Tag Archives: Bible

Saturday Coffee Musings…

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Coffee cup with steamAnti-Stress & 31 oils in the diffuser - CHECK!

Relaxing Celtic harp music playing in the background – CHECK!

Hot cup of coffee within reach – CHECK!

Okay I can muse now.  :)  It is the weekend and for a change I have N-O-T-H-I-N-G I have to do.   No workshop, hair, nails or other appointments.  It’s all about doing not-a-darn-thing and I’m liking it.

Before I go any further, I wanted to explain that, upon seeing the movie, “Wreck-It Ralph” with Cowboy and my granddaughter, he and I jokingly refer to each other as Vanellope and Ralph.  We both related well to those characters.  He is actually more a blend of Ralph and Fix-It Felix.  Built a lot like Ralph, he goes on a job site and ‘wrecks’ it (rips out the damage), before his Felix side fixes the water/fire/storm damage.  He used to build houses, and has a very impressive portfolio of designer homes and buildings to his name, all over the world.  He is often misunderstood, like Ralph, but has a heart of gold.  Me…I relate to being a ‘glitch’.  I am a bona-fide misfit of sorts.  But remember, that glitch turns out to be a princess after all.  As I roll through this life I do have to remind myself at times that while I am a glitch, I’m the daughter of the King, the creator of this world, and while a prodigal one at that, I AM a princess.

Last night I had a few drinks and popcorn with my mom and niece, and fell asleep on mom’s bed while we all watched TV.  Earlier in the day I had received a call  from my other niece to check on me and be sure I was okay.  I am very fortunate to have a family that wraps around one of its own and loves them through the boo-boos life inflicts at times.

Ralph has checked on “Vanellope” a few times too, concerned about my heart and mind being bruised from the book I mentioned yesterday, and the unkind character assassination written of me.  Over many miles on his Harley (nearly 5,000) and many beers he has listened as I have shared my pain over not being with the ex, losing my home, and the close contact I had with my kids when I lived there.  My fun neighborhood and many friendships, all of which the ex retained “custody” of when he divorced me and kept the life I had been a part of.  Ralph, like many of my readers, knows how shattered I was through the divorce and he knows that the two most priceless people in this world, to me, are my son and daughter.   Naturally, he also knows that when someone hurts me I have a tendency to want to make them “bleed”.  I will go on the attack and do all I can to inflict back every drop of pain x 10 that they caused me.

I was hurting for my sister too, who, while it was credited to me and my insanity in the story, was attacked in the book as well.  My sister who has a friend from all the way back to high school. A beautiful woman with a beautiful spirit and voice, who is dying from liver cancer.  A woman who has praised God every single day throughout her chemo and battle that she is losing, dying a very unkind death, and yet she gives God glory in everything she does.  Her faith inspires so many of us, and has especially moved my sister.  When Jodi was losing her hair, she praised God that she is more than her hair, and many of her friends shaved their heads in support, as did my sister.  She went one step further and had a tattoo done on her scalp with a green ribbon (the symbol for liver cancer) and the words “for Jodi”, and until Jodi leaves this world all the ladies are staying bald with her.  My sister participated in a fund raiser to assist with her friend’s medical bills, and keeps us all updated. Jodi is currently recording a praise album, though her voice is starting to fail her as the cancer is sucking the life out of her, she never gives up and thanks God everyday.   This beautiful act of support and love for another, my sister shaving her head, was made fun of and made light of, in the book.  It broke my heart because it wasn’t enough to attack me, it was extended to my family members as well.

I went to bed only to wake up and cry some more during the night, and pray.  This morning I woke up with the following verse heavy on my mind and heart:

Ephesians 4:29

Expanded Bible (EXB)

29 Don’t ·say anything that will hurt others [L let any rotten/unhealthy word come from your mouth], but only say what is ·helpful [good] to ·make others stronger [build others up] ·and meet [L according to] their needs. Then what you say will ·do good [give grace; be a gift] to those who listen to you.

New King James Version (NKJV)

29 Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.

I have meditated on it all day when I felt the urge to unleash a hell storm of emotion and try to strike back and inflict pain in return.  It has kept me in check.  There won’t be a tell all blog or book from me trashing my ex.  While he enjoys telling folks that there are no skeletons in his closet because they are seated in the open on the couch, I do know of plenty still hidden that he’d not want anyone, especially his children, to know.  Instead I will do as I have done for quite some time now:  pray for my ex and his new wife.  For peace, joy, good health and prosperity in their life, and in the lives of my children.

I may be a crazy, nutty, bleached out and sometimes pink haired glitch, but I am dearly loved by many, and loved by One who was willing to suffer and die to save my wretched soul.

I am a princess in the only royal family that matters.

And on that note, I will put the topic in a box to join others on the shelf of the past, behind me, where it belongs.

Who Are You?

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istock_000012608923smallWho are you who claims to be a believer?

Who are you who claims to have the love of the Lord in your heart but turns your back on the unwed daughters in the church who are pregnant? Or the sons who drove drunk and now carry a DUI and are slipping from your grasp?  Those who have practiced unfaithfulness or have  stolen or any other “grievous” sin?

Who are you to think you know what is remorse or not remorse because they didn’t stand in front of the congregation to declare their sins?  Can you SEE that their heart is hard or see that deep inside them it is breaking under the weight of their sin and they NEED you to pull them to you not shove them away until they ‘repent’ as YOU feel they should?  Who are you to claim to know their heart?

Who is embracing those who grew up in the church but have wandered when you, their church “family” does not embrace them and support them? The world you preach so hard against?

Where is the love?

The love of Christ that dined with the sinners.

Are you really any different than the Pharisees who thought they knew it all and looked down or turned their back on God’s prodigal ones?

Did Jesus make the adulteress woman go before anyone except HIM to confess her sins when she was about to be stoned? or did He show her compassion and love, and encourage her to the path that leads to Him?

Who are you to judge the heart? I thought that was God’s to do?

Where oh where is the love????

Could one person who reached out and loved from the heart, showed the love of Christ rather than shunning the lost and fallen, have made the difference?

And the gossip..oh the juicy tales passed from person to person about that fallen one, did that not make you a sinner too? Isn’t the ground level in front of the cross of Christ?  Where was the compassion and love to reach out and catch those who stumbled and help get them on the path?  Instead the gossip, the shunning,  could that be what assisted them in falling off the path and in to the pit of sin rather than just stumbling?  You who have never been down that slope, have no idea how hard it is to reach out and cry for help, trying to claw your way back up, when the doors have been seemingly closed.  The humiliation carried by the sinner and being so lost under that weight that you cannot bring yourself to reach for a brother or sister…and you wonder, as they’ve talked about you  rather than help you, is their heart going to accept you and help you if you could bring yourself to their door in search of love?  And while you ‘shun’ them, the world reaches for them, loving them, soothing their wounds, wrapping around them until they have numbed from the still, small voice, and now feel the love and acceptance of the darkness because it DID reach for them, it DID care for them, it DID embrace them when the “christian family” did not.

Surely they who fell into sin will stand before God and be judged.  But you who turned a cold shoulder, who demanded repentance instead of showing love, who watched them fall into the embrace of the world rather than embrace them in the love of Christ, won’t you too be judged for how you dealt with them?  Do you really think you will hear “Well done, good and faithful servant” any more than the ones stumbling? YOU too sin every single day with your judging of others, with your gossip, with your less than loving hearts, with those little white lies you tell and other sins of omission…one’s sin may be more evident and glaring than another, but is it any less wrong? Any less a sin?

When you discovered a brother or sister was off the path and wadding in sin, did YOU do anything?  Did you run and tell another, dial the phone to share the nugget of naughtiness? Or did you run to the fellow believer and sinner and do all you could to bring them back on the path and be restored to their walk?  Did you really show LOVE, or just legalism?

Did you fawn all over the ones who joined the flock who could say all the right Christian buzz words, talked softly with a seemingly quiet and gentle spirit, served in so many ways….only to fall and then SWIM within that lake of sin.  Yet the ones who might be rough around the edges, struggled in their walk but their desire to please and worship Christ was there but you didn’t invite them to your home, or your circle of friends, you kept them at arms length when what they needed was your love and compassion.  And yet both those you put on the pedestal and those you saw beneath it, fell into sin…because we ALL are sinners, we all need Christ.

Where, brothers and sisters in Christ, is the LOVE?

Surely you’ve heard that phrase, “you may be the only Bible some folks ever read”.  What sets you apart from the world? OTHER than your haughtiness and carrying your Bible and being able to quote a scripture or two with a pat on the back and “I’ll pray for you”.  You jet off to serve in the “mission field” rebuilding churches in a place hit with a natural disaster, all the while people sitting around you every Sunday are starving to death on the pews in need of real LOVE.  I suppose it is easier to go help a stranger, drive some nails, clean up the damage to buildings, than it is to sit down and help someone you know find their way out of the damage in their life caused by sin.  To really connect and FEEL what they are feeling.

Sure, you can give a defense if your faith is questioned.  You can explain in great detail what scripture says about sin and the need of a Savior, and tell the date you came to Christ.  But can you defend YOUR faith, your heart?  Can you honestly say you have shown true love for the brethren, got down on your knees and held a shattered brother or sister to rise above their sin?  Did you talk TO them, or just talk ABOUT them?

These are the things I am struggling with this morning when I should be at services with people that I love, worshiping my Savior.  Not only do I know those who were shunned and talked about…but I was one who did the shunning, AND… I AM THAT SINNER THAT NEEDED YOU!  I fell off the path, slipping further and further away until I was out of reach and eating with the pigs in the pigsty rather than wrapped in LOVE from my brothers and sisters.  YES some was my own heart attitude, but short of listening then quoting scripture, who reached out? Who left their comfort zone to find out what was driving that attitude, and what was pulling from the other side of the path down the slippery slope?  I pray in the future I am willing to crawl down and grasp the hand of a fellow believer who has fallen into sin, to really SHOW the love I talk about having.

You warm a pew…but are you truly the remnant spoken of in the Bible?  Having been on both sides, I fear the remnant is far smaller than I once believed.

You say you love…but where is the love?

Who are you?

 

Day 18 ~ 30 Days Of Thankfulness 2012

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I am thankful for my Bible. Thankful that copies are available in more languages than imaginable.

I gain much comfort, wisdom and encouragement in God’s Word.

While I am all for memorizing passages, I cannot imagine not having it readily available to pick up at will and read.

In keeping with that I’m thankful for the various studies available both in print and online that allow me to really learn and study what the Word says.

Day 14 ~ 30 Days Of Thankfulness 2012

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Today I am thankful for forgiveness.

Not from others to me, though that IS very  important.

But the forgiveness I’ve learned to extend to others.

Forgiving others heals us, it is probably more about us than the person we forgive.

It is never easy because we get this idea that by forgiving someone we are saying that what they did to hurt us was acceptable or okay.  That is not true.  And it doesn’t lessen the pain we feel from whatever it was they did or said. But it does help the healing process, mentally, emotionally and physically.

The greatest forgiveness for me was in forgiving what pain I had toward my ex.  In doing so, and praying for him (my way of sending love), and trying to be kind when around him (another way of showing love) I found it not only easier to let things go, but I felt better on all levels.

Do you have someone you need to forgive?  Perhaps all that ‘karma’ in your life is self inflicted? Just a thought

If you have issues of anger, bitterness, hurt etc., if there is any science behind what Amanda Gore shares in this video, let it go.  This is amusing, but serious and well worth 10 minutes of your time.

And to the ex and others…. ZOOT ZOOT ZOOT!!!  :)

November Goals

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I joined this Linky Party on my Marvi Marti blog as well.  Different set of goals but LOVE putting it all in writing and making myself a tad more accountable!

My November Spiritual Journey Goals

  1. Read my Bible daily!  Follow the Facebook group Romans study and do it, daily!
  2. Ladies Bible Study – go every Friday, no excuses!
  3. Church on Sunday mornings – no excuses. A cold? Great, sit alone and don’t breath on anyone but go!
  4. Prayer time, daily!
  5. Catch up on the home group reading – and GO to the home group night!
  6. Write at least 3 times a week on this blog page!
  7. Finish memorizing Psalm 103.
  8. Memorize Psalm 121.

There we go, good start!

Bible Study With 167 Facebook Folks

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I love technology.

I love my church family.

I love my brothers and sisters in Christ.

I love studying God’s word.

Now, combine all that, through the brilliant idea of a college student and friend and you have a Bible study with 168 people (and growing) through a Facebook group for encountering Proverbs 27:17.

Proverbs 27:17

New King James Version (NKJV)

17 As iron sharpens iron,
So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.

I was SO excited to be invited into this!  We are spending now through 2/23/13 studying through the book of Romans.  One chapter a week.  Not hard at all.  And interacting on the group. You cannot begin to imagine how sweet this is for me!  Some are folks I know, some are strangers, all are of a common interest and desire.

Thank you Jessie, this is a FANTASTIC group!

 

Friday Confessional

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Ah yes, once again time to go behind the curtain, into the confessional and reveal the things others may not know, or perhaps after I bare it all they’ll wish they did not!

Okay let’s get this rolling!

I  confess… 
I’m now hooked on yet another show.  Nashville got my attention and I’m watching it too.  Oh and American Horror Story, but not sure how long I’ll stick to that one, it is pushing the boundry lines for me as far as creepy goes.  But once I’m finished with bible study in the evenings, and it is too dark and cold to be outside now, I like to watch something while working on blankets.  My list of entertainment is growing for those nights when I want to stay in!

I confess… 
I might go back to school.  I love learning new things and as I have time it would be beneficial to add to what I can do!

I confess… 
I added a stat counter to my blog.  It isn’t visible to the public, but tracks a lot of great information on those who visit my blog.  I love it.

I  confess… 
I have been working on a few posts of late just not sure I will publish them.  Might have to make those password protected so my select audience can see them.

~*~

Your journey can only be as great as the chances you are willing to take. ~ The Single Woman

I confess… 
That quote really rings true for me.  My journey is about to grow, as there are many chances I am getting ready to take.  :)  More on that at another time.

 

NOTE:  revision made, a section removed, per IP addresses in reports I believe the intended audience viewed it so no longer needed in this post. 

Saturday Morning Coffee Musings

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With just 10 minutes left in one of my favorite shows, Blue Bloods, the power went out last night.  It couldn’t just go out, it had to blink off for a few seconds, then back on for a few seconds, then off again for a brief second, then on again for several seconds, like a teaser, then finally off.  All that fan fair, and then the dark silence as the hum of all things electric in the house died away.  A trio of “NO!” followed and then all 3 of us watching TV had to use our cell phones for light to wander around and find candles,  Febreeze Luminaries (which we can no longer find anywhere around here in any store), and a few battery powered lanterns.  Seems like over kill, I know, but we have 2500 square feet of house to wander about in so we need lights along the way.  It is also a quad and each floor is large and spread out, so it takes a few light sources to keep you from walking into walls in the dark.  And it was DARK.  The entire neighborhood had been plunged into the light-less abyss.  We found out a transformer blew on a nearby pole.  Thankfully there is Prime Time On Demand or we’d have no idea how Blue Bloods ended last night.  The funnier part is prior to the power going out we were all getting tired, but once we had NOTHING we could do, we were wide awake.  We did finally give up and go to bed, only to be teased with a few brief moments of power a while later before it died out again.  Sometime in the night it did come back, however, so we are all good today.

Good as in COFFEE!!!  I do not do mornings without my coffee.  Actually, truth be told, I don’t do life period without my coffee.  It is an all day thing with me, that ever present cup of liquid sanity and joy.  8 hot calories a cup, gotta love it.  And it keeps the body count down, which is even better.  My OCD side thinks I must have the coffee in one of 3 cups, which are mine, do not even THINK about using one.  Warning to my brothers: I lick the rim of each of  my 3 cups, so rethink using one to mess with me!  It simply cannot be in any other cup or I cannot drink it.  Don’t judge, it is just how I am.  Just like, even when sick, if I’m going to be out of the bed for longer than using the bathroom, then the bed must be made.  Immediately if not sooner.  I cannot get in bed to sleep if it hasn’t been made.  Before I owned more than one set of sheets, I nearly had panic attacks while the linens were in the washer and dryer, because the bed was not made!   It took a lot for me to get used to removing all the decorative pillows in order to prop myself against the others to sit on the bed and watch TV, read or have hooker time with my crochet hook and some yarn.  I’m okay with that now, but it can only be in the evening.  The bed must remain looking beautiful and “together” otherwise.

I’ve mentioned this week that I got sucked into FarmVille2.  I’m kicking myself again, as the first thought in my brain after we learned the source of the power outage was “ERMAHGERD! My crops will wither in the fields!”  I know, it is just flat out pathetic.  I also started playing in my favorite, virtual world again, Neopia!  I finally remembered my password to my Neopets account and I’m back in to the only place I am a millionaire.  Laugh, but I am going to have to schedule, on my daily planner, game time to take care of all of my little virtual critters.

It is a bit chilly today, which is kind of nice if you like this time of year when the leaves are changing and days growing shorter.  It is perfect football weather, which I love.  But I admit, I have mixed feelings about the change in season, I do not like being cold.  I am a tropical climate kind of gal, I do not care for being all bundled up trying to stay warm.  Well okay except in my room. When I sleep it has to be cold in the room, I even shut the heat vent in winter.  But that is the only time I want cold air around me, when it is time to snuggle in deep in the covers.

I noticed for the first time how much damage is done from tanning when I was drying after a shower the other day. Damage to some of the skin on my legs, which thankfully is minimal but nevertheless still there.  I don’t tan anymore, as I have seen one too many women I know/knew who look like weathered leather now from spending time going for that “healthy glow” in the tanning bed or sunshine.  Not a real attractive look when you are only 50 and much older and worn out.  All traces of tan lines are finally gone from my body and I don’t mind it one bit.  And the skin care regimen I religious follow is paying off in that I’m getting guessed younger than I really am so I’m happy about that too.  While I had no issue with a nip and tuck, and some enhancements elsewhere on me, I refuse to have cosmetic surgery on my face.  Too scary, if something goes sideways there is no way to hide that.  I’ll just grow old gracefully battling that with good products and keeping my Yankee Belle, lily white face shielded from the damage of UV rays.

Great bible study time yesterday with the ladies from church.  Reconnected with a sweet friend from the past there, which made my whole day.  I cannot wait for next week, this study is SO good.  But that is more of a post for my other page, This Broken Angel.  I am so thankful I finally sucked it up and just went back with the right attitude and it was the right time this time around.  :)

Well the coffee cup is empty, for this moment, and the pancake I was munching on is nothing but a few crumbs, so I suppose it is time to cease the musings and get my tail in gear.  Wishing you all a wonderful Saturday and a win for your favorite, college football team.  Unless they are playing the UC Bearcats today, then no offense but I hope you lose! (that would be the Miami Redhawks).

Friday Confessional

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YEAH! It is FRIDAY baby!  Time for some confessions.  I found this meme/hop sometime back but hadn’t remembered to get in it. I’m jumping into the confessional today, pulling the curtain and letting it out.

I confess….

  • While I am not a ‘working’ girl so to speak, as I do not leave home and head to the office because my office is at home and I’m my own boss, I am so very glad it is FRIDAY!  I love the Friday night line up of TV shows right now and cannot wait to hit the couch with my crochet hook and a beer.
  • I recently took on of those DISC personality tests.  I’ve actually taken it a number of times in various formats but never really gave it any attention other than to know my personality type involved ‘D’ and ‘I’.  YOWZERS!  I finally really took time to read the 30+ page report that came with mine and holy personality Batman!  I’m and “ID”!!!  Seems I AM that fluffy puppy loving to be recognized for my efforts, to have FUN FUN FUN at anything I do, I’m influential etc.  If you haven’t taken one, do this one online it’s free.  It’s amazing what you learn about yourself, your communication style etc. OH and I’m also a ‘D’, highest on the ‘I’ and seconded with a high ‘D’..making me like a Doberman, and that is very true, if you tick me off.   “The bark is almost as bad as the bite” – I resemble that remark!
  • I have not been drinking enough water lately.  Not good I know.  Need to get back into that.
  • My name is Marti, and I am a FarmVille2 addict.  OMG what was I thinking in getting started with that?????
  • I miss my claws…my acrylic nails.  I just cannot afford them right now and it is killing me!  It is one of the many things I love to do for ME that makes me feel feminine.
  • I haven’t been as good as I should be about updating my spiritual journey blog :(  I need to get on that. SO much good stuff I want to share!
  • My laptop needs a good cleaning.
  • My bedroom, walk-in closet looks like a refugee camp for homeless items.  Guess I should address that as I cannot even get 2 feet inside.
  • I have to do some laundry, it’s calling my name and I just do NOT feel motivated.
  • The cat litter box needs my attention too.  But I’m slacking. Not wise, they tend to lash out irrationally by doing their ‘business’ else where I’m told.  Guess I’d best get on it before they prove it is true.

Me, Heaven, & Righteousness

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I recently began a fantastic bible study written by Kay Arthur, Lord, Only You Can Change Me.

I picked this study because it is one of Kay’s studies, and ALL over her books, studies, etc. are outstanding.  Another reason is because I’ve been trying to get myself back to the right path in my life.  One that is Christ honoring and not so self centered.

One of the first things this study does is to take the reader through the Sermon On The Mount, reading all of Matthew chapters 5-7.  Then going back and marking each reference to ‘heaven’ and ‘righteousness’ throughout those passages.  Next, going through and listing the verse reference and what it says about heaven, then the same for righteousness.  If you are having any doubts  about your own position in on your journey toward the pearly gates, this is a good place to start.  It is an eye opener.

Here are some of the things I learned about heaven:

It belongs to the  poor inspirit.

It belongs to those persecuted for righteousness.

Our Father is there.

Until it passes away none of the law will pass away.

Unless our righteousness surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees we won’t enter the kingdom of Heaven.

Our Father there is perfect and we are to be perfect.

God’s will is done there.

Not all who call out “Lord, Lord” will enter there.

Only those who do God’s will can enter.

Our forgiveness from our Father hinges upon our forgiveness of others.

There were many other things, if you mark the word ‘heaven’ then go back and list everything these chapters say about it, but that gives you an idea.

The list for righteousness was a real eye opener as well.  One of the biggest being we must SEEK it.  That was my “one word” last year.  I fell rather short on SEEKING most anything I needed when it came to my journey.  Praise the Lord for His forgiveness.

While going through these passages for this study I did note that I have the following passage highlighted in every bible I own, and I had underlined verse 44 in addition to the highlights.

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor[a] and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you,[b] 45 that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you greet your brethren[c] only, what do you do more than others?Do not even the tax collectors[d] do so? 48 Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.

For the record, the red highlight above (my doing) is the verse I underlined.  This one is a place I fall very short.

I wonder about where my heart might be today had I stayed more grounded in the Word of God and not allowed myself to move away from what I knew deep down was right.  Would I still be married? Or how much faster would I have healed (still in that process) if I had clung to God’s Word when going through the divorce and afterward?  I can honestly say I did NOT love my ex-husband through that time, certainly did not bless him or do good by him.  For the first time in our history I said unkind things.  Throughout our marriage, when outside of our home, I never spoke ill of the man.  But once he sought a divorce and I had moved out, I let it fly with both  barrels in my other blog and to anyone that listened.  I turned my hurt into hate.  And because I could not begin to pray good things for him, I simply didn’t pray at all.  No, not blaming him for my failure to live a Christ like life, that is all on me.  I’m not responsible for his actions, only my own.

Another section that really bothers me when I read it, is Matthew 5:31-32.

31 “Furthermore it has been said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality[a] causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.

I don’t know where to go with this one.  I struggled with it when my first marriage ended, and even more so now.  Not having been the one that ended the marriage, where does it leave me?  Per the passage it causes me to commit adultery because he divorced me.  Does this mean that blame, that sin, is on his head and not mine?  And what of a future marriage…if I marry again it causes someone to commit adultery.  It is a messy business, this whole matter of divorce.  I understand now why the bible says that God hates divorce.  It causes ripples of pain, confusion and further sins in the lives not only of the one wanting out, but for the one left behind too. (For more about this topic see Matthew 19:3-9)

I’m a long way from that place, but I have a long way to go.  I’m past the meanness in my heart and soul, the hate, but the pain is still there, my heart very raw.  But I will be applying scripture to my life in this and every other area, and praying for ME to be the one changed.

The Dating Diaries ~ Taking Down Walls From Inside Out

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I just got home from an amazingly superb weekend.

Remember The Biker?  He scaled the wall of my garden, not bothering to  knock at the gate.  He met me years ago, and has spent the past 4 or so years just observing me and watching me from a distance.  Twice I’ve been very close to going to work for his company.  He decided the time is right and came over the wall, and has started taking a sledge hammer  to that wall from the inside out.

Yes, he IS a biker, the real deal.  He is a bad boy, rebel type.  He is a very good man.

If you met him some days you’d see a business owner, professional and polite to his customers.  Demanding but fair  with his employees.  Very much a type ‘A’ personality, driven and determined.  An  extremely generous and kind soul that would give someone his last dollar and the shirt off of his back if they were in need.  You would see a man that bought stuff from a ‘homeless’ down trodden man today because the poor soul needed money.  And then this man that carries his Bible everywhere he goes, took time to share Christ with the guy who was down on the luck.  I listened to him speak of his Lord and Savior and it was quite apparent that he is a man with a heart that follows Christ.  He talked of his work with troubled youth, trying to help get them on the right path in life.  Seeing this side of him you’d be quite taken.  I watched his friend’s children jump into his arms and hug this gorilla  like teddy bear of a guy.

See him in his  leathers and he  might scare you.  He looks ‘shady’ to many, and because he is a biker they assume the worst.  And yet walking  through a store I watched children who are complete strangers to him ‘knock the rock’ /fist bump him, smile at him and adore this gentle giant.  While waiting to meet up with friends one evening outside of a bar, as a really questionable looking guy was walking my way,  The Biker stepped between me and the on comer in a very casual, non-threatening way to put his protective self between this individual and me.  When someone became drunk and disorderly at the bar later, I watched him get up, talk with the bar tender, then gently, yet firmly,  help this obnoxious guy on his way out of the door.

I was treated like  royalty.  I’ve never known such a gentle touch.  I listened to someone share and pour  out his heart, I looked into the eyes of a gentle giant who, like me, is a free spirit, does his own thing, within the limits of the law, and who thinks I am, and I quote, “beautiful, adorable, a princess, a flower, a great woman and person”.  My needs and wants came first.  He wants to not watch me soar, but wants to fly next to me.  He adores my spunk, my ‘attitude’, my curvy self, everything.

If  this is a dream….I don’t want to wake up!

What I Seek In A Church

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I’m seeking a few things in a church that are musts.  Call me picky but I believe these are very important things.

Sinners – People who know that they are sinners, saved by grace, through nothing they did, it’s God’s gift, Christ’s work.  They are not holier than thou, looking down their nose with the “at least I never…” attitudes.  I am not seeking perfection in others, I’m seeking a body of believers that knows they fall short of the mark but know that because our Heavenly Father sees us through the blood of Christ, we are perfect.  Folks that don’t judge you, but grab you and give you a hand up back on the path, help brush you off, and wrap around you in love and support.

Bible – a church that teaches from it.  USES their bibles, applies the lessons right here where the rubber is meeting the road, but that the congregation members actually show up with their bible in hand and use it during services.  And that lessons are not based on a verse taken out of context but passages as a whole and some inductive study (associated passages) pulled together.  One verse sermons don’t cut it, I can prove Adam and Eve were blind if we are going to use a verse out of context (their eyes were opened blah blah blah).  I want to be with a congregation that can sit down, pull out their bibles and find those passages and discuss, apply, encourage and teach from God’s Word.  It’s fine to put it up on a screen for those that forgot, or don’t yet own a bible, but I don’t want to be where that is the only source of God’s Word being used by those listening is the words up on the screen and not in their laps.

Music – it can make or break worship.  I am all about music being joyful (make a joyful noise unto the Lord), rather than feeling I am sitting in a funeral.  Which, for my own way down the road, please make sure the music is upbeat! CELEBRATE my life don’t mourn it.  I love contemporary worship music, but I also love the hymns.  There is a lot of biblical truth in the hymns of old and they should not be forgotten but used each week along with more upbeat worship songs.

I have NO problem with a coffee bar or donut shop in the church building.  I love to see fellowship encouraged!  People actually sitting down talking and interacting with one another.  But I also want to see that the focus of that time together is a collective worship of the Lord, a time to be taught.

I don’t think I am asking too much.

This says it ALL as far as the music is concerned.

Blowing The Dust Off This Place

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I have been negligent with this blog page, and for that I apologize.  I have neglected a lot of things really.

I stopped going to church after being judged a bit too much by people there.  I lost sight of the fact that they too are sinners and imperfect.  I got my feelings hurt and got all defensive and then just walked away.  I still pray, still try to be in the Word, but not in a church.  See, this was just so wrong on  my part. So, Sunday, being 1/1/2012…I am going back.  I’m not going to let it bother me when someone questions or judges me and my walk. The only one that matters is my Savior.  He knows my  heart, soul and mind, and I’m a detailed work in progress.  He and He alone knows the truth inside me.  Others will have to be patient as He works in me to make the changes that need to be made.

My journey back to God and church had been a difficult one for me.  My life path went places no one should ever go.

I also let hurts get to me.  I know now that I have a lot of unresolved pain still from my divorce, and that needs to be dealt with. Now.

I’ve started looking into DivorceCare groups in my area.  Meanwhile I’m getting the daily devotional email from them and I’ve bought Kay Arthur’s book, Lord Heal My Hurts.  I read it a long time ago but I needed a refresher.  The DivorceCare daily emails recommends it.  I love anything that woman writes so I’ll be starting that now.

This page is getting a make-over, I may even change the name.  Not sure yet what I will do.

2012 is ahead of me, and I am very excited.  I’ve put away the seeking for a relationship, I need to heal me, focus on me, grow me.  Heck FIND me.  I need to spend time on me and my walk, life etc, not on finding someone to fill my heart.  That void is best filled leading a godly life.

So, be patient while I rearrange, clean house, and get this page the way I want it for 2012.

In Christ,

Marti

When I’m Deep Inside My Shell

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~*~

Your circumstances don’t DEFINE you, but REFINE you..turning the ashes of your past into the diamonds of your future. ~ The Single Woman

~*~

More than one friend has been a bit concerned about the fact that I’m all closed up inside my protective shell right now after the break-up of my most recent relationship, one in which we were getting pretty serious.  We had been talking about the future, and not all that distant of one either.  His dream businesses, my dream careers (yeah I have two) and how those would work together.  There was talk of my needing to get used to having my picture taken if I was going to be a member of the family, and enjoy camping and caving.  And then suddenly, literally over night, it is all gone.  The dreams of the future have once again been shattered.

I put on my happy, brave mask, and said “It’s all good”.   Reality is it is NOT all good, I’m hurting.  I loved the dreams we shared, our goals and hopes.  I very much loved him, his family, especially the grandsons.  I enjoyed every minute we spent together, even camping which anyone who knows me knows that it took a lot for me to go on that little trip.  I was already counting down the days until next year’s Halloween family camp out, I really enjoyed it.  So yes, I’m hurting inside.

In my typical fashion I am handling this by closing my shell and retreating inside myself.  But this is how I heal, and folks need to not worry about me.  This is not just a time of healing, it is a time of growth and change, inwardly at my core and good always comes from it.

Think of it like an oyster.  An oyster shell  grows right along with the oyster.  In order for the shell to grow, an organ within the shell, the mantel, uses the minerals from the food the oyster consumes to produce the shell.  Pearls come from oysters, and are made when a foreign substance makes its way inside and gets between the oyster’s shell and mantel, not unlike getting a splinter.  The mantel of the oyster shell will cover that irritant in layers of nacre, which is the substance the mantel produces that lines the inside of the shell.  As each layer is applied it slowly becomes a pearl.  The most valuable pearls are those that are nice and round in shape.  This is because most do not turn out perfectly round, instead they are uneven in shape and are called baroque pearls.

My heart is a lot like an oyster.  It has a nice, hard protective shell around it, and on as needed basis I have made the shell thicker, layer by layer.  It is how I protect myself from future pain.  Once in a while I let someone inside that shell, to hold my heart.  But when they hurt me, and shatters my dreams, a sliver of the dream is left piercing my heart.  It is like that foreign substance that invades an oyster, my heart begins to cover that irritant in healing layers.  With each layer that is applied, I learn more about me, and I grow a little more to be a better person.  Pearls take a long time to be produced, and the pearls that make up who I am take time too.  Good always comes from the pain, but not immediately.  I need time to mull it over, work through it, figure out where, if at all, I went wrong, examine myself to see if there is a flaw in my character that needs to be adjusted and letting go of the love and the one who caused the pain.  In the end, when I again allow someone to open my shell, there they find a treasure.  Some of those pearls they find are the baroque gems, things about me that still need improvement, others are perfectly round, smooth stones.  All are beautiful and when strung together make up the person I am. 

Part of that healing is to turn to the bible, God’s word and the food of my soul.  It lifts me up, nourishes me, encourages me, teaches me, and helps to heal my broken heart.  It too surrounds those shards of shattered dreams in layers of Divine healing and wisdom, helping with the process to mold this clay vessel into the work of art I am meant to be.

This time is no different.  Inside me right now, under the cover of my shell, the splintered piece of my love for the Count and the dreams we shared, is being covered in layers as I go through the process of letting go.  The next person that is fortunate enough to open my shell and hold my heart, will find a wealth of pearls made from heartaches, loss, difficult lessons learned through painful times, each one now a valuable gem strung together to make the person I am today.

Hopefully the next person treats my heart like the fragile and priceless treasure it is, and knows what a privilege it is to hold in their hands, and will protect it rather than break it.

~*~

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.  ~ Hermann Hesse

~*~

Shelving 2011 ~ Box 12 and 13

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I follow The Single Woman and that is where I was inspired to come up with this year ending purging from my life. The first post (Life’s Changing Landscape: Shelving 2011 covers the how/why, the rest will be the 31 things I am shelving from 2011 that will not go with me into the new year, the full list of posts pertaining to what I’m purging can be found here: Shelving 2011.

 

These two boxes should be pretty easy to pack up.  They are small issues, though they do tend to mess up my day at some point.

Box #12 

Box 12 is shedding…yes I am guilty of shedding.  No not my hair…my stuff.  As a rule I only shed in my room, it is very rare that anyone will find my shoes, phone, socks or whatever, discarded about the house.  However I am guilty of that in my room.

I walk up with my shoes and drop them by the bed rather than putting them in the closet.

Mail gets dumped on the table just inside the door until there is a tower of it and Pixel knocks it down.

Avon catalogs…yeah same as the mail.

And so it goes.  Over all if you walked in  my room 95% of folks would say it was in order and clean.  But those things stacking up mean I forget to pay a bill that is in the stack, or I cannot find that note I jotted down about a website or book I want to check out.  Stuff stacks up on my Bible and I forget to read it that day because out of sight out of mind, and it just isn’t the solid habit I need it to be.

SO…shedding goes in a box.  No more of this!  In 2012 it gets put in it’s proper place as soon as I take it to my room!

Box #13

My #1 Avon customer.   Um, yeah that would be ME.  I have a tendency to buy more than I should which eats into my baby sitting money and wrecks my neat little budget.  Bad I know.  I don’t keep close track of things like I should on the “Deal Of The Day” and hit the purchase button way too quickly.

My #1 customer is going in a box and being shelved.  I will only buy what I have  profits from my Avon to afford.  And  that will be worked out on a percentage basis for anything that isn’t business tools like brochures, bags etc.  No more buying stuff that is “so darn cute” I just have to have it unless I have the profits from the previous order and then only a percentage is to be spent the rest is to sit in my account toward my goals.

Dear Future Husband ~ More You Need To Know

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Dear Future Husband,

If you are smart, and I am certain you are because I won’t marry you if you are not, you have read the other two letters I’ve written you in the section of my blog entitled Letters To My Future Husband.  If you have not read these might I suggest you do, because these things are NOT up for debate and not really all that negotiable.   Here are additions to the prior letters, pay attention.

How you treat your mother will tell me a lot about what I can expect to be treated like.  Someone told me that once that if you want to know how a man will treat you, observe how he treats the most important, first woman of his life, his mom.  If you talk down to her, are easily irritated and short with her when she annoys you, then odds are good that is how you will treat me.  Sorry darling, you are not for me in this case as you can bet your bottom dollar I will annoy you just as you will annoy me!  If you get snotty or mean tempered with me, you can count on it being dished right back at you and that is never going to work.

If you are too controlling, I’m not your girl.  I am a free spirit and refuse to be caged or boxed up by anyone ever again.  As stated in my other letter, I put pink in my hair, I like my ink and plan to have more.  I might even dye my hair black cherry because I happen to want too.  If that is my desire, please remember, it is MY hair to do with as I please.  And I will, you can bank on that.

My blog is my therapy and outlet, be thankful because it is free and a shrink is not.  Sometimes I vent, sometimes I share happy things, sometimes I pour out my heart when it is hurting.  It is NOT a damn diary.  And it is not your blog so you may not dictate to me what I can and cannot post.  You may certainly ask me not to post certain things and I will give that consideration, but in the end only I determine what is written about on this page. If you cannot live with that, there is the door sweetheart don’t let it hit you in the tail on your way  out.  I am an open book, I share too much at times, tough.  Get over it.  Look at it this way, if you want to know where my head and heart are, you can always read my blog.

I will not settle for a man that is not a believer and church attendee.  That means you read your Bible.  Daily.  And you know how to love your wife as Christ loved His church…not perfectly of course but you get it.  Might I suggest you read the book Love And Respect – by Emerson Eggerichs.  It’s a good start.

Do not ever tell me what I can post on my Facebook.  It is also MINE and I will post, repost, share etc whatever I wish.

If I commit to you, you will have my trust, faithfulness, support and heart.  I expect the same from you, 100%.  This is a two way street.  I will never again forgive unfaithfulness, so think really hard about what you will be losing before you make that mistake because you will lose me.

Do not ever expect me to read your mind or mood.  If you have a problem with me for crying out loud tell me.  I’m a reasonable woman, and if I screw up and you can show me without acting like a horse’s ass or through a knee jerk reaction (oh like maybe deleting me off your Facebook without an explanation) you will find I am very quick to right my wrongs.  However if you piss me off or hurt my feelings, I not only am most unlikely to right it, I am likely to shut you out of my heart and life entirely.

My heart is fragile and not quick to trust anyone.  I have some mighty thick walls built around it.  Inside it is a garden and if you are given access to my heart you best treat it with love and tenderness.  I cannot handle having it broken again so the first crack you put in it may very well be your last.  No man yet has shown  me that he can be trusted with it without breaking it, causing the wall around it to get thicker and more secure.

I don’t cry easily anymore, so if you hurt me to the point of tears, you blew it.  Brace yourself it will be a long wait for me to open up to you again.

That’s all for now my love,

Me

5 + 5 + 5 + 5 = 20 Things About Me!

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I am taking part in Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop today, and chose this prompt:

Five Things. List 5 things we don’t know about you, 5 things you’re knowledgeable about, 5 things you know nothing about, and 5 things you believe.

Mama’s Losin’ It

5 Things You Don’t Know About Me (at least most of you)

  1. I was not only the first grandchild on  my mom’s side, but I was born on my grandpa’s birthday!  Mom missed the party because she was having me.  Needless to say we had a very special connection and I loved him very much.  He has been gone 15 years and I miss him very much.
  2. My first dozen red roses was from my grandpa, on my first birthday.
  3. I gave birth to my first child when I was just 16 years old, on 12/26/79.  I placed her for adoption and never imagined one day  having the opportunity to meet her.  Our contact is sporadic, but I have had closure and it’s okay if we don’t ever meet again.  I gave her life but I am not her mom, she has parents that she dearly loves and I couldn’t have hand picked anyone better for her.
  4. I  think my favorite snack is popcorn.  Not into a lot of butter or flavored, just normal microwave popcorn will do.  I eat it pretty much daily, usually in the evening with a beer while reading or watching TV.  Though I did just have it for lunch, healthy I know.
  5. I am one of those people that get laughed at in the drive-thru at McDonald’s or Burger King because I order a value meal, then chose DIET coke to have with all that fat.  No, I know it doesn’t balance it in some way.  I happen to prefer diet over regular, because I find regular just too syrupy for my taste.  Yes I know that it is bad for me, but I like it so I drink it.  Life is too short to deprive myself of the things I enjoy.

5 Things I Am Knowledgeable About

  1. Crocheting things – I love to work with a hook and yarn, it is like therapy for me.  I learned the very basics in 6th grade, making up my own patterns until, while 16 and in the maternity home, I actually started learning to read patterns.   I enjoy making blankets in the Fall and Winter because whatever my project is keeps me warm while I work on it.
  2. I am fairly knowledgable about Facebook and Twitter.  I can navigate and teach someone else quite  a bit.  Until they make changes, but it  doesn’t take me long to figure it out.
  3. Ulcerative Colitis – I have it and have read anything and everything I can find on it.  I know what is likely to trigger mine out of remission and what medication works best to get it back into remission quickly.  I manage to go many years without issues because of this knowledge.
  4. Deaf culture as I was in college to get my interpreting degree and got to within one class to finish and then didn’t.  I learned a lot about the Deaf and have a great love of sign language.
  5. The dangers of drinking shots of Jagermeister.  I swear it is poison and no two bottles are the same.  I’ve had duplicate days of eating and drinking that included shots of Jag, and some ended well and others were a disaster.  Nothing changed except the bottle from which the shots were poured, leading me to believe no two are the same.

5 Things I Know Nothing About

  1. Calculus – I hate math,  I suck at numbers in general and anything above the basics is an abstract mystery to me that has yet to and never will be solved.
  2. Music.  I either like it or I do not, but that about sums up the total of what I know about it.
  3. Golf – other than it is incredibly BORING to watch on TV.  And one of the sport’s most famous had a real problem keeping his pants on around beautiful women when married.
  4. Working on cars.  I can put gas in them, check the level and add oil, brake fluid, power steering fluid and windshield wiper fluid.  Outside of that the damn things are complex and mechanical and I haven’t a clue.
  5. Horticulture – I have a black thumb and may be guilty of the death of even fake plants.

5 Things I Believe

  1. I believe in God, that He is very much there, very real, and that nothing happens apart from His will or allowing it to happen.
  2. That everything happens for a reason, there are no accidents or coincidences, and it isn’t for us to understand how that all works.
  3. That the Bible is in fact God’s word, given through mortal man, and that when we started removing God from every day life, every day life went to hell in handbasket.
  4. I  believe no one is responsible for my bad or good behavior in life.  It isn’t about my upbringing, being spanked, etc. but rather it is about choices I make, good or bad.
  5. I believe happiness in life is a choice.  Not about what happens to us but how we respond.  We chose to find the silver lining or just see the storm clouds.

A Long Forgotten Note….

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It wasn’t all that long ago…just this past December.  I was preparing my heart to return to church after about a 5 or 6 year hiatus, the prodigal child was going back home where she knew she belonged.  I had met with my friend, Jane, for dinner at Chipotle.   She contacted me after a blog post of mine mentioned her, one of very few times her son followed a link on my Facebook page and read something I wrote.  He showed it to her,  she contacted me and we met.  It was a hard meeting at first for me, the past slammed into me, the pain of all those years of missing my beloved friend and sister in Christ.  She  encouraged me to come back to my home, back to my church family, and suggested some passages to read in my Bible.

I opened my old, trusted friend, turning pages and looking through the countless little pieces of paper and photos I have stuffed in the flap under the cover on either end.  Lots of sweet memories there to be found.  I started paging through to the chapter I had promised to read every night until Sunday morning, when I would return to my church home.  The pages fell open where a note was stuck between them.  It was a white, heart shaped piece of paper, just small enough to fit inside without folding.  Edged in pink and red flowers, it was from a once special pad of paper we used to write each other little notes.  I recognized the hand writing…it made my heart stop.  Before I could stop myself I read the words….

Doll,

It didn’t rain, YIPPIE!!!

Make a grocery list, see you later,

I Love You,

PC

I felt as if I had been punched in the  stomach, and realized I was crying as tears dripped down on to the piece of paper.  See, he called me ‘Doll’, I called him ‘Prince Charming’, or PC for short.  He was happy it hadn’t rained so he could go mow his many accounts that were over due from so much rain that spring.  It was a note he  had written to me, after we had hit a major bump and went through counseling, and were so much in love again…

The note was from about 6 years prior to that moment I sat reading it again, a moment 4 months after our divorce was final.

I realized then just how much I still loved him, and how much it still hurt.

Like our marriage, the note has been disposed of…tossed in a trash can,  hopeful that some of the pain would go with it.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

REMINDER: last day to enter the give away for the anti-bacterial hand gels!!! No catch, no purchase, just go and enter up to 3 times as instructed in the give away!

Keep My Seat Warm…

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Not  to worry, my dear sisters and brothers, I’ve not gone away again.  I’ve missed a number of Sundays but I’m okay, and I’ll be back.  Don’t stop praying, I’ve been struggling, but not with my faith.  My struggle  is  with me.

I  know where I belong, and know where I should turn when my heart and mind get all confused.  I’ve had too much on my plate, but nothing of substance  from the only food that  matters, God’s Word.  Yes, there is dust  building up a  bit on my bible again, but tonight I assure you all, I will have it cleaned off, in my hand and be in it again.  In fact I am seriously considering not going tonight to my district meeting and bingo for Avon, and  spending the time in quiet time.  One way or another, I will be  back on my knees again, and in the Word, tonight.  Someone feel free to hold me accountable there.

My time management has not been what it needs to be of late.  I’ve let all sense of structure vanish from my life and that includes my time at church.  But I am hungry, and I need to be there I know.  Call me, email me, text me…I need the encouragement, need to pull myself out of my funk and be there this Sunday.

Keep my seat warm…on the sheep side, right next to Jane…I’ll be there.

About Last Night…

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I hate the time before you go to sleep at night
because that’s when all of the thoughts
you try to avoid for so long
start to linger in your mind


Last night I found myself up late unable to sleep. I have entirely too much on my  heart and mind, the thoughts would not quiet themselves.  Dozens of questions with no answers, and one particular person who was very heavy on my heart.  I decided to read and have some quiet time with God.  I’m working through a book by John Piper, The Passion of Jesus Christ.  The ‘chapters’ are 50 reasons why Christ came to die.  Each 1-2 pages in length so it is the perfect devotional book.   What better to go through leading up to Easter/Resurrection Sunday.  I’m also reading through the gospel of John too, and Proverbs.   I spent a while reading these before deciding it was time to close the books and quiet my heart and pray.

I did something I have not done in years…many many years.  I lit my luminary (my favorite night light), turned back my bed, shut off the lights, then instead of sitting on/in bed to pray, I opted for my knees next to the bed.  What a difference that made!  In the quiet darkness of my room, on my knees,  I was able to quiet my heart and mind to pray, and to feel that Presence that tells me I am not  alone, that I am heard and there is One that loves me and watches over me.  The awareness that my pleadings are indeed getting past the ceiling.

I used to know this closeness many years ago in the quiet  of the morning, bible, notebook and coffee and on my knees to pray.  I have  so missed that.  Back then I used to cover my head with a lace veil.  I had done an extensive study on women being veiled for prayer, their heads covered according the scripture.  I wore it for church and wore it in my personal prayer time.  When married, back when we used to pray together each night before turning in, I wore it then too.  It didn’t ‘do’ anything…except bring a hush over my spirit.  It helped to foster within me a humble heart, a quiet spirit, a mind focused completely on that time to pray. I  will be using a prayer shawl instead, just as soon as I can get one made.

It was hard on the knees, though not until I went to stand up and crawl in my bed.  I felt peace and went to sleep quickly after that,  knowing that my prayers were heard, and that no matter what comes into or out of my life, resting in the loving hands of my Creator, all is right in my world.