Category Archives: My Divorce

22 years together, 21 years married and it’s over. Stay tuned…

Crazy Vindication!!!

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Yesterday I wrote some about a book I’m reading, Crazy Time – Surviving Divorce and Building A New Life.  It IS a fantastic book.  The book goes into the unspoken, marriage contract all people make, as to who will be the dominant and who will be the submissive in the relationship.  The problem comes when things deadlock and there is no seesaw of that dominance.  Seems most never realize that is the issue.

It is not to be mistaken for CONTROL.  I openly admit I was the more dominant person in my second marriage, most likely because my ex was used to a very strong mother so he was seeking, unconsciously, a strong woman in a wife.  Guess he got more than he bargained for, as he is a bit of a control freak.  But that is how he survived his mother, a familiar dance to him in life so I guess that is why he sought out me.  I was definitely more dominant but he held the control.  He controlled the money, insisted on a clean home with a place for everything and everything in its place.  His way was the ‘correct’ way to clean the bathroom, etc, regardless of the outcome being the same no matter what method was used to achieve it.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking this in that it worked for us.  Trust me, you could eat off our garage floor if that was your desire, the man was wicked awesome when it came to neat, clean and tidy.  But what did not work was the deadlock in our relationship over time with no give on EITHER side of the equation.  I am painted the bad guy, the cause of the divorce (never mind it takes 2 to make it work or fail), but I have big shoulders and the more I learn about me, the more I am more than willing to carry that blame.  I have strong shoulders and  not denying my part  in it all.

The great part about the book is it points out, there is no ‘blame’,  no assholes, no bitches.  Reality is it deadlocks and it is a rare couple that seems to adjust the dominance between them as needed.  As  couples grow and change the distribution of the dominance never changes and that is the issue when it all fails.  Neither side is able to adjust for the growth.  Especially the dominant partner, they don’t handle the other person changing on them very well.  And that would be me.  I did not handle the growth and changes in my husband at all.  Oh I wish I had known of this book when I got married, might have saved the relationship.

But that is not the topic I wanted to talk about today.  I want to talk about the MAIN focus of this book, the ‘crazy time’ both sides will go through after the marriage is over.  It starts at the the time of separation and typically, per countless therapists, lasts around 2 years.  Crazy time is just that, CRAZY!

Dominant folks like myself get very angry and are subject to bizarre behavior.  We are in complete denial that there was something wrong with the marriage and the divorce takes us completely by surprise.  The other party, the submissive, has been plotting and planning, building up strength for some time, to exit the marriage.   Often it is associated with an affair, called “the marriage breaking affair”.  The dominant may never know about the affair, but it is the betrayal that is the beginning of the split.  The cheater is building up their strength through an outside source, to pack it up and end the marriage. When they finally end the marriage, at the confrontation, the dominant person is caught off guard.  And believe me this is all a script for things with my marriage.  I did not see this coming at all.  The final two years were the best it had ever been in my opinion.  Far less fighting and tension.  Then again, the ‘submissive’ partner was taking on more and more hours at the firehouse and more landscaping accounts.  I now understand it was to be away from me so he could prepare to end things, and that is why it was quieter.  I cannot find fault in him for that, he had no idea how to adjust things either!  I had lost my job and the final 2 years I was unemployed.  I changed and he couldn’t handle the person I became as I mourned the loss of my job.  Losing a job, especially one you were at a long time (26yrs for me) is like a death.  You go through all the same stages of grief and I was busy doing just that.  As I was coming out of that 2 year crazy time, I got slapped with the divorce and got to go through the whole ‘death’ thing all over again.  It’s a wonder I didn’t act on the fantasies of running his ass over!

Being dominant means denial at first.  Then the anger sets in accompanied by bizarre behavior.   Some even carry it too far and that is when the dominant partner might go as far as to kill their ex.  Most never carry out their vivid fantasies of revenge, but seems some will.  However the feelings and frustrations, the desire to ruin the other party, is perfectly normal.  And the off the wall behavior, like lashing out irrationally in my blog, or getting totally plowed drunk with my son, was completely ordinary.  Submissives go through that strange behavior too, doing things they never really did before.  My ex played soccer all of a sudden with the girl I believe was the marriage breaking affair, if not physically at least on heart and mind level.  In 23 years together, 22 of those married, he had never expressed any desire to play soccer.  I wasn’t there to see it but I’ve heard he did his share of ‘crazy’ stuff too.  More power to him.  We were being ‘normal’.  He  didn’t care for my insanity and made that known and even told me others thought I was a nut case.  I laugh out loud now, because yes indeed, I was acting like a nut case!  A perfectly normal, ordinary response in our situation.  I feel vindicated!  And hey, I didn’t run him down, shoot him, stalk him or try to destroy him.  I stayed on the edge of the cliff.

I am just past 2 years from being told we were done.  May 1st marks the 2 year anniversary of my exiting the marital residence and our separation leading up to the divorce.  The divorce was final in August that year.  So, I am nearing the end of the typical 2 years it takes to work through the crazy time.  Over all I’ve done well, and gone through the stages of grief.  I knew I had arrived in a better place and was past it when I recently saw a photo of my ex and his new love, and I smiled!  I actually realized I was happy for him.  He didn’t have that Walter (Jeff Dunham puppet) scowl on his face, it was a genuine HAPPY smile!  At the same time I noticed I was feeling relief that I am NOT attached or in love.   The Count was the breaking of my own deadlock I was still carrying around for my marriage.  I feel gloriously independent, enjoying soaring in the sky and flying free.  It’s so exciting, exhilarating and scary all that  same time!

But more on all of that tomorrow.

If you are going through a divorce, or contemplating one, or just passed one…heck if you are about to get married, PLEASE read this book.  It has been so very helpful for me to realize I wasn’t losing my mind, I was sailing through very normal waters.

Echos Of The Past…

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I  hadn’t been through the door in over a year.  I wasn’t really sure how I would feel as I entered there.  Earlier in the day I dropped off some things needed for later that day, but I was in a hurry, and had a helper with me.  I really didn’t have time to think or feel…

But later, when I returned, the  circumstances were different. ..

Once upon a time it was a haven, a nest, a safe place that made me feel loved and secure.  The furnishings and atmosphere were warm and inviting, nothing fancy, but it was HOME.

But now it was different.

While I could hear the echos of the past within the walls, the present drove them back.

Nothing felt cozy and welcoming.

The furnishings are different, and while some of the occupants are the same, there are others now, the place just felt unfamiliar.

I don’t know what I expected to feel, but there was nothing friendly, inviting, or secure in what I sensed in the atmosphere.  In fact, it felt rather empty and hollow, even rather negative at times.  But mostly just empty.

There were times, around various individuals, I felt judgment and coldness despite the smiles and hugs, it was somewhat suffocating.

Other times a warm, missed, loved, and longed for…  But mostly I just felt completely out of place.

I felt very out of place…

As memories of the past crept in from time to time, I began to wonder…

did I ever really belong there….

Dear Soon-To-Be-Ex (though not soon enough)

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****Disclaimer – this is very full of raw emotion, and may not sit well with many.  Please do not judge me, I am venting and feel the need to put it all down in words.****


Regarding your uninvited visit to my home last night,

First, the next time you come storming out onto my deck ordering me around, “we need to talk” be forewarned that I very well may get out of my chair and slap you straight out of your shoes.   You lost the right to tell me anything the day you announced you were filing for divorce, and especially the right to tell me what to do, or even what you think I should do.  Feel free to call ahead and ask if we can talk, but be prepared for me to ignore you or tell you to go to hell.  In other words do not expect a warm fuzzy reception to the idea of seeing you or talking to you.

You seemed so perplexed when you asked me why I have such hatred toward you, I guess  you thought I’d be a sobbing mess wanting to work it out like I was the first few weeks after the big announcement?  Perhaps you expected me to send you flowers and candy and be over joyed with my sudden freedom? Perhaps you really do need your head examined because you obviously are off your rails.

I never had the pleasure of being a stay at home mom though it was my dream and you knew that.  You on the other hand were home a good portion of our childrens growing up years while I worked and supported our family.  While many of those years it simply was the logical choice as I had a great paying job and medical insurance and could pull in a larger income than you.  It also would have meant paying for daycare if you worked so it was silly for you not to be home.  Then for many years while you were down and broken from, lets see I think it was about 15 surgeries, I continued to work and provide a roof over our family’s heads.  Throughout those years you were sleep deprived from the pain you were in physically, and a flaming, wrap around grumpy asshole from the pain medications.  They were far from happy years but when we took our vows, “for better or worse, richer or poorer,  in sickness and in health” well silly me I took those quite seriously. It was worse, poorer and sickness all rolled into one big miserable experience, but I loved you and hung in there.

At some point in the midst of that I decided that going to college and getting a degree would help me to pull in a better income so I left the house every day at 6am and didn’t get home until 10pm 4 days a week and sometimes was in class on Saturdays, trying to hold down a full time job and get my education.  While I am busting my ass to improve our situation you are on Adult Friend Finder advertising for a daytime or evening playmate on days when your wife is in class, exchanging very graphic emails and meeting these ladies for lunch in search of a few booty buddies.  Bad form, dear king of the swine, really bad form.  And yet despite that, all uncovered while my mother is fighting breast cancer and my grandmother dies, I like a fool forgave you and tried to get past it all.   Is it really any wonder, under that kind of stress, I went off one night in an angry rage and told you that I wished you like your friend, Tim, that had died and were rotting in hell? Seriously did you not grasp the pain I was in from your betrayal???  But I loved you and figured that we’d hit about as ‘worse’ as it could get.

When your friend, Brian, died fighting a fire, it rocked your foundation AND mine.  My worst fear in this world was losing you in your chosen profession.   It hit a bit close to home and it really messed with my head and I know it messed badly with yours.  I’d hear sirens when you were on duty and sometimes get physically ill from the worry.

Then a few months later I lost my job.  You are picking up the slack, working more hours than ever, and I’m growing very discouraged trying to find a new job.  My stress level is on the ceiling and you wonder why, in a drunk rage I again said something I regretted and always will?

The one good thing in being jobless for 18 months was the amount of time I was able to finally spend with our daughter.  I was at last given some time to be a stay at home mom and bond with my last child, and I treasured those days.

I loved our house, loved everything that was done to improve it.  I often sat and looked around me counting my blessings, having such a neat house, and things like a pool and hot tub.  It isn’t a palace but it was ours, and our home was so my haven.  And I loved you more than you could ever know.  It isn’t news, I told you that even after 22 years I still got butterflies in my stomach when I heard you come home, your touch still felt like electricity to me.  I felt like the luckiest woman in the world to have you, our home and our kids.

Then out of no where you took all of that from me.  I lost you, the single most important person in the world to me,  lost living with my daughter before she finally is on her own with her own home, and lost MY home, my haven, and had to move out.  My future and my dreams of US.  Everything that was dear and priceless to me was taken away from me by you and destroyed, leaving me emotionally and mentally shattered.  And you seriously have to ask me where all this anger and hatred towards you comes from?  It is a fine line between love and hate I hear, and I can relate to that now. The love turns to hate because it is how the heart coats itself from the intense, pure, raw pain that burns deeper than anything I ever could have imagined experiencing.  And seeing you parading around town with your 26yo girlfriend is salt in those open wounds.

That, oh you clueless fool, is why I am so angry and so full of rage toward you.

PMS, Pixel Dust & Fantasy Dialog

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7 years ago I had a hysterectomy and while it released me from monthly visits from the menstrual fairy, it did not relieve the PMS symptoms that invade my otherwise pleasant self and morph me into some kind of a demon possessed freak.  If anything, I would say that the older I am the more vicious and scary that demonic aberration can be.  I have 2 distinct days when it hits, and about every 3rd month the symptoms are to the extreme.  One day being the depression day, when I have the blues and will cry at the drop of a hat over ridiculous things, the other is anger day.  I feel it push the rock from in front of its cave, oozing out to course through my veins, taking over any rational thought or irritation and turning into a nuclear melt down.  Yesterday was odd, both hit at once and I flipped back and forth between them as if someone was randomly flipping a switch.  Thankfully the Lexapro does keep things in check so rather than a full blown radioactive disaster we just had a bonfire of anger at times.   I took it out on the soon-to-be ex-husband, who better?

The dung hit the fan blades when I began thinking about the 26 year old bimbo that began sending him her photos on his cell phone within a week of him telling me he wanted a divorce.  She turned up on his Facebook friends a few months prior.  He bragged to some coworkers about this 26 year old being interested in him when the pictures started coming, a big hairy deal for a 45 year old man.  I’m supposed to believe him that she was not in the picture prior to his sudden shift in attitude toward me in those months before telling me he wanted out but that is a little tough to accept.  No man I have consulted for a guy’s opinion is buying it either, in fact all of them kept telling me this divorce likely had more to do with another woman than me.  I got upset on my way home from work thinking about how I had to give up MY husband, house, hot tub and pool and this little tart is now using all of those AND sleeping in my bed.  The embers smoldered into flames and I decided that I was not in the mood to be cooperative with him.   It was an evening of signing paper work that he had not brought the first time and providing copies of my drivers license.  I was NOT in a good place to say the least but happy to report that my prince turned loser in tin foil and I will be officially divorced on August 2nd.  A Monday because the courts don’t do divorces on Fridays.  I wanted it on our anniversary, thought it would be funny to end it on the same day it began but this year August 13th is a Friday, which would be even MORE fitting!

Fantasy dialog – those things you WANT to say or do but don’t, except to someone close to you that knows you’d never really flatten all 4 tires on the car that is parked entirely too close to yours when you come out of the store.  It is a form of venting.  Like last night after king of the swine (hey HE is the one that told me all men are pigs) stopped by.  I told the other Divas that, since the royal oinker is even more allergic to cats than I am, I’d love to take Pixel kitty over there and rub his pillow cases all over her the next time he is on duty at the fire house.  Cat dander would have his baby blues swollen shut and watering by the time he woke up sneezing all over himself.  My mom chimed in and referred to the dander as Pixel Dust.  Not to be confused with Pixie Dust, Pixel Dust isn’t going to help anyone fly no matter how many happy thoughts they can think.  Though if it was Pixie dust, it was one deliciously gleeful thought for me that would have had me soaring above the clouds!  Hmm..maybe rub his bath towel all over her too.

Today is a new day, the sun is shining, the weather is beautiful, and the evil monster is back in her cave.  Marvi me is back in her glory, wishing nothing but prosperity and happiness for the ex-hubby to be, right after a piano falls on his salt and pepper haired head. *wicked evil grin*

UPDATED 7:45PM

Seems the little ho-se bunny is MARRIED! Found her on my  son’s Facebook, along with her husband’s page, and they have a child,  looks to be about 2yo.  How precious  is that! Wonder if the hubby (who is a co-worker of one of my offspring) is aware  his  wife is spending a lot  of time in my former bed with the soon to be former hubby? Wondering is that the sudden rush to empty out the spare bedroom? Moving her and the little bundle of joy into  the house? How  delicious is that!  *wondering* will the little  girl call Pete step-daddy…or GRANDPA since he is old enough to be her momma’s daddy…..

One Step Closer

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Yesterday Pete and I made one giant step closer to no longer being legally bound to each other, we did the paperwork and sent it back to the ‘lawyers’ for our divorce.  We’ve opted to use Legal Zoom to cut our costs. Once he payed the fee he started answering a bunch of questions covering every aspect imaginable in our marriage from property to debts, in detail, and which of us would take possession of each. Thankfully our kids are grown so that is not an issue as that would be a huge section all on it’s own.

He had to call me several times to obtain information he did not have in order to get it all filled out and then called me a few hours into the process to provide me with the log on ID and password so I could review it to ensure there are no ‘surprises’ in the information. I didn’t bother, there won’t be any. One thing about Pete is that he is trying hard not to be unfair in this process. In fact if anything he is being way more than fair and taking on a lot more debt responsibility than would be assigned if we fought this out with lawyers in a court room.

That along with his rapid push to get it all finished has made me suspicious that my assumptions are correct and that there IS someone else and has been for some time now. Several times in this journey I’ve gotten upset and threatened to drag this thing through the legal system and force the house to be sold and ask for spousal support. I know, not real mature but I was hurting and lashed out at him because I am fairly certain this has more to do with another woman than any character flaw I might have. He says he wants it over with so I don’t do exactly that, attempt to screw him over in court. Reality is I would not be screwing him over, the laws would grant certain things but I am not into causing him grief, just would like an honest answer as to why.  We’ll have the paperwork back in about a week to ten days, file it and then be legally divorced, the rest of this taking about 6 weeks total.

I found it interesting in dealing with that yesterday that I was not upset. It dawned on me that in the month and 3 days that I have lived in the Princess Palace I have not cried at all over this. I no longer reach for my phone to text him something funny, say good morning, or tell him to be safe on the job. I’ve established my life and routine now that does not include him and I’m really okay! Heck better than okay I am happy and at peace. No one saying “that’s stupid” or “that’s a waste of time” to things I enjoy doing with my time. I started thinking on what it was that brought me to this point of tranquility.

First getting out of the house and into a new home helped a lot. We aren’t around each other with all the tension and pain of being together without BEING together.

Taking over my own finances and being responsible for paying my bills, on time, all on my own while maintaining a budget. This was a huge step of independence as he always handled the finances. Now I see where every dime is going, manage my payments and then get to determine how I will spend extra cash left over.  That is both liberating and frightening but I’m managing very well so far.

Getting out  and starting to do things that I enjoy and building a new social circle has also been a huge factor in my healing.  I’m also very thankful for those TRUE friends, the real ones that have stuck by me through the rougher waters at the beginning and my adjustments to this single life.  The ones that didn’t abandon me simply because they didn’t necessarily like where I was or what I was doing but loved me and stayed  within reach  while I took those  steps  to right my world.  Karma can be a real bitch and I hope she passes them by, those that walked away, rather than bite them in the ass as she often does.   I would not wish this on my worst  enemy let alone someone I had  thought was my friend.

Blogging has definitely helped me through this as I have been able to journal my feelings and share that which I do not mind if others know.  I’m a pretty open book for the most part.  As my soon to be ex says, I have no skeletons in my closet, mine are sitting about on the couch where they are in full view,  I have nothing to hide.  While I may not offer  the information, if you ask me I’ll be completely honest.  My blogs are not written for anyone but me.  No offense to any readers but I write about me, my life, my thoughts etc and not to impress  anyone.  Blogging is therapy for me.  My perspective is if you don’t like them, then don’t read them.

The other thing that has helped a lot is Pixel, my four-legged, furry, heart band-aid.  While she is a rescue kitten, it is up for debate exactly who rescued who.  She gives me someone to nurture and love that needed me at a time when I needed her.  My heart was feeling kind of empty  but she  moved right in and  left paw prints on my soul.  Whisker therapy for  my broken heart has been the  best medicine around.

My sleeping baby


UC version of the blanket

Reading and crochet are also means of therapy for me that are being picked back up this weekend.  With the summer reading program I’m in a little friendly competition with my sister to actually read some books.  That won’t take any encouragement!  I have no less  than 4 crochet projects in my closet right now, 4 wonderful blankets that need to be finished.  One in particular for my dear friend, Mario (no I have  NOT forgotten you sweetie!)  who is a huge Bengal fan,  like me, and is patiently waiting his blanket in team colors.  I promise you will have it by preseason kick off my beloved, Italian buddy!  The UC blanket is what it will look  like only in orange, black and white.

But for now, it is dinner time, another special part of  healing, where all the women in the Diva Den come together to eat, laugh and talk.   Not unlike our Saturday, late night  wine time, this is one of my favorite parts of the day.  Being with family is very important to me as I move closer to the day when I will no longer be married.