Plan B Is Taking Shape

I want to go on record here and say this:  The Biker is a great guy.  Really he is.  A heart of gold that is giving to a fault.  He loved me completely, didn’t try to change who I am, wanted me to soar free and true to myself.  He even encouraged my eccentric side, appreciating my pink hair and desire for more ink.  He loved my passion even when it was in the form of a royal hissy fit, he simply loved me down off the edge.  He did his best to take care of me and my various needs.  But it wasn’t ‘right’ for me.  Don’t get me wrong, I love him, but not that sweep me off my feet, full hearted, kind of love that can stand the fires of trials that will inevitably come along in life.  The love that grows old together in rocking chairs on the porch.  The very last thing I wanted was to break his heart, and not only once but twice now.   I broke it off before but went back.  See, I really do love him and care about him, and tried to make the 2 pieces of the puzzle that are The Biker and The Marvelous One, fit perfectly.  But they don’t.  It is a good thing that we did not get married in July as was the plan at one point.  Had we done  that I’d have made the best of things, holding to my vows and living life trying my best to be what he needed and wanted in a wife.  But I’d never have been  able to love with my whole heart, and that simply is not fair to him.  He deserves a woman that feels about him, the way he feels about me.

This is not the first time someone fell for me pretty much from first sight and then hard as time went by.  Like others he has wanted and loved me from a distance until I was available.  No, not being arrogant, I just am one of those women that men seem to get all wrapped up in, they all  tell me how they just knew I was the one from the first time they see a photo, meet me etc.  They tell me I am amazing, sexy, fun, passionate, full of life, the total package.  Then they all hit the ground running over time, I am a force of nature, very strong in personality and I do not bend easily.  Some call it stubborn, I prefer to call it strong willed.  The ex called it emotional, the Biker called it passionate.  Whatever it is, I’m not an easy woman to love.  The Biker loved me anyway and would have been happy to keep me, but I had to be honest that it just wasn’t there on my side.

So, here I am single and flying free but solo.  And I’m really very okay with that.  Plan B is in place again and unfolding slow and steady, and I feel very good about it.

Part of Plan B is getting my mojo back on my Avon business and staying focused.  The relationship derailed me for a while.  Direct sales can be a lot of work at first and as this is my full time job, I need to actually treat this as a job and work it.  I love what I do and embrace it.  I also am now a representative for SwissJust.  It will be work too.  So working 20-25 hours a week on each means full time in direct sales and  that means I have to focus.

Another part of Plan B is getting back to what  I love…writing!  I have 3 blogs that have been neglected for a while.  Time to blow  the dust off of my laptop and get back to my love of writing.  It takes several hours a week to keep up with them, not to mention my desire to write novels and it is time to get the ideas out of my head and into writing.

My faith has been part of Plan A, but on the back shelf.  Not anymore, it is back on the priority shelf with Plan B.  I’m returning to my bible studies and getting back into women’s bible study on Friday mornings.  Leaning toward returning to my former church again, it isn’t perfect for me but the doctrine is very sound and that matters more than anything else.

Tomorrow evening I start my kick boxing class.  2 nights a week for 1 hour each I will be in class kicking my way to better fitness.  And I will get back to walking again too a few mornings a week.  I NEED to get my weight back down and get in shape.  I’m not getting any younger, in fact I am going to be 50 in the spring, time to do something NOW.

All this activity aside, priority one is my family!  I have a granddaughter now, 7yo and full of energy and giggles.  I have a grandson on the way due around the holidays.  When I’m not doing all this other stuff I am crocheting things for the baby and my granddaughter.

I’m BUSY!!!!!

I’m happy pursuing Plan B right now.  I’m not sure where to fit a relationship into all this that is currently on my schedule.  Dinner and a few beers, sure I can do that.  But I don’t have the time to give to someone, to nurture love and the relationship.  If I felt I was missing out on something right now, that I NEEDED a man in my life, and the right one came along, then I’d adjust accordingly.  But that is the issue, I’m not feeling like I need one.

So, make no mistake, my beloved Biker will always be a very dear friend, and will make some woman a very cherished and adored princess, but it won’t be me.  Being cherished and adored was wonderful, but I cannot give back what is not in my heart to give.  If there is a Mr. Right for me, he’ll find me. Until then, I’m living my Plan B and loving life!

Create A Crime Scene: Multi-Task Monday

Over the weekend my Biker and I escaped for some ‘us’ time.  We were multi-tasking, getting some R&R and planning our wedding.  We found the perfect place, picked a weekend and booked the event.  Now all my prayer warriors out  there,  PRAY it is a weekend of gorgeous weather on that September weekend because the wedding is outside and a ride is planned  for the next day since there will be a bunch of bikers present.  The location is beautiful, I am SO excited.

While there that evening, we were enjoying a few beers before retiring for some much needed sleep.  Sitting outside on the deck of the restaurant, enjoying live music, my honey went up and requested a song.  Then, in front of everyone there, pulled me out of my chair to dance.  No dance floor, no one else dancing, just us beside our table, because he felt like dancing with me.  I love this man!!!  The next day made me love him more when he got a taste of that temper that supposedly is why the ex divorced me.  He didn’t get mad, offended, or tell me how terrible I am.  My Biker laughed!  He loved me off that edge but still will laugh if it comes up.  He called me his fire cracker, and just doesn’t see what the big deal is, even when I got pissed off and flipped him off, he still laughed and said I’m down right adorable.  It took very little loving from him to totally defuse my anger and make things all better.  He was so sweet about it that it made  me cry, because he totally understood why I was ticked off but instead of going off on me opted to kiss and hold me.

So today,  I’m multi-tasking my Monday away.  Planning wedding details,  working on my Avon business, doing office manager work for my Biker’s company, baby-sitting, and still managed to create a make-believe crime scene in the bathtub.  In other words, I dyed my hair today.  My roots were starting to get out of hand and it was fading some from so much time in the sun on the back of my baby’s Harley the past 3 weekends.  Trouble is when you dye your hair a deep, reddish brown,  it looks like blood in the shower when you rinse out the color after the specified time for the dye to work it’s magic.  Kinda expect to hear the music from “Psycho” playing in the background.  I may have to purchase this shower curtain, it is cool and would be just quirky enough to fit into our home.

Dancing In The Rain….

Okay I haven’t done that…yet.  But my Biker knows it is on my lengthy list of things I want to do.  I hate to call it a bucket list, it’s more of a dream list of things to do with my best friend, my lover, my other half, the one that carries my heart in his  hands.  

I know for many it seems we are moving rather quickly toward marriage.  Keep in mind, I’m no stranger to falling in love.  I’ve been married twice and have a number of very serious relationships under my belt.  I’ve been in love, and I’ve been head over heals in love, and I even know what it is like to love heart, soul, body and mind with every cell in me.  That one divorced me.  Go figure.  But once again, I find myself with feelings like that.  Feelings that put someone at the center of my world.  I know, I said it would never happen again.  Never say never.  So what, so twice in my life I will experience a love that transcends all other loves I’ve known.  Only this time it is with a man that doesn’t want to change a single thing about me.

I’m very socially connected.  Wide open book, I check in everywhere on various social media outlets.  I pour my heart and soul out on my blog at times.  He knows this, has set no limits on my doing this.

I love to wear pink streaks in my hair.  He loves it.

Sometimes I may decide to dye my hair a different color.  He encourages it.

I want more tattoos. He is designing them.

I have a temper at times, though much less of one thanks to my meds.  When I lose it, he gets affectionate and kisses, hugs and loves me off the edge of the cliff, all the while thinking I am an adorable little spit fire when I’m pissed off.

I’m loud and obnoxious, he doesn’t mind one bit.

If I flip him off with my middle finger, he doesn’t get pissed or take it as an insult, he grabs me up in a bear hug and says “okay baby, let’s go” and heads for the bedroom.

I’m kind of a freak, he is too and adores my freaky side and my very vanilla side.

He loves ME, wants me to be ME and be free from any cages or boxes.

He thinks  I’m beautiful at my most unattractive moments.

On our recent trip to Alabama last weekend, two  things DID get crossed off that list of dreams/fantasies.  His Navy brother was getting married so we went down for the wedding.  During the outdoor reception, once it was dark, a romantic tune was playing.  He pulled me out of my chair and onto the front lawn, and we slow danced under the stars.  SO much love in those eyes while we danced and he kept touching my face telling me I was beautiful,  it was so sweet and wonderful.  And without giving away details….we made  love in the sunshine on the return trip, still thankful for those remote  locations off the beaten paths that allow for  spontaneous moments to become awesome memories.

Yes, it is life in the fast lane at the moment.  I’m okay with that.  And it has not come without a price.  My son, my oldest child, has cut me from his life.  He drew a line in the sand that he will have nothing to do with me if I’m with a 1%er.  He feels I do not know what I’m doing.  I’ve researched more than he knows, come to find out that even a fellow law enforcement friend of his has a lot of misinformation about this brotherhood my man is a part of, out and out wrong information.  But they will believe what they want to believe, I’m seeing it from another side and see a totally different picture.

I’m not  choosing my Biker over my son.  I’m choosing MY happiness.  I’m about to be 49yo.  I’m no stranger to life and problems, love and  heart break.  I’m no fool, I do my homework.  I judge by the character of the man, not the patch on the vest.  I am not getting any younger.   Life is  there, and I won’t stand outside the fire because it is safe.   Someone has come along that makes me HAPPY.   He loves me for ME,  not who he  can change me to be.  He is honest, real,  has a heart of  gold and while he is a bad boy, he is a very very good man.  He loves his Lord, loves his brotherhood, takes care of  those in the world that need help, and he loves me.  I’m choosing to be the center of someone’s world.

I want to dance, with my Biker, in the rain, as his wife.

Have I Mentioned I HATE Camping?

You may recall that last October I went camping…for the first time in a few decades.  I grew up traveling this country by way of camp grounds.  I loved it, love the memories, but truly HATE to camp.  The Count convinced me to camp this past October, and it actually wasn’t bad!  However, I had no desire really to do it again, it would simply have been a family tradition of his so I would have gone along.  Thankfully he ditched me.

*Squirrel moment* (that means an ADD driven side thought) – BEST thing the ex-husband, Mr. Wonderful, and the Count did for me was toss me aside.  I’d have not known what it was like to be with The Biker otherwise.  I have landed such an awesome man now. One who has shown me what weak individuals the Count and all others before him.  He encourages me to be ME and loves my very strong personality.

This past weekend I once again found myself on the back of the bike, only this time in the cold and RAIN.  Yes, the Marvelous princess rode in the rain this time, well over 100 miles.  These guys are 1%ers, hardcore bikers, they ride in the rain.  And then…we camped. On the property of another chapter’s club house we pitched tents and campers, and I found out what hypothermia feels like.  It was flipping C-O-L-D despite the blankets etc. and I was sleeping alone until about 5am.  My legs were cramped from cold, especially when I suddenly had to pee.  I nearly gave up trying to pull my boots on to go outside.  When I came back it was no better.

The best part? I HAD A FREAKING BLAST!  Rain and cold, so what? I spent a good deal of time that night hanging in the club house with the other women, and I might have had a few shots.  Actually, okay, I DID, it was anti-freeze you could say, against the coming cold sleeping in a tent.  I got a tad out of control at one point, but my honey didn’t handle it the way old Lord Voldemort would have.  He pulled me aside, and quietly, lovingly, told me that I needed to dial it down a bit, it wasn’t acceptable in the current location.  I was mortified to think I had done anything that would reflect badly on him, darn near cried in fact.  But he was all gentleness and love, reassuring me I was fine, and that any other location I could be crazy like I had been.  Just not here and not now.  The near tears were about more than feeling I disappointed him (which he says not at all) it was also the gentleness of his voice and touch when talking to me.  I am not at all used to that.  He is not a small man, but a very gentle giant, and that much tenderness shown to me took me apart inside.  If you piss him off then heaven help you, but he isn’t easily angered by me at all. In fact he tends to laugh and find my fits entertaining.  Unlike the ex-hubby, I can flip off my Biker and he smiles.  He doesn’t find it insulting or disrespectful because he knows I’m being funny, he thinks I’m cute as hell when I do it, often replying to it with “who loves ya baby?”.

If it calls me ‘Beautiful’ once, he says it a few dozen times a day!

I am soaking it all up like a sponge as one very starved for true love and REAL affection.

Hopefully, we keep this camping  thing to a minimum.

I hate camping.

The Dating Diaries ~ Of Judging Others

Things have progressed fast and furious with The Biker.  It’s what happens when you put together a hurricane of a man with a tornado of a  woman.  But it’s like when you stick two negative numbers together you get a positive, a concept I simply do not grasp.  The two titanic size personalities we possess make for quite the equal match.

He is very intelligent, articulate and creative.  This Navy vet has raised his hand and served his country 4 times.  He is patriotic to a fault.  And his heart carries a thousand scars to match the  ones he has from serving his beloved country.  As I mentioned before, he is the most generous person, giving anything he has for another in need.  He takes in stray people and gets them back on the rails again.  He will fight against wrong, and beside those  in the right.  Meet him outside of the biker image, when he is working, you’d never guess the other part of his life. Or when he is sharing the gospel with a street person or someone else.

He is a biker.  A member of what some would call an outlaw motorcycle gang.  It’s a club, not a gang.  And  he is his own man.   He has no criminal record, lives within the laws even the ones he  thinks are absurd.  Decked out in his leather, yes he appears intimidating.  He runs with a rough and rowdy crowd.  But he is still himself within their ranks.  In talking to my daddy it was discovered that in 30+ years of law enforcement he never had a run in with this group the Biker calls ‘family’.

A few have judged him based on other’s actions.  Not everyone that wears the colors is a good person.  But then,  not every cop, firefighter, lawyer, housewife, teacher etc are good people  either.  Teachers  with sex charges against minors doesn’t mean all teachers are bad.  Just because a good number of priests have molested young boys doesn’t make all in that calling a pedophile.  Everyone who lives on “the other side of the tracks” isn’t a generational welfare drain.  Just because someone is of any race, color, profession, ethnic origins…whatever it is they are, doesn’t make them bad because a  handful  of others  are that happen to carry the same label.   I  HATE STEREOTYPING!!!  I believe in judging another for their own character and heart.

MANY cops and fire fighters I know will  have a few  too many and drive, but those that judge my Biker still run with them.  Last time I checked, DUI is still illegal, a crime, so your badge brothers are criminals that just haven’t been  caught.  Just because a few go bad doesn’t taint the whole profession.

I’ve been told how trashy women are who have tattoos by someone sitting across from me who would tell you I am all class.  All the while  they had no clue this classy chick has some ink, some pretty decent sized pieces.  I have more class in my little finger than the one judging me that is ink-less.  Kiss my ass for judging ME.  Yes you did judge me, though you know nothing of those tattoos, you’re judgement would be there had you known of my expressive art work rather than  taking time to know me.  I was judged for my nose ring by the Count’s mama.  Not harshly but it was mentioned to him.  Again, kiss my ass.

I’m angry yes.  I was judged for  my lifestyle when I was a swinger.  That judgement came based on swingers who did do drugs, and other less than savory behavior, a good deal of it illegal.  But I was not like that, and I did not appreciate those that would judge me for it.  It frankly pissed me off.  I don’t like my Biker judged.  I’ve taken time to learn who he is, and that man has a heart of  gold.  Yes, I checked him out, he has no secrets, no record, nothing to hide.

I am aware of my children being far less than thrilled in my choice.  I’m sorry that they pass judgement on someone that  they do not even  know, based on the patches on his vest.  It is their loss.  He will protect them as they are my family, because that is his heart.  They matter to me so they matter to him.  His ‘family’ matter to me as well.  I judge each individually on their own merit,  not the actions of those that have chosen  to go wrong.

The Marvi one is about  to turn 49 years  old.  She is done raising her children,  they are adults now.  I am divorced and therefore free to be ME for the first time in my life.  For 2 years now I’ve dug out ME from under  everyone else’s idea of who and what I should be.  I have a big heart, I took in strays, I am a sinner saved by God’s grace.  I’m soft on the inside but I’m tough on the outside.  And I am at a stage  in my life to make choices for MY happiness.  And the  Biker makes me very very happy.  He doesn’t want to put me in a cage or a box,  he wants to be  wind beneath my wings, support my business and encourage me to just be me.  He wants to fly side by side with me.

I am sorry that some will not get  to know him and judge this man as an individual.  It is their loss.  I am not passing up happiness because someone else doesn’t “approve”.  I’m done playing that game.  I’ve spent nearly my entire life living per someone else’s standards.  Now it is MY turn, I get to live by my own.  Mine are a man with a big ass heart,  who reads God’s Word, tries his best to live that Word, who loves me,  protects me,  would provide for my every need if I let  him, who let’s me be me from my nose ring, to more ink, to pink streaks in my crazy auburn hair. Who supports MY dreams and desires, who wants to be a team, wants a partner, a companion. A man who works hard (he is a fair,  honest, but ruthless business man) for what he has, and wants to share it all with me.

He has indeed used the ‘M’ and ‘W’ words (marriage,  wife) *shudder* but knows that is down yonder road, I’m not ready.  He tells me every day how much he adores me.  Yes he uses that word along with ‘love’.  He wants to take time to be sure I am real, that this strong, bull headed, stubborn, short fused, giggly, wacky, marvelous, intelligent, sleeps with a teddy bear woman who snores like a freight  train is not just putting on a good act.  He has read damn near every blog post I’ve written, now he wants to be sure that the writer is everything she seems.  Multi-faceted, moody, free flying, free spirited, deeply emotional, jealous and possessive, open and caring, all he  has found within my pouring out my heart in my writings.  One of my Divas has  told him, yes that is the woman sitting next  to you, it is really her heart and mind in those writings.  They are cautiously optimistic, they don’t want to see me hurt again.  He says I am him, with a vagina, the female version of himself.

He knows what he was looking for, and feels he found it in me. He asks me all the time where I’ve been hiding.  I wonder the same thing about him.  My bad boy/good man with a heart the size of Texas.

Go on, judge him.  Hopefully in time you will see he makes me happy, loves me, and that very good men wear those patches.  Until then, it is your loss.

The Dating Diaries ~ Taking Down Walls From Inside Out

I just got home from an amazingly superb weekend.

Remember The Biker?  He scaled the wall of my garden, not bothering to  knock at the gate.  He met me years ago, and has spent the past 4 or so years just observing me and watching me from a distance.  Twice I’ve been very close to going to work for his company.  He decided the time is right and came over the wall, and has started taking a sledge hammer  to that wall from the inside out.

Yes, he IS a biker, the real deal.  He is a bad boy, rebel type.  He is a very good man.

If you met him some days you’d see a business owner, professional and polite to his customers.  Demanding but fair  with his employees.  Very much a type ‘A’ personality, driven and determined.  An  extremely generous and kind soul that would give someone his last dollar and the shirt off of his back if they were in need.  You would see a man that bought stuff from a ‘homeless’ down trodden man today because the poor soul needed money.  And then this man that carries his Bible everywhere he goes, took time to share Christ with the guy who was down on the luck.  I listened to him speak of his Lord and Savior and it was quite apparent that he is a man with a heart that follows Christ.  He talked of his work with troubled youth, trying to help get them on the right path in life.  Seeing this side of him you’d be quite taken.  I watched his friend’s children jump into his arms and hug this gorilla  like teddy bear of a guy.

See him in his  leathers and he  might scare you.  He looks ‘shady’ to many, and because he is a biker they assume the worst.  And yet walking  through a store I watched children who are complete strangers to him ‘knock the rock’ /fist bump him, smile at him and adore this gentle giant.  While waiting to meet up with friends one evening outside of a bar, as a really questionable looking guy was walking my way,  The Biker stepped between me and the on comer in a very casual, non-threatening way to put his protective self between this individual and me.  When someone became drunk and disorderly at the bar later, I watched him get up, talk with the bar tender, then gently, yet firmly,  help this obnoxious guy on his way out of the door.

I was treated like  royalty.  I’ve never known such a gentle touch.  I listened to someone share and pour  out his heart, I looked into the eyes of a gentle giant who, like me, is a free spirit, does his own thing, within the limits of the law, and who thinks I am, and I quote, “beautiful, adorable, a princess, a flower, a great woman and person”.  My needs and wants came first.  He wants to not watch me soar, but wants to fly next to me.  He adores my spunk, my ‘attitude’, my curvy self, everything.

If  this is a dream….I don’t want to wake up!

I’m Grounded :(

My darling baby girl informed me last night that I’m grounded.

She sent me a text while I happened to be out with The Biker, because her mama forgot to take care of something for her this weekend.  I forgot a lot of little details thanks to smacking my head on the pavement.  *NO, dear Biker, it  was NOT the shots of tequila…though they may have contributed to my rather poor dismount  from the back of the bike which resulted in the close encounter with the blacktop.*  She was  not impressed that she  had been left out of the information loop and hadn’t been told of the small concussion over the weekend.  She informed me that I am grounded.  She is so cute and amusing.  I probably SHOULD be grounded as I’m running on fumes at the moment, not acting like I have a brain in  my head.

SO being grounded (yeah, right, and  try pinning down the wind), I guess today I will work on some posts. :)  I know you are excited!

The Dating Diaries ~ The Biker And The Garden Wall

Over the weekend I had a chance to enjoy some throttle therapy in the company of a really wonderful man, we’ll call him The Biker.

Now,  I’ve known who he was for a long time, and even recently began friendly chat and banter.  Then, after becoming an avid reader of Marvi Marti, he suggested a day of riding and enjoying one another’s company.  I had one of the  single best,  most enjoyable days in I cannot begin to remember.  Okay with the possible exception of when I was getting off the back of his Harley, got my foot caught and fell backward, sustaining a concussion. BUT I am okay.

Some might wonder, since he is a biker, as in the real deal not a weekend road riding Harley owner, if I have completely knocked all sense loose.  I rather prefer to say I knocked some IN to my rather hard head.  His heart is made of gold and I’ve never known anyone quite like him.  But that is all I’m going to reveal for now.

As for the garden gate and him having a key? He chose to scale the wall, rather unconventional, and totally got my attention. Imagine that.

I think he could have written this song.   I always  have had a thing for the bad boy/rebel types.

(Oh  and it is NOT my video, I just borrowed it, as it has the  lyrics, and I LOVE the lyrics and the perfect fit to The Biker)