Friday Featured Friend
Welcome to Friday Featured Friend, where I feature a guest post from another blogger. Today’s guest poster is Julie C. Gardner, from By Any Other Name. I cannot recall how I stumbled on her page one day but I was hooked and subscribed. A former high school English teacher and a writer (believe me I was honored she’d grace my page and intimidated me just a bit!), she is now working on a few books. A devoted wife and mom with a great sense of self and humor, I give you Julie. Oh and NO she is not related, but the last name and blond hair might make ya wonder! Leave some love and please check out her page where you will not be disappointed!
~*~ ~*~ ~*~
Julie Gardner of byanyothername
Like many women, I have a love/hate relationship with exercise. I hate to work out, but love how I feel afterward. Except for the time I went running in a pair of compression pants I’d found in the back of my closet. I had to pry them from my goose-pimpled flesh with pliers. So my “afterward” that day wasn’t so much a celebration as a victory.
I’d received this particular pair of compression pants as a free sample from an Olympic athlete who’s an acquaintance of a friend. I’d put the pants away and forgotten all about them. Partly because I don’t generally require “performance-enhancing” outer-wear and partly because I don’t organize my closets often (read: ever). I also hate laundry. So I when I unexpectedly found a pair of clean running pants (!!!) I got ready to rock it. Compression style.
I cannot overstate the seriousness of the compression. Like cut-off-all-circulation compression. But when I slid these pants on, nothing jiggled. Win.
Four miles into my run, however, I discovered the pants were either (like the Grinch’s heart) two sizes too small or my lower body was not compression-pant caliber. My thighs weren’t jiggling because they were busy purpling. And not in a good way.
Unfortunately, this wasn’t the first fashion-disaster in my exercise history.
To witness that, we revisit the 80’s, when someone (I blame Jane Fonda) decided to do ass crunches to the throb of “Little Red Corvette.” I was right there on the cheaply-carpeted floor pumping away to lyrics that boasted a thinly-veiled celebration of the vagina. I’d be sausaged into black tights (because even as a virgin I knew black was slimming) and a neon-colored leotard with matching headband. You know. To keep the sweat off my brow.
NOT Julie or Marti
And the really sexy part?
My fellow sweaters and I would thread a belt through the leg holes of the leotard and fasten said belt at the waist, thereby hiking the spandex over our hips to belly button height. Not exactly modest, but at least there were two bunched-up layers of Danskin between the outside world and my own virginal “Little Red Corvette.”
Then we gyrated and flailed and tormented our buns of steel. And we managed all this while caked in eye make-up and plastered with hairspray to ensure we looked “radical” in our aerobic studio’s requisite wall of mirrors. Why? Because Olivia Newton John had invited us to get “physical” and I couldn’t say “no” to the hot chick in Grease. I wanted to be the hot chick in Grease.
Without having to kiss John Travolta, of course.
Fast-forward to the 90’s and I was anything but hot. My skin sucked. My hair sucked. Everything. Sucked. I probably shouldn’t have traded aerobics for happy hour at Acapulcos. But as a result of this trade, my ass (like the Grinch’s heart) grew three sizes. And my rare attempts at exercise were executed in clothes meant to hide my freshman fifteen (twenty. whatever).
I wore really, really, big shirts over skin-tight biker shorts that left permanent indentations in my lower-thighs. The idea was that if I were wearing a bed sheet, no one would notice the size of the mattress. It didn’t so much work. So I didn’t so much exercise.
Eventually, someone married me. And eventually, I had two kids (don’t get me started on maternity-wear). Then, surprisingly, we survived Y2K. Which meant we had to keep exercising. Damn.
At least, in this millennium, there are options available to women seeking sweat. One can choose ultra-short running panties (if one were clinically insane), capri or full-length tights. Spandex, lycra. Wicking and non. Loose shorts, tight shorts. Long sleeves, tank. With or without breast implants, it’s all acceptable.
Too bad it’s also all extremely expensive. Which is why I’m back where I started – in a love/hate relationship with exercise. I will continue to love how I feel after a workout. But I will also continue to hate getting dressed for it. At least until leg warmers come back into style.
Fingers crossed, people. Fingers crossed.
I so would have counted it as exercise trying to get those compression pants off. LOL And your descriptions of the exercise clothes of each era has me giggling the entire length of my power walk to the cinnamon roll on the kitchen counter.
Mmmmm…..cinnmonn roll.
So much more tasty than John Travolta.
Thanks for stopping here, Donna. You are the first commenter to my virgin guest post.
So I will never forget you ;-0
As an avid fan of both exercise and your postings…today’s was terrific. I had almost forgotten about Y2K! Thanks for always making me smile!
Thanks, Di.
VERY much. You are one of the few people who would look good in whatever workout gear you slid on…
But I love you anyway because you came here and commented xoxo
Oh the 80s were fantastic. You couldn’t catch me (and my overgrown patootie) in spandex now. Wonderful post.
Amen!
I never look put together at the gym, even when I (rarely) make an attempt. I always feel schlumpy, or I’m pulling my shorts out of my butt on the elliptical, or tugging at my sports bra. I don’t look cute in yoga pants because I have saddlebags, even at peak fitness level. I can’t wear biker shorts because well, those saddlebags make the shorts ride up into the fold between thigh and torso. Ew.
Like I said. Amen.
So I responded in a separate reply to you before I saw that there was a reply button on this host blog. Duh. I’m so 80′s, even my technology is behind.
I think we need our own gym. With dark lighting and clown mirrors.
And a cafeteria.
And wine bar.
Who’s in?
You have no idea just how badly I want you to hear me singing my rendition of Olivia Newton John’s You Better Shape Up, right now. This would be so much better with audio.
“If you’re filled with affection
you’re too shy to convey
meditate in my direction
feel your way…”
Yes I know all the words, what’s your point? I remember buying Jane Fonda’s specially designed step and aerobic tapes. I blame her for the grinding away of my kneecap really. It certainly wasn’t genetics. Or sitting on my flabby ass for much of my life. This post is just so many shades of funny and awesome you’ve obviously left me speechless. Except to say, I would very much like to see photographic evidence of the fine Sweatband-Newton-Fonda-John attire.
Okay JUST noticed now that this fancy host blog has the ability to respond directly to comments.
I’m so jealous now.
And I’m jealous of your extensive knowledge of Olivia Newton John lyrics.
You are radical. So.
Hey, what about those of us who wore the headbands, leg warmers and such in the 80s … as a great fashion statement, but not really to exercise? What are we, chopped liver? Hm, I’m hungry …
Deb ~
I could do a whole separate post about THAT. I mean the leg warmer fashion statement. Not the chopped liver. But now that you mention it, I’ve been hungry since Donna mentioned cinnamon rolls.
Clearly, I’m not picky when it comes to food.
But I DO pick the very best friends
Kari ~
Thanks for stopping by here ~ and anyone can pull off spandex. If we sat around in the dark – and avoided neon.
Gigi ~
After a few glasses of wine, we could wear anything we want. (of course, we wouldn’t end up working out. but that’s okay by me.)
Amen.
too funny…you think you had it bad? i remember wearing the leotards, leg warmers, headbands and my hair plastered with hairsray in the Philippines (that’s 105 degree weater with 100% humidity)..what the heck was i thinking???
Rowena ~
Don’t know why the thought of wearing leg warmers in the Philippines has me wetting my pants right now…
You are hilarious, friend.
We need to get together and share pictures. Over several bottles of wine -
I have never even heard of compression pants, where have I been (aside from not working out!) Right now, circulation or not, it sounds like something I want (need) to try.
I’m telling you ~ I had never heard of compression pants either…
They are definitely aimed toward the “more athletic” -
Once I discovered they would hold everything in for me while I ran, I wore those damn pants every time I exercised.
Until the day I discovered they’d been washed one too many times. And you could see my butt through them.
But that is a whole other blog post…
Wow, I think the 80′s was the last time I looked good in workout clothes – (read: owned any). Good times, great leg warmers and big hair. Now the term “work out clothes” sends me into a panic. In fact, I’m heading out to Florida for my National Sales meeting and the “dress code” section says that work out clothes are required for the “team building” portion of the meeting. Now I really start to sweat. What exactly does one wear to “work out” in front of one’s entire company? Can I get a doctor’s note?
I can’t BELIEVE you have to bring workout clothes to a sales meeting.
I would so write you a doctor’s note but it would come out sounding like a mom getting her kid out of PE (which I have to do on a regular basis with Jack – ha!)
Good luck in Florida. Just don’t bring compression pants. That’s all I have for you. XO
p.s. Thanks so much for coming and leaving a comment. LOVE you!
I feel you when it comes to exercise. And I just learned that if I want to make my Spanx obsolete, I need to go to the gym 5 times a week instead of the 2 times I have been going. Not looking forward to that.
Going to the gym? Five days a week?
I’ll take the Spanx.
(or you could borrow my compression pants. they’re awesome.)
Very entertaining I will head over to her blog!
Thanks, Rachel ~ look forward to meeting you in the blogosphere.
Except I kind of hate that word. And so I hate myself for using it a little.
But it seemed appropriate.
So now I know why I hate it. Because I usually trend toward inappropriate.
Cheers~
So, Julie left a funny comment on my blog so I went to her blog and now I’m here! Funny post…I used to wear big tankers with compression shorts too! Hahaha…ok, I need to track you gals down!!! Are we twitter friends? I don’t even know…I’ll check but here’d my twitter thingie! @allfookeduptoo
K. Bye
We are twitter friends ~ and thanks for stopping by.
Will have to exchange more comments of hilarity in near future
(While we’re NOT at the grocery store!)
How did I forget about legwarmers?
I’m guilty of being one of those people who believes that if I just had the right workout clothes, I’d suddenly be super motivated and fit.
I’m a marketers fantasy.
Sigh.
Nichole,
We ALL tried to forget about legwarmers. And now here I am. Bringing them back up again.
On a Friday.
But won’t the marketers LOVE me when people start asking about legwarmers again? In droves?
Ah. I’m a trendsetter alright…
(p.s. Thanks for stopping by here. Good luck with the kids and sharing.
If I had legwarmers, I’d share them with you…)
I love reading anything you write Julie!!!!…..You are so funny and you never fail to remind me that laughing at ourselves is a good thing!!!!!!
Michelle,
You know I love you. And I love you even more now that you commented for the first time.
When I needed you most.
Smooch.
XO
So funny, Julie! As always
Love you, Kimmy! Thanks so much for coming here and leaving me some comment-love! xo
Oh the woes of those who exercise! So glad I’m not one of them LOL. I watch a lot of the BBC and notice how the British go for walks all the time in NORMAL CLOTHES. I’m enchanted by this concept because we Americans think we have to dress for the occasion of exercise, even if it’s walking for 30 minutes around the neighborhood. Great post, Julie!
Karen ~
Still fantasizing about coming up to Santa Barbara with my two crazy dogs and walking with you and yours. And now, I just picture it in normal clothes.
And maybe we’ll make a stop for cupcakes or some other food item….
Especially if it’s some kind of National Holiday or something.
Then it will be practically an obligation.
Thanks for coming to the guest post. Much much much appreciated
Marti ~
Thanks again soooo much for offering me the opportunity to guest post here.
This has been a lot of fun and I am no longer a guest-posting virgin.
Hope you don’t mind if I keep hovering around your site – reading your blogs and commenting.
I’m hooked
JCG
Julie -
I was honored that you said yes!!!!
And no, I don’t mind, I creep on your page too, I love your writings!
Marti – the non-related Gardner
I loved my leg warmers! Too bad my dolphin shorts days PRECEEDED the purchase of my Jane Fonda tapes. Fortunately, I made up for it with really rockin (read: big, teased, and half-way back on my head) bangs.
and blue eye shadow.
and high waisted jeans.
rad.
Nance ~
You are always rad. Totally. To the max. And all that.
(even though I’ve seen you at your least foxy…)
Thanks for jumping on the guest blog – can’t wait to see you soon. Soon. Soon.
I feel like I’m going to die after exercise! Clearly it’s because I don’t wear the right clothes.
Joey ~
It’s not you. Or the clothes. It’s exercise. Evil. It starts with an E. Dead giveaway.
Especially on a Saturday.
Hope you’re enjoying your weekend and not worrying about sweat of sweatpants or anything like that