10 Foods I Love

Feb23

As a part of the 100 Things I Love series, here are 10 foods I love.  Not necessarily in any particular order, and by no means an exhaustive list!

  1. Chipotle Steak Bowl – you just knew that would be #1, if you know me.  Steak bowl, brown rice, black beans, corn salsa and cheese.  I use the tortilla chips to scoop it up and eat it, much better than a fork and adds some crunch to the meal!
  2. Mom’s homemade bean soup – it is SO good and has a strange memory attached.   The super tornado outbreak on April 3, 1974 made bean soup a food memory.  My mom was making it when we got home from school that day.  Every time the tornado sirens went off she had to turn it off as we headed for the basement.  We now swear in order to make it right, you have to keep turning it off throughout the cooking process.
  3. Black Bean Chili – it came about one time when the ex hubster and I were going to try to make his chili recipe and we had black beans rather than chili beans on hand.  So we used them.  I’ve changed it up some and made it a slightly sweet chili, not spicy hot, but very yummy.  It is a much loved and requested meal in the Diva Den.
  4. Lime Garlic Chicken – mom has a fantastic recipe for it, it is a total Diva Den favorite.
  5. Strawberry Almond Salad – this is a warm weather favorite around here.  Chicken, poppy seed dressing, strawberries, oranges, almonds over lettuce (cannot recall what else is in it).  It is a huge hit at my sister’s former employer’s cafe so she learned how to make it and now it is a big hit here. We all over eat when that is served.
  6. Cheese Burger Soup – a woman at my former church used to make this and it is to die for good.  The ex got the recipe and would make it for football game parties at the house or tailgating at the Bengal games.  I think I need to have my daughter get me a copy. Or maybe the ex will just email it…
  7. Weight Watchers Cabbage Soup – who knew, it is SO good! And supposedly one of those things you can eat all you want.
  8. Gyros – but ONLY from Sebastian’s here in Cincinnati, on the west side of town.  They are without a doubt the very best ever.
  9. Tuna Casserole – I know, totally crazy simple, but my mom makes a good one. It’s comfort food!
  10. Oatmeal – not the instant crap, but the old fashioned, cooked on the stove top kind.  I little dark brown sugar and some walnuts mixed in…YUM!

What Does Facebook Say About Me?

Feb23

The other morning our local morning news cast posted this question (on Facebook no less):

Do you think your Facebook profile gives an indication of your career potential? Your IQ? Your true personality?

Interesting thought, no?  I decided to have a look at who I am through my Facebook profile.  I’d invite you to go take a peek but at the  moment it is all locked up private like.  I  like to periodically deprive my various stalkers of their daily fix.  I don’t take Facebook all that seriously, it is a source of amusement…and can be a huge time waster.  But it keeps me sane when stuck in traffic, the baby is sleeping and the household chores are done, I can’t sleep at night, or I need to de-stress.

Okay what does my Facebook say about me as far as my career potential?  I’m driven when it comes to my work.  I have what is termed the protestant work ethic, so even if I do not really enjoy my job, I give it my all.  I’m told by several who are trying to lure me away from Avon to come and work for them that I’m great at marketing.  That is funny as I went to college for sign language interpreting, the marketing side just comes naturally to me.  I’m pretty darn creative and that comes through too, “they” that would like me working for them tell me.  Funny thing is I don’t even have to think about it, those things come naturally to me.  Facebook would say I do my job very well, I’m a dedicated employee, loyal and fun too work with too.

Facebook would also tell you that family is important to me.  I am close to mine and I am openly affectionate toward those I love in my end of the gene pool.  And my family is the same in return.  There are countless pokings of fun at each other, giving of support, and affectionate status updates and comments going back and forth  between me and those I love.

Another thing that stands out…I’m a poker and proud of it!  I am in a poke fest with several dozen friends on there, if you poke I poke back.  It’s amusing to me and obviously to others. Not sure if it originated as a form of flirting, but for me it is just a game.

Speaking of games, Facebook would tell you that, while I do play some of the games, I don’t take them too seriously and don’t devote that much time to them.  Somewhere, out there in cyberland, is a very neglected farm.  By now the weeds have so taken over that they neatly hide all the bodies of the more than likely deceased livestock.  My Farkle score hasn’t moved and I still have the same 700K + chips I had a month ago.  My focus has been on work lately, my sales, building and mentoring my team, and taking care of this cute little baby.  I also tend to go in spurts when it comes to any games.  I play/ed Farmville, YoVille, Mafia Wars, Farkle, Bingo Bash, Bingo Blitz, Zombie Lane just to name a few.  Some I stick  with, others bored me to tears.  Either way, I cannot stand to sit and play when I could be reading some book of value to my business.  Even when watching TV lately I find myself working and my shows are background noise.  My dad is retired, and declining physically, so for him, Zombie Lane and other games keep his mind alert.  I try to do a few things to  help his end of the games but in the end, games just aren’t that important.

Face it, it is funny.

My page would hint rather bluntly at my conservative political position. Actually I’m probably more middle of the road but my lean is conservative.  This country is all about being the land of opportunity.  That opportunity is to achieve your own American dream, not live off of mine.  So once  in a  while, though I do try to avoid posting about politics, I will share something that struck me as worthy.

This is actually my bible, highlighted, notes and all. It is a dear friend.

I have nothing hidden when it comes to my faith.  I am far from perfect and gladly admit that.  Sinner, right here, bigger than life.  Been a prodigal daughter of the most High too, but I’m working on that.  Okay HE is working on that, this is one stubborn student but little by little I’m learning.  I will post bible verses now and then that struck me in my reading, or some photo image that just spoke to my heart at the moment.

My page would also indicate that I love spreading inspiration.  When I find something I think is inspiring I post it or share it, hoping it does the same for others.  I am a person that sees the glass in life as not half full, but over flowing.  Sure, I have hardships, heart breaks and things in my life that go wrong.  I have a very vividly colored past, full of less than wise choices.  I wouldn’t change a single thing, it all makes me who I am today.  I love the songs Garth Brooks wrote, Standing Outside The Fire and The Dance because I think they speak volumes of how I live my life.  I also love P!NK’s song, Fucking Perfect, it IS my life! Wrong turns/bad choices, but I make it through.  And my life is so full of blessings and good things that those bad things are just lessons learned.  Facebook allows me to spread that, and anyone reading my page would have no doubt of any of that.  Does you glass appear only half full? Assume it was an engineering error and the cup was made too big.  Cut the top off or pour your contents into a smaller cup and see your life as over the rim with goodness.

Facebook is also great for me because I have a really fun, and at times quirky, sense of humor!  I LOVE life, love to laugh and enjoy amusing things.  So when I see something funny I tend to share it.  So, in closing I will post a bunch of the things I have had on my Facebook of late.  You can draw your own conclusions about me that way, or add me as a friend and go from there.  Enjoy!

And Now A Word About My Stalker…

Feb22

Yes, I have a stalker.  I feel pretty special about that. Actually I have several of them that wander over here to see what I’m doing, but this one in particular is serious bunny boiler material.   Her target is actually my daughter.

I would normally ignore this person, as from what I can tell she is a narcissistic psycho.  They NEED attention and usually get it from attacking others.  That gets a reaction and makes them feel important.  If you ever saw the movie, Fatal Attraction, this chick is Alex Forrest played by Glenn Close. This is NOT a compliment.  The leading lady stalks the man and his family, she is insane and also insanely jealous of the wife.  In this case, our bunny boiler is insanely jealous of my daughter.

See, there was this very nice guy, or so we thought, that told my daughter he was not involved with anyone.   He sort of forgot to mention that he was in a relationship, at least the bunny boiler thought she was in one with him, but according to him it was over.  My daughter started seeing him and things got pretty intense pretty fast.  Then my daughter discovers that well it might not be over between hunky monkey and the psycho.  Daughter was done with it at that point, got her heart broken but she, like her mother, cannot stand liars.  They can never be trusted and she will never trust hunky monkey again. It’s over and done.  Bunny boiler, well she went all psycho bitch from hell on the monkey man, and then turned her wrath on my baby girl.  Sorry, sweet, ugly little monster, but it isn’t her fault that he lied, not just to her but to you.  You were both dicked over by the same piece of crap guy, it isn’t her fault or yours.  It’s HIS.

The fact is, this psycho crazy thing cannot stand that her man strayed (he still holds to the story that they were done) to my daughter.  What is not to stray too after all.  My daughter is adorable, beautiful, intelligent, caring, sexy…and flat out amazing.  Pretty much every man  that gets to know her falls in love with her, because of her heart.  She is amazing and I’m not saying that as a biased mother.  I know many of the male friends she has, and female and everyone that ever meets her just adores her.  Except those that get jealous of her magnetic personality and above average good looks.  That would be psycho bunny boiler.  Her ridiculous jealousy is frankly quite unbecoming on her.  Ugly personalities are like that.

She, the bunny boiler, stalks my Twitter account now, periodically doing @marvimarti with unkind things like saying my daughter is a whore.  At first I found it amusing and would in turn look at her’s, and leave a remark back at her just to stir the pot a bit.   Other than discovering GetGlue thanks to her, I was quickly bored to death with her constant whining about things like the people of our great township and her school.  Really, if it’s so bad why do you attend?  She texts and has friends text and call my daughter to harass her.  I’m thinking it might be time for electronic harassment charges.  Now it would seem she also stalks my blogs.

Today, a comment appeared on a youtube video that is on one of my recent blogs.  It was a rather unkind remark about my daughter.  When one is going to do stuff like that, they really should remove identifying information from their youtube ID.  You’ll note in the photo the ID of a myspace for said subscriber, circled in yellow:

Now compare that to the twitter ID of the bunny boiler:

Coincidence? I think not.  Now mind you, the comment was received today, on the youtube video at 1:35pm.  I have ignored this childish little snot, I stopped caring about what was on her Twitter and opted to just pretend she was dead.  But today, she opted to drag me into this again by posting that comment on my youtube video:

YouTube help center | e-mail options | report spam
paintsmeblue has made a comment on Christmas Night:

yuck liesls face is terrible

You can reply to this comment by visiting the comments page.

I have remained silent, even though I’ve been told she trashes my daughter to anyone that will listen (can you say obsessed? Perhaps she is just a lesbian and feels jilted because my daughter wasn’t interested in her?), I’ve heard about the texts she along with her childish friends, send my girl.  Little Miss Bunny Boiler, aka: Sara Kowatch, is the one opting to continue this high school bullshit.  SO today I decided to respond back.  If you are going to involve me, expect me to respond at some point.  This was my response:

The way I see it, if you are going to read my tweets, stalk my blog, and then leave comments that are unkind about my baby girl (again, SHE chose to go there not me), then I think we should meet!  I’m quite willing to go to her.

Then this appears in my feed on Twitter:

Rest assured, Miss Shelly Hissett, I am not threatening your friend.  And I am indeed acting like an adult.  I did not chose to fire the shot across the bow of the ship today, your ding bat, psycho friend did.  I simply responded that it might be time for a visit.  She obviously cannot get enough of me if she is 1) reading my tweets and 2) reading my blogs and 3) felt the need to comment.  Do you see the common denominator here my dear? YOUR bunny boiler buddy!  She is obsessed with my daughter and me, follows what we do, say and leaves comments.  Personally, when I have a fan like that I want to meet them!

Now, Miss Sara Kowatch, why don’t you go attempt to fascinate someone else.  Stop stalking me, stop reading my tweets, reading my blogs and making unkind comments about my daughter.  That or I will indeed have to assume you are lusting for her or me, or maybe you are into some kind of sick, lesbian mother-daughter fantasy of us.  You must be, or you’d move on  my dear and get over the fact that the dirt bag boyfriend lied to everyone and really doesn’t deserve this much energy from you.

However, I am flattered by all the stalking of my social media. You SURE you don’t me to stop by for a visit? I’ll even give you an autographed photo!  It is certainly the least I can do since you spend so much time paying attention to what I do!

Remember…YOU chose to involve me by commenting on my Youtube video about my daughter.  If you want to act like an adult, people will in turn treat you like one.  But when you act like a snotty nosed, high school brat, and drag me into your childish little game, well I will in turn treat you in a childish manner.  It seems to be your Modus Operandi, so I’m simply trying to speak your language, dear child, so you understand me.

You and your little friend have a nice day!

Grrrrrr…Soap Box Time!

Feb22

*yanks open the closet door, pulls out the soap box and slides it into the middle of the room.  Checking to be sure  my shoe strings are tied so I don’t trip and fall off the darn thing, I jump up on the soap box, it is time for me to rant*

I have a bunny in my verbal cross hairs today, she calls herself the Beauty Bunny, and frankly I am of the opinion that her brain is all of about the size of a rabbits.  She seems to think that Avon, Mary Kay and Estee Lauder are all “secretly paying for tests on animals in China”.  First, if it’s a secret just how does she know this?  PETA that’s how.  No, not People for the Eating of Tasty Animals, that would be the PETA I would be a member of!  A proud one. Meat is dinner especially when paired with a good side dish.  But I’m digressing.  This would be the folks all about ethical treatment of animals.  I’m all about not being cruel in our treatment of animals, my pets are rescue only, but these people are liars and sensationalists.  And if she is promoting what PETA says without checking her facts, this bunny is, in my opinion, also a liar and sensationalist.  I don’t care how award winning she might be, those giving her awards should be ashamed for awarding a liar.  I commented on her post (I’ll be #5) though I doubt she will post my comment because I don’t see a single one of the 4 calling her out for not posting the facts.  SO, I’ll do that here.

Here is what PETA says recently about these 3 makeup companies, a quote from their website:

“When we learned that the Chinese government requires tests on animals before many cosmetics products can be marketed in China, we immediately contacted all three companies. While we understand that China is an enormous market that these companies aren’t willing to ignore, we had hoped they would take action to eliminate this requirement or push for non-animal test methods to be accepted. Mary Kay had taken some steps to work with officials in China, and at our urging, promised to continue this effort—but Avon and Estée Lauder appear to have gone along with the painful animal tests without objection.” 

You can read that for yourself at PETA.ORG

Now...it is a blatant lie.  Avon has not gone along with this without objection.  And they are not keeping a secret that there is indeed animal testing REQUIRED BY SOME COUNTRIES for ALL cosmetics of ANY brand sold in those countries.  AVON posted on a publicly accessible website for the whole world to see, Avon has addressed this:

“Some select products may be required by law in a few countries to undergo additional safety testing, which potentially includes animal testing, under the directive of a government or health agency. In these instances, Avon will first attempt to persuade the requesting authority to accept non-animal test data. When those attempts are unsuccessful, Avon must abide by local laws and submit the products for additional testing. In 2011, this affected three tenths of one percent of Avon’s products. “(emphasis mine)

Avon marketed 9000 products in 2011 to over 100 countries.  Of those 9000 products, 0.3% were required by law in other countries to be tested by animal.  Do the math, that is 27 of 9000 products that Avon could not persuade the authorities of those countries to accept non-animal test data.  Is it 27 too many? Of course it is!  But Avon is still actively, despite what PETA and bunny britches would have you believe, trying to get around that for those remaining 27.

Here is the Avon side of the story, I am copying and pasting it, but please go read it yourself and know the truth! By the way, take note, my breast cancer research support pals, that Avon has raised over $740 million toward the cause and DOES NOT FUND MEDICAL RESEARCH UTILIZING ANIMALS.  If they won’t do it to save human lives, do you really think they’d secretly do it to test makeup???

~*~

Avon Products, Inc. & Consumer Safety: Commitment to Science…Respect for Animal Welfare

Click here for a pdf of this statement.

The safety of our consumers is of primary concern to Avon. We are committed to selling only safe products, using only safe ingredients in our cosmetics products and complying with applicable regulations in the more than 100 countries in which Avon products are sold. Within this commitment, we also have a deep respect for animal welfare.

  • In June 1989 Avon announced a permanent end to animal testing of our products, including testing done in outside laboratories. Avon was the first major cosmetic company in the world to end animal testing.
  • For more than 20 years Avon has independently substantiated the safety of its products without animal testing.
  • Avon does not conduct nor request animal testing in order to substantiate the safety or efficacy of any of its products or raw ingredients.
  • Our approach to safety evaluation utilizes data from computational modeling, in vitro (test tube/cell culture) evaluation and clinical tests on human volunteers, as well as utilization of pre-existing data.
  • Some select products may be required by law in a few countries to undergo additional safety testing, which potentially includes animal testing, under the directive of a government or health agency. In these instances, Avon will first attempt to persuade the requesting authority to accept non-animal test data. When those attempts are unsuccessful, Avon must abide by local laws and submit the products for additional testing. In 2011, this affected three tenths of one percent of Avon’s products.
  • Avon has been active in the development, implementation and acceptance of alternative test methods since the 1980′s, working to identify and develop new testing alternatives with other cosmetic companies and with external organizations. Avon’s Vice President, Product Safety & Integrity serves on the Scientific Advisory Panel of The Institute of In Vitro Sciences, Inc., a non-profit research and testing organization dedicated to the advancement of in vitro (non-animal) methods worldwide. Recently Avon became a Founding Sponsor of the American Society for Cellular Computational Toxicology. Similarly, Avon continues to support the Fund for the Replacement of Animals in Medical Experiments (FRAME) in the UK, the Center for Alternatives to Animal Testing at Johns Hopkins University in the US, and the European Partnership for Alternative Approaches to Animal Testing.
  • Our efforts were recognized as far back as 1993 at the World Congress on Alternatives and Animal Use in the Life Sciences: Education, Research and Testing. Also in 1993, Avon was presented with a Recognition Award from the Johns Hopkins University Center for Alternatives to Animal Testing in the US for our dedication to the principles of the 3 R’s (refinement, reduction, replacement) and the use of alternative tests for safety evaluation.
  • Reflecting the same commitment to animal welfare, the Avon Foundation Breast Cancer Crusade does not fund medical research utilizing animals. Through 2011, the Avon Crusade raised more than $740 million for access to care and finding a cure for breast cancer.

Click here for a pdf of Q&A below.

Avon Products, Inc. and PETA: A Shared Commitment to Animal Welfare Q & A

1. I thought Avon doesn’t conduct animal testing. Why has PETA put Avon’s name on the list of companies that do test on animals?

Avon’s commitment not to test on animals is the same as it has been for over twenty years – Avon neither conducts nor requests animal testing. Nothing has changed, and we continue to be in communication with PETA on the issue. Avon does business in over 100 countries, and some select products may be required by law in a few countries to undergo additional safety testing, which potentially includes animal testing, under the directive of a government or health agency. In these instances, Avon will first attempt to persuade the requesting authority to accept non-animal test data. When those attempts are unsuccessful, Avon must abide by local laws and submit the products for additional testing. This is not part of Avon’s product safety testing process.

2. How many of your products are tested on animals?

In 2011, Avon offered approximately 9,000 products in over 100 countries, and in that year less than 0.3% of these products were tested on animals under the directives of the law in a few countries. Our goal is to get that number to zero. It is important to reinforce that Avon independently substantiates the safety of its products without any animal testing. The company’s entire global product safety program is built on the foundational principle of opposition to unnecessary animal testing and respect for animal welfare. In 1989 Avon was the first major cosmetic company in the world to establish a policy of no animal testing. The only reason any product is tested on animals is because some governments have yet to accept the use of scientifically valid alternative approaches to safety assessment.

3. If these legal requirements in a few countries are not new, and Avon’s position has not changed, why is the issue being raised now, and why has Avon moved from the PETA list of companies that do NOT test on animals to the list of companies that do?

Although we cannot speak for PETA, we believe they have decided to become more aggressive advocates in the global arena with a focus on changing laws in the handful of countries which require animal testing for some cosmetics. Avon and PETA share a common objective to persuade governments to accept scientifically valid alternative approaches to animal testing. Avon is working together with other global beauty companies to gain acceptance of alternatives to animal testing throughout the world. Avon is just one of a long list of global beauty companies that face the same issue. The only companies that do not are those which market their products in a limited number of countries.

4. What is Avon doing globally to address this issue?

Avon has worked to advance alternatives to animal testing for decades. Avon’s Vice President of Product Safety & Integrity serves on the Scientific Advisory Panel of The Institute of the In Vitro Sciences, Inc., a non-profit research and testing organization dedicated to the advancement of in vitro (non-animal) methods worldwide (PETA is also a supporter of IIVS). Similarly, Avon continues to support research into alternatives conducted by the Fund for the Replacement of Animals in Medical Experiments (FRAME) in the United Kingdom, the Center for Alternatives to Animal Testing at Johns Hopkins University in the US, and the European Partnership for Alternative Approaches to Animal Testing. Recently, Avon became a Founding Sponsor of the American Society for Cellular Computational Toxicology. In addition, Avon works closely on this issue with other companies in the Beauty industry through the US Personal Care Products Council.

5. Can you specify which countries require animal testing?

As an individual corporation doing business responsibly around the world, Avon does not believe it is in a position to call out specific countries and governments. However, this information is available through various animal rights organizations such as the Humane Society and PETA.

6. I am opposed to animal testing. Can I still use Avon products with confidence?

You can be confident that Avon shares your commitment. Opposition to animal testing and respect for animal welfare has been a cornerstone of Avon’s product safety program since 1989. Avon does not conduct nor request animal testing, and Avon continues to actively work to advance the use of alternatives to animal testing worldwide. As noted, in 2011 less than 0.3% of our approximately 9,000 products were impacted by the government product testing requirements in a few markets, which is not part of Avon’s safety substantiation process. Our shared goal is to permanently end all requirements for animal testing wherever they exist, around the world.
For inquiries about the safety of Avon products, please contact avoncr@avon.com.

~*~

And  now, for a little humor to lighten the mood because being marvelous I like to put my mood back up on the happy rails.  DISCLAIMER: It is NOT meant to offend  my vegan friends, if you opt not to eat meat for ANY reason that is your right and I fully support you on that. It’s funny, laugh about it, like I, a natural blond, laugh at a good blond joke.  And my Catholic friends laugh at the definition of LENT: Separation of church and steak.

What I DO NOT support is when PETA comes blowing into town and tries to strong arm a local fuel company.  This company sells fuels, including gas for our gas grills.  PETA threatened this company that if they did not stop selling the gas for those of us that like to grill, because they know we are grilling up meat, that PETA would picket them.  This company purchased these shirts for their employees to wear that day.  They are for sale at the company.  I applaud them for not backing down.

On Your Mark, Get Set….Naaaa…

Feb22

Coming out of the ‘crazy time’, per the book I was reading and have referenced in previous blogs, I thought perhaps I was finally ready to try out relationships again.  By that I mean relationships now that I’ve gotten past the rebound, and the nice-guy-darn-he-is-married, and last but not least, to borrow the Super Hero’s term, the bat-shit crazy (ie: The Count) guy.  Having gone through my various stages of grief of my marriage, the wacked out crazy time stuff, and the relationships mentioned, I thought MAYBE I was ready to find Mr. Right.

I was Miss WRONG!

It isn’t that I don’t want to be special to someone, or have someone special in my life.  But I’m not craving that either.  It certainly sounds nice and all, but….

Getting hurt does not concern me, pain is a part of life.  You cannot love and expect to go without being hurt.  I’ve had my heart broken plenty of times, some just cracks, and obviously the ex husband completely shattered it.  But I am healed and I know that it is likely that it will be broken again.  That doesn’t ‘scare’ me.  What I am fearful of is hurting someone else.  I do not ever want to cause that kind of pain to another human being.  I hurt just to breathe when my marriage ended.  Thinking hurt, being asleep hurt, being awake hurt.  I was half out of my mind in pain I never imagined was possible.  It was like a death, I went through the various stages…but this is worse. It is far worse to see him with someone else when he was the center of my world.  I will never stop loving him.  No, it is not the same by any stretch, but it is still more painful than I could ever have imagined.  When I said “I do” I meant for life, forever, and nothing  could have prepared me for the raw pain of being rejected by him.  Yes, I did indeed dance on the edge of insanity.  I see that now.  I stopped crying long ago, and can now, because I do love him, really FEEL happy for him that he has found someone to make him happy.  But knowing what that did to me makes it hard for me to imagine allowing myself to ever love or be loved like that.  I cannot begin to fathom hurting another person that way.

Superhero, Mr. Wonderful, and The Count all were a huge part of the healing process that I now can see as I look back.  But they were not my forever love.  The first two, once they moved through their own crazy times, well I’d not turn them down, The Count is the only one I know for sure is a no-way-in-hell potential.  He is potential hell on this earth, and a totally dodged bullet that I was too stupid and blind to see, but the other two, well the timing was just all wrong.  Who knows what another place in time might have been?  I remain friends with them both and would have their back without a second thought.

But back to the topic at hand…I thought I was ready to go forward. Even had a potential, let’s see where it goes and just let it unfold type relationship.  But I cannot bring myself to go there.

I want to stand completely on my own. Be my own person, financially, mentally and emotionally independent.  I want to make all of my own decisions, come and go as I please, answer to no one but myself.  I want to pursue my faith and get back where I belong there, I want to go places, see things, do things that I want to do.   I don’t want to worry if it is going to upset someone else if I jump on the back of Mr. Wonderful’s bike and we head out for a few hours to let the stress blow off.  Or have to cover if I chose to go spend the night sleeping next to someone that makes me feel safe and secure, who holds me and touches me like I’m special to them.  I don’t want anyone to even ask where I was, or who I was with, or where I am going or why.

I don’t want to hide from love or run from it, I don’t want to look for it.  I don’t want to be IN it.

I just, for once in  my life, want to be ME.  No more  (fill in the blank) and Marti.  I just want to be MARTI.  Marvelous, crazy, quirky, fun, happy 99.9% of the time, maybe once in a blue moon sad, sometimes a few pounds over  my ideal weight, sometimes a few more than that but never with anyone’s critique, spontaneous, predictable, perfectly imperfect ME.  The only engine running on this race track, the only act in this circus, being MINE.  No risking anyone’s heart including my own.  Just LIVING.

My Life Is One Big Slumper Party

Feb19

MY life is one big slumber party.  I just realized that laying in bed this morning debating getting up.  I really have a great, FUN life!

For years, while married, I was just a tiny bit envious at times of my baby sister.  I had a great life, good marriage, fantastic husband, great kids, nice house with a pool and hot tub, nice cars etc.  We weren’t rich but we certainly were comfortably blessed.  I had a great job, good medical insurance, and my husband could fix just about anything that broke or needed tweaking.  There was a very sweet contentment in my life. Don’t get me wrong, it was not perfect by any stretch but I honestly had little I could complain about.  At the top of the hill, when all was ‘good’ or so I thought, my sister had one thing I did not have….mom.  She and her two girls were living with my mom.

I think I can safely speak for all of my siblings when I say we are close to my mom.  For myself, I talked to her just about every day if not on the phone, via text.  I was raised by a mom that had a father who taught the value of family.  My gramps was the best in my opinion.  He taught all of us growing up that no matter what we lost in life, if we had our family we had everything.  I would learn that lesson many times over starting in my teens.  Family doesn’t have to agree with you, in fact they’ll often be the first to tell you what an idiot you are, but they still stand behind you and love you through support.  Or they should.  If they don’t, I honestly think you might want to trade them in for a new one.  Too bad you cannot do that!

Long ago it used to be quite the norm as the kids came along, grandma and grandpa were close by, if not living with one of their children, taking care of the little ones.  Families farmed, or held jobs ‘in town’.  There were no daycare centers and moms worked at home.  And it was work!  Everything was done by hand in the old days.  Grandma and grandpa helped out and families were much closer geographically as a means of survival.  Kids KNEW they grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.  Sure, many will make remarks now about “Oh, he is 53 and lives with his mother…” and I think, yeah? So???  Maybe it is necessary for both to have a comfortable life, or maybe he is a mama’s boy and a loser.  Whatever the story he is fortunate enough to still share life with his mom.  And that is how I viewed my sister.  She had a fantastic job, made great money, and she got to share life with my mom.  I know, it was not all coming up roses, the girls were teens and 4 females under one roof spells DRAMA anyway you slice it.

2 years ago I was spending every available moment over at my mom’s house with her, my sister and my nieces.  I was about a month into accepting that my husband wanted out off the marriage and the plan was for me to move out.  In hind sight there are a few things I would change about my divorce agreement…like since he was getting ALL the toys, the house, pool, hot tub etc, that he took ALL of the debt.  I had no way to see down the road that I’d end up laid off from another job and the other company would go under, and that finding work in this economy is damn near impossible.  My credit is shot to hell because I just cannot quite make ends meet at the moment, having lost 3 of the little ones I was babysitting because I don’t (and won’t) take vouchers.  It sucks.  But I’m hijacking my blog, back on topic.  The Divas had determined I was moving in with them, and the hunt had transpired for a house suited to all 5 of us.  Who knew the  second house we looked at was our dream house. It was one of those that, had I gotten bored and went a looked at houses while happily married, I would have wanted a reason to own it, it is such a cool house.  So, 2 years ago today we were all sitting around mom’s table on a Sunday afternoon just dreaming that all the pieces were going to fall into place and we’d get the house.  And we did!

Fast forward and welcome to our ongoing slumber party.

No one that heard what our plan was thought this had a chance of working out, but inside me somewhere I knew it would.  Maybe it was the one night 2 years ago when I left my mom’s to go home (I had to text them when I was in safely), and when I was crawling into my bed, the big one I had shared with hubby that I now slept in alone, I was sad and lonely until I received a text from my youngest niece.  It said, “Don’t lose your green card, we want you back!”.  It made me laugh and cry all at the same time.  I felt wanted at a time when I was feeling humiliated, rejected and worthless.

The past 2 years in this house (our 2 year anniversary of the official establishment of the Diva Den/Estrogen Central is 5/1/12)  has been FUN!  Really, most days we laugh a LOT.  Laughter is healing, trust me on this.  I noticed there is an over all JOY in this house.  My daughter loves coming over to visit because she laughs til her mascara is running down her cheeks.  Drama happens, but very, very rarely.  I’ve lost my temper, sure, 3 times.  Once with my sister, twice with my niece.  That tells me something when I know the number of times.  It may sound like a lot until you break it down, that in 630 days, give or take a few, I’ve lost my cool 3 times.   The two nieces are good for driving each other bonkers and some drama, but not often and usually not much at all.  Mostly, this house, this HOME, is filled with JOY.  We all love the house itself, it just is awesome.  And we all enjoy each other.

We stay up late some nights, like little girls at a sleep over, watching TV, talking and laughing.  We enjoy mornings on the weekends of extended coffee drinking with bed-head and jammies.  We support each other, hug each other, eat meals together, break into song and dance together, tease each other, and laugh together, a LOT.  We help each other, cry together over chick flick moments on TV, encourage or discourage each other as needed, and help each other out when money is tight.  A need was there that turned out to be the greatest of blessings.  When I was shattered emotionally and mentally at the end of the marriage, I was wrapped in the protective love of the women in my family.  I was able to heal with on site support.  We’re the true “girls next door” and we’re one big ole laughing, good time!

And the best part is that I get to live with my mom.  I’m not embarrassed to say it at all, I am about to turn 49 in 88 or so days, and I live with my mom.  And my sister and one of my nieces (one has since moved out on her own to be closer to school and work).  I get to tap into her wisdom, live, laugh and love with her, and enjoy moments that I’d have never had if my life and not taken the turn it did 2 years ago.  I’m not content, I AM HAPPY!

Here is a little treat, what happened in the middle of playing Farkle on Christmas night at the Diva Den. Featuring my sister, nieces, and my daughter.  It is pretty typical of the fun we have on a daily basis (mostly without the beer).  A song comes on and suddenly everyone has a spontaneous sing along. Though we don’t often need the song on the radio, we just kinda break into song because our life is like a very bizarre musical some days:

Late Night Flight Of The Nose Moth

Feb13

Last night I put my sorry butt in bed at 9:30, loaded for bear on Mucinex DM and 2 beers.  Might as well make those strange, drug induced dreams more fun, right?  In addition to this cold that has come back. Again. For. The. Fourth. Time.  I am also in the midst of menopausal like crap of keeping vampire hours, hot flashes and night sweats.  Picture this:  me, in a long sleeved white t-shirt, red fleece jammie bottoms, lime green sport bra, no makeup because I use a skin care regimen and wash my face nightly, nose running off my face, lip balm on the end of my nose to aid in easing raw spots from blowing my snot filled nasal passages clear, sweating from the INSIDE out now and then and I know, I’m one sexy, hot mess right now!  The final touch of this “I’m sexy and I know it” visual, a nasal strip to help open those nostrils up to function as they are meant too…for BREATHING!  No hating ladies, I know you are jealous of this seductive, sassy look, and men are holding themselves back.  What can I say, when ya got it, flaunt it baby! (Admit it, all you boys are dying to curl up next to this hot mama)

I usually turn on my electric blanket before bed to warm up the sheets.  Last night I was actually cold when I went to bed so I did just that, but on low so as to only keep the chill out.  I left the comforter over the blanket, hopefully not some fire hazard as I think I have enough excitement in my life to dodge without adding to it my big, lumpy, lily white ass hanging over a firefighters shoulder, being carried down a ladder from my bedroom window, those sexy jammie pants half burned off of me.  I turned on the Sound Scapes channel on Music Choice on my television.  This provides a bit of ambient light to the room, and some soft, yet sometimes strange, music to lull me to sleep.  My cat seems to come under the spell of the music, as she is curled up, head upside-down on the end of the bed.  She kinda looked like road kill, contorted position, eyes partially open and all.  That probably should have served as a warning but under this spicy, auburn do there are natural blond roots.

I slipped into the hug of my sheets, blanket and comforter, turned off the light and wrapped around my teddy bear.  Just as I was about to drift off to sleep I started coughing, my throat irritated from the crap running out of my head.  SIGH…damn water bottle is empty.  I crawl back out, head to the kitchen and fill my water bottle back up then go back and repeat the entry mode to the bed.  Thankfully  teddy bears never complain, they are the perfect man to sleep with, girls.  No rude pokes in the back when you snore, no comments about your morning breath because they cannot smell it.  And they never wake up wanting a  little ‘some some’ when you look like the Swamp Thing and have the muck mouth to confirm your origins.  Mine tells me I look gorgeous no matter what I might resemble.

Any strange dreams I had during the night were not noted so I don’t remember them other than knowing they were odd.  I was not about to take time to jot a note in my phone memo pad and risk waking up just enough to not go back to sleep.  I drifted back out to la-la land to the chanting in a piece playing on the music channel that I vaguely recall thinking  it sounded something like a witch doctor summoning demonic apparitions in the jungle but that is as much as I retained.  And  that very well could have been my cat stretching, yawning a meow and repositioning on the bed, hard to be certain.

I thought for sure I would get a great night of rest, but my vampire hours returned at 3:03am.

Vampires wake slowly from their slumber, trust me I know this as I am, it would seem, of that species.  I’m a hybrid, however, I don’t have fangs and I don’t need blood to survive, but I do have the up all night and way pale complexion of the dead features.  If you’ve ever read a truly good book about them (try Christine Feehan’s Dark Series) you know that vampires sleep the sleep of the dead.  Ask my ex-husband, he’ll tell you I sleep like a corpse.  You can stick your foot in my back and shove me out of the bed to the floor and I will go right on snoring.  Just like a Carpathian gone to ground, no heart beating, lifeless and all.  It’s a special super power of mine.

Shortly after 3am, just like life beginning to flow through the body of the fanged ones, from deep within my body it started, heat like the life force of blood, from my core it oozed outward toward the surface.  I woke very slowly, as those that sleep like the dead do, vaguely aware of the chanting again in another song (I really need to switch stations, those voices and the chimes gotta go).  Before I even opened my eyes I became aware of the cause of my arousal from my nightmares in Dawn of The Living Dead Land, night sweats.  Beads of moisture were starting to form around the backs of my knees, neck, in the bend of my elbows and along my hair line.  And like the blood suckers looking for a dark cave at sunrise, I sought after the cold spots in my bed where my now over heated body had not been laying.  I flipped over the pillows going for the cool, other side against my face.  Beads of sweat started running between my boobs, (there is that sexy stuff again, damn I’m something) and down the small of my back.  I pushed the covers all off, laying there in the t-shirt and bra, hair growing damp and cursing under my breath at the cat who meowed protest at the covers landing on her.

It was about this time I became aware of the Nose Moth.

You will recall that I went to bed wearing a nasal strip to assist my ability to breathe.  Under normal circumstances, trying to remove one of these contraptions will result in the first layer of skin going with it.  However it would seem that cement they call adhesive is no match for the perspiration from night sweats.  Little by little I could feel the strip releasing itself from the sides of my nose, almost in an identical pattern on either side.  It kinda tickled which made me wiggle  my nose a bit, only helping to free the ends.  Suddenly it ‘popped’ and the little strips, like delicate wings carried it upward, with a majestic arc into the air it flew, on it’s first and last flight, the nose moth.  OH the beauty of what happens in the dark of night.  Okay so it more or less plopped off my nose and onto the black pillow case next to my face, but it sounds so much better the other way, don’t you think?  After that it did in fact fly, because I flicked it off the pillow and onto the vanity, causing the cat to get up and go investigate to see what had just landed there and if it was edible.

I gave up sleeping at that point, wandered to the bathroom and back, then checked Facebook, Twitter and a few other social media addictions before I settled in to watch the clock tick off the next few hours, with damp, matted hair, damp t-shirt and bra, and now clogged nasal passages.

I’m sexy and I know it! jiggle jiggle jiggle jiggle jiggle yeah! (FYI fat doesn’t wiggle, it jiggles)

Meet Me On Monday

Feb13

It’s been several weeks since Java at Never Growing Old posted a set of Meet Me on Monday questions, but we’ve been missing it – so Acting Balanced decided to resurrect the idea and starting today she’ll be posting 5 questions on Sunday evening along with a linky for you to link up your post answers!

Here are today’s Questions:
1. Are you planning anything for Valentine’s Day?
2. What song automatically popped into your head when you saw this question?
3. What did you have for breakfast today?
4. Where do you keep your keys?
5. Who was your favorite teacher from when you were in school? 

Answer them on your blog and link up!

Acting Balanced

1.  Are you planning anything for Valentine’s Day?

That would be a huge NO!  I jokingly refer to it as ‘Single Awareness Day’ and think it is a nothing but a big scam by greeting card and candy companies. It is also a guilt driven reason to show some token of affection, which I wrote about last year in my post, My Favorite Valentine Tradition.  I don’t want, need or even appreciate anything on that day from anyone professing to love me.  Do it another day when the rest of the world isn’t, because you thought of me and wanted me to know you love me.  If you do it for Valentine’s Day, then I cannot help but believe that is the reason you did anything, out of fear of being a dolt and not because there is a true desire to show affection.

2.  What song automatically popped into your head when you saw this question?

Seriously, some dumb song I cannot even sing more than a line or two of because that is all I know, from a goofy animated, singing thing we found at Walgreen’s.  I was out shopping with my sister and I happened upon it.  I suggested my brother needed this at the firehouse to amuse himself and the other firefighters.  Here is a small video clip of the insanity that I took before we dropped it off to him at work yesterday.

3.  What did you have for breakfast today?

Nothing yet other than coffee.  It is only 7:08 and I rarely eat at this hour.  I need to be up a few hours before I can handle food.

4.  Where do you keep your keys?

I keep my keys in my car.  I park in the garage so I see no reason to take them out of the car or then I never seem to be able to locate them!

5.  Who was your favorite teacher from when you were in school?

Mr. Peter from English I and later Creative Writing when in high school.  He always challenged us and he and I would go head to head now and then.  I actually learned much about myself as a person thanks to him those two classes.

My Vampire Nights

Feb12

My sister-in-law, Trina, refers to those nights when you just cannot sleep as a vampire night.  Menopause seems to bring with it an entire phase of nights of the living dead.  It is just stupid ridiculous.  Lately,  that is right where I am too, awake far more than I am asleep and getting paler by the day (thanks to not tanning for several years now), and with this short crop of spiky, auburn hair I’m looking the part too. 

If that isn’t bad enough I’m starting on round 4 of some sort of cold type bug that leaves one coughing, sneezing like it’s my job and I’m working on a bonus check, and just feeling run down.  This not sleeping crap along with it makes for a tired Marvelous one.  The only thing that really works over night is Mucinex DM, which when I do sleep gives me off the wall nightmares.  Like last night’s, for example.  In one I was married again, to the ex-husband.  Not sure who that would be the true nightmare for, since he released me to pursue a better opportunity.  He DID repair my car in the dream, but I won’t go any further down that road.  I also had a wretched nightmare that I was married to The Count.  Being married to him is, quite frankly, more frightening to ponder than being again bound to the ex husband.  I’d far rather be back with my ex, if forced to chose, than the hell that would be in living as the wife of that control freak.  And in the dream, or rather vivid nightmare, he was indeed a living hell.  I woke from my sleep both times wishing that this medication that is so good at hitting my symptoms didn’t come with such a crappy side effect.

I slept, over all, 10 hours last night.  I did wake up a few times but was able to drift back to scary dream land fairly easily.  Exhaustion will do that, though hopefully it simply means my latest vampire phase is over for now.  Meanwhile I have again purchased a ticket on the Dreams From The Darkness Express for tonight.  Lucky me.  I should have interesting tales to share that my subconscious weaves through the night.

This all brought back to me the fact that I had stumbled on an old Facebook ID I used for playing Vampire Wars.  I needed more team members but didn’t want to let every Tom, Dick and Harry on my friend’s list so I had a bogus ID just for games.  The only ‘blond’ avatar option in the game had long blond hair.  I had short, spiky blond so I didn’t care for it and made my character the auburn look.  Now? That fits me perfectly as the hair looks a good deal like mine.  How dang appropriate!   So, as I head off on the nightmare train, hopefully I will find restful sleep and not be back in my vampire phase tonight.  But just in case, here is the look I’d be sporting if I were among the ‘undead’ of the night.

Fairy Who?

Feb11

This has been a really busy, trying week.

First – I’ve changed the 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks to simply Reasons Being Single Rocks.  Not that I cannot come up with 365, there are 365 days in a year, 366 this year, and every day I have a reason why I am glad I am single!  But I don’t always have time to post so it’s better to be able to not keep it to a post a day. But don’t worry I have plenty more coming that will likely exceed 365 as time goes on.

That book, Crazy Time, is awesome!  The more I read the more I see how normal I was throughout the entire process, and how I’m not quite at the end of things just yet.  It has been such a help and supportive to me in my decision to not date this whole year.

My car is…well I don’t know to be honest.  At the moment a choice selection of obscenities comes to mind but that won’t fix anything.  And I’m no mechanic.  Seeings as how the ex husband released me to move on to another opportunity*, and I have no desire any longer to pursue another opportunity, my car is going to be sitting there for a bit.  I have no idea what is wrong with it and don’t really have time or the funds at the moment to mess with it.

The auto issue IS a sticky one, as I was about to start working part time an evening or two a week for a friend in their office catching up their filing that is well very behind and some other miscellaneous office work.  As I lack the transportation to get there…yeah. FAIL!  However this simply means the Lord has something better in mind for me so I’m thanking Him now for that lost opportunity and waiting on what He has in store.

Meanwhile I’m waiting for my fangs to grow.  I am having such a difficult time with sleep lately.  I go to bed exhausted, sleep deep, then wake up a few hours later, in the middle of the night, and cannot get back to sleep.  When I finally do drift off I’m not snoozing deeply and wake up over and over every 20 minutes or so.  My sister-in-law, Trina, refers to these as our vampire phases.  If I’m going to go through a vampire phase, then I want my fangs and the very cool, sexy black clothing.  It’s only fair.

My “One Word” for this year is JOY.  Finding JOY in all things, God first and every person and situation in my life.  Believe it or not, I just kinda rolled with it when the car became an issue.  WOW, really? Okay whatever, next!  I amaze even myself at the way I am rolling with the punches.

I signed a new recruit today, that excited me a great deal.  My goal is to have 100 in my first generation of my down-line by the end of this year.  I currently have 14 with this recruit.  28 total in my 3 generations but I want 100 in the first.  It means I have a lot of work to do.  I need to sign 5 recruits per campaign between now and the end of the year, and really more than that as some will drop off.  SO if you are thinking about becoming an Avon representative, now is a great time to contact me!  Even if you are not in the area, I can still sign you up on my team and train you no matter where you are, thanks to technology!

My son is getting married in just over a month, I still have to find a dress (don’t panic anyone, can you say resale shop or rental? yes I mean that).  I have to fund half of the rehearsal dinner too, a little more difficult as I have no sugar daddy but I’ll manage it.  Meanwhile feel free to help a sister out and buy some Avon!  Seriously it does help me a lot.  If you are local (within the 275 loop) I’ll gladly deliver!  Others enjoy the opportunity to shop with me online!  Your business is very much appreciated. :)

Has anyone seen my Fairy God-Mother?  She is obviously incompetent and I have her pink slip waiting for her.

Guess if I want something done right, I’m going to have to slap on my tiara and wings and go do it myself! ;)

*I must thank my Avon idol, Lisa Wilber, for that description of divorce, it cracks me up and sounds so much nicer than saying that the *&^%$# booted this princess from the castle.

Why Not YOU?

Feb10

We all need it, mad money.  That little bit of extra cash that allows us to buy lunch out at the office now and then, go out for a drink at happy hour, or to a matinee on the weekend.  Maybe you need it to take the kids to dinner or an  indoor water park on a snowy day.  Or maybe you need more than that, you need a part time income to supplement your family budget.  After all, many workers haven’t seen a raise in a few years and things are getting tighter by the day.  Maybe, like me, you lost your job when the economy tanked and need a full time income.

Why not try Avon?  Why NOT you, and why NOT today?

Save money on childcare by being HOME while you work to build your own business.  Set you own hours, be your own boss.

Alcohol, tobacco and cosmetics were the things during the depression that INCREASED in sales.  In every bad economy those things are on the rise.  We gals can live with being poor, but we’re going to look darn good doing it!  And when money is tight people change their spending habits.  Avon offers quality products in cosmetics, jewelry, fashion, every day, bath and body and more, that are top of the line.  They can do everything those expensive department store brands can for a considerable savings.  Don’t be mistaken, higher price does not mean better quality.  And with Avon, your customers have the convenience of shopping from their seat and not their feet.

You earn 20-50% commission based on your sales, so you can make as little or as much as you want.  Even if you just purchased your family’s needs (bath products, hair care, cosmetics, lotions/moisturizers) you’d have enough in sales to get quite a commission!  Our sales are always outstanding in the brochures, and as an independent sales  representative for Avon you would be getting those great sale items at an additional 20-50% savings!

$10-$20 to start, and that is ALL you need.  That small fee ($10 if you are local to me, $20 if you sign up online) gets you everything you need to launch your very own at-home business.  There is a wonderful amount of online training (free!) and you would be in my downline so you would get lots of help and training from me as well.  I use Skype to connect with my out of the area team members and for them to be able to attend the team meetings every 2 weeks!  With Avon you truly are in business for yourself, but not  by yourself.

I am always looking for ambitious men and women (some of our top sellers are men!) to join my team.  Why not you, why NOT today?

To join my team and start working for yourself, just go to START AVON and sign up with the code:  MARTIGARDNER

You will receive everything you need in 5-7 days to begin working for yourself.

Skeptical?  I’ve met those women making 6 figures in Avon.  Just check out Barb Avery, her and her husband got there in less than 2 years!  Watch her video on her site, “Our Story” for how they did it.  YOU can do this too!

Sign up today and join my team, I’d love to have YOU!

Dermatologist Recommends Avon Product On Dr. Oz

Feb10

Dr. Oz had on a dermatologist Thursday that recommended one of Avon’s products, Anew Clinical Advanced Retexturizing Peel for fighting wrinkles!  She said it is similar to what she uses in her office but obviously far more affordable through your Avon representative.

She most likely was unaware, since these shows are filmed in advance, of the new products we have now on the market, Anew Clinical Resurfacing Expert Smoothing Fluid!  The peel is once a week to twice a week, but the Resurfacing Fluid is a daily (evening and morning) product.

Nothing beats a dermatologist recommending the product, right?  I’ve linked the video so you can see it for yourself.  NOTE:  Anew Eye Genics is coming out in campaign 7, that will do amazing things for your eyes.  Also, our Anew Clinical Eye Lift Pro is an inexpensive alternative to a surgical eye lift and really works! I use it daily AM/PM along with the Genics Eye Cream.

Shop my online store for these products and more, and remember orders ship FREE if they are $30 or more!  Be sure to register your email address to receive sales notices and specials that are sometimes only available to our email subscribers!!!

Video Link To The Dr. Oz feature of Avon Clinical Advanced Retexturizing Peel

Here is a review by a makeup artist of this product as well!

Crazy Vindication!!!

Feb6

Yesterday I wrote some about a book I’m reading, Crazy Time – Surviving Divorce and Building A New Life.  It IS a fantastic book.  The book goes into the unspoken, marriage contract all people make, as to who will be the dominant and who will be the submissive in the relationship.  The problem comes when things deadlock and there is no seesaw of that dominance.  Seems most never realize that is the issue.

It is not to be mistaken for CONTROL.  I openly admit I was the more dominant person in my second marriage, most likely because my ex was used to a very strong mother so he was seeking, unconsciously, a strong woman in a wife.  Guess he got more than he bargained for, as he is a bit of a control freak.  But that is how he survived his mother, a familiar dance to him in life so I guess that is why he sought out me.  I was definitely more dominant but he held the control.  He controlled the money, insisted on a clean home with a place for everything and everything in its place.  His way was the ‘correct’ way to clean the bathroom, etc, regardless of the outcome being the same no matter what method was used to achieve it.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking this in that it worked for us.  Trust me, you could eat off our garage floor if that was your desire, the man was wicked awesome when it came to neat, clean and tidy.  But what did not work was the deadlock in our relationship over time with no give on EITHER side of the equation.  I am painted the bad guy, the cause of the divorce (never mind it takes 2 to make it work or fail), but I have big shoulders and the more I learn about me, the more I am more than willing to carry that blame.  I have strong shoulders and  not denying my part  in it all.

The great part about the book is it points out, there is no ‘blame’,  no assholes, no bitches.  Reality is it deadlocks and it is a rare couple that seems to adjust the dominance between them as needed.  As  couples grow and change the distribution of the dominance never changes and that is the issue when it all fails.  Neither side is able to adjust for the growth.  Especially the dominant partner, they don’t handle the other person changing on them very well.  And that would be me.  I did not handle the growth and changes in my husband at all.  Oh I wish I had known of this book when I got married, might have saved the relationship.

But that is not the topic I wanted to talk about today.  I want to talk about the MAIN focus of this book, the ‘crazy time’ both sides will go through after the marriage is over.  It starts at the the time of separation and typically, per countless therapists, lasts around 2 years.  Crazy time is just that, CRAZY!

Dominant folks like myself get very angry and are subject to bizarre behavior.  We are in complete denial that there was something wrong with the marriage and the divorce takes us completely by surprise.  The other party, the submissive, has been plotting and planning, building up strength for some time, to exit the marriage.   Often it is associated with an affair, called “the marriage breaking affair”.  The dominant may never know about the affair, but it is the betrayal that is the beginning of the split.  The cheater is building up their strength through an outside source, to pack it up and end the marriage. When they finally end the marriage, at the confrontation, the dominant person is caught off guard.  And believe me this is all a script for things with my marriage.  I did not see this coming at all.  The final two years were the best it had ever been in my opinion.  Far less fighting and tension.  Then again, the ‘submissive’ partner was taking on more and more hours at the firehouse and more landscaping accounts.  I now understand it was to be away from me so he could prepare to end things, and that is why it was quieter.  I cannot find fault in him for that, he had no idea how to adjust things either!  I had lost my job and the final 2 years I was unemployed.  I changed and he couldn’t handle the person I became as I mourned the loss of my job.  Losing a job, especially one you were at a long time (26yrs for me) is like a death.  You go through all the same stages of grief and I was busy doing just that.  As I was coming out of that 2 year crazy time, I got slapped with the divorce and got to go through the whole ‘death’ thing all over again.  It’s a wonder I didn’t act on the fantasies of running his ass over!

Being dominant means denial at first.  Then the anger sets in accompanied by bizarre behavior.   Some even carry it too far and that is when the dominant partner might go as far as to kill their ex.  Most never carry out their vivid fantasies of revenge, but seems some will.  However the feelings and frustrations, the desire to ruin the other party, is perfectly normal.  And the off the wall behavior, like lashing out irrationally in my blog, or getting totally plowed drunk with my son, was completely ordinary.  Submissives go through that strange behavior too, doing things they never really did before.  My ex played soccer all of a sudden with the girl I believe was the marriage breaking affair, if not physically at least on heart and mind level.  In 23 years together, 22 of those married, he had never expressed any desire to play soccer.  I wasn’t there to see it but I’ve heard he did his share of ‘crazy’ stuff too.  More power to him.  We were being ‘normal’.  He  didn’t care for my insanity and made that known and even told me others thought I was a nut case.  I laugh out loud now, because yes indeed, I was acting like a nut case!  A perfectly normal, ordinary response in our situation.  I feel vindicated!  And hey, I didn’t run him down, shoot him, stalk him or try to destroy him.  I stayed on the edge of the cliff.

I am just past 2 years from being told we were done.  May 1st marks the 2 year anniversary of my exiting the marital residence and our separation leading up to the divorce.  The divorce was final in August that year.  So, I am nearing the end of the typical 2 years it takes to work through the crazy time.  Over all I’ve done well, and gone through the stages of grief.  I knew I had arrived in a better place and was past it when I recently saw a photo of my ex and his new love, and I smiled!  I actually realized I was happy for him.  He didn’t have that Walter (Jeff Dunham puppet) scowl on his face, it was a genuine HAPPY smile!  At the same time I noticed I was feeling relief that I am NOT attached or in love.   The Count was the breaking of my own deadlock I was still carrying around for my marriage.  I feel gloriously independent, enjoying soaring in the sky and flying free.  It’s so exciting, exhilarating and scary all that  same time!

But more on all of that tomorrow.

If you are going through a divorce, or contemplating one, or just passed one…heck if you are about to get married, PLEASE read this book.  It has been so very helpful for me to realize I wasn’t losing my mind, I was sailing through very normal waters.

#37 ~ 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks

Feb6

Remote Wars

#37

Never having to fight over the TV remote.

No one comes in and says something rude like “OMG you aren’t really watching THIS are you?”

No one picks up the remote during your show, or favorite commercial and changes the channel.

No need to hide the remote or remove the batteries.

It’s all yours!

I could only find the photo, not the place to actually order this adorable, universal remote. But I want one!

Mary Oliver’s The Journey

Feb5

I stumbled on this poem today, and recognized me in there.  Thought I would share it in light of my earlier post and my decision to live 2012 for ME.

 

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice–
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do–
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Mary Oliver

#36 ~ 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks

Feb5

Quality

#36

Your quality of life is your own to determine. As the quote below says, no one to lean on, rely on or blame.

I like that the most right now about being single, it is MY life.  All about ME.

I make no apologies to anyone anymore.

I no longer have to make excuses to anyone for who and what I am.

It is my life, and right now it is amazing as I discover who I am beneath all the layers of what others thought I should be.

And I am pretty darn special!

Crazy Time Coffee Musings

Feb5

Yesterday I started getting caught up on my reading.  I’ve only about 50 books added to my Kindle that are waiting for me to read them.  Mostly business related items, like Napoleon Hill’s Think And Grow Rich.   It  is one of the most recommended books by very successful direct marketers so I’m reading it.  But I took a break from it to start a recommended book on divorce, Crazy Time -Surviving Divorce And Building A New Life by Abigail Trafford.  Sadly that one is not available on Kindle so I’m having to read it the old fashioned way, and from the library.  But I am hooked in it and finding things that really do make sense as to why my marriage failed.  And my brother’s marriage…and every other marriage I know of that has ended.  Affairs are only symptoms, which I knew, of the issues within the marriage, like the deadlock power struggle.

It has made me sit back and really look again at what went wrong.  I’ve admitted before, I am a strong personality and a force to be reckoned with if I’m pissed off.  In the past I was good for firing off with both barrels and a back up round and leaving emotional and mental debris scattered around me.  I also, as my ex pointed out to me in a text last night, always had to be right.  No matter what, to the point of raising my voice to talk over someone to prove I was right.  Frankly, pretty often though not always, I was right.  But that isn’t the point, the point is I really did  have some issues.  Thanks to Lexapro I see that more clearly.  However it does not mean that I don’t express disdain, dislike, and flat out hatred.  It just means that I can now do that without ripping out someone’s jugular to do it.  Now, I can let  you know precisely how I feel, in a calm, even very quiet tone of voice, minus the mean and hateful words, and all with a smile on my face.

I took a DISC assessment personality test sometime back when my sister was still working for a local company.  I learned what I probably already knew, I’m a dominant personality, a D-I per this test.  Dominance with Influence to be exact.  Here is the general breakdown per Wikipedia (my characteristics are changed to red font to make a point):

quote:

The assessments classify four aspects of behavior by testing a person’s preferences in word associations (compare with Myers-Briggs Type Indicator). DISC is an acronym for:

  • Dominance – relating to control, power and assertiveness
  • Influence – relating to social situations and communication
  • Steadiness (submission in Marston’s time) – relating to patience, persistence, and thoughtfulness
  • Compliance[2] (or caution, compliance in Marston’s time) – relating to structure and organization

These four dimensions can be grouped in a grid with “D” and “I” sharing the top row and representing extroverted aspects of the personality, and “C” and “S” below representing introverted aspects. “D” and “C” then share the left column and represent task-focused aspects, and “I” and “S” share the right column and represent social aspects. In this matrix, the vertical dimension represents a factor of “Assertive” or “Passive”, while the horizontal dimension represents “Open” vs. “Guarded”.[3]

  • Dominance: People who score high in the intensity of the “D” styles factor are very active in dealing with problems and challenges, while low “D” scores are people who want to do more research before committing to a decision. High “D” people are described as demanding, forceful, egocentric, strong willed, driving, determined, ambitious, aggressive, and pioneering. Low D scores describe those who are conservative, low keyed, cooperative, calculating, undemanding, cautious, mild, agreeable, modest and peaceful.
  • Influence:People with high “I” scores influence others through talking and activity and tend to be emotional. They are described as convincing, magnetic, political, enthusiastic, persuasive, warm, demonstrative, trusting, and optimistic. Those with low “I” scores influence more by data and facts, and not with feelings. They are described as reflective, factual, calculating, skeptical, logical, suspicious, matter of fact, pessimistic, and critical.
  • Steadiness: People with high “S” styles scores want a steady pace, security, and do not like sudden change. High “S” individuals are calm, relaxed, patient, possessive, predictable, deliberate, stable, consistent, and tend to be unemotional and poker faced. Low “S” intensity scores are those who like change and variety. People with low “S” scores are described as restless, demonstrative, impatient, eager, or even impulsive.
  • Compliance: People with high “C” styles adhere to rules, regulations, and structure. They like to do quality work and do it right the first time. High “C” people are careful, cautious, exacting, neat, systematic, diplomatic, accurate, and tactful. Those with low “C” scores challenge the rules and want independence and are described as self-willed, stubborn, opinionated, unsystematic, arbitrary, and unconcerned with details.

end quote

When I first took this test I admit I wasn’t really happy with the outcome.  That D part of me doesn’t exactly sound flattering.  But then over time I came to embrace it…it is after all who I am.  One cannot change that about themselves.  But what I can do is learn to channel those things more carefully by being aware of my personality strengths.  And they are strengths.  I’m very open and assertive, which is why I dislike the term survivor being applied to me in anyway, I am NOT a passive individual.  And I am proud of that.

The trouble with us DI types is that we tend to bowl over others to reach our goals.  We don’t mean to hurt anyone but it happens because we ARE driven and aggressive.  I’m learning to dig my heels in with my mouth shut but it will take time.  I think the ex thinks taking a pill is going to CHANGE my personality and make  me some kind of Glinda the good witch, all fairy godmother like, or Melanie Hamilton.  Sorry sweetie, but I am who I am.  No pill is going to do that.  I’m a good person, with a heart of gold, but I when I want something I push until I get it.  He wanted a Melanie Hamilton, but married Scarlett O’Hara.

Back to the book.  It talks about the fact that there needs to be a seesaw of control/dominance in the marriage, a partnership.  But people tend to deadlock.  We did that.  Let me quote the book:

quote

“Take a good look at the breakup of your marriage.  There’s a pattern here.  You think your crisis has to do with right and wrong, villains and witches.  That’s how you feel.  You want justice, revenge-and your bones ache with guilt.  Look again.  It’s reassuring to discover there’s a pattern in breaking up, a Deadlock imperative to how relationships crumble.

What is striking to many family therapists is that it is the submissive partner who usually becomes the deceiver; the dominant spouse the denier.  As the submissive spouse on the way to independence, you go outside the marriage and build up strength-and courage-to equalize the relationship.  Like a Samson, who has finally grown some hair, you become assertive and rebel.  The classic act of revolt is the marriage-breaking affair; initiating the divorce is a final act of defiance.  You are the deceiver, the Divorce Seeker.

If you’re the dominant partner, you try through denial to hold on to some lost dream kingdom of marriage.  That’s how you keep control.  You don’t recognize the symptoms of change in the other spouse-the signals of dispair and rebellion……You seem taken by surprise: I can’t believe this. I thought the marriage was basically good.  My spouse must be crazy”

end quote

THAT right there is my marriage.  He is no villain, and despite what he’d say, I’m no witch. We were deadlocked.  We never did have a partnership, there was no equalizing us.  Interestingly enough, per the book, people switch roles in other relationships.  I’d venture to say he is the dominant now.  If he is smart he will learn to balance the power, switching between her and him as NEEDED.  I see it in my most recent relationship, I had slipped easily in to a more submissive role to his dominance.  However when push came to shove, he wasn’t bending.  In 5 months it was a power deadlock already.  I dodged a bullet that time.  Now? Well as I go through this book I will be seeking information and learning.  I need to find a partner, someone who can balance the power with me, an equal.  Someone who has been through this sort of thing.  Someone who can understand that their way isn’t the only way to achieve an end, and one that I can trust when I need them to take the control, but who isn’t going to tell me my choice or idea is stupid because it doesn’t happen to line up with their own.

For now I am happy alone.  Frankly, I think I am about the happiest I have ever been in my life!  I’m not entirely sure I care to ever have to seesaw things.  The longer I’ve been divorced the more I’m determined that I don’t need anyone.  I’m a complete person in my own right.  I can have a friend with benefits when I need that, but remain single and happy.  I CAN have my cake and eat it too.

I’ll let you know what I learn as I continue through this book, and so far I highly recommend it to anyone that has been married and divorced, including my ex, he might be surprised to learn it wasn’t all my fault.  But right now it’s all about ME and learning about fixing me.  My ex spouses and significant others are some other woman’s mess to contend with now. (THANK GOD!)

;)

Big Mouth, Little Mouth, Sushi Monster

Feb4

I am probably the only person I know who has not tried sushi.  Never really had any desire or interest to eat it, mostly because I’m really anal about being able to identify what I am looking at on my plate prior to it going from fork to mouth.  Or in this case chopsticks to tongue.  Until today.  Today I received a text from my daughter wanting to know what I was doing, if I had eaten lunch, and if not would I want to run out and have lunch, her treat.  I don’t often turn down a free meal if it is close to home.

She took me to a Thai and Asian place nearby for sushi.  She did ask ahead of time if I’d be willing to try it, and today she caught me in my more adventurous mode where food is concerned.  I broadened my horizons and said sure why not.  I do pride myself in being willing to step out of my comfort zone from time to time and try something new.  I have rules for food, like I won’t consume anything that is staring back at me or looks like it can get up and leave my plate all on its own.  The Super Hero introduced me to frog legs, which in my defense the little legs don’t look like they can leave the plate as they are no longer connected to the frog.  I admit that one was a bit tough to keep the stomach from lurching as the brain tried to think about anything but what I was chewing on.  Yes, they DO taste  like chicken, though a bit more rubbery.  However I did like them.  Mr. Wonderful introduced me to goat curry and that was also rather tasty, not to mention easier to get in my mouth as it looked a lot like pork.

Sushi is just confusing to me, SO many choices and I’m a total newbie to this so my daughter did the ordering for us both.  Then she showed me how to use the chop sticks while we waited.  That was fun!  And I was able to master it well enough not to drop my food into the little dishes of soy sauce, so no splash disasters.  I did get a bit carried away though playing with the sticks, chasing the air like a monster, spreading the chopsticks saying “big mouth” then putting them closer and saying “little mouth”, making her laugh and nearly choke on her food.  Bad mommy.  :)

I cannot say I thought it was all outstanding, but some, a Yum Yum roll, was pretty good.  The California roll was tasty too, and the Shrimp Tempura.   I’ll eat it again and expand my sushi horizons into other rolls as time goes on.  It was a fun time with my baby girl, and another great memory together.

Our sushi lunch

#35 ~ 365 Reasons Being Single Rocks

Feb4

Scheduling Conflicts

#35

Never having to get back to anyone after you chase down your S/O to find out if you are available for parties, showers, movies, whatever it is that needs to be done.

No one bitches because you have to work late, conveniently, on the night of your mother-in-law’s birthday extravaganza…the one that you’d rather have a root canal without the benefit of numbing medications than attend.

It’s YOUR schedule, you fill it in or leave open space as you see fit.