Category Archives: Letters To My Future Husband

Dear Future Husband ~ It’s My Heart, Thank You Very Much

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Dear Future Mr. Marvi Marti,

Gosh I love that…Mr. Marvi Marti.  You see, it is likely that is what you will be known by, as I am just that much of an over powering presence.  I tend to out shine, out last, out speak, out love, out argue etc, any man in my life.  I am quite a force to be reckoned with, no doubt.

Speaking of “out love any man”, however,  yes we DO need to talk about that part at some point and now is as good a time as any, as to date the position is still open for the future Mister.  This is because as of now, if someone likes it, they haven’t put a ring on it. You know the song.

Monday marked what would have been my 24th wedding anniversary to Lord Voldemort.  Yes, by the way, it is said in fun so just get the hell over it, oh readers who love to run tell him what I write about him. He doesn’t give a rats ass and I say it in complete fun.  Sorry, dear ex-hubster, if your “friends” feel the need to report what I write, perhaps it is time to trade them in for ones who respect your ‘claimed’ wishes to not tell you.  And SO sorry, future one of mine, I hijack my own posts once in a while, get used to it.  I’m told it is A.D.D.

My dear, future spouse, you must accept something very important.  I was married for 2 weeks shy of 22 years.  In that time I went from loving my spouse, being in love with him, to loving him with every fiber of my being, every cell in me.  It didn’t come about over night though.  That kind of love grows through many trials and difficulties, and many more happy good times.  Nearly losing him 3 times to death grew that love which is why I stayed through the shit storm life seemed to always throw our way.  Watching him be a daddy, comforting our children, those sights burned that love into my heart.  Supporting him and watching him achieve dreams, it carved him deeper  into my heart.  Yes, to this day I love that man very much, that will simply not change.  True, real love doesn’t die.  And that is why the divorce was so painful and still is for me, knowing that the love that I had for him was one sided.  He loved me, but not like I loved him.  Not with the kind of love that comes from every part of someone, that keeps promises made, the love that never gives up and stays when someone is most unlovable (rest assured he was very unlovable at times and is not the saintly  husband some think – and you can bet I can play a tie ball game in that regard).  To know that you gave someone your best years,  love from the core of your being, only to have them toss it aside like a waded up receipt, that kind of pain you just don’t bounce back from in 2 years time.  When I looked up and saw the date, 8/13, I cried all over again.  I miss the man that held me when I cried over losses, who snored softly beside me when he slept, who made me laugh at stupid, silly things, was the object of my fantasies, and made me excited just by the sound of him pulling in the driveway.  The man who could raise my desire simply by touching me.

That part of my heart is now very much closed.   I don’t know that I can ever love on that level  again.  No, it is not impossible, but it is highly unlikely.  Because when you lose the person you loved that much….it is a pain beyond words.  It hurt to even breathe.  No, it doesn’t hurt quite that badly now, but I’m still pretty raw and vulnerable on those depths.  I’m not sure we can love like that more than once in a lifetime.  Because self preservation closes those depths in the heart and seals them over.  To hurt the deeply more than once…well frankly the thought is unbearable to me.

I can love you, be your best friend, companion, cheer leader.  I can and will be faithful, there will be only you if we make a commitment.  But the deepest part of my heart is not within anyone’s reach. Even the one I loved that much could never hope  to pry that place open again.  That is why, should hell freeze over and he ever wanted to patch things up, the answer would be a concrete NO WAY IN HELL.  For one, I could never trust him again.  And of course, that love I had is locked up so tightly away now, my heart could never freely give it again to someone who threw it away.

I will use everything left in me to love, cherish and adore the man I marry, should I ever go that route again.  If that is not enough, then my dear man, I am not the one for you.  Keep looking for what you seek and I hope you are able to find it.  If you want someone who keeps those promises made in the wedding vows, “through richer or poorer, good times and bad, sickness and in health….” yada yada yada, then  please, pursue that road with me. I honor my vows and take them very seriously.

It’s MY heart, and even if I thought I could love on the level again, I don’t know that I would, and that is my right.

Dear Future Husband ~ Perfect Imperfections

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Dear Future Mr. Marvelous One,

I’ve been negligent  of late in writing you, but it really doesn’t matter that much as I’ve stopped looking for you, at least for this year.  This whole no dating thing for 2012 has been amazing, I am enjoying being just me.   There is freedom in allowing myself to be ridiculous when I feel like it.  Like today, I was in bed until nearly 9am and no one to give me grief for wasting the day.  I desperately needed the sleep.  And now? I’m a vision of beauty  sitting here in a neon pink sport bra and black, fleece jammie pants that have pink coffee cups all printed on them.  Well I AM beautiful as I am freshly showered, have on my makeup and styled the sassy red hair.  Not to mention the shower gel, lotion, skin softner, deodorant  and cologne  are all  the same scent, as always.  Have my long, sexy nails still, nose ring  sparkling in the sunshine.  Yes, a true vision even if  a bit curvier that I should be.  I’m sexy that way.

I’ve been contemplating love a lot lately.  That happens when you go to a wedding, especially one in which you are playing a staring role, as the Mother Of The Groom.  Granted it is more of a supporting role, but I was all class, just like I know you’d be proud of, in the end I always do the right thing, the classy thing, and rise above the bottom feeders.  Enough said.

Anyway in contemplating love I realized that love is accepting.  That doesn’t mean all approving, but when you love someone, really love them, you accept who and what  they are, and you don’t withhold your affection in order to mold them or change them.  That isn’t love, that is control.  I didn’t condone everything about the previous spouse.  And while I didn’t always like everything about him, I accepted him and his OCD ways, controlling nature and stubbornness when it came to everything had to be HIS way, despite my own desires.   I stayed, stuck it out and remained faithful.  Believe me he  and every other man I have loved, have some damned unlovable characteristics, we ALL do.  But those vows, they weren’t empty words to me.  I’m a woman of honor and integrity and I took every word quite seriously.  When I again make those promises,  in my mind they are binding for life, as they are meant to be. Not until one of us finds someone else more appealing or gives up trying to make it work.  I don’t give up.  If  I make the decision to spend my life with you, it means I’ve determined I am able to accept you as you are and who you are through and through.  I will not commit to you if I cannot accept you or your way of life. It would not be right.

When you love someone, and take on such important promises, you find a way to make it work.  You accept that the person you are committing to is not perfect.  If we were perfect we would not be very interesting.  It is our imperfections that make us a unique treasure.  It is very easy to love someone for who they are, but when you love someone, you love them for everything that they are NOT as well.  THAT, my darling, is where the rubber of real love meets the road of commitment.   And you help them to become better people.  This is rarely accomplished by bailing on the relationship.  You support their dreams, even if it is a neck tattoo that might make employment difficult to find. Remember, it is THEIR dream.  You want them to be supportive of your dreams too, correct?

My point would be, do not try to change me.  Only I get to do that.  I get so tired of men telling me that they don’t want a woman who tries to change them and who or what they are, yet one mention of my wanting a new tattoo or to dye my hair and they freak the hell out and try to tell me NO.  My hair, my skin, MY decision. Not yours.  The last ass clown I was in love with (yes, The  Count – Count Tyrant would fit – there was NO honey in the baked egotistical ham) tried to tell me that if I was going to be a part of his family I needed to get used to having my picture taken, even though I HATE having my picture taken.  He has his dreams of owning a bed and breakfast, a location for it, everything based on him, his family, and what HE wanted and dreamed.  I totally supported it all and was quite willing to work side by side with him, though it was never to be of any benefit to my children if we married, only his and his grandchildren.   Pity he didn’t feel as strongly about supporting what I wanted.  He didn’t want anyone in his circles to know of my fun, colorful past (swinger) etc., or that I had tattoos.  I wasn’t to dye my hair, no more “littering my body with ink” etc.  He told me often how much he loved me, and even gave me little gifts to express that love.  But that ‘love’ was nothing more than trying to mold me to be what he wanted.  He must have failed to realize that I don’t come with a menu of options to chose from, I am who I am. Period.

I’ve really a need to find a man that wants me for who I am and is willing to give me the freedom to be ME, rather than try to make me like him.  If you love me you love who I am inside, the part of me that you see when you close your eyes, or the room is pitch black…the person INSIDE.  The outside package will change as I change, and with age.  While I will have preferences in your appearance, I will never say ‘NO’, after all it is YOUR body.  If I love you, it is for who you are and are not on the inside and the outside.

Accept the outside, or you will never have the inside, which is where the  true  treasure of who I am is kept.  You must prove yourself worthy to get there, you can thank all those  who broke my heart ahead of you for the fortress surrounding it now.  Patience,  and proof that you are not like them,  is the only way to hold my heart.

Much love to you, whoever you are,

Me

Dear Future Husband ~ More You Need To Know

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Dear Future Husband,

If you are smart, and I am certain you are because I won’t marry you if you are not, you have read the other two letters I’ve written you in the section of my blog entitled Letters To My Future Husband.  If you have not read these might I suggest you do, because these things are NOT up for debate and not really all that negotiable.   Here are additions to the prior letters, pay attention.

How you treat your mother will tell me a lot about what I can expect to be treated like.  Someone told me that once that if you want to know how a man will treat you, observe how he treats the most important, first woman of his life, his mom.  If you talk down to her, are easily irritated and short with her when she annoys you, then odds are good that is how you will treat me.  Sorry darling, you are not for me in this case as you can bet your bottom dollar I will annoy you just as you will annoy me!  If you get snotty or mean tempered with me, you can count on it being dished right back at you and that is never going to work.

If you are too controlling, I’m not your girl.  I am a free spirit and refuse to be caged or boxed up by anyone ever again.  As stated in my other letter, I put pink in my hair, I like my ink and plan to have more.  I might even dye my hair black cherry because I happen to want too.  If that is my desire, please remember, it is MY hair to do with as I please.  And I will, you can bank on that.

My blog is my therapy and outlet, be thankful because it is free and a shrink is not.  Sometimes I vent, sometimes I share happy things, sometimes I pour out my heart when it is hurting.  It is NOT a damn diary.  And it is not your blog so you may not dictate to me what I can and cannot post.  You may certainly ask me not to post certain things and I will give that consideration, but in the end only I determine what is written about on this page. If you cannot live with that, there is the door sweetheart don’t let it hit you in the tail on your way  out.  I am an open book, I share too much at times, tough.  Get over it.  Look at it this way, if you want to know where my head and heart are, you can always read my blog.

I will not settle for a man that is not a believer and church attendee.  That means you read your Bible.  Daily.  And you know how to love your wife as Christ loved His church…not perfectly of course but you get it.  Might I suggest you read the book Love And Respect – by Emerson Eggerichs.  It’s a good start.

Do not ever tell me what I can post on my Facebook.  It is also MINE and I will post, repost, share etc whatever I wish.

If I commit to you, you will have my trust, faithfulness, support and heart.  I expect the same from you, 100%.  This is a two way street.  I will never again forgive unfaithfulness, so think really hard about what you will be losing before you make that mistake because you will lose me.

Do not ever expect me to read your mind or mood.  If you have a problem with me for crying out loud tell me.  I’m a reasonable woman, and if I screw up and you can show me without acting like a horse’s ass or through a knee jerk reaction (oh like maybe deleting me off your Facebook without an explanation) you will find I am very quick to right my wrongs.  However if you piss me off or hurt my feelings, I not only am most unlikely to right it, I am likely to shut you out of my heart and life entirely.

My heart is fragile and not quick to trust anyone.  I have some mighty thick walls built around it.  Inside it is a garden and if you are given access to my heart you best treat it with love and tenderness.  I cannot handle having it broken again so the first crack you put in it may very well be your last.  No man yet has shown  me that he can be trusted with it without breaking it, causing the wall around it to get thicker and more secure.

I don’t cry easily anymore, so if you hurt me to the point of tears, you blew it.  Brace yourself it will be a long wait for me to open up to you again.

That’s all for now my love,

Me

Dear Future Husband ~ More You Need To Know

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Dear Future Husband,

While you are out there waiting for me to find you, I thought of a few more things that might be good to put on the table, up front like, avoids unpleasant surprises.  

  • I am NOT a morning person.  In fact I am a bit of a grump when I wake up if it is not by my own choosing.  Until I have had  coffee and a shower, it is just best to give me my space and not bring up anything that might be upsetting to me. That would be just about anything other than “honey the coffee is ready and here is a cup just for you”.  It is nothing personal, my brain just doesn’t engage all that quickly in the morning.  Think ZOMBIE.
  • I am not one to eat first thing in the morning.  It upsets my stomach, so if you want to go to breakfast I need time to wake up.  Breakfast in bed is not a good idea unless I have had coffee and I’ve been awake for awhile.
  • I am very self conscious, so I will not go out without my makeup on.  It simply doesn’t happen.  I need 40 minutes from the start of my shower until I’m ready to roll out of the door.  That is actually rather impressive for getting clean, applying the face paint and doing up my golden locks.  Don’t whine.  Just let me hit the shower before you and it’s all good from there.  No, showering with me will not speed up the process though yes, that IS a lot of fun IF we have no where to be any time soon.
  • I love cats.  I WILL have cats and maybe a little Yorkie or Yorkie-Poo or Maltese.  Deal with it.  I am one bad relationship/heart break from owning 10 cats, so anything less than that just means I am stable and still love you.
  • I am fully aware of what will make my ass fat and cause the numbers on the scale to rise.  I am not trying to gain weight but when I feel like munching junk/comfort food, keep your unsolicited editorial comments to yourself.
  • I get PMS, sometimes worse than others, despite having had a hysterectomy.  Your best bet is to just stay out of my way.  Hug me…even if I am not huggable,  just do it.  Find me laying on the bed in the dark? Just wrap around me and I’ll calm down, it never lasts real long (12 hours?).  Ever seen the PMS episode of Everybody Love’s Raymond? WELL worth watching, she pales in comparison to my demon within, 2 parts below is the entire episode, consider it training…you’ve been warned:

Dear Future Husband ~ About Those Wedding Vows..

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Dear Future  Husband,

I haven’t found you yet, that I know of, but I continue to date and get to know men as I search for you.  You remain a mystery at this time, but one day fate will bring us together or reveal that  someone I already know is the one, and I will indeed marry again.  Likely we will just run off somewhere and get married, no big fan fare, there is simply no need.  We’ll celebrate with friends and family at a later date, something simple.  It isn’t about them, it will be about us.

I think that is the big mistake made so many times is making a huge ordeal out of the production, the wedding, and not enough focus on the commitment  being made.  Believe me that won’t happen to me again.  I still believe in fairy tales, that forever can happen.  When I got married before, I stuck to it.  Because when I give my word in something so serious I mean it.

  • For better, for worse – believe me, I’ve stuck it out through both. Who knew how bad worse could be, but it can be and it was, and I was still there.  It  will be no different for you, I will be there for the better and the worse.
  • For richer, for poorer – oh yes, while not rich we did well at times, and while no one starved believe me we knew what it felt like when the financial floor falls out from under you.  And I stayed there just as I vowed.  While I prefer that we be comfortable financially, should things go belly up in the bank tank, I will still be there beside you. (but don’t be stupid)
  • In good times and in bad – it is enough to say (we can discuss this in person) that I am familiar with some very good times, and some VERY bad times in my last marriage.  I never strayed, never gave up.  A vow is a vow.  Rest assured, we will have good times, you and I, and during the bad times, yes I will still be there.  No  I won’t sleep on the couch and neither will you.  We’ll figure it out.
  • In sickness and in health – Rest assured, I am no stranger sickness, VERY well known enemy, and again I stayed there, true to him, and never walked away.  May we grow old together in great health.  If not, never fear, I will be there  to take care of you until the end. It’s how I roll.  You will do the same for me, I know it  in my heart. (If you don’t I will haunt you from the other side. Count on that.  You will be very afraid)

If you should desire to have me as your wife (and face it, who doesn’t),  if you cannot say the words and mean them, and be prepared to stick it out till death do us part, then spare me and move on.  Marriage isn’t a game.  It is a covenant, a contract, between us, you don’t break a covenant.  Think hard, my beloved, because I will mean every single word.  Only I may wish to rewrite the standard wedding vows, in fact just ditch them completely…

I love this book series I read once, and I highly recommend any male that wants to spend his life with me read the first book of the series, Dark Prince by Christine Feehan.  I need a man with strength of character, personality, loyalty, etc, like Mikhail Dubrinsky, Prince of the Carpathians.  (NO it does not have pictures, but then you read the articles, not look at the pictures, right?) The future Mr. Marvi doesn’t have to match up physically, after all they ARE fictional (though anyone that happens to match the description of Mikhail will  not be turned away).  But I’ve encountered a few men that possess this kind of character, and I am certain you do too, or marrying you would be the furthest thing from my mind.  In fact we won’t get past the first few dates.  The Carpathian race cannot be unfaithful and cannot tolerate it in their mates.  What a concept!  They have a binding ritual of words, the equivalent to our marriage vows, which is deeper in my opinion.  I want a man that is comfy with saying and meaning:

You are my lifemate.
I claim you as my lifemate.
I belong to you.
I offer my life for you.
I give you my protection.
I give you my allegiance.
I give you my heart.
I give you my soul.
I give you my body.
I take into my keeping the same that is yours.
Your life will be cherished by me for all my time.
Your life will be placed above my own for all time.
You are my lifemate.
You are bound to me for all eternity.
You are always in my care.

Seriously outstanding and beautiful, don’t you agree? Of course you do, dear future one, because we wouldn’t even be discussing a life together if you were not the kind of man that could say and mean those sorts of things.  I am, after all, putting my future and life in your care, and more importantly my heart.  If you are not up the task I am not for you.  I won’t settle for anything less.

Dear Future Husband ~ Things You Should Know

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Dear Future Mr. Marvi Marti,

I thought it would be nice to get a few things out there on the table in advance of the big day when we will finally pledge our undying love to each other.  This way it is in writing and you cannot  later say you were unaware.  Take notes darling.

  • I have 3 tattoos, and there will be more.  This is not negotiable.  I like my ink and I like my future ink.  Flowers and candy are all very sweet, but flowers will wilt and die and candy makes my ass fat.  Ink on the other hand will last forever.  If you want to surprise me with something special, think ink.
  • I have a nose ring.  Just a little diamond.  No, I will not take it out.   Yes you will come to find it cute.  If  by chance you do not,  well  tough tiddly winks babe.  No I won’t be piercing anything else.  I did that at one time.  The twins don’t want rings and south of the border….well okay maybe that one again someday.  It’s my border, I’ll pierce it if  I so chose.  You feel free to pierce your junk too if that is what you chose.
  • Sometimes I put pink dye in my bangs.  Just a streak or two.  Just learn to deal with it.  It washes out the next morning.  Sometimes I just feel like having it there.  No, I am not too old to do that.
  • I have a job, two of them actually.  One is daycare, I watch kids.  Yes it IS good money and I enjoy it very much.  I’m not looking to be wealthy off of it, it pays my bills and enables me to be home to do laundry, dishes, cook, and clean.  It also enables me to have time to write.  I also sell Avon.  Make-up.  Vanity Crack.  I love this job too.  I do plan to make a ton of money doing it.  I watch the stories in the training materials, I know that there are women making 6 figures dealing eyeshadow and mascara.  I plan to be one of them.  It takes hard work and a lot of time.  I have nothing better to do while I am looking for you.   I won’t be giving up the Avon, accept it.
  • I blog..sometimes a lot.  I have several.  I love to write.  I will not stop blogging, so deal with it.  Think of it as my therapist, it is keeping the body count down and it doesn’t cost you anything.  Yes I am very open in my blog and from a security perspective that might be a risk.  Tough.  I have  my doubts that the Boogie Man is looking for me, or a stalker.  And that is why there is  something called concealed carry permit.  Enough said.
  • My faith is important to me. I will attend church and be involved.  Sometimes I don’t get up on Sunday and go, most of the time I do.  It is my choice. You will accept this.

Those are a few of the non-negotiable things you will want to be aware of before the big day. Well perhaps a compromise can be reached as to a few, like no pink hair when we visit your family.  But only a compromise.

Until next time, my love!

Marti