Monthly Archives: February 2012

What Does Facebook Say About Me?

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poke

The other morning our local morning news cast posted this question (on Facebook no less): Do you think your Facebook profile gives an indication of your career potential? Your IQ? Your true personality? Interesting thought, no?  I decided to have … Continue reading →

My Life Is One Big Slumper Party

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MY life is one big slumber party.  I just realized that laying in bed this morning debating getting up.  I really have a great, FUN life!

For years, while married, I was just a tiny bit envious at times of my baby sister.  I had a great life, good marriage, fantastic husband, great kids, nice house with a pool and hot tub, nice cars etc.  We weren’t rich but we certainly were comfortably blessed.  I had a great job, good medical insurance, and my husband could fix just about anything that broke or needed tweaking.  There was a very sweet contentment in my life. Don’t get me wrong, it was not perfect by any stretch but I honestly had little I could complain about.  At the top of the hill, when all was ‘good’ or so I thought, my sister had one thing I did not have….mom.  She and her two girls were living with my mom.

I think I can safely speak for all of my siblings when I say we are close to my mom.  For myself, I talked to her just about every day if not on the phone, via text.  I was raised by a mom that had a father who taught the value of family.  My gramps was the best in my opinion.  He taught all of us growing up that no matter what we lost in life, if we had our family we had everything.  I would learn that lesson many times over starting in my teens.  Family doesn’t have to agree with you, in fact they’ll often be the first to tell you what an idiot you are, but they still stand behind you and love you through support.  Or they should.  If they don’t, I honestly think you might want to trade them in for a new one.  Too bad you cannot do that!

Long ago it used to be quite the norm as the kids came along, grandma and grandpa were close by, if not living with one of their children, taking care of the little ones.  Families farmed, or held jobs ‘in town’.  There were no daycare centers and moms worked at home.  And it was work!  Everything was done by hand in the old days.  Grandma and grandpa helped out and families were much closer geographically as a means of survival.  Kids KNEW they grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.  Sure, many will make remarks now about “Oh, he is 53 and lives with his mother…” and I think, yeah? So???  Maybe it is necessary for both to have a comfortable life, or maybe he is a mama’s boy and a loser.  Whatever the story he is fortunate enough to still share life with his mom.  And that is how I viewed my sister.  She had a fantastic job, made great money, and she got to share life with my mom.  I know, it was not all coming up roses, the girls were teens and 4 females under one roof spells DRAMA anyway you slice it.

2 years ago I was spending every available moment over at my mom’s house with her, my sister and my nieces.  I was about a month into accepting that my husband wanted out off the marriage and the plan was for me to move out.  In hind sight there are a few things I would change about my divorce agreement…like since he was getting ALL the toys, the house, pool, hot tub etc, that he took ALL of the debt.  I had no way to see down the road that I’d end up laid off from another job and the other company would go under, and that finding work in this economy is damn near impossible.  My credit is shot to hell because I just cannot quite make ends meet at the moment, having lost 3 of the little ones I was babysitting because I don’t (and won’t) take vouchers.  It sucks.  But I’m hijacking my blog, back on topic.  The Divas had determined I was moving in with them, and the hunt had transpired for a house suited to all 5 of us.  Who knew the  second house we looked at was our dream house. It was one of those that, had I gotten bored and went a looked at houses while happily married, I would have wanted a reason to own it, it is such a cool house.  So, 2 years ago today we were all sitting around mom’s table on a Sunday afternoon just dreaming that all the pieces were going to fall into place and we’d get the house.  And we did!

Fast forward and welcome to our ongoing slumber party.

No one that heard what our plan was thought this had a chance of working out, but inside me somewhere I knew it would.  Maybe it was the one night 2 years ago when I left my mom’s to go home (I had to text them when I was in safely), and when I was crawling into my bed, the big one I had shared with hubby that I now slept in alone, I was sad and lonely until I received a text from my youngest niece.  It said, “Don’t lose your green card, we want you back!”.  It made me laugh and cry all at the same time.  I felt wanted at a time when I was feeling humiliated, rejected and worthless.

The past 2 years in this house (our 2 year anniversary of the official establishment of the Diva Den/Estrogen Central is 5/1/12)  has been FUN!  Really, most days we laugh a LOT.  Laughter is healing, trust me on this.  I noticed there is an over all JOY in this house.  My daughter loves coming over to visit because she laughs til her mascara is running down her cheeks.  Drama happens, but very, very rarely.  I’ve lost my temper, sure, 3 times.  Once with my sister, twice with my niece.  That tells me something when I know the number of times.  It may sound like a lot until you break it down, that in 630 days, give or take a few, I’ve lost my cool 3 times.   The two nieces are good for driving each other bonkers and some drama, but not often and usually not much at all.  Mostly, this house, this HOME, is filled with JOY.  We all love the house itself, it just is awesome.  And we all enjoy each other.

We stay up late some nights, like little girls at a sleep over, watching TV, talking and laughing.  We enjoy mornings on the weekends of extended coffee drinking with bed-head and jammies.  We support each other, hug each other, eat meals together, break into song and dance together, tease each other, and laugh together, a LOT.  We help each other, cry together over chick flick moments on TV, encourage or discourage each other as needed, and help each other out when money is tight.  A need was there that turned out to be the greatest of blessings.  When I was shattered emotionally and mentally at the end of the marriage, I was wrapped in the protective love of the women in my family.  I was able to heal with on site support.  We’re the true “girls next door” and we’re one big ole laughing, good time!

And the best part is that I get to live with my mom.  I’m not embarrassed to say it at all, I am about to turn 49 in 88 or so days, and I live with my mom.  And my sister and one of my nieces (one has since moved out on her own to be closer to school and work).  I get to tap into her wisdom, live, laugh and love with her, and enjoy moments that I’d have never had if my life and not taken the turn it did 2 years ago.  I’m not content, I AM HAPPY!

Here is a little treat, what happened in the middle of playing Farkle on Christmas night at the Diva Den. Featuring my sister, nieces, and my daughter.  It is pretty typical of the fun we have on a daily basis (mostly without the beer).  A song comes on and suddenly everyone has a spontaneous sing along. Though we don’t often need the song on the radio, we just kinda break into song because our life is like a very bizarre musical some days:

Meet Me On Monday

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It’s been several weeks since Java at Never Growing Old posted a set of Meet Me on Monday questions, but we’ve been missing it – so Acting Balanced decided to resurrect the idea and starting today she’ll be posting 5 questions on Sunday evening along with a linky for you to link up your post answers!

Here are today’s Questions:
1. Are you planning anything for Valentine’s Day?
2. What song automatically popped into your head when you saw this question?
3. What did you have for breakfast today?
4. Where do you keep your keys?
5. Who was your favorite teacher from when you were in school? 

Answer them on your blog and link up!

Acting Balanced

1.  Are you planning anything for Valentine’s Day?

That would be a huge NO!  I jokingly refer to it as ‘Single Awareness Day’ and think it is a nothing but a big scam by greeting card and candy companies. It is also a guilt driven reason to show some token of affection, which I wrote about last year in my post, My Favorite Valentine Tradition.  I don’t want, need or even appreciate anything on that day from anyone professing to love me.  Do it another day when the rest of the world isn’t, because you thought of me and wanted me to know you love me.  If you do it for Valentine’s Day, then I cannot help but believe that is the reason you did anything, out of fear of being a dolt and not because there is a true desire to show affection.

2.  What song automatically popped into your head when you saw this question?

Seriously, some dumb song I cannot even sing more than a line or two of because that is all I know, from a goofy animated, singing thing we found at Walgreen’s.  I was out shopping with my sister and I happened upon it.  I suggested my brother needed this at the firehouse to amuse himself and the other firefighters.  Here is a small video clip of the insanity that I took before we dropped it off to him at work yesterday.

3.  What did you have for breakfast today?

Nothing yet other than coffee.  It is only 7:08 and I rarely eat at this hour.  I need to be up a few hours before I can handle food.

4.  Where do you keep your keys?

I keep my keys in my car.  I park in the garage so I see no reason to take them out of the car or then I never seem to be able to locate them!

5.  Who was your favorite teacher from when you were in school?

Mr. Peter from English I and later Creative Writing when in high school.  He always challenged us and he and I would go head to head now and then.  I actually learned much about myself as a person thanks to him those two classes.

What I Seek In A Church

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I’m seeking a few things in a church that are musts.  Call me picky but I believe these are very important things.

Sinners – People who know that they are sinners, saved by grace, through nothing they did, it’s God’s gift, Christ’s work.  They are not holier than thou, looking down their nose with the “at least I never…” attitudes.  I am not seeking perfection in others, I’m seeking a body of believers that knows they fall short of the mark but know that because our Heavenly Father sees us through the blood of Christ, we are perfect.  Folks that don’t judge you, but grab you and give you a hand up back on the path, help brush you off, and wrap around you in love and support.

Bible – a church that teaches from it.  USES their bibles, applies the lessons right here where the rubber is meeting the road, but that the congregation members actually show up with their bible in hand and use it during services.  And that lessons are not based on a verse taken out of context but passages as a whole and some inductive study (associated passages) pulled together.  One verse sermons don’t cut it, I can prove Adam and Eve were blind if we are going to use a verse out of context (their eyes were opened blah blah blah).  I want to be with a congregation that can sit down, pull out their bibles and find those passages and discuss, apply, encourage and teach from God’s Word.  It’s fine to put it up on a screen for those that forgot, or don’t yet own a bible, but I don’t want to be where that is the only source of God’s Word being used by those listening is the words up on the screen and not in their laps.

Music – it can make or break worship.  I am all about music being joyful (make a joyful noise unto the Lord), rather than feeling I am sitting in a funeral.  Which, for my own way down the road, please make sure the music is upbeat! CELEBRATE my life don’t mourn it.  I love contemporary worship music, but I also love the hymns.  There is a lot of biblical truth in the hymns of old and they should not be forgotten but used each week along with more upbeat worship songs.

I have NO problem with a coffee bar or donut shop in the church building.  I love to see fellowship encouraged!  People actually sitting down talking and interacting with one another.  But I also want to see that the focus of that time together is a collective worship of the Lord, a time to be taught.

I don’t think I am asking too much.

This says it ALL as far as the music is concerned.

Understand…

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I really intended for 2012 to be the year I went back to church.  I boxed up all of my excuses at the end of 2011.  Here we are 6 Sundays passed and I have yet to attend.  I had planned to return to my old church and try it again, but then I didn’t.  I let another person’s judgmental attitude toward me become my excuse.

It isn’t that I do not wish to be in a body each Sunday and worship the Lord.  I know that I’m not there for me, I am there for the teaching, for the time of worship and for the fellowship with other believers.  But it is hard when people judge you.  Even if you did in fact do some not so godly things, in fact out and out sinful ones.

It did not help to be in the midst of my “crazy time” after the divorce.  I thought I was all healed up emotionally and mentally and ready to face the world and start over.  I could not have been more incorrect.  Echos of “you are a nut case, everyone thinks so” rattling through my head.  I was not and am not a nut case.  But yes I did act crazy, it is what the divorcing people do, especially those that do not want to be getting divorced.

I never wanted that divorce, I believe that anyone who calls themselves a believer cannot possibly justify a divorce anymore than they will be able to justify gay marriage.  Yet those that are believers have a tendency to only apply God’s Word as a menu to fit themselves.

I had to come to terms with the failed marriage and the many very sinful ways of life my ex and I led and going to church only made that harder when others there were looking down their noses and judging me for things I was doing now.  I don’t need anyone questioning my walk.  I’m a sinner, saved by God’s grace, but I am very much in need of my Savior.  I was before I was saved, I was before I walked off the path, I was as I was off the path and I am as a prodigal child trying to make my way back on that path.  Don’t expect sinners to act like something other than what we are, sinners.  But rather than being quick to judge, slip off those holier than thou  shoes and walk  a while in mine.  Come talk to me, know where I have been, see what I saw, hear what I heard, then perhaps you will understand and not be so fast to judge but instead walk out the love of Christ to me when I need it most.

Thankfully, my Lord and Savior doesn’t call the perfect, the ones in those holy shoes…He calls the ones  who are sick and dying in their sin to come to Him.  And out of a pit of hell and sin my hand was up and searching from the darkness to find my way back from the wilderness.

I don’t know how a believer can stumble so far down to where I was for years, but I know that I’m not there anymore.  And that when temptation dances past me to return it makes me sick to my stomach.  I know I cannot go back.  For now, I sit in the middle of the path and hope and pray to find a body of believers that can look past the outside and understand that I come back, a prodigal, that can offer much in the  way of ministering to others that fell from the path and rolled down the hill into the swamps of sin.

I do not know where that came from, I saw it on someone’s Facebook or Pinterest, but it expresses how I feel.

I’ll be in church this weekend, somewhere.  I haven’t  made a decision but I will go and keep going until I find the place I can call home.

Why Not YOU?

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We all need it, mad money.  That little bit of extra cash that allows us to buy lunch out at the office now and then, go out for a drink at happy hour, or to a matinee on the weekend.  Maybe you need it to take the kids to dinner or an  indoor water park on a snowy day.  Or maybe you need more than that, you need a part time income to supplement your family budget.  After all, many workers haven’t seen a raise in a few years and things are getting tighter by the day.  Maybe, like me, you lost your job when the economy tanked and need a full time income.

Why not try Avon?  Why NOT you, and why NOT today?

Save money on childcare by being HOME while you work to build your own business.  Set you own hours, be your own boss.

Alcohol, tobacco and cosmetics were the things during the depression that INCREASED in sales.  In every bad economy those things are on the rise.  We gals can live with being poor, but we’re going to look darn good doing it!  And when money is tight people change their spending habits.  Avon offers quality products in cosmetics, jewelry, fashion, every day, bath and body and more, that are top of the line.  They can do everything those expensive department store brands can for a considerable savings.  Don’t be mistaken, higher price does not mean better quality.  And with Avon, your customers have the convenience of shopping from their seat and not their feet.

You earn 20-50% commission based on your sales, so you can make as little or as much as you want.  Even if you just purchased your family’s needs (bath products, hair care, cosmetics, lotions/moisturizers) you’d have enough in sales to get quite a commission!  Our sales are always outstanding in the brochures, and as an independent sales  representative for Avon you would be getting those great sale items at an additional 20-50% savings!

$10-$20 to start, and that is ALL you need.  That small fee ($10 if you are local to me, $20 if you sign up online) gets you everything you need to launch your very own at-home business.  There is a wonderful amount of online training (free!) and you would be in my downline so you would get lots of help and training from me as well.  I use Skype to connect with my out of the area team members and for them to be able to attend the team meetings every 2 weeks!  With Avon you truly are in business for yourself, but not  by yourself.

I am always looking for ambitious men and women (some of our top sellers are men!) to join my team.  Why not you, why NOT today?

To join my team and start working for yourself, just go to START AVON and sign up with the code:  MARTIGARDNER

You will receive everything you need in 5-7 days to begin working for yourself.

Skeptical?  I’ve met those women making 6 figures in Avon.  Just check out Barb Avery, her and her husband got there in less than 2 years!  Watch her video on her site, “Our Story” for how they did it.  YOU can do this too!

Sign up today and join my team, I’d love to have YOU!

Dermatologist Recommends Avon Product On Dr. Oz

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Dr. Oz had on a dermatologist Thursday that recommended one of Avon’s products, Anew Clinical Advanced Retexturizing Peel for fighting wrinkles!  She said it is similar to what she uses in her office but obviously far more affordable through your Avon representative.

She most likely was unaware, since these shows are filmed in advance, of the new products we have now on the market, Anew Clinical Resurfacing Expert Smoothing Fluid!  The peel is once a week to twice a week, but the Resurfacing Fluid is a daily (evening and morning) product.

Nothing beats a dermatologist recommending the product, right?  I’ve linked the video so you can see it for yourself.  NOTE:  Anew Eye Genics is coming out in campaign 7, that will do amazing things for your eyes.  Also, our Anew Clinical Eye Lift Pro is an inexpensive alternative to a surgical eye lift and really works! I use it daily AM/PM along with the Genics Eye Cream.

Shop my online store for these products and more, and remember orders ship FREE if they are $30 or more!  Be sure to register your email address to receive sales notices and specials that are sometimes only available to our email subscribers!!!

Video Link To The Dr. Oz feature of Avon Clinical Advanced Retexturizing Peel

Here is a review by a makeup artist of this product as well!

Crazy Vindication!!!

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Yesterday I wrote some about a book I’m reading, Crazy Time – Surviving Divorce and Building A New Life.  It IS a fantastic book.  The book goes into the unspoken, marriage contract all people make, as to who will be the dominant and who will be the submissive in the relationship.  The problem comes when things deadlock and there is no seesaw of that dominance.  Seems most never realize that is the issue.

It is not to be mistaken for CONTROL.  I openly admit I was the more dominant person in my second marriage, most likely because my ex was used to a very strong mother so he was seeking, unconsciously, a strong woman in a wife.  Guess he got more than he bargained for, as he is a bit of a control freak.  But that is how he survived his mother, a familiar dance to him in life so I guess that is why he sought out me.  I was definitely more dominant but he held the control.  He controlled the money, insisted on a clean home with a place for everything and everything in its place.  His way was the ‘correct’ way to clean the bathroom, etc, regardless of the outcome being the same no matter what method was used to achieve it.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking this in that it worked for us.  Trust me, you could eat off our garage floor if that was your desire, the man was wicked awesome when it came to neat, clean and tidy.  But what did not work was the deadlock in our relationship over time with no give on EITHER side of the equation.  I am painted the bad guy, the cause of the divorce (never mind it takes 2 to make it work or fail), but I have big shoulders and the more I learn about me, the more I am more than willing to carry that blame.  I have strong shoulders and  not denying my part  in it all.

The great part about the book is it points out, there is no ‘blame’,  no assholes, no bitches.  Reality is it deadlocks and it is a rare couple that seems to adjust the dominance between them as needed.  As  couples grow and change the distribution of the dominance never changes and that is the issue when it all fails.  Neither side is able to adjust for the growth.  Especially the dominant partner, they don’t handle the other person changing on them very well.  And that would be me.  I did not handle the growth and changes in my husband at all.  Oh I wish I had known of this book when I got married, might have saved the relationship.

But that is not the topic I wanted to talk about today.  I want to talk about the MAIN focus of this book, the ‘crazy time’ both sides will go through after the marriage is over.  It starts at the the time of separation and typically, per countless therapists, lasts around 2 years.  Crazy time is just that, CRAZY!

Dominant folks like myself get very angry and are subject to bizarre behavior.  We are in complete denial that there was something wrong with the marriage and the divorce takes us completely by surprise.  The other party, the submissive, has been plotting and planning, building up strength for some time, to exit the marriage.   Often it is associated with an affair, called “the marriage breaking affair”.  The dominant may never know about the affair, but it is the betrayal that is the beginning of the split.  The cheater is building up their strength through an outside source, to pack it up and end the marriage. When they finally end the marriage, at the confrontation, the dominant person is caught off guard.  And believe me this is all a script for things with my marriage.  I did not see this coming at all.  The final two years were the best it had ever been in my opinion.  Far less fighting and tension.  Then again, the ‘submissive’ partner was taking on more and more hours at the firehouse and more landscaping accounts.  I now understand it was to be away from me so he could prepare to end things, and that is why it was quieter.  I cannot find fault in him for that, he had no idea how to adjust things either!  I had lost my job and the final 2 years I was unemployed.  I changed and he couldn’t handle the person I became as I mourned the loss of my job.  Losing a job, especially one you were at a long time (26yrs for me) is like a death.  You go through all the same stages of grief and I was busy doing just that.  As I was coming out of that 2 year crazy time, I got slapped with the divorce and got to go through the whole ‘death’ thing all over again.  It’s a wonder I didn’t act on the fantasies of running his ass over!

Being dominant means denial at first.  Then the anger sets in accompanied by bizarre behavior.   Some even carry it too far and that is when the dominant partner might go as far as to kill their ex.  Most never carry out their vivid fantasies of revenge, but seems some will.  However the feelings and frustrations, the desire to ruin the other party, is perfectly normal.  And the off the wall behavior, like lashing out irrationally in my blog, or getting totally plowed drunk with my son, was completely ordinary.  Submissives go through that strange behavior too, doing things they never really did before.  My ex played soccer all of a sudden with the girl I believe was the marriage breaking affair, if not physically at least on heart and mind level.  In 23 years together, 22 of those married, he had never expressed any desire to play soccer.  I wasn’t there to see it but I’ve heard he did his share of ‘crazy’ stuff too.  More power to him.  We were being ‘normal’.  He  didn’t care for my insanity and made that known and even told me others thought I was a nut case.  I laugh out loud now, because yes indeed, I was acting like a nut case!  A perfectly normal, ordinary response in our situation.  I feel vindicated!  And hey, I didn’t run him down, shoot him, stalk him or try to destroy him.  I stayed on the edge of the cliff.

I am just past 2 years from being told we were done.  May 1st marks the 2 year anniversary of my exiting the marital residence and our separation leading up to the divorce.  The divorce was final in August that year.  So, I am nearing the end of the typical 2 years it takes to work through the crazy time.  Over all I’ve done well, and gone through the stages of grief.  I knew I had arrived in a better place and was past it when I recently saw a photo of my ex and his new love, and I smiled!  I actually realized I was happy for him.  He didn’t have that Walter (Jeff Dunham puppet) scowl on his face, it was a genuine HAPPY smile!  At the same time I noticed I was feeling relief that I am NOT attached or in love.   The Count was the breaking of my own deadlock I was still carrying around for my marriage.  I feel gloriously independent, enjoying soaring in the sky and flying free.  It’s so exciting, exhilarating and scary all that  same time!

But more on all of that tomorrow.

If you are going through a divorce, or contemplating one, or just passed one…heck if you are about to get married, PLEASE read this book.  It has been so very helpful for me to realize I wasn’t losing my mind, I was sailing through very normal waters.

#37 ~ 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks

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Remote Wars

#37

Never having to fight over the TV remote.

No one comes in and says something rude like “OMG you aren’t really watching THIS are you?”

No one picks up the remote during your show, or favorite commercial and changes the channel.

No need to hide the remote or remove the batteries.

It’s all yours!

I could only find the photo, not the place to actually order this adorable, universal remote. But I want one!