Category Archives: Pour Your Heart Out

Lessons In Brokenness

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angels-falling-broken-feathersToday was the first Sunday of December, which means at church it was the day to celebrate the Lord’s supper, communion.

I had gone over the things from Pastor’s email, and spent time praying during the service, and there were things I needed to confess.

In my heart I carry a root of bitterness toward my soon to be former sister-in-law.  I won’t go into details other than to say that I see her as a very evil, manipulative person.  But the Lord put it on my heart while praying about things I needed to confess, that I need to forgive her for  the perceived wrongs toward me, and pray for her daily.

During that time of prayer, thinking on the fact that Christ died for my sins…and then it hit me.  He died on that cross over 2000 years ago for my sins…sins that had yet to be committed!  Mine and everyone elses, yes, but MINE.  Sins of a woman that had never even been born!  Sins that would not be committed until nearly 2000 years later!  He died to cover the sins of all of His sheep, and those sins, so many were yet to be committed because those sinners were not even to be born for a long time to come.  How unimaginably incredible that weight must have been!  I cannot begin to wrap my head around this!

How could I not want to fall on my face and serve the Lord, the One who paid for my sins thousands of years before I’d ever walk this earth?  Sins I had not yet lived to commit?  The love the Lord Jesus has for His people is not something to be comprehended, that He was willing to die such a horrible death, suffering like we cannot begin to imagine under the weight of sins He knew would occur but were yet to happen?  It is beyond my ability to begin to understand.  Any parent understands they would take a bullet for a child…but can we imagine dying for a child or person who was thousands of years in the future???  No, we cannot.

While  in Sunday School, a passage came up that really made me think, especially during communion:

Isaiah 55

New King James Version (NKJV)

An Invitation to Abundant Life

55 “Ho! Everyone who thirsts,
Come to the waters;
And you who have no money,
Come, buy and eat.
Yes, come, buy wine and milk
Without money and without price.
2 Why do you spend money for what is not bread,
And your wages for what does not satisfy?
Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good,
And let your soul delight itself in abundance.
3 Incline your ear, and come to Me.
Hear, and your soul shall live;
And I will make an everlasting covenant with you—

It really made me stop and think…What IS my focus on?  What is it I “buy” with my time and efforts?  It isn’t that it is wrong to work hard to achieve my goals, but which areas of my life are taking the priority?  My study in the Word of God? My walk with Christ?  Or is it still all about me, and things of this world that won’t last?  I need to prioritize my life, really focus on the things that last, delight in the Lord’s abundance first, then the rest of my life will take shape according to His plan for me.  I can pursue my dreams, but pray for what His will, for where I should go and trust that those paths will open up if they are His plan for my life and how I can best serve Him.

I’m thankful that I’m broken, or I’d never have returned to my Father in Heaven, the prodigal daughter, the broken angel in need of Him.

Shame On The Other Woman?

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*Photo credit - click photo to go to it's origin*

*Walks in, puts soap box down, jumps up on it*

I’m reaching the end of my tolerance for people trashing “the other woman” when a man is found cheating.  In fact my dear sisters that want to bad mouth these women, you need to have some sense knocked into you.  Quit slamming our fellow females and put the blame squarely where it belongs, on the cheating man!  It is time for the ones doing the betraying to be held responsible and not the person they were getting it on with.

I will use my own experience as an example.  I started seeing someone that I was very attracted too.  It wasn’t just a physical thing, we connected on many levels.  We went out, and yes we had a physical, intimate relationship as well, right off the bat (come on folks, we’re adults, this is 2011, sex happens and happens right away so get over acting like  you are shocked when it does).  I asked him if he was single, and was told he was divorced and not involved with anyone.  I believed him, what reason would I not? And, as I was single, I didn’t have a commitment to be concerned about.   All I had to go on was his word and I trusted him.  As it turned out…he was in fact very married.  Now, who is to blame here? Not me, I’m not the one that was in a committed relationship and failed to share that rather important piece of information.  I got MY heart broken because I was being lied too just as much as his wife was being deceived.  The responsible party here is the man who was married and cheating on his wife! I didn’t make the commitment, it is not my responsibility to keep that commitment to her…it is HIS!

Look, I get it, I’ve been cheated on in my lifetime a few times.  It hurts and we want to blame someone, so we lash out at the other woman (or if we are guys we go kick some dude’s ass).  Suddenly the other woman, the innocent-and-unattached-didn’t-make-a-commitment one is called a home wrecker, whore or worse.  Never mind that she was never informed that said cheating dirt bag was married or otherwise attached, we want to blame the person that isn’t in the now shattered bond of trust.  We let our sisters take the blame and responsibility for something the man did.  If he tells me he is single and I go sheet dancing with him and later it is found out he is sort of or very much attached, that is HIS DAMN FAULT.  He needs to take ownership of his screw up and we need to put the blame ON HIM!

As women we get all worked up, what does she have that I don’t have? We start picking apart the other female when the person that needs to be picked apart is the cheater, not the woman he cheated with.  We love our men so we don’t want to rip them up too much, so we blame the woman, she must be a whore or a slut.  Um…NO LADIES! She is a victim in this situation too!  She was lied too, and in a sense cheated on by the dishonest man who KNEW he made a commitment and chose NOT to honor it.  Remember, her time is invested in him, so is her heart.  He deceived her and you!  I don’t care how pretty, sexy, or tempting that lady is, I don’t care what you think she did to lure your man away…HE made the decision to jump in the sheets with her. HE was in the committed relationship, HE is the one that made a promise, and HE is the one that broke it.  Not the other woman.  It is NOT her fault.  AND if by chance she did know he was attached, as I know there are women that love going after married guys, it doesn’t matter if she DID do all she could to lure him to her bed.  If he goes, it’s HIS FAULT not hers.  HE broke the commitment, HE cheated, HE made the decision to go for it rather than walk away.

How about we start blaming the one who cheated, and leave the one they cheated on us with out of the picture.  No one held a gun to his head ladies, no one forced him.  He made a conscious decision to leave your bed and go to hers.  Which SHOULD tell you something about where you stand with him.  Don’t be upset that you were lied too, be upset that you were not worth the truth!  And put the blame on the right party.

*gets  down off my soap box*

Things I Can't Say

*DISCLAIMER – I know, women cheat on husbands/boyfriends too, but lately I’ve seen several ‘other women’ trashed when the cheater should be to blame*

The Single Girl And The Silver Lining

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Face it, singles…we have a pretty sweet life. We have ROOM to be who we want to be and to see what we wanna see. It’s not that difficult to find the silver lining in our situation. ~ The Single Woman

I was reading one of my favorite bloggers, The Single Woman, today, and that jumped out at me.  As I find myself yet again single, it is at times easy to be envious of those that have a significant other to spend the holidays with, especially as it is my very favorite time of the year.  Or to dream, build a business and relationship with, a life for two.   Her blog post today was more about singles that had yet to be married and have kids, that struggle with having so many friends that are marrying, pregnant or new parents. For me, it is at the other end of the spectrum that I reside.

I’ve been married, twice now.  I don’t really count the first marriage that much as it only lasted a few years and other than my wonderful son and the fantastic step-daughter I had during those years, there really is nothing good about that one.  My second marriage ended nearly 2 years ago, the divorce final 16 months ago.  That one I have to count, it was just short of 22 years long and for the most part I think full of good memories.  I will take the ex-husband at his words that it was 90% good.  I think it is accurate, though he is correct it was 10% bad.  And that bad isn’t all my fault or my temper, we had a lot of very difficult hurdles to over come, many related to his health throughout and that impacted us financially.  I have a gorgeous daughter, inside and out, as a result of my long marriage.  So, I’ve done the marriage and dirty diapers thing, and have the best kids a mom could ask for that are all grown up and one even getting married in a few months.  No envy for that portion of life, I feel my cup over flows there.

My envy is the lack of someone to hold me when I cry, to walk the beaches with, go to the Festival Of Lights with to see all the lights at the zoo, to snuggle with and watch TV.  I had it 3  times now since the marriage ended, and each time very much loved the men I was involved with, Mr. Wonderful, The Superhero and The Count.  Sadly each ended and really there was nothing wrong on either side, it simply didn’t work.  Unfortunately the heart gets some cracks and even broken pretty badly as a result.  But that is another blog for another day this week.

Being single at 48 isn’t really that bad, in fact in looking for the silver lining, it pretty much rocks!  And as envious as I am of those in relationships and marriages, I know that The Single Woman is correct, many attached females look sideways at me with jealousy too.

The Silver Lining Of Being Single:

  • I get  to make my own decisions without having to consider how the outcome will impact others.
  • I wear the perfume I like, not what ‘he’ likes.
  • I get the whole bed to myself.
  • If I need to snuggle at night, I have a teddy bear, and he has never been unkind, spoken harshly, argued with me or hurt my feelings.
  • Chick flicks are a given.
  • I don’t have to wrap my schedule around anyone elses.
  • I can dye my hair any color I want without worrying about someone not finding me as attractive.
  • Same goes for ‘littering’ my body with ink, only one that has to approve or like my new tattoo is me.
  • I can sleep and snore like a freight train without a nudge, elbow to the back etc.
  • I don’t have to listen to anyone else snoring, Teddy doesn’t snore and neither does my cat.
  • My cat is always happy to see me, even with muck mouth in the morning.
  • I don’t need  to clear purchases with anyone, the money is all mine to do with as I see fit.
  • I can be who I want to be, not try to adapt to who I am needed to be for someone else.
  • No one says “I told you so” if I mess up something I wanted to try.
  • I don’t have to split the holidays with someone else’s family, I get to enjoy mine every holiday.
  • I can flirt, unashamed, with the cute mechanic working on my car.
  • I can accept a dinner date or drink, and share a hot passionate kiss with that cute UPS guy.

The list could go on forever.  Certainly I had a long list when married or in a relationship that made singles jealous, but now I’m single and I can see that I have a pretty green pasture over here on this side of the fence too.  And as The  Single Woman said, “Anyone can get married.  Not just anybody can be fabulous.”   Not that one needs to be single to be so, but I am pretty darn fabulous.

Humble High Roader Or Attention Whore?

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You log onto your Facebook, or check your Twitter feed, or IM and you see the following (paraphrased from multiple such posts):

“Taking the high road, not going to succumb to the negativity, prefer not to waste energy on such person(s), don’t want anyone to take sides, pains me when people feel the need to take sides, please don’t ask I don’t want to talk about it…..blah blah blah blah blah blah.”

Seriously???  And what is the first thing everyone does?  ASKS!!! and jumps on the “oh you are such a good person/poor baby” bandwagon to try to sooth those rumbled feathers.  In no time everyone and their uncle knows what said person is not going to talk about and they are rowing the boat right along with the ‘high roader’ in that river of negativity.  Why? BECAUSE THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT!

NO one that truly doesn’t want drama,  or truly doesn’t want to talk about something or someone, will post ANYTHING about the issue, even a post to say they will take the high road and not talk about it.  It is a total ploy to get people to do just exactly that!  They want the world to ask  what is bugging them, just like the toddler who is pouting wants your attention. DO NOT GIVE IN! Don’t ask so that way they won’t tell!  Well okay they will because if no one asks they will spill it anyway but this way they look like the victim.  They’re precious little ego is stung or  they’ve done something that will show  their true colors and the only way to make sure they appear good is to inform you of how good they are going to be by not talking about it.

If it really pained someone that others were choosing sides in their  little drama fest, they wouldn’t bother to let anyone know there was an issue to begin with!  They WANT you to take a side, THEIRS!  That is why all the “woe is me, the one on the high road not talking about it”.  You ask, they tell you THEIR version that usually is spun to make them appear to be the victim and the sides of the battle are starting to be drawn.  The posts, tweets and IM statuses are just engraved invitations to come bow and make them feel better about their miserable, rotten selves.

They already wasted that supposed energy by even eluding to a problem.  And you know what? They are feeding that negative energy to you when you give it the least bit of attention.  In fact the attention is just fertilizer on their already overly large pile of bull dung.  This type of person is TOXIC!  They use these posts to lure people in to feel sorry for them and to poison the mind by telling you what they said they didn’t want to talk about in the first place.  It’s a sick game of reversed psychology.  They crave the attention and praise of others like an addict craves their cocaine.  Fact is, that swooning and pity IS their drug.

They are drama queens, royal attention whores.  Don’t do it, do not get sucked into their venomous games.  They are not to be pitied, they are sick, dark, evil puppeteers  trying to manipulate people.  They are insecure so they try to make  others look bad in order to appear to be the better person.  Like I said, toxic.  Leave them in their stagnant waste dumps and ignore their pleas for attention.  The only high road they are on is the one that allows them to step all over others, and it is far below that of the fecal matter of bottom  dwellers in a swamp.

**DISCLAIMER: If you think this is about you, then you probably have some self examination to do because there is likely a reason you feel that way, because you are an attention whore!**

THE SKY IS FALLING!!! THE SKY IS FALLING!!!

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If you do not live in this area, you really miss out on the fun of watching the panic that will set in as SNOWPOCOLYPSE decends.  Sometimes called White Death.  Known  to most of the nation simply as SNOW.  Yes snow, that stuff that happens in winter.  It is a typical occurrence here in the Cincinnati area, snow happens in winter.  But you’d think we lived in the Florida Keys and never seen the stuff before the way things will progress here.

It starts at the local news level, where I believe some sort of kick backs from grocery stores must take place.  For days out the weather men will begin predicting the coming snow storm (of 3 inches of snow) like they report on a pending hurricane on the coast.  The way people  will react to the news you’d think that is exactly the level of catastrophe we’re looking at taking place.  As the doom draws near, the panic begins and by the night before the  big event, insanity has taken over the minds of otherwise intelligent individuals.

Idea go / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Tomorrow there is a weather forecast of a ‘really big snow’.  Yes, this one is above average, we might get up to 7 or 8 inches of snow.  I’ll wait  while readers in areas such as Buffalo,  NY, laugh to the point of tears.  *insert pause* This type of snow fall here will paralyze this town.  In Buffalo and other areas I doubt it is even news that it snows.  Here, it is the leading story for days on end.  Because the snow is due here tomorrow, today is the day to get a front row seat at the grocery store.  In fact, park every extra car you own in the lot.  Anywhere will do, just go lay claim now to those spots.  You’ll thank me this evening when you can sell those  spots for about $20 a piece to the fearful coming to wipe out the grocery store.

Ah yes, the grocery store.  Out there, somewhere, is a winter survival guide that lists French Toast as the staple food to get one through a really bad blizzard.  I know this because by 10pm this evening there will be no bread, milk or eggs to be found in this city.  I have yet to figure out what else can be made from those 3 ingredients, but I am not exaggerating when I say the shelves will be empty.  You would be lucky to find a package of out dated, moldy hot dog buns at the back of what was once a well stocked bread aisle.  Hens cannot hope to keep up with the demand for eggs, and the cows will be drained dry.  It is frankly pathetic.   Really folks, if we are going to be snowed in for any length of time, what good are 10 loaves of bread, 8 dozen eggs and 5 gallons of milk???   Why not steak, potatoes, some veggies, dessert (ice cream!), a few cases of beer and  a few dozen bottles of wine, some snacks and a bunch of fire wood? That sounds like better choices to me.  Just saying.

I have lived in this city for 47 years.  I’ve survived the blizzards of 77 and 78.  Snow emergencies were declared at level 3, no one but the emergency personnel (cops, EMS, fire) were permitted on the  roads (mandatory snow days for adults are the best!), and at no time were we close to starving.  Possible death by BOREDOM perhaps but not from being snowed in, trapped, lost in white death.  WE HAVE SNOW PLOWS!!!! We have salt trucks!! And within 24 hours the roads will, for the most part, be reasonable.

I won’t drive in the bad stuff, my car is paid off and it is rear wheel drive.  I’m not stupid enough to chance it. But I will NOT panic.  I will curl up in a chair, sip hot cocoa & coffee, in my slippers and jammies and watch the deer that frequent our back yard, and watch the snow fall.

What I won’t be doing is watching local stations on TV.  Our local news media will report on the snow fall as if the Lord is returning.  From the time the first flake floats gracefully down to earth it will be wall to wall coverage of SNOW FALLING!  Every  local  news station will have every available reporter standing in various parking lots and at intersections throughout the city to report what we might not be aware of…OMGITISSNOWING!!!!  Yep, I am not kidding, this is big news.  I’ve said it before, if the world was coming to an end, a meteor was headed on a crash course with the earth and we were about to be destroyed before the dinner hour, we in the greater Cincinnati area would be blissfully ignorant of the impending death because OMGITISSNOWING!!!!!  Snowpocolypse is news here, BIG news.  If you are hoping to catch The Ellen Show, The View or The Young And The Restless, give it up.  God forbid the news would break away for the day from reporting that roads are getting slick and the snow is coming down.  A fact that everyone in the city aside from those under anesthesia for surgery will be well aware of simply by looking out a window!!!  This will continue until the last flake falls and the roads have been cleared, usually within about 24-36 hours.

Someone is shaking our snow globe!!! Run, Chicken Little, buy bread, milk, eggs!! The sky will be falling!!!

Fear Is The Enemy

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Okay so admitting my fears, the ones deep in my heart, isn’t always easy for me.  The women in my family are strong and tend to withstand the storms of life quite well and manage to shed or heal from the emotional and mental debris pretty quickly with minimal scars to show for the most part.

Last year is over, quite possibly it will rank up there as one of the top 5 worst by the time I breathe my last, which won’t be for a long time to come I do so hope.  This road I’ve traveled called LIFE has been known to take me over some very rough terrain and 2010 was no exception.

When I marry it is for life.  I take very seriously the vows, the covenant of marriage, made before God, family and friends.  I will stay in a bad situation because of the level of commitment I make.  Both marriages ended because the husband side bailed on those carefully chosen words and promises.  The first marriage only lasted a few years, the second almost 22!  My heart was very nearly destroyed this time, and I swear it hurt to even breathe for quite some time.

I built a very protective wall around what was left and vowed never to allow myself to be so vulnerable again, to FEEL again the kind of love that would give of myself forever.  With the aid of Lexapro I was able to flat line enough not to really FEEL anything at any depth and that was a good thing (better living through chemistry!).  And then I met Mr. Wonderful.  I knew him from years ago but now I really KNOW him.  For four months we’ve been getting to know each other and some how my heart began to feel in spite of me.  And I feared it must be pretty strong to make it beyond the comfortably numb existence of the medication. 

Recently I reduced the medication taking only half the prescribed dose.  Don’t worry I asked the Doc to dial it back some, knowing it was perhaps a bit too high when the news of my mother’s cancer returning did not bring tears.  Oh I FELT the fear but could not express it, I could not cry though I felt the cry there.  It has been a week and feeling is back.

In church Sunday for the first time in so very long the tears came and flowed, sweet release at last of the feelings inside.  This is, as Martha Stewart would say, a very good thing.

Trouble is with the feelings able to truly be felt and not just be something I am aware of, comes fear.  I am able to fear things again, not irrationally or to extremes, but the FEELING that fear brings at times.  And other feelings that make me scared.

I’m terrified of hurting again with the feelings I have for Mr. Wonderful.  I feel things I have never felt for anyone else before (watch for part 2 of the Sexual Purity posts for more details), and I while I really want this to last I am not certain we are not both so jaded from broken hearts that it will never work.  My heart, soul, mind and body are connected to him, to lose that will leave an incredible hole in me.   I’m so confused and afraid right now, so unsure of the unknown and where he is in all of this.

I’m fearful about my mom’s cancer.  She beat breast cancer 11 years ago.  2 years ago her appendix was invaded by a type of colon cancer and we had so hoped she beat that but it is back again.  This is the 4th time I’ve had to face and accept her mortality (she also had a heart attack a few years ago), and it isn’t at all easy to consider her not being around for a long time to come.

I know I need to trust in the Lord to get me through whatever is to come, but sometimes that is SO hard.  Fear is the enemy….

Psalm 18:1-3 (New King James Version)

 1 I will love You, O LORD, my strength.
 2 The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer;
         My God, my strength, in whom I will trust;
         My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
 3 I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised;
         So shall I be saved from my enemies.

Copyright © 2011 – The AirBrushed Diva/Marti Gardner – ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

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Learning To LIVE Again

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Recently I came across Andy Rooney’s I’ve Learned – The Art Of Happiness.  2 things really stood out to me (okay the whole thing stands out to me but due to a personal, internal struggle, 2 of them really jumped out at me).

“I’ve learned that…LOVE, not time heals all wounds.”

and…

“I’ve learned that…under everyone’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.”

I’ve really been struggling lately regarding relationships and exactly what it is that I want in one.  Friends with benefits works well in theory but there is no way that two people can spend time together as friends without some type of bond forming.  We have control over our emotions to some degree, but I don’t believe that we can make ourselves love or not love someone else.  Therefore we must chose wisely who we spend time with, flirt with, and share with knowing that the possibility is always there.  How committed we are and how much we love someone has little bearing on what can happen with another that we get too close too.  We can chose to walk away when we sense that feelings are developing but we cannot control the chemistry that happens between two people.  Add sexual intimacy to the mix and I do not believe it will remain void of emotion.

I was never one to flirt around outside of my marriage beyond a surface level.  I knew all too well that chemistry happens and when the right mix occurs between any man and woman, sparks can fly.  I only flirted within safe boundaries, with those I didn’t feel a real attraction towards, that way I could keep it fun.  Of course that too is playing with fire in that I had no way of knowing how the object of my attention might react.  Attraction is often one sided.  I also know that men rarely think with their hearts or their larger heads, so a little flirting can get a girl in a heap of trouble.  Guys are weak, and thrive on female attention.  Any female with half a brain picks up on this early in life and plays the flirt card to her advantage.  It may get  your tire changed on the road side, or free drinks all night at a bar.  It is also a power game when you can persuade an otherwise faithful man to your bed for the night even though he may have a beautiful, adoring wife at home (trust me 26yrs ago I played this game).  Men are just pigs enough that they never seem to catch on that they are being used by the flirty little tart as part of a game to make herself feel powerful.  She might even play that game a long time before setting her prey free to face the consequences of his actions.  For some such women it isn’t a win until he has left his wife and all that was important behind, only to be dumped soon after.  Men are pigs, women are vicious she devils.  Make no mistake about it.

Not all men are complete pigs and certainly not all women are demonic creatures, but we do carry those less desirable traits to our over all characters.  For me, finding the man that was a more ‘cultured swine‘ was the goal in life.  And for a long time I certainly believed I had found it.  But even he fell victim too easily to the games of the more wicked of women now and then.

After such a long time and so much of me invested in my marriage, when the end came I encased my heart and determined I was NOT going to love anyone again.  Friends with benefits was the answer to preventing pain from ever touching me.  I honestly didn’t believe I could mentally stand that kind of hurt another time without landing in a padded cell wearing a straight jacket.

Enter Pixel Kitten.  My sister’s birthday gift to me, an adorable, 5 week old, orphaned kitten that NEEDED someone to love her.  I carried her around that first weekend from Friday afternoon until I had to leave for work on Monday morning, caring for her every need and doing something I didn’t even realize was happening….FEELING.  My wounded, well protected heart was wrapping around this helpless little kitten that clung to me like I was her mama.  She slept against my chest or my face, wasn’t happy unless she was being held, and began to breathe life back into my heart.  In the first few weeks she gently helped my heart off of life support and out of ICU.  I thought it was because time had passed since I found out my marriage was over, that I finally was HEALING.  And then when I read the quote, “I’ve learned that…LOVE, not time heals all wounds.” I realized that in fact it was love the healed my heart.  I poured all that pain into loving that little bundle and without even realizing it I was feeling again, thanks to my 4-legged heart band-aid. By allowing my heart to feel love again, it healed.

Even in my favorite movie, Always, the truth was right in front of me.  It wasn’t until Dorinda allowed her heart to FEEL love again that she began to heal from the loss of Pete.  The pain I carried wasn’t going to go away until I filled that void with love, first for Pixel, and now who knows, but loving is the healing balm on the wounds of my heart, no doubt about it.

All this time I had thought I would do better to NOT feel love again, that I’d heal from my wounds and move past the pain by shutting out any and all emotional involvement with anyone.  And in my friends with benefits style relationships, it almost works.  Except that in order to NOT feel for these so called friends, the only communication that could pass between us would be arranging for the hook up and the sex itself.  No pillow talk, no sharing, just the sex and be gone.  How cold.  I’m not that type, I’m not inflatable.  No that is not at all what I want, but in order to be truly friends with anyone there is sharing which leads to caring, which leaves the heart vulnerable.  So the question is how far can I safely let down my protective walls around my heart?  “I’ve learned that…under everyone’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.” And this IS true, deep inside of every human is the basic need to be loved and with that love appreciated.   But it means allowing someone to get inside the barriers we build when we’ve been hurt.  Sometimes it is circumstances, life, fate, or people, but the pain inflicted is real and the protective walls mean to shield from future suffering.  But without love we do not heal those wounds, they simply fester beneath the surface making us unable to trust or exist beyond our self imposed exile.  We move about as an island in the world not allowing anyone close to us.  This is NOT living, this is existing.

I know that I do not want to merely exist in this life, moving through it watching others but never letting anyone get close to me.  Trusting someone to hold my heart means yes, I will hurt again, yes I will cry again, but it means I WILL be able to love again.  And love will heal the past hurts.  Not everyone I share my heart with is going to purposely hurt me, some will be unintentional.  The one I chose to give it wholly to in the future will hurt me at times, it goes with being in a relationship.  But that same person, can love the pain away and heal whatever harm is done.  It will mean being willing to be vulnerable, and take a chance on LIVING again, not just going through the motions.  Taking down the wall a brick at a time, and taking baby steps forward.

I want to walk the sandy beaches of life in a relationship again, allowing the waters of love to wash over me, feel the sun, breezes, and sometimes the necessary storms of emotions that come with opening up my heart again.  I want to LIVE life.

Pouring My Heart Out

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This was ready a day early, but I published it early because it was ready and I’m lucky if I know when I’m coming and going anymore!

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I think I finally have my footing in the world again.  The dust settled, my heart discovered that it was going to survive and checked out of ICU and into protective custody.  I’m adjusting to working and paying my own bills, and I have established a routine for the weekdays.  Weekends have no definite routine other than Saturday night wine with the Divas.

The boss resigned and I’ve been juggling 2 territories and that is finally settling down.  There are some loose ends still but I finally feel confident that I can handle this much responsibility, which I had serious doubts for a while.  See, I do not like going places that are unfamiliar (probably some big medical label for that) but now that I have been to the Dayton office and found it (gotta love GPS on the smart phone), got inside and saw what needed to be done,  I feel much better about that.  Still scrambling in some ways but I’m getting there and I KNOW I can handle it.

I love the holidays and this is the first Christmas in 23 years that I won’t have to deal with Ebenezer Scrooge.  I had no issues with us not buying for each other, we both always got whatever we needed throughout the year.  And material things mean nothing to me, actions that back up the words “I love you” mean far more to me.  I’d rather have your heart, your love, that is all the gift I need.

The ex hated the holidays with good reason, but never could let his past go.  His childhood sucked balls, no nice way to put it, and the holidays were just a more focused time to be tortured mentally by his parents.  But seriously, at some point you need to let it GO and embrace the happiness and spirit of the season.  Connect with your inner child and learn to laugh and play again.  Get some therapy, but get over it and let the crutch go!

I cannot wait for the holidays to arrive, my sister is a Christmas freak like me, though her favorite holiday is Halloween.  Like me, she cannot get the tree up fast enough (my poor mom, we will likely have both trees up the weekend after Halloween!).  The Divas love the music, decorations, smells, lights…and the childlike joy that goes with it.  It will be so nice to not have that dark cloud hanging over things that was a part of being married to my ex.  I tolerated it as one of the many ‘worst’ things about him, but it is without a doubt a major relief to no longer have too.

I’m totally enjoying my relationship with Mr. TSASA (twisted steel and sex appeal).  I’ve never been in this sort of relationship with someone before, so it is rather new and there really are no rules/guidelines outside of the boundaries we chose to set.  I’ve never known a man that would drive 40 minutes just to take me out for a ride so he could hold my hand, see me, kiss me and hug me…and that is all.  Seriously, that is new  territory.  The physical/sexual attraction is very much there, has been since the first time we met.  But really, he drove that far because he had this little block of time in his schedule and he wanted to just be with me.  It restores my faith that maybe all men are NOT pigs, just 99.9% of them.

The ‘friendship’ part is very important to me, and also admittedly a bit scary.  Friends aren’t truly friends if they don’t care about each other.  To allow a friendship to grow means that those feelings could develop and over time become something far more serious.  That is the part that concerns me.  I don’t think my heart can handle being shattered again and I have no desire to risk that happening.  But it is not realistic to think I can keep it from feeling.  I’m not going to cover it up, I smile when my phone rings and it is him calling, or when I get an email.  He makes me feel very special when we are together and apart.  But I refuse to rush this, place hope on it, etc.  Neither of us want to push things into something they are not, but we also don’t want to run from something that could be sweet and wonderful. What a hot mess!   We both are gun shy, we both have had someone we loved so much shred our hearts and drop the remaining pieces at our feet, so our hearts are locked up pretty securely.  So we will error on the side of caution and go forward exceedingly slow and see what happens. For now, we have a great friendship with a superb benefit package.

One thing the past 23 years taught me is that you can put too much pressure on a person by making them the center of your world.  Sooner or later they will let you down, they are after all human.  When everything you do, think and say revolves around a particular individual, your world will crash and burn if that person walks out of your life.  Maybe it was more than the ex could handle?  I don’t know as I was not the center of his world so I don’t know what that kind of expectation must feel like, but I’m positive I do NOT want that.  I want to be one of the treasures/blessings in life to someone, but not their sole wealth and focus.  And I never want anyone to be what my world revolves around again, my world should revolve around me.  No person should ever be my sole enjoyment, but be one of many parts that I enjoy of my life.  Certainly people and things in life must be prioritized, and I could be and could make someone a priority, but not the number one. I am number one in my life, and everyone should consider themselves number one in theirs.  When all those other things fail, you are all you have left and you better have nurtured and taken care of yourself mentally and emotionally so you can withstand when the rest is gone.

As they said in the movie, White Christmas, it is dangerous to put knights on those white horses, they can fall off.  Sooner or later every knight gets tossed off his horse, and every princess falls off her throne.   But can we forgive each others imperfections, and help them climb back up, or do we raise the drawbridge and fill the moat with piranhas?