I follow The Single Woman and that is where I was inspired to come up with this year ending purging from my life. The first post (Life’s Changing Landscape: Shelving 2011) covers the how/why, the rest will be the 31 things I am shelving from 2011 that will not go with me into the new year, the full list of posts pertaining to what I’m purging can be found here: Shelving 2011.
This is the biggest box. The contents of this one can weigh heavy on my heart at times. There are thousands of unanswered questions, suspicions, and facts that all add up to a lot of unresolved pain in my life.
I may never know the truth, and really it doesn’t matter. It is written in stone, court documents, and is water under the bridge.
It is the past, painted on a canvas that cannot ever be changed.
Honestly, if the opportunity for reconciliation were given, I’d not take it. It took distance to see that he was poison to my soul. Though perhaps not intentionally, the mix of us was not good.
In my mind and heart I sincerely feel as if the level of love and devotion was one sided, which no doubt resulted in many of the issues we had. Also evident in the fact that I was not the one that quit.
Yes, while I do pray for him, I’m guilty of the “dear Lord, let his life be full of prosperity and happiness, AFTER You have him run over by a truck and the karma bus”, which is not quite what God had in mind when praying for those who hurt us or are our enemies.
But the time has come, in just 2 weeks it will be 2 years since the day I was told it was all over.
He IS a good person, and a good dad.
I wish him every happiness in the world, one filled with love.
I’ve learned what a good wife is and isn’t. Funny, that definition varies with each person and their needs. To him I was not. To many others, they are convinced I would be. If only I could find the one that matches my specs for the good husband!
I’ve taken the steps to fix me.
I’m taking the initial steps through DivorceCare to ensure this box stays sealed up tight.
For those still in the dark at this point, this is the box that contains all the loose ends of my marriage. It took longer than I thought to move past it, this whole year a time of healing for me, but 22 years is a long time to move past.
It was not always an easy ride. I have a lot of great memories, and a part of my heart that was so devoted to him will always love him. But there are painful parts too. Some of our own making, much that was just inflicted upon us from the outside, from life and frankly crappy cards dealt by fate. Well okay, Divine Providence. And while to us they seemed crappy, we were meant to go through those rough waters for a reason. Most of those reasons won’t be understood in this lifetime.
Either way, now that I’ve reached the point in my life where I want to box it all up, NEED to box it all up, I am purging it all. It is on the shelf. It is the first of the boxes to be taped up today and left here in 2011.
A new year is here.
A new, fresh start.
A blank canvas waiting to be filled with a year of hard work, lessons to learn, and a heart and mind focused where it should have been all along. On the One that never fails me, never leaves me, has my name written on His hand, and will always love me, though I certainly do not deserve it.
The other two, small boxes, just hold miscellaneous stuff and the odds and ends that don’t really have a category or need a box of their own. The ‘paper schnittzles’ of 2011 that needed to be swept up and away. Nothing noteworthy just little dust bunnies of sorts.
It feels good to leave this all behind.