is Plan B – ME!

I’m re-examining my faith and getting back into my Bible study and finding a church home.  Not one I can go to with someone else as a couple.  Some where to go ALONE.  I don’t want to be “Marti & _____” when I go there.

I am building my business and have taken on another that has even greater earning potential to have me sitting very comfy in a short time financially.  Those take up a lot of time right now and I LOVE what I am doing.

I want to be free to enjoy the friendship I have with several male buddies.  Not booty buddies, they are FRIENDS.  One is a former lover (Mr. Wonderful) but our friendship stayed very much intact and his wisdom offers a sweet balance to my ADD and OCD ways at times.  I want that freedom to go enjoy a drink and help him mend his relationships, share about my faith walk etc. with him.  But that causes waves in my relationship with the Biker.

Marriage is off the table with the Biker and every other man, and not sure it will ever be served as an option again.  Marriage  honestly isn’t a side dish I want with my meal of life with any man at this point.  I’m not at a place where I want to deal with “why haven’t I heard from you yet today” when I wake up and don’t text a good morning until it is now “good afternoon”.  I don’t want to cause waves in the relationship ocean because I went and saw a movie, or checked out a band, or had a drink with an old male friend who I may or may not have slept with at some dot on my timeline of life.  I’m just not happy being tied down, my spirit wants to soar the skies right now.

I’m not seeking other options or wanting to keep my options open.  The only option I want is to explore Plan B MY way, in MY time, on MY terms.  I get that it is not what the man in my life wants right now, but we are not at the same place with wanting a relationship.  And if that is selfish, so be it. Then I guess I am self centered.  When one is independently owned and operated, it IS all about ME!

Shelving 2011 ~ Box 28

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I follow The Single Woman and that is where I was inspired to come up with this year ending purging from my life. The first post (Life’s Changing Landscape: Shelving 2011) covers the how/why, the rest will be the 31 things I am shelving from 2011 that will not go with me into the new year, the full list of posts pertaining to what I’m purging can be found here: Shelving 2011.

Box 28

My vanity is where it all happens in the morning.

My vanity

I sip coffee while putting on my face for the day, then drying my hair and applying whatever goop is going to be in it today.  It is my magical place because I am transformed from a sleepy, kinda pale looking zombie, into the marvelous and beautiful creature you see in person (if you know me).  Kinda of like Monsters Inc. to Cinderella or Snow White.  It is an amazing process.

Trouble is that the drawer of the vanity is a complete mess.  My buddy over at Martinis Needed would go into a full blown OCD melt down if she had to find anything in that drawer.  Needless to say this can slow a Diva down when she is trying to make awesome in a brief period of time before the baby arrives for the day to spit up all over said princess type.  I lead a very tough life.

So, Box 28 will be all of the crap in that drawer (i.e. old makeup, unused stuff etc) finding it’s way into the trash can.  I think I heard applause from down in the family room…

I will give you a peek into the drawer in question.

The drawer of the vanity

See…it really needs some…help.

Cleaning out that drawer will make my life so much easier.

The Dating Diaries ~ Life In The Moment…

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As my readers have likely picked up on, I LOVE P!nk, love The Greatest Hits So Far album, and thank my baby sister for buying it for me.  I ripped it to my PC and the CD is in my car, I love everyone of the 16 songs except number 10, but I’m too conservative for that one.

One of my favorite songs  on the album is “Glitter In The Air”, a great love song.  I know the feeling of being touched so gently I wanted to cry.  Looking fear in the face (fear of getting my heart broken yet again) and saying “I don’t care” and letting myself FEEL again.  Of  not wanting a night to end, wondering if it could ever get better than that moment.  And all because of one man.  A man I met online through a dating site.  A man that emailed me and I didn’t respond for a few days, and damn near didn’t at all.  A man who was about to give up on finding the one, but gave it another shot.  That man, of course, is the Count.  AKA: Steve.  But you know me, I love nick names.  My very own Mikhail Dubrinsky.

Trusting has been the hardest thing for me to do.  I trusted for 22 years, and that got me no where but alone and emotionally destroyed.  I tried again, 2 more times, and those were just more breaks  in my heart. I was done at that point.  Dating was a way to just get out and meet men, I really didn’t plan on finding the one, this Cinderella had long given up on finding the fairy tale prince.  Yes I was looking, but I did not feel like that was even a remote possibility.  I kept meeting guys that were totally smitten with me, but it wasn’t mutual.  Many read my blog pages, had the full story, knew that I was the ‘nut case’ the ex feels I am, (they all find me quirky cute in every aspect with one guy that was  the exception, and thought the ex had a hole in his marble bag) and wanted me anyway.  I knew 23 years  ago  without a word being said, not even knowing my ex husband’s name so I knew that chemistry would be there or  not be there. Sure, things develop over time, but there is this initial draw, like two magnets, and it hadn’t happened.

Then came the email from The Count, expressing interest.  I read  his profile, looked at his photos, and decided to think on it.  My plan was to delete all my online accounts and toss in the towel.  I had dated 12 men  already and not yet found that undeniable pull.  I waited a few days to reply, but many times I went back to his profile.  Something in his eyes drew me in, again and again.  I  didn’t feel I matched  his criteria so wasn’t sure what his interest in me was, but I finally replied.  Then we talked on the phone.  I was still terribly hesitant to meet.  But deep down something was  stirring and that something would not let me out of this.  I  agreed to meet him for dinner.

Little did I know that when I walked into the meeting place, my life was about to shift dramatically.  The man looking back at me as I walked in the door had the most amazing eyes.  I swear they could pierce a hole in steel, and when he looked in my eyes he looked straight inside my heart and soul.  There was instant chemistry and draw.  It was very scary to me.  I’ve kind of sat on that fear a good deal since.  Not fear of HIM, but fear of the intense feelings I have  for him, from the beginning!  My heart was way ahead of my brain and that was scary.  I was just waiting, after each date, to hear that he just wasn’t feeling it.

Instead, he is feeling it too.  We text like a couple of teenagers!  I got flowers last week for no reason other than he was thinking about me and wanted me to know this.  He doesn’t hold back at all telling me how he feels about me.  When we are together, for no reason out of no where he will  just stop, kiss me and tell me he loves me.  We  talk in terms of here and now, but also the future.  a future that is me and him, side by side, building a life together.  But we are going SO slow, taking our time, letting this bloom, grow and unfold it’s petals without rushing it.  There is no hurry, the feelings are there and grow each day.

Will I get my heart broken again?  I  don’t believe so, but only time will tell.  We’ve both suffered severe heart breaks at the hands of those we dearly loved, the ones we’d have gone to the ends of the earth for and back again.  We  are advancing with baby steps even though our emotions are miles ahead of us,  and just enjoying this one day at a time.

The  Count is part of my supporting cast now, photo and all.  Love is awesome.

Need A Transitional Relationship? I’m Your Girl!

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Fate is one mean bitch, speaking from extensive experience here.  She seems to delight in bringing me good things then once I am attached to them on an emotional level she takes them back.  Is it any  wonder my heart is usually locked up and kept away from even the people I love?

From the first serious relationship I had in high school I’ve learned that I have a purpose in the lives of men…to transition them.  For some the transformation took longer than others, from a matter of weeks to 22 years, but eventually the result is the same.  I board their ships for a time, but sooner or later they deposit me back on the island of broken hearts to wait for the next needy soul to come along and take part of my heart.  Over the years I learned to hide more and more of myself behind walls and masks in an effort to protect who and what I am.

My first marriage was a disaster from the start.  I should have known that someone that spent more time drunk than sober could be an issue.  But at 19 I was young and naive and thought it would be blissful.  I was a wide open book, full of Cinderella dreams and love for a man who spent most of that time completely unaware of reality.  People who drink to the point of blacking out tend to have to fill in the blanks of what happened  because they cannot recall what occurred in their drunken stupor.  I even believed for a time he was sincerely sorry when he’d see the bruises all over me the next day from his violent rages and not recall what he did.  I knew the pattern…drink, get happy, drink more, get all sappy and lovey dovey, then drink more and the depression started setting in, a few more beers and he was out of control and violent.  I learned to make myself scarce when the affectionate side started, usually had him tuck me in bed and then pray he drank himself to sleep.  If not, he would come find me and start the hell all over again.  That was when I learned to fight back.  Corner me, threaten me, and hurt me and I will go all crazy bitch on you.  The final straw came while  I was pregnant with my son, when he hit me for the very last time.  I did what I should have done the first time several years earlier, I called the cops.  Back then they tried to sooth things over and calm it down, they made him take a walk.  That next night he went out and when I got up the next morning, when he was supposed to be at work, I found him face down in a puddle  of blood on the dining room floor.  He had come home so drunk he fell face first into the dining room table and knocked himself cold.  He got up, called in sick for work and went to bed.  I packed my shit and called my parents and moved out.  Of course he was so sorry later, even joined AA, and I moved back into the house.  For a few months he stopped drinking and sunk into one of the worst depressions I’ve encountered in anyone.  After the baby was born he became a very dark, mean person, but at least he didn’t hit me anymore.  Then one day I came home  from work and he had packed and left.  He made a choice, drinking was more important to him than me and our son.  He got the house, I moved into apartment and moved on.

I went through a number of relationships after that, but none lasted long.  I refused to be pushed around again, but I also didn’t want a weak man that I could walk on.  I’m a strong personality and a stubborn streak matched by few I know.  It is a survival mechanism I suppose.   When you grow up the misfit as a kid, you learn to build your outer shell pretty thick, even if you are dying inside.

The second marriage…I’ve hashed that one out more times in my posts than I care to go into.  We were two people that when together could attract more bad luck in life than anyone deserves and after so many years of being knocked down at every turn, we both were behind some pretty thick walls.  I will always love him, it’s what I do, love completely.  I was far from perfect, but I tried my best while keeping my vulnerable sides safely locked away.  Maybe that was the issue?  He rarely got a glimpse of that because if he reacted negatively to a piece of me I closed it off and never let out again. I didn’t even know me by the time we divorced.  He was his own damaged, train wreck when I met him and while I loved him completely and was my hero, it was surprising it got to the 22 year mark.

Despite what both husbands told me, that I’m a “total package kind of woman” (whatever the hell that means), and a multitude of boyfriends (a few even recently) told me I was amazing, wonderful, smokin hot, they love me….no one wants to keep me.  Each one seems to gravitate my way when their lives are in turmoil or fresh from battle. They take me aboard their ships, we dance on the waves for awhile, and then they return me to the shore of that island again and sail away.  Most only were given a tiny piece of me, I’ve learned to be very cautious now.  But no matter how small the piece they get to take with them, it still leaves me hurting.

Recently I was careless, and I let my guard down, and exposed too much of me yet again and once again got my heart broken really good.  And it wasn’t anyone’s fault this time, this guy was great, someone really special.  Just bad timing, a battle torn ship,  a crazy fun ride on the waves, and me letting myself be vulnerable and revealing a peek at the softer side of me that I’ve kept locked up since the first marriage failed.  Damn fate and the magic she knows how to weave, just when I felt safe and secure, and let myself really feel something, she yanked it away yet again.  I never learn. :(

I’m back behind the walls, adding a few more layers of protection around my heart and soul.  The drawbridge is going up on my castle on the Island Of Broken Hearts, and there are extra piranhas in the mote.  There just isn’t enough left of my heart anymore and it isn’t regenerating like it used too.  I don’t  think I can handle it again, this opening up to have fate feed my heart through the shredder again.  I’m keeping what is left for myself now.

Looking for a transitional relationship, one to get you through a rough spot in life? *waving hand in the air* I’m your girl.  Booty call, drinking buddy, take in a baseball or football game….but NO emotions, no caring, no giving a shit  what your day was like at the office.  I will listen, say all the right things and even offer advice, but don’t ask for or expect any real care, because it simply isn’t there to give anymore.  Don’t tell me what a great fit we are, how lucky you are to have me, cause you don’t have me. No one does.   I’m not keeper material and if you so much as say “I love you” I’ll be gone from your life so fast it will make your head spin.

I recently said I was one bad relationship from owning 10 cats.  More accurately, I was one broken heart away, and I’m starting to look at kittens more seriously so yeah, this is  one princess that is staying locked in the tower.  The  guards are ordered to shoot the next Prince Charming on site.

What’s Growing Under My Feet???

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Mama's Losin' It

“The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise man grows it under his feet.” — James Oppenheim

LESSON LEARNED

 

I am no stranger to adversity, pain and a broken heart, my life path has encountered these on more than a few occasions and sometimes, through my own fault.  But one thing these bumps in the broken road have taught me is that happiness is right where I am.

I married the starter hubby at 19, full of Cinderella dreams that came crashing down soon after the engagement.  Hey, when the groom shows up to the wedding drunk, it MIGHT be a sign that you should yank up those skirts and run like hell for the hills.  My daddy even leaned over and whispered something to the effect that it wasn’t too late to kick off those heels and bolt if I was so inclined.  I missed that less than subtle hint, and I guess everyone thought I was aware that my very soon to be husband was plastered.  I wasn’t even remotely aware that the ridiculous grin on his face had zero to do with making me his wife, and everything to do with  over consumption of alcohol until communion, when he downed the entire chalice of wine himself.  We had already said our vows, were legally wed….EPIC FAIL!

Then I met and became legally bound again a few years later and once again had blissful dreams of happily ever after.  While married I was happy, and loved him very much. But it was all a dream while I slept for those years.

When Sleeping Beauty awoke from that beautiful dream, a shattered heart was the reality.  But it didn’t take me long to pull from memory and stop dreaming of somewhere over the rainbow in the distance and start finding happiness right there in my own back yard (thank you Dorothy).  There, in my present reality, I found happiness.   In those people that chose to wrap around me in love and support, I found comfort.  In the little things like the sun shining, a great song on the radio, a scoop of my favorite ice cream, or a special text from my niece* when I went home before we all moved into one house, I found happiness growing under my feet.  As it grew like a vine it wrapped around me, and on bare branches roses of hope and joy bloomed.

I am a fairly easy person to please, pretty low maintenance.  I don’t need a lot to make me happy.  A favorite candy bar, a warm hug and a really deep kiss, my hand wrapped in someone else’s, the giggles of the kids in the neighborhood as they play outside, the purr of my cat in my ear when she wants me to wake up and scratch her head, my daughter’s dog running at me all excited to see mommy (gotta love visitation with the pooch!), curled up with a cup of coffee and the Divas on a winter morning in front of the fire place, or on a starry night on our deck, a sweet text “good night” or “good morning”, hugs from the twin 6yo nieces, these are the things that are now, under foot, growing the REAL happiness in life, in the current moment.

 

*one night when I left the Divas, while preparing to move out of the Black Hole’s galaxy, my niece texted me, “don’t lose your green card, we want you back!”.  It made me tear up to know someone wanted me.