Monthly Archives: May 2011

I Won’t Be Quitting My Day Job

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I did not win the lottery over the weekend, but that is not why I won’t be quitting my day job.

I won’t be quitting  because it is what I LOVE.  I knew again, for certain, that this is what I want to be doing when I woke up this morning and smiled because I was going to spend my day with Mr. Man, Miss Thang and later Princess Smiles A Lot. Never mind that our central air is out, and we are surviving with fans.  I can live with that, we never had central air when I was growing up and so honestly this is really not that big a deal.  I  couldn’t wait to get moving and wait for them to arrive.

In the midst of dirty diapers, sippy cups, mangled peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, there are countless hugs, smiles and giggles.  Moments of discovery with something new and tasty to eat, singing along with favorite kiddie shows, and sleeping angels at nap time.   Miss Marti enjoys what she is doing.

I am able to read, or write blog posts.  I am working my Avon business, slowly but steadily.  I build with giant Lego blocks, color, draw on the driveway with sidewalk chalk, blow bubbles and wipe noses, dance and laugh with a toddler, and when I am sleepy I can take a nap when the little ones take theirs.  In the summer I’ll work with the Princess to keep her reading, writing and math skills sharp, and I will take the kids to swim at my brother’s, which means while playing I’ll be working on my free tan.

When in my house I clean, do dishes, change out the litter box, do the household laundry, and at the end of the day I am tired when I crawl into my bed, but I feel very accomplished!

I am looking forward to the newborn I will take on at the end of the summer as well.

This is, without a doubt, the best and my most favorite line of employment that I have ever had!  :)

Bottle Of Wine

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I have no clue who wrote it, but smiled when I read it. I am quite certain many men feel the same way if the story was reversed.


~*~ ~*~ ~*~

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren’t married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old Woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

‘What in bag?’ asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said,
‘It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.’

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

‘Good trade.’

I Miss You…

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….Or maybe not?

Yesterday on the ride and over lunch, Mr. Wonderful and I talked a lot about our past relationships.  He asked me a question, one of those deeper ones, about my ex-husband.  He asked me, aside from things like living in that house, being with my kids, on a personal level, what did I miss about Pete.  Not something that someone else could do (a body to sleep next too, hugs etc), but what specifically about Pete himself did I miss now that he is gone.  I had to think about it long and hard….and still came up with nothing.  Nothing at all.  My mom and I talked about it later, and she asked if I had been happy when I  was married.  I  thought I was, though now I suppose it was just contentment of sorts.

After drawing a blank, Stan asked me what I thought Pete missed about me.  Again…nothing.  I really don’t think there is anything personal and specific to me that he misses at all.

I find this rather sad really, that I cannot come up with one single thing that I miss about the man.  I can tell you several things I miss about others in my life.  If he would have asked what I miss about the last guy I dated most recently, I could have given several things about him I miss even though it was a short lived relationship. Had he asked what I missed when he (Stan) and I parted company before reformatting our relationship into a friendship, I could have given several things as well.  But not a single thing about the man I was married to, slept next too, raised children with and loved for 23 years.

I fell asleep contemplating it and still, this morning, and now this afternoon, I draw a complete blank.

A 22 year marriage ended 16 months ago, and I miss….nothing.

BIG Savings!!!!

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Now is a great time to check out AVON!  BIG sales in the current brochure and you can order and ship direct to you through my online store.  Use the coupon code: MDAY2011 to get FREE shipping on orders of $10 or more, but that shipping special is ONLY VALID UNTIL MIDNIGHT MAY 30TH so don’t delay!!  Here are just a few of the specials, more can be found in the eBrochure on my site,!!! Click the icon:

The Long And Winding Road….

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My butt is sore…and my legs.  Easy now, minds out of the gutter…it is from riding all day.  I tried to calculate it up and we likely were close to 300 miles before it was said and done.

The scenic route, being back roads and state routes, from my house in Cincinnati to Metamora, Indiana.

We stopped there for a while and walked around town, had coffee at The Smelly Gourmet Coffee Bar there, and sat and watched the trains (I was so in my glory).

Then we rode west for a long while and circled back around and went into Shelbyville.  We found a cute little hole in the wall Mexican place and had dinner.

We passed through Greensburg where the tornado touched down and saw some of the damage from that event while gasing up the bike for the 3rd time today.

Then we headed back home.  It was a fantastic day to ride, and this time no tears.  Just a lot of laughter and talking, sometimes deep and full of thought, sometimes just goofy stuff.

Thanks again, Mr. Wonderful, for another fantastic day of riding, great conversation and your friendship.  You make my world a brighter place!

Oh Yes, I Did!

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I receive all kinds of interesting spam email advertising everything under the sun, and a few of those scam ones with some foreign royalty that needs me to help them get some big bucks processed.  I had made the mistake one night of signing up for a free online dating service, totally free.  BIG mistake.  However the humor value associated was high, my sister signed up too and we spent and evening sipping wine and laughing so hard at the profiles and photos by the time we were finished we’d cried our makeup off from laughing to tears!

So, when I kept getting ads for eHarmony, I blew it off.  I actually know people that were turned down after taking their extensive ‘test’ required for matching you to compatible individuals.  It also isn’t exactly inexpensive.  I mentioned it on Facebook last week that I was considering it, “To eHarmony or not to eHarmony”  I posted, and many friends had something to say about it, as well as a few other sites (Match.com and True.com).   Well, I  admit it, I caved.  I took their lengthy test and 3 cups of coffee later I was accepted.  I payed out some cash and joined, what the heck, nothing to lose right? Well okay, the pricey fee but other than that?

It is a world of difference from the free sites and some of the pay sites for 2 reasons.  1)  No doubt because you have to fill out the test.  I recognize it as some sort of  psychological thing, checking to see how you answer things multiple times in multiple ways, as well as gauging who you really are and then they use that along with your interests, must haves etc. to match you up to likely compatible individuals.  I did research them and supposedly they really do a pretty good job.  Seeing how I was not exactly scoring high on my own at finding men that I am a good fit with, that happen to have the same goal in mind as I do (finding a life partner I can coexist with HAPPILY) what could it hurt?

I admit to being skeptical about these things, highly so.  However so far I have been pleasantly surprised.  The 2nd reason it is so different from other sites is that you can’t go searching on there, they do the matching and you receive your potential matches daily.  Once you are matched then you have the option of communicating with those individuals eHarmony feels are good prospects.   That eliminates creepy types from perving over your profile and contacting you pretending to be all you are looking for, which likely eliminates a good portion of freaks.  And the goal of the site is long term relationships, not hook-ups for sex.   I can find those on my own if that is the goal, the line is rather long (and will continue to be as that is not my goal).  I am very pleased with the potentials they’ve matched me with, VERY pleased.

My goal is to find a man that accepts me for who and what I am,  all my perfect imperfections, and isn’t looking to change or mold me.  I have a lot to give the right person.  No rushing, this time if someone tells me what a perfect fit we are or that they are falling for me the 3rd time we are together, I swear I’m outta there.  Not letting my heart get sucked into that line again,  the armor is staying on a long time, heart locked down tight.  I am having issues believing anything I’m told by men anymore, it just never pans out.  I want to believe it when it is said next time because it is true, and not because they are saying what they think I want to hear.  My heart cannot take much more breaking.

So begins my adventures in online dating. ..

WHY? WHY? WHY?

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If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

There is no ‘if’ about it, life is short.  It seems like just yesterday I was changing my son’s diaper, newly divorced and in the role of single mother.  Today he pushing is 27 years old, carries a gun and puts his life on the line as a cop.  I swear I blinked and went from protecting him to him protecting others.

So why DO we do so many things  we don’t like, and like so many things we don’t do? In a word: FEAR.

Many times I stayed employed in a job that I did not like because it was stable,  the pay was good, and I had medical insurance.  There were countless benefits that were unseen too, like free parking, location etc.  I transitioned through many positions within the 26 years at the company, some I really liked, others I  didn’t care for at all, and some I was simply content.  I feared leaving because there were too many ‘what ifs’ associated with leaving and trying something new.   It wasn’t until I was let go during a down sizing that I was forced to look for something new.  And the next two positions were similar in nature,  still stuck in a rut of doing what I knew I could rather than going after something that I thought I wanted to do but was unsure.  There was also much negative feedback associated with my occasional mentions of what I wanted to try doing.

After the next two jobs bit the dust, one was a seasonal lay off, the other the company just went under and I bailed when I saw the writing on the wall, I was forced to make some choices about my employment.  I was brain storming with my mom one Saturday morning, before the rest of the Divas were up and about, and I brought up childcare.  I really do love kids!  I am not really a domestic type, never got the joy of being the stay at home mom I had dreamed of, but I still  knew enough to know that watching children can be profitable, very profitable.  And then there is also Avon, something I very much wanted to sell.  I had taken a stab at it when my kids were little, and did it all wrong.  Now the corporation provides so much in the line of training that it is hard not to succeed.

Being home during the day watching children gives me a lot of opportunity to write, read, work the Avon business, and do something I very much enjoy, being a stay at home ‘mom’ of sorts.  I enjoy taking care of the kids a lot!  And I can pitch in around the house more, cleaning, doing dishes, and tackling Mt. Washmore, the Diva’s ever growing laundry pile.  It did take some initial adjustment, which worked well in the beginning as I only had the kids two days a week, then three, then four and now all five weekdays.  I eased into this and now I have a solid routine down.  It really works out well.

Avon allows me to do sales, something I have always wanted to try my hand at but never thought I had what it took.  And the product line is something I very much believe in.  I try the items that I recommend, and only recommend them if I really do like them.  I even started another blog page, I Sell Lipstick – Chronicles of an Avon Lady to not only share my adventures in this business but to review and give away products as I try them myself.

I also do some side work when needed for a friend that has  an insurance business, to keep the office skills up to date.

I still do not have medical insurance, but I am working with the agent friend to get a major medical policy in place and dental.  First I had bills that needed catching up from being without a paycheck.

Which brings me to another reason we tend to do things we don’t like, and avoid doing things we do like: other people’s opinions.

It is easy to become discouraged when others close to us have issues with what it is we are doing or want to do.  We write our dream off as a bad idea and stay where we are not happy.  For me, it was a deal breaker in a relationship with a guy that I really saw so much potential with for a possible life partner.  I wasn’t getting a ‘regular paycheck’ from anyone.  I think it had a lot to do with my not being ‘kept’ by that one, never mind that I get paid weekly, quite regularly and the same amount each time.  But that was an eye opener to me.

I’ve been employed in positions where I hated getting up and going to work each day.  I was moody, unhappy and most unpleasant to be around.  So many wasted years getting up and doing something I did not at all care for when I could have been doing something I really enjoyed.  I don’t care what you do for a living, as long as you pay your bills and you ENJOY what you do!  You cannot get back the time that is wasted in a very unhappy career.  No, not going to change what I do to make someone else feel happy and secure with me.  I love what I do, I am singing in the shower, humming and singing while putting on my make-up for the day, I enjoy being a daycare provider!  I enjoy cleaning the house and doing the laundry (dear gawd did I just really say that?? THE UNDOMESTIC GODDESS LIKES BEING DOMESTIC???).  I love selling Avon and plan to make that one helluva living too!  I don’t care what you do, be it a teacher, cop, firefighter, sanitation worker, stable cleaner, auto mechanic…if you enjoy what you do, if you are happy getting up and going to work each day, and we hit it off, then I accept you as you are, package deal.  If we don’t hit it off, I will cheer  you on in what you love, because life is entirely TOO short not to do what makes you happy!

I am now doing what I enjoy, and ever so thankful I finally took the risk and went for it!

What Are Your Favorite Simple Pleasures?

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What Are Your Favorite Simple Pleasures?

By no means will this be an exhaustive list, but I will hit on those that come to mind over the next few moments:

Walking…it is my favorite form of exercise and one of the best ways I burn off stress and think through things.  Sometimes I listen to the radio via my Droid, other times just walk in silence and pray.  I pick different locations depending on my mood, sometimes just looping my own street, or through the neighborhood, other times in a local park where I can watch the traffic on the river or trains coming along the tracks on the other side of the park.

Train crossings…it is in my genes to love trains.  My grandfather was an engineer, driving the old  steam locomotives and on to more modern trains as they came along.  I love seeing the lights start to flash and the gates coming down,  especially when I am the first car at the crossing.  Dead of winter, or extreme heat of summer, I turn down the radio, open the windows and just absorb the sound and feeling of the engine rolling by and then the rhythm of the cars ‘clacking’ along the tracks.  If I am close by the tracks and not in my car I will stand as close as I safely dare to the tracks and close my eyes,  I love the rumble of the ground as the sheer power of the engine is felt rushing by.  The crossing lights are like a warning to me, it is time to stop, wait.  Life can dish out so much sometimes and we forget to just stop for a moment and breathe.  I take those times at crossings to be a sign and reminder to me, it is time to just stop, feel the power of life, relish the moments here and now, wait on the Lord, and just relax.  Many see it as a waste of time, I see it as precious moments to just FEEL.

Rocking a child…I love  my job, there is nothing like taking care of kids.  I just adore the ones I’m watching now, and look forward to the newborn I will start caring for in late August.  There is something about holding a child and rocking them that is just as soothing to me as to the little one I’m rocking. Singing softly or in peaceful silence, watching their little eyes get heavy as they fall asleep in your arms, snuggled up against you.  I really look forward to the day when I will have grandchildren!

Listening to music…just laying across my bed  with a favorite CD playing, or a play list of favorite tunes, even better if curled up with someone special.  Music is therapy.

A long ride on a motorcycle…I’ve already talked about that over the past few days.  The wind in my hair and against my face, the sunshine on my skin.  Every care and all the stress seems to just peel away a layer at a time and blow away in the wind.  I don’t care to learn to drive, I prefer to be wrapped around some strong shoulders as the miles drift away.

A cold beer on a hot day…The colder the better.  I grew up in a good old German Catholic family.  Beer is a staple.  In fact it probably qualifies as a major food group! I grew up on Hudepohl 14K as a kid, my parent’s beer of choice.  Now I tend to lean toward the ‘diet’ beers like Bud Select 55.

A good glass of wine…I am no expert when it comes to wine, I just like it or I don’t.  One of the things the Divas here do is on Saturdays we buy a different wine to try, usually based on the name.  We discovered some hilarious ones one day in the wine section of our grocery store and since then warm Saturday nights are spent sitting on the deck sipping our new found treasure.  Some were duds, but many became Diva Den favorites.

Having my hands massaged…I have had arthritis in my hands, back and neck since my mid 20′s.  It came along as a partner to Ulcerative Colitis (which thankfully stays in remission for the most part for me, too bad the arthritis doesn’t).  My hands and neck are the worst without a doubt.  I love having someone rub lotion all over my hands and massage them from wrist to finger tips and back.  It is beyond description how good this feels for me, and it is probably the rarest treat I’ve ever received.

Having my head rubbed…My ex used to wake me up gently that way sometimes, rubbing my head.  It is shear heaven.  Recently, one of my favorite things was to curl up on the love seat against a friend’s chest while he rubbed my head and I fell asleep there.  It is so relaxing and soothing and to me a very special treat!

Giving a back scratch or foot rub…Yes, I actually enjoy scratching someone’s back (male), and it is a lengthy thing not a quick scratch of some itch.  I could spend a good deal of time at it.  I  also enjoy giving someone a foot rub with peppermint lotion.  I guess you could add putting someone’s head in my lap and rubbing, scratching gently.  I enjoy showing this type of affection to someone special when I have the opportunity.

Making out…yep, even at 48 I love kissing!  I could do that for  hours.  To me it is awesome.

Snuggling…yeah that too, I love curling up with someone special and talking, watching TV, on a blanket under the stars…not even necessary to talk, sometimes just the sound of their heart beating and hearing them breathe is a simple pleasure.

Those are just a few of the simple pleasures in life that just rock my world.

The Diaper Diaries – #2

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Being the queen of procrastination (I have the t-shirt, hoodie, coffee cup and assorted key chains to prove it) I put off going to get my license plates and drivers license renewed.  I COULD have gone Saturday morning, but wasn’t sure if I’d be ready in time for the ride to Madison, so I waited.  High hopes fizzled out that someone in the Diva Den would be around to cover for me with the wee ones while I ran out, so I had no choice but to take them.  That or get slapped with $40 in late fines when I got there. I had to give up my vanity plates, just too expensive at the moment, but I will have them again one day.  Other things get the priority of  cash flow for now.

2 year olds have minds of their own and horribly short attention spans.  Unless of course you look like Mickey Mouse and sing and dance.  None of that applies to me.  I scare the dead back to life when I sing, and when I dance some well meaning soul dials 911 thinking I’m having a seizure.  So, taking a 2 year old and 9 month old to the BMV could have been a real adventure of sorts.  Turns out it wasn’t so bad after all.  Both were exceptional, which prompted me to go on to the credit union as well.  Naturally when I got back home the mail had come and I have  yet another check to deposit in my account from Avon (who says you cannot make money selling lipstick?).  Guess I will make that little trip tomorrow.

My morning was productive in addition to the running.  3 loads of laundry and Mt. Washmore is back under control, the kitchen is cleaned up, the kitchen table has been cleared off of the ever growing pile of mail, newspapers, odds and ends, the 7yo safely at school, the litter box cleaned, the toddler and baby both fed breakfast and lunch, and now are napping.  I’ve made more trips up and down steps and over baby gates (the new leg lifts) and finally got to sit down and write for a bit.

I am still amazed that I can make the same amount of money doing childcare as I did  managing an office,  and all while  holding down the home front.  This is just so rocking my world!  :)

What Is Your Favorite Quote? Why?

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“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
~ Marilyn Monroe

THAT right there is one of my all time favorite quotes.  Joe, one of my devoted readers and president of my blog fan club, says that many of my posts are primers for anyone that dares to love me.  That quote should be plastered all over their brain and heart too, regarding me, it sums things up pretty nicely.

I’m selfish….

Indeed, very much so.  What’s mine is mine and I am very protective over it.  I don’t want to share the man in  my life with anyone, at least as far as intimacy goes.  I tried that, it was not for me.  Those moments alone, making love, should be reserved for  just the two and no one else. Once you have shared that what is left that belongs to just you and your mate? What is sacred, special, priceless? Nothing!  I am also just a bit selfish when it comes to time spent.  I expect it….demand it.  Doesn’t have to be endless hours or at my beck and call, but I want quality time with the man that is mine.

I’m impatient….

I don’t like to wait for what I want.  When I find it, I want it now.  I’ve been forced to be more patient in my last, brief relationship than I would have imagined possible.  And I did pretty well if I do say so myself though it got me absolutely no where, nothing for the effort.   Life is short and I want to grab the gold ring and run with it,  patience was lost on this girl.

A little insecure….

OH hell yes, that would be me.  I’m horribly self conscious, never feel like I measure up.  When someone loves me I need reassurance and often.  Why? Because you can only be told that you are:

wonderful
amazing
have a heart of gold
kind
gentle
a total package
sexy
smokin hot
low maintenance/high return
perfect fit
etc. etc. etc….so many times, yet always be left by the men that say it, before you just don’t buy that bullshit they are selling anymore.  If I really am all of those things, then why the hell would anyone leave it behind?

I make mistakes….

Oh where to start? My life is full of them and I’ve learned lessons from every one.  My intentions 99%  of the time are good, but I still mess things up.  Obviously that is the case, as I keep messing things up all along the way with every relationship I’ve ever been in.  It must be me, because I always get  left behind.  Even the most recent, I simply, as he put it, beat him to the punch.  I have no idea what I did wrong, but I screwed something up somehow.

I’m out of control and at times hard to handle….

Yep, there are times when I am out of control.  I have a few beers and get a little crazy.  I get a wild idea in my head and cannot shake it.  I am very free spirited and tend to not think before I act.  I go off half cocked at times when I’m upset.  It’s the same intense passion that drives the good in me, driving the less than stellar qualities. I’m stubborn as the day is long, goes with being a Taurus.  I will not budge once I dig in my heals until you can prove to me that I’m wrong, and even then good luck.

But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best….

My best is pretty damn awesome and wonderful.  Amazing even.  My soft side that I rarely expose is a treasure from what I have been told.  But that is part of the whole.  The greater part of the complete package, but there is the worst parts of me.   And if you want my best you have to be willing to accept my worst.  It doesn’t rear it’s head often but it is there.  And anyone that cannot handle that part of me, doesn’t come close to deserving the best parts of me.  A friend told me that is why no one has lasted yet, because so far none have been worthy to have me.  I like that.  I don’t buy it but I like it.  :)

And that brings up the second favorite quote, as I go on looking for my soul mate, the man who can handle and love me at my worst and my best, and walk through this life as my partner:

“This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you’re going to mess up sometimes, it’s a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you’re going to mess it up.  Girls will be your friends – they’ll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything – they’re your true best friends.  Don’t let go of them.  Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world.  As for lovers, well, they’ll come and go too.  And babe, I hate to say it, most of them – actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can’t give up because if you give up, you’ll never find your soul mate. You’ll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything.  Just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail at everything.  Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.”
~ Marilyn Monroe

What Life Taught Me Yesterday….

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I think we learn new things every day, at least I feel I do.  Sometimes the lessons are impacting and take our breath away, other days they are small and seemingly insignificant.  Either way, even when we do not take time at the end of the day to reflect upon them, there were lessons learned from the time our eyes opened.

Yesterday I learned….

It is possible to forgive someone you love, and start over from square one.  You can put it all behind you and renew a friendship.  That sometimes that person, while they are not someone you can have as a partner, can be one of the very best friends you will ever know and care about, and they will be there to help you pick up the pieces of  your broken heart and help you see that sometimes what seems so perfect was really not the best thing for you.

That when you cry on the back of a motorcycle, your tears dry faster as they blow away in the wind, and seem to take your pain along with them. And that sometimes, all it takes is a tiny gesture of caring, like someone reaching back and wrapping an arm around your leg and giving it a squeeze, to break the damn and let the tears come and the pain flow out and away on the wind.

That burgers, fries and cold beer in a little sports bar, can be some of the best comfort food ever tasted when shared with a good friend.  And that the people that really care about you don’t push you away, they pull you closer, and find a way to fit you into their life.

While a good counselor can be a benefit, sometimes the best therapy is just talking it out with someone that has nothing to gain or lose from your choices in life, but just wants what is best for you and your happiness, they will ask the tough questions, and they will do it all for free, expecting nothing in return.

That sometimes, if we take just a moment longer to really look at something, there might be a lesson we’d otherwise miss.  We parked the bike on a side street by city hall in Madison, and next door was this building.  It had been all but destroyed by fire, and at first it made me really sad.  I stopped and really lo0ked at it and then took a picture, feeling like there was something more I was supposed to be seeing.

In studying the picture closer today, it caught my attention that while the insides where burned and gutted, the outer shell of the building, the four walls that had supported the structure, were still there.  The unique character and basic architecture was still there, just a bit scared from the flames.  Inside were supports that were holding up those four walls, as obviously they plan to rebuild (click the photo to enlarge for a better view).  It hit me that a year ago, my life was much like that building.  Everything inside of me was seemingly destroyed and shattered, and that from outside looking in I was a real mess both mentally and emotionally, and it was out there via my posts  for everyone to see the ugly remains.  I  had locked up what was left of my heart to keep everything and everyone on the outside.  Unseen at first to some, supports were holding me up in the form of family, a few friends that stuck with me, even though I probably seemed like a lost cause.  Through faith and determination I pulled myself together, while leaning on that support as needed, and rebuilt the floor plan of my life.  I  could not make it what it was before, that is all gone.  But the foundation of who I am was still there, now completely uncovered and strong as ever, and I’ve slowly reconstructed my life.  In the rubble  I discovered so many parts of me that had been lost in the past.  What rose from the ashes is far better and stronger than what had stood before.  There will be changes made as life rolls along, we’re all a work in progress.  But the bad stuff has burned away now and been replaced, I’m new and have a fresh start.

Life changes, sometimes fast, sometimes slow.  Some things are minor, and some are major, impacting us to our core.  We cannot get back the past, but we can build a wonderful present, and plan and dream for a better future.

I Got Nothing….

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Okay so yes, I DO have stuff to write about, but at the moment I am busy working on it so it isn’t ready.  Surely if you know me you know better than to think I’d be silent.

Why Why Why?  – question seen on someone’s Facebook.

Better question for the one that asked it:

Why NOT?   :)

While you wait for my next post of marvi-ness, stop by Cinful Cinnamon’s page and link up for Tiki Hut Sunday.  No rules, just a relaxing blog hop and virtual drink at the bar….

Thanks Mr. Wonderful

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200 miles later, after spending my day wrapped around my driver and friend, I’m exhausted, sore, dirty (gotta love when you wipe off your face and there is dirt you didn’t ‘see’ from the road all day), and while my heart is still hurting I feel much better.  He never got to dry my tears because I never let him see them (I rarely let anyone see me cry), he thought it was the wind making my eyes water  and didn’t realize I was crying as we cruised down Rt 56.  I shed my sorrow and pain into the wind and just relished the time with someone I could pour my heart out too over burgers and a pitcher of beer, in a cute little river town that reminds me of Mayberry, that I could share everything that just happened in the past 6 weeks, my love, my confusion and my heart break, and he didn’t judge me, just cared about me and that I’m hurting, and hugged me a lot. When I ask what is wrong with me, why doesn’t anyone keep me, he doesn’t have  an answer, because he’d keep me if he could.

We cannot be lovers, but we can be friends.  Kindred spirits walking through this world  that sometimes just need someone that understands them.  Someone that takes time to see inside the heart and soul, and doesn’t want to crush your spirit but wants to set it free and cheer you while you soar.  That kisses the boo boos life doles out and helps apply the band-aids to the wounds in your heart.

Thanks, Mr. Wonderful, for just being my friend today, getting me out and away from everything, making me laugh, holding my hand, hugging me when I needed it and kissing my boo boos.  You are truly wonderful.  :)

Kindred Spirits & Road Therapy…

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One of the best ways I have ever found to clear out the head and heart is to get on the back of a motorcycle, wrap around some strong shoulders, and let the wind blow through my hair, feel the sun on my skin.  I always enjoyed riding with my ex, one of the few men I trusted on a bike.  We didn’t have to say a word to each other, just enjoyed conquering the miles.  I missed that time when we divorced, a lot.

Last year toward the end of summer I reconnected with an old friend.  Probably should use the term friend loosely, as the first time we met he mostly drifted across my path but I kept him at arm’s length.  I had felt a very strange pull toward him that I couldn’t explain but being married I knew that whatever it was had to stay untouched.  After the divorce I got in touch with him after seeing someone pass me on a bike that reminded me a lot of the one I dubbed Mr. Wonderful.

We took several long rides, no destination we just got on the bike and rode til whatever was eating at either of us was out of our system.  Sometimes we talked at length, other times rode in silence just enjoying being together and rolling.  Feelings developed but in hind sight I have a greater understanding of the love between us.

Like me, he is one of those transitional people, an encourager/healer type.  Meant to  drift in, bandage the wounded, help them heal, then drift out of their lives, leaving a part of his heart.  His scars also go clear back to childhood, and his outer shell is thicker than my own, but then he is several years older than me so he has fought a few more battles.

I think the fact that we are kindred spirits in this world is what drew us together.  The encouragers and healers of the world don’t have anyone here to do for us what we do for others.  But we can draw from each others strength, shore up each others foundations when they start to crack and dry each others tears.  Lord knows  I dried many of his during that time, though he never did mine.  I didn’t cry.  I couldn’t cry.  Nothing was getting deep enough, my heart was well shielded behind some thick armor to block out all pain and anything or anyone that even looked like they might bring more hurt.  We crossed lines we shouldn’t have, but I have zero regrets.  I have never connected with anyone the way I did with him.  He is the first person that ever took the time to look into my eyes clear to my soul.  He saw things in me no one else ever has, and he understood them.  He didn’t try to change me, just studied who I was and learned all he could about the person inside that no one else ever took the time to know.  He knows me darkest fears, my greatest joys, things even the man I was married too for 22 years never took time to know.  He was the first person to notice that my eyes change colors, from their normal shade of grey to deep blue depending on my mood, or what I am feeling at the moment. Maybe because he was the first person to ever really look in my eyes, and he always made me look back into his when we talked, he wanted to see inside.

We can never have a lovers type relationship, never live together, or grow old together.  Fate again, the bitch, doesn’t allow the timing that would put us together that way.  But out of those months a friendship and understanding has forged.  One that allows either of us to call the other when the world is falling apart around us and we just need someone to hold us, rub our head, dry our tears, and listen to us vent or sometimes just hold each other in total silence.  He listened to me pour my heart out the other day, my anger, my frustrations, and my heart break from falling in love again only to have my heart shredded all over as yet again I was the transitional girl.  This time I have cried, a lot.  I hadn’t cried in over a year, but I got careless and let down my guard and someone got through the armor and I’m hurting.  A pain I had not felt in so long I forgot to watch out for it.   And he seemed to know exactly what I need to push through the pain toward healing.

He is coming to get me, and treat me with some road therapy.  Today we have a destination, and we’ll log over 180 miles on the bike before we finish.  We’ll ride the back roads to Madison, Indiana, and spend the day laughing, sharing, talking,  and for the first time he’ll be the one holding me while I cry, and drying my tears.  And when he drops me off tonight at home, the hurt will be there still, but I’ll feel better, wrapped in the healing love of a very special friendship that I’ll be eternally thankful to have.

Featured Friend Friday – For The Love Of Fathers

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Featured Friend

Friday


Welcome to Featured Friend Friday!

The following blog was submitted anonymously.  Well okay, I know the author, but you do not.  However what she wrote about hit me hard, it needs to be read and shared.  I hope  folks walk away with the idea that there are two sides to every story, especially divorces, and never be too quick to judge based on one side of the story, coming from an emotionally charged up ex or soon to be ex spouse.   Remember that their words are biased and should be taken with a grain of salt.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~


With Father’s Day coming up soon, I have been thinking about the fathers I have known in my life.  My own dad, my brother, the father of my child and many friends.   Some married for many years, some co-parenting with the mothers of their children.  I can honestly say most are good or great fathers.  I don’t think I have ever known someone who fit the definition of a “deadbeat” dad.  I hear many people say women who are divorced with children are “single moms.”  The most common description of a single mom is a woman who has been left by the father of her child to raise their child(ren) alone.  That definition evokes much sympathy and compassion towards the woman who chooses to tell people that she is a single mom.  So those women who choose to use this term to garner sympathy when there is an active, willing and supportive father in the picture are disrecptful to other divorced mothers and fathers who are alone in raising their child(ren).

I know one such father who is co-parenting with the mother of his children.  From the beginning of the end of their relationship, he has insisted on shared parenting (or having his children 50% of the time).  He has never faltered on this request and continues to fight for shared parenting.  He has provided financial support beyond what was ever required or would have been ordered by any court.  His children are in his thoughts from his first waking breath in the morning to the last moment before he sleeps at night.  Raising their children has not been easy for either one, but so many things have been said in social circles about him being a father that does nothing for his children.  I can say with confidence that this father does not deserve the things being said about him.  He has spent hours helping his son keep his car running, sacrificing his hands and body all the time.  He has shed tears and spent countless time worrying about his daughter’s happiness.  He sits at the table and helps with homework, flashcards and reading.  He has dropped what he is doing  to pick one of them up when they need a ride.  He worries about what his children eat and drink and insists on dinner around the table each night.  Not fast food, not dinner on the run, not eating in the kitchen, but sitting his family down together for conversation and bonding.  He wants to help them pursue their interests and guide them even when they don’t want to be guided.  His love for his children can be seen in his face when he speaks about them.  His proudest moments are when they achieve or excel in one of their goals.  They are happy and safe when they are with him.

Now here is when you are expecting me to say this father deserves a gold star or some special recognition.  No.  He is simply doing what a father should do.  What I am saying is that anyone who spreads gossip or untruths about this man should stop.  You have no right to judge what you don’t know.   You do not live his life or spend any time with him and his children when they are together.  You have never asked his side of the story (yes, there are two sides to every story).  He is a good father and provider and anyone who says anything contrary is simply lying.

I feel lucky to have so many great dads in my life.

Happy Father’s Day to the dad’s out there.

I’m A Pretty Pink Hippo, Watch Me Fly!!!

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It is finally Friday, and I am in one of those moods where things just need to come out so brace yourself.  Yes, my dear #1 fan, Joe, this is  going to be classic Marvi Marti.  I appreciate that you have missed my better posts.  And you are so correct, my writing has never turned on me, changed it’s feelings for me etc etc.  It is my sanity sometimes.  I so appreciate that you are one of the few able to read and see inside of me through what I write.  I’m just a pretty pink hippo, watch me fly!!!

I watched a few episodes of Criminal Minds last night while playing Farkle and Crime City on Facebook.  I had social things I could have been out doing but sometimes I relish the solitude of my room.  Sometimes, for me, being on my computer and doing mindless crap is just the therapy I need.  It was something the ex-hubmeister could never grasp.  His form of therapy was to work on something, ride the Harley.  He faulted me for what worked for me, who knows why.  I’m not him, or anyone else.  I have to do what works for me.  Don’t hate or judge, if you cannot accept that then leave me the hell alone.

I also spent time talking to my buddy, Tigger.  Not sure why but he actually ‘gets’ me, or seems to understand me.  Tigger and I have an interesting bond that formed one night while laying on blankets, under the stars, on his trampoline.  Bouncing on the trampoline is how he got dubbed Tigger, and only natural that he in turn calls me Pooh.  He has some pretty unique insight into a lot of things, and a pretty easy going attitude.  So, I crashed on the bed and we talked for a while, until the fine citizens of Cincinnati acted up and the trucks had to roll again.  He asked me some questions…one, did I think I am broken? Nope. Nothing broken here just wounded!  Took a bit to mend the cracks, glue back together my heart and get it off life support from my divorce, but all is good.  No, Tigger, I’m not broken, I’m a band-aid.

In keeping with what I said yesterday about being a transitional person for others…I am the bandage for other people’s broken hearts.  Long ago, like 27 years ago, when my faith was very new and I was toddling around on baby steps in my faith, my dear friend, Vicki Melson, told me I was a Barnabas..an encourager.  I was one of those people that could encourage the hurting souls and help heal them.  She used to warn me to use the gift carefully, people would suck the life out of me if I didn’t.  And she told me that the problem with helping others heal is that part of your heart is applied to their wounds, a part you can never get back.  I didn’t understand it then but I sure do now.  I wish I could find her, she was a terrific mentor.  For some reason I got the impression she was no longer in this world, but not sure where I heard that.  She also warned me that no one in this world can heal the healers, the encouragers.  Our healing is through faith in the Great Physician, which means a lot of time in the Word and in prayer.  No wonder I’m running on empty of late, haven’t been filling up like I should.  No Vicki, I never did go on The Walk To Emmaus…maybe it is time to find a sponsor and go.  Lord knows my heart and soul could seriously use it.  Wherever you are, Mrs. Melson, thanks for steering me on the right path so long ago. I fall off and fall hard but I still manage to see the lighthouse in time.  :)

Maybe the reason I’m not keeper material is that I do keep my soft and vulnerable side locked up tight.  A friend that read the post told me this morning that the reason no one keeps me is because they don’t take the time to look inside me, cause if they did they’d never let me go.  Another friend said people don’t really want a relationship or they’d see their folly and hang onto someone like me with everything in them.  Funny, both are men that are dear friends that have taken time to get to know me, sadly both married and unavailable. But then, it was easy to reveal deeper parts of myself to them, no worries about being left heart broken.  There are so many layers to me that have not been exposed to others in so long out of need to protect myself.  Perhaps I am going about it all wrong?  It’s just that every time I allow someone to peek inside, I place enough trust in them to see things no one else gets to see, I end up alone and wounded again.  Then I lock it up tighter than the last time.  Most people never ask the questions that would open those doors anyway, the ones that allow us to examine the very soul, the core of the other person.  The deep stuff so to speak.  Then again I tend to keep folks at arm’s length so they don’t get that close to ask and know.  Slap on the brash outer shell, paint a pink stripe in my hair and an “I don’t give a rat’s ass” attitude, and no one gets to see the real person under the mask.  It’s safer that way.  Let the shrinks ask those?

So I sit here now myself, wondering….what would you ask, what deep, probing question, of someone else that you wanted to see inside their soul?

Dear So and So….

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Dear So and So...

Have a few notes to write? Link up by clicking the note above and get your Dear So and So on….

Dear Parents & Bus Drivers,

Please, when little Tommy and Sally are boarding or exiting the school bus, it is not social time for you.  Stuff a sock in it and move it already.  The rest of us have places to be, exchange phone numbers and call each other later.  Thanks.

~*~

Dear Sunshine,

Nice to see you again! Please don’t stay away so long next time.

~*~

Dear Coffee,

You are my greatest love.  You never let me down, disappoint me, break my heart and you are always hot, steamy and ready to please me.  Will you marry me???

~*~

Dear Teddy Bear,

Like coffee, you are tops on my list.  You never leave the bed, always there when I need support under that elbow, your feelings for me never change,  you love to cuddle and you are always there when I need you and never mind when I cry, you just soak up the tears and never break my heart.

~*~

Dear Mt. Washmore,

OMG WTF???? I just conquered you at the beginning of the week and now you are back, bigger than ever???  I will win this war again, prepare yourself for battle if you dare!

The Diaper Diaries 05/19/2011

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When I started this gig of babysitting to make a living I wasn’t entirely sure that my mental choo choo train hadn’t left the rails.  My baby is 20, I haven’t changed a diaper in a very long time and I was never much of one for domestic goddess roles.  I gave up on being a stay at home mom and have worked all my life.

When I got layed off from the company I had been with for 26 years I actually didn’t mind at first.  I enjoyed being home and hanging with my daughter, cleaning and even started cooking again. (I hate to cook, the hubmiester did all the cooking when we were married)  I wasn’t blissfully happy but I was pretty content.  I was able to spend time writing each day, hooking on blankets and still keeping the house in order and doing all the laundry.  I was bored more than anything but hey, it worked.

I’ve been the victim of the crap economy 2 more times and decided this was getting old so I decided to try childcare.  It was one of those over a cup of coffee brain storms with my mom one Saturday morning.  Within a week of getting the word out I was watching 3 siblings, Princess Smiles A Lot (7yo), Mr. Man (2yo) and Miss Thang (9 mths).  We transitioned from 2 days a week to 5 days over about a month to a month and a half.

My world of corporate office inventory and managing offices became feeding schedules, changing diapers, naps and homework.  And I love it!  I never imagined I would really enjoy this, but what is not to love about a toddler hugging you for no reason at all, or a baby grinning ear to ear when she sees you?  Nothing beats rocking a little one to sleep and off to dreamland, it is such a sweet few moments!  And if the sore muscles and looser jeans are an indication, I’m slowly taking off weight and toning up with all the up and down steps, lugging kids, chasing them, etc.  At the end of the day I am totally drained and happy to see my pillows!

I’ve been spit on, pooped on, fallen over baby gates, stepped on toys that have left some interesting bruises on my foot, been pinched, and still find this one of the best jobs I have had!  :)   During nap time I clean up the kitchen, do laundry and still have time to write or play a few rounds of Farkle on Facebook.  And the pay isn’t bad either!

I also started working as an independent sales representative for Avon, which has spawned a new blog page for me, where I will write my lipstick diaries of my adventures.

It is a steady income, and I feel like I have accomplished something at the end of each day. I think I made a good choice of career changes after all!

Need A Transitional Relationship? I’m Your Girl!

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Fate is one mean bitch, speaking from extensive experience here.  She seems to delight in bringing me good things then once I am attached to them on an emotional level she takes them back.  Is it any  wonder my heart is usually locked up and kept away from even the people I love?

From the first serious relationship I had in high school I’ve learned that I have a purpose in the lives of men…to transition them.  For some the transformation took longer than others, from a matter of weeks to 22 years, but eventually the result is the same.  I board their ships for a time, but sooner or later they deposit me back on the island of broken hearts to wait for the next needy soul to come along and take part of my heart.  Over the years I learned to hide more and more of myself behind walls and masks in an effort to protect who and what I am.

My first marriage was a disaster from the start.  I should have known that someone that spent more time drunk than sober could be an issue.  But at 19 I was young and naive and thought it would be blissful.  I was a wide open book, full of Cinderella dreams and love for a man who spent most of that time completely unaware of reality.  People who drink to the point of blacking out tend to have to fill in the blanks of what happened  because they cannot recall what occurred in their drunken stupor.  I even believed for a time he was sincerely sorry when he’d see the bruises all over me the next day from his violent rages and not recall what he did.  I knew the pattern…drink, get happy, drink more, get all sappy and lovey dovey, then drink more and the depression started setting in, a few more beers and he was out of control and violent.  I learned to make myself scarce when the affectionate side started, usually had him tuck me in bed and then pray he drank himself to sleep.  If not, he would come find me and start the hell all over again.  That was when I learned to fight back.  Corner me, threaten me, and hurt me and I will go all crazy bitch on you.  The final straw came while  I was pregnant with my son, when he hit me for the very last time.  I did what I should have done the first time several years earlier, I called the cops.  Back then they tried to sooth things over and calm it down, they made him take a walk.  That next night he went out and when I got up the next morning, when he was supposed to be at work, I found him face down in a puddle  of blood on the dining room floor.  He had come home so drunk he fell face first into the dining room table and knocked himself cold.  He got up, called in sick for work and went to bed.  I packed my shit and called my parents and moved out.  Of course he was so sorry later, even joined AA, and I moved back into the house.  For a few months he stopped drinking and sunk into one of the worst depressions I’ve encountered in anyone.  After the baby was born he became a very dark, mean person, but at least he didn’t hit me anymore.  Then one day I came home  from work and he had packed and left.  He made a choice, drinking was more important to him than me and our son.  He got the house, I moved into apartment and moved on.

I went through a number of relationships after that, but none lasted long.  I refused to be pushed around again, but I also didn’t want a weak man that I could walk on.  I’m a strong personality and a stubborn streak matched by few I know.  It is a survival mechanism I suppose.   When you grow up the misfit as a kid, you learn to build your outer shell pretty thick, even if you are dying inside.

The second marriage…I’ve hashed that one out more times in my posts than I care to go into.  We were two people that when together could attract more bad luck in life than anyone deserves and after so many years of being knocked down at every turn, we both were behind some pretty thick walls.  I will always love him, it’s what I do, love completely.  I was far from perfect, but I tried my best while keeping my vulnerable sides safely locked away.  Maybe that was the issue?  He rarely got a glimpse of that because if he reacted negatively to a piece of me I closed it off and never let out again. I didn’t even know me by the time we divorced.  He was his own damaged, train wreck when I met him and while I loved him completely and was my hero, it was surprising it got to the 22 year mark.

Despite what both husbands told me, that I’m a “total package kind of woman” (whatever the hell that means), and a multitude of boyfriends (a few even recently) told me I was amazing, wonderful, smokin hot, they love me….no one wants to keep me.  Each one seems to gravitate my way when their lives are in turmoil or fresh from battle. They take me aboard their ships, we dance on the waves for awhile, and then they return me to the shore of that island again and sail away.  Most only were given a tiny piece of me, I’ve learned to be very cautious now.  But no matter how small the piece they get to take with them, it still leaves me hurting.

Recently I was careless, and I let my guard down, and exposed too much of me yet again and once again got my heart broken really good.  And it wasn’t anyone’s fault this time, this guy was great, someone really special.  Just bad timing, a battle torn ship,  a crazy fun ride on the waves, and me letting myself be vulnerable and revealing a peek at the softer side of me that I’ve kept locked up since the first marriage failed.  Damn fate and the magic she knows how to weave, just when I felt safe and secure, and let myself really feel something, she yanked it away yet again.  I never learn. :(

I’m back behind the walls, adding a few more layers of protection around my heart and soul.  The drawbridge is going up on my castle on the Island Of Broken Hearts, and there are extra piranhas in the mote.  There just isn’t enough left of my heart anymore and it isn’t regenerating like it used too.  I don’t  think I can handle it again, this opening up to have fate feed my heart through the shredder again.  I’m keeping what is left for myself now.

Looking for a transitional relationship, one to get you through a rough spot in life? *waving hand in the air* I’m your girl.  Booty call, drinking buddy, take in a baseball or football game….but NO emotions, no caring, no giving a shit  what your day was like at the office.  I will listen, say all the right things and even offer advice, but don’t ask for or expect any real care, because it simply isn’t there to give anymore.  Don’t tell me what a great fit we are, how lucky you are to have me, cause you don’t have me. No one does.   I’m not keeper material and if you so much as say “I love you” I’ll be gone from your life so fast it will make your head spin.

I recently said I was one bad relationship from owning 10 cats.  More accurately, I was one broken heart away, and I’m starting to look at kittens more seriously so yeah, this is  one princess that is staying locked in the tower.  The  guards are ordered to shoot the next Prince Charming on site.